Saturday, October 16, 2010

16 OCT 10: Control Freak?

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: You may find the following items humorous, serious, or a little of both - but we offer these thoughts from time to time, as we keep a seventh-day Sabbath. And today's topic admittedly may not be suitable for all ages.)

"If you haven't had sex in 50 years, you're f***ed up!" A Columbus business operator and blog reader said these exact words to me over the phone the other night. I hope this man doesn't have any Catholic priests on his speed-dial....

"And you can sign my name to that and put it in your blog!" the man continued. "And you can put those asterisks in there...." To borrow a Capitol Hill phrase, he certainly was in no mood to "revise and extend" his remarks. Well, check that - he DID extend his rant for a few more minutes.

Why was this man so upset -- complete with profanity and mocking religious epithets? Because he thinks I've been missing out, by remaining chaste all these years. Longtime blog readers (including him) know I'm over 50, and have never been (ahem) in bed with a woman. But some critics still would consider my body unclean - especially if they knew how many chocolate chip cookies I eat per month.

The caller insisted on pressing the issue. "Were you abused by your parents when you were younger?" No, not to my knowledge. My late father threatened to hit me with a belt a few times for disobedience, but he never did. My mother actually had the "firm hand" -- with spanking and a chair in the corner.

"Surely the women at Channel 9 wanted to get l**d with you," the caller persisted. No, they never did. I dated WTVM co-workers a couple of times - but one of them was for a hockey night in Atlanta, and things didn't warm up much beyond that.

(I've actually tried to stick to business in the Columbus workplace. For one thing, no one could accuse me of sexual harassment. For another thing, practically all my female co-workers were married or "spoken for." I think home wrecking is an occupation which should be left to construction crews.)

The caller remained sure something was wrong with me. "Even if you are queer.... [and no, I'm not homosexual] sex is natural! It's NATURAL!!" Well, I suppose that's true. So is talking - but some of us know the proper time and place to control our tongues.

This man is so concerned about my long-term chastity that he brought it up in phone calls two days in a row. And earlier this year, he actually offered to bring a woman to my home and settle the matter once and for all. An online friend put this situation well -- if I'm the one not having sex, why is HE so uptight about it?

These phone calls came before Oprah Winfrey presented an hour on the subject of sex this week. She surveyed her audience on the last time they (you know) did it - and the highest percentage was for the choice: "It's been a while." Some of our whiles simply are longer than others....

At its core, the caller was more upset with something beyond my sexual behavior - it's the fact that I have Biblical reasons for choosing to control my body. They're also the basis for the "True Love Waits" movement among teenagers and young adults. If the vast majority of women are uninterested in me, that DOES extend the wait a little bit.

To borrow a common phrase at Fort Benning, the price of "free love" isn't always free. Even this caller admitted to me he had "crabs" once. But I've never eaten at Joe's Crab Shack, so I can't speak to that....

I've actually heeded the warnings I heard in school about how dangerous sex can be. If I didn't notice much of a difference with STP in my gas tank, why should I bother with an STD?

"You're probably not going to have sex in heaven," the caller argued. Now that statement appears to be accurate. Matthew 22 of the Bible indicates spirit beings do not marry each other. And besides, several verses show Jesus is coming back to reign on Earth - in a rebuilding project that probably will make the transformation of Baker Village look cheap.

So who is the man who's taken me to task about my body choices? Well, he dared me to name him -- and he's not a college fraternity member pulling an initiation stunt. It's 59-year-old Stephen King, the fireworks show man. He supports explosive moments on both large and small-scales, doesn't he?

Part of me admittedly wants to be angry at Stephen King's highly personal line of questioning. In fact, that could be what he wants. King could want me to shut him up, by "getting down"....

But I'm saddened as much as I'm angry over this. The psychoanalyst side of me realizes Stephen King has been through a lot of turmoil in the last 12 months -- especially a serious beating in Richland, that remains unresolved in the courts. I'm probably not the only person who's been in the way of his tongue-lashings. But so far, his attorney has yet to send me any confidential e-mails.

Supporters of abortion rights claim it's a matter of choice. So why should supporters of "free sex" pour out peer pressure on people who choose to control their bodies? And why especially should middle-aged adults do that? I don't think it's an acceptable excuse to say you're making up for lost time in junior high school locker rooms.

Someone else has intervened in this matter, telling Stephen King to "stop harassing" me. So far, he's done that - but of course, today's post could change everything. My hope is that instead of cursing me, he'll look carefully at himself. The thing he can't stand could be the very thing he needs. That's as true with God and the Bible, as it is with a trip to the doctor.

SCHEDULED SUNDAY: A response to one of Brother Love's recent complaints....

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