25 SEP 08: VANISHING HEARD

Bill Heard Enterprises called its employees together Wednesday, for what was described as an "emergency meeting." And for once, the "emergency" was not one of those four-day markdown sales to clear out Chevrolets....

Employees of Bill Heard were told the company is closing all its dealerships immediately. The chain of car lots not only includes Columbus, but a string from Orlando to Las Vegas. At least the Las Vegas staff can invest their final paychecks at casinos.

(Yet Bill Heard Chevrolet still had commercials running Wednesday evening on WLGA CW-66. Call it the last echo of "Mr. Big Volume," before someone pressed the mute button.)

Some people saw trouble coming a couple of weeks ago, when Bill Heard suddenly closed its Chevrolet dealership in suburban Phoenix. So much for the optimists, who thought it was a protective move before the Georgia-Arizona State football game.

Bill Heard billed itself as "The World's Largest Chevy Dealer." Yet in Columbus, the company sells more than Chevrolets. So for some of the employees, Wednesday's news of being laid off was truly a Saab story.

(Bill Heard Cadillac-Saab is the proper name of that dealership. What did Chris Fritz say Wednesday - "Let's SHUT 'em all down"?!)

A statement from Bill Heard Enterprises blamed the shutdown decision on a variety of economic factors. One of them was the high price of gasoline. So it apparently came down to a clash of the titans - and Mr. Big Volume lost to Mr. Big Oil.

The Bill Heard statement also noted the overall economy is tight these days. General Motors had resorted to a promotional campaign called "Employee Discount for Everyone." If you're discounting their pay down to zero, I'm really not interested....

More than 300 employees will lose jobs, because of the Bill Heard shutdown. One woman told the evening news she started on her job only Tuesday - which will only add to the complaints on file in Atlanta about deceptive business practices.

The Bill Heard Chevrolet web site was still up Wednesday night, and it indicated 329 cars and trucks were available for sale. I'm not sure who will get those -- but come to think of it, Oprah Winfrey is overdue for one of those "everybody gets a car" episodes.

Some customers hurried to Bill Heard Chevrolet as quickly as they could Wednesday, because they had cars in the service department. The late Mac the Mechanic talked about hearing a "5:00 surprise," but this had to top them all....

Richard Hyatt's web site claims the original plan was to shut down Bill Heard Chevrolet Friday. But Hyatt posted what he called "rumors" to that effect Tuesday, which reportedly led the managers to move up the closing. We decided NOT to mention Hyatt's report here - in case someone might run over his rumor with a Silverado.

The rumor game now centers on who might step in, and become Columbus's official Chevrolet dealer. Trying to continue his winning streak, Richard Hyatt reported Rick Hendrick might take over -- as in NASCAR's Hendrick Motorsports. As in the man who pleaded guilty to mail fraud in the 1990s, and escaped going to prison due to health problems. Is this really a quality trade-in?

Another rumored purchaser is local Dodge and Honda dealer Carl Gregory. A spokesperson for his office wouldn't give a direct answer about that Wednesday night, but said Columbus will "continue to have a Chevy dealership." I'm not so sure about that -- since Columbus went for months with no TV station showing Oprah Winfrey or the lottery drawings.

Some employees left the Bill Heard lot in tears Wednesday. Yet to be blunt, I suspect some Columbus residents quietly are thrilled by this news. They're the customers who believe the dealership ripped people off for years, and the bosses had it coming. If someone applies for a parade permit near Bill Heard Jr.'s Green Island home, this could explain it.

A man reminded me recently of customers who went to Bill Heard Chevrolet, handed over their car keys - then had to call police before the sales staff would give the keys back. They didn't dare walk away in protest, because "Mr. Big Volume" might have moved their cars to the "pre-owned" lot and sold them in a hurry.

While Bill Heard employees packed their belongings Wednesday, the U.S. House approved a bill to provide extra money to General Motors and other carmakers. Sometimes "trickle-down economics" simply isn't fast enough....

The Bill Heard name has been part of Columbus life for 89 years. So this sudden closing leaves all sorts of unanswered questions....

+ What does the Muscogee County Teacher of the Year do? Melissa Wilks won a one-year lease of a Chevrolet. Will a school bus bring her back to Wynnton Elementary School, if she has to turn it in?

+ What does Miss Georgia do? Chasity Hardman also has the use of a Bill Heard vehicle, for making all her appearances. Can she train for the Miss America pageant, by riding a bicycle around the state instead?

+ What does the Georgia Department of Transportation do? It renamed the east half of Manchester Expressway "Bill Heard Parkway" several years ago. If Republican officials hurry before Election Day, they might be able to change all the signs to Rob Doll.

+ What does the Columbus RiverCenter do? Its main stage is the Bill Heard Theater. Renaming it "Theater Jay" wouldn't sound quite right.

The bad economic news Wednesday went beyond cars, to planes. DayJet has gone out of business, ending by-request flights from Columbus to other Southeastern cities. The shutdown actually took place last Friday -- so the fact that it was only mentioned on the Wednesday news should explain everything about what went wrong.

We pulled a surprise, and went to a special Wednesday poker night. Learn what happened at our other blog, "On the Flop!"

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION on our future is over - and wow, talk about big-time drama! To make things fair, I didn't look at the poll results for 36 hours before closing the survey at Wednesday midday. And considering our topic was whether to stop the humor, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the outcome.

The voters have spoken, and 55 percent of them (11-9) want our current format to continue. That means we'll remain a humor blog, instead of focusing entirely on investigative news from the public. Before you ask: I have no way of tracking how many votes against a change came from the Government Center or the Muscogee County School District.

We posted this poll after we received a stack of requests to investigate various local topics - including some serious subjects which seemed inappropriate to write jokes about. At one point a few weeks ago, we had four pending questions in the InBox. It was almost enough to send me before Columbus Council, and ask for some of the public safety sales tax money.

Several people left comments during this poll, including a few who wanted us to keep both the humor and the investigating. One referred to our "interesting mix" as "the Morning Mo Jo." I suppose that puts this blog one notch above "Morning Joe" on MSNBC....

But other voters seemed unimpressed by our blogging approach. One accused us of falling "hook line and sinker" for Cascade Hills Church Pastor Bill Purvis, because we worshiped there for awhile after last year's exclusive interview about a change in governmental structure. Let the record show we do NOT attend that church now - nor has it announced any church business meetings for months.

(And for the person who wrote, "I didn't know it was a humor blog" - maybe we need to do a follow-up poll, on whether to add smiley faces at appropriate points.)

Even with Wednesday's two big historic moments, several other things happened....

+ A Harris County commissioner confirmed Sheriff Mike Jolley is under an internal investigation, because money for the DARE anti-drug program is missing. Apparently the Sheriff's Office was not allowed to keep all the surveillance cameras from "To Catch a Predator," and set them up inside the courthouse.

(Is the timing of this investigation more than a coincidence? Mike Jolley is up for re-election in 40 days. Has the person who filed this complaint spent any time in Juneau, Alaska lately?)

+ Stewart County commissioners voted to shut down the county prison, due to a lack of money. This is how you know the economy is bad - when criminals break the law by stealing money, and the county has to close the prison to avoid doing the same thing.

+ Georgia School Superintendent Kathy Cox visited Baker and Eddy Middle Schools. She stopped short of suggesting the schools be combined into a Christian Science magnet academy.

+ Fort Benning personnel told WRBL the only fuel available for the public on post right now is E-85 ethanol and diesel. But that's OK - since I learned long ago that the Army runs on its stomach.

+ Instant Message to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: You're kidding, aren't you?! I mean, with that proposal to have ice cream shops switch from cow's milk to mother's milk? Are you trying to give the American Red Cross new things to do, besides taking blood donations?

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