Wednesday, August 05, 2009

5 AUG 09: Jacko-Fest

As of today, Michael Jackson has been dead 41 days. Is it fair to declare an official end to the mourning period? Or do we have to wait for a doctor to go on trial?

Some people are flabbergasted at all the attention Michael Jackson's death has received, and say it's gone too far. If you think it's overboard now, wait until October -- when stores are likely to sell souvenir "Jacko-Lanterns."

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: While he lived, Michael Jackson gained attention in other ways - and we wrote about him many times for our national humor service . Today we offer a sample....

7 Sep 01: History could be made tonight in New York, as Michael Jackson begins a concert series marking 30 years in music. The world waits to see one thing - how much makeup is he wearing now?

"People" magazine reports Michael Jackson will wear hair extensions during his New York concerts. Considering Britney Spears is also on the program, we hope some wise guy doesn't get these two mixed up....

Oops, check that: Britney Spears MAY be on the program with Michael Jackson. "Entertainment Tonight" reports she may have to back out, because of rules in her contract for a concert on Home Box Office. Spears probably wants this concert called "No-Sex and the City."

One highlight of the New York concerts is supposed to be a reunion of the Jackson Five. But there's been confusion this summer about whether Jermaine Jackson will appear with his brothers. He reportedly was upset about the high ticket prices - but then was reminded he wouldn't have to pay them.

Tickets for Michael Jackson's 30th anniversary concerts START at 45 dollars - and the best seats cost 25-hundred bucks! Somehow we get the feeling Jackson will have more anniversary tours than Barbra Streisand had farewell concerts....

An all-star cast has been assembled to appear with Michael Jackson. There's N-Sync, Marc Anthony, Whitney Houston -- and "Entertainment Tonight" reports Marlon Brando will be on stage, playing drums! OK, what "family" got paid off to let Brando do this?

(We even heard a report Liza Minnelli will sing at the Michael Jackson concerts. Please, Britney Spears, DON'T loan her any of your outfits....)

10 Sep 01: The U.S. Open tennis tournament made history over the weekend, as the Williams sisters faced each other for the women's title.... The all-Williams final attracted all sorts of celebrities. We saw Brandy, Diana Ross, Mary Tyler Moore - in other words, everyone who was passed over for Michael Jackson's concerts.

10 Oct 01: The most popular name for U.S. baby boys these days is "Michael." Who should get the credit for this? Michael Jordan's only now coming out of retirement. Michael Jackson hasn't had a new album in awhile. Yes, it MUST be - all those people watching Presidential historian Michael Beschloss on TV news.

19 Oct 01: Dozens of music stars plan to show their support for terrorism victims this weekend. At least three major benefit concerts are planned - with everyone from George Jones to Michael Jackson. For those of you who might be confused, Jones will be the "white guy" with less hair.

30 Oct 01: New at record stores today -- Michael Jackson's album "Invincible." If the music critics are right, this C-D should have been called "Invisible." It'll disappear from the charts in no time.

(What does it say when some bookstores stayed open after midnight to sell the new "Left Behind" book - but we didn't hear of any record stores staying open to sell Michael Jackson's new album? Who's the REAL one left behind here?!?!)

"Invincible" is the album Michael Jackson tried to promote during his big 30th anniversary concerts in September. The question now is whether fans want his new music - or whether they'll adjust one of his old songs, and declare: "He's Out of My Life."

"People" magazine recently claimed Michael Jackson wants to look more like a "tough rocker." He can try all he wants, but as long as he has a chimp named
"Bubbles," sorry....

Michael Jackson is busy with other projects these days. He's just finished work on an all-star song for charity called, "What More Can I Give." You don't think Jackson's former wives will buy that song, then call him and play it over the phone?!?!

6 Dec 01: The "New York Post" claimed Michael Jackson will be the "best man" at Liza Minnelli's next wedding in March. If Jackson is the BEST one available, we're a bit afraid to see who the worst one is.

3 Jul 02: Will Smith already has spilled the beans about another big name in "Men in Black II." There's a brief appearance by Michael Jackson! This is one time when we don't have to wonder whether the editors did a computer adjustment to Jackson's skin - because it's done for almost everybody else.

8 Jul 02: Michael Jackson apparently went ballistic in New York over the weekend. The New York Post claims he called Sony Music executive Tommy Mottola "devilish" at several appearances. We'd be more likely to believe this if Mottola's ex-wife Mariah Carey said it.

Michael Jackson claims Sony Music and Tommy Mottola conspired against him, to make his "Invincible" album less successful. Now hold on a minute! We thought CBS touched up Jackson's skin for that TV special last fall....

Michael Jackson told a Harlem news conference Sony Music's Tommy Mottola uses racial slurs - and besides that, he's "very, very, very devilish." It almost makes Jackson wish he could do a re-mix of "Thriller."

(At one point during the media event in Harlem, Michael Jackson actually kissed Al Sharpton! If Sharpton goes ahead and runs for President, the tradition of candidates kissing babies might be reversed.)

Sony Music claims it spent 25 million dollars promoting Michael Jackson's "Invincible" album. It calls the singer's claims of racism and conspiracy "ludicrous.... bizarre and ugly." Besides, is Jackson at any point actually asking people to BUY his album?

(It also must be noted that "Invincible" came out shortly after the September skyjackings - and with the Taliban's strict rules against music, many people in Afghanistan forgot Michael Jackson existed.)

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Why has our format seemed different for the last couple of days? Come back Thursday, when hopefully we'll be able to explain.)

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