The Blog of Columbus, Georgia

Sunday, February 17, 2008

for 18 FEB 08: VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

Here's hoping you made it safely through Sunday's storms. It rained so hard a couple of times that we thought the shut-down Columbus fountains would spontaneously start working again.

We thank a blog reader for giving us a Presidents' Day holiday -- a federal holiday which follows Sunday's national holiday of the South. You know, the Daytona 500....

A blog reader passed along a fully illustrated e-mail that's apparently making the rounds in Columbus. We don't know who wrote it, but it seems to poke fun at all parts of the area - except for Hurtsboro, and somebody already took that assignment.

Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Columbus Area:

1. "Green Island Hills" This princess Barbie is sold only at Columbus Park Crossing. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

2. "Midland Barbie" The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

3. "Benning Hills Barbie" This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

4. "GreyStone Barbie" This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

5. "Cataula Barbie" This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety-Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's a*s when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

6. "Phenix City Barbie" This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Dayton Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

7. "Lake Bottom Barbie" This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow ... She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Downtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

8. "Victory Drive Barbie" This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

9. "Speakeasy Barbie/Ken" - This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

SCHEDULED TUESDAY: The e-mails start arriving about the most stunning development of the weekend....

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.