24 MAY 09: Cracker Town

It's a radio ad I've heard on the road in other cities, but not in Columbus -- "Put some Lance in your pants." Perhaps the slogan sounds a little too dirty for a "Bible Belt" city, and give those "tip of the spear" soldiers at Fort Benning wrong ideas.

The ads promote snacks from Lance Foods, and it appears plenty of people are buying them. Lance Foods announced an expansion of its Columbus plant Friday, which will mean 70 new jobs. For some workers, this admittedly would be a come-down - from Cessna airplanes to soda crackers for the airsick.

Lance managers say construction on the expansion will begin in the next 30 days, at the plant on Eighth Street. For this part of Columbus, that seems almost lightning-fast -- considering the speed limit on Ninth Avenue behind the plant is only five miles per hour. [True!]

The main project at the Lance Foods plant will be the expansion of a "high-speed cracker line." Then it's a good thing they're waiting until after the holiday weekend - because Columbus police are cracking down on high speeds all over town.

We wondered exactly how high-speed the Lance cracker line is, but we couldn't find any online data on it Saturday night. It's probably a corporate secret - although the Columbus Kellogg's plant probably tries to sneak Keebler elves inside from time to time.

A Food Network program filmed in Columbus last year revealed the local Lance plant produces Late July organic crackers [1 Jun 08]. Yet the Late July web site leads you to believe the "small family" company is based in New England. This isn't quite like stores selling U.S. flags made in China, but it's a step in that direction.

I'm not sure what other crackers are made at the Columbus Lance plant. But every time I see "Toast Chee" crackers on sale at a vending machine, I wonder if there's someone in Taiwan who had to approve the use of his name.

The expansion announcement shows the Eighth Street plant is making a nice turnaround. It's been four years since Lance Foods bought out Tom's Foods. Tom's had filed bankruptcy papers, and had more than $60 million in debts [13 Apr 05]. If the plant had been in Las Vegas, this much trouble with chips would have left executives banned from every casino.

While it's nice to see Lance has brought the Columbus plant back from the brink, should executives really be bragging about expanding cracker production? Some people consider the phrase "Georgia crackers" offensive. But then again, WRBL noted the plant manager's name is Jack Warden - and being called "Cracker Jack" probably is still considered a compliment.

My inspirational CD has sold out, but you can hear me sing next Sunday! I'm scheduled to be part of the United Church of God service at the Woodmen of the World hall, on Milgen Road between the post office and Lumber Liquidators. The service starts at 2:30 p.m. ET.

BLOG UPDATE: Prosecutors have clarified a key part of the indictment against Columbus attorney Mark Shelnutt. They say the "J.S." mentioned in a couple of counts is NOT Muscogee County District Attorney Julia Slater. So how did Julia Stiles know so long ago that this story could make a great movie?

Harris County Sheriff Mike Jolley is taking part of the credit for the indictment of Mark Shelnutt. He told WRBL he spotted illegal activity involving a drug suspect a couple of years ago. But apparently Shelnutt wasn't handsome enough for a prime-time sting on "Dateline NBC."

E-MAIL UPDATE: This tip from a reader sends us far outside the Columbus area....

I'll offer you this without comment.

Man In Ape Suit Sought For Trying to Steal Bananas

Not real ones, but foam ones used in Wisconsin store displays. The suspect is still on the loose - so if he couldn't get the bananas, he split.

Now for other news from a surprisingly busy holiday weekend....

+ A possible small tornado caused tree damage in Smiths Station. That apparently explains a siren I heard in the distance, during a Saturday night run at Phenix City's Idle Hour Park. A security man at the park had no police guidance about it - which led me to think some Phenix City Central high school graduates were having too wild a party.

(I wound up having my worst Saturday night run in two years - so yes, I'm blaming it on a siren psych-out.)

+ Columbus police set up several speeding checkpoints in "Operation Visible." Those dozens of new law officers are starting to pay for themselves, aren't they?

+ Police also reported someone stole an automated teller from a CB&T branch on Whitesville Road. C'mon, folks - write your card passwords down somewhere....

+ Auburn Police reported teenagers stole a car from a Bruster's ice cream shop, then led police on a high-speed chase to Montgomery. I've heard of a sugar rush, but this is ridiculous.

+ High schools across the area held commencement exercises. Webster County had its first high school senior class ever, with all of five students. This will make future class reunions easy. Why reserve a convention hall when you can take a corner booth at Applebee's?

(Two of the five Webster County graduates are entering the military. It seems awfully ironic to me that the Marines are gaining a "salut-atorian.")

+ The Opelika-Auburn News reported a set of quadruplets from Ohatchee will enroll at Auburn University this fall. They're three women and one man - so male classmates had better make it at least a double-date, or else.

+ The evening news visited a Thursday night Great Championship Wrestling program in Phenix City. One fan was shown shouting toward the ring with a bullhorn. I assume all the other fans let that person leave the parking lot first.

+ The Columbus Lions were bounced at Baltimore 52-32. Scorpio Brown caught three touchdown passes for Baltimore - and astrologers probably knew Columbus was in trouble, if all was well in the house of Scorpio.

+ Instant Message to my youngest niece Heather and her husband Ryan: Happy first anniversary! And I apologize for sending the wishes this way. You have an unlisted phone number - and it's silly for me to spend $14.95 for an online company to tell me a family member's e-mail address.

The number of unique visitors to our blog is up more than 14 percent so far this year! To advertise to them, offer a story tip, make a PayPal donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post your e-mail comment and offer a reply.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

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