11 JUN 11: Diamond Vision
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We're pausing this weekend to mark the Biblical festival of Pentecost. We'll have no post Sunday - and today offer this Classic Blog item from 10 Jun 06.)
"Welcome back to Christian Poker Showdown, presented by St. Pauli Girl. We're here at the biggest of all big events, the Universal Series of Poker! Former tournament champ and standup comic Gabe Kaplan is alongside - and Gabe, we're down to two big names in this game: Jesus and Satan."
"You know, Richard, I still can't believe Jesus Christ is here in person playing poker."
"Well, maybe Christians aren't playing Rook the way they used to."
"And these guys have been yakking it up at the table. At least Satan has. Let's listen in on him now."
"If you think you're really the Son of God, you'd give me a bit of a break here."
"Why should I do that? You've been scamming people out of their houses and fortunes all week."
"They're called bluffs, my friend. And did you see how I knocked out that one guy last Tuesday with three sixes? Classic!"
"We're playing basic Texas Hold 'Em here. And thanks to our table cameras, we can see what they've been dealt. Satan has -- a king and queen of spades! 'Big slick' for Satan!"
"That describes him pretty well, if you ask me, Richard. He's not going to sit still with that."
"Indeed, Satan raises 2,500 right away."
"Now, we don't know what Jesus has. He hasn't picked up his cards yet -- but he's going to call that big bet!"
"It's poker -- so this might be blind faith by Jesus."
"That's pretty clever, pal. But maybe Jesus is giving Satan that break he asked for. Christ is playing with half His hand tied behind his back - which kind of makes him like Rush Limbaugh."
"I don't dare touch that one. Instead, we'll look at the flop - and it's a jack of diamonds, five of hearts, king of clubs. A pair of kings for Satan!"
"All he needs is one more, and he can sing to Jesus, 'We three kings of Orient are.'"
"Are the kings on those cards really Oriental? Anyway, Jesus politely checks."
"I'd think the devil is going to bet here. He'll try a temptation of Christ in some way."
"It probably won't be the last one, either. Satan shoves in another 5,000."
"He's being the aggressor, that's for sure - but Jesus calls him again."
"And He STILL hasn't looked at those cards, yet He's not backing down at all. Here comes the turn card - a ten of diamonds. That doesn't help Satan much."
"Well, wait a second, blog-face. He can go top or bottom now for a straight. This could simply feed the beast -- if you know what I mean."
"I'll bet 10,000."
"Satan's being a daredevil again!"
"Except he already IS the devil, Gabe. And Jesus calls AGAIN, not looking at His cards!"
"W.W.J.D. What in the world is Jesus doing?"
"Here comes the last card out, the river -- a QUEEN of diamonds. Satan doesn't get his straight, but he has two high pair!"
"Yet Jesus is the Prince of Peace - checking again on the river. Satan must be ready to jump out of his chair."
"I'm all in."
"Satan is ready to risk it all on this hand! And you have to admit, his hand is pretty good."
"More kings and queens than at a Taylor County prom. Listen:"
"What do you think of THAT, Jesus?"
"Tell you what, Satan. I'll raise you -- and put salvation for all humanity on the table."
"Wohhhhh! Look at that, Gabe! Now this is REALLY going all in!"
"The stakes don't get much higher than this, Richard. I can't wait to see what Jesus has been holding. In fact, HE can't wait to see it, either."
"Nor can a lot of people now. He flips them over - an ACE-KING of DIAMONDS!?!?! Jesus has a straight flush!!"
"How does that old song go, Richard? Bring forth the royal diamonds?"
"I think that's diadem, Gabe. But jaws are on the floor all over this room!"
"The King of Kings had an ace, besides. Let's go down to our birthday gal, at tableside."
"Lyanne Melendez here with Satan the devil - and Satan, what happened on that last hand?!?!"
"(CENSORED), that's what happened! I mean, I had Jesus nailed. I nailed him once before, you know."
"Yeah, but after three days, He broke away from THAT one, too!"
"You didn't have to bring that up, at a time like this...."
"So after such a humiliating defeat, what does the devil do now?"
"I think I'll go back down to Georgia - see if there are any other fiddle players I can pick on."
"And as for Jesus, guys - He seems to have disappeared in the crowd."
"Thanks, Lyanne - and you know, Richard, Satan might like the change of scenery. As they say down in Georgia, the devil deals the cards."
"Gabe, after seeing such an epic moment of truth, what can we learn from this?"
"It's pretty clear to me. Always have a six-second tape delay, when Satan's playing poker."
"I mean beyond that. What can other Christian poker players take away from this match?"
"There are all sorts of lessons, probably. Don't get too big a head, around the river - especially around Someone who promises rivers of life. It also shows straight is the way that leads to success. What did you learn?"
"It proves something I heard a church pastor say the other day. When it comes to saving human beings -- God is making diamonds."
"He's probably making hearts in the process, too."
"Yeah -- but I'd still be careful around those clubs."
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