26 JUL 11: In the Arena
TRUE NEWS ITEM: President Obama gave a televised speech on the U.S. debt limit debate Monday night, at the same time "WWE Monday Night Raw" began on the USA Network.
"Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I want to take a few minutes to talk with you about an important issue that affects our country, both now and in the future."
"Let's talk immediate future, Jack! WOOOOOO!"
"Excuse me - I'm trying to speak to the nation here."
"Excuse ME, Mister B.O.! I don't think you should be running unopposed. Not when I'M around."
"Say, aren't you...."
"Go ahead. What's my name, buddy? WHAT is it?"
"That's RIC Flair to you! Known the world over as the Nature Boy -- and the REAL leader of the League of Women Voters! WOOOOO!"
"But why would you be so interested in our debt crisis?"
"Take a look, pal. TAKE a look! Custom-made from head to toe. Do you think the fans who want to follow in my footsteps can afford all this without a credit card?"
"You've been successful. I'll grant you that."
"There you go, trying to change the subject! Not that I don't mind being the subject, you understand -- but YOU and your pals here in Washington, D.C. have fouled it up! You guys remind me of when Harley Race interrupted my matches. You all write checks your you-know-whats can't cash!"
"Well, you have a point. And we're working on that right now. That's what I want to tell the American people."
"You can talk all you want, Mac! But the people tune in to see ACTION! In fact, that's exactly why I'm here."
"What do you have in mind?"
"Well, Mister O, I've heard a little about your athletic prowess. I'm told you even have your own basketball court."
"It's the White House court, really."
"All right, then! If you're really the power broker you THINK you are, if you REALLY want to get this debt mess over with - let's settle this in a manly way! You and me, in the ring! TONIGHT!!"
"Oh, come on now...."
"C'mon, Mister Prez! If you want to be the man, you've got to BEAT the man!"
"What are the stakes here?"
"As you may know, sir, I've been a loyal Republican activist for a long, long time! So if I beat you, the G.O.P. -- the Grappling Old Party -- gets the debt deal its way. WOOOOOO!"
"Well, it's funny you should bring this up. Because my aides knew you were coming...."
"What gave me away? This three-piece double-breasted suit? My fur-lined robe?"
"....and my aides have brought me a tag-team partner."
"Fresh off winning the world heavyweight championship - I'd like you to meet Rey Mysterio."
"Mysterio?!?! That's a low-down dirty trick!"
"And it helps me with the Hispanic vote."
"Why, I.... I...."
"What's the matter? You're going to have to walk the aisle of compromise."
"Not very funny, you B&O Railroader! Just you wait! I'll be back, and I'll be ready for you."
"I can pay for a tag-team partner of my own, bub. And pay him top dollar!"
"At least YOU can afford to take on a little debt."
"I might run up as much as you have, buddy! And Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to need every penny of that payoff. WOOOOOO!"
SCHEDULED WEDNESDAY: A question for the Columbus Mayor about public safety....
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