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28 NOV 03: IT'S JUST ANOTHER DAY
My schedule for this Friday is a basic one: do the laundry, exercise and check church magazine stands. Oh yes, one special thing HAS been added - avoid Peachtree Mall, Columbus Park Crossing and Wal-Mart stores at all cost.
My personal "freeze period" begins today, where I do NOT visit any malls until December 26th unless it's an absolute emergency. So here's a reminder for those of you lining up outside at 5:45 a.m. outside Dillard's - some of us are laughing at you in our sleep.
Did I see the commercial correctly - Fred's discount stores are opening for shoppers at 5:00 a.m.?! Aw, c'mon! The 12:00 noon college football game between Colorado and Nebraska isn't THAT big a matchup....
And how about the Wal-Mart commercial where "Josh" the associate declares, "The day after Thanksgiving is when it all begins"?! So what was that alleged Santa Claus at the mall doing the last few days -- pre-season drills?
I was shocked - SHOCKED! - earlier this week to drive to Peachtree Mall, and find a Sam's Club/Wal-Mart tractor-trailer sitting in the parking lot near Penney's. [True] Either one of the mall's big department stores is about to close, or this is where Wal-Mart secretly picks up the immigrant workers.
A few stores in Columbus were open Thursday. One friend told me about seeing a long line outside the door of a Kmart. You don't think President Bush got the idea for a secret trip to Baghdad from Martha Stewart travelling to Columbus.... ?!
I enjoyed Thanksgiving Dinner at Ryan's on Manchester Expressway Thursday evening, and the restaurant was pretty full. But the cashier told me she expected to see a bigger crowd. I'm assuming that's in numbers - and not the waistlines of the people walking in.
The trip to Ryan's was a break in a long workday for me. I worked on Thanksgiving in Columbus for the seventh year in a row! At this rate, I'll never get to see the Detroit Lions on TV in their new stadium....
Oh yeah, I didn't explain the "freeze period" business. I won't shop at malls for the next four weeks because I don't celebrate Xmas. Personally, I think Lucy got it right in that Charlie Brown special when she declared, "It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know."
Yes, I believe Christ was born - but I don't believe it was on or around December 25th. In fact, I'm still trying to find the Bible verse where the ox and a** (don't want to offend here) kept time to that little drummer boy....
And then there's Santa Claus. I'm sorry if this bursts any snow bubbles, but the guys in the mall are nothing but big, red, fat, phony frauds! They're in charge of Xmas about as much as Governor Bob Riley is in charge of the Auburn University Board of Trustees.
So now you know why Friday's schedule is so ordinary for me. But I must admit I HAVE toyed with the idea of writing a new opera about this time of year -- "A Mall and the Night Visitors."
SONG OF THE DAY: Since Tommy Tuberville is showing remarkable wisdom by not saying a word, I'll speak for the Auburn football coach - putting new words on the "Tommy" rock opera song, "Pinball Wizard:"
Ever since the new millennium, he's coached out on the Plains.
He's had some winning records, but things are rather strange.
His boss flew to Kentucky, like he was 'bout to fall.
But yet Tommy Tuberville's -
Still coaching that foot-ball!
His aide was named Petrino, who took a better job.
The trustees went to see him, and Louisville felt robbed.
Now athletic directors are so close to a brawl,
And there's Tommy Tuberville -
Still coaching that foot-ball!
We thought a win o'er 'Bama was enough.
Now for David Housel, the going's getting rough!
"Why do you think they went there?"
"I don't know! Tommy's just 7-and-5!"
If Tommy takes a new job, then who will take the blame?
The President of Auburn? That seems a little lame.
The A.D. and the trustees - they're in denial, all.
For now, Tommy Tuberville's -
Still coaching that foot-ball!
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© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.