^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

7 NOV 03: A WOMAN SCORNED

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We're saving the guests and their jokes we promised for another day. Something more serious and bizarre suddenly has come up....)

The handwriting was literally on the wall, and said it all: "YOUR HOUSE F**K UP." The person who wrote that inside my next-door neighbor's apartment Thursday left a "Marks-a-Lot" black pen behind - but I was in no mood to start a progressive art project.

My next-door neighbor went to the doctor Thursday morning - and while she was gone, a granddaughter apparently stopped by the apartment and ransacked the place. So much stuff was scattered all over the floor that I began to see where they got the inspiration for Tasmanian Devil cartoons.

I heard noises outside my apartment window during the morning, and looked out to see a shopping cart in the driveway. I recalled an old woman used to roam the neighborhood, picking up items from trash baskets and collecting aluminum cans. My neighbor had so many cans on her back porch that the collector could have asked McDonald's to super-size it.

Based on what I'd seen and heard in the past, I suspected nothing unusual and went back to my routine. I was doing a Bible study based on a sermon I heard in Florida: "Loving the World the Way God Does." But when I heard my next-door neighbor in a high-pitched anguish, I decided it was time to stop studying - and start practicing.

Two Columbus police officers were talking with my neighbor Lola. She was sure her 18-year-old granddaughter Wendy (NOT her real name) was to blame for the mess in her apartment. In fact, another neighbor saw Wendy a few blocks away - and Wendy invited him to check the apartment. Many young criminals are too ignorant to keep their mouths shut.

Lola told police she'd put Wendy out of her apartment Monday. Lola wound up caring for the granddaughter, because the parents either were dead or behind bars. Yet Wendy had run-ins with the law during her teens, including a suspension from school. You don't have to go to Panama City Beach to find "Girls Gone Wild," you know....

You only needed to peek inside Lola's front door to see the damage. Toilet paper and sugar were on the floor, words were written on walls and glass - in short, it was what Superintendent John Phillips might have done if the school sales tax had failed.

"To be honest," a police officer told Lola, "I've been waiting for her to screw up." I vaguely recalled him visiting the apartment before. "Community policing" is nice, but I personally don't like officers to become THAT familiar with the community.

The officer explained the juvenile justice system can't handle young women like Wendy. And let's face it, Judge Aaron Cohn is getting a bit old for spanking teenagers....

Lola told police she's ready to press a felony warrant against her granddaughter. "If you don't care of her, I'LL take care of her!" she declared. But Lola is 75, a bit frail, has no car - and there are no Tae Kwon Do classrooms within walking distance.

"I told you before -- I wouldn't arrest you," the officer answered Lola with a bit of a smile. Of course he wouldn't. Homicide arrests are handled by the Major Case Squad.

While police processed the warrant papers, I offered to help Lola clean up her damaged apartment. To be honest, it could have been much worse - as I didn't notice any damage to glass or porcelain items. Female ransackers must be neater than those males in Iraq....

Assuming Wendy did the damage, she used a variety of items to do it - including a green powder of some sort, that both Lola and I couldn't figure out. It sure made the bread slices on the floor LOOK moldy, at least.

The ransacker used all sorts of things from the kitchen to damage the apartment. Cleaning the living room area, I found:

+ A bag of frozen cut okra. Even some vandals care about a balanced diet.

+ A package of two Tom's cupcakes. The single guy in me saw this and pondered - "Tom's makes cupcakes?! I've gotta check that out."

+ Dozens of what appeared to be miniature sandwich cookies. Throw THESE on the floor?! No wonder it's a felony case.

But it was the handwriting on the walls that left no doubt about the prime suspect. One message near the kitchen said: "IT HURT YOU PUT ME OUT WHY" Hopefully it was not for flunking an English exam....

Lola's main bedroom had plenty of disarray as well. Wendy apparently took some lipstick and wrote the "B-word" on a couple of walls. The take-home lesson for me was obvious: "Never cheat on the women you date; never cheat on the women you date...."

(But you know what? Shortly before this interruption, I was in my bedroom feeling a bit sorry at myself for being 45 and still single. Now I'm reminded family life isn't always a guaranteed better thing.)

Also written in lipstick on a bedroom wall were these words: "IF I GO TO JAIL I HAVE BETTER LIFE" Those truly are words of despair and hopelessness -- because after all, not every downtown teenager can leave home and becomes a gangster rap star.

. Lola told me she can't sleep in her bed for awhile, because it's all wet. I don't know if Wendy spilled something on the bed in her rage - but I certainly could understand it being wet from her Grandma's tears.

After sweeping, dusting and vacuuming the living room so most of the damage was gone, Lola thanked me - and she asked me to pray for her. "Ask God to get the devil off my back," she said. Since I never saw Wendy, perhaps this devil really DID have a blue dress on.

BLOG UPDATE: The decision on debates was announced Thursday - and Columbus will NOT host one of the Presidential forums next fall. Howard Dean will have to find some other way to meet those people with Confederate flags in their pick-up trucks.

The organizers of 2004 Presidential debates awarded them to universities in Miami, suburban Cleveland, St. Louis and suburban Phoenix. If Columbus wants to compete seriously for one of these events, it seems clear something is lacking - at least one million residents.

If the Columbus Convention and Visitors Bureau really wants to be bold, it could still stage a debate at the RiverCenter - and invite Presidential candidates from the lesser-known parties. It might be fun hearing Ralph Nader try to outargue H. Ross Perot.