16 FEB 06: LET'S GET INTO ANIMAL

"Animal Stories, little Tommy!" Those were the famous words of legendary Chicago radio announcer Larry Lujack years ago - introducing real news stories about animals, which tended to have bizarre twists to them. These days, a twist with an animal might bring a protest march.

Your blog has learned "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" plans a protest of some kind in Columbus today. What sort of stunt will this group pull? Another chicken mascot on crutches outside KFC, like a few years ago? Would PETA dare leave some pigs outside Country's Barbecue?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals tends to be a pro-vegetarian group. But I don't understand why they haven't tried to make serious money out of this -- for instance, by selling PETA bread.

Animals are making news all over the region right now. For instance, Wednesday night's Columbus Crimestoppers report was about a break-in at the Tropical Treasures pet shop on Macon Road. Someone took several animals, but apparently not money. C'mon now - I don't think AFLAC will give up its duck in a trade.

Columbus Police say the burglars entered Tropical Treasures around February 5, and took two Maltese puppies. This was stunning news to me - because I thought back to the old movies, and thought there were only Maltese falcons.

But that's not all - the animal-nappers stole a red tail boa constrictor and a "ball python." That tells me the thieves are NOT Columbus Cottonmouth fans. After all, you play hockey with a puck....

I understand the two snakes are big enough to swallow those two Maltese puppies. So if the thieves didn't take the right pet food in the process, this could become very ugly....

Animal stories can break out in the most unlikely places - such as state legislatures. The Georgia House voted Wednesday to declare an official state "cold water game fish." With a Republican majority, I'm surprised this isn't a Goldwater game fish.

The Georgia House was unanimous in naming the Southern Appalachian Brook Trout the official state cold water game fish. Supporters explained it serves as a perfect environmental warning sign. For instance, if it's flailing around in a dry riverbed, we probably have a drought....

But why be so specific when it comes to the Southern Appalachian Brook Trout? Why does Georgia need its own "cold water game fish?" Is there already a WARM water game fish? How about an official hot oil frying fish, while we're at it?

The nature study in the Georgia House didn't stop there Wednesday. Lawmakers also voted for the creation of a "Georgia Quail Trail." You almost wonder why they didn't declare the quail the state cold weather game bird.

The timing of the Georgia Quail Trail vote was amazing, as it came on the day Vice President Cheney officially took the blame for shooting a Texas attorney during a quail hunt. I've heard all sorts of jokes about that in recent days, and most seem rather callous. Just imagine if it had been a "Fox hunt."

Rep. Robert Ray of Fort Valley couldn't resist bringing up Vice President Cheney during the debate on a Georgia Quail Trail. He asked if there would be an area of protection for politicians. Aw c'mon - surely some towns along the way have military veterans' posts.

And thanks to another local blog, I learned the other day that members of the Alabama legislature want to declare an official state mammal. They want to make it the black bear - which I think is a compromise between the Crimson Tide elephant and the orange tiger.

The other blogger says there really aren't that many black bears in Alabama. I'll take his word for it, because I don't go roaming around the woods trying to find any....

SPAM-A-RAMA: In another amazing case of timing, Wednesday's e-mail included a spam message titled: "RUN A QUAIL." From now on, the Vice President may run FROM them instead.

YOUR INDISPUTABLY AWESOME LOCAL BLOG WINTER OLYMPIC COVERAGE: No one from Columbus competed in the Winter Olympics Wednesday. But someone from Australia won a skiing gold medal - so encourage your children to put on some skis, and slide down the hills at Idle Hour Park.

Now other quick things before I put the blog (and myself) to bed:

+ Two students were arrested at Smiths Station High School for making a drug deal in the commons area. Authorities say there was an exchange of adderall capsules, which are taken for attention deficit disorder. They went on to point out adderall capsules are taken for attention deficit disorder.

(Some students apparently think you can pass tests easier if you take adderall capsules, which are taken for attention deficit disorder. I didn't know these drugs read chapters of textbooks for you....)

+ The "Getting on Top of Life" broadcast on WHAL-AM found Pastor/School Board member Joseph Roberson saying he was once offered a job in Ohio - "but they had no grits up there, no sweet tea up there, no collard greens up there." Someone should tell him at least they have sugar packets for tea.

+ Which Columbus man is saying he should "get props" for keeping an evening TV newscast from completely collapsing? Doesn't he realize newscasts use scripts, while commercials usually use props?

+ Instant Message to WRBL: Really now - are you going to show Leonard Crain of the Better Business Bureau on your newscasts EVERY night? Is he the top contender to replace Phil Scoggins?

BLOG BAFFLER: Today's title is a line from WHAT old pop song? We'd like the name and performer - and we might give you a prize if you're the first to e-mail us with the right answer!

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