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12 SEP 04: LAND OF THE LOST?

We have a couple of e-mail topics to consider this weekend. Our main event concerns an upcoming vote in Columbus:

I'm curious, what is your stand on the upcoming lost tax and the "negotiations" between the Fraternal Order of Police and The City Council? Do you think that the citizens of Columbus have been well informed of what the FOP is requesting of Council, or do you think that they are just asking for more money for raises?

What's my stand? At this point, I'm simply LOST in thought about it....

For those who may not know: LOST stands for Local Option Sales Tax. It's a one-cent tax Columbus city officials want you to approve in November. City Manager Carmen Cavezza warns if it fails, there could be government layoffs - which is a sure way to get Republicans to vote against it.

City officials are holding forums across Columbus to answer your questions about LOST. At the first one last Thursday, they explained a sales tax increase would mean lower property taxes. Now this is unfair! The city went all the way to
Georgia's Supreme Court to keep a property tax freeze - and now it could be dumped.

One well-known Columbus figure expressed his opposition to the LOST at Thursday's forum - veterans' activist Jim Rhodes. Maybe if an exception was made for U.S. flags, and items bought at Ranger Joe's....

I'm not familiar with "negotiations" between Columbus Council and the Fraternal Order of Police - but that group of officers once opposed the LOST, and now supports it. Someone I know dared to say the other day the F.O.P. "pulled a
John Kerry."

(I suggested to that man the group's name should change to Fraternal and Local Order of Police - if it really pulled a flip-FLOP.)

While the Fraternal Order of Police now supports the LOST, the Police Benevolent Association still seems to be leaning against it. Maybe the P.B.A. is waiting to see where the candidates for Sheriff and Marshal stand on it - which amazingly could turn this into an argument of "white tax, black tax."

Are Columbus citizens "well informed" about what the F.O.P. wants? It's just my opinion, but I'd tend to say no. I've heard about too many phone calls where citizens can't figure out which TV station has the "Problem Solvers."

The Fraternal Order of Police isn't helping Columbus citizens, when it comes to informing them of what it wants. For one thing, the only phone numbers I see on billboards are for city officials - with not one for a concerned police officer.

Is the Fraternal Order of Police "just asking for more money for raises?" Well, it doesn't have to ask for more money for guns. We've learned in recent weeks that Marshal Ken Suddeth can come up for the money for those....

My main concern over this issue is the abbreviation for this proposed sales tax: LOST. I doubt any sincere church pastor would support this - because he'd want people to be saved instead.

On the other hand, this tax question might pass if Columbus city officials market it properly. For instance:

+ The money will buy new street lights - or you'll be "LOST in the dark."

+ If the money will improve the Space Science Center, say so - that it's "LOST in Space."

+ Allocate money for animal control - so dogs can be "LOST and found."

E-MAIL UPDATE: We said we had a couple of topics - and here's the second one, which is more of a fan letter:

Richard,

I'm writing to tell everyone that Robbie Watson is back. Robbie is intelligent, educated, informative, and most of all a best friend to me. It has been a long time coming for her and she deserves it. She was the best sports broadcaster at WTVM Channel 9 and she will be the best talk line host. She is
definitely respected by her peers, family and friends. What a great person to know and to have as your friend. Archway has a jewel on their hands!!!

A friend to Robbie,

Taffy Keller

Hoover, Alabama

Taffy, I'm not sure what to make of this. The last time e-mail to our blog praised someone so much, that person was running for Superior Court Judge.

I worked with Robbie Watson several years ago, and I wish her well as the host of WRCG's "TalkLine." But I can recall a few times when I had to give her guidance and assistance. Take the Monday afternoon around 4:00 p.m., when I stunned her by mentioning a rain-delayed NASCAR race....

My current schedule does not allow me to hear Robbie Watson on TalkLine. But it was interesting to read her quote in the Ledger-Enquirer about WRCG going "too far to the left." I never realized D.J. Jones was such a liberal.

Now other notes from a surprisingly rainy weekend:

+ Northside High School won its first varsity football game ever, beating Columbus High 28-14.. NOW will visitors to Northside Park be allowed to walk on the practice field?

+ Georgia Tech stunned Clemson in college football 28-24 -- a game Clemson should have won, except a fourth-down punt in the final minute was botched on a bad snap, leading to a Tech touchdown. They call Tiger Stadium "Death Valley," but on this night Dr. Jack Kevorkian showed up.

(It took about 30 years, but we've finally found a sequel for Auburn's "Punt 'Bama Punt." Maybe this should be called "Roll Tigers Roll.")

+ WDAK revealed Scott Miller was considered for the Auburn University sportscasting job, after Jim Fyffe died last year. Could you imagine Miller and Larry Munson talking with each other before an Auburn-Georgia game? They'd both be so negative that neither team might want to leave the locker room.

+ I mentioned the change of B-101 FM to "The Beat" to some teenagers in the church congregation I attend. One girl said she'd already switched to "Rock 103." She should be thankful our Pastor was nowhere near that conversation, because her whole family might be in big trouble.

+ Instant Message to WXTX: Was it really a good thing to have Joshua McKinney ask viewers during the 10:00 p.m. news if he should buy Semone Doughton a steak dinner? In other cities, I think TV stations arrange to have these things catered.

BLOGGER'S NOTE: Daily blogging may diminish in the next couple of weeks, as we prepare for a fall vacation....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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11 SEP 04: REMEMBER US?

"I was going to ask what day it is," said the middle-aged woman with an open checkbook at a bread store today, "but how could you forget what day this is?" She couldn't - which amazingly puts her several steps ahead of the city of Columbus....

Governor Sonny Perdue called for all flags at Georgia state buildings to fly at half-staff today. But exactly two years after its dedication, September 11th found the big flag outside the Columbus Civic Center at the top of the pole. Did Mayor Poydasheff ever get home from his wedding anniversary trip, to take charge of these things?

One mile down the street, Carl Gregory Dodge flew its flag at half-staff. Yet the only difference I noticed by the city of Columbus was a ten-minute delay in the Saturday midday siren test. Considering Bob Riley suggested people in his state stop at noon for prayer, perhaps this IS the gateway to Alabama.

(Yes, I noticed the flag all the way up the pole at tonight's Georgia Tech-Clemson game. But I'd expect that sort of behavior at a bastion of "liberal academia," even in the South.)

But back to the bread store across town: a woman behind the counter there recalled the September 11^th attacks and said, "It's gonna happen again. I'm sure of it." That's a scary thought - but at least none of the bread in this store was sealed with duct tape.

I found out too late about Thursday night's downtown prayer service, so I didn't go this year. After all, the congregation I attend had a weekly service today ON the actual day. And knowing this group, some members might give fallen soldiers a 21-gun salute in the parking lot.

Yet I somehow had a funny feeling all day this worship service wouldn't go according to form. For one thing, the Pastor went ahead with a planned "weekend off" after the attack three years ago. And he just finished a two-week vacation on the west coast - while the rest of us will have to take ours during an upcoming church convention.

My suspicions were confirmed as the service went along. The Pastor led a prayer for September 11^th and hurricane victims during announcement time - then came back for a sermon on "The Importance of Right Eating." Right eating?! As if a good breakfast will make you less likely to keep the murder and stealing commandments?

The Pastor admitted he was "preaching to the choir" with his message - and indeed he was. A big crowd was on hand for this service, but I quickly concluded the extra visitors were NOT there to think about September 11^th. They were on hand for the big church dinner afterward.

Yes, our congregation chose September 11^th for a big annual "sit-down dinner." Which is strange to me, because we never have any stand-up dinners....

(Well, then again we HAVE had stand-up dinners a time or two. After dinner, I did a short stand-up comedy routine.)

I was asked to bring wine to the church dinner. Yes, we DO believe it's OK to drink in moderation - but I tend not to do it. When you're a single guy like me, YOU are the designated driver.

I bought a big bottle of Livingston burgundy wine for the church dinner - only to bring it in and find at least four others with the same label on the wine table. We strive to be united as a congregation in all we do. So apparently we all figured
out which bottle of wine was the best bargain at Winn-Dixie.

A fellow single man pointed out something I hadn't noticed as the dinner ended. He said someone brought the same jug of wine for the third year in a row! I never dare to do this, when people don't touch the brownies I bring....

"It's been two years, and we still haven't emptied this," said the other man of a jug of Carlo Rossi Blush. He told me the first time it was brought, it wasn't even opened. It was opened last year -- and now it was about one-quarter full. Yet I'd guess a Baptist holds the world record, for the longest time taken to empty a wine bottle.

The dinner was very nice, from elegant place settings to strawberry cheesecake - yet I was still puzzled as I drove home tonight. Why didn't my Pastor present a sermon tied to what he calls the "modern-day Pearl Harbor?" Did he somehow
forget this - or did he present a message on eating because he's been fasting for days?

Lest I pick on my own congregation: Glenn Anthony Baptist Church picked September 11^th to hold its "AWANA Kickoff Luau." If the Muslim terrorists had won, we wouldn't be eating luaus - at least not with pork as the main dish....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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10 SEP 04: TWO-CHINA POLICY?

Fort Benning's rush to declare things off-limits to soldiers finally went too far Thursday. Two restaurants were added to the list - and one of them hasn't been in business for months! Someone should give the commanders directions to these places, before the brass bans them.

The two additions to Fort Benning's list are the China Inn Express on Victory Drive, and the China King Express on Veterans Parkway. Trouble is, China King shut down months ago - so once again there are problems with military intelligence.

Fort Benning apparently didn't realize the China King Express near Eighth and Veterans Parkway has closed. In fact, something else opened there last spring -- a name blog readers will recall: Mac Daniel's Burger Park! [3 Jun] That place can't even get free publicity when Benning bans it.

(By the way, I'm told Mac Daniel's Burger Park now is closed as well -- so more people in the Historic District may be vegetarians than I realized.)

So why is China Inn Express, well, out? When I first heard about Fort Benning's announcement, I wondered if the cooks on Victory Drive are top-secret spies for Beijing....

But a Fort Benning spokesperson explained it very differently. China Inn Express now is off-limits because drivers made deliveries on post, and tried to "solicit business" without the Army's permission. C'mon, you drivers - leave the soliciting to the Victory Drive nightclubs.

The Fort Benning staff claims China Inn Express's drivers were told to stop asking for customers inside the gate - but the restaurant would change drivers, and the problem would start all over again.. How many Benning privates say the same sort
of thing, when a drill sergeant gets promoted?

Because of violations, China Inn Express no longer is allowed to deliver food inside Fort Benning. This ought to make for some interesting scenes - as soldiers and cooks arrange secret chow mein deals at Victory Drive motels.

(What could be so bad about Fort Benning soldiers buying food from this Chinese restaurant? Did it refuse to sell "General Tsu" chicken or something?)

Is Fort Benning doing all this because it neglected to ban a different sort of business? Soldiers told a U.S. House hearing Thursday they were tricked into signing high-priced life insurance policies on post. Of course, some would argue soldiers signed their lives away when they enlisted....

The soldiers told House members drill sergeants invited them to meetings at Fort Benning, in which they were led to think they were enrolling in savings or mutual fund plans. Instead, it was life insurance they didn't really need -- and you
shouldn't buy "whole life" when your whole life is ahead of you.

The "American Amicable Life Insurance Company" was singled out as the offending company, at both Fort Benning and Camp Pendleton, California. Executives told the House hearing they've fired the agents who sold expensive policies. So how many of them sent resumes to AFLAC?

Now some quick things to close the week:

+ The Columbus Civic Center presented comedian Ron White on his "Drunk In Public" tour. Why should I buy tickets for a show like this, when I can walk down Broadway and see it for free almost any weekend?

+ Troy University stunned Missouri in college football 24-14. As a Kansas graduate, I can't help giggling over this upset - until I remember Kansas isn't ranked, Missouri was, and my Jayhawks struggled to beat Tulsa.

+ Instant Message to the muscular man I saw wearing sunglasses but no shirt, riding a bicycle down Wynnton Road: Well, at least you were heading west - and that's the right direction to Malibu.

COMING SOON: Some "lost" e-mail.... and a look back to Jesse Jackson's last Columbus visit....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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9 SEP 04: JUST BEAT IT

The talk inside Columbus radio stations Wednesday involved a sudden change at WBFA-FM. "B-101" is out, and "101.3 The Beat" is in. So the answer for, "To B or not to B, that is the question" suddenly has changed.

The old B-101 called itself the "number-one hit music channel." The new 101.3 The Beat claims to be the "new number one for hip-hop and R&B." With either format, I think the only way this station is "number one" is if you start at the left end of the FM dial, and turn it right.

Clear Channel Radio apparently dropped the B-101 bomb Tuesday, without telling some staff members. I'm hearing the evening announcer showed up for work, and was told he wasn't needed anymore. Maybe he'll run into old "TalkLine" host Russ Hollenbeck at the VFW Job Fair today....

(Now hold on a minute here! Was this evening announcer white? If he's suddenly disqualified from playing hip-hop and soul music, isn't that racial profiling?)

Clear Channel is introducing 101.3 The Beat by promising to play "10,000 songs in a row, commercial-free." I did the math on this, and it computes to about 30 days of non-stop music. Yet another Columbus station refuses to put Georgia Tech football games on radio.

(Oh, excuse me - I didn't use proper street slang. The Beat calls it "rolling 10,000 JOINTS in a row." I don't think this ever happened in any Cheech and Chong movie -- not even in their dreams.)

Another feature of The Beat is the occasional "back in the day" song. I've been meaning to ask about this for a long time. When WAS "the day," anyway? Did anyone tell me in advance it was coming? Was I given sufficient time to prepare for it?

Not everything has changed with the arrival of The Beat. Take what an announcer says at the top of the hour: "WBFA, Smiths/Columbus." Apparently Clear Channel hasn't heard the news - it's a city called Smiths STATION now.

This change is Clear Channel's latest challenge to Davis Broadcasting - as The Beat clearly is aimed to pull listeners away from "Foxie-105 FM." We mentioned recently that WFXE has lost one-third of its audience in the last year [16 Aug]. Maybe The Beat decided they're all finishing their jail terms.

It's interesting to line up these two radio chains side by side. Clear Channel now has The Beat, while Davis has Foxie 105. Clear Channel has "Hallelujah 1460," while Davis has WEAM. Clear Channel has Magic 98.3, while Davis has K-95.7. You see -- Archway Broadcasting is still white-bread and right-wing after all.

Clear Channel Radio remembered to change the B-101 web site, to reflect the station's new format. The old site allowed you to join the "Rate B Music Club," and evaluate new songs. Maybe that was the problem - too many musicians were B-list celebrities.

So what will happen to the B-101 broadcasters? Program Director Wes Carroll has another job to fall back on - announcing Georgia Championship Wrestling matches, where at least the turnovers tend to be in the script.

The change at B-101 FM follows a sudden drop in the ratings. The station lost half its audience between last fall and this past spring. Of course, this could be a positive sign - as these teenagers graduated from high school early, and went to
college in other states.

Speaking personally, I didn't listen to that old FM station at all. After all -- B-101? I'm still young enough that I don't want to be 51.

With B-101 throwing away its pop music hits, the only Columbus station left with that sort of music is WCGQ. Just think - we could be one lightning storm away from never hearing Avril Levigne on local radio again.

Oh, before I forget - Instant Message to Robbie Watson: I told you so. Several years ago, I said you'd make a great talk show host. And now that you're the new host of WRCG's "Talkline" - well, do you need an agent?

Today's topic was the result of a reader's tip. To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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8 SEP 04: A MIGHTY WIND

The strong gusts of wind stopped blowing across the Columbus area Tuesday - and by nightfall, things were almost calm. I recalled other recent Tuesday nights and thought to myself, "Which election did I miss?"

These were no politicians - it was the last gasp of Hurricane Frances, knocking down trees by the dozen and knocking out power for thousands of people. All in all, I'd rather see "Francis the Talking Mule."

Georgia Power estimates at least 10,000 customers in the Columbus area lost electricity. Some people might not have it back until Thursday -- and for families with children, this could pose a challenge. With no X-Box or Game Boy systems
running, they have to settle for old-fashioned "BORED games."

One of the neighborhoods hit hardest by the storm was Green Island Hills. A wooden street-corner marker for Green Island Drive was knocked down - which should make things fun at Columbus Council, when city crews try to install a green "large-print" metal sign to replace it.

The storm damage wasn't merely confined to Columbus. Parts of metro Atlanta lost power - and Governor Sonny Perdue admitted he shaved Tuesday "with a flashlight." If Georgia had a Democrat as Governor, he'd wield a lot more "power"
than this....

As of late Tuesday night, only Taylor County schools had decided to cancel classes today. Hundreds of people there remain in the dark - about the Civil War, the state flag, race relations; and even their electricity.

I'm thankful to report my corner of Columbus never lost power at all during the storm. I pulled out a small battery-powered travel clock as a precaution - which come to think of it might be a nice change from hearing Don Imus's voice first
thing in the morning.

It was surprising to dial around the radio late Monday night, as the rain and wind reached their peak. The only station which seemed to have live storm reports was "107-Q" FM. That station has news scoops about as often as "Rooster 106" plays a Britney Spears song.

(For all the talk from Clear Channel Radio about offering its listeners a valuable public service, its stations seemed to do hardly anything Monday. This sets a dangerous precedent - and terrorists might choose to attack Columbus on
Thanksgiving.)

The WCGQ announcers made it sound like traffic lights all over Columbus were being turned sideways by the storm. So when I drove to work Tuesday, I tried to avoid as many intersections with stop lights as I could. For once, I was like those
crazed drivers of sport utility vehicles on the freeway....

Yet as I traveled downtown and up Wynnton Road, I didn't see any traffic lights out of line at all. Maybe Columbus city crews brought in some professionals to reset things - like the staff from Peach Bowl.

Even the tunnel connecting Wynnton Road and 11^th Street was open with no flooding - you know, the tunnel teenage drivers honk their horns in all the time, showing they've never driven in New York.

When these tropical storms approach, I'm always reminded of what a WRBL reporter did during hurricane season a few years ago. Katie Crecente was a sweet, downright attractive young woman. But for some reason, she stood in front of a storm satellite map one day wearing a raincoat and plastic hat - inside a studio. [True!]

The hurricane evacuation sign came off the Columbus Civic Center marquee Tuesday. In a way, this disappointed me - since the sign openly will promote a "DRUNK IN PUBLIC" comedy concert for the next couple of days. Which one would the Chamber of Commerce rather see up there?

If you're still here from Florida and waiting for things to settle down back home, we understand. Stay as long as you wish - and don't forget to buy a few gas cans, because it appears you're going to need them.

BLOG UPDATE: Fort Benning tacked two businesses onto its "off-limits" list for soldiers Tuesday. One was a big surprise - "Drive 1 of Columbus," a car dealer on Victory Drive. If Phenix City's Council declared this place off-limits, we might understand....

It's not clear why Drive 1 was marked down by Fort Benning's commanders. WRBL reported soldiers had complained of shady dealing there. If that's the real reason, every transmission shop in Columbus may join this list in the next few weeks.

The owner of Drive 1 says he was given no reason for the Fort Benning ban. He speculates soldiers who bought cars developed "buyer's remorse." And imagine how they feel after a quickie wedding....

Doesn't this sound strange - Fort Benning barring soldiers from visiting a used car lot?! What sort of "buyer incentives" might Drive 1 be offering? Might they happen to involve any nightclubs down the street?

The other new business on the "Benning ban" list is The Fire House club - which some people say should have been there all along. Maybe if the staff had raised as much money for "Jerry's Kids" as the real firefighters....

Some downtown businesses are concerned that rowdy soldiers might move their way. So starting this weekend, Broadway bars will enforce a "dress code." The two-drink minimum might be replaced by two stripes.

SONG OF THE DAY: In light of the latest additions to Fort Benning's "verboten list," Wayne Bennett inspired me to put a new local twist on an old December song:

You'd better watch out, Fort Benning guys!

Visit wrong clubs -- that's not very wise!

General Freakley's coming to town!

They're making a list - checking it twice.

Gonna track down purveyors of vice.

General Freakley's coming to town!

When good G-I's are sleeping, he sends out the M-P's,

To see if soldiers break the rule, that you don't go where you please!

Don't go to that bar, or that motel -

Even that place where used cars they sell!

General Freakley's coming to town!

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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for 7 SEP 04: STORMY MONDAY

It didn't take long Monday to see the impact of the approaching Tropical Storm Frances. A little after 9:00 a.m., I saw a man walking down Veterans Parkway with important provisions for the weather. He was carrying a 12-pack of Coors Light.

At Veterans and J.R. Allen Parkway, a makeshift sign pointed people to the "Hurricane Evacuation Route" - only the part with those words was partially tipped over. Was Lowe's out of nails, as well as plywood and generators?

(Which reminds me - why does the hurricane evacuation route lead people south through Columbus? Isn't Frances heading our way FROM the south? Did Uptown Columbus Inc. lobby for this?)

A short trip near Whitesville Road found sprigs of pine trees strewn across the asphalt. As cloudy as it was, you'd almost think it was the last week of December instead of the first Monday in September - and a few stores probably have Xmas decorations up already, anyway.

In parts of Columbus, outer bands from Tropical Storm Frances caused damage Monday. Pine trees broke and fell on a couple of mobile homes. At times like this, you wonder why those homes aren't REALLY mobile - with people moving them out of the way.

Several Red Cross shelters in Columbus and Phenix City have plenty of visitors from Florida. In fact, I hope the evacuees in Phenix City don't find out about Glenwood School - because they might sue for ripping off the "Gators" idea.

The approach of Frances caused so much concern that WRBL showed weather updates and radar maps on the screen for part of the day, instead of the phone number for the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Hopefully viewers didn't become confused, and think Jerry Lewis was developing green splotches on his skin.

(So much for that station having a "First Alert." When the telethon ended, they joined a women's tennis match in progress - then went right into "Jeopardy!" at 7:00.)

If the weather experts are right, the center of Frances should come right over Columbus today. So don't be surprised to see Columbus State women's basketball coach Jay Sparks outside - because he loves to recruit new centers.

Several school districts decided NOT to have classes today. Americus schools are closed, as they were part of the day Friday - but at least the storm finally should put out that peanut fire once and for all.

I was a bit surprised to hear Valley and Chambers County schools are closed today. But then again, some people there probably can't wait for flooding - so they can go fishing on their front porches.

It became so breezy Monday afternoon that two little flags I put in my front porch mailbox for Labor Day blew around a bit. I put out both the U.S. and Canadian flags - but I'm sorry, I'm stubborn enough to refuse to spell labor with a "U."

(I should note I'm the only person in my complex who flies a flag on holidays such as Labor Day. Other residents think it's enough simply to put out the gas grill.)

My power flickered a couple of times Monday night - so that's why I'm posting this well before midnight. Here's hoping Georgia Power didn't send ALL its crews to Florida....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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6 SEP 04: THIS SPAM TASTES FUNNY

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: With all my supplies purchased for the hurricane we're told is NOT coming to Columbus, I'm taking Labor Day off from writing jokes. Instead, I offer a collection that's been embedded in e-mail spam I've received in recent months. Have a nice holiday -- and who knows, maybe these will be an improvement:)

A notoriously absent-minded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter, the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said: "Good evening, professor. How are you?"

"Well," answered the professor, "I thought I was all right when I left home, but now I don't know what's the matter with me. I've been limping for the last half-hour."

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden. While he was sawing, another man passed in the street. He stopped and said, "Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it." He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.

Nasreddin said nothing. He thought, "This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do." The man continued on his way. Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and
Nasreddin fell with it.

"My God!" he cried. "That man knows the future!" and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live. But the man had gone.

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm
really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been
treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week."

He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes. The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."

"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"

"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.

"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her, "Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".

Bertha was a very pretty girl. Quite a lot of young men wanted to marry her, but she was not satisfied with any of them. One day, one of the young men came to visit her and asked her to become his wife. She answered, "No, John, I won't marry
you. I want to marry a man who is famous, who can play music, sing and dance very well, who can tell interesting stories, who does not smoke or drink, who stays at home in the evenings and who stops talking when I'm tired of listening."

The young man got up, took his coat and went to the door, but before he left the house, he turned and said to Bertha, "It isn't a man you're looking for. It's a television set."

A guy sits down in a Café' and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

In some Government offices the clerks, upon arrival in the morning, have to sign their names in an "attendance book." This book provides space for signature, time of arrival, and "remarks." Ten minutes after the hour and official draws a red line under the last arrival's name, and all those coming subsequently are expected to furnish an explanation of their tardiness in the "remarks" column. When a real "London particular" occurs the number "below the line" is legion; the first of them writes: "Delayed by fog," and the rest scribble a "ditto."

One morning -- a foggy one -- Mr. Jones became a proud father; but even this only caused him to be about eleven minutes late. Proudly he wrote in explanation: "Wife had twins," which was followed in due course by the usual string of "ditto's."

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on
Track 1?"

Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."

The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?"

"He's never seen a train wreck before."

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening. Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things. One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully. Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is." answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too, isn't that, Tom?"

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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5 SEP 04: A MESSAGE TO MICHAEL

We'll get to the two big local stories of the weekend - but hopefully you'll understand if I put my family first. Today marks a milestone for Mike, my older brother. He's turning 55! Now that he's reached the speed limit, I hope he'll be careful not to drive above it.

Mike is nine years older than I am, so he was the first in our family to do a lot of things. The first to be married, to graduate from college, to become a father and a grandfather - hey, wait a minute! I've never checked to see if he has his own blog....

Mike always had the edge when we were young, when it came to family competitions. He knew how to win at Monopoly (he HAD to have the race car token). He often humbled me at tennis. And in softball - well, I still have trouble hitting slow-pitch out of the infield today.

Mike was a teenager when the Beatles hit it big, and he collected as many albums as he could. He even had an electric guitar - but sadly, they didn't invent "Nashville Star" for another 40 years.

I always bring up my brother when people try to put down chemistry as a college major. After all, Mike has a bachelor's degree in chemistry from Kansas -- and even some graduate hours. I'm sure the knowledge has come in handy, during his
years driving trucks.

I wanted to surprise my brother by driving to Kansas City for his 55^th birthday, much as I went there when he turned 50. But sadly, my schedule is so busy this year that I couldn't make the trip. Besides, he'd probably sucker me into moving around heavy church furniture with him again.

SPAM-A-RAMA: As my brother's 55^th birthday approached this past week, a curious e-mail arrived in the InBox - with a name on it matching my older brother:

Dear Burkard,

I am Barrister Marcel Upaa , I am the Personal Attorney to Engr.Michael Burkard national of Your country, who used to work with shell development Company in Nigeria.

On the 21st of April 2002, my client, his wife and Their three children were involved in a car accident Along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road. Unfortunately they All Lost their liv es in the event of the accident, since Then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to Locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his Relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of His family but of no avail, hence I contacted you.

Did my brother somehow have a mysterious twin, which I never heard about? And if so, why didn't we at least get a Shell gas discount from this man?

This "barrister" goes on to write the Burkard family had a $10 million Nigerian bank account, which is being offered to ME if I agree to be "next of kin." No wait - he adds I'd only get 30 percent of this, while he gets 60 percent. And you wonder why more people haven't sued Continental Carbon....

This curious offer had me wondering for a few days -- until when another spam message came this weekend. Now a FRANK Burkard's bank account is offered to me, after his entire family died in an African plane crash several years ago. I'm glad I never took up a former roommate's offer to visit his homeland of Nigeria. We might never have returned.

.BLOG UPDATE: The first sign of a big event in Columbus came Saturday afternoon, as I drove north to Ninth Street. All parking spaces were blocked from Veterans Parkway west to the river. Either the Vice President was coming to town, or I missed the first "Welcome Hurricane Victims" parade.

The five blocks of closed parking spaces was part of the city's security plan for a visit by Vice President Cheney to the Trade Center. You never know when some terrorist will buy fireworks in Russell County, and try to turn them into a roadside bomb.

I've been in Columbus long enough to know Ninth Street is usually a quite empty street on Saturday afternoons - so those closed parking spaces on the street were no big deal. There are times when it pays to have a downtown zone that's still
quite dead.

Vice President Cheney and his wife arrived at Columbus Metropolitan Airport around 6:00 Saturday night. But if his goal was to make an impact on the evening local news, he failed. Many people forgot it was the first weekend of college football, and the Wake Forest-Clemson game didn't finish until after 7:00.

Did you see the Vice President walk down the stairs from Air Force Two in a tuxedo? If you didn't know better, you might have thought he actually was going to a million-dollar fundraiser....

One incident occurred while Vice President Cheney was at the airport. Columbus Police say a 13-year-old tried to climb a security fence, and get on the tarmac. These School of the Americas protesters get younger all the time.

Assistant Police Chief Rick Boren indicated to WXTX "News at Ten" the 13-year-old was NOT arrested for climbing the airport fence. In fact, he might wind up in future commercials -- as the most enthusiastic visitor to the Columbus Airport in
years.

Hundreds of people lined up along Airport Thruway, hoping to get at least a glimpse of the Vice President as he traveled downtown. Many of them had to be surprised, as Dick and Lynne Cheney went by in a limousine - and NOT a Rob Doll
Nissan.

When the procession reached the Trade Center, the Vice President and his wife spent about an hour at the Third Ranger Battalion Ball. News reporters were NOT allowed inside the dance. What sort of precedent could this set next January - a
classified inaugural ball?!

(Which reminds me: if Laura Bush is "first lady," should we call Lynne Cheney the "second lady?" In this day of politicians cheating on their spouses, it doesn't sound quite right....)

People who attended the ball say Vice President Cheney gave a 15-minute inspirational speech, which ended with everyone giving him a standing ovation. Perhaps he encouraged the soldiers to get each other's names -- in case one of them decides to run for President in 30 years and brags about winning a Purple Heart in Iraq.

We're told Vice President Cheney was presented a polo shirt with the Third Ranger Battalion logo on it. If only his heart allowed him to play a sport like polo anymore....

It happened my Saturday evening running course was scheduled to go down the Riverwalk past the Trade Center. I started the run wondering if Secret Service agents would block my path. And I was a bit concerned, because the other direction found Golden Park holding both a fireworks show AND "dog night."

Along the Riverwalk at about Fifth Street I saw headlights in the distance. "I knew it," I said to myself. They're probably blocking off the Trade Center section for security reasons - though for some reason, Fort Benning hasn't put a checkpoint on its section of the Riverwalk.

Jogging north at Sixth Street, I passed a man sitting on a bench with a bicycle next to him. "I assume it's blocked off up ahead?" I asked.

"What?!?!" the man replied. Maybe he pedalled all the way here from Florida, to escape the hurricane.

Another block down, the reason for the headlights became clear. Two Columbus police scooters passed me heading south -- only they were clearing the path for a tow truck, hauling a third scooter which apparently broke down. I'll say one thing
for them: the truck put more light on that section of the Riverwalk than it's had in a couple of years.

It was about 8:20 p.m. when I reached the Trade Center - and without my knowing it, Vice President Cheney already had left. I faced no police blockade at all. There wasn't even one from twin couples holding hands in the twilight - what I call a "quadruped."

Air Force Two flew out of Columbus as night fell, passing over the Hardaway High football game at Kinnett Stadium. Vice President Cheney should have stayed in town for awhile -- as this game was probably a preview of the November election. Hardaway beat Upson-Lee 2-0.

So why didn't Vice President Cheney spend the night in Columbus? I now can reveal the Sheraton Hotel on Sidney Simons was the one which received the Secret Service security check a few days ago. Maybe the management will learn a lesson from this, and add Fox News Channel to its TV system.

Do you remember the last visit by a Vice President to Columbus? It was 1998, and Al Gore went to Columbus State University to examine the I-CAPP program. Some people will be surprised to learn he did NOT claim to invent it.

The Al Gore trip six years ago used Fort Benning's Lawson Army Airfield as the landing spot for Air Force Two. Dick Cheney's flight used the Columbus Airport. Those old stereotypes keep coming back, don't they? Democrats support more government involvement, while Republicans oppose it.

As the Vice President made his quick trip to Columbus, some visitors from Florida spent the night in hotels and shelters. Hurricane Frances finally came ashore, thankfully weakening a bit before it did. But incredibly, it moved in slower than some 80-year-old Florida drivers....

The Columbus Civic Center was set up as a "hurricane evacuation relief center" -- but when I checked it around 8:45 Saturday night, the parking lot was empty and the doors were locked. Apparently you're only expected to show up with only the clothes on your back during bankers' hours.

Then again, maybe all the evacuees from Florida were staying at Port Columbus. A small yard sign on the main driveway directed people toward the Civil War Naval Center. Damaged warships are a wonderful way to prepare you for the damage
awaiting back home.

Of course, our area is doing all it can to accommodate people fleeing the hurricane. How brilliant of Fort Benning to prepare for this storm weeks ago - by banning soldiers from several Victory Drive motels.

The Motel 6 and Days Inn on Victory Drive didn't look that filled with cars when I drove by them Saturday night. Come to think of it, we didn't have any evacuees at the church I attend earlier in the day. These Florida faithful probably have their "prayer closets" reinforced with concrete.

So where is Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff, while a top Republican visits town and the city prepares for possible remnants from a hurricane? I'm told he and his wife are out of the country, on a trip marking their 50^th wedding anniversary. We wish them well - but we'd feel a bit more comfortable if the mayor turned on his cell phone once in awhile.

It's been a late night with much to discuss, so it's time to wrap up the party with these short things:

+ A cold storage warehouse in Americus caught fire and burned for two days. In the process, a record may have been set -- as millions of pounds of peanuts stored in the warehouse became "fresh roasted."

(Americus schools were closed at 12:00 noon Friday. Officials said it was due to smoke from the warehouse fire. I can't help wondering of the smell of those burning peanuts simply made all the students hungry.)

+ Auburn opened its college football season by shutting out Louisiana-Monroe 31-0. That's quite a change from the last two season openers, which were losses to Southern California. The only "S-C" Coach Tommy Tuberville wants to see for awhile is South Carolina - or maybe Sumter County.

+ The Columbus Catfish "dog night" promotion was postponed a day, because of "unplayable field conditions" Friday. You don't think that was because they tested the promotion with a bunch of pit bulls on the field....?!

+ Instant Message to Clear Channel Radio: Who hacked inside the WHAL-AM music computer of "gospel music" and added "Thunder Island" by Jay Ferguson? You know, the song with the line "My lady/ In the sun with your dress undone"? Some of us WERE paying attention....

COMING MONDAY: Don't delete this spam; you might miss something funny....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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3 SEP 04: FLEE-RIDA

Days of speculation were confirmed Thursday night, with the announcement that Vice President Cheney will visit Columbus this weekend. The reason why he's coming here seemed obvious - to appeal for votes from all the Florida residents who have moved here for a few days.

We welcome all the people who have taken refuge in Columbus from the approaching hurricane. And we encourage our guests to try to have some fun while they're here. For instance, try this tongue-twister: "My family fled Florida, afraid of Frances."

Motel rooms were full in many Georgia and Alabama cities Thursday, as people evacuated Florida. Valdosta, Macon and Eufaula reportedly had all their rooms booked -- which is big news, considering Eufaula is the only one you'd probably want to visit over Labor Day weekend.

Several Columbus motels tried to be merciful on evacuees, by offering the lowest rates they could. We're still waiting to see if the nightclubs on Victory Drive will be so cooperative....

Even the House of Mercy offered to take in people fleeing Hurricane Frances. Some long-term residents may meet visitors from Palm Beach - and wind up moving there with new jobs as domestic help.

Several Columbus stores were out of generators Thursday. Even before this, Home Depot reported it was out of bottled water. As if people GO to Home Depot to buy bottled water? Do you need it to make your new faucet work?

Isn't it interesting that in a Presidential election year, Florida is getting hit by two strong hurricanes only three weeks apart? It almost makes you wonder if Someone is trying to send a message, about who REALLY had more votes four years ago.

Given the rush of people into Columbus, you might wonder where Vice President Cheney will find a place to sleep after appearing in Columbus. It simply wouldn't look right for Rob Doll to put a mattress inside a Nissan SUV for him....

But don't worry about the Vice President. I'm told the Secret Service did a security sweep of a nice hotel near the airport earlier this week, in preparation for a visit. Clearly when it comes to the White House staff, membership has its privileges.

For some reason, Vice President Cheney will NOT make a public campaign appearance in Columbus. Instead, he'll visit a Third Ranger Battalion military ball at the Trade Center Saturday night -- and it's CLOSED to the news media! Maybe he'll be interviewing soldiers for jobs with Halliburton....

One other scheduled event for this weekend has been postponed. October 23 is the new date for the Civic Center's "Chaos in Columbus" boxing card. Between the evacuees from Florida and a Vice Presidential visit, we might have chaos anyway.

E-MAIL UPDATE: The Children's Miracle Network put down any rumors Thursday about its executive director - and seemed to aim the firehose directly at your blog. This message came first:

Richard,

Rather than making assumptions about why the CMN Director resigned, why don't you ask your "sources" about her recent engagement and upcoming marriage in October, not to mention the fact that she is moving next month. Of course, that did not cross your mind, I'm sure. We will encourage her to add you to the guest list...but be sure to bring a gift!

She has served the families and sponsors of CMN faithfully and tirelessly for years. She will be missed by all who have had the pleasure of knowing her. Her contributions to CMN far surpassed any of the expectations.

Wishing her well in her marriage......

A grateful CMN family

Thank you for the clarification - and no, my sources never mentioned Alexis Cantwell being engaged. They can be like some Paul Harvey news stories: "Just what, not why."

I wish Alexis Cantwell - uh, well in her marriage, too. Finding the love of your life can be a "miracle" as well. At least I've heard that, because I'm still looking for one....

I'll be happy to bring a gift to Alexis Cantwell's wedding in October, if I can make it. Let's see: maybe something with the letters "C-M-N" in it - naaah, I can't afford to buy her a condominium.

Not long after that came a supporting message from Alan Quin of Sunny 100 FM:

I'm an Alexis fan from way back. How possibly could Columbus Regional and CMN find anyone better to argue, fight, cry, laugh, celebrate success and still learn with all in an effort to do and gain the most for the Children's Miracle Network.

Anybody notice the $70k plus increase in telethon this year? Anyone notice the effort radio put in cross-promoting the event? Anyone notice it's close proximity to this year's radio-thon? Anyone notice we never gave anything more than hourly totals on the air last year during radiothon?

My challenge and charge to those who choose to be critical from the outside............get involved and encourage others to do the same........whatever your cause.

Negative is easy, positive is another issue.

AQ

Uh-oh -- I'd better not go to Georgia Freight and ask for the Reggie Foster special for awhile.

Our thanks to AQ for showing at least one fundraising event in Columbus did well this year. Maybe all those CMN telethon donors were moved to give, simply because they were happy not to watch hours of infomercials.

As for that thought for the day: "Negative is easy, positive is another issue" - just remember: a battery-powered radio can't work correctly without a little bit of both.

(And for the record: I'm an "Alexis fan" from way back, too -- only it was supermodel Kim Alexis, starting about 20 years ago.)

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Because of Thursday's twin breaking stories, our item about the Marshal will be delayed until another day....)

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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2 SEP 04: G'S FOR W

Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue declared a state of emergency Wednesday night. He said it was because of Hurricane Frances. But why am I thinking he's concerned about Zell Miller coming home and running against him in 2006?

Senator Zell Miller gave the keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, even though he says he'll remain a Democrat. The last time a U.S. Senator zig-zagged this much, the place may have been Chappaquiddick.

Local Democrats say Republicans can't accuse John Kerry of flip-flopping on issues, then turn around and have "Zig-Zag Zell" Miller speak at their convention. I think it's sort of like dating. If you change your mind away from me, you're wishy-washy and won't commit. If you change your mind toward me, you've converted to the truth.

No, I have NOT been watching the Republican Convention on television - just as I didn't watch the Democrats several weeks ago. In fact, so many speakers have said the same things over and over that I've concluded these parties really are secret cults.

(The TV event of the night for me was the Latin Grammy Awards - and I'm thankful to report there was NO repeat of last year's show. Long-time readers will recall that was the night my water heater leaked, and left a puddle in the living room.)

President Bush will give his big speech tonight, accepting the Republican nomination for a second term. Before he does, someone should ask him - is this election winnable?

To be "fair and balanced" like July [29 Jul], I returned to the Fundrace web site Wednesday night to check which local residents have donated to the Republican campaign. It turns out President Bush has far more $2,000 donors from Columbus than John Kerry does. In fact, what does it say when John Edwards still has more $2,000 donors than John Kerry?

The biggest political donor of all in town is investment banker Salvador Diaz Verson. He's given the Republican National Committee more than $25,000. If Diaz Verson isn't careful, he's going to donate his entire tax cut.

The list of $2,000 donors to President Bush's campaign is dominated by one name. AFLAC shows up as the employer of 11 different "maximum" supporters. So when will the duck walk through the White House Rose Garden in a commercial?

(I read online that AFLAC threw a big party at the Republican Convention in New York for Senator Saxby Chambliss. I wonder if the guests had to answer an "AFLAC Trivia Question" -- like naming the man Chambliss beat two years ago.)

Thanks to this election list, I learned the President and Chief Financial Officer of AFLAC lives a short walk from me on Front Avenue -- and Kriss Cloninger is a $2,000 donor to the Bush campaign. Now I know where to start, if I decide to sell my album door-to-door.

Several familiar corporate names are maximum donors to President Bush's campaign. There's Daniel Amos of AFLAC. There's Jim Blanchard of Synovus. There's Richard Ussery of TSYS. And there's Bill Heard -- who somehow has a road and highway named after him, while Bobby Peters still doesn't have either one.

The Bush campaign donation list also has $2,000 from both "Lawrence Hogan Mize" and his wife. You probably know him better as Larry Mize, the pro golfer. So where's the executive order, returning a P.G.A. tour event to Callaway Gardens?

(And how about this -- the Bush campaign has a $750 gift from Carver High School football coach Wallace Davis! It's a wonder he hasn't been pushed into speaking at the convention.)

It's a bit surprising to find three Columbus attorneys on the list of maximum donors to President Bush's campaign. You mean they're not supporting "trial lawyer" John Edwards? Hmmmm - maybe there's a bar exam which needs double-checking here....

Doctors ad medical professionals also fill the list of "W donors." For instance, Dr. Jack Hughston of Hughston Clinic fame made one donation of $540 before July 31. Wait a minute - $540? Now we know WDAK has a right-wing bias.

(If you're still in doubt about this: Mike Gaymon of the Chamber of Commerce has donated $150 - and he has a weekly WDAK talk show now.)

And for you conspiracy buffs: the donation list has $100 to the Bush campaign from "C.L. Patrick" of Carmike Cinemas. But don't you think he would have been paid that money back, to keep "Fahrenheit 911" out of his theatres?

Now for some Instant Messages which shouldn't be political at all:

+ To all critics of Muscogee County School Superintendent John Phillips: Have you recovered yet? I mean, from the news that he's a finalist for Georgia Superintendent of the Year....

(Given some of the things John Phillips has said and done, I imagine many people were surprised to learn he's in the final four for Georgia Superintendent of the Year. Maybe he moved that money allocated for a "chief of staff" to lobby for this.)

+ To the Columbus State University women's soccer team: Do you realize your opening home game Wednesday night at "The Farm" probably had more fans than the Columbus Catfish at Golden Park? They had a baseball doubleheader -- but of course, you probably had many more "headers."

+ To the driver behind me who honked his horn at Wynnton and Buena Vista Roads: Did you REALLY expect me to run that red light? Have you come to think everyone in Columbus does that?

+ To the couple I saw lying together on a Riverwalk bench at about 7:30 Wednesday morning: Did you two know each other when you finally woke up? And did you know where you'd been the night before?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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1 SEP 04: POOLE PLAY

Columbus NAACP President Edward DuBose went before Columbus Council Tuesday, to report a man was treated unfairly by a police officer last week. Come to think of it, when WAS the last time a civil rights group presented an award to the law officer of the year?

Ed DuBose illustrated his short presentation to Columbus Council by raising his hands in the air, then folding them like he was pointing a weapon. At moments like this, we're grateful the Government Center has security checkpoints - because
some overzealous officer might have shot DuBose on the spot.

Ed DuBose spoke in behalf of Paul Poole. Poole says he was in his car in a parking lot minding his own business, when a police officer pointed a gun at him and ordered him to get out. I've heard of getting stopped for "driving while black," but never "parking while black."

Paul Poole happened to fit a description of a suspect Columbus police were seeking, but he was NOT the right man. So did the officer overreact by pointing a gun in the car window? Or should we wait until Columbus Council gets a bill for a
new bullet-proof vest?

Paul Poole says he filed a complaint with Columbus Police about his treatment last week - but he has yet to receive a response. Tell us about it! David Glisson was fired more than six months ago, and he still doesn't know if he'll be indicted.

Paul Poole was peeved as well because when he filed his complaint with Columbus Police, it was taken down on a note pad. There was NO formal paperwork filled out, he says. This man truly is a rare breed - someone who likes government documents.

Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier explained sometimes police complaints actually ARE filled out on note pads, but they're still recorded. After all, imagine if Republicans had tried to fit every piece of the Whitewater investigation onto a single flow chart....

But back to the main point: Edward DuBose told Columbus Council Paul Poole easily could have become the next Kenneth Walker. Thankfully, that did not happen - but how far does DuBose want to go? Should police trade in all their guns for long inflatable balloons?

Councilor Mimi Woodson responded to Edward DuBose's story by saying she had her own complaint last weekend, involving the Sheriff's Department. Hmmmm - who was pulling up the Robert Taylor campaign signs?

Mayor Bob Poydasheff promised to look into these reports of law officers pushing their authority too far. After all, the officers might get the feeling they're running Columbus - and Fort Benning military officers already are trying to do that.

E-MAIL UPDATE: We mentioned last week a certain local charity had NOT announced the results of its annual radiothon. A reader in Birmingham whom we're keeping anonymous figured out it was the Children's Miracle Network, and sent us this:

Richard,

I called Clear Channel and they raised 19,000. I believe that they raised around 80,000 last year. That will hurt the tote board next telethon. I hate it.

Ouch! This could be the biggest cloud "Sunny 100" has faced in years....

I've now heard through several sources that Alexis Cantwell resigned as Children's Miracle Network director after last week's radiothon. I don't know if it was due to that fundraiser or not -- so I'll resist the urge to say CMN went to the Cantwell once too often.

Several big fundraisers in Columbus have fallen well short of their goals in the last year. The trend includes the Valley Rescue Mission telethon in March - but I think that was because too many people knew I'd be singing....

Still, the numbers from charity events are stunningly poor in the last 12 months. Valley Rescue Mission's telethon came in well under its goal. So did the Children's Miracle Network radiothon. And if the United Way sees another big decline this fall, it might have to start next year's campaign the day after this year's ends.

Now other tiny tidbits from Tuesday:

+ Police in Valley said a masked man with a gun held up a Waffle House at 3:30 a.m. Or as Elmer Fudd might report the story: "A wascal wobbed the waffle westauwant with a wifle."

(The suspect was last seen running toward the Valley Holiday Inn - so I guess we could say he wanted his Waffle House order scattered.)

+ Some parents at Talbotton-Central High School complained their children were suspended from class 50 days for getting in a fight. I can see why the parents would consider that harsh. In the National Hockey League, those teens would have
spent only five minutes in a penalty box.

+ Speaking of hockey: the Columbus Cottonmouths announced they'll open the season at home October 29 against Knoxville, then host the "Macon Trax" the next night. If you ask me, this nickname Trax sounds a bit C-D....

+ Washington Redskins team owner Daniel Snyder bought a portion of the Six Flags company, and talked like he may try to take it over. Imagine driving to Atlanta and seeing his influence - at the new, improved "Six Helmets Over Georgia."

COMING THURSDAY: Who says Columbus is a Democratic town?....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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31 AUG 04: DEPUTY DOGGED

Former Muscogee County Sheriff's Deputy David Glisson finally spoke out Monday about -- uh, about -- well, we hoped he'd talk about the shooting of Kenneth Walker. But after reading the Ledger-Enquirer interview, I was left with the feeling
Glisson wants to run for sheriff somewhere.

Attorney Richard Hagler would NOT allow the Ledger-Enquirer's Richard Hyatt to ask David Glisson any questions about the shooting of Kenneth Walker last December. Isn't this a bit like telling a reporter you can't ask President Bush any questions about Iraq?

(Come to think of it, I guess that explains the newspaper's headline for the interview: "Living with Restraint.")

The article on David Glisson reminded me of too many interviews on morning TV news shows. A newsmaker can't appear without his or her spouse. The newsmaker only has a couple of meaningful things to say. And if you try to pry something else out of them, they repeat those couple of things like they're programmed.

(Oh, by the way -- if Kenneth Walker is "Kenny" in the newspaper, shouldn't David Glisson be "Dave?")

The interview revealed David Glisson followed his uncle and three cousins into law enforcement. To quote the newspaper article: "we were all born and raised here and we all love Columbus." The reporter apparently failed to ask why Glisson now lives in Salem....

David Glisson was one of the founding members of the Metro Narcotics Task Force in 1989. He admits having long hair back then, but only wearing a fake earring. Now hold on - was this group looking for drugs, or cheap dates on Victory
Drive?

Ralph Johnson was one of David Glisson's supervisors when the Metro Squad began. That same Sheriff Johnson fired Glisson in February, in the wake of Kenneth Walker's shooting. Maybe this now explains why the Sheriff didn't name Glisson for weeks.-- Glisson was undercover so long, Johnson wasn't sure who he was.

As much as he's been portrayed as a cold-blooded gun handler, David Glisson says he never kept a weapon in his home. For one thing, Glisson brought up four children there. For another thing, some guys simply know how to leave their work at
the office.

If David Glisson has found a new job since his February firing, the Ledger-Enquirer article didn't reveal it. Instead, Richard Hyatt writes Glisson is accepting the fact he'll never be a law officer again. So that missing "person of interest" in Smiths Station is asked to drive to Glisson's house and surrender on his own.

Attorney Richard Hagler had the last word in the newspaper article, saying David Glisson is waiting on the sidelines for the Kenneth Walker investigation to play itself out. Hagler adds Glisson is "talked about as if he is an object rather than a human being." Is Hagler really surprised by that? If we can't see his face, he might not have one.

As it happened, one of the lead attorneys for Kenneth Walker's family was indicted Monday. Bill Campbell is accused of corruption and bribe-taking during his years as Atlanta Mayor. Oh no - do you think Campbell learned how to do this by
watching Olympic judges in 1996?

Bill Campbell told reporters the federal grand jury indictment against him was full of "lies from beginning to end." That's probably true of at least one national political convention, too - but we're trying to figure out which one....

Bill Campbell says a top F.B.I. polygraph expert recently gave him a lie detector test, and he passed it. How many losing candidates in Atlanta wish they'd demanded this of him years ago?

Now to make a quick end of things....

+ The Republican National Convention began in New York, with Muscogee County Chair Rob Doll serving as an alternate delegate. Do you count as half a minority group member if you sell Nissans for a living?

+ The Muscogee County School Board began public forums on a new "five-year plan." I can hear home-schoolers grumbling now - about how this board is just like the Communists under Josef Stalin.

+ A Columbus fire truck was called to Benning Park, after children apparently started a grass fire near the tennis courts. I happened to watch this scene -- and as usual, no one was ON the tennis courts. So it couldn't have been sparked by a wild serve.

+ Instant Message to Evangel Temple First Born Church: You emphasize clean living, right? So why does your big church bus have such dirty black fumes coming from the back?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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30 AUG 04: A FALLING OUT

"You're a genius," a co-worker told me one day last week. Oh no, I'm not. If I was a genius, this blog would have a paid sponsorship and a movie deal worth six figures by now....

I was reminded again Sunday both of why some people consider me a genius, and why I know I'm not one. It all began with a trip to the laundromat. I prepared for this Saturday night, by stocking up on one-dollar bills while on a couple of errands. At least my wallet felt fuller this way.

Problem #1: This laundromat's change machine often has trouble on weekends - and the attached dry cleaning business isn't open then. I checked at the front door, and noticed nothing unusual. But when I carried by hamper full of clothes
inside, the "out of service" light was on. Did I breathe on it too hard?

The hamper was hustled back into the car, and I drove to a nearby supermarket for quarters. I know from experience the small shops near this laundromat don't keep enough quarters stocked up - and they're a bit annoyed at this laundromat's
change machine having problems. Hey, at least it brings in extra customers....

I didn't want to offend the folks at the supermarket, so I bought a couple of bags of corn chips and asked for change as I bought them. Now I had a pocketful of quarters - and I felt like a former boss of mine, who used to boast about how he reported on news stories this way years ago. Yes, there was life BEFORE cell phones.

Back to the laundromat I drove, and a woman outside warned me about the change machine. "Yes, I know," I said, explaining where I'd just been. Too bad this place doesn't have a sign to flip on the front window for this.

The laundry work went well - at least until I was sorting out which clothes were dry and which needed extra time. Problem #2: my stack of wet stuff wanted to fall off the top of the dryer onto the floor. And it wasn't really wet enough to just sit there and make the laundromat even more humid.

Problem #3 came as I hustled some clothes on hangers to the car. A pair of slacks fell on the asphalt - then a shirt or two wanted to fall off my car hook into the back seat. Well, the "fall season" IS almost here.

Once the laundry finally finished, I drove toward home on Victory Drive - and noticed a clear stroke of lightning in the west. Before you ask: no, it appeared far north of South Seale Road....

I concluded rain was coming, so I needed to hustle the clean clothes into my home as soon as possible. There was more errands to run. The "alleged genius" side of me figured the rain would fall as I drove to my other stops - totally forgetting
lightning could strike my metal-framed car.

I grabbed items for the other stops and drove north. Problem #4: the wind from the approaching storm blew a huge piece of clear plastic across Veterans Parkway - and I drove right over it, then looked in my rear-view mirror and saw nothing. Either it stuck to my grill, or something new is catching leaking water.

Much as I expected, rain began falling as I drove north on I-185 toward Troup County. Problem #5: I suddenly realized I had no windshield wiper on the driver's side of the car. I guess it fell off somewhere in the last few days - or then again, a beggar could have been desperate for something to swap for dinner.

How many days had I driven without a windshield wiper? Some genius I am - because I honestly have no idea. It's wanted to come loose from time to time for months, and I couldn't figure out how to make it stay on properly. Well, short of getting out a tube of Krazy Glue....

The passenger's side windshield wiper still was on, so I used it to keep moving up I-185 - but as I did, the stub where the other wiper should be slowly cut a groove into my windshield. Sadly, it wasn't cold enough for the rain to turn to ice and work on that groove like a Zamboni.

The showers thankfully were spotty, so I made it to LaGrange without much windshield damage. Driving around town, I discovered Jimmy Swaggart has his own FM radio station there -- and as long as I listened, I was amazed that he never broke down and cried once.

After attending to personal business, I went searching for an open auto parts store to replace my missing wiper. That's when I discovered LaGrange is NOT like Columbus - because several big-name parts stores there are closed on Sundays. It only acts like a bigger city, with all that Internet access....

A woman at a Summit station near LaGrange Mall gave me detailed directions to an open AutoZone store - and to her credit, she was exactly right in what she said. But she kept trying to give me back the money I paid her, for a large soda.

(By the way, if you haven't been to LaGrange in awhile - it's NOT called "West Georgia Commons" Mall anymore. Apparently the stores are too common at ALL malls anymore.)

I found the right windshield wiper for my car at AutoZone - but then came Problem #6: the instruction sheet for installing the wiper had a series of drawings, which I couldn't figure out. Why can't these companies simply print directions in five or six different languages? We actually might learn new words from this....

Humbled, frustrated, and knowing I'd fouled things up before, I walked back inside AutoZone and persuaded an attendant to come outside and put the wiper on my car. See, I told you I'm NOT a genius. Geniuses drive pickup trucks full of "junk," so they have replacements ready at all times.

But enough about my troubles. Let's check what else happened Sunday:

+ The Ledger-Enquirer began a special report on "The Night Kenny Walker Was Shot." Kenny?!?! Have we come to know him THAT well since last December?

+ Ritmo Latino Radio stunned me by playing a "Spanish rap" tune in which a man said the "N-word" several times. No, I don't mean Nicaragua - or even what one group keeps calling "Looney-Toony Noriega...."

+ On the "Higher Power Outreach Church" radio broadcast, Pastor Johnny Robinson revealed his House of Restoration shelter in Phenix City gained at least $140,000 by splitting from the Columbus Homeless Task Force. Keep that in mind if he comes to your group this fall seeking urgent donations.

+ A check on Second Avenue and Warm Springs Road found Coastal gas stations are changing their names to Marathon. In a way, I can understand this - because I've never really considered the Riverwalk the west coast of Georgia.

COMING THIS WEEK: David Glisson talks at last.... the Marshal in a mess.... and local backers of President Bush....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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29 AUG 04: SOUTH SEALE - THE DEAL

The "Celebrate Phenix City" 50 years summer celebration concluded Saturday night, with a fireworks show over the Chattahoochee. If you missed that well-planned show, head to South Seale Road tonight and you might see an improvised
one.

Some residents along South Seale Road say Sunday and Thursday nights are dangerous times. They claim long lines of cars go by, and some people fire guns into the air. Don't these folks know East Alabama Motor Speedway is WEST of Phenix City?

(If people in south Phenix City actually are doing this for fun, Shooters ought to consider opening a second location....)

One South Seale Road resident showed off two big handguns he's bought, to protect himself from late-night troublemakers. Hopefully Mayor-Elect Jeff Hardin did all his "door-to-door campaigning" during broad daylight.

Some South Seale Road residents say they took a signed petition to the Phenix City Council two years ago, seeking better policing of the neighborhood - but they claim nothing was done. Perhaps Council members were too busy trying to find a
dealership to sell new cars on 14^th Street, instead of used ones.

South Seale Road has received a lot of attention in the last couple of days, after a man was shot and killed in the parking lot of the Davis Lounge. The owner admits he's concerned about what happens inside his business, more than what happens outside. So he takes this "lounge" stuff seriously....

Apparently after watching Friday evening's news, Phenix City Public Safety Director Preston Robinson announced he was shutting down the Davis Lounge that very night. He had to move quickly, of course - while the rest of town was distracted by the Shaw-Central football game.

None of the TV newscasts went down South Seale Road Saturday night, so I assume the shutdown of the Davis Lounge went peaceably. But how about that Phenix City Police Department -- making Fort Benning and Columbus police look like wimps, for merely banning soldiers from businesses?

So how can Phenix City police shut down businesses like Davis Lounge on the spot, while Columbus can't? Certainly police couldn't have been scared away from the Boom Boom Room by that big Bobby Peters sign outside it....

It happens that the Davis Lounge crackdown occurred on the weekend of a big semi-annual gun show at the Columbus Trade Center. I'm pleased to report when I jogged underneath the Trade Center Saturday night, there were NO tables set up on the Riverwalk -- and no one was showing off what they'd just bought.

To come full circle: that Riverwalk run gave me a good view of the big "Celebrate 50 Years" event - and I never have seen the Phenix City Amphitheater more filled with people than it was Saturday night. Of course, since it was a country music concert, a good number of them likely were "filled" with alcohol as well....

Grand Ole Opry star John Conlee was the headline act at the Phenix City Amphitheater - but he should have tailored his act to his audience. Conlee sang "I'm on the back side of 30" as I jogged by - but I might have changed it to, "You're on the back side of 50."

Some co-workers challenged me Friday to name a John Conlee song - and on the spur of the moment, I couldn't. You're showing your age if you can remember when Conlee was a big country star. And you're REALLY showing your age if you can't remember why.

I also passed a couple of Columbus Police cars at the south end of Bay Avenue, near the Dillingham Street bridge. Presumably they were looking for concert fans on the "FRONT side of 30" - as in miles per hour....

For the record, the Saturday night run was my personal best in a year -- at a fraction above two miles non-stop. I've mentioned here my improving distances [22 Aug], but I think there was a subconscious explanation for this effort. I knew
fireworks were coming - and after Golden Park three weeks ago [8 Aug], I didn't want to be anywhere close.

Now a quick look at other interesting items for a late-summer weekend:

+ The Trade Center hosted not only a gun show, but a "Reptile Show." Wow - what IS new in reptiles for Fall 2004? Are the alligator handbags going to be tie-dyed this season? Are rectangular shells in for tortoises, instead of round ones?

+ Country's Barbecue staged its annual charity "Midnight Run" in Midtown. I think they chose the wrong course for this race. It should circle the new library and the old Sears Building - and be called the "Columbus Square Memorial."

+ The Capital City Bombers blew out the Catfish 13-5 -- and things got so out of hand that infielder Jimmy Rohan was called on to pitch, for at least the second time this season. Rohan actually struck out a batter -- and I think in cases like that, it should count for two outs.

+ A couple of guys at church were talking about how badly the U.S. men's basketball team played at the Olympics - so I asked them if they did what I did [25 Aug], and tried NOT to watch the games all week. "No," they said abruptly. And here
I thought my congregation was full of right-wing conservatives....

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.69 a gallon at Snack Attack on Buena Vista Road.... 20-ounce sodas for 50 cents at Walgreens.... but a "Gator Stick" for $2.99 at Skipper's on Buena Vista? Bill Purvis can have that one....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.