8 SEP 09: Be Like Mike
TO: Mr. Tony Dungy
AT: Indianapolis, IN
CC: Mr. Tom Heckert, Philadelphia Eagles General Manager
Dear Mr. Dungy:
After years of experience in journalism and blogging, I'm ready to move my career in a different direction. After seeing what you've done in recent weeks, I'd like to hire you as my agent - as I seek a job in the National Football League.
I've marveled at the way you've steered Michael Vick over the last several weeks, in obtaining new gainful employment. Not only did Mr. Vick receive a two-year contract, the first year reportedly is worth $1.6 million. I'm not sure former President Bush has even found a job paying so well.
This is especially impressive, considering Mr. Vick had barely finished a two-year sentence for dogfighting. If you can do that, I'm sure you can help me obtain a job in the N.F.L. After all, what does Mr. Vick have that I don't? I mean, besides a federal prison record?
A friend pointed out Mr. Vick might have an advantage over me, in terms of speed and quickness. But I contend the last couple of years have leveled the playing field in this regard. Angry dogs are equally likely to chase us on the street now -- and they might show more sympathy toward me.
What you've done with Mr. Vick may revolutionize the jail and prison system in our country. For instance, my own city has tried for decades to teach inmates skills in construction work or trash collection. The better answer may lie in teaching them to play football - simply moving "The Longest Yard" to another level.
(You've also shown TMZ is not completely joking when a presumed Hollywood celebrity says in a commercial: "There are no consequences for my actions - EVER. As long as I apologize and go to rehab.")
If you're unable to convince a pro football team to use me as a player, I'm well prepared to work in other responsibilities. For instance, I did play-by-play of college basketball games during college. And I've come up with a "touchdown call" which can work equally well in English and Spanish.
Some might contend I lack the experience to hold such a job in the National Football League. I would respond by noting I've played in exactly the same number of N.F.L. games as Suzy Kolber, Andrea Kramer and Lesley Visser.
Another possibility is to utilize my skills as a humor blogger. I can write all kinds of online insults against opposing teams, to "psych them out" before big games. As an example, before a game against the Minnesota Vikings I can suggest Brett Favre take the field wearing flip-flops -- since he did that throughout the off-season.
(But you'll notice I'm writing you after the end of the pre-season training camps -- so no one gets the bright idea of hiring me as a tackling dummy.)
And if all else fails, I'm prepared to take an N.F.L. front-office job. Not necessarily as a General Manager, although I would accept such a position -- but as the person at the front of the office greeting visitors and answering phone calls.
I turn to you, Mr. Dungy, partly because of your skill in coaching the Indianapolis Colts. You helped quarterback Peyton Manning win a Super Bowl a couple of seasons ago - so he finally could match the number of pro and college championships won by fellow Tennessee quarterback Tee Martin.
With your mentorship and power of persuasion, I am sure to be an asset to at least one of the 32 National Football League teams. Please let me know if you'd like to see my complete resume, along with various bandages collected through the years - although they admittedly came from blood drives, not football injuries. Regards....
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