Friday, September 04, 2009

4 SEP 09: H-1-N-1, W-0 L-0

Now now - don't get the wrong idea about today's title. We have NOT outsourced the writing of this blog to Asia, to save money....

Most of you probably figured out the first part. We're talking about H-1-N-1, the "swine flu." The second part refers to the record of practically all college football teams: no wins or losses, heading into this weekend's opening games. A few teams played last Saturday - but not even the hard-core Southern fans are talking about Fort Valley State's opener.

College football teams are concerned about H-1-N-1 affecting their rosters. WLTZ reported the other night that Auburn University is teaching its players about protecting themselves from the flu. Hopefully the Tigers are being told it's still OK to tackle your opponent.

Then there's Saturday's opening game for Georgia. Oklahoma State's athletic director confirmed Thursday his full team will NOT shake hands with the Bulldogs before kickoff. But he says it's NOT a matter of the flu - coach Mike Gundy seems concerned about a pre-game fight breaking out. So his shorthand could mean "Hit 1, Not Playing for 1."

High school football teams have flu concerns already. Opelika High School kept at least 15 players out of last weekend's opening game due to flu symptoms. But when your team still shuts out Sidney Lanier 28-0 - well, as young people say nowadays: "That's REALLY sick."

But let's go back to Auburn University. What sort of instructions do you think the Tigers are being given, to guard against H-1-N-1? Maybe they're told....

+ Stop at the sideline table after every series. But please don't confuse the big jug of hand sanitizer with the Gatorade bucket.

+ The shields on the helmets to cover your eyes work every bit as well to hide your mouth.

+ Follow the California example - and instead of trading "high fives," pass I-O-U slips.

Columbus State University doesn't have varsity football, but it now has an official national H-1-N-1- expert. The American Red Cross has given that title to nursing professor Carlie Frederick. So all conspiracy theorists are urged to e-mail her, about why physicians are refusing to take the vaccine - or where the FEMA prison camps are located for locking them up.

Even though some people have obtained seasonal flu shots already (not the H-1-N-1 vaccine), Columbus city officials will promote them next week. Mayor Jim Wetherington will receive a shot Tuesday on "Roll Up Your Sleeves Day." In other years, the mayor would have demanded this declaration to check suspected criminals for gang tattoos.

Before we hurry off to wash our hands again, let's send some Instant Messages....

+ To Muscogee County School sales tax opponent Paul Olson: A message at the Ledger-Enquirer web site raised a good point. Is there anything in local government that you like? You can probably sum up that list for me, and send it in one Twitter message.

+ To whomever started a scuffle at Rep. Mike Rogers's town hall meeting in Auburn: If you beat each other up, the debate about whether our country is heading for dictatorship is bound to stop. You'll both be locked in prison for assault, and it'll feel like dictatorship anyway.

+ To Asbury United Methodist Church on Ellen Avenue: Aren't you forgetting something? You're holding a "Patriot Day" barbecue Saturday - but doesn't Labor Day come first, before 11 September? Unemployed union members might appreciate your food even more right now.

+ To Hardee's: You're kidding, right -- with that new fried bologna biscuit? To me, that belongs down your biscuit hole....

SCHEDULED THIS WEEKEND: Holiday weekend editions that we consider special.... but we can't say anything more right now....

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