for 14 MAY 05: RANKED NUMBER TWO

Vice President Cheney spoke to graduating seniors at Auburn University Friday. The university expected a big crowd, and limited graduates to only six tickets for relatives per person. Remember, Republicans stand for family values....

The first surprise for Auburn graduates may have come when Dick Cheney was introduced. Considering Ed Richardson's situation, shouldn't this visitor have been called the "Interim Vice President?"

The Vice President's remarks recalled a host of Auburn traditions -- from Toomer's Corner to Samford Hall to "Cater Hall call-outs." In eight years in this area, I'd never heard of that last one before. At my old college, people usually were called outside to be thrown in fountains.

(So does Vice President Cheney have an Auburn graduate on his speech writing team? Or did the campus Young Republicans help him, as a political science class finals project?)

Vice President Cheney tried to win over the Auburn audience by saying a 13-0 football season "sounds a lot like a national champion to me." So where's the proposal before Congress to order a national playoff?

(Come to think of it, this explains why the Vice President attended Auburn's commencement. One good "number two" deserves another....)

Vice President Cheney also declared Auburn "one of our nation's great universities." It's a wonder one-third of the faculty didn't walk out right then in disbelief....

People expecting a pro-Republican message from the Vice President were left disappointed. Instead, he reflected quite a bit on his education and career. For one thing, he could have been Dr. Dick Cheney - but "had trouble coming up with a topic" for his dissertation. He could write one now, on a guide to "secure undisclosed locations."

Before then, Vice President Cheney admitted he was "asked to leave" Yale University - not once, but twice. That's the sign of a good Vice President. He's always making his boss look impressive by comparison.

When he graduated from the University of Wyoming, Dick Cheney said he never imagined a career in government. But he noted unexpected turns and sudden opportunities can happen. That loud "amen" you may have heard in the audience came from Tommy Tuberville....

Vice President Cheney told the class of 2005 it's good to set plans for your life - but he predicted in ten years, many seniors "will find yourselves following a very different course." This is the closest statement we've heard yet to the Bush administration proposing a military draft.

The Vice President also recalled the day he interviewed for a Congressional fellowship - and the interviewer was then-Congressman Donald Rumsfeld. Don't you get the feeling Mr. Cheney still is trying to impress Mr. Rumsfeld, even now?

Dick Cheney half-jokingly suggested Auburn graduates lead search committees - because he led the search for George W. Bush's running mate five years ago, and wound up on the ticket. I'm left wondering how many current Auburn students applied to be trustees last year.

The Vice President encouraged Auburn seniors NOT to give up when moments of failure or disappointment occur. Of course, the message might have been different if Hillary Rodham Clinton been in the hall....

Vice President Cheney also suggested Auburn's graduates develop the habitat of showing gratitude, and never take anything for granted. Unless, of course, polls show you're leading in Alabama by 20 percentage points two weeks before the election.

When Vice President Gore visited Columbus State University several years ago, his lunch-hour speech was televised live. No station presented Vice President Cheney's Friday speech at Auburn live -- so I'm assuming angry relatives outside kept unplugging the cameras in protest.

(Let's be honest, though: which one really was more exciting -- Vice President Cheney speaking to Auburn seniors, or that woman with the "Spud Farmers For Bob" T-shirt winning $11,000 in "The Price is Right" Showcase Showdown?)

Vice President Cheney's commencement speech lasted only 13 minutes - then he went on to a political fund-raiser in Auburn. It almost leaves you wondering which event he considered the most important of the day....

Vice President Cheney's second stop in Auburn was the university's hotel and conference center. He spoke at a luncheon for Rep. Mike Rogers, with tickets costing $250 a plate. By comparison, most Auburn graduates were satisfied with one last meal at Guthrie's.

We're told there were NO protests of the Vice President's appearance at Auburn. So where were all the antiwar demonstrators who gathered at Toomer's Corner two years ago? Did they have to hurry down to Orange Beach, to apply for summer restaurant jobs?

While Auburn University graduates heard from the Vice President, the commencement speaker for Chattahoochee Valley Community College Friday evening was Mike Gaymon of the Columbus Chamber of Commerce. I'm sure Gaymon tried his best to talk the graduates out of moving to Tuscaloosa for their junior year.

Now other odds and ends from a free-Frosty Friday (did you take advantage of that?):

+ Fort Benning escaped the ax, in the Defense Department's proposed base closings. In fact, this area could gain about 10,000 military personnel. Miriam Tidwell might want to stretch next fall's "God Bless Fort Benning" event to a couple of weeks, to accommodate everyone.

(However, the Defense Department suggests the closing of Fort Gillem and Fort McPherson in Atlanta - leaving the city wide open to new processions from Sumter County, demanding the old Georgia flag come back.)

+ GPB television's "Georgia Business Report" happened to focus on Columbus and military expansion. An executive with Columbus Water Works suggested federal and state grants might be needed, to pay for necessary water and sewer system improvements. You mean Benning soldiers can't do this, as part of foxhole-digging practice?!

(The GPB story revealed "Bayonet" reporter Bridgett Siter is married to a Fort Benning sergeant major. I've heard the pen is mightier than the sword, so why isn't she the newspaper editor?)

+ Four suspects were arrested for that theft of tons of cottonseed from an Americus store. Next time, they should try sunflower seeds -- because at least you can try eating all the evidence.

+ The "Second Chance Prom" appeared at the Columbus Civic Center, featuring "Chubby Checker and guests." If he had specifically named some of my high school crushes, I might have gone to this.... especially Kellee....

+ Which laundromat south of Victory Drive has put a sign on its change machine saying, "Do not take $10.00 bill"? Sad to say, I didn't see any such bill around the sign - so I fear someone took it.

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

13 MAY 05: WHERE DOES ALL THE MONEY GO?

"So do you like the new library?" asked the man behind the counter Thursday at the auto repair shop on Macon Road. I'd told him I was walking there, while his crew changed my oil. In fact, I tried to give his shop credit for building the library as a waiting room.

Yes, I told him, I do like the new library. But the man behind the counter apparently needed to talk to someone about it -- as if he simply can't wait until his next weekday off to call WRCG's "TalkLine."

"What gets me," the man said (paraphrasing his words a bit), "is that they spent all the city money on that library, and now they can't afford to pay for police." Well, the Columbus Public Library COULD serve as a form of crime prevention -- by getting young people so addicted to the Internet that they don't rob stores.

At this point, I admittedly became confused. I thought the one-cent sales tax which built the library was a school district tax, but an online check Thursday night confirmed I was wrong. There's so much tax talk in Columbus that it's easy to become LOST - which is the tax voters turned down last year.

But a check of the Columbus Chamber of Commerce web site reminded me of the problem with this man's comment. The 1999 one-cent sales tax was set aside to build the library, along with other projects. Police projects were NOT on the list, while six fire stations were -- and I certainly don't hear firefighters whining about THEIR pay.

Should money from the one-cent sales tax be moved to police pay? I'm not sure that's allowed under the tax rules. Besides, people who want their promised pet projects will accuse city officials of lying to them -- as if they don't expect politicians to do this....

Al Fleming brought up some of those promised projects in his WLTZ commentary Thursday. "Where's our new marina?" he asked -- not to mention a trolley line from downtown to Peachtree Mall. At least sales tax money is building roads for the other 95 percent of us.

But back to the man behind the auto repair shop counter, who wasn't finished venting yet. "And now they're talking about new buses for the schools...." This shop is in a position to watch dozens of school buses roll by every afternoon -- and maybe he dreams of fixing the old ones, for a bigger paycheck.

"They've been talking about adjusting schedules," the man admitted -- but a special task force assigned by Muscogee County schools found earlier or later class times didn't thrill many parents. Don't you wonder how many of those parents don't object to shopping at 5:00 a.m. on the morning after Thanksgiving?

The bottom line for the man behind the counter seemed to be that too many money was spent on the Columbus Public Library. Some of us who actually walk across the street to use it have a different perspective. We see large brownies on sale in the café for $2.30 and think too much still IS being spent.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Are you sitting down for this? At last we may have found something "IsOurCitySafe" actually likes!

Archie Rainey for Mayor? I think he could kick Bob's butt in the next election if his idea works.

Archie Rainey is the chair of the Public Safety Advisory Committee - and his idea is to put a two-dollar "user fee" on electric bills to pay for police. [11 May] Someone should check IsOurCitySafe's house, to see if he runs everything on a gas-powered generator.

A check of the phone book shows Archie Rainey does live in Columbus. And police might like him, since he directs Columbus State University's "Georgia Law Enforcement Command College." Of course, lately it's been busy reminding law officers to issue commands first before opening fire....

The reaction to Archie Rainey's "user fee" proposal has been interesting. One of the regular "TalkLine" wonks is upset by it, saying the fee wouldn't be removed if a new one-cent sales tax is approved in 2007. But c'mon - grocery shoppers in north Phenix City know miracles like this CAN happen.

Now some other brief notes to wrap up the week:

+ Gas prices at some Columbus stations dropped below two dollars a gallon, for the first time in two months. Come on, tell us now - when do you plan the Memorial Day weekend price hike?

+ The NBC Nightly News previewed today's announcement of military base closings, by showing a national map with all the installations marked. There was NO dot for Fort Benning - so is it only a coincidence that Vice President Cheney is going to Auburn today, and not Infantry Hall?

+ Keep Columbus Beautiful presented its annual awards. One of them went to Georgia Power - which will be a shock to opponents of that proposed power plant at the Muscogee-Harris County line....

(It's only fitting that Georgia Power received an award from Keep Columbus Beautiful. Did you really expect them to leave live wires on the ground after Hurricane Ivan came through?)

+ The Columbus Boys' and Girls' Clubs marked the first anniversary of its Teen Center with a luau dinner. This was both fun and educational - as teenagers learned in Hawaiian luaus, a "lei" is not something you eat with a dip.

+ Columbus State University's softball team won its first two games in the NCAA playoffs. The second game was a 1-0 win over Kennesaw State - as yet another local team told Division I bound Kennesaw, "C-S-U later!"

+ The mayor of Blue Ridge, Georgia was arrested for gambling on cockfights - for the third time! [True/WTVM] Now this is a town which could use a minor league baseball team....

(Then again, maybe the Blue Ridge Mayor is trying to boost the town economy - not only by gambling on cockfights, but lobbying the Chick-Fil-A cows to sponsor them.)

+ Instant Message to the St. Francis Medical Center "Singing Nuns": You should take that song-and-dance routine I saw Thursday on the road. Maybe it would calm down some of those frisky priests....

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: 20-ounce sodas at Walgreens on Wynnton Road for 40 cents.... FREE wireless Internet at the Krystal on Victory Drive.... FREE "Frostys" at all Wendy's through Sunday, but use that spoon to stir for body parts first....

COMING NEXT WEEK: Why a total stranger started asking me about fraternities....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

12 MAY 05: COOKED BOOKS

Wednesday's news revealed a 30-year Phenix City librarian has been sentenced to four years in prison. There's no word about whether she'll also serve hard-back labor....

Irma Duke admitted in Russell County court that she stole $70,000 in library funds over several years. The problem is that she timed this admission all wrong - and didn't wait for a library "no questions asked" amnesty week.

(It's so tempting to call her "Irma LA Duke" - but does anyone remember that steamy old movie anymore?)

Irma Duke apparently had a lot of power at the Phenix City-Russell County library. She was allowed to write pre-signed checks for the staff - so imagine what she could have done, if a child interrupted story time too often.

But a Phenix City audit last year revealed tens of thousands of dollars were missing from the library. Imagine if someone did an audit on the new Columbus Public Library. They SAID it cost 50 million dollars to build....

(I once found money inside a library book in Florida. It was only a one-dollar bill - but if the Columbus Catfish can give away secret diamonds, why not sneak thousand-dollar bills inside a novel?)

Russell County prosecutors say Irma Duke wrote TWO paychecks for herself - and used the extra check to buy everything from cell phones to a sewing machine for one of her children. Since the children never told authorities about what their mother did, that sewing machine apparently was NOT a "Singer."

Irma Duke was fired last June, after the Phenix City audit revealed library money was missing. Wednesday's Ledger-Enquirer revealed Duke also was fired in 1982, but brought back a short time later. The library board understands how the checkout system works.

Irma Duke has asked a Russell County judge for probation, and that will be considered in June. But imagine this 30-year librarian entering the Alabama women's prison system! Hopefully she'll check out some self-defense books before she's locked up....

(Why didn't Duke force a court trial on theft charges? If she was convicted, she'd know how to use the prison library better than anyone to plan appeals.)

There was a lot of other local stuff to read about Wednesday:

+ The Columbus NAACP announced the group's national chief operating officer will come to town this weekend, to give supporters a pep talk about the Kenneth Walker case. We'll see if any members bring picket signs - and find creative ways to cover up the word "Riverfest" on them.

+ The Columbus Convention and Visitors Bureau announced tourism visits to the area increased 34 percent last year. Did THAT many people come from out of town, for "God Bless Fort Benning?"

+ Callaway Gardens announced the completion of a $2 million renovation at the Day Butterfly Center. So much for that old movie which said "Butterflies Are Free...."

+ A task force for Muscogee County Schools recommended the district buy 20 new school buses, at a cost of $2 million. This could do more than resolve the long student waits and late arrivals. Park the buses outside Rigdon Road Elementary all day, and it might provide the feel of a new school.

+ Those tons of stolen cottonseed from an Americus store were found in nearby Crisp County. No one's been arrested in the case yet - but it someone comes up to you with a great deal on cotton swabs, call police immediately.

+ Habitat for Humanity filed suit against founder Millard Fuller, to keep him from calling his new ministry "Building Habitat." If the Americus organization wins its suit, all the PBS nature shows about creatures "in their natural habitat" may have to be redone.

+ A WRBL investigation found Georgia state officials are checking possible environmental violations at five Muscogee and Harris County housing developments. Two of them are apartments with "Greystone" in their name - but they're not supposed to make the Chattahoochee River gray in the process.

+ "The Newsman" turned author Dick McMichael came full circle, talking about his new book on his original radio station. He told WDAK he used to host a daily talk show, and spent mornings in libraries researching his topics. To which other talk show hosts would say, "Couldn't he afford a newspaper subscription?"

+ Smiths Station High School held a special assembly, as the girls' track team was presented a state championship trophy. The team's coach is J.D. Evilsizer - a name which sounds like he could have created that one-pound burger at Ruby Tuesday.

+ Glenwood High School won the AISA AAA baseball title, winning the final game 4-0 over Faith Academy. The winning pitcher was Chris Minney - and a two-hit shutout in a state title game seems rather "maxi."

+ Instant Message to all the Auburn University seniors grumbling about only being allocated six commencement tickets: Think football. Think the Sugar Bowl. It's called scalping....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

11 MAY 05: THE ELECTRIC SLIDE?

Would you be willing to pay more on your electric bill, to fund Columbus Police? The chair of a "public safety advisory committee" made that suggestion to Columbus Council Tuesday. Imagine the advantages of this - such as free Taser recharging.

Dr. Archie Rainey said creative approaches are needed to pay for Columbus law enforcement. So he suggested a two-dollar addition to power bills, calling it a "public safety user fee." But what he's describing isn't really a user fee per se. If I don't call police or get a traffic ticket, I should get a refund.

Dr. Archie Rainey admitted to reporters outside Columbus Council chambers the idea of a public safety user fee came to him "at 3:00 in the morning." That's strange, because at that hour many criminals have their own ideas about public safety - such as trying to elude it.

Dr. Archie Rainey noted Columbus has a garbage "user fee," so it's only a good idea to have one for public safety. He said electric bills would be a proper place to impose because everyone would pay -- well, except maybe the people tipping over candles to start fires at the Mockingbird Mobile Home Park.

The Public Safety Advisory Committee presented its first report to Columbus Council, based on three recent community meetings. But Dr. Archie Rainey admitted the last one at Double Churches Middle School was attended by NOBODY. Apparently people in this part of town have put a spam filter on Wade Sheridan's e-mails.

(The three community meetings on public safety attracted a grand total of 30-35 people. You could conclude the citizens of Columbus have spoken - and their locks and security systems are working just fine.)

Dr. Archie Rainey told the Council Columbus isn't the only Georgia city with a police staff shortage. Macon has lost about 100 officers in the last four years, because of low pay. Maybe the road connecting those cities should be named the Fall-AWAY Freeway.

Dr. Archie Rainey may have uttered the quote of the day when he told Columbus Council: "There will always be numbers who say they are not being adequately compensated." Only at AFLAC and T-SYS, those people still make so much money that they don't dare speak up.

Dr. Archie Rainey took pains to point out no one on the Public Safety Advisory Committee believes Columbus Council is unconcerned about public safety. The 11 members on this committee need to call WRCG's "TalkLine" every morning, before the cynical grumblers fill the phone lines.

Did you realize a former law officer is serving on Columbus Council? I didn't until Tuesday - and it's none other than Nathan Suber. For you Republican blog readers, I do NOT know when he converted away....

The report by the Public Safety Advisory Committee left Mayor Pro Tem Jack Rodgers unimpressed. He said for all the attention on public safety pay, there was nothing about improving public interaction with police. In other words, Randy Robertson's people were noisier than Edward DuBose's people.

Jack Rodgers reminded Archie Rainey the advisory committee was formed in response to the Kenneth Walker case, to make law enforcement more "user-friendly." Apparently the committee "moved on" as fast as most of Columbus did....

Councilor Mimi Woodson's thoughts about police went in a very different direction. She pointed out the city government web site still showed Willie Dozier as Police Chief -- and he retired six months ago! That was fixed by Tuesday night -- but this will NOT help the city information technology department avoid those staff cuts.

Tuesday's Columbus Council meeting also included a presentation on police budget cuts. Current Chief Rick Boren said he has no choice but to eliminate the gang prevention program "GREAT." You mean he can't simply trim it down to "good?"

E-MAIL UPDATE: We actually went to Columbus Council Tuesday for another reason - one brought up the other day by that relentless local e-mailer:

From one of the readers:

You should see what is being spent in the remodeling of the new dept heads, who have just got their jobs this year.

If this city if so poor, I invite anyone of our "leaders" to tell me where the money is coming from to remodel. I bet absolutely no one answers.

Thanks,

Wade Sheridan

Whatever remodeling is going on, it might not be enough. If city officials had painted the Government Center orange a few weeks ago, the Riverdragons still might be in town.

Since I hadn't heard anyone address this remodeling, I decided to visit Columbus Council and ask city officials personally. It was my first visit to a Council meeting - and the meeting room had so many empty seats, I almost thought I was at a Catfish baseball game.

When the Council meeting ended, I asked Deputy City Manager Lisa Goodwin about the remodeling rumor. She asked which department heads were being discussed - but the e-mail didn't name any names. They always get details like that on "Trading
Spaces."

Lisa Goodwin said she knew nothing about the remodeling rumor, but noted there might be money budgeted for office renovations. If that's true, the public safety supporters won't be pleased - especially since that statue of the officer inside the Public Safety Center doesn't have a new coat of paint.

When I worked at an Oklahoma radio station years ago, I analyzed the city budget proposal line by line - and sometimes mentioned details such as the city attorney being in line for a new bookcase. The furniture prices always seemed far above the Salvation Army thrift store.

OVERHEARD OVER HERE: Two law officers are waiting for an elevator inside the Government Center, and are surprised when the door for one of them opens.

"That's the silent one." I presume he was talking about the elevator -- and not the new Marshal.

Let's speak up now about other things which happened Tuesday:

+ The high temperature in Columbus reached 84 degrees F. so I removed a multicolored afghan from my bed for the summer. Then I impressed all my neighbors by throwing it over my head, and pretending to be "runaway bride" Jennifer Wilbanks.

(As it happened, a North Georgia pastor revealed Tuesday Jennifer Wilbanks has checked into an undisclosed treatment center. We don't know what the treatment is for - but once she's finished, she can call Pat O'Brien to arrange a prime-time TV interview with Dr. Phil McGraw.)

+ "Newsweek" magazine rated the top 1,000 U.S. high schools. Columbus High School was number 576, but Auburn High was number 211. Maybe if the state golf and tennis tournaments took place in April....

+ WXTX "News at Ten" presented a special report on local people who buy and wear gold teeth. It's too bad this report appeared AFTER Mother's Day - because a great gift idea now has to wait.

+ An Atlanta imam announced accused courthouse killer Brian Nichols has converted to Islam. Now wait a minute - what part of "The Purpose-Driven Life" did that Gwinnett County woman read to him?

+ Georgia's Governor signed a bill requiring a 24-hour waiting period for anyone obtaining an abortion. Don't you wish more men and women used this standard, before getting into bed in the first place?

+ Atlanta's Delta Air Lines warned high fuel prices might force it to file for bankruptcy. Quick, somebody - tell them to fly planes to that Phenix City Short Stop, where the gas price is $1.95.

+ Auburn University freshman basketball player Toney Douglas announced he's eligible for the N.B.A. draft -- to which most Auburn fans who ignored last season said, "Toney who?!"

+ Instant Message to Karate U.S.A. on South Lumpkin Road: What do you mean, you're "temporarily closed?" Is there going to be some big back-alley showdown with a greedy landlord from Hong Kong -- and if so, will Jackie Chan be there?

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

10 MAY 05: TAKE IT OUTSIDE

Georgia's Governor ended weeks of guessing Monday, by signing a tough anti-smoking bill into law. But Sonny Perdue missed an opportunity to make it really dramatic - by having both a pen and a cigarette lighter at the table, to either sign the bill or burn it up.

Governor Sonny Perdue admitted he did a lot of soul-searching about the smoking bill. But he finally decided the health costs to the state were worth new restrictions -- which only continues an old stereotype. Republicans make tough decisions based on their wallets.

Come July 1, smoking will be illegal in many public areas of Georgia where people younger than 21 might be present. So if things seem a bit cloudier than usual on the south edge of Columbus, it could be more than a controlled burn at Fort Benning - it could be all the Victory Drive nightclubs.

Your blog documented last week how almost all fast-food restaurant chains in Columbus already are smoke-free [2 May]. It now appears Captain D's will have to join them - but maybe that chain can take this idea one step further. Have smoking and no-smoking drive-through lanes....

Restaurants such as the Cannon Brew Pub will need to have an outdoor area for smoking - on either the sidewalk in front, or a porch in back. People dining inside might feel the urge to try that stronger beer Georgia legalized last year.

Phenix City officials admit they might see an increase in business, as Columbus smokers cross the river to eat at places with no smoking restrictions. Add that to Phenix City's Sunday alcohol sales, and it looks like the bad old days of "Sin Town U.S.A." are coming back.

The Georgia smoking ban DOES have some fine-print, though - as several public places are exempt:

+ Smoking areas of "international airports." All Columbus Airport needs now is one flight a week to Bermuda....

+ Hotels. Without this one, Georgia tobacco farmers might have to hold annual conventions in somebody's barn.

+ "Long-term care facilities." So residents at Muscogee Manor can puff on cigarettes until the end - and amaze all the staff members, who wonder how they survived so long smoking them.

(Remember, young people: Cigarette smoking - it isn't Kool.)

BLOG UPDATE: The Muscogee County School Board recommended Monday night that Kevin Francois's cell phone suspension be stricken from his record. Board members also quietly gave thanks for a new Georgia state law, keeping public officials' cell phone numbers secret.

Muscogee County School Board members reported they've received e-mails from as far away as Australia, about Kevin Francois's suspension from Spencer High School. This may prove once and for all how "zero tolerance" policies can boomerang....

A lively discussion occurred at a school board work session about Kevin Francois's suspension. Superintendent John Phillips said the issue was unruly behavior toward faculty, and children of deployed soldiers should NOT receive special treatment. So much for having all those students wear yellow ribbons, as a sign to teachers.

But school board member John Wells suggested the board apologize for what happened with Kevin Francois, and move on. Maybe he read the message board I read the other day - where someone used the suspension to declare all Georgians are crazy, so that explains former Senator Zell Miller. [True!]

School board member "Fife for Five" Whiteside said a stack of e-mails resulted from news reports being "taken out of context," about Kevin Francois's cell phone call from his mother in Iraq. Whiteside might have a point there. If Francois's mother had called during a CRCT test, that would have been a REAL scandal.

The work session ended with school board members suggesting military parents overseas call school counselors, who will get the children for phone conversations. In fact, the counselors might try to work out a three-way conference call with military recruiters....

E-MAIL UPDATE: What's this -- "IsOurCitySafe" finding common ground with the Columbus Mayor?! Read carefully, and you'll find it:

I was listening to our fine Mayor Bob on Rock 103 early Sunday morning when I began to think to myself...I wonder if anyone else listening can smell all the b/s that is coming out of his mouth with every breath he takes.

I am not saying that our city is crime ridden and its not safe to go outside at all, but Bob was blabbing on and on about how safe our city is despite the shortage of Public Safety personnel. I know that Bob has been reading the emails I have been sending out about how our fine city ranks as far as different types of crimes. Our city has an above average crime rate compared to other cities our size. Out of 8 categories, our city is above average in 6 categories. Does this not make you wonder what Bob is talking about when he blabs and blabs about how safe our city is? Bob was talking about how you cant prevent murders even if you had a Police Officer on every street in Columbus. Bob is right about that, but it is a known fact that almost all other types of crime is deterred by an adequate amount of patrol officers doing preventive patrol. In our fine city, due to the shortage of Officers, preventive patrol is nearly non-existent. It is also a known fact that pro active traffic enforcement reduces the amount of traffic accidents, traffic related deaths, and D.U.I's. It also helps in reducing insurance rates because the amount of traffic accidents are reduced. Bob was talking about how the Police Department has had a shortage of Officers since he was on council. My question to Bob would be..if you know there has been a severe problem for so long, why haven't you done anything about it? A recent study stated that Columbus should have 70-75 more Police Officers than it does in order to provide adequate Public Safety services. Ft. Benning is getting more soldiers in the next few years. I wonder how in the world we are going to provide services to those people when we can barely service the citizens we have now.

What are you morons in the ivory tower waiting for? Fix the problem!!

Thanks,

Wade Sheridan

Wow -- Wade listens to Rock 103 FM? I assumed a law-loving man like this would listen to right-wing country music instead....

If "preventive patrol is nearly nonexistent" in Columbus, Wade needs to go riding around town with me. I've spotted patrol cars almost everywhere I've gone in recent days - from the Historic District to downtown to midtown. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if blog-readers with badges are waiting for ME to run a stop sign.

Am I ever glad this e-mail brought up the benefits of "proactive traffic enforcement," because I have BREAKING NEWS along this line. On Monday, I saved a pile of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

No, really! An online quote from Geico saved me more than 75 dollars on car insurance over my current agent. The web site even had a gecko smiling at me with the price - but the gecko still isn't doing a robot dance, so that site is NOT "da bomb."

It's been 16 years since Geico insured my car. Two roommates I had in 1989 offered (well, kind of insisted) they start sharing in the driving around metro Atlanta. Their driving records were so bad, Geico canceled my coverage EARLY! The company was smarter than I was - because I didn't kick out one man for stealing until a year later.

The folks at Geico are so smart that when I called to accept car insurance coverage Monday, they knew exactly how much damage I had when I hit a deer in a rental car on vacation five years ago - more than $2,900. So who's monitoring THESE workers for identity theft?!

But I'm digressing: hopefully Wade realizes Columbus Police isn't the only area in town which has had a staff shortage for years. The newspapers have printed so many "help wanted" for nurses, you almost wonder why anyone trains to be a doctor nowadays....

Maybe the answer to "fix the problem" and hire 70 new Columbus Police officers is to do what Detroit's Mayor is proposing. Kwame Kilpatrick wants to put a two-cent "fast food tax" on items sold at places such as McDonald's. Try that in Columbus, and the Hardee's "six-dollar burger" actually might cost six dollars.

By the way, if Wade is reading this - I entered your name the other day in a Pepsi online sweepstakes, to win a big new car. I'm trying to get you something fancier than the City Manager's purported new Corvette.

With that soap opera updated, let's check other quick things from Monday:

+ Fort Benning's Rangers began a week of late-night training on post. This news probably caused concern at some businesses near the main gate. The Lucky 7 Lounge actually might have to come up with a lunch menu.

+ Thursday night's country concert by Montgomery Gentry at the Columbus Civic Center was postponed. If this duo shows up on a stage in Austin, Texas, maybe THEN people will be ashamed about losing the Riverdragons.

(By the way, an online check Monday found the National Basketball Developmental League already has removed the Riverdragons' page from its web site. Couldn't it give this team a decent cyber-funeral - like selling souvenir jerseys for half-price on eBay?)

+ The Columbus High School girls' golf team won the Georgia AAA team title. The team was led by medalist Grace Kim, who now can follow the example of Georgia golf legend Nancy Lopez -- by dating and marrying Columbus High baseball star Iain Sebastian.

+ Philadelphia Eagles football player Roderick Hood announced plans to hold a youth football camp in Columbus in June. Hood is a Columbus native - but I hope this event doesn't have some cutesy name like, "Camp in da Hood."

+ Instant Message to Georgia Public Broadcasting: When I see you showing George Jones country music specials as you did Monday night, I can't help wondering - how far away from your planned budget are you?

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

9 MAY 05: SEX AND THE SINGLE SUPERPOWER

"Here's what I want you to do," the caller told me Sunday night. "Get a Webster's Dictionary, and look up the word asexual."

Honestly - this call came totally out of the blue. I'm not sure if the man knew who I was, whether or not he read this blog, or whether he was making a mean point about the trip to the flower shop I mentioned here Sunday.

Always attempting to provide good customer service, I hurried to grab a Webster's Dictionary. "Did you say consensual?"

"No, asexual." At times like this, I wish the Columbus Public Library kept later hours on Sundays.

"What does the definition say?" Yes, he wanted me to read him the dictionary definition of "asexual." I wondered if some corners of Columbus might consider this telephone foreplay.

The Webster's Dictionary before me had three definitions of asexual, but the caller stopped me in the middle of the scientifically biological second one.

"Stop right there. You see, you can't always have a democracy. You've always had a contrast. Your Communism -- good and evil. So think about that, the next time we try to cozy up to Moscow." C'mon, admit it. Don't asexual plants make YOU think of world politics?

"Have a good evening," the man then said. His call to me was finished. As they say in Washington, I was left to "connect the dots" - and left to hope this man doesn't become a Columbus version of the BTK case in Kansas.

I'm not really sure what sparked such a call at 8:45 on a Sunday night. Perhaps this man felt provoked by something he'd seen on TV. Given what he said, he might have been flipping back and forth between the Playboy Channel and Fox News.

No, I will NOT guess here as to what the man meant with his statements. I might get it wrong, and spark a flood of further calls. He can submit e-mail to get his point across directly -- but it might not be as much fun for him, because you'd probably read dictionary definitions privately and quietly.

I don't recall ever hearing this man's voice on WRCG's "TalkLine." But he reminded me of so many calls to that program, and what makes them different from callers to shows in Atlanta. Columbus callers have trouble getting to their points -- as if their mouths are caught in an Atlanta-style traffic jam.

Pay close attention to Columbus call-in shows, and you'll hear it - a couple of "how-are-you" sentences, then about a minute to "set up" the point callers really want to make. It's as if callers are trying to be incredibly polite, and not upset anybody. But isn't that why Russ Hollenbeck isn't hosting "TalkLine" anymore?

In a way, the radio and TV phone callers reflect the difference between Columbus and Atlanta in general. This is considered a "slower" Southern city, while Atlanta is loaded with fast pace and hustle. That can annoy me at times - but then I remember the Columbus callers also don't use nearly as many four-letter words.

But sometimes this slowness can come from other places. A telephone survey-taker called me Sunday, as I was racing to change into dressy clothes for an emergency assignment. She wanted to know all about gas-powered generators to power my home -- a fad which went out of style here after Hurricane Ivan broke up.

The survey-taker wanted to know if I owned a gas-powered generator, which names of manufacturers I knew, where I would turn to buy one - all this to someone who doesn't have room for a generator in an apartment, and barely has room to put a queen-sized bed in his bedroom....

This woman even wanted to know about the last time my power went out -- how long it lasted, and whether I expected it to happen again in the next 12 months. If I blogged all these pesky details of my life, it would be even less funny than it is already.

It didn't help that the survey-taker had one of those "outsourcing" sounds to her voice. The brand name Kohler came out of her mouth sounding like "caller." If I learn someday she called me from Moscow, the circle of this Sunday will become amazingly complete.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION refired Sunday, to get your direct opinion on another phone call. Should a Spencer High School student have been suspended, for what happened during a call from his mother in Iraq? Or was he merely repeating bad language which soldiers in Iraq hear all the time now?

Don't be surprised if Kevin Francois shows up on TV talk shows today, discussing his suspension from Spencer High. The Muscogee County School District reduced his punishment from ten days to three, after his case gained national attention. Wait until people learn this district had classes on Memorial Day a few years ago....

Superintendent John Phillips says Kevin Francois was punished NOT for taking a cell phone call from his mother in Iraq, but for using profanity and making threats when he was told to hang up. I guess the era of using former Cottonmouths coach Bruce Garber as a role model are officially over.

Kevin Francois told WXTX "News at Ten" Sunday a Spencer High faculty member wouldn't listen, when he tried to explain he was moving the cell phone call from his mother outside the building for better reception. So perhaps the listening problem isn't confined simply to electronics....

Kevin Francois is scheduled to return to Spencer High School today, and resume class after what WRBL called "consultations." So how many attorneys do you think will be present - one, two or more?

Kaffie Sledge wrote a weekend column suggesting Kevin Francois has been in trouble at Spencer High School before. That's the problem with calling young people such as Francois "military brats" - some feel they have a reputation to uphold.

Sunday's Ledger-Enquirer reported the Muscogee County School Board will discuss its cell phone policy during a work session tonight. Perhaps the answer is have parents call school offices, and have students talk with mothers and fathers there -- you know, back in the good old days of the 1980's.

Now let's text-message along some other items from Sunday:

+ The Ledger-Enquirer reported assistant superintendent Brenda Dozier will leave the Muscogee County Schools June 30. Her husband Willie retired as Columbus Police Chief less than a year ago - so I guess they're officially surrendering local power to the Hugley family.

+ The Columbus Ledger-Enquirer published the names and photos of every "Page One Award" winner over the last 30 years. I checked every one of them, and only recognized one rather famous name - pro golfer Angela Jerman. If she keeps missing the cut at L.P.G.A. events, that number could drop to zero....

(AFLAC executive and community activist Karl Douglass was in the special section. He won a Page One Award in 1986 for English. When none of the "citizenship" winners are holding public office in Columbus after 30 years, is this a good sign?)

+ The annual "Cotton Pickin' Fair" concluded in the Meriwether County town of Gay, Georgia. I keep waiting for conservative Christians to show up in this town and demand a name change....

+ "Sesame Street Live" wrapped up a weekend stop at the Columbus Civic Center. I didn't attend this, so can anyone tell me - did produce dealers from the State Farmers Market try to prevent the Cookie Monster from appearing?

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

8 MAY 05: MOM-OGRAM

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK - 31 DEC 01: Perhaps the strangest personal story of the year surfaced a few weeks ago. Someone started a rumor at the TV station that we live with our MOTHER! A co-worker decided one night to get to the bottom of this -- only indirectly:

"Have you ever brought your mom here to the station?"

"No. I'm not sure what good it would do."

"Well, other people bring THEIR parents to the newsroom. I'd like to meet your Mom. Does she share your sense of humor?"

"Well, not anymore, she doesn't...."

"Not anymore?!?! Why not?"

"She died in 1983."

Fast-forward now to this past week, at a Columbus gift shop. I've won a $25 gift certificate to this store, with no choice over my prize. The manager sees my envelope, and says I have to use it in the floral department. I feel as awkward as Elton John must have felt, before he came "out."

I was a winner in a Mother's Day promotion - only my mother and grandmother are dead, I have no sisters, and I've never been married. Oh, I almost forgot: I don't have any children, either. These days, even single guys have to specify that....

In short, I have a hard time at this point in my life relating to Mother's Day. Yes, I know mothers matter and are very important. As Bob Barker used to say on The Price is Right, "If your mother didn't have children, chances are you won't either."

Ask me for the biggest memories of my mother, and I can name you many times when I upset her:

+ I moved from a duplex in her name to an apartment, and only realized later I'd left a closet full of nice suits behind. Mom called to chew me out for it, then asked if I had anything to say. "No, because you'd mock anything I'd say" - whereupon she mocked those exact words.

+ I'd bring Mom a Dairy Queen sundae one Sunday afternoon, and she'd be thrilled. I'd do it again a couple of months later on a Sunday, and she'd be annoyed. Perhaps she checked the weight scale between those events?!

+ Mother would ask me to turn on the garden hose so she could wash the car - then slowly boil over when I didn't anticipate her being finished, and turn the hose off without her asking.

I didn't want this entry to be completely negative -- but it took a good long run Saturday night for me to come up with positive memories of my mother. She WAS the one who thought I had physical problems as a boy, when my Dad thought they were emotional and mental. I won't go into details, beyond this clue: "Depends."

It was my mom who served a variety of items for dinner each night, from hamburger steak to pork sausage patties. When she was ill, Dad could do little better than toasted B-L-T sandwiches.

Mom would leave little notes in my school lunch box, sometimes with fun riddles. Nowadays, she might try to call me on a cell phone - and I'd wind up suspended from Muscogee County Schools....

Which reminds me: isn't that a strange situation at Spencer High School? Kevin Francois's mom called him from Iraq during his lunch hour - and when faculty members tried to stop the call, Francois reportedly swore at them and was suspended. Perhaps the next "Salute to Soldiers" parade should march by the Superintendent's office.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Watch for a new Big Blog Question on the Kevin Francois suspension, to be posted during the day Sunday.)

But I'm digressing - given my background when it comes to Mom in particular and women in general, what should I have done with the gift certificate? I wound up buying a bouquet of flowers which fit inside a dainty teacup. Maybe that sounds small - but the box for keeping up took up a lot of refrigerator space for four days.

I took the flower-filled teacup with a matching saucer to church Saturday, and placed it atop the upright piano we use for hymns. We have a collection of silk flowers, which are arranged around the lectern -- which is funny, because our Pastor has a thing against using "flowery language."

When the service was over, I gave the real flowers and their arrangement away to a family whose mother couldn't make it to church. She had really bad headaches, I was told. Maybe it's only a coincidence, but my mother developed ulcers over the years - uh oh....

OVERHEARD OVER HERE: We're going to assume it was a mother we heard talking to some women about her family, outside a Columbus grocery store.

"So I said to J.R.: 'J.R.! What's that in your mouth?'

"'My teeth.'"

With best wishes to all mothers, let's check other items from the weekend:

+ Columbus Police reported someone robbed Continental Cleaners on Milgen Road - using a wooden spoon! [True/WXTX] I guess some people really are desperate to make a Mother's Day cake....

+ A fire broke out during the Friday lunch hour inside the old Eagle and Phenix Mill downtown. The mill's being converted into loft space - and I suppose this would be one way to save on painting the walls black.

+ AFLAC marked its 50^th anniversary with a big bash at the Columbus Civic Center - featuring Chairman Dan Amos dressing like Elvis Presley and singing! If they come out with a new commercial to the music of "Disco Duck...."

+ Park Hill Cemetery began a new series of TV commercials, telling how they treat people with respect. It is just coincidence that the commercials are NOT running on the TV stations which showed attempts to bury caskets in pools of water?

+ Students graduated from the Muscogee County school "Bridge" program at the Columbus Public Library. Amazingly, each person receiving a G.E.D. was applauded -- so these families must be the REAL troublemakers in town.

+ The National Association for the Mentally Ill staged a fund-raising walk at Kinnett Stadium, complete with an attempt to set a record for wearing Groucho Marx glasses. You might be able to spot the patients with mental illness - who could be wearing those glasses for the next several days.

+ Instant Message to the evening staff at Krystal on Victory Drive: Be very thankful I had another blogging topic planned Saturday night. I mean - almost 20 minutes to prepare THREE burgers, with few people in line?! If this is "fast food," you made the NASCAR drivers on TV look like they're traveling 300 miles per hour.

(And while we're at it, to all Krystal stores in general - please put the price of your "B.A. Burger with cheese" on your menu board. Let's let everybody know you're charging 43 cents for one slice of cheese.)

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

for 7 MAY 05: EVERYBODY'S P.D.A.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: You may find this humorous, serious, or a little of both - but from time to time, we'll offer things to reflect upon as we keep the seventh-day Sabbath.)

As I waited for dinner after church the other day, I meditated on a point my Pastor made during the sermon....

Do you walk around with a P.D.A.?

If you believe in Jesus Christ, you do.

You have a Personal Demonic Adversary. Sometimes he's called Satan, other times Lucifer or other names.

The Bible says the P.D.A. is very portable -- walking around "seeking whom he may devour."

This P.D.A. can produce a dark sort of fruit -- so dark you might call a "Blackberry." But it quickly withers away, and is really no fruit at all.

So how can we override and negate this P.D.A.?

Believe it or not -- all you need is a "P-S 2."

P.S. #1 is a Personal Savior. There's only one real One on the market, you know - named Jesus.

P.S. #2 is the power of the Spirit. Not the one people drank on Cinco de Mayo. This is Holy Spirit, from God.

So the next time you feel stymied by a P.D.A., reach for your PS-2. A good zap can make you a winner.

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

6 MAY 05: THE WALKIN' MAN

My friend Lisa Napoli has an "experiment in blog" she calls "The Walk" - detailing her interesting walks from coast to coast. Today I follow her inspiration, reporting on several places I visited Thursday simply by walking from my home. With gas above two dollars a gallon, this might even work for you....

11:30 a.m.: I leave the complex for my first event, and hear a man call my name on First Avenue. It's the plumber, who made a return visit to my apartment Monday afternoon while I was away. A moved kitchen trash can with a cardboard box inside was a clue - and thankfully, it still has not exploded.

Even though the plumber successfully fixed the leaky bathtub faucet on his last visit [26 Apr], he came back to install a completely new one. He left a nice stack of tiles on my bathroom stool, and a couple of very wet rugs on the floor. I guess that means the new faucet works -- or did a struggle ensue?!

"I still have to come back and put in new tiles," the plumber reminds me. Indeed, the faucet end of the bathtub is covered with a duct-taped white tarp of some sort for the moment -- almost as if Christo started one of his artistic wrapping projects.

(But at least the faucet leak has stopped -- and I tell the plumber as I walk on: "My checking account thanks you." I doubt Atmos Energy and Columbus Water Works will, but I will.)

The day's first walk is heading for the Phenix City Amphitheater, and the National Day of Prayer event. The trip up Broadway is sunny and quiet - with the only adventure being how I'll keep space with a woman ahead of me, whose dog wants to (ahem) leave its mark in several yards.

11:50 a.m.: I arrive at the amphitheater, and a man puts an "I prayed" sticker on my shirt. Talk about faith - what if I hadn't done it before showing up?

As I wait for the praying to begin, I overhear someone talk about a "shootout." Only later do I realize he apparently was talking about the capture and killing of those two suspects from the Peachtree Mall shooting. Should I assume Conyers, Georgia now has joined the City Hall critics' definition of the "wild west?"

12:00 noon: The National Day of Prayer event begins - and as usual, I'm the only person from the congregation I attend to show up. The rest tend to take seriously the Bible verses about "prayer closets." My problem is that my closets are too filled with clothing....

People from a variety of denominations offer prayers in all sorts of areas. The first one is a "prayer for our nation," with a man who's clearly against abortion. But don't worry if you work at a woman's clinic -- because later there's a "prayer for our enemies."

As a woman from Smiths Station sings part of "America the Beautiful" toward the close of the event, I look around at the crowd - and no more than 100 people are in the amphitheater. This is supposed to be a "Bible belt" area, yet even Columbus Riverdragons games had bigger crowds than this.

For all the publicity the National Day of Prayer gets from "Focus on the Family" and "The 700 Club," not that many people attend the annual event here. Perhaps too many people are working at 12:00 noon, and can't attend. Or perhaps many Columbus believers still think Phenix City hasn't cleaned up those sins from the 1950's.

The "hour of prayer" is supposed to end with the launch of dozens of balloons - yet despite a strong wind, not that many balloons fly off into the distance. But I choose to look on the bright side. Maybe it means these preachers aren't as full of hot air as we thought.

12:40 p.m.: The prayer event ends, and I walk back across the Dillingham Street Bridge. I look down to find a man walking almost in the middle of the Chattahoochee River. Perhaps he was so fired up from the service that he decided to try walking on water.

I'm a bit hungry as I set foot back in Columbus - and the perfect place for me is just up the hill on Dillingham Street. I head for Quizno's Subs, in the basement of a building at 9^th and Front Avenue. You walk down stairs from street level to go in, yet so far no entrepreneur has thought to call it "Underground Columbus."

The special which appeals to me at Quizno's is a Philly sandwich for $2.99. But I have to stop the woman behind the counter, when I realize she never asked what sort of bread I wanted. Subway asks the "white or wheat" question - Quizno's simply browns everything in an oven.

The Philly cheese steak sandwich gets the "Quizno's toasted" treatment, passing slowly down a conveyor belt toaster. This might fascinate children -- but I've now seen enough popcorn bags pop in a microwave oven to be unimpressed by this.

I walk my Philly back to the barn (sorry, no Kentucky Derby predictions) -- and after about six blocks, the sandwich still is quite warm at the kitchen table. What makes this more amazing is that it's a bit windy, and I walked under several shady trees on Broadway.

2:30 p.m.: OK, I cheated. I run several errands in my car. But at least I walked up the big hill at Chattahoochee Valley Community College - which for out-of-shape people must feel some days like climbing Mount Everest.

6:15 p.m.: The evening events begin, on the same course as the earlier walk. But as I make the right turn onto Broadway at Fifth Street, there's music in the distant air. Could it be that civil rights leaders finally organized an alternative to Riverfest?

No, this music is coming from the "Cinco de Mayo" pub crawl - and a bandstand about more than five blocks away on Broadway. When you can sing along with "Oye Como Va" from three-quarters of a mile away, you almost wish you'd brought earplugs along with you.

In only two long tunes, I've walked to Tenth and Broadway - and as the "Ped-Xing" light permits me to cross Tenth Street, an impatient driver changes lanes and moves through the intersection right in front of me. Thankfully, I'm carrying an umbrella for possible rain. I call a foul on that driver on the spot.

6:35 p.m.: Before I look around what one bar sign called "Cinco Cinco Cinco," there's another stop to make. I walk inside Judy Bugs Books, where retired TV news anchor Dick McMichael is signing copies of his new biography "The Newsman." This place used to be Toad's Books - but somehow it's moved down the food chain....

My timing of this visit is superb - because Dick McMichael is chatting with Jim Houston of the Ledger-Enquirer, Al Fleming of NBC-38 and former TV personality Don Nahley. There are so many stories of old-time Columbus in this store that the Museum should have "judy-bugged" the room with microphones.

Jim Houston has to leave, so the three veteran broadcasters are left to talk about all sorts of past and present things. I take a seat and quietly absorb it all -- since I'm the only person there for about 40 minutes who wants to buy Dick McMichael's book, autographed or not.

(I should explain here that I worked with Dick McMichael during his final years of full-time news anchoring. And I was the producer on that fateful night at 6:00 p.m. when he anchored the news by himself and actually said: "Good evening, I'm Dee Armstrong....")

These three ex-newscasters apparently hadn't watched the evening reports - so I break the news to them of the biggest drug bust in Columbus history. Sheriff Ralph Johnson says more than $38 million in cash, cocaine and marijuana were seized in an 18-month operation. So that grand jury report about a "reactive" police force was a great cover job.

(About $600,000 in cash was seized in the drug bust. NOW can Mayor Bob Poydasheff restore those 16 public safety positions? We may have found the money for them....)

The three TV veterans apparently have no idea I'm a blogger, as they openly discuss all sorts of things:

+ Don Nahley succeeded Dick McMichael as WRBL booth announcer, when McMichael took a job in Atlanta. You almost wonder why WLTZ didn't try replacing Don Nahley with Al Fleming a couple of years ago, to save "Coffee Break."

+ "Scruffy Murphy's up for sale. They want $400,000!" If this deal goes through, the current owner of this Broadway bar should be much less scruffy.

+ "The Augusta newspaper's writing about US.... trying to learn how to revitalize their downtown." In return, maybe we should go to Augusta and learn how to keep professional golf tournaments.

+ No one's lived in the house atop the AFLAC parking garage since Elena Amos died several years ago. This should stop the rumors about a duck with a penthouse suite....

+ Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee River? "That's gonna happen, because Bill Turner's behind it." When big money flows, all sorts of other things can as well.

The conversation is fascinating, but I must walk on - and as Dick McMichael signs a copy of "The Newsman" for me, he reveals he's published the book himself. He bought dozens of copies through a company in Philadelphia to do it. Why does Jerry Laquire's publishing company hold a grudge, after all these years?

Dick McMichael had to buy several boxes of his own book to keep the price down - but even then, a paperback copy costs $19.95. Yet I'm willing to do my part, to pay for this local legend's retirement....

"He's reserved nine more ISBN numbers," the attendant at Judy Bugs Books tells me as I pay for "The Newsman." Wow - NINE more books from 74-year-old Dick McMichael? I recalled one TV interview this week, where he said he's written an unpublished novel. There could be a whole series, where a journalist outsmarts police to crack crimes.

7:15 p.m.: I take my autographed book out onto Broadway, where the Cinco de Mayo band is beginning a new set of music. It looks like more than 150 people have shown up so far for the party - so compared with the prayer service, Columbus may be more secular humanist than we thought.

(The Columbus Catfish decided not to compete with this bash, so the team is having a "Seis de Mayo" event at Golden Park tonight. People who had too much to drink Thursday night might opt instead for a "Seis-ta.")

The band starts a salsafied version of a Duke Ellington jazz standard, as I check a few businesses in the 1000 block of Broadway. But sadly, only one sidewalk table seems to have tortilla chips and salsa on it for free nibbling -- and it's occupied.

A woman is doing a solo dance to the salsa beat, as she mixes drinks outside Picasso's Pizza. "I can break it down for you, baby!" she tells me. On Victory Drive, those words could get some businesses on Fort Benning's off-limits list....

Even though I'm walking and not driving, I decide not to buy a "pub crawl" pass and turn toward home. As I cross Tenth Street, a thud can be heard from the lawn just north of the RiverCenter. It's a young man kicking a soccer ball -- and that makes more sense for marking Mexico on Cinco de Mayo than drinking Budweiser's "American beer."

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

5 MAY 05: HOCKEYTOWN

Perhaps I should have seen Wednesday's big story coming. As I drove into the Columbus Public Library parking lot, I passed a deflated basketball in the middle of the driveway. [True!] You'd think Riverdragons coach Jeff Malone would leave town in a classier way than that....

We warned you, Columbus. The pro basketball Riverdragons went out of business Wednesday, after a fourth season of poor attendance. That's the bad news - but the good news is, my still-wrapped mini-basketball from a Dragons game a couple of years ago just jumped in value.

Team President Barry McMullin says the National Basketball Association pulled the plug on the Riverdragons in part because they lacked corporate sponsors. Why couldn't the AFLAC duck ever fly high enough to make a slam-dunk?

(I was going to ask questions about this - but suddenly the Columbus Catfish having an "official airline" in a league full of bus-riding road trips doesn't sound so bad.)

WXTX "News at Ten" went to a sports bar and asked some guys about the Riverdragons going out of business. One man said he never heard the team publicize itself - but I couldn't help noticing this man wore a T-shirt with "dazed and confused" on it. [True!]

The N.B.D.L. didn't stop with the Columbus Riverdragons. It also shut down teams in Huntsville and Asheville, North Carolina. Considering they all made the playoffs last month, does this mean the league really wanted Roanoke to win the title?

Your blog documented the start of the Riverdragons' final season. We noted the team had a record unbeaten streak, and still couldn't draw 1,000 fans to the Columbus Civic Center. Looking back, maybe the Dragons should have added a proven attendance draw after each home game -- the Cascade Hills Church Xmas pageant.

I was surprised to learn the Riverdragons had an average attendance this past season of 1,568. From the highlights I saw, half the crowd must have been sitting behind the sports photographers - too shy to be on camera.

The most recent "City of Columbus Annual Report" showed more than 30,000 people attended Riverdragons games during 2003. But the Cottonmouths drew more than 74,000 fans - which is strange, since this city has far more basketball goals than hockey rinks.

If there's a big winner from Wednesday's announcement about the Riverdragons, it's the Columbus Cottonmouths. Now they'll have no professional sports competition in the area next winter - that is, unless some Auburn University booster tries to pay off basketball recruits.

The announcement about the Riverdragons apparently caused some scrambling inside the Columbus Civic Center. Suddenly there are about 25 open dates on the calendar. And even worse, nobody from Lee County won "Nashville Star" for this year's concert tour.

Word came late Wednesday that the Columbus Civic Center filled one of the Riverdragon dates, by booking a rodeo for next January. Maybe that movie title is true, and "White Men Can't Jump" -- but white-faced steers sure can when you sit on them.

The loss of the Riverdragons could hurt the Columbus Civic Center's balance sheet. In three years, the arena has gone from break-even to an estimated $50,000 profit for 2005 -- and that's without selling advertising on the roof, the way some big-city sports arenas do.

With both the arena football WarDogs and the basketball Riverdragons disappearing within a 12-month span, Columbus is down to two pro sports teams. That made what happened at Golden Park Wednesday night even more concerning -- as someone named Jason Columbus played for Augusta, against the Columbus Catfish.

By the way, I checked at post time on how Albany's new arena football team is doing. The South Georgia Wildcats are averaging 7,000 fans a home game, and they're 0-4! Maybe all the Miller brewery employees are allowed to bring in kegs....

E-MAIL UPDATE: Our serial e-mailer wasn't silent long about the latest violence involving Columbus law enforcement:

A Columbus police lieutenant was wounded Monday evening during a shootout with bank robbery suspects in the Peachtree Mall parking lot.

I really appreciate that $200.00 bonus BOB, I am sure it will come in handy when I am shot at or stabbed at work protecting this city.

Go ahead and make those cutbacks in Public Safety and we will see just how safe the public is. I wonder how many new businesses will want to come to Columbus knowing that this city is turning into the wild west?

Be sure and wave to the new City Manager when you see him driving his new Chevy Corvette.

You wont be able to miss him when he drives by, you will hear the loud whistling noise of the wind blowing through his front teeth.

I heard from a very reliable source that Mr. Suber appeared to be growing a "set" when speaking to the Mayor at the council meeting the other day. Apparently Mr. BOB was blabbing his usual spill to angry citizens about writing down their complaints about the lack of Police in letter form when Mr. Anti-Public Safety spoke up and told BOB that citizens shouldn't have to write their problems down for him. Way to go Mr. Suber! Either you are growing a "set", getting scared about election time, or you are trying to win public support for when your daughter goes to trial and you want a sympathetic jury.

Warning to Columbus Police Officers:

As many of you know already, our Chief of Police has raised the amount of pay for part-time pay to $22 an hour. I assumed that the Sheriff's Office was doing the same. Apparently they are not. Sheriffs Deputies have been seeking out part-time jobs that Police have been working for years, such as Bill Heard Chevrolet, and offering to work the jobs for $18 an hour. Well of course the businesses are going to go with the lower price. This is going to cause a problem between the departments if not addressed.

Thanks,

Wade Sheridan

First of all, Wade, you need to learn from police about quick response times - because I had a line about the $200 "hazardous duty pay" here two days ago.

Columbus may be "turning into the wild west," but keep two things in mind. We ARE at the west edge of Georgia - and Heckler and Koch still plans to open that weapon-making plant.

You might say Wade fired shots in several directions here - but let's stick with police for a moment. Mayor Bob Poydasheff said Wednesday Columbus is not the only Georgia city with a staff shortage in that area. Albany is 32 officers short - but isn't about half of that because officers are accused of breaking the law?

Mayor Bob Poydasheff revealed to WRBL he'll again ask Columbus voters to approve a one-cent sales tax in 2007. Uhhhhh - aren't you forgetting something, Mr. Mayor? First you have to be reelected in 2006....

Mayor Poydasheff explained a one-cent sales tax is necessary because more than 10,000 Columbus residents pay less than $50 per year in property taxes. And here I thought apartment renters like myself were escaping under the radar.

Until this e-mail came, I didn't know public safety officers were working part-time at Bill Heard Chevrolet. That explains why so many of them showed up at Peachtree Mall Monday night. And it may also answer that complaint from months ago, about why Ford Crown Victorias aren't used as police squad cars.

Isn't it interesting to see Sheriff's deputies bidding lower than Columbus Police officers for part-time jobs? That's the good old American way of doing business -- the way Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity praise while making millions of dollars a year....

Remember our joke Wednesday about the Columbus Police looking into riding horses? We didn't realize the Fraternal Order of Police is hosting a fund-raising horse show this weekend, at Poplar Place Farm in Harris County. Most of the time, law officers are against anyone "jumping bales."

Now back to Wade's other attempts to imitate my -- oops, other comments. Can anyone else confirm if City Manager Isaiah Hugley is driving a "new Chevy Corvette?" And can he afford one because his wife can get discount insurance, as a State Farm agent?

And someone will have to explain to me the phrase "growing a set," about Columbus Councilor Nathan Suber. I thought that was how Southern women developed beehive hairdos....

(If you indeed can "grow a set," this shows how old-fashioned I am - because I still buy television sets at stores.)

Wednesday was quite a busy news day. Here's what else happened:

+ Which area Christian school took students on a field trip to the new Columbus Public Library? Was the "Young Adult" section pre-screened, to make sure all the Harry Potter books were checked out?

+ Former Russell County Commissioner Tillman Pugh was arrested for election rule violations. WRBL even showed his mugshots! Who will be the first person to post those pictures outside that old building he owns, at Dillingham and Broad?

(Current Russell County Commissioner Ronnie Reed was arrested as well, for violating rules on reporting donations. But Probate Judge Al Howard had to be disappointed, when no TV station stopped by to give him attention about all this.)

+ Someone broke into Farmer's Seed and Feed in Americus, and stole more than seven tons of cottonseed. As police would say, whoever did this is facing some heavy time....

(So why would someone steal seven tons of cottonseed? Has the demand for T-shirts in Sumter County suddenly jumped THAT much?)

+ WRBL's Blaine Stewart displayed how "News 3 is innovative," explaining possible military base realignments by putting toy soldiers on an open U.S. road atlas and moving them around. [True!] Aw, c'mon - doesn't anyone at that station play Risk or Stratego anymore?

(Next thing you know, Jessica Clark will get out her dartboard and illustrate how Fort Benning soldiers are flying to Iraq....)

+ The Alliance for Battered Women in Columbus announced it's changing its name to "Hope Harbour." Directors say abused women are reluctant to turn to an agency with "battered" in the name. Related to this, Long John Silver will ask all employees to describe their seafood as "crumb-wrapped."

+ The latest "People" magazine speculated Jennifer Wilbanks may have become Georgia's "runaway bride" because she'd never had sex with her groom during an 18-month courtship. If this theory is correct, priests may disappear from all Roman Catholic churches....

(Somebody's gotta say it: if this couple is as "spiritual" as so many people claim, why were they living together before the wedding? Have we finally one of those churches that's "thrown away the Bible" - the ones TV and radio preachers claim are everywhere, except where they preach?)

+ Instant Message to Robert Rodriguez of Rivertown Ford: I'm sorry, but what you said on TV Wednesday was wrong. Cinco de Mayo (today) is NOT "Mexican Independence Day." That's celebrated in September. Now, what sort of accessories really ARE standard on your cars?

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

4 MAY 05: THE REAL GREEN ISLAND

If you've attended Civic Center events, you've probably driven by it. If you work downtown, you may have passed it dozens of times. But have you ever parked at Uptown Park for a visit? And no, I'm NOT talking about the grassy median in the middle of Broadway....

Its official name is "Uptown Park Water Resources Center" - a small bit of green space just north of the Second Avenue and Veterans Parkway bridges. From the driver's seat, it appears crews care for it very well. Except maybe for a few years ago, when the grass was quite obviously spray-painted green during January. [True!]

Yet as nice as Uptown Park looks, I can't recall ever seeing anyone IN the park enjoying it when I drove by. Why wouldn't anyone take advantage of this green patch of Columbus? After all, Linwood Cemetery is only visible in the distance....

I decided to visit Uptown Park for the first time on a recent Saturday morning. The day began with a drive up the hill to Veri Best Donut Co. on Talbotton Road - a place obviously concerned about safety. The attendant seemed more boxed inside than the doughnuts on the window trays

I took two carry-out doughnuts (since there's nowhere to "dine in" besides a parking lot), and drove back down the hill to Uptown Park. The first challenge comes in finding a place to park. There are plenty of driveways, but no signs visible to help you find the right one -- so it has something in common with Columbus Park Crossing.

After a moment of searching, I turned left from 17^th Street into Uptown Park -- and the driveway led me to a brick building in the center. I suppose that's the "water resources center" part. But unlike other Columbus parks, it had no drinking fountain sticking out the side of it.

From my parking space, around me lay empty black asphalt walking paths amid the rolling grass. But it rained heavily the night before my visit, so a spot on one path was covered with standing water. Attention, track athletes - I found a great place to practice the steeplechase.

There's a small wooden gazebo in Uptown Park, so I walked there to dine on my doughnuts. But the gazebo had no place to sit -- which explains the lack of band concerts inside it.

As I chewed my doughnuts, my thoughts were confirmed about why people don't stop at Uptown Park. Men began walking across the grounds from the Salvation Army shelter, right across the street. Don't take crumbs there to feed the birds - a homeless man might need them for lunch.

No, none of the Salvation Army tenants came up to me and asked for a handout. Perhaps I was hidden inside the gazebo, and they didn't see me. Or perhaps they thought I had leftovers from last night's dinner tray....

With this part of breakfast concluded, I went back to my car and drove out of Uptown Park. I realized later I missed the REAL parking lot, closer to Second Avenue on 17^th Street. But on this weekend, no one in a city uniform was there to correct me - or ask me if they could borrow a giant pipe wrench.

Perhaps Uptown Park's problem is that it's an isolated island of sorts. No one lives for blocks around it. Downtown offices are on the other side of the bridges. And the people at the Salvation Army aren't likely to organize short-track bike racing on the footpaths.

(And the park's location a few blocks from the expanded Riverwalk should NOT be an issue. After all, people actually go to GOLDEN Park - and it's even closer to the river.)

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION on the proposed Columbus city budget ended Tuesday - and 11 out of 12 voters say public safety should be exempt from budget cuts. We'd like to thank all of you police officers, who have this blog bookmarked on your computers.

By the way, that planned budget protest outside the Government Center Tuesday never happened. Fraternal Order of Police leaders decided it wasn't the proper time, after a lieutenant was shot Monday night outside Peachtree Mall. For once, Columbus law officers and civil rights leaders have something in common.

But public safety came up during Tuesday night's Columbus Council meeting. Mayor Bob Poydasheff reported 86 people have applied to be police officers recently, but only eight are being considered. How many of the rest put the word "union" somewhere on their applications?

Did you hear about what happened to police in the Atlanta suburb of Lithonia? All the squad cars were parked Tuesday, because the city lacked the funds to pay a $42,000 auto insurance bill. Maybe Columbus officials should check with Butts Mill Farm, about training police horses.

Now for other items from a Tuesday which felt more like March than May:

+ The Phenix City Council voted to reduce the sales tax on the Lee County side of town by two percent. That way, items at the new Publix store won't have a ten-percent sales tax anymore -- and shoppers can only beef about the regular high price of beef.

(The Phenix City Council agreed to a settlement, in which the city will pay Lee County schools money for three years to make up for lost sales tax revenue. Somehow this doesn't seem fair. Phenix City Central's football team should be given a three-point lead over Smiths Station the next three seasons.)

+ A stop at Columbus Park Crossing revealed to me Friedman's Jewelers is about to close. I don't know what will replace this store, but keep in mind - this is one of the few strip malls in Columbus without a pawn shop.

+ A Wilder Drive resident told Columbus Council he doesn't feel safe, because someone is firing shots from nearby Belvedere Park. OK, let's clear this up right now. Tuesday's blog entry was NOT designed to encourage other people to fire on songbirds.

+ The RiverCenter presented a stage version of the Carson McCullers novel, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter." And when hunters go out in pairs, they don't seem to have much heart for deer....

+ The Columbus High boys' soccer team advanced in the state tournament by humbling Harlem 8-1. So you don't look out of touch and silly, remember this: the "Harlem Shuffle" is out, and the "iPod Shuffle" is in.

+ Instant Message to high school senior Kyle Neely: Wow! You've already sold enough AFLAC insurance to move yourgrandparents out of public housing and into a condo?! I'm impressed by your example, and your dream to become a billionaire. But remember one thing - the Amos family doesn't have a billion yet.

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

3 MAY 05: CHIRPY CHIRPY BANG BANG

As I prepared for dinner Monday evening, there was a pop outside my home. This would be noteworthy under any definition of "pop" - as my dad died three years ago, and people in my complex are much more likely to drink beer.

But this "pop" was a noise - and a turn toward the front window revealed its source. My next-door neighbor stood in his doorway, with what looked like a double-barreled shotgun. Well, at least he wasn't wearing a camouflage outfit....

I've lived at this complex long enough to guess what was happening. My neighbor might be shooting BB's at birds in the courtyard of the complex. Maybe if police opened their shooting range to the public, residents wouldn't be firing shots around my apartment - and the city might make extra money.

But I've also lived at this complex long enough to know some people can go wild with weapons (see the LaughLine Flashback below). So I approached my front door with caution, as my neighbor stepped back outside his after stepping inside for a moment. Thankfully, the front window had no bullet holes.

I put my hands up at the screen door - and I didn't have a shirt on as I did this. If my neighbor was threatening to cause trouble, I was going to "disarm" him one way or another....

It turned out my original guess was right. My neighbor was firing at songbirds in the courtyard. Someone needs to give this man a fishing pole for Father's -- hey, why wait? Thursday is Cinco de Mayo.

This wasn't the first time this neighbor has engaged in "urban hunting." There was the Saturday morning in January when I returned from a neighborhood walk, and found him chasing a squirrel - even trying to swat it with the handle of his gun! This is why the Columbus area needs more bowling centers....

I really don't think the neighbors in my complex fire BB's at birds because they're looking for a free dinner. I suspect they're testing their aim - and besides, they might not have the money to afford any violent video games.

Remember the talk a few years ago about opening a park at the north edge of Columbus for hunting? It turns out "urban hunters" can be in very unexpected places, such as the Historic District. So if you're walking through the neighborhood, take my advice - look around all ways before you pass a bird feeder.

That reminds me -- Instant Message to Columbus animal control: Two black dogs are wandering around the Historic District and the Riverwalk AGAIN! I've come upon them while running the last two mornings. They chased me for awhile Sunday - but I kept my hands open long enough, I think they finally decided I was NOT carrying food.

E-MAIL UPDATE: We mentioned Sunday there was a local Elvis Presley impersonator in the HBO TV-movie "Warm Springs." That prompted this brief note:

another local in the movie Warm Springs? FOP President Randy Robertson

I'm tempted to say something about Robertson expanding his TV acting career beyond the 6:00 p.m. news -- but no. Based on everything the Fraternal Order of Police leader says, he needs the money from those movie roles.

(Then again, will Randy Robertson ever be able to watch the finished TV-movie? If I can't afford basic cable, I doubt a police officer like him can pay for premium channels like HBO.)

We certainly were reminded Monday night of the risks police officers face. Our best wishes to Lieutenant Mark Starling, who was wounded in a Peachtree Mall shootout. And our thanks to mall stores such as Macy's and Dillard's for not selling bulletproof vests to criminals -- although they could do something about those skimpy clothes for girls.

(Did I see what I thought WRBL showed - a quote from Mayor Bob Poydasheff, saying cases like this are why he wants to give police "hazardous duty pay?" Of all the times to bring up THAT topic! And besides, will $200 pay this officer's hospital bill?)

Another branch of public safety made news earlier in the day. Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson announced 17 people have been arrested in a crackdown on improperly registered sex offenders. And here's the most important news - as far as we know, deputies have shot absolutely none of them.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson says 188 convicted sex offenders are registered improperly in Muscogee County. They may not be registered at all. They may be listed with the incorrect address. Or they might really think "John Doe" is a good make-up name.

One of the 57 convicted sex offenders facing Muscogee County warrants was arrested in New York. So much for him going on the Montel Williams Show, to share his heartwarming story of turning around his life.

Over the years in Columbus, I've heard rumors about one big-name business executive being a convicted sex offender from California. But this man is NOT listed in the Georgia online records. And if I ask him about it in person, I think my chances for an insider's discount will go right out the window....

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: The last time a nearby neighbor fired a gun, he was drunk and it was scary. Here's how we described it in LaughLine five years ago:

25 Oct 00: About 11:30 Tuesday night, a man sat down on the porch two doors down from LaughLine World Headquarters - and fired a shotgun! As you might expect, we were shocked. After all, this was BEFORE the Mets took the lead over the Yankees.

(We'd told this man about our collision with a deer the other night, but apparently never explained it happened 200 miles away.)

We went to our door and asked the man about the loud bang we'd heard. "That was me," he said with the shotgun open. "You'd better close the door."

"Why did you do that?" we dared to ask.

"I'm crazy." (Isn't it refreshing to know some people aren't afraid to ADMIT this?)

"Same reason I burned my clothes in the yard and that other thing in the yard," the neighbor continued. The clothing we didn't remember - but he DID set fire to a couch pillow about 20 feet from our front door on a Sunday night a couple of years ago. We figured then he'd fallen asleep while smoking. Now we wonder if the man was testing his smoke detector battery.

"Close the door now," he repeated, more as a statement of fact than a threat. We did close our door - then quietly went to the phone and called 911. (Our window was open, so we talked almost in a whisper.) Then we went back to watching the baseball game - prone on the floor. Now we know how New Yorkers will feel after one team wins the World Series.

About 15 minutes later came a loud knock at our door. We turned on the outside light and opened it only a couple of inches, our body angled so it wouldn't be in a line of fire -- but no one was there. Moments later, we heard police talking to the shooter. He admitted firing into the air, saying something about frustration with folks knocking on doors in the neighborhood. Wow -- we simply told the cable guy we didn't want service.

We finally opened the door, and found five police officers around. They took the shotgun shooter to jail, after asking about other weapons in his apartment. We don't know if he had any - but we wanted them to find his hunting license, while they were inside.

(This leads to our legal tip of the day: many libraries have books with forms you can copy - so you can update your will.)

27 Oct 00: Speaking of scary moments, we thought you'd want to know the neighbor who fired a shotgun Tuesday night made bail - and came home making loud threats against us. But since then, all has been quiet. Maybe he misread the calendar, and marked Halloween a week early?!

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.