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19 AUG 04: PHENIX PHIRE

Cross the 13^th Street Bridge into Phenix City, and you're liable to notice it - a fire truck parked along the roadside, with a sign supporting a candidate for Mayor. I guess I saw this the other day, but I didn't think anything of it. For all I knew, the truck could have been promoting red-hot savings at Piggly Wiggly.

Several people apparently have seen this fire truck on 13^th Street, and concluded the Phenix City Fire Department is endorsing a candidate for Mayor next week. After all, I remember how active some members were a few years ago in
campaigning for a new Fire Chief....

But I'm hearing the fire truck parked along 13th Street is NOT an official Phenix City fire truck. It's an old truck a former firefighter bought, which he's using to show support for Mayoral candidate Jeff Hardin. And let's face it -- how else can you use an old fire truck, other than driving it in parades?

Meanwhile, Mayoral candidate J.W. Brannen has a new TV commercial on the air. He talks about how construction is about to start on the 14^th Street section of the Phenix City Riverwalk - or as I prefer to call it, the "River Phenix."

J.W. Brannen's commercial shows him at a different construction site, talking about how Fifth Avenue Extension will be one of his top priorities as Mayor. Please note he does NOT say the new hospital there will be a priority - and as stiffly as he stands in the ad, Brannen looks like he could use a back doctor.

It's interesting to compare what the candidates for Phenix City Mayor are saying. J.W. Brannen promises to work for a road to the new hospital. Jeff Hardin talks about bringing a movie theater to town. Which building do voters want more?
And which would they rather visit more often?

(Then again, why don't we combine these two? Put a theater in the new hospital - and it can show classic medical movies such as "MASH," "Patch Adams" and "Doc Hollywood.")

Have I missed it, or are famous Phenix City names not endorsing anyone in the Mayor's race? I haven't heard which man incumbent Sonny Coulter or former Mayor Peggy Martin prefers. And the 1999 Little League baseball champions might have enough clout to influence the outcome.

Now some other quick things from a slow Wednesday:

+ Columbus Metropolitan Airport announced it's receiving a federal grant to improve its security system. Before long, every passenger on an ASA flight will have his own bodyguard.

+ A SunTrust bank on Talbotton Road was robbed for the second time in 16 days. Is the Columbus Housing Authority SURE everyone's moved out of the Peabody Apartments?

(I have no idea who's robbing this bank branch - but if it's the same person, he obviously doesn't understand how the "Christmas Club" program works.)

+ Auburn University began its search for a new Athletic Director - by interviewing the head of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation! [True/A.P.] Shame on all you skeptics, who say big-time college sports are only about money....

(Is interim President Ed Richardson confused here? In places such as Auburn, "S.E.C." does NOT stand for Securities and Exchange Commission.)

COMING SOON: You can become a mayor, too.... and we have some "weighty" matters to discuss....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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18 AUG 04: THE BREAKFAST CLUB

Ruth Ann's restaurant was the last place where I planned to eat breakfast Tuesday. Most mornings, I eat breakfast at home -- a bowl of corn flakes, two slices of toast, orange juice and milk. No coffee for me, thank you. Orange juice that's sat awhile wakes me up easily.

But there I was downtown at Ruth Ann's, because of a challenge I received via e-mail from a blog reader:

Hi Richard,

Which bank in Columbus, GA was responsible for losing all the money in the dump?

Although the newspapers aren't reporting it, it must be all over town by now. Call the local diner…… "Madge" probably knows by now.

Since this is your back yard, it shouldn't be hard to find out.

Thanks,

Lisa McNear

TabloidColumn.com

A Radok Company

What Lisa doesn't realize is that here in Columbus, people are very good at keeping secrets. You may recall we didn't know for sure who shot Kenneth Walker for several weeks.

Since Lisa wanted an answer, I changed my morning routine Tuesday to find out. Ruth Ann's is one of the best-known breakfast spots in Columbus, and a few short blocks from several big-name banks. But then again, wouldn't a big-bucks banker be at a top-dollar coffee stand instead?

In reality, I was more likely to find an answer to the "dumpster dollars" question two blocks down 10^th Street from Ruth Ann's. The Government Center hosted the "One Columbus Community Prayer Breakfast" Tuesday. Of course, it doesn't look good to go around asking about "money blessings" at a prayer breakfast....

(The One Columbus prayer breakfast focused on education and our children - which is ironic, since you usually can't pray aloud for your children INSIDE buildings of public education.)

But anyway: it turns out I didn't have to go to a diner to learn which bank left $46,000 in a landfill. WRCG's Robbie Watson revealed the answer at 7:03 a.m. -- First Union Bank, which now has become part of Wachovia. Oh well, $46,000 doesn't even amount to one bank executive's golden parachute.

So armed with this knowledge, should I eat breakfast at Ruth Ann's anyway? Since Lisa suggested it, I decided to be a blogger of my word and go. After all, a Phenix City mayoral candidate might walk inside to do some last-minute campaigning.

Ruth Ann's was rather busy Tuesday morning, although not packed. But I had my doubts about whether Lisa would consider this place worthy -- since at one point, three different customers had cell phones at their ears making calls. In 2004, does that really make it a "diner?"

I ordered french toast for breakfast - and began my test of Lisa's theory. "I can't afford a lot," I told the attendant. "They didn't give me that money from the landfill."

"I hear you!" she replied. Then she went on her way, too busy to talk more. I'm not always the best at "buttering up" attendants such as this one -- especially since margarine always was on the table.

The attendant turned out to be too rushed to answer questions about banks and dumpsters - so I listened around the restaurant to other conversations. No one seemed to be talking about the "landfill loot." In fact, they didn't say much at all
- and I wound up singing along with Sunny 100 on the restaurant radio.

There's a TV monitor in a corner of the main room at Ruth Ann's -- but it was NOT on Tuesday morning. Are THAT many people waiting for NBC's prime-time Olympics coverage, to learn the results?

My last chance to test Lisa's theory came at the cash register, where a different woman handled my money. "I would have spent more," I said teasingly again, "but they didn't give me that money from the landfill."

"Oh. They found money there?" I don't know if her name was "Madge," but it could have been Alicia - as in Silverstone, as in "Clueless."

Sorry, Lisa - your theory about a local diner knowing which bank dumped $46,000 didn't quite work here. And to make matters worse, the french toast was a bit on the dry side....

But to be honest, I heard a hunch last Friday that Wachovia Bank had something to do with all that money at the landfill. But from my experience, I've learned better than to trust my hunches. They haven't led to any marriages yet, at least.

Now let's leave a tip, step outside and find other interesting items from Tuesday:

+ Phenix City Councilman John Storey denied that ethics complaint filed in Montgomery. It claims he sold $2,000 worth of signs to the city after taking office in 2001. Storey says the deal was signed BEFORE he took office - which may prove
even local politicians can stage pre-emptive strikes.

+ Speaking of strikes: Alabama Power revealed it has NOT sent work crews to the devastation of Hurricane Charley because an electrical workers' union contract expired Sunday night. So? Send crews down to Florida, anyway - and see if they're selfish enough to set up picket lines around damaged homes and grieving residents.

+ Columbus police warned of a fund-raising scam, tied to Hurricane Charley. Someone's apparently going door-to-door, claiming to be collecting relief money on behalf of Cascade Hills Baptist Church. If the solicitor is wearing a tie, he's
obviously not from Cascade Hills....

+ Phil Roberto resigned as General Manager of the Columbus Cottonmouths. Jerome Bouchard will become both Coach and General Manager -- so he can make enough money to replace the teeth he lost in fights.

+ Auburn University swimmer Kirsty Coventry won a second medal at the Athens Olympics. She's from the capital of Zimbabwe - where her friends and relatives probably cheered, "Hip hip Harare!"

+ Instant Message to the man I saw wearing a Muscogee County School District badge, buying a package of grapes and a bottle of Wild Irish Rose wine at a grocery store: What sort of scientific experiments are you teaching?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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17 AUG 04: SOOT SUIT

A second week of testimony began Monday in a pollution lawsuit against Continental Carbon. If this case is successful, all of South Columbus will be able to sing: "Soot, soot sooty, goodbye...."

A federal lawsuit accuses Continental Carbon of spreading "carbon black" all over South Columbus, from its Phenix City plant. If that's not what the black stuff is on my car, someone needs to investigate how Columbus road crews seal asphalt.

Mayor Bob Poydasheff testified at the Continental Carbon trial late last week. He's convinced that plant is to blame for changing the color of the Columbus Civic Center's roof. In bigger cities, something else does that to an arena - expensive corporate sponsorships.

The city of Columbus is joined in the lawsuit against Continental Carbon by Action Marine on Victory Drive. The business claims soot from the Phenix City plant gets all over its boats. Of course, after people buy the boats, some spilled beer might get that soot right out....

Monday's testimony in the Continental Carbon trial was a bit scientific. Defense lawyers argued an expert who took soot samples from the Civic Center roof didn't check the weather conditions at the time. Uh-oh - Trent Aric might have to be
called back from Miami.

The prosecution witness said samples from the Civic Center roof looked odd, but from the naked eye were NOT obviously carbon black. Of course, for most of us "carbon black" looks like a letter-sized sheet of paper.

Continental Carbon apparently is going to argue the soot scattered across South Columbus is NOT carbon black, but something else. So what else could it be? Are birds around the Chattahoochee River not getting proper nourishment, for their droppings?

I'm just guessing here, but is Continental Carbon going to claim the soot in South Columbus is coming from the truck stop on U.S. 431? Then again, maybe Phenix City simply has too many barbecue restaurants....

(By the way, did you notice this lawsuit against Continental Carbon was moved to Opelika? The wind would have to change direction a bit, for any of the evidence to land there.)

Now some scattered tidbits from Monday:

+ I walked into the Phillips station on Wynnton Road, and found a woman behind the counter wearing a Puerto Rico T-shirt. "You had to wear that shirt today," I told her - and she just laughed. You see, women ARE Olympic basketball fans.

+ Auburn University swimmer Kirsty Coventry won an Olympic silver medal for - whoa, wait a minute here. She swam for Zimbabwe?! And President Robert Mugabe allowed this?! Did Coventry flee from some guerilla-occupied farm?

+ Former Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell announced he's passed a polygraph test, as a grand jury indictment seems near. Campbell is a main attorney for Kenneth Walker's family - so it appears Muscogee County Sheriff's Deputies have one more item for their "to-do" list.

(Bill Campbell's hired his own attorney to defend him against possible corruption charges. So it's no wonder he wants Kenneth Walker's family to receive $100 million - his legal fees will go directly to somebody else.)

+ Instant Message to whoever is passing around a story of "serious ethics violations" by a Phenix City Council member: Didn't you learn anything from the Superior Court Judge race? We use blogs to spread rumors around here these days --
and I haven't seen this on any of them.

COMING WEDNESDAY: I've been challenged to visit a diner.... and you'll probably never guess why....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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for 16 AUG 04: FOXIE SPRING GAMES

Is there a little head-scratching going on at Davis Broadcasting right now? The latest radio station ratings are out, and "Foxie-105" seems to have lost one-third of its audience from a year ago. Where did everyone go? Did that many people
flee town, in fear of Muscogee County Sheriff's Deputies?

WFXE-FM still is the top-rated radio station in Columbus. But the Arbitron numbers show a steep decline - from 19.7 in Spring 2003 to 12.8 this past spring. If this trend continues, Foxie-105 really WILL be in a jam.

So where are all the Foxie-105 listeners going? A close look at the numbers suggests about half of them may have moved to another Davis Broadcasting station, as WEAM-FM's ratings more than doubled. That spring revival at the Phenix City
Amphitheater really worked....

As for the other half of the lost Foxie-105 listeners - well, I'm not sure where they are. The other "urban" or gospel stations didn't gain much from spring of last year, or actually went down. Maybe the National Action Network needs to
expand that missing person's search in Harris County.

The race for second place overall in Columbus radio turned out to be a tie, between "Q107" and "Sunny 100." So you can tell these stations apart: only one of them has a "Totally 00's" weekend.

As for other radio ratings: "Kissin' 99" bounced back from a fall tumble to finish back above country rival "Rooster 106." I guess we can guess which station played Brad Cotter's record more often.

In the talk-radio race, WDAK keeps gaining listeners - and now has more than double the rating of WRCG. There, you see? I'm not the only one in town listening to Columbus Catfish games -- it only seems like I am.

(At least WRCG's rating stabilized in the spring, after slipping for a year - but it's now is getting a reputation around town for being a "liberal" station. Considering it never broadcast Chuck McClure's funeral....

But another Clear Channel station took a big hit in the spring. WHAL "Hallelujah 1460" lost more than half its audience from the fall. The station added future school board member Joseph Roberson's program "Getting on Top of Life" - so why isn't it on top of WEAM?

Public radio stations didn't show up in the Arbitron ratings I saw, but I've had a revelation about one of them. I think I've finally figured out the Troy Public Radio call letters. WTJB stands for "Where Troy Jumps the Border."

One other local radio note: WSHE-AM finally is abandoning the "WPNXRadio.com" name for its web site. That's a good start - now where's the Spanish section, for the music they play on weekends?

Now let's move from ears to eyes - and see what caught ours over the weekend:

+ The Voice Link call center on Third Avenue took hundreds of calls from survivors of Hurricane Charley in Florida. It's good to see local people offering help like this - and I hope other call centers do it. The fewer telemarketing calls I take, the better.

+ WRBL's Jack Rodgers showed Olympic highlights, and declared Athens, Georgia "the REAL Athens." I guess that Greek city's first 3,200 years of existence didn't count for anything.

+ Instant Message to the Atlanta Hawks: After what I saw on TV Sunday, I have a suggestion. Sign Puerto Rican players. Sign LOTS of Puerto Rican players....

(I happened to stroll by Millie's Corner and Brito's Market right after Puerto Rico beat the U.S. men's basketball team. No, there was NO big celebration underway. In fact, they seemed to ignore the Olympics almost as much as the Greek
sports fans are doing it.)

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.65 a gallon at Dolly Madison on Victory Drive.... nice dress shirts for as low as $9.99 at Rich's..... Dryer #8 at the Oakland Park Shopping Center laundromat (a hot one, so you save quarters)....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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15 AUG 04: GOD, GUNS AND GRITS

So I'm standing with some men before church this weekend when someone else joins the group - and the next thing I know, three men decide to go outside the building. Even though I'm a journalist, I just couldn't bring myself to join the rush outside. I can watch boxing and wrestling matches during the Olympics.

"Something about guns," one remaining member of our group guessed - and he was probably right. Remember the man who brought a gun and 100 rounds of ammunition to the church picnic? [29 Jun] If he has them in the parking lot outside the church building now, before long we may be shooting at effigies of the devil after singing hymns.

That man who speculated about guns set a personal limit for this interest. "As long as they don't set up a target...." Especially as long as the target doesn't face the back of the parking lot - right next to Manchester Expressway.

I can't think of any other church I've ever seen where someone left a document about gun ownership on the announcement table. But it's happened in the congregation I attend - where members sometimes talk more about David killing lions and bears than Jesus being the "Prince of peace."

After the men came back inside the hall, it was time for our church service to begin. The "sermonette" speaker told us his topic was "our Southern heritage...." As a Kansas native, I prepared to remind everyone after the service that the North won 140 years ago.

But no, the speaker threw me a curve. The item of "Southern heritage" he really discussed was hospitality. For instance, we have a snack table set up before and after church - but I sort of wish one woman would quit needling me for "taking all night" on the bag of corn chips I brought.

(Really now - is "hospitality" really just a Southern thing? I have a "Hospitaliano!" pin, but I picked that up at an Olive Garden restaurant....)

On the way home from church, I viewed a classic confrontation near Columbus State University. A driver in front of me wanted to turn right into a package store. Another driver was at the entryway, trying to leave. After a tense moment, the exiting driver backed up practically to the door! What's even more amazing is that BOTH drove four-by-fours.

My route home from church took me down the two-mile section of Warm Springs and Talbotton Roads where widening is planned. Wow -- four lanes and a "grassy median?" Since this section has so many doctors' offices, can't they afford to pay
for this themselves?

The section proposed for widening also includes the Peabody Apartments - well, what's left of them. Bulldozing is underway, to change this complex into modern housing. So exactly when is the crew from "Extreme Makeover Home Edition" showing up?

Don't worry, there ARE other things to discuss this weekend:

+ Columbus city officials announced it was a bank which lost $46,000 at a landfill in the last couple of years. But they refused to name the bank, to avoid embarrassing it. Aw, c'mon! We name all the big money-wasters who lose elections....

+ The "Phenix City 50 years" celebration continued with a street dance, featuring TWO bands! For one night, downtown Phenix City almost was as exciting as half-a-block of Broadway.

+ South Commons hosted the Jordan Invitational softball tournament. So many high schools competed that they were divided into "gold pool, silver pool and bronze pool." Shouldn't the Olympics have something like this - with the bronze pool for those men from Equatorial Guinea who can't swim very well?

+ Instant Message to NBC Sports: What's the deal here -- not showing the Fort Benning air rifle contestant during prime-time Olympic coverage? Are you showing anti-gun, left-wing liberal bias? Fox News Channel probably wouldn't do that....

COMING MONDAY: Where did all the listeners go?....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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13 AUG 04: TRIPPING OVER A CRACK

"Name's Maureen. I'm 15," says the poetry-minded writer from Auburn, "and I'm not very intresting." This statement only proves in the summer of 2004, anyone can have a blog - whether they really want you to read it or not.

I stumbled across a new blog while online a few weeks ago - kept by a teenager who calls herself "Alabama's Crack Whore." If someone in Phenix City had a blog with this title, Fort Benning would have banned it immediately.

"Mo" is the official online name of this young Auburn blog-keeper. But why in the world would she call herself "Alabama's Crack Whore?" Shouldn't this title be reserved for someone living on the west side of Birmingham?

From what I've read of her blog, 15-year-old Mo does NOT seem to use crack, nor does she come across to me as a whore. Of course, she's been writing about "summer stuff" in recent weeks - and she never said exactly what that stuff
was....

"Alabama's Crack Whore" seems interested in all the things you'd expect a 15-year-old to like. There are vacation pictures, animal photos, entries about shopping trips - so where are the statements expressing unconditional love for Nick
Carter?

But Thursday's entry by Mo was a bit somber - because Thursday was the first day of a new school year in Auburn. She puts it quite well: "I love my summer. But my summer left me." Those of us keeping air conditioners off and saving on our
electric bills aren't missing summer much at all.

Mo admits she only slept three-and-a-half hours before the first day of her sophomore year at Auburn High. But she probably wasn't the only sleepless one in east Alabama. Take the superintendents knowing the "No Child Left Behind" reports were coming out Thursday....

(By the way, how about those education reports? Hundreds of Alabama schools did not meet their goals on aptitude tests. If the high school football teams were that unsuccessful, the coaching staffs would have been changed.)

The thing about an online blog is that you can be as open and opinionated as you dare. Mo did that Thursday, declaring two students in her English class "obnoxious...." well, I'd better stop there. The parents of those students might make it a class-action slander suit.

"I'm going to try and be a good kid this year," Mo vows on her blog. We sincerely hope she does that. She can bury and hide all those past sins for awhile - then reveal them all at a dramatic news conference, like New Jersey's Governor did.

I don't want to settle for three-and-a-half hours of sleep myself, so let's wrap up other things from Thursday:

+ More gas stations around South Commons dropped their price below $1.70 a gallon, as Citgo went down again to $1.68. Maybe at $1.50, I'll dare to fill my tank there - but only on a sunny day around noon.

+ A public hearing at Hannan Academy brought out people against the widening of Talbotton/Warm Springs Road. Some doctors fear they'll have to close or move offices on this road. And the repair shop of "Mac the Mechanic" probably will go
under, because fewer drivers will have wrecks right in front of him.

+ WRBL investigated leaking roofs at the Mission Square Shopping Center. A manager explained the special Spanish-style tiles for the roofs have been unavailable for almost a year. I didn't realize southern California wildfires had damaged that many homes.

+ Instant Message to WDAK Radio: It's just as well you lost your signal around 11:00 p.m. Thursday night. People still listening to the Atlanta Falcons' loss needed some extra prompting to give up and go to bed.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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12 AUG 04: LOW AND AWAY

Hooray! A gas station in Columbus finally broke the $1.70 a gallon barrier. But it's a sign of how badly things have gone this year, when we're cheering $1.69.

The station I found which dropped a bit lower Wednesday night was Citgo at 5^th and Veterans Parkway. But you'll probably want to hurry - because dealers are likely to go back up, to take advantage of all those Panama City people fleeing Tropical Storm Bonnie.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't say hooray for this particular price drop. The Citgo at 5^th and Veterans Parkway is a very quirky place. For starters, it's across the street from the Booker T. Washington Apartments - so the "over-and-under" is 2.5 armed robberies per year.

True confession: I've stayed away from this Citgo for years on purpose. It goes back to a Thursday night in the late 1990s when a beggar came up to me in the parking lot, asking for something to eat. I offered him the 25-cent brownie I bought - but he insisted on telling a long, rambling story of money he couldn't touch since he came back from Vietnam.

(To make matters worse, several other men were sitting in the shade next to this Citgo - so if this guy didn't wear me down after 20 minutes, he might tag out for the next guy.)

But I digress: I'm not sure how the gas price can go down, when oil prices on the New York Mercantile Exchange keep hitting record highs. Some of us can remember when "$45 per barrel" meant the price of French wine.

Saudi Arabian officials announced Wednesday they could produce another 1.3 million barrels of oil per day. Oh really? And members of the U.S. military could head south from Iraq, to offer some "encouragement...."

Moving on to other automotive essentials: a strike by BF Goodrich workers in Opelika was postponed Wednesday night. You set a midnight deadline, then you put it off?! At a plant like this, this must truly grow TIRE-some.

I've never quite understood why tire makers at the BF Goodrich plant in Opelika are members of the United Steelworkers Union. Yes, many tires have steel belts - but why not the Rubber Workers Union? Certainly that can't be merely for (ahem) condom factories.

If BF Goodrich eventually has a strike, the impact might not be that noticeable. For one thing, other companies sell a lot more tires. And even more importantly for some of us, Goodrich doesn't provide any tires for NASCAR races.

Now some other notes from a calm, cool Wednesday:

+ Dylan Glenn told the Ledger-Enquirer after losing three races for Congress, "I have some growing up to do." Hmmmm - may we suggest some reserve duty in Iraq?

+ A temporary roof over several classrooms at Americus-Sumter County High School collapsed, after heavy rain. That'll teach the school board not to use workers from Habitat for Humanity.

+ Instant Message to the Columbus South Revitalization Task Force: Where is the outrage? Haven't you heard about the proposal to ship Chattahoochee County garbage to a landfill in Salem? Or do you expect the drivers to stop for gas and
dinner every day on Victory Drive?

SONG OF THE DAY: Since Tropical Storm Bonnie is NOT technically "over the ocean," we need to revise an old tune a little bit:

My Bonnie sits over the Gulf now.

My Bonnie makes plenty of rain.

If Bonnie comes over our county,

The flooding will be a big pain.

Stay out! Stay out!

Oh, keep that ol' Bonnie away from me!

Stay out! Stay out!

Head toward the Caribbean Sea!

COMING FRIDAY: Once and for all, how we found that "whore" in Auburn on the Internet....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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11 AUG 04: CATCH A FALLING STAR

Dylan Glenn's dream of serving in Congress was dashed again Tuesday night. He lost the Republican House runoff to Lynn Westmoreland - and to make matters worse, it's three days too late for Glenn to announce he's running for U.S. Senator in Illinois.

Given the "attack ads" we saw on TV in recent days, journalists should head for Dylan Glenn and Lynn Westmoreland's homes today. Will Westmoreland be riding around Coweta County in a fancy limousine? Will moving vans show up in Fortson, as Glenn "skips town" again?

Dylan Glenn didn't wait long after the polls closed to give up the runoff. He presented his concession speech around 9:00 p.m. - early enough so all his supporters could get home to watch the end of Atlanta's baseball game.

Dylan Glenn told reporters he was "very disappointed" in the way Lynn Westmoreland campaigned in the runoff. Now hold on here - Glenn had the first attack ad on Columbus television [2 Aug]. So I guess Westmoreland's crime was not turning the other cheek.

This loss has to be a bitter pill for Dylan Glenn. Everyone from Newt Gingrich to J.C. Watts came to our area to endorse him for Congress. But it was noteworthy that on the day of the runoff, President Bush didn't turn north at Panama City to help him out.

What does this runoff say about Republican voters in Georgia House District 8? Dylan Glenn was endorsed by all those big national names, yet Lynn Westmoreland won the nomination. Maybe Mike Crotts was right, about this area being "not ready" for Glenn -- you know, someone who's Catholic like John Kerry.

Check the county breakdown at the Georgia Secretary of State web site, and you'll find there was a clear north-south divide in the House race. Dylan Glenn led every county from LaGrange south. Lynn Westmoreland led practically every county north of there. And why Meriwether County isn't in District 8 is a mapmaker's mystery....

Come to think of it, the metro Atlanta counties didn't back Dylan Glenn - while Columbus, LaGrange and Macon did. And they say THIS area is filled with rednecks?!

(Bottom line of this race: Republicans in this area still prefer the Good Ol' Boy over the Poster Boy....)

Lynn Westmoreland apparently had one big backer in Columbus - Jerry Laquire of TV-16. I did NOT see "Final Edition" Monday night, but I'm told Laquire picked on Dylan Glenn from start to finish. And in true right-wing talk show host tradition, Laquire reportedly could not pronounce Glenn's first name.

Dylan Glenn may have lost some votes in Columbus, due to a dispute at one precinct. One caller complained workers at "Wynnbrook" refused to let Republicans cast ballots in the House race for hours. It was enough to make you feel like
hanging some chads....

So if what Lynn Westmoreland said at the Friday TV forum is true, Dylan Glenn remains unemployed today. If you see him in a few weeks driving a truck for The Waggoners down Victory Drive, tell him I said hello.

As for Tuesday's other runoff races: Georgia Democrats chose Denise Majette to run for U.S. Senate against Johnny Isakson. Now THIS will be a true north-south battle - since as you may know, Rep. Majette was born in Brooklyn, New York.

Denise Majette becomes the first African-American woman ever to win a U.S. Senate nomination in Georgia. Maybe that's why we don't hear Johnny Isakson call himself "Rock-the-Boat Johnny" anymore - because Rep. Majette actually has done it.

Denise Majette held on to her primary advantage, and defeated Democratic runoff opponent Cliff Oxford. Oxford's own speeches may have done him in. He talked in Columbus Monday about not taking a salary in his first year as a small
businessman - but he never promised not to take his first year's pay in Washington.

Former President Carter urged Cliff Oxford to run for Senate - but in the heat of primary season, son Chip Carter suddenly switched to Denise Majette's campaign. So the flip by Chip makes him look quite hip....

Elsewhere, the Justice Department sent monitors to the polls in Randolph County. Some people reportedly claimed there was "racial tension" - yet the only local runoff races there were for judge and court clerk. Are all the minority residents going to be jailed now?

And in Sumter County, Sheriff Robert Ingle must give up his seat after losing a runoff. This means he only has a few months to get jail inmates to fix up his house.

Oh, yeah: where did I go on runoff night? I didn't go anywhere, really. It might have rained on my umbrella....

Other things happened on Tuesday, too:

+ Columbus Councilor Gary Allen called fellow Councilor Glenn Davis a "rookie," in a debate about a zoning case. Oh yeah? At least Davis once was an All-Star - in baseball, admittedly....

+ Flooding from heavy rain damaged Auburn University computers, so some students were unable to register online. These poor, deprived students! They may have to get up and walk to a registrar's office - and hold pieces of paper.

+ The Sporting News ranked Auburn 64^th among U.S. cities for sports, while Columbus placed 336^th. Quick, you local minor league teams - start catching up, by firing some coaches!

(First Columbus ranked near the bottom for having a sense of humor - and now it's near the bottom for sports, too?! Maybe our nickname should be "the Frownin' City.")

+ Instant Message to GPB: I tuned to channel 28 Tuesday night to watch "The Legacy of Jim Croce," and there was Rosemary Clooney singing "Mambo Italiano." If you can't put the right "pledge month" tape on the air, why should I give you any money?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

10 AUG 04: LETTER PERFECT?

Columbus has more than 180,000 residents, yet not one - not ONE - can give my next-door neighbor a ride to handle her Social Security check. At least, that's what she tells me. Couldn't these groups offering voters a "ride to the polls" today take
a short side trip?

My busy work schedule right now doesn't allow me time to take my next-door neighbor to the business which takes care of her Social Security check. I'd have to drive her to that office, wait for about an hour, then drive her back halfway across
town. And since I don't belong to the River Club, I'm not allowed two-hour lunch breaks....

(I can see why my neighbor doesn't take a cab to this office, because that can be expensive. But she won't take a bus to take care of Social Security money, either - which means she's not very METRA-politan.)

But I was able to help my next-door neighbor over the weekend in another way. She asked me to write an address on an envelope, so she could mail a letter to the Government Center. The better to avoid tracing the hate mail, I suppose....

But really: my 75-year-old next-door neighbor explained she knows how to write an address on an envelope. But she thought I could do it better than she does. I'm really not sure why. Maybe she heard I write a blog, and thought I did it longhand.

People who've seen my handwriting probably are laughing at my neighbor's request already. Let's just say I've never been known for penmanship. I probably can't even win an award for pencil-manship....

My handwriting is considered so bad that when I duplicate cassettes of sermons at church, someone else writes on the label of the tape sent to the Church's "home office." No, I do NOT feel insulted by this policy. As we Christians say, some folks simply have different spiritual gifts.

Sometimes it can pay to have bad handwriting, though. If a grand jury ever demands to see my notes about a news story, I plan to turn them over immediately. But if they ask me to interpret them, they won't get any help.

But anyway: I sat down on the front porch with a lap tray normally used for dinners - and I wrote the address on that envelope clearly enough to satisfy my neighbor. Talk about pressure! I haven't faced such attention over my handwriting
since I made a down payment to buy mountain land.

Since Muscogee County and Phenix City schools opened a new term Monday, I can't help wondering if student handwriting has declined in this computer age. After all, I suspect young people do a lot more typing than writing nowadays. And we know from text abbreviations that many have trouble spelling....

E-MAIL UPDATE: We're still seeking your nominations for the Columbus resident with the best sense of humor. The person who suggested Randy Robertson of the Fraternal Order of Police wrote us a second time Monday:

No, I'm not a council member, and I'm not sure if that was an insult or not.......

Uh-oh -- our deep apologies, General Cavezza.

Now some other Monday musings:

+ Northside High School opened the new year with 100 more students than capacity. That means some classes are in three "portable classrooms." In this wealthy part of town, no one dares call them trailers.

+ News reports from Atlanta indicated a Hilary Duff concert was stopped for nearly an hour, when a speaker above the stage caught fire. So when do police plan to question Lindsay Lohan about this?

+ Columbus State University held its first women's soccer practice at "The (Woodruff) Farm." I fear a lot of C.S.U. guys are going to be disappointed this fall - when goal-scorers don't take off their shirts, like Brandi Chastain did.

+ Instant Message to Phenix City Mayoral candidate Jeff Hardin: About your desire to bring a movie theater to town - have you noticed the city amphitheater sits unused more than 300 nights a year? What are you waiting for?

COMING WEDNESDAY: A Georgia runoff rundown.... who should we visit this time?....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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for 9 AUG 04: HOUSE HUNTING

Political candidates will be busy across Georgia today, campaigning for votes in tomorrow's runoff. Unlike Alabama in June, there actually are some interesting races. Maybe Alabama Democrats should do what Republicans in Illinois do - and bring in candidates from other states to run.

The big runoff race in our area is for U.S. House District 8, between Dylan Glenn and Lynn Westmoreland. WRCG's Robbie Watson beat me to it, when she noted last week these men sound like they're running for Superior Court Judge....

Did you see the House "forum" between Dylan Glenn and Lynn Westmoreland on TV Friday evening? The way they went at each other, either they want a seat in Congress really badly - or they're auditioning to co-host a cable news talk show.

Dylan Glenn declared you should vote for him because, among other things, he helped organize the Chattahoochee County Republican Party. So? Any country music concert at Fort Benning can bring that together....

Lynn Westmoreland responded to that Dylan Glenn statement by noting Chattahoochee County isn't in the 8^th District. Isn't this a bit like faulting your church Pastor for converting people on a missionary trip?

Dylan Glenn said an "attack ad" accusing him of "skipping town" on an Albany charity was blatantly false. But hold on -- that Lynn Westmoreland ad actually has video of Glenn walking by a train! Now if only Albany HAD train service....

Lynn Westmoreland responded to an "attack ad" about accepting money and gifts by lobbyists, saying he was trying to promote teamwork in Atlanta. We know this approach works, because it's brought Atlanta's baseball team so many division titles in a row....

Several big-name national Republicans have endorsed Dylan Glenn in the last couple of weeks. J.C. Watts did. Newt Gingrich did. Zell Miller seemed to - no wait. Senator Miller only SOUNDS like a Republican these days.

Lynn Westmoreland dismissed his opponent at the TV forum by saying Dylan Glenn is "unemployed." Well, at least Glenn is out looking for work - so why is a sitting Georgia House member trying to deprive him?

Dylan Glenn is a Columbus native and a Pacelli High School graduate. He's called himself "Columbus's rising star" in commercials - yet in a July debate with Lynn Westmoreland, he gave his home address as Fortson. Doesn't this make him
Fortson's ONLY star?

I had a hunch over the weekend that if I visited Dylan Glenn's house in Fortson, I might find something interesting. After all, State Rep. Danae Roberts faced rumors that she didn't really live in her district - and the fact that she works in Atlanta now may be enough evidence to settle the issue.

So Sunday morning, your blog took a drive to Fortson. It's a place I admittedly don't visit very often. There's South Columbus, North Columbus - and then there's this area, which seems a prime candidate for Harris County to take over in a coup.

I exited Interstate 185 at Smith Road, went east to Fortson Road, then north to Country Place. Dylan Glenn's stated home is in a fancy neighborhood called "A Place in the Country," where almost all the homes are obscured from the street by trees. If the terror groups ever drive up, these folks are ready for guerrilla war.

At Dylan Glenn's stated number on Country Place, I found the mailbox door a bit ajar, a rather loose U.S. flag hanging over a winding driveway -- but no signs identifying it as his house. There wasn't even a Glenn campaign sign at the curb. So this conservative Republican REALLY supports privacy rights....

(You can't even see Dylan Glenn's house from the street, because it's set back so far and so many trees block your view. That's one intriguing way to avoid mowing your lawn on weekends.)

It was tempting to drive up Dylan Glenn's driveway and knock on the door - but I didn't. I'll wait for Tuesday night's campaign party, presuming it's again at the Wyndham Hotel downtown. Which reminds me - isn't 9^th and Broadway part of
Sanford Bishop's House district?

As nice as his country house appears, I'll say for one thing for Dylan Glenn. If Lynn Westmoreland is right and Glenn really did take that $100,000 from a charity in Albany, Glenn must have made some great investments with that money....

To be honest, there were no campaign signs up in Dylan Glenn's "Place in the Country" subdivision at all -- for ANY candidate. I suppose there could be a neighborhood covenant against such things. But no one's pulled up the construction company yard sign outside one house yet.

(Boo hoo! I shot several pictures to record this trip - but I regret to report the official blog camera somehow erased them all. I decided not to make a second trip to Fortson Sunday night. Gas is still expensive, and I'm a blogger on a budget.)

Let the record show between I-185 and Smith Road and Dylan Glenn's home, I saw no political signs for either House candidate. But back at the entrance ramp, I found one sign for Mac Collins's Senate race -- so maybe the Republican runoff
candidates consider this space under a curse or something.

(No, I did NOT drive to Sharpsburg and check Lynn Westmoreland's house. Did you notice this is NOT called the Blog of Coweta?)

Before you run off from this runoff talk, we have some Instant Messages to send....

+ To the Chambers County government: I hope your "Day of Prayer" Friday went well - but I was concerned to read this tradition began one week before September 11, 2001. Should I hide in the bathroom for the next few days?

+ To Dunkin Donuts on Manchester Expressway: Aw c'mon - SIX BUCKS a dozen? What are you putting in these donuts, organic flour and Belgian chocolate?

+ To the former Econo- Lodge on Veterans Parkway downtown: I think I finally figured it out. You covered the sign because with your rooms starting at $49 a night, it's really not that "Econo" anymore.

COMING TUESDAY: No politics.... but we certainly won't forget to "write"....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

8 AUG 04: THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR

The calendar might as well say October 8, as nice as the Columbus weather is this weekend. The last two evenings have been as cool and comfortable as the announcers on Q107 try to sound....

It was so comfortable Saturday night that I went outside and had my best run in almost three months - almost two miles non-stop. I have to confess, when it was over I said to myself, "It just feels great running a one-point-eight."

My running course took me south on the Riverwalk, from Golden Park past Rotary Park to nearly 22^nd Avenue. But on the return trip north, unexpected trouble developed - as the Columbus Catfish game ended. No, I did NOT come across
drunken baseball fans trying to find their cars....

The Columbus Catfish have fireworks shows after every Saturday home game this season - and this one happened to start as I jogged by South Commons on the Riverwalk. When I heard the first couple of booms, I guessed they might be playing
a loud rap song between half-innings.

But no - suddenly explosives were erupting practically over my head, and my jogging course was taking me directly toward them! I hadn't seen a fireworks show from this close an angle since my Dad dared me to hold a sparkler on Independence Day as a boy. To this day, I'd rather use a cigarette lighter than a book of matches....

Looking back, I could have stopped my jog to enjoy this unique view of the fireworks - but the runner in me decided to plod on. After all, my session had gone well and I had other Saturday night things to do. Truly it's a fine line between
stubbornness and stupidity.

As it happened, earlier in my run I was thinking about CBS News anchor Dan Rather. It's been two decades since critics laughed him to scorn for ending his evening newscast with the word, "Courage." Yet our country's needed a lot of it in the last three years - and for some reason, no one's asked Rather to start saying that word again.

My evening run suddenly became a courage test, as I kept going while fireworks went off above and to the right of me. It was like every John Wayne war movie I'd ever seen - only my green shorts weren't khaki, and I didn't have a helmet on.

I swung to the outside of the Riverwalk (nearest the river) as the fireworks continued. Suddenly I saw a glowing spent shell on the ground, just to the other side of the walk! What would happen if one rained down on me? I can't call WRBL's
Problem Solvers, like that woman did with the baseball through her windshield - since Dave Marshall's left town.

(Come to think of it, they had an archery competition next to Golden Park at the Civic Center Saturday night. Did that fireworks show ruin anybody's aim? Or did any fans heckle the contestants, and make things even worse?)

The Golden Park fireworks seem to be lower-grade than other shows use. There's a lot of emphasis on extra-bright flashes and extra-loud booms. So loud, in fact, that I was thankful to hear the attendant ask for my order at dinner after the
run ended.

It was fascinating to hear the fireworks have an effect across the Chattahoochee. About three-quarters of a second after every explosion, a reverberation could be heard on the other side of the river - like the boom was bouncing off a giant dumpster. It was as if every mobile home in south Phenix City was shaking on its foundation.

I had stopped for three "walking blocks" between jogs during the course - but I didn't dare do that now. I kept my head down and ran past the fireworks zone, all the way to the stairs ascending to Broadway. Thanks to God for the strength to do that - which shows I can get away from aggressive beggars anytime I need to.

My running began at Golden Park as the Catfish game headed for the seventh-inning stretch -- and the fireworks began as I jogged home. Either I ran longer than I expected, or the Catfish decided on "Scout Night" to keep the boys' attention by having only two outs an inning.

The Columbus Catfish clearly do NOT fence off part of the Riverwalk for fireworks shows, the way it's done for "Thunder on the Hooch." Maybe the team doesn't expect people to be down the hill from Golden Park at 9:30 p.m. on a Saturday
night -- or it thinks a ball game matters more than romantic lovers.

I survived this adventure with several "morals to the story." First, the Catfish are asking for a big lawsuit if their fireworks get out of control. Second, I now know a little bit of what Fort Benning's Third Brigade is facing in training at Fort Polk, Louisiana - only the soldiers can't go through it merely in a T-shirt and running shoes.

E-MAIL UPDATE: We're taking suggestions for the funniest person in Columbus, or at least the one with the best sense of humor. But our first nomination is quite surprising:

Randy Robertson, President, Fraternal Order of Police

Give him a call, have a conversation with him about Columbus, trust me, he'll leave you in stitches!!

Oh really?! This e-mailer didn't sign the message - so we're wondering which member of Columbus Council sent it.

And what else is happening on this gorgeous weekend? Let's see....

+ The Columbus Northern team lost the regional finals to Morganton, North Carolina. That means no trip to the Little League World Series - but maybe now they can come home and play games in Rigdon Park on the south side, to help promote One Columbus.

(Perhaps it's just as well the Northern All-Stars aren't heading to Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The Columbus parents would have been offended by the Asian players bowing down to "the god of Little League" - a statue beyond the center-field fence.)

+ The Midnight Basketball league had its final weekend of the summer at Shirley Winston Park. The winner of the slam-dunk contest actually jumped over a woman's head! If he had mistimed this, it would have set a record for the most witnesses to a sexual harassment case.

(I've asked this before and I'll ask it again - if I can see highlights on the 11:00 p.m. news, why is it called the MIDNIGHT Basketball league?)

+ Instant Message to Parkhill Cemetery: What's this I hear about you stopping Sunday funeral services? If I die on a Sunday, would that be a violation of the Sabbath commandment?

COMING MONDAY: The Republican wrangle road trip....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

6 AUG 04: GET THE JOKE?

The map was enough to put a frown on anyone's face. I found out Thursday that out of 205 U.S. metropolitan areas, Columbus ranks number 196 for having a "sense of humor." And I wondered why more people didn't donate money for this blog....

The nationwide survey by Hallmark cards threw Columbus into the bottom ten cities in the U.S. for having a sense of humor. If you don't think this city deserves that ranking, try to crack a joke about Kadie the cow standing outside Best Buy.

Hallmark's "Shoebox Greetings" division used several factors in computing its "Sense of Humor Index." Amazingly, one criterion happened to be how many Shoebox Greetings cards people bought! Maybe Columbus residents have become such cheapskates that we're only sending e-cards everywhere.

Another factor in the Hallmark survey was whether people considered themselves funny. So perhaps this explains Columbus's low total score. People here think they're right, and all those Northerners are funny.

As you might guess, Hallmark's ranking of Columbus as 196th out of 205 on the "sense of humor" index was disputed by the Mayor. I'm told Bob Poydasheff told a reporter: "The voters must have a sense of humor - they elected me."

Mayor Bob Poydasheff said during the recent Columbus Council debate on a new animal ordinance, officials made all sorts of wisecracks about dogs and cats. Just imagine if members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had stayed around after the circus left....

So why does Columbus rank near the bottom of the pile, when it comes to a sense of humor? I can think of several possible explanations....

+ Maybe Hallmark compiled this survey during the Superior Court Judge race.

+ Maybe it's because we're next door to Fort Benning - and we're afraid not about success in Iraq, but failure to avoid a few Victory Drive motels.

+ Maybe Columbus ranked higher when the Wardogs were the laughingstock of arena football.

+ Maybe it's because we're still "Two Columbuses" - and we can't find any joke books which don't offend somebody.

And is it only a coincidence that Columbus ranks so low on the Sense of Humor Index, while it has no comedy club? Thursday night was the weekly "Comedy Night" at The Loft - but beyond that, you almost have to wait for Bobby Peters to speak at a banquet.

Lest you readers in surrounding cities laugh at all this -- please note Columbus is just above Montgomery on the Hallmark list. Albany is even lower, at number 200. So quit pointing fingers, and go buy some whoopie cushions.

In a strange way, I feel better after reviewing the Hallmark survey. It tells me a blog like this is providing a much-needed service for Columbus. But in case you're new here, I have a reminder - the last line of each paragraph is supposed to be funny.

(BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: Who do you think is the funniest person in Columbus, or has the best sense of humor? We're taking nominations, so please e-mail us with your choice....)

Now let's put on our sternest face and check other items from the last couple of days....

+ Several people in northeast Columbus reported seeing a plane escorted by two fighter jets. First it flew south, then went back north. I'm going to take a guess -- is Sean "P. Diddy" Combs working on a clothing deal with Fort Benning?!

+ Fort Benning removed the Memory Lane nightclub from its "banned list" for soldiers. Only time will tell if this club can become a distant memory for the commanders....

(Did you see WRBL interview Timothy Delbridge about the Memory Lane nightclub Thursday night? He's the man who's run the "Friends of David Glisson" campaign - so that may explain what makes this club more secure now.)

+ A federal judge in Birmingham dismissed most of former Governor Don Siegelman's defense lawyers, because they've been connected with prosecutors. First three judges were tossed. Now defense attorneys are gone. This is just reinforcing those stereotypes, about everyone in Alabama being related somehow.

+ The Columbus Northern Little League team came from behind, and advanced to the Southeast Regional finals. I still remember Phenix City's big run five years ago - so which coach do you think will get fired from his job first?

+ Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick announced he won't cut his hair until the Super Bowl. Will someone please remind him that last season, the hair wasn't the problem - it was his ankle?

(I can't help noticing Michael Vick did NOT promise to grow his hair out until his brother's name is cleared at Virginia Tech....)

+ The Atlanta Hawks traded two players to Dallas for Antoine Walker and Tony Delk. Delk should have no problem fitting right in - since he already has an exit on Interstate 75 named after him.

(If the Hawks are going to trade for a bunch of Kentucky players, why not make more money off them - by moving the team to Louisville?)

+ Instant Message to the Auburn Fire Department: Why did I see several of your vehicles driving down 4^th Street Thursday evening? Did Brad Cotter buy you dinner, before his Civic Center concert?

COMING SOON: Congressional candidates fight to the finish.... and we haven't forgotten that Auburn "whore...."

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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5 AUG 04: IMPERFECT GAMES

"So - you want to talk about what happened Wednesday?"

No, I'd rather not.

"C'mon, why not?"

It was lousy.

"What was lousy?"

About everything.

"About everything? Like what?"

Like about everything.

"Well, it couldn't have been THAT bad."

Well, yeah it was.

"How?"

You want me to list it all?

"Yeah - I kinda do."

Well, I guess it started about 9:10 Wednesday morning.

"What happened then?"

I left for work.

"And that was lousy?"

Well, once I got to work it was.

"Why?"

Because I unzipped my work case - and I forgot my tie.

"So?"

Well, the policy book at work says you're supposed to "dress professionally" on the job.

"So?"

Without a tie, I wasn't professional. I didn't look right.

"Nahhh, that's no big deal. Lots of professional folks don't wear ties at work."

They don't?

"Sure. Take some of those TV preachers, like that one up in Ellerslie - what's his name."

Yeah, but I don't work at NBC-38.

"But he doesn't wear a tie, and he's a church guy."

Well, sometimes I do wonder who buys ties anymore - or suits, either.

"OK. That settles that. So what else happened?"

Well, the big boss wants people in my position to make sure everything is right before items go to the public.

"So?"

Wednesday I blew it. About eight different times.

"Why?"

Because I didn't check what the co-workers did first.

"Why not?"

Because I was too busy getting MY part of the stuff finished -- and most days, that's a lot of stuff.

"So? Tell the boss you can't do it."

What? And get fired?

"Maybe they'll get you help to do the stuff."

Nope. Money's tight. So when the workday was over, I told my supervisor I was willing to give up my pay for the day.

"What did he say to that?"

He said no. He indicated I was worrying too much about little stuff.

"Well? Do you?"

Yeah, I guess I do.

"Why do you?"

Because at heart, I'm a perfectionist.

"Why's that?"

For one thing, that's what the customers expect. If you fall short, they let you have it.

"So? Are they perfect?"

Many of them seem to think they are....

"They're not. What else happe...."

But the customers are always right.

"Who said?"

Well, I've heard that for years....

"Then why can't they all agree on stuff?"

What do you mean?

"One person has a red car. One person has a blue car. Who's right?"

Well, uhhhhh....

"One of them's got to be wrong, right?"

Uhhhhh....

"See? They only THINK they're right."

But that still makes me wrong.

"Yeah. Just like most of them. So what else happened?"

Well, I forgot stuff and couldn't do other stuff - so I was an idiot and a failure. And it was all Wednesday on my birthday.

"Ohhhh. So you blew it because you're losing it."

Yeah, I was feeling that way....

"Then you should do what I plan to do."

What's that?

"Go retire to Wal-Mart."

Wal-Mart?

"Yeah. Just be a greeter at Wal-Mart."

But that seems like such a boring job.

"Yeah, but Wal-Mart's growing. They'll need a lot of greeters."

That's doesn't sound stimulating to me at all.

"Yeah, but you won't have to worry about making sure everybody else is doing their job."

Well, that is a good point....

"Tell 'em a Wal-Mart you're feeling really old, and you need to be a greeter."

Yeah, but what if they don't hire me?

"Then you do what just about everybody else is doing."

What's that?

"Sue Wal-Mart, and try to get rich."

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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4 AUG 04: 100K MAN

Let's clarify something right off the bat here. Please note there's NO dollar sign in our title. I did not win any lottery jackpot. I haven't even signed a deal with Brad Cotter's agent.

The "100-K" event happened Tuesday night, as I drove home from work - an event I've waited months to see. No, my car did NOT break down 100 kilometers from the house....

What REALLY happened Tuesday night was that my humble Honda passed the 100,000 mile mark! The folks at the factory must have felt good about this car - because it's the first one I've driven where the odometer actually shows six figures, instead of going back to zero.

This 100,000-mile milestone was so big for me that I recorded it extensively on the drive home. Before you ask - yes, I had the brakes on as I did it....

Of all the places for the Honda to reach 100,000 miles! I was on 10^th Street, in front of the Public Safety Center! At least I thought enough to turn my emergency blinkers on, slow down to the right edge of the road - and drove well after a police convoy left for the National Night Out.

Earlier this year, I mentioned my tenth anniversary of driving this Honda [2 May]. In that time, I've replaced the tires twice and made every scheduled oil change. But these days now I have no time to get my brakes fixed - so does anyone
know the name of a good faith healer?

Since I tend to keep track of my gas mileage, I can even tell you significant moments in the history of my humble Honda:

+ 20,000 miles occurred in February 1996 - just before I was fired from a long-time job in Atlanta. So I guess I'm now 15,000 away from updating the resume.

+ 60,000 miles occurred in September 1999, well after I moved to Columbus. In that month, I only put gasoline in the car ONCE -- but I don't remember how much it cost for gas, when I took a fall road trip to Myrtle Beach.

+ 75,000 miles passed in the summer of 2001, just before I drove to Kansas City for my 25-year high school reunion. Now THAT was the time when I should have rented a car - a big SUV, to impress my classmates.

The curious thing is that I don't drive my Honda as much and as far as I did in spread-out metro Atlanta. In the last year, I've only put about 7,500 miles on the car. Maybe I should do what some of my friends do - and find a reason to take a trip to Birmingham.

There are many things in life where you can rack up impressive numbers. For instance, I marked 16,800 days of life on Monday. Only about 3,000 more, and I'll match the alleged number of Wilt Chamberlain's lovers....

(Then there are some numbers I'd rather not watch very carefully. For instance, I haven't stepped on my weight scale in weeks.)

BLOG UPDATE: Is yet another shoe about to drop at WRBL? I'm hearing from several places that General Manager Matt Browning has resigned - but staff members apparently have heard nothing officially from him. Who wants to volunteer to watch the loading dock for moving vans?

Less than a year ago WRBL lost its News Director. Then came the Dave Marshall controversy - and now the General Manager may be leaving?! It's a wonder the current one didn't install a revolving door at the entrance....

So whatever happened to former WRBL News Director Mark Wildman? One TV news message board indicates he's moved to Macon, and is building a small new news operation there from scratch. It's appropriately located at WMGT - short for "midget."

And remember the sex discrimination lawsuit which was filed against WRBL because of Mark Wildman's actions with a staff member? [23 Jun] A well-placed source connected with the case tells your blog it's now under a "protective order." After that sad killing in Smiths Station, I hope this order isn't enforced by D-FACS.

Now other items of note from Tuesday:

+ Georgia Congressional candidate Lynn Westmoreland offered a new attack ad, calling runoff opponent Dylan Glenn a "political opportunist." So?!? I thought Republicans prided themselves on being the party of opportunity....

(The ad even seems to show video of Dylan Glenn "skipping town" after a charity he founded in Albany folded. He's even carting luggage! No wonder rap stars have big entourages around them - they don't want to be embarrassed by politicians.)

+ The Columbus Council approved a new "animal and fowl ordinance" 6-2. If the two opponents considered it fowl, what does that make the other six?

(Among other things, the new animal ordinance requires you to keep your pet tied inside a pickup truck. To help you become familiar with this, Boomer 95-FM will play "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" for the next several days.)

+ Columbus Council also approved a proclamation, kicking off the Mayor's new "Read Every Book" literacy campaign. Isn't this taking a bit of a risk with our children? They'll become so sedentary reading thousands of library books that they'll still become obese.

+ A caller complained the Phenix City Police received too much credit for a National Night Out event there. She said Applebee's sponsored it and did all the preparation, so its staff should get more notice. So on this night, they were "feeling good in the neighborhood - good and jealous."

SCHEDULED THURSDAY: One personal milestone down, one to go....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

3 AUG 04: CLIFF-HANGERS

Instant Message to the friend of mine who said last week she "never, ever" wants to appear on this blog: It's pretty easy, really. Don't run for political office, and your odds seem to drop by more than half.

The remaining Democrats in the Georgia U.S. Senate race held a televised "forum" in Columbus Monday. I'm not sure what made it different from a debate -- perhaps because there was no big stoplight to tell the candidates to shut up.

Democrats Denise Majette and Cliff Oxford tried their best to get you to vote for them in next Tuesday's runoff. We may find out today how effective they were - if people storm the Government Center, and demand to change their advance votes.

Denise Majette is the Congresswoman who knocked off Cynthia McKinney two years ago. This year her road to the Senate may be more difficult - as her opponents actually are careful about what they say.

Cliff Oxford is the self-made businessman who was encouraged to run for Senate by former President Carter. But son Chip Carter bailed out of the campaign and supported Denise Majetre last week - and that flip by Chip could mean a big dip.

During Monday's televised forum, Cliff Oxford said he was "attacked viciously" over the weekend by the Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee, for his views on Iraq. Perhaps there's a hidden reason for this - the Republican already knew John Kerry's poll numbers were dropping.

Cliff Oxford puts the Iraq question on a personal level: would you want your children to serve in the military there? I suppose I wouldn't - but then again, I'm not sure I'd want them cleaning hog pens for a living, either.

Denise Majette was not afraid to say she wants the U.S. military out of Iraq A.S.A.P. That can mean "as soon as possible" -- or "As Shiites Advance Politically."

(Denise Majette said this as Fort Benning's Third Brigade prepared to head for Louisiana, to train for a second tour of duty in Iraq. If she wins the Senate race, leftover soldiers might storm into the Memory Lane nightclub and demand asylum.)

. Cliff Oxford made perhaps the most interesting comment at the forum, by saying he's discovered there's a "Third Georgia." I thought for a second, he might accuse Denise Majette of taking a tax-wasting junket to that country....

You may have heard about "Two Georgias": metro Atlanta and the rest of the state. Cliff Oxford says there's now a third one -- the "working poor" who have trouble surviving. I think in Columbus, this refers to everyone living south of
Manchester Expressway.

Denise Majette says she's been fighting over the last two years for federal money to retrain workers. This allows many people to use their own money to buy lottery tickets, and hope they won't need that training anymore.

Denise Majette was never asked about that pricy trip she supposedly took to India during her current term in the House. Maybe someone reminded both candidates Columbus had just held an International Festival....

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: This concludes the humor for today - but you're welcome to read on and reflect with me if you desire.)

BUT SERIOUSLY: I was saddened by the news from Utah Monday -- not to mention a bit confused. I suppose Mark Hacking will plead an insanity defense, in the killing of his wife Lori. And that's what this entire story is to me - insane.

If Lori Hacking ever gave a bad picture, I have yet to see it. As a single man, I can truthfully declare she was a "babe." And as a member of the Latter-day Saints denomination, she may well have been as beautiful inside as out -- certainly a woman worth giving up caffeine for, if you know what I mean.

So how could a husband like hers possibly do what he's accused of doing? Mark Hacking had a life-sized jewel in his hands - and he at least devolved into a life of lies and deceit. But to kill a woman like that? Yeah, I guess only an insane
person would stoop to that.

As a single 40-something man who's never been married, I puzzle over all this. If only God had allowed me to meet Lori Soares (her maiden name) somehow. Certainly I could have treated her a whole lot better than this. I certainly never would have lied to her about my job, my future, my habits -- or so I say to myself.

But then I stop and ponder it. Has God kept me single all these years because He knows I could NOT handle it -- that some way, somehow, I'd foul up a marriage just as badly?

I think of Bill Clinton's classic line when he first became President - that he was for the people who "work hard, and play by the rules." Whether or not he met those standards personally is not my point. Those are standards I've tried personally to meet - and what's resulted from it? No dates in quite awhile, to be honest with you. I even toyed with becoming close buddies with Bobby Peters for a while, to learn his secrets of success.

Where is the Lori Hacking for my life, I wonder. Of course, I've made it this far without one. Maybe I'm supposed to walk a lonely road on purpose -- while around me, marriages struggle and collapse for reasons ranging from violent deaths to
much smaller things.

On the one hand, it all seems unfair. On the other hand, maybe it's fair in the eyes of Someone planning things bigger than any of us can see. It's almost enough to drive a thinking man -- well, insane.

COMING WEDNESDAY:< We're expecting an event that's six figures big.... while trying to confirm a media rumor.....

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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2 AUG 04: FESTIVE-US

If you didn't get out and have fun in the area this past weekend, you simply didn't try. We made stops Sunday at one festival, one "celebration," a couple of tax holiday hot spots -- and one supermarket, because we were out of soda to refresh
ourselves from all the excitement.

2:45 p.m.: We walk over to the Civic Center and the 9^th annual International Festival. Three different Archway Broadcasting stations have vans in the parking lot. Of course, at "Kissin' 99.3" their idea of something international is Canada's Shania Twain.

The International Festival is free, and a great place to beat the August heat. It also can be very educational. For instance, some of you will be stunned to learn "Chile" is the name of a country, as well as a pepper.

I walk into the main floor of the Civic Center as the "16 Wheelers" take the stage. It's a group of square dancers in wheelchairs. Sadly, the schedule does not also have the "18 Wheelers" - drivers from The Waggoners Trucking.

Booths for various nations are set up on either of the Civic Center's main floor. I'm pleased to report things have changed from last year - and the Spanish-language countries are NOT all segregated on one side of the building. [4 Aug 03]

Various parts of the planet are represented with booths - but for some reason, the Caribbean country of Dominica has an empty table. That's strange. I didn't even hear about a coup listening to National Public Radio.

A few restaurants have "international" food on sale on the main floor. Que Pasa Burrito Co. has replaced Ritmo Latino, selling Mexican items. So exactly when was Jose Ricci taken off the schedule - before or after his arrest?

As I see dancers in traditional costumes of India, I'm reminded of a conversation I heard at church over the weekend. A man from Warm Springs said the first wave of Indians HAD to integrate there in the 1980's - but current immigrants don't see a need. So which approach did the Georgian immigrants do with those OTHER "Indians," 400 years ago?

The upper level of the Civic Center has booths and tables for local organizations. What does it say about this area when the Columbus Fire Department has one table - while Lonnie Jackson has three for all his plaques?

It's no exaggeration - Lonnie Jackson has three tables full of plaques, and nine display boards full of things the "Combined Communities of Southeast Columbus" has done over the years. It almost makes you wonder why they named that YMCA after A.J. McClung.

But back at the Columbus Fire Department table, they're handing out free plastic "Fire Chief" hats. For some reason, the firefighters are NOT demanding proof that people hold at least a two-year college degree.

(What surprises me is one thing the Fire Department table is NOT handing out - lists of City Councilors' phone numbers, to call and demand a raise.)

The Columbus Business Improvement District has an upstairs booth. Bernie Quick urges me to take a free downtown map. "I worked on it more than a year," he says. Too bad it's about to become outdated, with Columbus State University doing all sorts of renovations.

(The map has all sorts of downtown landmarks - but for some strange reasons, it doesn't show the Booker T. Washington apartments.)

The upstairs tables at the International Festival are the best places to look for freebies. I pick up a water bottle and a pen from "Children's Medical Services." But what's going on, when a dentistry office has cookie packets on its table? [True!]

4:30 p.m.: I walk home with my goodies and various papers, load up the car and head for Office Depot. I'm still recycling old computer gear there [15 Jul] - and find the parking lot crowded with "Tax Holiday" shoppers. When I was young, no one thought of buying back-to-school items at office supply stores.

I'm merely recycling, but many other people are buying. An employee carts out three big computer boxes for one couple. I never stopped to consider this, but it's one of the best weekends of the year to start a small business.

I walk from Office Depot to Big Lots - past the Mustard Seed store which is selling my CD. But the Christian store has NOT succumbed to the temptation to open on this Tax Holiday Sunday. Why they discriminate against Sabbath-keepers like me, I don't quite understand....

4:50 p.m.: On we go to Target, which is also busy with Tax Holiday shopping. How sneaky of the management to put the school supplies in the very back corner of this store -- so you have to walk by all those tempting toys and CD's on the way out.

But I'm not going back to school, and I have no children. Instead, I'm at Target to pick up a new set of sweatbands. My current white wideband has become so weak and worn, it might turn into a cooling band for soda cans.

5:15 p.m.: There's just enough time left to drive to Phenix City's "50 Years" carnival at Idle Hour Park. It was scheduled from 12:00 noon to 6:00 p.m. -- but hardly anyone is there now. When it's about 95 degrees F. and no one is in line for cola and water, THAT'S empty.

Old rock tunes I've never heard before are playing at Idle Hour Park -- and a sign on one of the tents offers me "Personized" items. Don't they mean "Personalized?" Or is this something out of the movie "I, Robot?"

All in all, it was a full day - and I never got to the public display at the Trade Center, opening the Georgia Water Expo. But if I had gone to this, critics would have said I'm "all wet."

BLOG UPDATE: It turns out John Fourcade indeed may have coached his last game with the Columbus Wardogs - because the entire team might leave town! Owner Ed Randle suggested it, in a TV interview shown Sunday night. But he said the same thing last year -- so maybe he should move them to Eufaula, the "Bluff City."

Ed Randle says the Wardogs had financial losses in the "high six figures" this past season. Of course, it didn't help that the team again had losses in the "double figures."

Ed Randle explains the Wardogs have been unable to generate enough season ticket sales. If only the Fort Benning staff had announced earlier exactly when the Third Brigade would head back to Iraq....

It happens that arrangements are in place for a new "A-F-2" team in Albany next season. So the Wardogs could decide to move there and become.... well, what? There's a big Miller brewery in Albany, so maybe they'll be the St. Bernards and
have mini-kegs around their necks.

Now other weekend leftovers that we found worth collecting....

+ Georgia Congressional candidate Dylan Glenn unveiled a new "attack ad," showing opponent Lynn Westmoreland's name and videotape of pigs. It looks like the "rising star" has become a dirt-digging meteorite.

+ Phenix City Mayoral candidate J.W. Brannan defended a proposal to open "Cadillac Jack's" nightclub on U.S. 280 near U.S. 80. He said with proper police protection, "we're not going to have any Boom Boom Rooms...." When your nightclub name becomes a punchline, it may be time to make a change.

+ Instant Message to Homer's Lounge on Victory Drive: About that sign, "Congratulations Bobby Peters, Marilyn" - is THAT the name of that woman he's escorting to restaurants all over town?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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1 AUG 04: END RESULTS

Somebody has to ask it first, so I will: has John Fourcade coached his last game with the Columbus Wardogs? And if he has, will the team wait until January to hire a replacement - in case Tommy Tuberville becomes available?

Yes, I know the Wardogs won a team record six games this arena football season. But Saturday night's 65-62 loss to Memphis was the fourth in a row down the stretch, after a 6-6 record had them in sight of the playoffs. Hopefully the Northern Little League baseball team hasn't been watching....

The Boomer-95 broadcast team somehow didn't bring it up, but the Wardogs could have tied Saturday night's game and forced overtime with a last-second field goal. Instead, Coach John Fourcade went for the win and failed. And in this case, "extending the game" actually meant extending the season.

(Maybe John Fourcade is a listener to Rush Limbaugh's radio show. Limbaugh has encouraged Republicans in Congress over the years to "go for it all and lose" - but unlike football coaches, politicians can be re-elected.)

Perhaps Coach John Fourcade didn't call for a last-second field goal because he was flabbergasted by the officials. They let the clock run down from 12 seconds to four, apparently without explanation. And you thought eight seconds only mattered at a rodeo....

But what may seal Coach John Fourcade's fate was how he reacted to the last-second loss to Memphis. In an on-field post-game interview with Rachel Baribeau, he used the "H" word three times in one sentence. This isn't New York, coach - and your last name isn't "Rocker."

The outburst of expletives may have stunned some Wardog listeners - since only last weekend, Coach John Fourcade was at Cascade Hills Church talking about the team during worship services. This will teach Pastor Bill Purvis to take month-long summer vacations....

Before you ask: no, I am NOT trying to run Coach John Fourcade out of Columbus. I'm just wondering if the Wardog management is willing to be patient with him -- especially after he clearly didn't show any in front of a live microphone.

There's also the question of whether Coach John Fourcade will want to stay in Columbus. He could shop around for a better coaching deal. After all, Fourcade won an A-F-2 title two years ago in Fort Myers, Florida. As strange as it sounds, maybe he's ready for MAJOR league arena football.

Keep in mind there's a coaching vacancy right up the highway, with arena football's Georgia Force. Perhaps John Fourcade would be a better fit there. I can think of one sports-talk radio station right away, which would love to hear him cursing all the time.

BLOG UPDATE: Speaking of final editions, WRBL finally presented its "Problem Solver" report on those smelly 20^th Avenue apartments Friday evening. The story had a hopeful, happy ending - well, except for not mentioning Dave Marshall may have lost his job over the investigation.

WRBL's Blaine Stewart finished the report Dave Marshall began. The managers at Rowe Realty showed him new sewer lines being installed at the apartment complex, so big backups of human waste don't occur anymore. And by extension, big losses of advertising money may not occur either....

The Problem Solvers report admonished you not to "flush large items," to prevent big waste backups at your apartment. For instance, you can donate jeans which don't fit anymore to Goodwill Industries.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION asked you if Dave Marshall should have been fired by WRBL - and when voting closed Saturday night, you said no by a 10-3 margin. Maybe with Marshall's "in your face" style, WLTZ should hire him. He could REALLY "Wake Up Columbus" at 5:30 a.m.

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Walgreen's Diet Cola at 79 cents for a 20-ounce bottle.... gasoline for $1.70 a gallon at Phillips on Weems and Coastal on Airport Thruway.... Sunday's FREE International Festival at the Civic Center (too bad the food isn't free anymore....)

COMING MONDAY: How many celebrations can we visit in one day?....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.