23 JUN 06: H.D. R.I.P.

It should work like a coffee-maker. When you press the on button first thing in the morning, the computer ought to start. But then again, I don't drink coffee - as the right amount of bitter pulp in a glass of orange juice can wake me up just as well.

Yet one morning last week, my home computer refused to start. Well, I mean the inside of it whirred when I pressed the on button - but Microsoft Windows wouldn't fire up. Since I'm not a computer expert, I didn't know how to start it the old-fashioned way. When it comes to MS-DOS, I don't even know uno.

My seven-year-old "eMachines" computer sometimes staged rebellions like this -- especially on Saturdays, when I think it was jealous of me and really wanted to sleep in....

In the past, the second or third try usually worked in getting Windows to activate. I simply pressed the on button a little longer, or turned my finger a different way. It works just like bowling, right?

But on this morning, Windows refused to appear despite repeated efforts. When I tried again in the afternoon, it still refused to work. After all the rumors of a city employee "sickout," the only protest came from the computer recording it all.

Not knowing what else to do, I unplugged the computer in late afternoon and took it to a shop. In fact, the top of the computer still had the bills attached from the LAST repair job in July 2005. Do these machines need a summer vacation or something?

Alas, my computer needed something more than that. Today marks one week since the computer shop informed me my hard drive had crashed. The disc, I was told, could not be recovered. In 2006, I'm still not sure if faith healers can save this sort of thing....

My old eMachines computer had hung in there since I bought it at Office Depot on Friday, April 30, 1999. The original mouse died. The first keyboard wore out. The electric cord needed changing a couple of times. It had so many modifications, I should have named it Michael Jackson.

But to be honest, the hard drive was getting a bit low on free space -- and when I dialed up the Internet over the last year, the computer froze when I disconnected one-third of the time. Every freeze meant about ten minutes delayed, for a computer restart and system check. So my problem wasn't "sloooow dial-up" - it was the slower hang-up.

I never knew my hard drive was about to die - and because I've been so busy with a variety of projects, I had not backed up my data. Unless the old hard drive can be salvaged by an expert, I stand to lose 11 months' worth of information and pictures. Why, I might forget what the former Amy Giuliano looked like.

But I could not mourn too long over my dead computer, because all those projects required me to get a replacement. For instance, I can't call you personally and read the daily blog entry - because hardly any of you have sent me a phone number, which I can turn around and sell to a telemarketer. No wait....

A quick online check at my workplace indicated Best Buy had the best price, for both desktop and laptop computers. I'd been thinking about getting a laptop, to let me update the Power Frisbee web site on the road. It sure beats going to a losing player's house, and writing up all his faults.

So I followed Kadie the cow and drove to Best Buy -- located strategically on a hill above Peachtree Mall, so drunken partiers from Cooper Creek Park can't climb it and cause an uproar.

But when I examined the shelves of computers at Best Buy, I stumbled upon something amazing. A weekend special offered me a new desktop computer, flat-screen monitor and color photo printer - for practically the price of the computer alone! And I didn't even have to prove I was buying it for my Dad, as a Father's Day gift.

"I feel like I'm stealing from you," I told the salesperson at Best Buy. The monitor was no big deal, but the printer was -- since my old Xerox printer had problems from day one. When you buy it off the showroom floor, then have to ship the entire thing back to the factory because it doesn't print at all, that's a clue....

(That's also why I turned down an offer from the computer shop to buy a refurbished machine for about $200. I feared it was like buying a used car -- and who knows if some hidden folder had child pornography lurking on it.)

The combination deal from Best Buy wound up costing a bit above $400. Add the $40 fine I paid the computer shop for trying to save my hard drive, and I think I spent less on this Friday trip than I had in April 1999. It was like that new commercial had come true -- and the "ink fairy" had saved the day.

But my amazement didn't end there. When I opened the boxes at home, I confirmed the new eMachines T3120 computer has a 100-gigabyte hard drive. The 1999 model had only four gigabytes -- but that was way back when "Napster" still referred to a toddler around midnight.

After installing my Internet access disc, another nice surprise came. Even though I still have dial-up, the computer's increased memory allows me to get around the Internet much faster. Back in 1999, the original eMachines strained to send simple text e-mails - which may explain I keep some of the jokes here so short.

Yet while the Internet is fun again for me, I must confess to a couple of disappointments with my new computer. I never noticed at Best Buy that the T3120 has no "A drive" for diskettes. I stored all my issues of the old "LaughLine" on little discs -- but in a way, today's computers are like their users. Larger is considered better, and small looks downright wimpy.

Then there's the eMachines "flat-screen monitor" which was essentially thrown into the Best Buy package. The front of it is flat, but the back of it is old-fashioned tubular. If a flat-screen TV were sold this way, I think a call to the Better Business Bureau might be in order....

But all in all, I'm quite happy with how my 2006 computer crisis turned out. I have a new computer which works faster, with a lot more storage space. And perhaps most importantly for someone like me, who's spent a lot of time in the last years at library computers which were somewhat faster on the Internet - I now can play Spider Solitaire in the comfort of my own home.

(P.S. The new computer passed its first key test Thursday night, when a thunderstorm knocked out power in my neighborhood for more than an hour. It came right back on when power was restored - and didn't seem to need any help from me to call up a screensaver again.)

Enough about me now - let's check the Thursday news around town:

+ The high temperature in Columbus again reached 100 degrees F. It was SO HOT that a standing-room-only crowd developed at Buck Ice.

+ Fort Benning's Third Brigade changed commanders, putting Colonel Wayne Grigsby. Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff told WRBL Grigsby was "not chosen because he looks pretty...." It looks like the attacks on Jim Wetherington may be about to start.

(Mayor Poydasheff also said of the change of Third Brigade commanders: "The Army is a continuum." How many Fort Benning soldiers will use that as a code word, for something a bit less attractive?)

+ Columbus Police hosted a party for the leaders of "neighborhood watch" groups. Or as some disgruntled officers are calling them under their breath: "The Columbus chapter of the Minuteman Project."

+ The federal jury in Don Siegelman's corruption trial reported it was deadlocked. I think the lottery-loving former Alabama Governor will accept that - since even getting three numbers out of six correct still makes you a little money.

+ The Women's Center of St. Francis held a combined program on two topics: car repair and menopause. Hmmmmm - I suppose they both have overdrive in common....

+ Instant Message to the basketball players who gather at LaFayette High School: Hopefully you've now learned something from the N.B.A. Finals. If someone commits a hard foul, you simply suspend them from the next game. And if someone gripes about it, fine them $250,000 -- assuming anyone in LaFayette has that much money.

COMING NEXT WEEK: The trucker vs. the little gal....

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