Sunday, November 01, 2009

1 NOV 09: Odds, Ends and the Weekend

We're conceding the floor for the most part to someone else today. But before we do, here are some scattered thoughts and news from an unusual weekend:

+ Continuing a rather new tradition, I changed my clocks back to standard time Friday. For more than 36 hours, I lived on Central Time as people in Opelika and Eufaula do -- and I think this worked out to give me two extra hours of sleep.

+ Then I fled the house Saturday evening, to avoid you-know-what. But I was at a worship service as usual during the afternoon - and I told the pastor I was there to give the devil his DON'T.

+ The U.S. Postal Service announced Columbus Postmaster Jerry Schafer is on administrative leave, and is seeking to retire. He's accused of violating privacy rules, by misusing some kind of government information. If my brother would kindly send me the serial number of my missing birthday gift card....

(It's not clear what sort of postal information may have been misused -- but if you happened to see President Obama's picture on a wanted poster, please let me know.)

+ WRBL reported the attorney for Mark Shelnutt has filed a motion to bar real-time "tweeting" of his federal trial on Twitter. If I was Shelnutt, I'd be more concerned about clients-turned jailbirds singing on the witness stand.

+ Columbus Police announced an arrest in a prostitution sting. Undercover officers reserved a room at a hotel near Columbus Park Crossing to capture a female suspect. If she wanted a wild time in Columbus, she should have stuck to Buffalo Wild Wings.

+ Valley Police posted signs in the yards of convicted sex offenders, to mark homes where children should NOT stop for Halloween candy. It's tempting to ask why these homes aren't marked all the time -- but that probably would invite "tricks" throughout the year.

+ WTVM reported City Manager Isaiah Hugley has canceled this year's Columbus city employee "holiday social," to save money. And if that's not bad enough, there's still not a well-paid Crime Prevention Director who can donate half his salary to pay for one.

+ Lisa Rowe of Uptown Columbus told WLTZ a new dance studio will open there soon -- and a new bar will open on Broadway next weekend. This indicates 50 percent of all downtown entrepreneurs have new and distinctive ideas.

(There's already a Club Oxygen on Broadway. So what should the new club be called - Nitrogen? Or will police watch it so closely that it will be named Copper?)

+ The BF Goodrich tire plant in Opelika closed for the last time. Mayor Gary Fuller seems to be doing all he can to help the hundreds of laid-off workers. He could have simply said, "That's the way the rubber tire bounces."

+ Florida flattened Georgia 41-17 in their annual Jacksonville showdown. The Bulldogs took the field wearing black helmets - which shows Coach Mark Richt didn't learn the lesson from last year's "blackout night" loss to Alabama. Clothes might make the man, but they don't always make you a winner.

(WDAK played a soundbite Friday, in which Mark Richt said he likes the atmosphere in Jacksonville for the Florida game. Then why did he want some of the games moved to the Georgia Dome in Atlanta? Does he like the sports bar at CNN Center even more?)

+ Georgia Tech vanquished Vanderbilt 56-31, to advance to 8-1 on the season. If this keeps up, Jimmy "Yella Fella" Rain finally might root for the Yellow Jackets.

+ The Columbus Cottonmouths completed a weekend sweep of Knoxville. The Snakes won 2-1 in an unusual 1:00 p.m. Saturday game. It drew about 1,900 people - proving sports fans haven't given up on the Auburn football team as much as we thought.

+ Instant Message to the driver I saw on Veterans Parkway with the words "Stupid hurts, Honda" on the spare tire cover: Why is that on the back of a Chevy Blazer?

-> Our other blog starts with poker, then goes in directions you might not expect. Visit "On the Flop!" <--

OK, that ends our contribution for the day. Now we want to share a slightly edited chain e-mail, which was sent our way by blog reader Larry Waldrup:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom....

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites....

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

To offer a story tip, advertise to our readers, make a PayPal donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post your e-mail comment and offer a reply.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 419 (- 37, 8.1%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

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