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19 OCT 04: IF I WERE KING
It was about 11:15 p.m. on a Monday night, and the caller was annoyed. He wanted to watch the 11:00 news, but his favorite TV station was showing a football game instead. I'm really not sure if this man had his priorities in the right order - or if the fact that he was calling to complain meant he didn't.
"I want to see the news," the caller complained. "I can't stand football." This man sounded middle-aged -- and if he said that in the right bar, he could have any woman in the place.
This man actually called the TV station to complain about Monday Night Football interrupting his late local news. The person in the newsroom who answered the phone actually offered to look up the phone number of Green Bay's Lambeau Field, so the man could call and ask one team to walk off the field.
"I've got this dream," the caller continued. "When I hit the lottery, I plan to buy your TV station." One of his first changes would be to take Monday Night Football off the air, so the 11:00 p.m. news starts at 11:00 p.m. every night. I hope he's there personally the first time it happens, to handle all the phone calls against him.
And what would sports bars do with no Monday Night Football to show? Well, they'd get by. They can dial in network satellite feeds and show games that way - and for many fans, those satellite dishes matter more than the ones holding wings on their tables.
This caller/dreamer says he'd contact the National Football League, and ask them to move up Monday night kickoff times so games could end by 11:00. Trouble is, the N.F.L. has done that only one year out of 35 - so a change like this would be like allowing players to honor fallen war heroes like Pat Tillman.
I might have suggested this man start watching Fox-54's "News at Ten" - but the baseball playoffs games have been going even later that the football games. Sunday night's New York-Boston game didn't end until about 1:45 a.m.! Then came
Fox-54 News "FOUR Hours Earlier" -- earlier than the morning reports.
(It turned out Yankees and Red Sox played another marathon Monday night, which started at 5:00 p.m. That meant no Jerry Springer Show on Fox-54 - but I'm told no one called to complain about the change. A friend of mine noted Springer fans probably expected a fight during the game.)
If this man is watching carefully, he might have a chance to take control of a Columbus TV station. At least one of them has its license up for renewal right now, and is inviting public comment. Whether "I can't stand football" counts as a convicting comment remains to be seen....
BLOG UPDATE: I'd better get moving on this vacation report, or it's going to last longer than the vacation itself....
DAY 5: Lexington, Kentucky is the first city I've visited with Meijer stores. They're mega-stores similar to Wal-Mart SuperCenters - only not without a long list of discrimination suits against them.
I go to Meijer's for a few groceries on a Saturday night, and see an older woman to my left sitting in a motorized wheelchair. She seems stopped, to I walk past her.
"Gentlemen before ladies! Gentlemen before ladies!" the woman pipes up. I try to apologize and explain what I thought I saw, but she rolls away unimpressed. As we've said, Lexington is a "designated singles site" church convention -- and I
again show why I've been single all these years.
A couple of minutes later, I come upon an able-bodied woman to my right -- and this time I freeze, in case SHE wants to walk by. Well, Lexington IS a Southern city. About 90 minutes north in Cincinnati, the manners probably don't matter.
DAY 6: A seniors' luncheon is held after church at a nice hotel in downtown Lexington. I've been asked to sing a couple of standards there, and one of them is "When I Fall in Love." How ironic for a singles site....
No, I didn't find love at the seniors' luncheon. But an older couple shows up at our table, which officially is reserved for entertainment. When they find out this detail, I ask, "What did you bring?"
DAY 7: Between the seniors' luncheon and singing a solo at a church service, people are growing interested in my CD. Compliments and business pick up in the parking lot after services. It feels good to come home with more cash than you carried out the door.
DAY 8: The singles group holds a "dance" at a motel in the evening - but not many people dance, and most of them head upstairs to a game room. Some play a card game I've never seen before called "Kings in the Corner." I think this also refers to political donors at Columbus Council meetings.
At one point a group of singles begins talking about true love and marriage - and I dare to ask how many have lived through that sort of thing. All the people at the table are either separated or divorced. Their "family values" may be worth about the trade-in values of their rings.
The only person younger than I at this singles night seems to be a 20-something man, who's helping provide music. The main reason for my selecting Lexington turned out to be a lost cause. And to make things worse, I never saw a single thoroughbred horse.
I still left Kentucky feeling satisfied, though. A record number of CD's were sold. Plenty of people expressed delight with how I sang. And I made it through east Tennessee without getting in one of those fog-shrouded 40-car pileups.
DAY 11: I stopped on the way home at a nice motel in Sweetwater, Tennessee. The economical price includes a free hot breakfast at a restaurant next door - and I walk in wearing a Peachtree Road Race T-shirt and red Georgia sweatpants. Big Mistake #3: totally forgetting it was the weekend of the Tennessee-Georgia football game....
COMING SOON: She only looks like she's running for office in November....
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