4 JUL 08: THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH

No, today's title isn't talking holiday parties like "Thunder on the Hooch." We're not even talking about the old pay-per-view professional wrestling card. In Columbus right now, that title can refer to only one thing. It's the upcoming primary election -- and candidates delighting in bashing each other, verbally or otherwise.

The campaigning took no holiday Thursday, as the TV news presented a showdown between the candidates for Muscogee County Coroner. But it turned out to be quite surprising, because the Democrats said NO harsh words about each other at all. And thankfully, their hypodermic needles probably were checked at the door.

The 15 July primary matches incumbent Coroner Bill "Right-Handed" Thrower against former Deputy Coroner Ricky "Nine-and-a-Half" Weeks. Those nicknames are mine, to spice things up - because the candidates didn't use any against each other.

Bill Thrower points to his resume, with 17 years of medical experience. He served in the U.S. Army, then at Martin Army Hospital and West Central Georgia Regional Hospital. Give Thrower credit for one thing - he's dodged Columbus Regional for a long time.

Ricky Weeks says he served 17 years as a deputy coroner, and has a total of 35 years' work with public safety. He did NOT mention his current job, on the staff of the RiverCenter - where I suppose he intervenes if a performer "breaks a leg."

Much of Thursday's televised forum was based on viewer questions. Hey, what do you know -- I guess that made it a different kind of "coroner's inquest...."

But anyway: the only tricky question from the public involved Bill Thrower. Someone specifically asked if he had a mortician's license. Do you think some coroners have "vanity licenses" for this - asking maybe for "UDI4ME?"

Bill Thrower answered he's trained as an apprentice mortician - but was "grandfathered in" under a change in Georgia law. That seems acceptable to me. After all, Thrower looks old enough to be a grandfather.

An unanswered part of that question asked about Thrower's time at McMullen Funeral Home. What's that about?! Was he against those clever billboards asking, "Is that your final answer"?

Ricky Weeks addressed his past a bit, by saying he thought about running for Muscogee County Coroner four years ago. He did NOT enter the race, citing the "death of a family member." And you thought coroners were immune from dealing with emotional moments like that.

If I had one question to ask the candidates, it would be simple. Why should I care who serves as Coroner, anyway? Is there really that much difference, in how people handle dead bodies? Well, except for Ray Brent Marsh in northwest Georgia a few years ago....

The candidates seemed to address that question, in an indirect way. Bill Thrower said his biggest challenge is dealing with the families of dead people. There truly are times when you have to avoid using gallows humor like, "He's like Rover - he's dead all over."

Ricky Weeks says his biggest challenge as a deputy coroner has been dealing with insurance companies. They want a proper death certificate, he explained - just in case the victim's family fails to call attorney Ken Nugent.

The 15 July Democratic primary will settle the Muscogee County Coroner's race, since no Republicans filed for the job. It's not that the G.O.P. isn't interested in dead bodies. It's more concerned about ending the "death tax" on them.

BLOG UPDATE: For our next bout, we return (sort of) to the District 15 State Senate race. Your blog obtained the Columbus Police report Thursday of the vandalism on Ethalyn Kirby's car. The report says nothing about any possible plot, involving supporters of Ed Harbison. The officer apparently wrote down "just the facts," not some political conspiracy theory.

The police report lists what happened last Monday as "entering an automobile." It says someone "smashed the window of the passenger side door" on Ethalyn Kirby's SUV. That's ONE window, not several - with the report saying nothing about scratches on the vehicle at all. Maybe Josh McKoon saw things the reporting officer didn't. Or maybe the one-percent sales tax vote should add a better police vision plan.

The police report adds someone "rummaged through the center console compartment" of the SUV. But then it states, "Nothing was taken from the vehicle" - and the officer filing the report saw NO need to follow up on the break-in. That's being left to others, of course. Like the reporters being fed this story, less than two weeks before an election....

E-MAIL UPDATE: But wait, there's more! Now to the Muscogee County Sheriff's race - as our introduction Thursday of the write-in candidate brought this reaction:

Hey Richard,

You may remember me from WTVM, my wife.... still works there. Anyway, great site- I found it when googling WWCG-LP and whiteprings TV. I, along with others posting at columbusdtv.org were wondering what it was. You had already done the research, so thanks. I will try to reference your site next time if I use it as a source.

I happen to live in the adjoining neighborhood to Mark LaJoye. The stories I hear from others who live near him about his attitude and temper are confirmed by his email response to you. I don't think he has any chance of winning as a write-in against Johnson, and let's hope he doesn't get too mad when he loses.

For now, don't use my name, but feel free to use any info I pass along.

I don't think the candidate was necessarily angry, in his e-mail to us this week. After, he has "Joy" in his last name....

Speaking of WWCG - it seems to have resolved the tree problem around its station. The old movies and cartoons are back, including what seems to be a festival of Bill Bixby films at 6:00 p.m. ET. They're disappointing me a bit, because Bixby never turns into The Incredible Hulk in any of them.

That "Columbus DTV" web site mentioned in the e-mail has details on local TV station upgrades to high-definition signals. It shows we're only 229 days away from "The Big Switch." And this is one time when the phrase has nothing to do with the election.

Now before we enjoy the holiday (as we hope you do), let's check other Thursday news of interest....

+ Columbus Police Chief Ricky Boren told the evening news the department has hired 197 officers in the last five years. But in that time, 190 officers have left. This leads to one very obvious conclusion -- elected officials in Columbus have a lot more job security.

+ WLTZ reported the Columbus Taxi Board decided this week against allowing higher fares. The board concluded most cab rides have a short distance, so higher gas prices are not an issue. Besides, many cab drivers already practice "hypermiling" - weaving between traffic lanes at high speeds, to avoid braking at all costs.

+ Managers of Lake Harding reported the pool was three feet below normal a few weeks ago - but now it's only one foot below normal. A man blamed this on water being held at West Point Lake - and we certainly don't want the Kia plant construction crew passing out from dehydration.

+ University of Georgia defensive lineman Michael Lemon was suspended, after being arrested for battery. Authorities say he punched a fellow student several times last weekend at a barbecue. So which one argued for beef, instead of pork?

(This makes seven Georgia football players arrested during the off-season. I know the Bulldogs are playing Alabama in September - but this is the wrong way to show you're superior.)

+ Instant Message to SOA Watch: Are you watching these reports from Colombia - about the hostages freed by the government, without any shots being fired? I'd think you'd be celebrating this. The rescue team was as non-violent as you are - so they must be ignoring big bad WHINSEC.

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $3.88 a gallon at Dolly Madison on Victory Drive.... FREE games, rides and fun from 1:00 p.m. on at Thunder on the Hooch.... and dozens of Columbus Police calls, about illegal shooting of firecrackers....

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