3 MAY 06: I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHE

It bubbled a little. It hissed every once in a while. And it certainly was leaking. No, I am NOT talking about my neighbors drinking beer on their front porches....

For several months my bathroom stool some kind of slow leak. The problem is in the tank area, behind the bowl area. I'd forgotten the proper name for this -- and was prepared to borrow from a TV commercial and call it a "doohicky next to the blinky thing."

The occasional air noises from the bathroom tank became annoying, and the added charges on my bill from Columbus Water Works only added to the problem. I really did NOT plan to celebrate "National Clean Water Week" this way....

I found a temporary solution to the leaky tank during the winter. I removed the cover for good, and wedged a flathead screwdriver into the old valve stem. That seemed to straighten the valve, stop the burping - and give cockroaches one less spot for roaming around.

But if I didn't wedge the screwdriver in just right, something else happened. The tank drained completely - and with no lid on it, removing the screwdriver to refill the tank made for an interesting show. Truly I was living in a "fountain city."

Realizing the screwdriver couldn't stay wedged in the bathroom tank forever, I appealed to my landlord last week for help. He had a pair of plumbers come out to check things early this week. When they back the truck through the front yard almost to the front door, you know these guys are serious.

(I'm not really sure why two plumbers came to visit, instead of one. Neither one of them even had a two-way radio or wireless phone to hold....)

The plumbers came Monday afternoon, as WXTX showed the rain-delayed NASCAR race at Talladega. I quickly learned one of them was a real red-blooded guy - as he stopped everything and hurried out of the bathroom, when I said there a wreck 20 laps from the finish.

The plumbers actually had to make two trips. Somehow they thought the problem was in the bowl part of the toilet -- the front part, not the back. But thankfully, I haven't gained THAT much weight in recent years....

The pair of plumbers brought a new valve on the second trip, and installed it inside the tank. The old valve attached to an old-fashioned plastic ball had screws which were badly rusting. I didn't dare try to unscrew them -- because my bathroom doesn't need its own fire hydrant.

The plumbers explained parts had simply rusted, so a new valve would make things run as good as new. They were correct on the first couple of flushes -- but Monday night I heard more noises from the bathroom. And no, the cockroaches were NOT rejoicing to have the lid of the toilet on again....

It turns out I have a new valve, but the same unstable tank! It isn't bubbling anymore, but now it makes some kind of air-line noise every few minutes. As of Monday night, the contractions were eight minutes apart -- and the labor officially has ended.

I'll wait for one or two water bills, to see if I'm actually still leaking water from the toilet tank. If I am, I'll ask for the plumbers to come back. If not, I may have stumbled upon a way to scare off potential burglars.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now the latest round in a discussion which has brought this blog to a whole new level:

"+ Instant Message to WRBL's Darren Stack: OK, you made me curious [28 Apr]. Chuck stands five-foot-nine. Jon's in the lead at six-foot-one. And as for Sean - do you really think Fox News Channel would respond to a question like that?"

Tim Reid 6'5"

Chris Sweigart 6'3"

Blaine Steward 6'0"

Christopher Sweigart

News 3 On Your Side

News Reporter, WRBL-TV

I can hear the commercial now: "Watch News 3 -- we have a height advantage."

(This explains WRBL's new "Powerhouse Team" slogan. It's for the upcoming midnight basketball season.)

But hold on a minute - doesn't this list from WRBL actually go against the point Darren Stack made last week? At five-feet-nine, it's no wonder he's touchy about having a "short" nickname attached to him. Not to mention a weather guy looking up to the news guys....

In fact, I now vaguely recall Blaine Stewart making some remarks about Darren Stack's height months ago. They were together on the WRBL morning and noon news. Nowadays, Tammy Terry is the only thing preventing Tim Reid from a dramatic script slam dunk.

Another Tuesday e-mail concerned the new campaign commercial supporting Georgia's Governor:

Richard,

Perdue did have a TV ad in 2002; it featured a clip of Roy Barnes from their debate where in response to Perdue's question, "Why are children still dying in state care?" Barnes said, "Children die every day...." The ad looped that and slowed it down: "die every day, die every day."

Of course, Perdue was famous for his "King Roy the Giant Rodent" commercial, but I think that was Internet-only.

Thomas

I think you're right about the "King Rat" ad, Thomas. I don't recall the commercial about children dying every day - but since you brought it up: are Georgia children dying only every other day now?

It should be noted that the Sonny Perdue ad with Zell Miller's voice was NOT paid for by the Purdue campaign. The required fine print shows it's funded for by the Georgia Republican Party. This time, the G.O.P. actually seems to believe Governor Perdue has a chance to win.

SPAM-A-RAMA: This week's e-mail also brought a spam message with the title "JUGGLER EULOGY." All right, then....

Here lies the body

Of Juggler Joe.

He juggled lit dynamite,

And thus he did go.

(By the way, our "Burkard Bulk Mail Index" of spam e-mails topped the 10,000 mark for the first time Tuesday. Are that many companies offering little pills for improving gas mileage?)

Now for some less depressing items, from the Tuesday news:

+ Police Chief Rick (+/- "y") Boren told a Columbus Council budget hearing officers should have a starting salary of $32,000. Right now it's less than $24,000 -- but it could be worse. The officers could be in Memphis, being encouraged to walk their beats instead of driving. [True!]

(But Councilor Evelyn Turner Pugh warned it wouldn't be fair to give new police recruits a $32,000 salary, when current officers are making less. The answer to this seems simple - have the Fraternal Order of Police call new officers more often for donations.)

+ The manager of the Shogun Japanese steak house in Auburn was robbed. Police say he stepped out the back door of his restaurant for a break, and met an armed man - someone who sadly misspelled "show gun" and took it literally.

+ Phenix City officials announced H&L Metals will open a plant with about 20 workers in the Phenix Industrial Park. The company separates various kinds of metals - and unlike the people breaking into electric transformers, they're taking copper legally.

+ Two professional motorcycle drag racers visited Fort Benning. I assume they beat the Humvees in every heat....

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