18 AUG 06: A BETTER IDEA

It's Friday, and that means several things for me. It's the start of the weekend, I'll sleep VERY well tonight - and during the noon hour, there's a new episode of the funniest half-hour on Columbus television. And here's the amazing thing: I'm not laughing at anything on WRBL....

If you think infomercials are all alike, you haven't seen the half-hour ads for Rivertown Ford. Instead of simply standing next to cars and reading lists of features, this dealership has developed a program that's actually entertaining. And I don't recall anyone borrowing one of Phil Carter's loud jackets from Bill Heard Chevrolet.

Rivertown Ford makes its half-hours fun by bringing out a cast of characters to drive and display the cars. They chat a little with Brad The Host, and not merely about what they're driving. Sometimes, they even crack jokes - and so far, they seem to be as clean as the cars are supposed to be.

Brad The Host says the "characters" (his word) are real staff members at Rivertown Ford, which you can meet during the week. But some of them are a little on the strange side....

+ "Arnold Slashin-prices," a young man who puts on fake muscles and impersonates the Governor of California. But his impersonation is so lame that when he says "Yaaaaa!," I think Brad laughs out of sheer disbelief.

+ "Buy-onical," a driver who wears a red cape with a matching mask. The mask looks like it came from an old episode of "Ultra Man."

+ "D-Bo," a man who seems to long for "old school" cars. He actually was amazed a couple of weeks ago, when he drove a car with power mirrors.

+ "Too-Low," the man Brad always introduces as driving a car priced "way TOO LOOO-OOW!" Someone has to move out the Pintos, I suppose....

+ "King Crusher," a big guy who wears a gorilla mask and arms. I assume he now has to live 1,000 feet away from school bus stops.

(By the way, with a name like "King Crusher," is his real goal to drive cars with a lower price than King Ford?)

These Rivertown Ford characters and others tell a quick story of their cars - but oh yes, I almost forgot: if the car doesn't interest you, there's a dancing turkey mascot in the background. I've never seen the turkey drive. I've seen a few drivers in Columbus who act like turkeys, but not that....

"Put it on sale, Mike," Brad The Host says -- and then it's time for the not-so-hard, rather entertaining sell. Mike usually quotes two prices which the crowd behind the camera turns down. Don't you wish all negotiations at a car lot went this easily?

"One time!," Mike often says before writing the sale price on the windshield. And even then, it's a funny moment - because Mike says the price in a very sing-songy manner. For example: "TEN-thousand NINE-hundred EIGHTY dollars!" It's almost easier to imitate Mike than Arnold Slashin-prices.

If that's not enough, the Rivertown Ford cast sometimes takes field trips away from Whittlesey Boulevard. One week it was "Mission: Possible," which included a helicopter landing. Why Mike didn't come out and mark down the price of the helicopter, I didn't quite understand....

It amazes me that anyone would dislike a half-hour like this - yet Brad The Host said during the infomercial a couple of weeks ago that some folks criticize Rivertown Ford for acting crazy on TV. I think those critics really wish WXTX would bring back the "Family Feud" hour at 12:00 noon.

Am I the only one who's getting hooked on these Rivertown Ford infomercials? I'd imagine they could gain a cult following, especially if they appear late at night. And who knows - in a couple of weeks, Hook from the Columbus Catfish might start dancing with the turkey.

(Disclaimer: I have NOT even approached Rivertown Ford about buying a car, or having them advertise on this blog. And I have NEVER driven a Ford, outside an occasional rental car. But hey, "One Columbus" should apply to makes of cars as well....)

LOOK OUT BELOW FOR MORE....

Only six days left before the premiere of Power Frisbee of Georgia! Our opening night is in Augusta, with matches coming to Columbus this fall. Check the schedule and learn more about our new game at the official Power Frisbee web site; then offer your comments at the P.F.G. blog.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Look up the word "scattershot" in Wikipedia, and you might find this message:

rb--Please, unless your streak of humor or satire is perfectly obvious, do not continue to make comments about North Columbus being so rich. I am referring to those comments about the Little League team from North Columbus, and their parents foregoing a shopping trip or two to Columbus Park Crossing to finance the trip to Williamsport. That kind of stuff serves as just another divisor of Columbus, which we certainly don't need at this time. See below.

There are those who want to appease the Kenneth Walker family with $1 million or some other large amount. They should realize that just paying out to the Walker family will not keep the Black Racists down. We will continue to hear blame heaped upon Deputy Glisson, the Sheriff's Department, the City, White population in general, etc.

We will continue to hear from professional racist Kaffie Sledge, who hardly ever saw a story she couldn't inject race into.

It will never end.

Councilor Wayne Anthony seems to want to be a peacemaker. He sounds like more of an appeaser who is playing well into the hands of the Racists and Politicians.

It might be interesting to know how Kenneth Walker's life insurance policies have been settled. That however is a personal matter within the Walker family.

That some Council members are proposing to pay out $1 million or more in public funds, or to channel private funds to the Walker family, is an entirely different matter. A public matter. As the result of what was an accident, are we going to reward indulging in a cocaine habit and making visits to a housing unit under surveillance for drug activity? If he were a White cocaine user, the clamor would not be here.

Who might the private donor be? Maybe he ought to consider the kind of example that would be set.

Bob Poydasheff's attitude toward many people who bring problems to the City and Council is rude, condescending and worse. He has reached his level of Incompetence. He has proven the Peter Principle. Slapping backs won't work.

On top of all, Bob Poydasheff appears to be ready to play the race card in the Mayor's Race. Some of Georgia's past racist politicians, (see the history of Populism) chose to divide its citizens. He seems to be choosing to divide Columbus in a similar fashion.

Is this something he learned at The Citadel, in Service, in law school, in law practice, or as a trust officer? I think not. Bob must be in training to be a Racist Politician. He needs to have his butt kicked good, and truck his rude a*s back where he came from.

And then Columbus can move along with getting along better with each other.

OK, I'll tone it down about the Northern All-Stars. But keep something in mind: they play on the north side. The Columbus Catfish play on the south side. Coincidence?

(Not to mention that Northern received more money in donations in five days than the Catfish might be making on its entire current home stand....)

Who might these "Black Racists" be - civil rights groups? They certainly wouldn't call themselves racists, but supporters of justice. And we all know money can't buy justice - it only buys attorneys very nice suits.

Kaffie Sledge's column in Thursday's Ledger-Enquirer dared to declare David Glisson is NOT a victim in the Kenneth Walker case. But doesn't this cause a psychological paradox? If someone tells me in the newspaper I'm not a victim, I may feel like I've been victimized by the writer.

We should remember Wayne Anthony's background is in ministry, so attempting to be a "peacemaker" is something a Christian minister is expected to do. He could have gone to Lebanon and tried to negotiate with Hezbollah - but not even Jesse Jackson did that this summer.

If we're going to pry out noses into the Walker family life insurance policy (and I'm not sure why we should), what about David Glisson's private payoffs? Was he on the Muscogee County Sheriff's Department long enough to receive some sort of pension? Why hasn't he sued his accusers for slander? That seemed to work for Richard Jewell a few years ago....

And how would a city settlement qualify as a reward for "indulging in a cocaine habit?" Does a trace of cocaine in someone's system equal a habit? And by extension, should James Brown have been barred from giving any more concerts after he left prison?

I'm not sure where this writer finds evidence that Mayor Poydahseff plans to "play the race card" in the campaign. A variety of ethnic communities were represented at his kickoff event last week, and he noted all of them. So far, the Poydasheff campaign has not released a count of which groups attended Jim Wetherington's party.

Now that we've all made wonderful strides toward togetherness in Columbus, let's check some Thursday news:

+ A source I tend to trust says the Wild Fish restaurant near Peachtree Mall has closed. The updated score from Gentian Boulevard: three kills for Applebee's. First Rio Bravo, then Chevy's....

+ Columbus State University opened its fall semester, but the new "Downtown Arts Campus" was not ready and apparently will not open until October. So if you see young people wandering around Broadway for the next six weeks, remember: it's simply an addiction to Fountain City Coffee.

+ Georgia Republicans accused gubernatorial candidate Mark Taylor of taking illegal campaign contributions. He apparently received eight donations from separate Carl Gregory dealerships. Don't you wonder if they were delivered in one of those Waggoners trucks?

+ Georgia Democrats called for an investigation of Governor Sonny Perdue, because he paid two million dollars to buy land near Florida's Walt Disney World. Some governors can't find a way to run for a third term - but Sonny did.

+ Americus pastor Matt Stewart said his dog Winn-Dixie started barking the other day, and alerted the family to a house fire. Yes, they were saved "because of Winn-Dixie." Cases like this may inspire Harvey's and Publix to have animal adoption weekends.

+ A Rabun County, Georgia Sheriff's Office employee received a pardon from President Bush, for dealing in moonshine in the early 1960's. Maybe the President reasoned it was OK for HIM to drink it back then....

+ Instant Message to Skipper's Seafood on Buena Vista Road: What do you mean, you're "closed for renovation?" You can't possibly be! Your building hasn't been bulldozed, like the Taco Bell on Airport Thruway.

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