^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

30 AUG 04: A FALLING OUT

"You're a genius," a co-worker told me one day last week. Oh no, I'm not. If I was a genius, this blog would have a paid sponsorship and a movie deal worth six figures by now....

I was reminded again Sunday both of why some people consider me a genius, and why I know I'm not one. It all began with a trip to the laundromat. I prepared for this Saturday night, by stocking up on one-dollar bills while on a couple of errands. At least my wallet felt fuller this way.

Problem #1: This laundromat's change machine often has trouble on weekends - and the attached dry cleaning business isn't open then. I checked at the front door, and noticed nothing unusual. But when I carried by hamper full of clothes
inside, the "out of service" light was on. Did I breathe on it too hard?

The hamper was hustled back into the car, and I drove to a nearby supermarket for quarters. I know from experience the small shops near this laundromat don't keep enough quarters stocked up - and they're a bit annoyed at this laundromat's
change machine having problems. Hey, at least it brings in extra customers....

I didn't want to offend the folks at the supermarket, so I bought a couple of bags of corn chips and asked for change as I bought them. Now I had a pocketful of quarters - and I felt like a former boss of mine, who used to boast about how he reported on news stories this way years ago. Yes, there was life BEFORE cell phones.

Back to the laundromat I drove, and a woman outside warned me about the change machine. "Yes, I know," I said, explaining where I'd just been. Too bad this place doesn't have a sign to flip on the front window for this.

The laundry work went well - at least until I was sorting out which clothes were dry and which needed extra time. Problem #2: my stack of wet stuff wanted to fall off the top of the dryer onto the floor. And it wasn't really wet enough to just sit there and make the laundromat even more humid.

Problem #3 came as I hustled some clothes on hangers to the car. A pair of slacks fell on the asphalt - then a shirt or two wanted to fall off my car hook into the back seat. Well, the "fall season" IS almost here.

Once the laundry finally finished, I drove toward home on Victory Drive - and noticed a clear stroke of lightning in the west. Before you ask: no, it appeared far north of South Seale Road....

I concluded rain was coming, so I needed to hustle the clean clothes into my home as soon as possible. There was more errands to run. The "alleged genius" side of me figured the rain would fall as I drove to my other stops - totally forgetting
lightning could strike my metal-framed car.

I grabbed items for the other stops and drove north. Problem #4: the wind from the approaching storm blew a huge piece of clear plastic across Veterans Parkway - and I drove right over it, then looked in my rear-view mirror and saw nothing. Either it stuck to my grill, or something new is catching leaking water.

Much as I expected, rain began falling as I drove north on I-185 toward Troup County. Problem #5: I suddenly realized I had no windshield wiper on the driver's side of the car. I guess it fell off somewhere in the last few days - or then again, a beggar could have been desperate for something to swap for dinner.

How many days had I driven without a windshield wiper? Some genius I am - because I honestly have no idea. It's wanted to come loose from time to time for months, and I couldn't figure out how to make it stay on properly. Well, short of getting out a tube of Krazy Glue....

The passenger's side windshield wiper still was on, so I used it to keep moving up I-185 - but as I did, the stub where the other wiper should be slowly cut a groove into my windshield. Sadly, it wasn't cold enough for the rain to turn to ice and work on that groove like a Zamboni.

The showers thankfully were spotty, so I made it to LaGrange without much windshield damage. Driving around town, I discovered Jimmy Swaggart has his own FM radio station there -- and as long as I listened, I was amazed that he never broke down and cried once.

After attending to personal business, I went searching for an open auto parts store to replace my missing wiper. That's when I discovered LaGrange is NOT like Columbus - because several big-name parts stores there are closed on Sundays. It only acts like a bigger city, with all that Internet access....

A woman at a Summit station near LaGrange Mall gave me detailed directions to an open AutoZone store - and to her credit, she was exactly right in what she said. But she kept trying to give me back the money I paid her, for a large soda.

(By the way, if you haven't been to LaGrange in awhile - it's NOT called "West Georgia Commons" Mall anymore. Apparently the stores are too common at ALL malls anymore.)

I found the right windshield wiper for my car at AutoZone - but then came Problem #6: the instruction sheet for installing the wiper had a series of drawings, which I couldn't figure out. Why can't these companies simply print directions in five or six different languages? We actually might learn new words from this....

Humbled, frustrated, and knowing I'd fouled things up before, I walked back inside AutoZone and persuaded an attendant to come outside and put the wiper on my car. See, I told you I'm NOT a genius. Geniuses drive pickup trucks full of "junk," so they have replacements ready at all times.

But enough about my troubles. Let's check what else happened Sunday:

+ The Ledger-Enquirer began a special report on "The Night Kenny Walker Was Shot." Kenny?!?! Have we come to know him THAT well since last December?

+ Ritmo Latino Radio stunned me by playing a "Spanish rap" tune in which a man said the "N-word" several times. No, I don't mean Nicaragua - or even what one group keeps calling "Looney-Toony Noriega...."

+ On the "Higher Power Outreach Church" radio broadcast, Pastor Johnny Robinson revealed his House of Restoration shelter in Phenix City gained at least $140,000 by splitting from the Columbus Homeless Task Force. Keep that in mind if he comes to your group this fall seeking urgent donations.

+ A check on Second Avenue and Warm Springs Road found Coastal gas stations are changing their names to Marathon. In a way, I can understand this - because I've never really considered the Riverwalk the west coast of Georgia.

COMING THIS WEEK: David Glisson talks at last.... the Marshal in a mess.... and local backers of President Bush....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.