30 MAY 09: Onward Christian Spammers
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: You may find the following item humorous, serious, or a little of both - but we offer these thoughts from time to time, as we keep a seventh-day Sabbath.)
Many Christians consider the Bible the inspired word of God. But that doesn't stop some of them from finding humorous things inside it. Attend church or listen to Christian radio long enough, and you might learn some of their riddles. For instance, who is the smallest person in the Bible? The answer, from the book of Job -- Bildad the Shuhite.
SPAM-A-RAMA: Today we offer another set of replies to REAL e-mail titles we've received over the months. But today there's a catch - as all the items are religious in nature. Here's what they sent, and what we have to say....
"CHURCH SMUGGLER"
So who snuck into the service with his own Bible?
"DEAD END ASCENDANCY"
I think most ministers call that the resurrection of the saints.
"BE HAPPY WITH IT!"
Yes, SIR! I heard a minister preach recently on joy -- and he ended with a warning that a Muslim sleeper cell in Georgia is ready to take over if you're not joyful. So smile or else.
"SIN SCORECARD"
Only one? There's Exodus 20, Galatians 5, Revelation 21....
"WHO'VE READ THE BOOK"
I have, every day - and without any helpers from Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer.
"BIT WITCH"
No no - Exodus 22 says you're supposed to kill them, not grill them.
"EFFECTIVELY JUDGMENT DAY"
What some religious conservatives call the last Presidential election.
"STATES RELIGION OHER BUDDHISM"
I didn't know Thailand had states.
"BE BE SPIRITUAL"
Verily verily trying.
"LEFT-WING EVERYWHERE"
The next conference of Unitarian ministers.
"SALVATION ARMY RAZOR"
So sharp, it gets "nothing but the blood."
"AS A BELIEVER, I SUBMIT MY LIFE TO GOD'S WORD."
Now if you can get your wife to do the same?!
"UPCOMING GOSPEL MUSIC EVENTS"
Probably being skipped by Duke and the Doctor.
"MUGGY GODCHILD"
Really? I've never heard anyone suggest Jesus was born in July.
"VEGGIE MISBEHAVING"
What Seventh-Day Adventists call "broccoli chicken" at a restaurant.
"OBAMA CAUGHT FLU"
Hold on - that's not the "messiah" we're talking about today.
"SOUL TOSSING"
One of the big events at a Pentecostal track meet.
"AUDACIOUS CLERGY"
The ones who claim God told you to give a $1,000 offering.
"SAVED MY FAVORITE"
Well, Amy Grant is pretty good.
"DEPRAVITY FELL"
But thankfully, Jesus also will fall -- by returning to Earth again.
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