21 MAR 11: Smell My Avalanche
Spring officially arrived in Columbus Sunday evening. But at my home, Serious Spring Cleaning began more than a week ago - and this year, I'm taking steps to remove things which don't belong. If I've never used the electric typewriter to write this blog, it's probably time to give it away.
Sunday's cleaning brought me to the chest of drawers in the bedroom - where I found several things in common, which struck me as a bit comical. Over the years I've collected unusual antiperspirant containers. If you're someone who can survive with only "deodorant" in the South, you must have better air conditioning during summer than I do.
These containers are unusual because of their scents. They're not simply "musk" or "talcum" anymore. Modern antiperspirants apparently have to sound more adventurous than that - as if you need a matching scent for every stress-filled moment of life, and you'll be able to put it on in the milliseconds before.
Four of these antiperspirant scents were atop my chest of drawers. Let's take them from left to right, beginning with Speed Stick's "Fresh Rush" powder. This would be perfect to give college football players, if it wasn't probably a violation of NCAA rules.
Since your computer probably doesn't have a "smell" application, I can report Fresh Rush smells a bit to me like classic Speed Stick spice. That was good enough for my Father over the years. But these days, too many men must see "spice" and think of a pop singing group.
The second antiperspirant was Right Guard Sport. But the scent was not "Sport" - it was "Adrenaline." From its specks of green, you might conclude Adrenaline leads to mint-flavored measles....
I emptied the small container of Adrenaline several years ago. There's still a chemical smell under the cap, but that smell is hard to describe. If it's not the odor of sweat, I suppose that's sufficient enough.
The third antiperspirant has the most absurd scent name. It's Speed Stick "Avalanche" - and it's apparently so popular that the name has a registered trademark. Mennen probably had to claim it before the hockey team in Colorado did.
Really now - if you were caught in an avalanche, would you stop for a moment to analyze how it smells? I suppose an avalanche of snow would smell nicer than one with boulders. Not to mention your clothes being easier to clean....
This is another case where the product is a chemical concoction that I can't really describe. Avalanche doesn't even remind me of the smell in the air before a spring shower -- which I suppose Mennen saved for an antiperspirant named Thunderstorm.
Our last entry is a gel called "Fresh Scent." Talk about an open-ended description. I could be putting the smell of hamburgers or wheat bread under my arms.
But a sniff comparison found there's consistency here. Fresh Scent gel smells exactly like the Fresh Rush powder. So why would one of them be called "rush" - when you can put both on equally as fast?
I've saved these antiperspirant containers for years, for use in a stand-up comedy routine. But this year, I've decided it's time for almost all of them to go. Enough Fresh Rush remains for me to use when the need requires. But the "Avalanche" is heading down - perhaps to the bottom of the landfill.
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BLOG SPECIAL EVENT: Today you get to start voting for the winner of our BIG BLOG DUCK HUNT! We've posted three audio entries - but we're not naming the people who submitted them. (In fact, we edited one entry which included the contestant's name.) After all, millions of people didn't know Gilbert Gottfried was the voice of the Aflac duck until he lost his job.
Now let's review a relatively quiet weekend of news....
+ A Sunday trip down Victory Drive revealed the last bricks have fallen from the old Baker High School. After two months of demolition, only a few piles remain -- and if Newt Gingrich hurries, he can stage a news conference there to declare education is main platform in a campaign for President.
+ A drug checkpoint set up on Interstate 185 at Smith Road led to dozens of arrests, and the discovery of everything from cocaine to methamphetamine. The lesson from this should be obvious. Harris County drug dealers should be more focused on Kia employees, at the other side of the county.
+ Thousands of people attended the annual Thunder in the Valley air show at Columbus Airport. WTVM showed one plane doing a dangerous nosedive, and I thought it was illustrating the U.S. economy.
+ Alabama Governor Robert Bentley announced the creation of a Seafood Marketing Commission. It's probably too late to market oysters as slicker than usual. So is there any way to make shrimp glow in the dark, and claim radiation arrived from Japan?
+ The Columbus Lions opened the new indoor football season by nailing the Alabama Hammers 67-20. The team from Huntsville must be "hammering" the way I do -- missing the target one-third of the time, out of fear you'll hurt your thumb.
+ Auburn University hosted opening-round games in the NCAA women's basketball tournament. WLTZ reported the basketball players are spending about $100 per day, while the fans spend about $150 per day. Maybe the fans should learn a lesson from the players, and save money by traveling on buses.
+ University of Alabama safety Mark Barron arrested in Mobile on charges of "hindering prosecution." You can appeal to the referees on the field, but not always at the scene of a crime.
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