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6 NOV 03: SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW

Much of Columbus talked Wednesday about the close vote for the one-cent school sales tax. I say "much" because WRCG's Russ Hollenbeck decided there was some breaking event at Port Columbus which took priority.

Russ Hollenbeck hurt the flow of "TalkLine" by insisting on his every-first-Wednesday visit from people at Port Columbus. It turns out the museum's guest arrived late, due to that OTHER north-south divide of Columbus - freight trains blocking 10^th Avenue and 9^th Street.

To his credit, Russ Hollenbeck let Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff read a short statement over the phone at the start of the show appealing for north-south unity. That may be easier said than done. The Mustard Seed Christian store is on the north side of town - and it's promoting YANKEE candles right now....

WRCG's Russ Hollenbeck let Mayor Poydasheff read his statement appealing for unity - but apparently the Mayor was so busy at Columbus State University, the talk show didn't ask him any questions. For instance, about C.S.U. opening a satellite campus on Victory Drive or something....

(Did you see the voter quotes in Wednesday's paper - where a Columbus city employee said we're taxed too much already? Hopefully he'll have his resume updated, before the city asks for its own one-cent sales tax next year.)

Wednesday's Ledger-Enquirer analyzed the sales tax vote by precinct - and sure enough, people south of Macon Road were against it, while almost all the precincts north of Macon Road were for it. So what about those four northside precincts against the sales tax? Are those areas where most of the students go to Calvary Christian and Brookstone?

(By the way, I checked online early Wednesday -- and your blog posted sales tax results BEFORE the Ledger-Enquirer and WRBL web sites did! When will journalists here learn in the Internet age, you don't have to wait until tomorrow to post the news of today?)

The latest sign of north-south division in Columbus opened for business Wednesday. Carmike has a new 15-cinema complex at Columbus Park Crossing, not that far from the Hollywood Connection's "Ritz 10." Moviegoers on the southside risk going through car searches, to get to Fort Benning's Wynnsong 10.

The new Carmike 15 has several unusual quirks. For one thing, you can order grape-flavored popcorn! So when will they start offering "corn chip soda" to wash it down?

The opening of 15 new movie screens at Columbus Park Crossing came at a price. The seven-screen discount house on Sidney Simons Boulevard near Office Depot closed a few days ago. You now may begin wagering on which church denomination will claim it first.

(So does this closing mean the line has moved, and Manchester Expressway is now part of "Columbus South?" It has a few X-rated shops scattered around, you know....)

To be fair, Carmike's decisions reflect more than a north-side divide. Phenix City hasn't had a movie theater in years. And Smith Station's best hope is for someone to hook up a DVD player to a TV set, in the back of a video store.

Another sign of change in Columbus business was the news this week that Piggly Wiggly is buying out the Lewis-Jones grocery stores. It's been more than five years since the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition announced a boycott of local Piggly Wiggly stores - and I guess this news shows how successful that's been.

Piggly Wiggly reportedly plans to close the Lewis-Jones stores on Buena Vista Road and near Manchester Expressway. Another store will have a name change, leaving only one "Lewis-Jones" on 13^th Street. We'll see how "classic" and traditional this store becomes - for instance, whether beer sales will be banned again.

Now we have some Instant Messages to send around the area:

+ To Phenix City's Public Safety Department: Thank you for clearing away that overturned tanker, so U.S. 280 could reopen Wednesday. But once and for all, how DO you pronounce the name of the chemical in that tanker? It sounded at times like "Dime-a-Tapp-a-mine" or "Dime-for-each-way-you-say-it-mine."

+ To Rob Doll Nissan: You CANNOT be serious! You're actually offering a free shotgun, to anyone buying a pick-up truck?! For one thing, does the shotgun come loaded -- in case the customer finds out he bought a lemon?

+ To Columbus and the Valley magazine: Who was the genius who put together an ad, saying the Columbus Symphony is conducted by GEORGIA Del Gobbo? He's the last person we'd expect to get a sex change operation.

(Then again, maybe this was a test -- to see if people really read that magazine, or simply put it on their coffee table and forget about it.)

+ To Electra Bail Bonds in Phenix City: Did you really mean to have that artwork on your "park bench ad" downtown - with a guy holding his hands up, standing next to a bag of money? Isn't someone like that an argument AGAINST allowing bail?

COMING FRIDAY: I'm taking a day off from blogging, to let other people fill in and supply you the jokes. If you have one to share, send it to me ASAP....

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5 NOV 03: A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

The people spoke Tuesday night about a one-cent school sales tax in Muscogee County. But the vote was so close, the final numbers didn't come until about 11:30 p.m. -- so the people apparently spoke out of both sides of their mouth, making things hard to understand.

Unofficial final returns show the Muscogee County school sales tax passed by 279 votes, out of nearly 23,000 votes cast. (11,537 for, 11,258 against) The margin was SO CLOSE that I suggested they flip a penny to decide it.

(The No side of the question had to be stunned by the outcome -- since after all, you can't spell SPLOST without "lost.")

The one-cent school sales tax came down to about six votes per precinct. Who knows how different things could have been, if that overturned tanker in Phenix City hadn't kept people from getting to voting booths on time?

Because of Tuesday night's vote, the sales tax in Muscogee County will go up to - well, how high WILL it be? Opponents of the tax made it sound like it'll be eight cents. But one more penny actually makes it SEVEN cents -- so maybe the No side is volunteering to pay a little extra.

To hear the "Vote Yes" side tell it, Tuesday night's vote also means school cafeteria kitchens now will be air-conditioned. So much for my bright idea -- to expand the Valley Rescue Mission's annual "Fan Club" campaign.

Your blogger spent Tuesday night at the Government Center, watching the votes come in from across Muscogee County. Was it dramatic? Was it a drawn-out bore? We kept a timeline, you decide....

7:43 p.m.: Election supervisor Nancy Boren tells a man in the West Wing of the Government Center, "We need to give 'em something...." I assume she's talking about partial returns for The Mass Media. But then again, maybe she has to pay some people twice the gas mileage to drive the results downtown.

I'm told the first precinct to have returns arrive at the Government Center is #48, which is Midland Academy. Either not many people voted there, or somebody got away with breaking the speed limit.

7:46 p.m.: Election staffers at the Government Center explain the ballots are brought in through a color-coded system. Blue bags are brought by "advance runners" from precincts. Orange bags have voting supplies and such. Sadly, no one ever brings in a green bag - as in a pizza delivery.

One election worker walks by saying noisily: "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" - reciting the words of a new Dodge truck commercial. A friend of mine quickly points out we don't know if that ad sells cars. Maybe not, but we know it makes some people sound weird.

7:48 p.m.: An election board employee named Andy asks me for no clear reason: "You don't know anyone who gives cheap lobotomies, do you?" I could use a little extra money, but I'm not stooping to stunts like that.

Andy notices a TV reporter going into a nearby restroom, sees me holding a notepad and comments again: "Ever noticed all these young reporters nowadays are so good-looking?" He quickly apologizes -- which I think is a slap at me for being an exception to his rule.

Andy rephrases his line of thinking a bit: "I think these reporters look so good that they don't have to BE good." I'm not sure Teresa Whitaker would consider that a compliment or not....

7:56 p.m.: As I walk down a hall toward the Election Board office, a gray-haired, gray-bearded man named Joe asks me, "Are you here from I.T.?" No, I'm not. I'm not even here from the N-O.

7:58 p.m.: The entryway to the Election Board office is the unofficial gathering place for reporters, awaiting school sales tax results. Two TV stations are there. The Ledger-Enquirer is there. But NO radio station is represented. Couldn't Robbie Watson find a babysitter for the night?

The strange thing is that no one is waiting from either side of the sales tax issue, pro or con. Apparently this is one of those rare campaigns where both sides actually trust The Mass Media to get the story right.

The Election Board staff hands out a first sheet of vote count numbers. Three precincts out of 50 are reporting, and the Yes side has a 59-percent majority. Thankfully, no one around me is stupid enough to declare the question settled "based on early returns."

8:14 p.m.: "Nancy! We've got help...." says a man to Nancy Boren as another man walks in. Maybe this is the expert from Information Technology. But then again, maybe this guy just arrived from Birmingham -- after helping HealthSouth's Richard Scrushy cook a different set of numbers.

8:20 p.m.: With 12 precincts out of 50 reporting, the No side suddenly has a 55-percent advantage. It's that old song: "First you say you will, and then you won't...."

A couple of concerned women are in the Election Board office, apparently because voting materials were locked inside St. Mary's Road United Methodist Church after the poll workers went home. Staff members try to track down the custodian. In some churches, the Pastor would have enough "faith power" to speak those doors open.

8:24 p.m.: We amble outside the office for a moment, and notice the tall windows of the Government Center's West Wing. They have some noticeable, large cobwebs - a few several stories high. Already I can see one city argument for another
one-cent sales tax increase.

A couple of men are at a table facing the West Wing entrance, handling bags of returns as they arrive. I show them the latest numbers, which are sticking out from my note pad - but my notes are what grab their attention first. "I can't read that!" one says. "You must be akin to my doctor...."

The two men tell me several big precincts on the north side of Columbus still are out, such as Hardaway and Britt David. They could turn the vote around - assuming they're the same rubber stamps for city government they usually are.

8:26 p.m.: A man and woman tell an election staffer about curiosities at their polling place. Five to seven people had blank ballots - where the card to vote went in and out, but no vote was cast. Perhaps these people only show up at the polls to take a long break from work.

This couple goes on to say the new touch-screen voting machines are the most challenging they've ever encountered. "Sometimes you almost have to beat it so the machine will do what we want it to do," the man says. So it's a throwback to TV sets of years gone by....

8:31 p.m.: Downtown parking was at a premium on this night, so I ask the two men at the West Wing table what might be going on across the street at the RiverCenter. "Flash? Splash? Some one-named group," one of the men says. It turns out to be a production of the musical "Fame." So much for that show planning to "live forever."

8:33 p.m.: With 16 precincts now counted, the No side's percentage lead is down to 51-49. This contest is looking a lot more like pro football than college.

8:42 p.m.: With 21 precincts now counted, the Yes side has the lead again at 52 percent. But Republican activist Colin Martin tells someone in the West Wing that "30^th Avenue and Eddy had machines that failed." Clearly this north-south problem in Columbus is real - because the south side of town either is getting trashy touch-screens, or bad electric power.

8:46 p.m.: While she awaits final sales tax numbers, WRBL reporter Candice Cook pulls out her Sprint wireless phone and starts playing Pac-Man on it. I've never seen a woman do that before -- especially in a dress and heels.

But I have a flashback, and can't point any fingers at this reporter. About 22 years ago, a feuding utility board in Kansas City, Kansas had such lengthy "executive sessions" during meetings that I actually took a board game to pass the time. (Magnetic chess, I think.) The utility board noticed me pulling it out - and as I recall, the meetings sped up after that.

8:51 p.m.: Columbus Assistant Police Chief Rick Boren is spotted behind the Election Board office counter. He's the husband of Nancy Boren - and explains he's there "to offer moral support." And just imagine the surprise anti-tax groups would have received, if they had started a protest march.

Rick Boren openly hopes his wife will show HIM the same sort of "moral support" when the S.O.A. Watch protest occurs. He says Columbus police will begin preparing for that protest Monday, November 17 - so criminals can mark their calendars for when to strike.

8:53 p.m.: Colin Martin tells an election staff member in the West Wing the sales tax vote "is going to come down to the absentees." He says counts of precincts around town make it appear the Yes side has a lead of 1,100 votes. Later events will suggest at least one vote-counter has a hidden dyslexia problem.

8:55 p.m.: With 28 of 50 precincts counted, the Yes side leads by about 300 votes. This question truly has become about as tight as opponent Jim Evans's wallet.

9:09 p.m.: At the 32-precinct mark, the margin is now only 59 votes. Five minutes later, a 38-precinct report shows only a 35-vote spread. Superintendent John Phillips couldn't stand getting this close to a tax opponent over the last few weeks.

9:18 p.m.: A cell phone goes off in the Election Board office with a very familiar ring - and I challenge everyone in the room to name that tune. No one even tries to guess. Only through an old web posting from a longtime CNN Headline News friend do I learn it's "Für Elise" - proving again classical music gets no respect.

9:40 p.m.: Now we have 48 of 50 precincts counted - apparently all except the absentee and provisional votes. The Yes side's advantage is only 309 votes. Why, some Muscogee County portable classrooms have gaps wider than this.

9:45 p.m.: I openly ask if we're only waiting on absentee ballots now. Andy the election worker replies, "We're waiting on several things...." He's not smiling and cracking jokes anymore - as instead, he's going step-by-step through an instruction book for handling "advance voting" machines in the Election Board office. Maybe this was TOO advanced voting?!

10:11 p.m.: Reporters are in a long wait for final numbers. One of them recalls interviewing Superintendent John Phillips around 7:30 that evening -- and "he smelled of alcohol in his breath." If the sales tax winds up failing, we could be wishing for the Safety Cab program to start early.

The "Vote Yes" committee is having an Election Night party down the street from the Government Center, at the
Wyndham Hotel. To me, this is a shock. The way opponents talked, I thought surely the Yes side would meet at Columbus Park Crossing.

10:15 p.m.: We overhear an Election Board staffer say on a cell phone: "We just got the last precinct in...." That'll teach the school board to hold these votes on the night of a Cottonmouths home game.

10:24 p.m.: The Assistant Managing Editor of the Ledger-Enquirer is told by phone to ask what sort of vote margin is required for an automatic recount. This raises an interesting question: what sort of background does the Election Board have? Shouldn't the members have to pass a math proficiency exam every couple of years?

10:28 p.m.: After 48 minutes of waiting, reporters are shown a vote count with "partial absentee numbers." Somehow I suspect dentists could have partials ready in less time than this.

10:47 p.m.: Nancy Boren comes out and assures reporters final numbers should be ready in about ten minutes. "We're finalizing the vote," Boren says - but she doesn't explain exactly what that means. Do they have to go to Walgreen's and buy wrapping paper for it?

A reporter asks if there are technical problems with the vote count - and Nancy Boren dodges the question. After all, a "computer glitch" to me could be a programmer with sloppy fingers to you.

11:00 p.m.: The late local newscasts begin, with no final numbers from the school sales tax question. Some of us wonder under our breaths if we've moved to Florida or something.

(These are the times I wish I had a boombox. I could have taken it to the Election Board office, held a mini-concert while everyone was waiting and sold some CD's.)

11:09 p.m.: Rick Boren tells someone this is the "longest ten minutes" he's seen in awhile. Apparently he missed last weekend's Georgia-Florida football game.

11:12 p.m.: Reporters now are listening carefully for anything they might overhear from Election Board offices. Suddenly a man says, "It didn't pass!" But as we start noting those words, he adds: "We've already checked with D.M.V., and he's not
registered." Does someone in that office have a hidden camera, to see if reporters will jump to conclusions?

11:13 p.m.: Nancy Boren is overheard telling someone on a telephone, "We're almost there." This could refer to final vote numbers - or board members reaching the limit of their frustrations and walking out.

11:17 p.m.: A Ledger-Enquirer photographer joins the group of journalists at the Election Board office. He reports the "Vote Yes" rally at the Wyndham featured "taquitas." From what I heard earlier, it may have had tequilas as well....

11:19 p.m.: Nancy Boren announces to the reporters: "We're finalizing the absentees. Give us about five more minutes, and
we'll have it done." She's starting to sound like a waitperson at a crowded Waffle House on a weekend.

Even with the long delay, neither side in the sales tax debate has sent anyone to the Government Center to find out what's going on. Maybe deep-down, they're like the 72 percent majority of Muscogee County registered voters - who didn't bother to vote at all.

11:27 p.m.: An older man comes out with the news we've waited all night to hear. "It DID pass, by about 275-280 votes." We'd overheard someone say "four votes" minutes before - but perhaps that was the board voting on whether to head to Denny's for a late-night snack.

The gentleman finally explains the problem which kept Columbus voters waiting for hours. "An absentee ballot card malfunctioned, it had to be recreated, and we had to contact the programmers in Vancouver." Yes, amazing as it sounds -- the Muscogee County sales tax issue may have been settled by computer geeks in Canada.

11:40 p.m.: As Troy State Public Radio plays a dramatic "fantasy" of Tchaikovsky fitting for the moment, we quickly drive to the Wyndham Hotel for reaction to the final vote count. But when we walk inside, we learn the party is over. Was the "Vote Yes" group THAT upset about not appearing on live local television?

While the party is gone, I find three men talking about schools in a room with drinks. One of them looks like tax opponent Jim Evans, and another is Colin Martin. "We won!" is all Martin would say for the record. Uh-oh - which set of bad statistics is he looking at NOW?

COMING THURSDAY: Changing times, at the movies and the markets....

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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4 NOV 03: HOW MUCH MOORE?

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore ran out of legal lifelines Monday. The U.S. Supreme Court refused to take his appeal, concerning the Ten Commandments monument in Montgomery. So what happens to the monument now? Will Mr. Moore propose having court sessions in that storage closet?

The U.S. Supreme Court doesn't have to give a reason for turning down appeals, so we're left to guess about Roy Moore's case. Perhaps the justices saw the artwork depicting Moses and the Ten Commandments on their building walls in Washington, and decided sandblasting would cost too much.

(Either that, or the U.S. Supreme Court decided the 2000 Presidential election was the last ticking time bomb it wants to touch for awhile....)

After the decision in Washington was announced, an official with the Southern Poverty Law Center called on the Alabama Chief Justice to resign. The official predicted Roy Moore will go down as one of the most deplorable state officials in Alabama history. Oh really?! How many high-pressure fire hoses has he pointed at atheists and judges?

Lawyers for Roy Moore told reporters in Prattville, Alabama the Chief Justice feels "disappointed, but not defeated." Perhaps he's still holding out hope God will strike down some U.S. Supreme Court justices, and settle the Ten Commandments issue the other way.

One attorney declared Roy Moore will keep fighting until you-know-what (ahem) freezes over - and when that happens, "we'll fight 'em on the ice!" We never realized Justice Moore was such a big hockey fan....

The next showdown date for Roy Moore is November 12^th - when Alabama's "Court of the Judiciary" considers his suspension for ignoring a federal court order. Lawyers for the Chief Justice predict he'll be kicked out of office. If the court moves quickly, we may have found Rush Limbaugh's radio replacement.

BLOG UPDATE: Today (Tuesday) is school sales tax decision day in Muscogee County. A last-minute "yes" rally downtown Monday featured a statement of support from Tax Commissioner Lula Huff. Well, of course she supports it. Without all that tax money, her staff will get bored handling drivers' licenses all day.

Muscogee County Superintendent Dr. John Phillips said it's time for voters to "forget about the NAACP" and vote for the school sales tax. Uh-oh, now he's done it. The NAACP has ways to make sure it isn't forgotten - such as marching on the Superintendent's house.

Edward DuBose of the NAACP says if voters reject the school sales tax, it will NOT be anything to celebrate. It won't?! President Bush would hold political fund-raisers taking credit for it. He did Monday in Birmingham....

Columbus Councilor Nathan Suber's "Citizens for Good Government" group has its own anti-tax ads playing on radio stations. He says you should reject the Muscogee County School Board putting a "monument to administration" ahead of schools. This is the first time I've heard anyone mention building a statue of Guy Sims.

E-MAIL UPDATE: I warned "The Godfather" of the "Why I'm Right" blog I'd respond to his venting against Columbus [29 Oct] - and sure enough, he replied to it:

I just read it... Haha... You did very well. And of course, Columbus is an OK little burg. But I live off of sarcasm and it was easy to be sarcastic about that town.

But hey man, what's the deal with not having a Starbucks!? And that little one at Barnes and Noble that doesn't open until 11 doesn't count.... That's reason enough for me to not want to come back! :-)

PS. Your pastor was right. South Beach has you WAY outdone in the sin category!

I enjoy your blog by the way.

Sarcasm? About Columbus?? Maybe that explains some of Kaffie Sledge's newspaper columns over the years....

And here I thought Columbus had made the big time, by having a Starbucks inside the Barnes and Noble store. But this visitor declares it doesn't count!? Maybe we're just not as addicted to lattes here, compared with other cities. Biscuits maybe, but not lattes.

(A "little" Starbucks isn't enough for this guy? He should be thankful - because a big one probably would have long lines of people on weekend mornings.)

By the way -- Instant Message to Barnes and Noble: Why are you NOT listed in the new BellSouth Yellow Pages under "bookstores?" Are you so diversified that I should be looking under "department stores" instead?

COMING WEDNESDAY: The one-cent vote, and the priceless reaction to it....

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3 NOV 03: YES, NO AND WWW

An early nominee for Columbus quote of the year goes to Councilor Mimi Woodson, who gave this response when the Ledger-Enquirer asked for her opinion on the school sales tax question: "I got to pray about that one." If that was her actual response, we need the sales tax money to teach some adults remedial English.

The final push is on, for and against Tuesday's one-cent school sales tax question. You don't see this much fighting about a penny when two homeless men find one on the street.

I spent some time Sunday night at a debating point you may have overlooked - the web sites for and against the school sales tax. The "Vote Yes 2003" site includes the familiar logo of a penny in the "O" of "Vote." Why some TV stations are illustrating this issue with a quarter, I have no idea....

The "Vote Yes" home page features a photo of a classroom full of students - with an open umbrella in the middle of it. Are Muscogee County schools in THAT much need of repair?

The "Vote Yes" web site argues: "We are on the cusp of creating a world class school system, but we have to be willing to put our cents where our hearts are." A world-class system?! What does the school board plan to do - merge Cusseta Road Elementary into Britt David?

(Let's face it, we ARE entering the season when people "put cents where their hearts are." Only they spell it SCENTS, and they're buying perfume and cologne as gifts.)

The "Vote Yes" web site purports to include a detailed list of all the events which promoted the one-cent school sales tax. But the strange thing is that the list goes back to July -- and leaves out appearances on TV stations in the final few days. If the summer forums were that noteworthy, why was the vote postponed?

There's an FAQ's page at the "Vote Yes" web site, which encourages you to approve "a revenue stream for capital expenses." It's either that, or a stream of rain pouring through cracks in school roofs.

The Yes side of the sales tax question also is running new last-minute commercials, warning a No vote will mean "no air conditioning for cafeteria workers." Now wait a minute! Is this vote about the children? Or about people fixing lunch?

Then I moved on to the web site "No-2-SPLOST." Either the Citizens for Tax Accountability are really into text messaging -- or the name shows why Muscogee County schools need improving.

There's "BREAKING NEWS" (complete with that label) on the No-2-SPLOST web site - a statement tax opponent Jim Evans made to Columbus Council a few weeks ago. Based on this example, I have breaking news to share: the Chicago Cubs beat Atlanta in the first round of the baseball playoffs.

The point Jim Evans makes in his "BREAKING NEWS" item is that the Columbus sales tax could jump to eight cents, if a school sales tax is followed by a one-cent city sales tax next year. Which would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Eight is Enough...."

The No-2-SPLOST web site boasts that the Citizens for Tax Accountability "published television ads" which "can be seen through Election Day" on "WRCG and WRBL." OK, who wants to inform this group that WRCG is a radio station?

A page on "The Issues" at No-2-SPLOST dares to state: "Remember Enron? There's not much difference here." Yes, I do remember Enron - but I'm waiting to learn how much sales tax money school board members took for ski chalets and mansions in Colorado.

The No-2-SPLOST web site also offers "a Senator's letter" to the Ledger-Enquirer against the school sales tax proposal. The Senator is Ted Land, who hasn't been in that office for years. Has Seth Harp been on a round-the-world vacation, missing this vote?

The "Solutions" page of No-2-SPLOST contains this curious final note: "Five years and 149 million dollars later, we still have schools that have brown water. Five years and 149 Million dollars later, there are 16 schools that we couldn't." And there the final note suddenly ends. Maybe they couldn't determine the water color at those 16 schools.

Looking for a break from the school sales tax tension, here's what we found around the area Sunday:

+ Filming began at Westville on a new horror movie called "2001 Maniacs." Won't this ruin the village's image? It's not called "1850 Maniacs."

(You can watch a day of movie production at Westville -- at a cost of only ten dollars. Aw, c'mon! It'll cost about that much to see the finished product at theatres.)

+ The Muscogee County Humane Society held a "Strut with a Mutt" fundraiser, with people walking dogs around Lakebottom Park. Regular walkers and joggers at this park are advised to be VERY careful where they step for the next couple of days.

+ Instant Message to the Columbus Parks Department: Why do you still have a "closed for maintenance" sign outside the football field at Britt David Park? That same sign was there a year ago - and from the evidence I saw, somebody played a football game there in the last week.

+ The Atlanta Falcons lost at home to Philadelphia. Starting offensive tackle Bob Whitfield was injured so badly, he had to be carted off the Georgia Dome turf. So was Whitfield driven to that hypnotist he consulted a few weeks ago -- to be told it really doesn't hurt?

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1 NOV 03: SAINTS AND SINNERS

Standing outside my laundromat Friday afternoon, two women came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy some candy. Talk about bad timing - selling candy on the brink of Halloween, when so many children will get it for free?!

"It's for school," one of the women explained about the candy sale. Isn't this interesting? So many schools are under pressure to stop selling "junk food" - yet the parents are encouraged to sell it outside the school, to make money.

So you may be wondering what sort of candy I offered to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. The answer - NOTHING. I left home around 5:15 p.m. Friday, and didn't get back until after 8:30. I did what so many people today want Christians like me to do -- run and hide.

My Halloween strategy for years has been to get out of the house and do other things. I don't celebrate the day for religious reasons - and yes, I avoid being a hypocrite by not eating devil's food cake, too.

(Which leads me to ask: if we're in the heart of the "Bible Belt" around here, why do Columbus and Phenix City Central High Schools have teams nicknamed "Devils" - yet no team is called Saints or Angels?)

The church I attend preaches against Halloween, explaining it serves only to promote the "dark side" of Satan instead of the things of God. We don't even have one of those "fall festivals" which so many local churches have. We had that a couple of weeks, in the form of church conventions - and the only "costume" men needed to wear was a suit and tie.

So when darkness descended on Columbus Friday evening, I was strolling in a park on the north side of town - far from home, and any pesky children begging for candy. If youngsters need handouts, the December toy giveaways by churches are only month away.

After the walk in the park, I had a discount coupon for dinner at Ryan's on Manchester Expressway. It's been several years since I ate there, and the restaurant has gone through quite a renovation. They HAD to make the aisles wider, of course - for all the overweight people eating there.

Ryan's used to call itself a "steak house" - but now the steaks are part of a "Mega Bar." Places like this draw such big crowds in Columbus that I think I know where the Georgia Lottery got the name for "Mega Millions."

Even though it was Halloween, Ryan's was filled with people - and from what I saw, no one dressed up in a costume. No one even pretended to be one of the high school softball players visiting town....

The Ryan's Mega Bar allows you to get as balanced a meal as you'd like - or as unbalanced. The dessert tables have so many good choices that your children might not sleep for a week.

One unmarked item near the meat area of Ryan's led me to ask a man what it was. "It's Bourbon Style Chicken," he explained - then assuring me after eating some, I COULD be able to drive home.

After dinner, I drove to Columbus State University. The plan was to relax and read in the Davidson Student Center - but the building was locked, and the lights were turned off at 8:10 p.m. For once I wanted to be a studious nerd, and C.S.U. wouldn't let me....

On the other hand, tonight it was finally time to head for Target and buy some candy. Yes, on November 1 - when smart people know they can get good chocolate at half-price. See you on December 26?!

One night after Halloween, today was "All Saints Day," Why the New Orleans Saints don't have a home football game every year on this date, I have no idea....

Now some other scattered weekend notes:

+ Auburn blew away Louisiana-Monroe on homecoming weekend, scoring 73 points! Nice try, guys - but some of us still remember how Southern California shut you out on opening night.

+ I stood in line at a Money Back store behind a man who told the attendant: "You think I'm going to take a $15,000 check to the bank? H**L NO!" He then walked out - but the attendant only laughed when I asked where that man was going with his $15,000 check.

+ About 100 Baptists held a rally in Montgomery to impeach U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson - the judge who ordered the Ten Commandments monument moved out of sight at the Alabama Judicial Building. The fact that Senators Shelby and Sessions haven't proposed this already should send them a message....

+ The sermon at the church I attend was titled: "Tolerance: The Twisted Virtue." Afterward our snack table had a container of Cinnamon Twist snacks - and people laughed when I said I felt a bit guilty about eating them. Am I the one who has the problem here?!

AHEAD THIS COMING WEEK: Complete coverage of the Muscogee County school tax question, including the
campaign option many have overlooked.... and the visitor who put down Columbus responds to my defense....

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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30 OCT 03: IT'S IN THE BOOK

Have you received your new Columbus telephone directory yet? And if you have, did you feel the urge to utter the famous movie words of Steve Martin - "The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!!"

The official BellSouth white pages and yellow pages landed on my porch the other day. There's a nice picture on the cover of the Space Science Center's observatory dome at night, with a streak in the sky flashing by. What a nice illustration of the late-night training exercises at Fort Benning.

BellSouth resisted the urge to put a gaudy advertisement on the cover of the new phone book. Instead, an ad for Groome Transportation was STUCK on the cover like a Post-It note. I assume those stickers are NOT on phone books delivered to the Columbus Airport....

What is the point of the phony "tabs" along the side of the front cover of the phone book? The number went up this year to seven, with a new one for "HOMELAND SECURITY" - yet there's no markings on the sides of pages to get you to ANY of those sections. If the terrorists attacked right now, I'd wind up around the letter "L" for liquor stores.

The Homeland Security section of the phone book really is under "H" in the Columbus Yellow Pages. It has two pages of very basic instructions - including a list of basic emergency supplies which includes "other special things your family may need." Go ahead and wrap that DVD player in duct tape now.

The Community Information Pages of the BellSouth phone book are very helpful. For instance, there's a calendar for the Muscogee County School District holidays - but wait a minute. Where are the lines listing future sales tax votes?

The Community Information Pages are noteworthy for what is NOT there, as well as what is. For instance, you might conclude:

+ Columbus has several libraries, while Phenix City has none. Maybe that explains all the Alabama license plates outside Books-a-Million.

+ Beacon College does not exist, while Columbus State University and Columbus Tech do. Maybe it's time for a neon sign....

+ People in Phenix City have no utility service at all. Those old Alabama stereotypes refuse to go away.

+ The South Georgia Waves baseball team isn't staying in town next year - while all the other sports teams are. Quick, somebody check that contract for Golden Park....

Is it only a coincidence, by the way, that the Columbus city maps in the BellSouth phone book do NOT show you the section of Victory Drive south of North Lumpkin Road? Isn't the phone company guilty of continuing the "South Columbus" image problem?

As for the main events in the phone book: the number of "White Pages" listings for Columbus-Phenix City dropped this year, from 346 pages to 340. The number of Yellow Pages is down by seven. This may be a sign that the local population is declining. Or then again, maybe it's a sign that some BellSouth sales executives are about to lose their jobs.

Now some scattered notes we made while going around town on Thursday:

+ The Georgia state high school softball tournament began at South Commons - and the east side of the complex was filled with cars and buses. But remember: be careful about dating softball players. Some of them can be VERY underhanded.

+ Attorneys for suspended Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore complained he's being denied a fair hearing, because the "Court of the Judiciary" won't move his hearing to a larger Montgomery location and allow TV cameras. Oh really?!?! When was the last time Moore allowed cameras in the Supreme Court chambers, or moved someone else's hearing outside?

+ Instant message to Spectrum stores: What is this new "cigarette loyalty program" you're promoting? Some of us can remember when this was called tobacco addiction.

COMING THIS WEEKEND: The reason why I probably won't be blogging on Friday....

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29 OCT 03: STRIP SEARCH

I did a Google search Tuesday for "Columbus, Georgia" and "blog." It was nice to see this blog at the top of the list -- because when it comes to the Internet, any old geek can become your competition overnight.

The Google search led me to something else, though - a rather strong rant by a man called "The Godfather," who recently spent several weeks in Columbus on business. When his impressions of the trip begin with the word "GAG," you know he's not too thrilled.

The Godfather of a blog called "Why I'm Right" found plenty of things wrong with Columbus. Since I found no copyright notice, I'll quote his September 30 entry directly:

Ah, the foibles of business travel. I just arrived into my two-star motel next to the sewage treatment plant in this "it was nice in the twenties" central Georgia town that sits across the river from equally excitement-lacking central Alabama. I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

OK, did I miss something here? With all the nice motels opening around Columbus Park Crossing, who sneakily put one by Oxbow Meadows without sending out a news release?

So Columbus "was nice in the twenties," huh? Don't look now, mister, but the 2020's are only about 17 years away.

(Hold that thought about our area "lacking excitement" - we'll come back to that.)

There for a while I was jet-setting to the west coast, NYC, Boston, Seattle, Miami.... not too shabby. Now all of the sudden I am in my third straight week in Columbus Georgia. Which, ahem, isn't the most cosmopolitan city in the world. Unless your idea of cosmopolitan is illiterate Alabamians and buzz cut soldiers blowing their government subsidies in one of the many 9th tier strip clubs in this town courtesy of Fort Benning.

How can this man say Columbus is NOT cosmopolitan? Apparently he missed the corner of Victory Drive and Fort Benning Road - with all those different national flags waving.

And how does The Godfather know the strip clubs are filled with illiterate Alabamians? Did he spend his free evenings counting license plates in parking lots?

I take it a "9^th tier strip club" is NOT a good thing - as in Dante's Inferno. Of course, some single Fort Benning soldiers might consider it a stairway to heaven....

They say Columbus is the strip club capital of North America, and I believe it. Basically as you drive around, this is what you see... strip club, liquor store, liquor store, liquor store, strip club, strip club, strip club, strip club, dead body...

IF Columbus has that many clubs, you'd think the city would have the excitement he says we lack. Apparently the dancers' routines are too stodgy and boring....

(And IF Columbus has that many strip clubs, why does my Pastor keep bringing up Miami's "South Beach" when he talks about sins?)

The Godfather is not the only person concerned about so many strip clubs in Columbus. I can't help noticing the radio ads for Clint's Furniture Gallery on Veterans Parkway - and how he never bothers to mention it's located right next door to the Cat Walk lounge.

From his description, you get the feeling our visitor spent most of his time on Victory Drive while in Columbus. He would have found a variety of businesses on other streets in town - and might have concluded this is the Chinese buffet capital instead.

(Yes, I DID notify The Godfather that I was going to comment on his blog today. If a war breaks out, we'll keep you posted -- but then again, North Korea still hasn't responded to my declaration of war from nine months ago.)

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28 OCT 03: I-WANNA-I-WANNA

The Columbus Chamber of Commerce held its annual "legislative luncheon" at the Trade Center today, with City Council and School Board members meeting with lawmakers. If these grown-ups can start on holiday wish lists this early, your children can as well.

The main city request for next year's Georgia legislative session was rather obvious - money to pay the bill to renovate the very Trade Center where they met. If that funding doesn't come soon, next year's legislative luncheon may be held under a tent in South Commons.

Another item the city wants Georgia lawmakers to approve is a vote on another one-cent Columbus city sales tax. Of course, this could be settled even before next year's legislative session begins. If voters turn down the school sales tax next Tuesday, why bother?

As for the Muscogee County Schools, they want the Georgia Legislature to slow down education reform and delay new rules for maximum class sizes. Remember, you can help keep school class sizes small - by serving your children less dessert, and making sure they exercise every day.

Muscogee County Superintendent John Phillips asked lawmakers to reduce the amount of mandatory paperwork that schools have to fill out. How many students heard that and said, "Tell US about it -- we want fewer tests."

In the evening, the South Columbus (or is that Columbus South?) Revitalization Task Force drew up a list of its own - priorities for improving the neighborhood. We noticed education was at the top of the list. Now comes the tough part - persuading Brookstone School to open a south campus.

The wish list for South Columbus improvements includes less crime, better transportation - and improving the neighborhood's image. Mayor Poydasheff's trying to help, by calling it "Columbus South." If that doesn't work, we suggest "that part of town just before Fort Benning."

(Imagine the things a NORTH Columbus Task Force might put on its improvement list. More day spas, an open field for playing polo, a second BMW dealership....)

COMING WEDNESDAY: More on the city's image, from the blog of a recent visitor....

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27 OCT 03: THE SUBWAY DOESN'T RUN HERE

If you thought Ladonia was a growth area, maybe you should think again. A weekend drive down U.S. 80 revealed the Subway shop near the volunteer fire station has disappeared! Well, this IS Russell County - so maybe not enough people want to lose weight like Jared.

The Subway shop in Ladonia has been replaced by a Chinese take-out restaurant. And a few miles down the street, a Blimpie on Crawford Road didn't stay open very long. Someday these Alabama sandwich shops will learn to offer barbecued pork on those honey wheat buns....

The little shopping center in Ladonia where Subway used to stand still has another familiar name - "4 Pizza Pirates." This name always puzzles me when I see it. If I only want one pizza, does this make me a scalawag or something?

Still looking for a dinner spot, I went to the new Ladonia McDonald's - the one that's combined with a B.P. convenience store. Buy the right items on both sides, and you actually could have a balanced meal.

The McDonald's in Ladonia has a feature I haven't seen at any other restaurant in the Columbus area - touch-screen ordering. But I admit I have NOT tried this approach yet. I'd rather deal with people I can see who can't hear me, than people I can't see who can't read.

Another surprise came when I put a straw wrapper for my drink in the McDonald's trash can. Trust me - a voice from the can actually said, "Thank you!" I hadn't even started to sip my soda, so it couldn't have been spiked.

If there's anything growing in Ladonia, it seems to be the number of large churches. One church along U.S. 80 had this sign outside: "Heaven's Gates! Hell's Flames! 58 saved, 27 rededicated." OK, so tell us the rest of the story - how many visitors are burning now.

Back to Columbus now, for some brief notes about various things:

+ I've been forgetting to mention the big page-one headline in Saturday's Ledger-Enquirer: "SOONER SELF-RULE ON TABLE." Maybe I missed something - but didn't Oklahoma become a state almost 100 years ago?

+ Thank you, CB&T, for your commercial showing the fancy handcrafted conference table in the board room with scenes from Columbus history. Now I KNOW you have enough money to approve my loan.

+ Instant message to WOKS Radio: How can you claim in a new TV ad that you're "the station that started it all" about 30 years ago? Did someone not get invited to WRCG's 75^th anniversary party?

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26 OCT 03: WHAT ABOUT BOB?

So what's Bobby Peters doing, nearly a year after leaving the Columbus Mayor's office? He put a small ad in the newspaper the other day, promoting his legal practice on First Avenue -- and if you've seen Mr. Peters, you know "small" is quite appropriate.

The newspaper ad invited us to check Bobby Peters's web site - and it's rather modest as well. But we already know what the most popular section of the web site will be. If only Mr. Peters would tell us if his two blonde daughters are married or not....

Bobby Peters's web site offers several kinds of legal help. But strangely, it does NOT mention his consulting work earlier this year for the city of Cusseta - in the dispute over whether or not that city's Mayor resigned. Apparently he only promotes the legal advice people actually accept.

The web site includes a lengthy endorsement/biography of Bobby Peters by his longtime Executive Assistant at the Government Center, Ed Wilson. Some of us would have been more impressed if Councilor Nathan Suber had written it.

My home isn't that far from Bobby Peters's "home office" on First Avenue -- and last time I checked, he was still taking good care of his classic 50's-era Ford Thunderbird. He had it on sale for awhile early in the year -- but apparently his legal practice IS getting clients now.

E-MAIL UPDATE: A check of the e-mail the other night brought a record one-day response to this blog -- TWO messages! I'm flattered, yet still awfully humbled....

Our first letter heads back to a new store which opened in Columbus a month ago [21 Sep]:

It was me at the front of the line at the Best Buy grand opening. And the chairs didn't fold. A few weeks earlier my girlfriend bought the chairs at Lowe's because they were on sale. She left them by the front door in the hopes that I would take them around to the back of the house. On the way out the door that morning I mentioned to my brother that we should throw them in the back of the truck. We got to Best Buy at about 9:15 and no one was in line, but it was a little wet outside, so we left and went by a friends house to get umbrella's. When we came back (9:40ish) there were about 7 people in line so we got the chairs out and started the wait. So you see it really wasn't an all night sorta thing.

More than the irrelevance of getting a skate board video, I was insulted that it was a VHS tape. Who still has one of those things??? I put my blue thingy on my golf bag in case I ever get lost in the woods looking for a ball and need to locate true north.

Great Blog!

Shy

Thanks for the clarification. Shy raises several good points here - for instance, the idea of always keeping some chairs in your trunk. For instance, you never know when the people selling Sunday papers on street corners will need relief help.

I'm glad Shy didn't have to wait all night to get a free gift bag at Best Buy. But now I'm wondering who did NOT get one back in September - and may have stolen Kaedy the Cow's calf to get even.

So a VHS tape is an "insult," Shy? I guess I'll have to cross you off the guest list for parties at my apartment - because you might bring something to warm in a microwave oven, and I still live without one.

E-mail #2 comes from a surprising location - southeast Texas:

I left Columbus about 6 years ago to move to Houston and whereas I read the Ledger online (almost) every day and my mom keeps me updated on the local news your blog helps to make me feel like I'm in touch. You're writing is intelligent, humorous, and inciteful - something that is sorely lacking in most blogs.

Thanks!

Jessica Antley

Thank YOU very much, Jessica - but uh-oh, I'm concerned about that spelling of "inciteful." I don't want this blog to spark any riots in the streets, really....

I can't help wondering about one major change Jessica had to make when she moved from Georgia to Texas. She had to learn to say "Houston" with a "you" - not a "how." How Georgia made it a "how," I simply don't kn-ow.

COMING THIS WEEK: A review of a new local book - and a short drive through Ladonia....

To comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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25 OCT 03: THE BAND DIDN'T PLAY ON

The "Parade of Heroes" for the military marched through downtown Phenix City and Columbus today - revealing the bias of the organizers. If they're really fair and balanced, they'll stage a "Parade of Peaceniks" for the S.O.A. Watch protesters next month.

The route of the Parade of Heroes passed within one block of my apartment, so I strolled over to Broadway to have a look. The turnout in the Historic District was small to moderate. If only Bludau's menu prices were the same way....

As I walked north on Broadway, who did I encounter but Archway Broadcasting newscaster Robbie Watson - with NO visible tape recorder or microphone! WRCG apparently did NOT broadcast the parade live. Instead, Edward Dubose probably used his NAACP hour for a parade of complaints against the school board.

Robbie Watson told me Archway Broadcasting still is going through a "shaking out" of staff, about a year after taking over several stations. If that's true, perhaps the more proper station nickname should be "Kissin' UP 99.3."

I picked a spot in the middle of Broadway across from Heritage Park to watch the parade go by. The pre-parade antics of children were fun to see, by themselves. One child had a long stick, and looked like he was trying to fish in the fountain. Several soldiers came along minutes later to balance it out - with weapons for hunting.

Several other children decided to play of "all fall down" on the grass in the middle of Broadway. They'd bump each other, then collapse on their backs. As I told one parent watching the scene, it was like pro wrestling used to be....

(Some Pentecostal people might have seen the children falling on their backs, and wondered where the preacher was standing.)

At last the parade began in our neighborhood - led by a truck from the Columbus Exchange Club. I couldn't resist asking the driver if she was selling foot-long hot dogs. (She wasn't.)

The Exchange Club had the lead position because of its "give a kid a flag to wave" promotion. People walked alongside the truck with little flags for youngsters. Too bad they didn't also have free cameras, for us adults who didn't think to buy one in advance.

Then came the soldiers, marching in units in military dress. I waved the little flag I brought and clapped along with the army chants - while everyone around me sat, stood and stared. They didn't cheer, whistle, applaud or ANYTHING. Maybe the Exchange Club should have handed out cups of coffee, to wake everybody up.

How strange! It was a "Parade of Honors," to salute the soldiers of Operation Iraqi Freedom - yet all the citizens around me reacted to the U.S. Army's presence as if the Iraqi Republican Guard had won.

A truck filled with flags followed the soldiers at 7^th and Broadway - and then, there was nothing. No marching bands. No floats. No little cars spinning in circles, like I saw on the evening news. It was as if the police radioed someone up the street, about our block not deserving a full parade.

(I didn't really walk home disappointed, though. I clapped and waved for the soldiers -- and they were the ones who mattered.)

Whose idea was it to stop the floats and marching bands around the RiverCenter? If the soldiers can march on the bricks of Broadway, everybody else can do it as well.

The parade's end-point was Golden Park, where soldiers received a free lunch. The original plan for the "Parade of Heroes" called for an evening concert and fireworks show at Golden Park as well - but that never happened. I didn't realize the soldiers already were having flashbacks about Baghdad.

COMING SUNDAY: The item we've promised about the former Mayor online.... and a look at your e-mail....

To comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

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23 OCT 03: OPENING AND CLOSING

It was a joy to jog downtown on the Riverwalk this afternoon. The detour around the Trade Center is gone, after more than a year! I won't have to take a deep breath and count to 40 anymore - as in the 40 stairs you climb to reach the Space Science Center.

The Trade Center renovation has adjusted the Riverwalk, so you actually go UNDER the building for about 100 yards. That little area will need extra security, on school prom nights....

People heading north on the Riverwalk will know they're approaching the Trade Center, because a big sign is now on the side of the building, right over their heads. This could start a curious trend - such as a giant inflatable rattlesnake above the Civic Center stairs, when the Cottonmouths have home games.

The new landscaping around the Trade Center includes dozens of large boulders, along the Riverwalk and around entrances. What do you know -- all that flooding in the spring may have saved the contractors money.

(There's also a giant circle covered with rocks on the Riverwalk, where a nice fountain used to sit. That's one way to stop low-income families from using it as a swimming pool.)

The newly-opened section of the Riverwalk still seems to be a work in progress. For instance, a huge street lamp and pole are sitting on the ground around Ninth Street. If the city's not careful, some college football team's offensive line is going to take it home with them as a souvenir.

Not far from that project, a different sort of structure is going up on First Avenue. It's a tall structure surrounded by concrete blocks, next to the Government Center. Before rumors start - no, it's NOT a holding pen for opponents of the school sales tax.

Having driven by this project in recent weeks, I can tell you the concrete blocks are surrounding a new cooling system, on the west side of the Government Center. The turbines admittedly would NOT have looked right for this neighborhood - but shouldn't the blocks be a bit smaller, and made of brick?

The concrete blocks around the Government Center's new cooling system apparently are a sign of the security-conscious times. Hopefully terrorists won't try to outsmart the Columbus city government - and form their own team of muscle-builders, which breaks blocks with their bare hands.

BLOG UPDATE: Muscogee County school officials are taking pains to DENY the rumors about Wal-Mart trying to buy land on Macon Road for a SuperCenter. Superintendent John Phillips may have had the last laugh today - when federal agents raided Wal-Mart stores in dozens of states, and arrested accused illegal immigrants.

The feds even raided a Wal-Mart store in Valley, and arrested a suspected illegal immigrant. Doesn't that man realize he's holding a job hundreds of mill workers need?

(C'mon now - didn't you wonder a little about the broken English of "Mario" in that Wal-Mart TV ad? The man who asks customers, "Can I help YOU? What I can do for YOU??")

But back to the schools: have you seen the new "Vote Yes for Kids" TV commercial? It claims the debate on a Muscogee County school sales tax is OVER. If it is, someone forgot to tell the school board -- because it spent Thursday night trying to figure out a list of projects for that money.

Fourth Street Baptist Church Pastor J.H. "Frosted" Flakes wrote a letter to today's Ledger-Enquirer - saying he supports the school sales tax, but "with concerns." OK, how much money would he like for his church's day care program?

BIG PREDICTION: Isn't it only a matter of time before some religious group complains about the new commercials for Subway? After all, W.W.J.D. does NOT stand for "What Would Jared Do...."

Interested in a new CD of Christian music? Watch this space THURSDAY for a link to details on my debut album. And read on for some humorous thoughts on the area I call home!

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet months ago, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.Com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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22 OCT 03: SUPER-SIZED DEBATE

The answer came today to my question about the lack of Wal-Mart SuperCenters in Columbus. [20 Oct] It turns out Wal-Mart wants to open TWO of them in town - with one possibly at Columbus Park Crossing. The managers of the new Sears store there must feel like contestants on "Joe Millionaire."

The rumors about Wal-Mart desiring a SuperCenter on Macon Road came to the surface, with word the chain wants both "north and south" stores - or none at all. Trouble is, the Muscogee County School District bought the land Wal-Mart wanted. If the District has enough money to outbid Wal-Mart, why do we need to approve a school sales tax next month?

Muscogee County Superintendent John Phillips said a Wal-Mart SuperCenter would not be a proper business to have next to the new main library on Macon Road. Huh?!?! Why not?

+ Customers would have a place to go while getting their tires repaired -- to learn how to fix the cars themselves.

+ People can browse through the library's magazines - then go to Wal-Mart and actually BUY them.

+ Place security guards at the library door, and tell Wal-Mart customers they can't bring their big bags of popcorn inside.

As it stands now, the new main library will be a short walk down Macon Road from a Big Kmart. So what harm could a Wal-Mart SuperCenter do on the other side? I thought the school district WANTED people to visit this library.

The land in the middle of this dispute is the old Sears building on Macon Road. The school district bought it several months ago to have a new headquarters office next to the new library -- and now it doesn't want Wal-Mart to have it for a SuperCenter. When was the last time Opelika and Phenix City were THIS far ahead of a trend?

I've wondered for awhile whether Wal-Mart might put a SuperCenter along I-185 in Harris County, since that's such a growing area. But that's not on the short list for possible "North Columbus" locations -- perhaps because Harris County Commissioners would demand Wal-Mart sell Callaway Gardens preserves.

One rather surprising location on Wal-Mart's SuperCenter shopping list is Blackmon Road, near the J.R. Allen Parkway. Wouldn't the wealthy people in that area oppose this? They wouldn't dare want people to know they shop at such a "working-class" store.

Back at the library, WRBL reported tonight the new building is being built with 900 tons of steel. Apparently some of that already has been installed in Superintendent John Phillips - because he's acting awfully stiff-necked these days.

Interested in a new CD of Christian music? Watch this space for a link to details on my debut album. And read on for some humorous thoughts on the area I call home!

BURKARD'S BLOG

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21 OCT 03: BIG YELLOW TAXI

I rented a car for the vacation trip to Panama City Beach - but how would I get to the rental car office? Enterprise seems to be the only company that "picks you up" to rent a car - which is good, given how wildly one Enterprise employee drove me home three years ago.

Payless Car Rental was the official car company of my vacation. To get to the office on River Road, I decided to use Yellow Cab. I had a discount coupon, the office was a short walk from my home - and several of the cabs actually are yellow, instead of burnt orange.

It's doubtful many people walk into the Yellow Cab office at 8^th and Veterans Parkway and ask for a ride. The office is modest, with a window at the end of a hallway - and you may be surprised to learn the walls were NOT covered with posters of supermodels.

The woman behind the window invited me to come around into the dispatcher's office, while I waited for a cab. She was at the two-way radio while a man stood nearby -- and the two traded insults back and forth in loud voices. It all looked so familar: he acted like Danny DeVito, and she mixed the voice of Rhea Perlman with the big hair of a Marilu Henner.

The man walked into a restroom, yet the loud office discussion continued. I noted this interesting TRUE exchange between the female dispatcher and the male co-worker:

"You're full of cr*p!"

"Not anymore...."

You might imagine how thankful I was for the Yellow Cab to arrive at last. But I quickly was surprised to learn this company does NOT accept credit cards, the way some other taxi companies do. "Columbus is not yet in the 21^st century," the driver explained. Tell me about it - no radio station in town is broadcasting the World Series.

The Yellow Cab driver explained to me taxi companies have decided accepting credit cards is not "cost-effective in revenues." I almost wanted to ask the driver which college economics department laid him off.

The Yellow Cab driver was so focused on me and the ride that he forgot to turn on his meter for several blocks. So a ride that cost me six dollars after vacation cost only $4.50 at the start. The bottom line: if you want to save money on taxi fare, start talking with the driver as soon as you can.

BIG PREDICTION: IF the Muscogee County school sales tax vote fails in two weeks, Superintendent John Phillips will be out of a job within a year. Either the school board will grow tired of him -- or the board will tire of all the protest groups holding news conferences before meetings.

COMING SOON: Reason to rejoice along the Chattahoochee.... a former Mayor goes online.... and a new concrete wall in the middle of downtown....

To comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

Interested in a new CD of Christian music? Watch this space for a link to details on my debut album. And read on for some humorous thoughts on the area I call home!

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet months ago, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.Com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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20 OCT 03: SAFE AT HOME

We're safely back from a ten-day getaway to Panama City Beach, Florida - and we noticed right away one major change in town. A Southtrust Bank sign on Victory Drive today had this message below it: "Try our Five-Star laundry service!" I guess money laundering isn't against the law anymore.

There was one close call Sunday afternoon, on the way back from Florida. As we drove on Dothan, Alabama's famous Traffic Circle, a slow-moving car suddenly crossed the road in front of us - and we ducked across the median to avoid a crash! Thankfully there was no harm or damage. But learn a lesson from this: for older drivers, a "Sunday drive" can be at ten miles per hour.

Speaking of Dothan, who can explain this one? That city has TWO Wal-Mart "SuperCenters" - while the city limits of Columbus have NONE. Are Lewis-Jones stores somehow scaring Wal-Mart away?

We were able to watch Dothan TV news in our Panama City Beach motel - and heard there about the conviction of Michael Carruth for the killing of young Brett Bowyer in Russell County. He undoubtedly deserves the death penalty the jury's recommending. If you have more than 18 months to prepare for trial and you don't present a single defense witness, that also might be reason enough.

The Dothan TV news also had that strange story about the Lee County, Alabama jail inmate - who used a jailhouse phone to call in a bomb threat! Maybe Carrot Top needs to do more shows behind bars, and help prisoners make collect calls.

We took U.S. 431 from Columbus to Panama City - but on the way, we again noticed something strange. Instant Message to Pastor Wayne Babb: Why hasn't your big Phenix City church had a sign outside it in weeks? Don't you "Love Life" anymore, as your church name says?

COMING TUESDAY: More on our journey TO Florida - especially the cab ride which got things started....

>>THIS JUST IN! VACATION UPDATE! <<
The new CD, "One God Many Moods" is SELLING! Watch this space in the next few days, for an online link to order yours!

BURKARD'S BLOG

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7 OCT 03: PIZZA YOUR MIND

"IT'S GUYS' NIGHT OUT," screamed the TV commercial for Coors above me as I ate dinner Monday night. I saw the beer bottles and the partying men -- and wondered what in the world I was doing at a pizza buffet, drinking Diet Coke.

I had a coupon to eat dinner at Stevie B's Pizza near Airport Thruway for $2.99. It's a great value if you don't mind a crowd of people, children running around once in awhile -- and pizza slices with less meat than some Double Cheese Krystals.

Stevie B's Pizza has a wide range of pizza choices. Monday night's buffet included potato pizza, a "taco salad" pizza loaded with shredded lettuce and a dessert pizza which appeared to be raspberry-flavored. So why were my only options for watching television GPTV and ESPN?

(Which leads me to ask an unrelated question: What's the point of ESPN's "NFL Monday Countdown?" They spend 90 minutes hyping, promoting and previewing a game which isn't even on their network. I don't see WRBL doing that about "Coffee Break" on NBC-38.)

There must be a spirited rivalry between Stevie B's and Cici's for the discount pizza business. Have you noticed the commercials for Cici's "customer appreciation days" -- and how that sale has lasted more than a year?

Cici's Pizza has gained one unusual edge over Stevie B's - at school. The Friday lunch menu at Our Lady of Lourdes specifically names Cici's several times this month. Some of us can remember when this battle would have been between Gorton's and Mrs. Paul's.

Now some other points to ponder, as a vacation on the Florida coast approaches:

+ Why is there a sign on 14^th Street in Phenix City offering a pound of "fresh cashews" - outside Discount Auto Parts? [True!] Are you supposed to use cashew shells, if the lugnuts fall off your tires?

+ Why are no civil rights groups challenging the license renewal of WDAK-AM so far? Do these groups secretly WANT Rush Limbaugh to keep putting his foot in his mouth?

+ Did I hear it right about Smiths Station Primary School - that parents have to donate soap for the restrooms? It's a wonder they don't cut budgets further, and send all the children home for a one-hour lunch break.

+ Why is Pacelli High School's football team playing two home games at Fort Benning's Doughboy Stadium? Isn't this inviting Father Roy Bourgeois to stage a sit-down protest?

(And while we're thinking about it: Why doesn't Fort Benning make some extra money, and sell the name of Doughboy Stadium to Pillsbury?)

BREAKING NEWS! We pick up the first big batch of our music albums Wednesday. We'll be offering them on sale online before long, so watch this blog for details. But before you ask - no, the Burkard bobblehead dolls are still a long way off.

BLOGGER'S NOTE: Because of a fall vacation, this may be our last posting for a couple of weeks. We hope to resume regular blogging when we return, around October 20....

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet months ago, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.Com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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5 OCT 03: A NO-TIRE STOP?

The woman on the phone was irate, to say the least. "I want to know why my son was cut out from the front of the line to see Kevin Harvick...." Given what's happened in recent days, maybe I should have directed her to the Los Angeles Times - since Arnold Schwarzenegger MUST be to blame somehow or other.

This woman and her son were among many people who went to Bill Heard Chevrolet the other day, when NASCAR driver Kevin Harvick made a guest appearance. Since I wasn't there, I had no idea why her son was "cut out of the line." I also wasn't sure why this was an
important news story. I don't run to the news media when it happens on a four-lane road.

The woman complained her son in a wheelchair was told to move aside, while "they started the autographs with a girl behind him." Well, this WAS a NASCAR driver - and from what we've learned this season about Jeff Gordon, maybe Kevin Harvick was holding (ahem)
tryouts....

Kevin Harvick's trip to Columbus was arranged through one of his team sponsors, Realtree. The angry mom on the phone said Realtree assured her that her son in a wheelchair could get Kevin Harvick's autograph first. Maybe the girl behind him had a faster qualifying time.

So what could have caused this mother and her wheelchair-bound son to be bumped from the front of the line to see Kevin Harvick? All I could do is make some guesses....

+ Did your son show up at Bill Heard Chevrolet wearing a Ford T-shirt?

+ Was he in a motorized wheelchair, and challenging Harvick to a race in the parking lot?

+ Was he spouting off words of praise for Ricky Rudd? Or maybe Jimmy Spencer?

+ Was the mother as angry-sounding at the dealership, as she was with me on the phone?

The woman told me she had Realtree's phone number, and was going to call the company to settle this. So out of curiosity, I called the mother back this afternoon to see how things turned out. The woman's story was markedly different - as she now says she never called
Realtree at all, and her son DID meet Kevin Harvick in the first place. The lesson here should be clear: when a news source has a hot tip, call them back after they've slept a few hours.

The woman told me this afternoon her son had a "wonderful" meeting with Kevin Harvick - but the family was disappointed when TV news reports showed others in the line, and not her son. I have no idea why that happened. Maybe they're saving the tape of people in
wheelchairs for upcoming telethons.

Now for some other weekend notes we collected traveling around the area:

+ A sign on Warm Springs Road indicated a cardiology clinic wants to occupy the building once used by Calvary Assembly of God. Couldn't faith healers in that church do an even better job?

+ The Festival at South Commons ended, with attendance reportedly up from last year. Imagine how well this event could do if they named it the NATIONAL Festival at South Commons -- like those "National Fairs."

(Apparently businesses near South Commons don't read our blog, because their signs offered "fair parking." But then again, maybe I misunderstood this - and the B.T. Washington housing complex is considered UN-fair parking.)

+ Instant message to Davis Broadcasting: How come Anna-Marie Gregory has replaced Amy Giuliano, in your TV ads promoting WRBL news updates? Don't you believe in racial diversity?

+ Auburn beat Tennessee in college football, after nearly blowing a big lead. But the BIG news is that Rod Bramlett officially took the Auburn broadcasting mantle from the late Jim Fyffe, with this last-minute call: "Did Auburn intercept it? Yes-EHHH!!-ess!" The way Bramlett's voice broke, he could yodel for Yahoo.

+ The Day of Atonement begins at sunset -- or as Jews call it, "Yom Kippur." Please do not be confused by this day. It's a 24-hour period of fasting - so it's not YUM Kippur.

BURKARD'S BLOG

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4 OCT 03: CROSSING THE LINE

It's bad enough to go jogging on the sidewalk, and see cars parked in your path. It's even more surprising when the cars on the sidewalk have state trooper license plates. Don't these troopers realize the Columbus Police might have a ticket quota to meet?

But that wasn't the strangest thing about the patrol cars I saw outside the downtown Wyndham Hotel Friday afternoon. The state trooper cars had ALABAMA tags -- and they were parked on Front Avenue in Columbus! If they chased a criminal across the state line to the Wyndham, at least the bad guy had some good taste.

Yet I couldn't help wondering - what if there WAS no high-speed line-crossing chase? There happened to be at least one Tennessee football team bus parked behind the Alabama state police cars. Are troopers providing escorts to Auburn games -- even after the state budget cuts? If so, check your football schedule for "speed-limit-free Fridays."

How would the Alabama Department of Public Safety justify giving escorts to visiting football teams? Perhaps only if the troopers get a piece of the ticket receipts....

I noted the license plate numbers of the Alabama state trooper cars, if you doubt my accuracy. A marked car had the last three digits 0-1-4. An unmarked car had the last three digits 0-1-5. Perhaps the unmarked cars had the plain-clothes detectives, assigned to spy on Tennessee's game plan.

You may not have realized several visiting football teams stay in Columbus hotels, when they have games at Auburn. I suppose that's because all the motel rooms in Opelika and Auburn are booked. Or then again, maybe the visitors realize they have seclusion in Columbus - since the TV stations are so busy on Fridays with high school games.

The Tennessee football team happened to show up in Columbus on the grand opening weekend of the new Wyndham Hotel. A rock band was playing in a rear parking lot as I walked by. That's a sure way to shake up the Volunteers before a game - play loud music to keep them awake all night.

A few hot-air balloons were also downtown, to mark the Wyndham's grand opening. One sailed above the Historic District with the logo for the Cannon Brew Pub - which had to be dangerous, in case some drunk tried to fire the cannon.

COMING SUNDAY: The story we've promised you about the NASCAR driver and an angry Mom....

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet months ago, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.Com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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2 OCT 03: BACKWARD AND FORWARD

Before we get to our topic, an apology for not posting this blog sooner. The power supply on my computer burned up Wednesday, while I was in another room eating dinner. Maybe I should switch strategies next time -- and boil the P-C, while slow-cooking the hot dogs.

The Ledger-Enquirer reported the other day the Columbus Mayor is calling one part of town by a new name, to improve its image. Instead of "South Columbus," he's now referring to it as "Columbus South." We'd like to thank Mayor Poydasheff Bob for coming up with this great idea.

Wednesday's Ledger-Enquirer gave a shoulder-shrugging endorsement to the Mayor's phrase "Columbus South," saying in an editorial it couldn't hurt that area. I guess it's like some works of modern art. If you hang it upside-down, it might make a little more sense.

But there are deeper questions in the name change to "Columbus South." Isn't the Mayor sending a wrong message, about how to be a success? I've never seen anyone win a NASCAR race by driving around the track in the opposite direction.

The theory of improving an area's image by flipping its name around makes you wonder why no one thought of it before:

+ We might not have space for a new library, if people had been urged to shop at Mall Square Columbus.

+ The protesters might stay away from Fort Benning, if that controversial program became the "Americas of the School."

+ The man who announced his third run for Congress Wednesday ought to get "Glenn Dylan" signs ready. They're sure to attract the baby-boomer rocker votes.

+ Channel 66 might get more viewers with new call letters: SWSW-TV.

BLOG UPDATE: It appears "southern gospel" music has beaten out Spanish tunes, for control of WMLF-AM. The station has taken ESPN Radio off the air, with religious songs filling the gap. Perhaps it proves Jim Foster's God is more powerful than the Incan and Aztec ones.

SONG OF THE DAY: Someone undoubtedly has thought of this before - but "The Amazing Race" auditions around the area reminded me of an old hymn:

Amazing Race, how strange a way

To win a million bucks.

They're trying out up at King Ford,

Amidst the pickup trucks.

This race will take you around the world,

You'll work in teams of two.

But cameras point in every face --

See everything you do.

To comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

BURKARD'S BLOG

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1 OCT 03: TWO-FER TUESDAY

Only have time for a brief summary of two big Tuesday night Columbus parties. The first one was an open house at Dillingham Place downtown - where I think even the town drunk could have enjoyed free wine and beer, if he'd dressed nicely.

Dillingham Place on 9^th Street, between Broadway and Front Avenue, threw an open house to celebrate a couple of new businesses. One of them is the new office of the Convention and Visitors Bureau. So did I miss Peter Bowden and his staff -- or were they all out of town, looking for visitors to invite?

The other big new business at Dillingham Place is Quizno's Subs, which had plenty of samples for visitors to share. There was even a guy wearing a five-foot-tall inflatable mascot's head, shaped like a Quizno's cup. I've heard of Big Gulps, but this is ridiculous....

The curious thing about Quizno's Subs is its location in the Dillingham Place complex. It's on a basement level, which you couldn't see from the street if you tried. So asking where the restaurant is will be the biggest "Quiz-no" of all.

For those of us who jog downtown, there was one other nice development at the open house. The sidewalk on 9^th Street next to Dillingham Place seems to be open at long last, after months of detour signs. If you didn't know better, you'd think the managers wanted you to visit the Wyndham Hotel's gift shop instead.

The Dillingham Place open house had free food samples, a live band, a wine and beer table -- and a woman to the side painting several wine bottles on canvas. The bottles had different colors, from red to green. Considering there were only green wine bottles at the drink table, she left me wondering how many glasses she'd had.

I couldn't stay long at Dillingham Place, because a larger invitation-only bash was waiting at the Columbus Museum. I'm not really allowed to say too much about it - except that it was strange to see a couple pray over their food at one table, while people were playing casino games 20 feet away at another.

(Come to think of it, that scene of "pray and play" tables probably happens all the time - but I've never been to Biloxi.)

The Columbus Museum atrium was filled for a 50^th-anniversary party. Miriam's restaurant provided the food - but I became a bit concerned that the chefs' fiery presentation might force the fire marshal to come and actually count the crowd.

Several familiar faces could be spotted at the Museum party. I picked out Mark Levy from Bill Heard Cadillac right away - because he looks just as rumpled in person as he does in the TV commercials.

Another guest at the golden-anniversary party was a former familiar name in Columbus television. Penny Leigh presented the weather years ago - but Tuesday she showed up with a badge saying "Jay Auto Mall." Maybe now she predicts the highs and lows of car interest rates.

(By the way - how cutthroat do you think Georgia car dealers are? Do you think one of them called Atlanta Thrasher star Danny Heatley in the hospital Tuesday, to sell him a replacement for his wrecked Ferrari?)

COMING THURSDAY: The Mayor's great new image-building idea.... one that's too good to ignore....