19 MAY 09: Which Switch Are You?

TRUE NEWS ITEM: Columbus TV stations make the "Big Switch" to digital television in 25 days, so they're trying to make sure viewers are well-informed and prepared....

"Big Switch hotline. How can I help you?"

"Is this the Big Switch hotline?"

"Yes, that's what I said."

"OK, I don't hear all that good. Are you going to switch away from that closed captioning?"

"No, we're not changing that."

"Oh. That's too bad."

"Why?"

"I was hoping you'd open up the captioning, so I can add some funny lines to what the newscasters are saying."

"Thank you, but no. Next call -- Big Switch hotline."

"Yeah. You made the Big Switch already, didn't you?"

"No. Congress postponed that back in...."

"Yeah, you did. First Dee Armstrong, now Wayne Bennett."

"That's not the Big Switch we're talking about."

"Is this all a stunt to bring Dick McMichael back?"

"Sorry, he's moved on -- and so will we. Big Switch hotline."

"Hi, I have a question about the converter boxes."

"Finally. What's your question?"

"Will they convert you to the Baptist church, or some other one?"

"No, that's not what the converter does."

"It's not?! I was going to buy a bunch of them to give to the Third Brigade. You know, install them in Afghanistan...."

"I'm not sure they're even making the Big Switch in Afghanistan."

"Well, they're sure working on that sort of thing in Pakistan."

"Good point there. Thanks for calling. Big Switch hotline."

"OK, here's my problem. My son is five-foot-three and weighs 150 pounds."

"Uhhhh - and?!"

"When he acts up, how big a switch should I use on him?"

"No no. Our Big Switch is about television."

"I can bring him to the station, if you want me to. He'll be embarrassed in front of everybody."

"Ma'am, I suggest you call the Pastoral Institute about that. Thank you. Big Switch hotline."

"Hi. Am I on the air?"

"We're not putting callers on the air."

"'Cause I just wanted to tell everybody to switch to - HOWARD STERN!!!"

"So much for that caller. Big Switch hotline."

"I think you should be ashamed of yourselves!"

"And why do you say that?"

"The good Lord made us right, just like we are! For you to go around telling people they've got to switch...."

"Sir...."

"I mean, do you realize you're not in Massachusetts?"

"Yes we know, sir."

"Not to mention Iowa. Those weirdo corn farmers...."

"Thanks for your opinion, sir. Big Switch hotline."

"Yeah, I'm one of those folks who has 'rabbit ears.'"

"Good! At last! How can we help you?"

"If I put them on for a costume party, do you think that'll be good enough to win?"

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