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18 NOV 04: ORANGE YOU EARLY?

It was 5:40 a.m. Wednesday in Orange, California when someone or something there dialed my phone number. Early to bed, early to rise - and telemarketers hope to score fast buys.

The telemarketer calling me from southern California identified himself as "Mike Daniels." I worked with a radio announcer by that name in Oklahoma more than 20 years ago - only that announcer didn't sound like he was from New Delhi.

Mike Daniels talked very quickly about a program with a name like "Premiere Services." In fact, he talked SO fast I didn't catch it right away. Sometimes you can tell who had too much coffee first thing in the morning....

Mike Daniels said all I had to do was examine his offer for seven days, and I'd receive a $200 gift card. The card would be good at a wide range of stores, from Lowe's to Old Navy. Shortly before the call, I'd read online of the Sears-Kmart merger - but I didn't know dozens of other stores merged with it.

(By the way, isn't that a great combination - Sears merging with Kmart? I can't wait to see Martha Stewart color-coordinated circular saws, and Kathy Ireland designer tool belts.)

So what was this special offer? Mike Daniels said I'd receive 16 free movie passes a month under the plan, as well as dozens of free DVD rentals. And I'd probably save even more money if I had cable TV - since I could unplug it, with no time to watch it.

Mike Daniels read through a fast list of where I could use my free movie passes. "AMC, Loew's, Regal Cinema...." but one important Columbus name was missing.

"Do they work at Carmike?" You know, the future workplace of some Char-Broil employees.

"They're good at AMC, Loew's, Regal Cinemas...." the telemarketer repeated. It was as if the only English word this salesman understood was "yes" - certainly not "no."

After assuring me something would be worked out for movie passed at Carmike Cinemas, Mike Daniels went to the vital information. "Your name is, like, Richard...."

"Yes. In fact, my name IS Richard."

After checking my name and address, the telemarketer explained the trial period with Premiere Services would cost only $3.95 for shipping and handling. But NO credit cards were accepted - the company would deduct the money from my checking account. So this boiler room is on the same financial level as Family Dollar stores....

Mike Daniels explained the checking or debit card policy by saying, "We don't want your money." So put your own stamp on the envelope, and don't charge me shipping and handling.

Mike Daniels wanted to know the next numbered check in my account. "Grab your checkbook!" he exhorted me over the phone. I guess this was only fair -- since he'd grabbed my attention away from what I was doing before work.

But no, I did NOT grab my checkbook. Instead I raised the point so many telemarketers today forget. "Aren't you going to ask me if I'm interested in what you're selling?"

Welllll - no, he didn't want to ask that. Mike Daniels repeated the last part of his routine instead. I've heard repetition is the best form of learning - but it also can be the easiest way to annoy a customer.

Finally I told the telemarketer I wasn't interested in the offer -- and he had a question to ask me. "What's holding you back?" There were several things, actually - like the advice we all heard as children, not to go for a ride with strangers.

"I don't go to movies," I added. In fact, the last one I attended outside an IMAX film was on Labor Day, 1980 - a forgotten slasher movie called "Deadly Blessing," in which Sharon Stone was a no-name co-star. More than 24 years later, you can tell I still have guilt pangs about seeing that R-rated movie....

For some reason, Mike Daniels passed me on to his floor supervisor. This man also sounded like he would have been more comfortable in Bollywood than Hollywood - working with Indian movies.

The supervisor reviewed my vital information one more time. "Your zip code is, like, 30331?" No, not even LIKE that. The number might have worked when I lived in College Park - and the most irritating phone calls came from people thinking
I ran a car rental company.

The supervisor probed me deeper. "Do you have any children?" No. "Are you married?" No. Sadly, the boiler room did NOT double as a singles chat-line.

As the supervisor tried to make one more pitch for his offer, the phone line suddenly went dead. It wasn't from my end - so I guess their ten minutes on the prepaid card were up.

So the game ended, with everyone left lacking. No free movie passes to share with my friends. No checking account number being passed on to telemarketers. And no money spreading from there to who knows how many southern California immigrants.

Now let's hang up the phone and check other local Wednesday topics:

+ A preliminary site plan was unveiled for the area around the new Columbus Library - and it actually includes an area for 300 housing units. How nice to give the beggars outside the library door a place to stay....

(The preliminary plan also has space set aside for shops and restaurants. Of course, we all remember how well that concept worked before - when Columbus Square Mall was there.)

+ An online check showed the "Friends of David Glisson" web site isn't working at the moment. You'd think they would wait until after the District Attorney in Albany releases his report on the Kenneth Walker killing, before shutting it down.

+ The price of regular unleaded gas dropped as low as $1.81 in parts of downtown Columbus. In a way, I'm disappointed to see this - because my weight isn't going down fast enough to match this number.

+ Adams Pharmacy in Opelika confirmed to me it's offering the nasal form of flu vaccine to people ages 5-49. So if you were in line for a shot and missed it, now you can drive to Lee County and mist it....

+ Instant Message to The Sports Arena near Cooper Creek Park: I saw your ad in the "Super Saver Value Book" claiming to have "everything you need." But c'mon now - do I really NEED professional wrestlers?

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.