20 FEB 08: TWO FOR THE ROAD

When you're a single guy, the passenger seat of your car can have a variety of uses. Briefcases can be propped open to check maps. Hampers full of clothes can be hauled to the laundromat. And when you're on a road trip, there's no better way to nibble on donuts and Krystal burgers.

But in the last couple of weeks, something startling has happened. Two people actually have asked me to give them rides. Some people have warned me against doing this, and in some cases I've asked riders to empty their pockets first. To check for weapons, I mean - not to pay me a tip....

The first free ride came a couple of weeks ago on poker night. As I lingered over an early exit, a man came up to me needing a ride home. He claimed his boss had just called on his cell phone, and told him to get ready for a trip to Atlanta -- at around 9:45 p.m. Is an undercover sheriff's deputy watching for illegal gambling after all?!

The man I'll call Art followed me to my car, asking several questions about my background. He seemed impressed by the fact by the job I have - but then again, I never admitted to him I'm a blogger.

Art explained he was called to work at an odd hour because he works for a painting crew. He and his boss were off the Naval Air Station northwest of Atlanta, to paint some barracks. I've heard of soldiers and sailors getting ready for inspection, but not their buildings....

Art told me the company also has a contract to paint homes on Fort Benning, and the crew is paid 250 dollars a unit. With base realignment coming, that company could be in line for a financial windfall -- as long as there's no shortage of camouflage-colored khaki paint.

Art also seemed surprised by the fact that I'm single. And at that point, he made a surprising admission: "I'm a bisexual." That's funny -- he didn't have THAT much beer on his breath from poker night.

I didn't comment on Art's admission -- but for a moment, I have to admit I wondered if Art would go farther in discussing his sexuality. A couple of female passengers actually have tried to proposition me during rides. One woman in south Atlanta kept asking how much money I had - and it turned out she did NOT want change to pay me gas money.

But the conversation went in other directions, and Art didn't say anything more about being bisexual. When I dropped him off near Bibb City, he actually gave me a couple of options for getting out of the neighborhood to go home. So he was a "bi-" in more ways than one....

The second passenger walked past me in a grocery store parking lot last weekend. I was putting sacks in my trunk, and a woman needed a lift up River Road to a Manchester Expressway bus stop. She had several full sacks as well - and at least she cared enough not to push a shopping cart out of the lot, or have me push it along in front of my bumper.

The woman I'll call Betty wasn't sure what time it was, but she wanted to catch a METRA bus on Manchester Expressway at River Road. I don't know what METRA's policy is about hauling grocery sacks -- but a couple of airlines would charge 20 dollars per sack these days.

With Betty's grocery sacks in my back seat and mine in the trunk, there was no risk of getting our food mixed up. And the drive up the River Road hill toward Manchester Expressway only took a couple of minutes. In February, that's no problem. In August, my frozen foods might thaw out in that time.

Betty and I agreed the Piggly Wiggly store on River Road was unusual, in only using paper grocery bags. She noted other stores in the Columbus area use plastic bags, and wondered if that one really was saving money with paper. Come to think of it, the Phenix City stores should have those bags - since Mead WestVaco is in Russell County, not Muscogee.

The two courtesy trips didn't take long, and both ended peacefully. So if someone comes up to you needing a ride, don't be quick to reject them - but do be careful in assessing the need. This week's news has shown that. If your rider wants a trip to the sheriff's office to surrender to a crime, have a backup plan in mind.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION closed Tuesday night, with the Constable of Hurtsboro claiming victory. Two-thirds of our voters (10-5) said Robert Schweiger's e-mails should NOT be barred from this blog. So Hurtsboro residents with opposition views are going to have to write us with replies - because that's a long road trip, when gas is at three dollars a gallon.

One backer of Robert Schweiger called him their "favorite part" of this blog. That voter actually wondered if he was real - or a concocted Constable who's fictional. But Schweiger was on the late-night TV news during our poll, doing what he seems to do all the time. In this case, he complained about the Hurtsboro police chief.

"If then he does exist, he needs to write fiction...." the voter commented. Don't worry - there are plenty of Hurtsboro residents who say Robert Schweiger's been doing that in his e-mails for months....

Another supporter called Robert Schweiger's e-mails "fun," and said he reveals "the goings on in rural America." Well, what do you know - since no TV station carries "The Andy Griffith Show" anymore, we're filling a major need.

So Constable Schweiger lives to e-mail us another day - although he seemed to be prepared for rejection, as he wrote the Sin City Inquisition and Bar-B-Q blog during our poll. If a bidding war breaks out for his messages from Hurtsboro, I'm not sure what the outcome would be. None of the independent bloggers have any advertising income to offer him.

E-MAIL UPDATE: A reader wants us to focus on a slightly larger political office....

We are waiting for your Presidential endorsement!!!

Guess what - you're going to keep waiting. It's our policy NOT to endorse political candidates, from the top of the ticket to the bottom. Or do you want us to pick the next President at Columbus State University?

We heartily endorse these other jokes, based on Tuesday's news:

+ Muscogee County Republican Chair Josh McKoon went before the school board, and claimed its vote to finance a new administration building was unlawful. Huh?! That wasn't on the petition at Saturday's precinct meeting. Did McKoon decide the building isn't going to have enough greenspace around it?

(In other business, the school board voted to bring back regular physical education classes in grade schools. Child obesity has become such a big problem that more youngsters know about Hungry Jacks than jumping jacks.)

+ Midland's Seth Harp gave a speech before the Georgia Senate, suggesting the doctors who bought Summit Hospital really wanted to locate in Columbus. Harp claimed Georgia's "certificate of need" rules forced the new Hughston Memorial Hospital to be in Phenix City. Not to mention the long wait for a separate exit from J.R. Allen Parkway....

(Seth Harp claimed the new Hughston Memorial Hospital "opened" last week. That shows how focused he is on Georgia issues - because he never heard about Summit Hospital's official opening 18 months ago.)

+ The Georgia Senate approved a bill we've been following, to put tough restrictions on computer-generated "robo-calls." It appears the rules will require a human operator to be on the line, asking if you want to hear the computer message. The operators who take this sort of job might wind up with the lowest self-esteem on the planet.

+ WLTZ reported the Russell County NAACP helped clean up tornado damage in Cottonton. If that chapter can get involved in a project like that, I think the Columbus chapter can go back to the Spencer House downtown and finish the outside paint job.

+ A Russell County judge ordered Seale kennel owner Diane Brown to surrender all her remaining 170 dogs. But WRBL reported when animal control officers went to her home, 140 of them were missing. So if you see stray dogs roaming around Barbour County, they might not have blown there from the tornado.

+ The Cottonmouths came home from a three-game road trip, and were jarred by Jacksonville 7-1. When WEAM announcer Mike Vee starts talking about the Jacksonville booster club's post-game stroganoff and salad in the locker room -- AND the game is in Columbus -- you know it's out of hand.

(It should be noted several Cottonmouth players missed the game with the flu. If they can take shots on the ice, they should receive some off the ice - flu shots, I mean.)

+ Instant Message to the Diaz-Verson family: Let me get this straight. Fidel Castro's resignation as Cuban President was announced around 3:00 a.m. And you drove to Miami's "Little Havana" by 5:00 p.m.?! Just because you fled Cuba does NOT give you the right to break the speed limit.

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