10 MAY 09: Party of Fife

If you're a mother, Happy Mother's Day to you. But if you're a manager at KFC, shame on you - because even before your free grilled chicken dinner coupon offer was canceled, they would NOT have applied today. Do you really think mothers are better off eating greasy chicken dinners at Church's?

Perhaps you're still stumped for the right place to take Mom for dinner today. One of the newest and most unusual dining options is inside the National Infantry Museum. But to make it a real surprise, carry a picnic basket - because South Lumpkin Road can become so empty-looking that Mom might think you've lost your way.

I have to be careful with my words, when it comes to the National Infantry Museum's Fife and Drum Restaurant. An online complaint chain letter started a couple of weeks ago, after the Ledger-Enquirer called it "upscale and pricey." The word "pricey" appearing twice in a review was considered a slap. Well, OK - alongside "upscale," it's also redundant.

(The complaint letter called the newspaper review "irresponsible," unfriendly and prejudiced against Columbus South - somehow overlooking the sentences which said "worth the drive" and "the quality is there.")

On the night before the Ledger-Enquirer published Sandra Okamoto's review of The Fife and Drum, I made my own trip there for dinner. In part, I wanted to see if the hype about the restaurant was accurate. And admittedly, in part I felt guilty - doing my part to keep the museum from going deeper into debt.

Only a few people were in The Fife and Drum on a Tuesday night. You could blame that on the restaurant's out-of-the-way location, but that hasn't stopped people from visiting nice locations in Harris County over the years. Well, at least it didn't before they closed....

The National Infantry Museum's web site dares to call The Fife and Drum "upscale," as well as mentioning a "richly appointed dining room...." For instance, the restaurant's logo is on the back of every wooden chair. So if Valley Hospitality ever decides to transform it into another Houlihan's, the transformation may not lower prices at all.

The piped-in music playing at The Fife and Drum ranged from 1930s-era jazz to 1950s blues. Playing actual music from a fife and drum corps might have made the atmosphere too formal.

The Fife and Drum's dinner menu is limited, with seven entrees and no "special of the day." The appetizers include Tuna Wontons - which should make the South Korean government satisfied for making that million-dollar donation to the museum.

We went somewhat lowball downscale, selecting the single-br**st Sauteed Chicken for dinner at $15.95. We added a garden salad for $2.95 -- and when it arrived, the word which came to mind was "minimalist." This shows my background is in journalism. Army veterans might have used words such as "puny" and "pipsqueak."

The added garden salad was in a roughly four-by-four inch square bowl. Somehow I imagine the Waffle House salad bowls are bigger than this - and also happen to have a stack of lettuce extending well over the top of the bowl.

As for the main course, the Sauteed Chicken was uneventful but good. I didn't realize until I reviewed the online menu that it was drizzled with "sherry vinegar and extra virgin oil." New soldiers who dine at The Fife and Drum might snicker a little over that last part....

Perhaps because it was a quiet Tuesday night, the entree came out quickly. The fact that I'm a single guy carrying a magazine to read between courses doesn't cause other restaurants to hurry up.

I stopped short of ordering dessert, because the four options all cost more than five dollars. They include "Fried Doughnuts" for $5.95, served with hazelnut chocolate sauce. I could drive to Golden Donuts, skip the hazelnut and get a dozen for about the same price.

The most downscale moment of the meal came when I used a credit card to pay for dinner. The pen presented for me to sign the bill was a handout promoting Adoxa -- a prescription drug I later discovered is used to treat gonorrhea and chlamydia. It's as if the staff expected me to head to Club Paradise after dinner.

Perhaps because it was close to closing time on a weeknight (The Fife and Drum staff was removing table settings at 9:00 p.m., not 10:00), I went from sit-down to checkout in only about 40 minutes. Of course, this restaurant IS connected with the Army - so the chef may have put everyone on double-time.

With a diet cola and tip, dinner for one at The Fife and Drum cost me more than 26 dollars. For that price, I admittedly expected more than I received. And given the restaurant's location on the museum's second floor, I left with the feeling that it was added almost as an afterthought. If those dreamed-about other nice restaurants show up with lower prices closer to Victory Drive, it well could be.

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E-MAIL UPDATE: At least the National Infantry Museum is free. And we had to make an unexpected second trip there Friday, after this message reached us....

Richard, Have you visited the new National Infantry Museum near Ft. Benning? I read the recent article in the newspaper about the low attendance figures for the museum. So I decided to visit. Even though the Grand Opening was in March the main portion of the museum is not yet open and won't be until July. So I checked out the Gift shop (it didn't seem to have anything that isn't already available at the PX) and the OCS Hall of Fame. Then I went outside to check out the pavers. The public could purchase pavers for $250. each to honor their relatives, friends,etc. Was I ever disappointed! You can barely read most of them. I had seen the miniature replicas (which are given to the buyers) which have black letters on a light beige paver (very readable). The actual pavers at the museum are black letters on a dark gray stone. Many of them are very difficult to read. I mentioned this to several of the museum volunteers and employees. They told me that they have had a number of complaints about the pavers and that some purchasers are extremely upset. I've also been told that the original contractor that was hired to do the pavers was fired and someone else was hired to finish them. But of course I didn't read anything about this problem in any of the Ledger-Enquirer articles. If the pavers are difficult to read now can you imagine how they will look in a few years! Also, I assumed the pavers would be on the main walkway but instead they are on the side of the museum.

Would appreciate you checking this out and getting a comment from the retired general who is in charge.

The newspaper article quoted the general as saying that not enough money is coming in to operate the museum and pay expenses. But it explains the Army is giving 2.3 million dollars a year to the museum for housing its collection! I wonder what the annual operating budget for the museum is. And would the Army have saved much of that money by having the museum stay on Ft. Benning instead of relocating outside of the post?

On the day I visited there seemed to be more volunteers working than museum visitors.

Yes, the memorial pavers are on the side -- and it appears there's still plenty of room for you to add one. There are several marker numbers with no pavers around them at all. So if a server at The Fife and Drum provides exceptional service, this could be a one-of-a-kind tip.

The lettering on the pavers admittedly seems hit-and-miss. Some appear more legible from a distance than others. But at least they're along the side of the sidewalk, so people aren't likely to trample on them. And people in Auburn will be glad to know there's no good place to leave Confederate battle flags, either.

By comparison, pay a visit to the "Olympic bricks" near Golden Park. The white-marble circles with corporate sponsors still are legible, 13 years after the 1996 softball tournament. And no one seems to complain about them being a full one-tenth of a mile from the ballpark's entrance.

Retired General Jerry White apparently was at the National Infantry Museum when we checked on the pavers, as a BMW sports car was parked in his marked spot near the entrance. And as we left the.... hey, wait a minute! A retired general who's so concerned about honoring the U.S. Army is driving a BMW?! Hasn't he heard about the European Union rising to plot against the U.S., in World War III?

We sent an e-mail about this issue to Jerry White Friday afternoon, as we're told that's the best way to contact him. But we had no reply by Saturday night. So you might say in our effort to get answers about pavers, we shot a brick....

Now let's stand at parade rest, for some weekend news headlines:

+ Columbus Water Works marked National Clean Water Week by holding public tours of the North Columbus treatment facility. Of course, visitors were told NOT to touch any of the equipment with their hands - not after what happened two weeks ago.

(Water Works officials say they plan to replace the collapsed six-million gallon water tank with two four-million gallon tanks. That's nice - but can you wrap them in a secure Glad trash bag or something?)

+ Columbus State University police arrested a former student suspected in a series of thefts. They caught the suspect by leaving a laptop computer on a library table. If someone would swipe an old Dell laptop, he must be crooked.

+ Columbus singer Keni Thomas gave a homecoming concert at the Phenix City Amphitheater. But I was disappointed at the size of the crowd -- only about two-thirds full when I jogged down the Columbus Riverwalk, even though tickets only cost five dollars. Maybe Thomas needed to serve "Cornbread" at the concession stand.

+ The Americus Times-Recorder reported Paula Deen will be the guest speaker at the June "Steak and Stake Banquet." Speaker?! Forget that -- I'd want Deen to make the dinner.

+ Auburn University held its spring commencement, and the guest speaker was former Tiger football star Bo Jackson. He dreamed of becoming the head football coach, but had to settle for this....

+ The Columbus Lions edged South Carolina 52-49. The game was played at Greenville's Bi-Lo Center - which is named after a supermarket chain, not the American Indoor Football Association's salary structure.

+ Glenwood won the AISA state baseball title, defeating Monroe Academy 12-11 in eight innings. Both teams wore orange jerseys in the final game - as if Sunkist was the official tournament soda.

+ Cleveland pushed Atlanta to the brink of elimination from the N.B.A. playoffs 97-82. In a stunning revelation, Hawks radio announcer Steve Holman admitted at the start of the fourth quarter he was biased. Suddenly his third-quarter statements that the Hawks "got too close" and "whistle city" developed were seen in a very different light - as white whine.

+ Instant Message to the judges at Saturday's "Miss Relay for Life Pageant": C'mon now, admit it - how many of you were tempted to ask that Perez Hilton question about marriage?

SCHEDULED MONDAY: Some "snail mails" about east Alabama lead to a few phone calls....

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