22 AUG 08: ALL-STAR SPAM
We were under a tight schedule Thursday, so all we could do for you was prepare this SPAM-A-RAMA. We've marveled lately at how many spam message titles are mentioning famous people. We do NOT think all these titles are true and accurate - but we'll comment on them nonetheless:
"WEAR WHAT NICOLAS CAGE HAS"
Do I really need an agent handcuffed to my wrist?
"BARACK OBAMA IS SAYING RACISM VIDEO CLIP"
Which means his quote probably is, "I'm against racism."
"CARMEN ELECTRA IN CANCUN"
If she shops at a factory outlet store, please let me know.
"JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE HOT BOD PICTURES"
I could go to a construction site in Columbus right now and shoot the same thing.
"REALISE YOUR FANTASIES WITH JESSICA SIMPSON"
Of what - winning big on Jeopardy?
"FEDERER LIKES TO WEAR THERE"
I'm sorry, but I really don't think a headband improves your tennis game.
"SEE DENISE RICHARDS IN HER HOTTEST SPREAD"
Hopefully it's a margarine that's low in cholesterol.
"BRAD PITT'S DARK SECRET REVEALED"
I already knew he grew up in the Ozarks.
"HILLARY WANTED MORE, SO I GAVE HER THIS"
There's nothing like a gift subscription to Rush Limbaugh's web site.
"FIND OUT ROBERT DOWNEY'S SECRET"
Never mention the trips to rehab in your resume.
"HALLE BERRY BARES IT ALL AGAIN"
Well, it could have been Darryl Strawberry.
"LATEST! OBAMA QUITS PRESIDENTIAL RACE"
Now now - that week in Hawaii was called a vacation.
"SHARAPOVA DROPS TOP IN MONACO"
So? I've done that, too -- when I rented a convertible to drive to Florida.
"BUSH ADMITS TO ANTI-SEMITISM"
I think the question confused him - about whether he planned to drive trucks after leaving office.
"MORE TAPES OF SCARLETT JOHANSSON SURFACE"
The shutdown Movie Gallery stores had to send them somewhere....
"BEYONCE BREAKS UP WITH JAY Z"
Why - because he didn't want to father Destiny's Child?
"JESUS CHRIST TO STAR IN NEXT SERIES OF BIG BROTHER"
Wait, check that. The residents simply will bring up His name a lot, during arguments.
"FIND OUT WHAT OPRAH REALLY RECOMMENDS"
Get complete coverage tonight on WLTZ's 7:00 Report.
"CHENEY VISITS AFGHAN PRESIDENT - SHOOTS HIM IN THE FACE"
Can he stop by Moscow and Tehran on his way home?
"NEW SEXY SONGS KYLIE MINOGUE"
She could make the Auburn fight song sexy, by slowing down the beat a bit.
"ARNOLD SAYS IM GAY TOO!"
They covered up this secret on "Green Acres" for a long time.
"PARIS HILTON IS GOING TO JAIL"
In Hollywood, the "over-and-under" for her sentence is 40 hours.
"OBAMA RAKES IN CASH AS MCCAIN SPENDS"
So which candidate is the tight-fisted conservative again?
"BRITNEY SPEARS TO STUDY THEORETICAL QUANTUM MECHANICS AT MIT"
Wow - quite a step up from studying the mechanics who fix her car.
"JERRY SEINFELD ANNOUNCES SEINFELD MOVIE"
He can be SO creative with those titles.
"OBAMA CONVERTS TO JUDIASM!"
There - now he can claim he's represented everybody at least once. And critics can say he's offended everybody at least once.
SCHEDULED THIS WEEKEND: A make-up Olympic moment which might surprise you....
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