7 JUN 09: Wine or Dine

The idea sounded so absurd, I laughed when I heard it. There's a way to get bugs out of your kitchen -- by using wine?! And it does NOT involve crushing them with bottles?!

But it was no joke. The "Consumer Watch" during the evening news the other night suggested using wine to get rid of roaches. "They'll drink the wine, get drunk and fall in," I was told. Sometimes I think the Chattahoochee Promenade works the same way on weekends....

To borrow the old Consumer Watch phrase, "Does it work?" It definitely was worth a try -- especially since the report emphasized "cheap wine." That happens to be all I have, and.... well, let me explain. It's not THAT cheap. Not like the old rhyme: "What's the word? Thunderbird! What's the price? Fifty cents twice."

I have two half-guzzled half-full bottles of wine in my kitchen. One is in the refrigerator, because the label recommends drinking it chilled. The other is in a nice glass flask on a counter. But I hardly ever drink from either one. My idea of "hitting the bubbly" is a 20-ounce bottle of diet cola.

Believe it or not, I bought the two bottles of wine for church events. The first time I tasted alcohol was at a church dinner-dance in Oklahoma, when I was 24. The denomination had to show me from the Bible that drinking is OK - and without spiking my soft drink first.

But anyway: I tried the "cheap wine" experiment this past week. I pulled out a saucer from the cabinet, and poured a little wine from the flask into it - and oh yes, I did this during breakfast. Please don't start twisted stories about your blogger opening liquor bottles at 6:15 in the morning....

The wine saucer was placed on the kitchen floor, next to the trash can where roaches love to gather. The aroma of the wine brought a crowd of bugs out within seconds - but thankfully, the back door was sealed well enough that neighbors didn't come knocking.

I couldn't stick around in the kitchen to watch this experiment. I showered, dressed and went to work. When I came home in the early afternoon, the wine still was there - but none of the roaches were. They were gone from the trash can. Yet none of them were "in the drink," either. So maybe they were sleeping off a sunrise hangover.

The roaches in my house tend to be night-owls - but they didn't return to the kitchen trash can that evening, either. So yes, it appears wine in a tray can keep bugs away. But then again, maybe my roaches are members of a different W.C.T.U. - the Waterbug-Cockroach Temperance Union.

After a couple of days, the wine in the saucer evaporated. A few roaches have returned to the kitchen trash can since then, but not that many. So now I'm thinking about expanding this experiment to other parts of the kitchen. If Jehovah's Witnesses will kindly stay away from the door for a few weeks, so they don't get the wrong idea....

By the way, you don't need wine to make a roach as drunk as a skunk. All you need is.... hey, wait a minute! Do skunks really get drunk? Do they need "cheap wine" to do it? Or are their tastes a bit higher, and they want cognac?

But I digress: I've found small roaches can get drunk and die in glasses of orange juice. A few drops at the bottom are all it takes - so maybe the key is to overload them with vitamin C.

SONG OF THE DAY: After we poured out the wine at breakfast time, we stepped into the shower - and a song about liquor came into our head. I should have called WSTH-FM "Rooster 106" on the spot, but I didn't.

Now for more music, and even a little more talk, from the weekend news:

+ Federal Judge Clay Land reduced the bond for accused attorney Mark Shelnutt from $50,000 to $10,000. Many people were relieved to hear this - especially the leaders of Shelnutt's church, who don't have to revise the budget for awhile.

+ The Tidwell Cancer Treatment Center marked Cancer Survivors Day with a luncheon at the Trade Center. Guests showed up in western attire - but I hope the cowboy singers on stage were smart enough to avoid "El Paso." After all, a couple of people die in that one.

+ Country singer Jake Owen performed before a full house at the Phenix City Amphitheatre. I jogged on the Columbus Riverwalk during the concert, and found people on that side sitting and listening. One man even yelled words of encouragement across the river - perhaps hoping for a song about poverty and unemployment, to go along with his not having a ticket.

(I didn't realize Jake Owen has a reputation has the most eligible bachelor in country music. They don't need an online dating service in Nashville to pair him with Carrie Underwood - simply a good record producer.)

+ The Citizen of East Alabama reported WKCN "Kissin 99.3" plans to begin live streaming video on Cable TV of East Alabama. Not simply audio - video. Now we'll really know if Bear O'Brian drinks Piggly Wiggly orange juice during the morning.

+ Two prison escapees from Alabama were captured, after a standoff at a ranch in North Dakota. Obviously these criminals were desperate - but when you stop in North Dakota, that seems incredibly desperate.

+ Instant Message to the downtown Burger King: I'm shocked - SHOCKED! You had four TV sets on when I stopped for dinner Saturday night. They showed everything from Dr. Drew Pensky to the U.S.-Honduras soccer match - but NONE had the fifth game of the N.H.L. finals?! Don't you want to encourage customers to enjoy ice-cold shakes?

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