20 FEB 07: THE PAPER TRAIL

Even though Monday was Presidents' Day, the Government Center was open for business. And I'm glad it was, because that allowed me to finish all my tax return work for the year. Now if the Postal Service will simply do ITS work, and not confiscate my refund checks....

I actually mailed my federal and state tax returns last week - but I left two Columbus city returns for last, because they were more complicated. They related to my failed sports business, with one requiring me to guess in advance what my revenues would be. Just like on TV, I guessed too high - and I was a big loser.

Have you ever filled out the Columbus "Business Personal Property Tax" form? It's a six-page document that's clearly printed off a computer to save money - because there are perforations on both sides, it's printed on two sides of the page, and you feel like you're doing origami going from the instructions to the forms and back.

The Business Personal Property Tax form hasn't changed since the last time I filled one out, for 2002 [17 Mar 03]. That's too bad, because it's confusing for newcomers and incredibly detailed. For one thing, the merchandise you sell is NOT personal property. Which was puzzling, because I personally bought it....

One page of the Business Personal Property Tax form is for "inventory," such as your merchandise. But another page is for "personal property," defined as everything from equipment to furniture -- yet then you have to divide that property into four separate groups. Picking Medicare drug coverage should be a breeze, after doing this.

Schedule A of the Business Personal Property Tax form divides the property based on its "typical economic life." Some things are expected to last one to four years, while others should last 13 years or more. So it's sort of like what counselors do at The Pastoral Institute....

If that's not enough, the Business Personal Property Tax form is NOT handled at the Columbus Property Tax office. I was directed to the Tax Assessor's office, two floors up. So at least business people feel a bit more important, when it comes to city government....

But before I even went to the Government Center, I wanted to make copies of all my tax forms. So I drove to OfficeMax at Cross Country Plaza and did it for seven cents a page. If there's an inexpensive place to make copies downtown, I don't know where it is - and I didn't dare try to walk to Synovus and pretend I was an employee.

Once the copies were made, I went downtown -- and was directed to the second cubicle around the corner at the Tax Assessor's office, to have my Business Personal Property Tax form reviewed. I apologized to the woman there for covering several lines with liquid paper, where I had become confused. Please note in the interest of "One Columbus," I do NOT call it "White-Out."

In my frustration over preparing this return, I had a deep spiritual moment - and I'm afraid I tried to spill it out on the woman at the second cubicle. "Either the government tries to take as much from me as it can, as my Pastor has said under the inspiration of God's Holy Spirit which cannot lie, or...."

"Stop right there," the woman interrupted. I was talking fast, but never could get to the side of the argument where bureaucrats such as her get the benefit of the doubt.

The woman at the second cubicle gave me a legal pad, and had me write down everything I'd claimed as business personal property. Schedule A has no room for that, and doesn't require it. So I actually had to justify everything I was willing to pay taxes on - but that's OK, since I do that on income tax forms with extra change from vending machines.

In only a moment, the women at the second cubicle did some quick math about what I wrote. "I really don't think there's enough here for you to pay property tax." Wow, it paid off for me to buy a new computer on sale last summer....

The other form I had to finish Monday was for the city Occupation Tax. I made tax prepayments when I obtained a business license for Power Frisbee, but the business was such a flop that I'll be getting a refund -- unless, of course, that money's already been assigned for paying landfill fees.

You pay occupation taxes in the opposite wing of the Government Center from personal property taxes. It made for an interesting walk through the basement parking garage - as I spotted a door with the sign "SHREDDING ROOM" on it. If finance department workers had known about that the last couple of years, Angela Cole still might have a city job.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Wheels are on readers' minds today, beginning with a sad story from Salem:

So sorry to see in the paper the death of another youngster on an all terrain vehicle..THese are not toys for kids..They are big boy toys,but are still dangerous even if the driver is an adult..

I've never driven an ATV, but I had a few thrills in the backyard as a teenager. A small five-speed riding lawnmower can pop wheelies like a funny car when you shift it -- and it's practical, too.

We also heard from the public relations team for Erica Ortiz, the Columbus drag racer we mentioned Sunday:

Thanks so much! She's moving forward this year, finished #2 in points for the last season only attending half the events. ended up running 6.69 @ 207mph by season close, and has a new car being built for this season.

You're awesome for sticking that up there!

Awe.... thank YOU! And if Erica wants to mention in one of those victory lane TV interviews she's driving the "Blog of Columbus Ford," I'll be thrilled even more.

(But as I mentioned Sunday, my aging Honda is anything but a drag racer. The only 6.69 I tend to run with my car occurs in the drive-through lane at Zaxby's.)

Now let's see what else caught our attention on Presidents' Day:

+ A TV investigation found some Wellcare insurance agents may have moved Columbus-area families off their Medicare plans without their consent. Older people actually had their signatures forged on documents - and you could tell they were phonies, because the letters didn't look shaky at all.

+ An Alabama state official called for the first price increase in hunting and fishing licenses since 1989. I'm really not sure why. Are deer and wild turkeys spending more to live in the woods now?

+ A Vice President at Columbus Technical College admitted to WRBL enrollment has dropped by more than 15 percent since 2003. That new Kia plant in West Point had better be very complex....

+ Chattahoochee Valley Community College swept Enterprise, in a basketball doubleheader. Those commercials really are true - Enterprise will pick you up.

+ Instant Message to Chapman's on Wynnton Road: You sell educational materials, right? So why does the sign outside your store say today is "Marti Gra?" Are you marking some obscure Cuban holiday?

COMING THIS WEEK: My first bar fight.... and how I almost missed it....

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