30 OCT 07: TANKS FOR NOTHING
This lack of water in area lakes is really starting to get scary. The other day the LaGrange Daily News web site warned in a headline: "TROUP FACES 100% WATER REDUCTION." In other words, people will be reduced to having cats lick them for baths?!
The headline must have been a mistake, because the first line of the LaGrange Daily News story mentioned a need for Troup County to cut water usage "by 10 percent." Now that's more doable. I can cook my spaghetti in three quarts of water, less ten percent - simply by filling that sixth one-pint measuring cup to the top, then pouring a little bit down the sink.
But perhaps we should have seen this coming - a call to raise taxes, in the wake of Georgia's water problems. The suggestion came Monday from a surprising place: Rep. Richard Smith of Columbus. When a Republican calls for raising taxes, things are serious - especially when it's not a converted Republican, like Sonny Perdue.
In an e-mailed statement, Richard Smith calls for a one-percent sales tax to fund a "Statewide Water Management Plan" in Georgia. Somehow, I think borrowing leftover border fences from The Minuteman Project won't quite be good enough for this.
Rep. Richard Smith mentions the new one-cent sales tax seventh, in an eight-point plan of water solutions for Georgia. But at least he mentions a sales tax at all. Some candidates for President are making plenty of promises, but forgetting to bring out that H. Ross Perot pie chart showing how to pay for them.
The eight-point plan of Richard Smith includes a requirement that major Georgia cities and counties convert septic tank systems over the next five years to "an integrated sewer system." It's sad to learn parts of Georgia still aren't integrated, almost 40 years after the death of Dr. King.
Another point in Richard Smith's plan would require all Georgia cities and counties to "return a minimum of 75 percent of the water they withdraw back to their source." Is this really a good idea? Some bars might turn it into a weird promotion to sell beer - if (ahem) you know what I mean....
Several of Richard Smith's suggestions specifically are aimed at stopping septic tanks. His statement puts the reason for this in all-capital letters: "WATER THAT ENTERS A SEPTIC TANK WILL NOT MAKE IT BACK INTO THE RIVER IN OUR LIFETIME." It's almost like Smith is trying to force us to have septic shock.
Rep. Richard Smith says a long-term plan is needed because "this is not the last drought we will have to deal with." I could point him to a few preachers who say otherwise - and say the U.S. will go under by 2010.
Richard Smith says Georgia cannot conserve its way out of its current water crisis. But some places are trying. As of Wednesday, Columbus Technical College will shut off its drinking fountains until further notice -- which could make it the first completely BYOB college in Georgia history.
Muscogee County school officials assured WXTX "News at Ten" Monday night they've stopped watering athletic fields. This is potentially great news for The Home Depot -- which could become the official supplier of green paint to Kinnett Stadium.
(Yes, some football fields are painted green. My dad taught me this, when he recalled how he went through World War II training at the Los Angeles Coliseum - a field where he said grass didn't grow. Maybe that's the real reason why the National Football League is playing games in London, and not there.)
E-MAIL UPDATE: Monday's trip to the InBox included a response to a couple of items....
Sir Richard:
Tut Tut Ol' boy! My phone number IS listed on page #279 it's the 25'th item from the bottom in the far right hand column. Give me a call anytime!
On the other hand - the mare is shy almost to the point of being reclusive. You might be able to catch her at the Jet Center. It's listed on page #167 and it' listed as the 20/21 items in the left hand column. Or if she really gets careless you might catch her at City Hall (334) 667-7771.
If you get to actually talk to her; you will do far better than I and a barrage of media folks! Don't waste your time!!
Stay tuned there is much more to come!!!!
Constable R.J. Schweiger
PS my address is incorrect.
RJS
Now hold on here - the small town of Hurtsboro has 279 pages in its phone book?! The ads for attorneys must be even bigger there than I thought....
Constable Schweiger and I must be examining different telephone books. The old BellSouth and new AT&T Columbus directories do NOT show his name in the main listing - and the section with Hurtsboro phone numbers totals only five pages. It's so small that the Constable can chart out exactly which people have left town.
Another e-mail does some Monday (I don't know if it was morning) quarterbacking:
Carver has a great football team...Remember before Charlie Flowers left for another job out of Cols he was encouraging football players,esp.from Shaw,to transfer to Carver?...Well,this winning team is the one Charlie built...
Did Coach Flowers really do that?! Then how many parents were offered jobs at the Miller brewery in Albany, before he went to Dougherty High?
Now for other highlights from what would have been my mother's 83rd birthday....
+ Which local place of learning is apologizing, after putting out a noose at a Halloween display? Are dozens of old Western movies going to need re-editing?
+ A dark red Cadillac crashed through the front door of Wild Bill's Party Shop on Buena Vista Road. This is NOT the right way to determine if your car is wine-colored.
+ Auburn University hosted an event called "Cotton, from Blue to Green." Students were encouraged to turn in old denim jeans, to be recycled as home insulation. If you buy this insulation and feel cool spots in your living room, maybe the jeans had holes in them.
+ The Georgia Agriculture Department announced a recall of Kroger salmon dip, because it might contain listeria. So why doesn't the store simply remove the germs with Listerine?
+ Atlanta's baseball team traded shortstop Edgar Renteria to Detroit. The last straw may have come when he demanded Aaron Rents open stores for Hispanic customers, and name them after him.
+ Instant Message to the operator of the RiverCenter clock above Ninth Street: Hmmmm. Either you switched back to standard time one week too soon -- or my Monday evening run lasted a negative-32 minutes, and I can be that "Journeyman" character on TV.
BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Bars of soap for 20 cents, with a Walgreens coupon.... FREE tacos from 2:00-5:00 p.m. at Taco Bell (one per person).... FREE mud from the middle of the Chattahoochee River, merely by walking out from Tenth Street in Phenix City....
COMING WEDNESDAY: Would you pay nearly 50 dollars to hear a preacher? In Columbus, you can....
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