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for 15 JUN 04: LEASH-MANIACAL

A public hearing at the Government Center tonight will consider proposed changes in Columbus animal control rules. For starters, any dog which acts and sounds aggressive on a continual basis will be considered for the Wardogs' official mascot.

The proposed animal control change which interests me most is a new "leash law." You'd be required to leash your dog on all public property. For the benefit of some of you dog-walkers I've met on the Riverwalk - this means ON a leash, not a leash kept somewhere inside your handbag.

Regular blog readers know I've been frustrated more than once while jogging on the Riverwalk, by people letting dogs run free. Too often, the dogs have decided to chase me - which is strange, because I don't look anything like an Iraqi prisoner.

(In one case awhile back, a man was throwing a ball to his unleashed dog on the Phenix City Riverwalk I wound up having two reasons to slow down - because the man throwing the ball had a police shirt on.)

Another proposed change in the animal control rules would require you to tie down a dog, if it's riding in the back of a pickup truck. So which works best - the carry-on car seat, or the shoulder and lap belt?

The news report about the proposed animal control rules actually used the phrase "tie down" for a dog. Somehow I have a vision of a low-budget rodeo in rural Alabama or Georgia actually doing this....

The third main change in animal control rules would require you to have a shelter for your dog, if you leave it outside more than eight hours. A shelter?! Do you mean there are homes in Columbus without front porches or crawl space?

(How strictly is this rule going to be enforced? If you don't put up a dog house, could you wind up in the "big house?")

Based on the list I heard, it seems obvious these animal control rule changes are aimed at dog owners. I know from personal experience you cannot tie down a cat. In fact, you can barely keep one inside a cardboard box, for a trip to the veterinarian.

BLOG UPDATE: Today is a historic day for Columbus doughnut fans. Krispy Kreme opens its first freestanding store near Columbus Park Crossing. It's obvious why this part of town was chosen - to get as many "doughnuts" in the profit column of the balance sheet as possible.

(So you readers in Taylor and Sumter Counties don't get confused: the store that's opening on Veterans Parkway is a "K.K." - and NOT a "K.K.K.")

Baseball legend Hank Aaron owns this Krispy Kreme shop, and he's offering a lot of opening-day promotions. The first person in line wins free doughnuts for a year. The first group of customers can receive autographed baseballs. And the first person to mention the Atkins Diet probably will be driven directly to the North Columbus Athletic Club.

Didn't Monday's Ledger-Enquirer have a cute front-page picture? It showed little eyeballs on several doughnuts, waving support for the four main shops in Columbus. We seriously hope the paper doesn't do this again, with the candidates for Sheriff.

Now let's put Monday's other interesting items in a box, and seal it with tape:

+ The Muscogee County School Board gave up on the Reading Recovery program, approving a smaller version called "Focused Reading." If some foundation wouldn't provide the money before, maybe LensCrafters will provide eyeglasses now.

+ I happened upon a new free local flyer called "The Christian Weekly," which started about three months ago. It includes an ad for "TCR Anti-Aging - As Advertised on RADIO." If you can't see the product, does that somehow make it more
trustworthy?

+ The Columbus Catfish lost on a ninth-inning home run to Charleston, South Carolina - as the River Dogs marked "Silent
Night II." Fans were given signs for cheers, and told not to make any noises for the first five innings. For the 'Fish, it may have felt almost like a home game.

(The River Dogs even hired mock librarians, to enforce "Silent Night" in the aisles. Now you know what Muscogee County School Board members are doing during their summer vacations.)

+ Instant Message to the University of Phoenix: It's nice to see you care about the Open Door Community House. But I'm still suspicious about you - because with that name, shouldn't your local building be on the Phenix City side of the river?

COMING WEDNESDAY: My neighbor says she's won a big prize! We'll see if she really has....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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14 JUN 04: WHAT'D I SAY?

"Pastor Sumbry?!" That's what it sounded like the woman asked me, as I returned to my car outside a Weems Road store over the weekend. But to be honest, I wasn't expecting her to say anything. I figured she'd be too embarrassed by her Sponge-Bob Square-Pants skirt to talk to anyone.

So stunned was I by the sight of an apparent 30-something woman wearing a Sponge-Bob Square-Pants skirt that I didn't catch exactly what she said. My mind was trying to figure out what child would give her that as a Mother's Day gift.

It finally occurred to me that the woman WAS talking to me, so I asked her to repeat herself. "Pastor Something?!" it sounded like the second time. Do you merely have to wear a tie on weekends now, for people to think you're a minister?

Several times during my years in Georgia, people have presumed I'm a minister. In fact, I missed a chance to speak at a funeral in Cusseta a few years ago - because someone saw me walking in with a Bible, and asked if I was a Pastor.

But I doubted anyone would mistake me for a Pastor outside a store, so I asked the woman to ask her question a third time. This time it finally sank in: "Pass through some rain?" At least Sponge-Bob asks questions in complete sentences in his theme song....

Yes, I told the woman. I had driven through a little rain a few minutes before, on Veterans Parkway. It certainly as much as downtown Columbus received Sunday afternoon. It rained SO HARD Bobby Peters may have to re-stamp those signs with his campaign committee's address.

It turned out that's all the woman wanted to know - but I was left a bit troubled. Am I having hearing problems, as I approach age 46? I haven't practiced faking it, as the late President Reagan used to do with Sam Donaldson's questions.

(Is it a sign of hearing trouble when I need the "did you" words that woman left out, to get my ears tuned to someone? Or did I simply score too high in English and debate classes?)

As it happened, I chatted with an older man at the laundromat Friday -- and he DID have difficulty hearing me. I've learned it's better to speak slowly to hearing-impaired people than to speak loudly. Save the loud words for vision-impaired police officers and sports officials.

Here are some other electrifying highlights from a stormy Sunday:

+ The Dolly Madison bread store on Victory Drive lowered its gasoline price below $1.80 a gallon. A driver in front of me was so stunned by this that he swerved over two lanes, to make a left turn to the pump.

+ The RaceTrac store on Victory Drive with discount soda was out of "monster subs." Well, all those monster truck drivers at the Civic Center had to eat....

+ NBC-38 dropped the Sunday evening edition of "Martha Stewart Living," replacing it with an infomercial. Maybe if she had changed her show to "Martha Stewart's Most Wanted" before her trial started....

+ Instant Message to Action Buildings: Isn't your name a bit of a contradiction? If the building has "action" to it, doesn't that mean it's unsteady and might fall down?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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13 JUN 04: SAFETY JUMPERS

Twelve Columbus firefighters received promotions at a Friday ceremony. But the news reports left out one big detail - how many of the people they're replacing moved to Atlanta for a big raise.

The promotion ceremony was emotional for some of the firefighters. After all, they went through all sorts of preparation to take tests for higher ranks. If only more parents did this with third-graders, before the CRCT exams.

I'm not sure what sort of test you have to pass, to win promotion to Captain or Sergeant in the Columbus Fire Department. Perhaps you have to show dexterity in climbing - by going up a billboard, and posting a sign urging people to call their City Councilors.

(If you win something at the Georgia Police and Fire Games, do you improve your chances of getting a promotion? That seems to work for minor league ball players, after all....)

Meanwhile, Columbus Police officers returned home Saturday from security duty at the "Group of Eight" Summit on the Georgia coast. This crew did an excellent job - scaring away not only the terrorists, but thousands of Savannah and Brunswick-area tourists.

One report Saturday night said security personnel outnumbered protesters at the G-8 Summit by 20,000 to 300. These numbers also should explain why more big-name musicians have concerts in Atlanta instead of Columbus.

(If this ratio seems like overkill to you, keep one thing in mind - those numbers are reversed when it comes to the Alabama State Police watching speeders.)

Columbus and Americus police officers were paid $15 an hour to serve on security duty at the G-8 Summit. Considering how few protesters showed up, a good chunk of that money may have been spent on bottled water and sunscreen.

Speaking of security, another group of Fort Benning soldiers returned home Saturday from duty in Iraq. We hope absolutely none of them receive a "welcome-home" discount from the Boom Boom Room.

There are plenty of other scattered topics to discuss this weekend:

+ The Muscogee County Democrats opened their election-year headquarters - at the same Macon Road building Republicans used for a headquarters two years ago. Whoever owns this building obviously isn't registered to vote.

(This IS a step up for the Democrats. This building on Macon Road used to be a dry-cleaning shop. A few years ago, the Democrats used a converted package store downtown.)

+ The Muscogee County Democrat Executive Committee then announced it's endorsing a clean slate of school board candidates, and not one incumbent. What's going on here? I thought all the board members endorsed the sales tax increase.

+ WRBL reported former Senator Max Cleland has joined the list of rumored running mates for Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry. If this is true, someone needs to remind the Kerry campaign about two years ago - when Cleland was trounced for re-election, then moved out of Georgia.

+ Superior Court Judge Roxann Daniel's campaign rolled out its first TV commercial. It includes big-name endorsements from Reps. Tom Buck and Carolyn Hugley - leaving me more convinced than ever that Bobby Peters quietly has turned Republican.

(So where is the endorsement from ISAIAH Hugley? After all, he's the Assistant City Manager - and has to share the same Government Center with the judge.)

+ Troy State University trustees approved a nine-percent tuition increase. Does it take THAT much money to repaint the signs, and take the "State" out?

+ Several local TV and radio stations carried the state funeral in Washington for Ronald Reagan. It took me awhile to figure out why "Sunny 100 FM" broadcast it - but then I realized he was President for most of the "Totally 80's Weekend."

+ WSHE-AM offered a Saturday night surprise, by broadcasting the Indy Racing League car race from Dallas-Fort Worth. This station usually broadcasts NASCAR races -- so did someone convince the managers this was Nextel Cup on steroids?

(Then again, maybe someone at Ritmo Latino Radio fouled up - because even with the drivers from Brazil, this IRL race was broadcast in English.)

+ Georgia's baseball team advanced to the College World Series, by sweeping Georgia Tech in the Atlanta "super-regionals." Turner Field was available for this series, yet went unused -- as the management apparently decided one losing home team is enough.

+ Instant Message to the customer who stood on a chair at an Applebee's restaurant Saturday, and appeared to be cleaning the air conditioning vent: Was that really necessary? I really don't think the soot from Continental Carbon travels all the way to University Avenue.

COMING MONDAY: Four little words, which have me concerned I'm starting to lose my hearing....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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11 JUN 04: GOODBYE, ALREADY?

The monster truck "Grave Digger" was displayed Thursday evening at a Piggly Wiggly supermarket in Phenix City. I know a few people who might wish that truck skip the "Summer Heat" event at the Civic Center - and head for California, to help dig Ronald Reagan's grave.

I've heard a few friends comment this week that the "long goodbye" for the late President Reagan has taken too long. They should just go ahead and bury him, these people say. But maybe they're missing a deep lesson here. Perhaps it's all a metaphor for how slowly change occurs in U.S. government.

Sometimes it can take awhile to arrange a funeral for a loved one. My mother died on a Saturday in December 1983, and the memorial service didn't occur until the following Friday. Even funeral homes tend to take three-day Xmas holidays.

My next-door neighbor was a bit confused Thursday about all the ceremonies for Ronald Reagan. I explained to her Wednesday's service inside the U.S. Capitol was a "state funeral." Today's service at Washington's National Cathedral is a "public funeral." And Republicans hope the final celebration occurs November 2 - on Election Day.

Alabama Governor Bob Riley is attending today's Ronald Reagan memorial service in Washington. But first, he stopped Thursday at the First White House of the Confederacy, where the last widow of a Civil War soldier is lying in state. Since she died in Alabama, does that mean the South really won?

What's struck me as even stranger this week is how a few people have commented on the outfits worn by Ronald Reagan's family -- especially daughter Patti Davis. Maybe I'm just weird, but I don't tend to go to funerals for a fashion show.

Should Columbus do something to honor President Reagan? I can't think of anything in the area named after him. In fact, Carmike Cinemas hasn't even announced a showing of "Bedtime for Bonzo."

I did a President's Day story a few years ago about how many items in Columbus are named after Presidents - and in reality, there's hardly anything. Johnson Elementary School is NOT named after Andrew or Lyndon The only other possibility is a longshot - Mother Mary School being named for Abraham Lincoln's relatives.

You may have heard talk about honoring Ronald Reagan by putting his face on money. People in Warm Springs will be pleased to learn Republicans are NOT proposing to put him on the dime instead of Franklin Roosevelt anymore. Now they're proposing the ten or 20-dollar bills - which is strange, because Mr. Reagan was against inflation.

SPAM-A-RAMA: It didn't take long for the e-mail spam to start, offering Ronald Reagan items. The first one at midweek was a mysterious poll, where I voted on whether to put the former President on money. I didn't dare vote - because I'm tired of all the pop-up offers for cut-rate Viagra.

Then Thursday's e-mail brought an offer to buy a commemorative coin, with the proceeds benefitting the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Isn't there a more appropriate way to honor this former President and actor? Here's a hint: DVD can be shorthand for "Death Valley Days."

BLOG UPDATE: Columbus civil rights groups marked six months since the death of Kenneth Walker Thursday - by changing the subject and holding a news conference about another case. Decisions like this are why so many civil rights leaders are tempted to enter politics.

The NAACP and National Action Network plan a demonstration next weekend in Harris County, over how officials have handled the case of Christopher Thompkins. He disappeared from a work site two years ago, and remains missing. We hope all is well, and David Copperfield brings him back soon.

While civil rights groups kept quiet about the Kenneth Walker case, an attorney for the Walker family did not. Bill Campbell said the "dashboard-cam" videotape from last December showed Walker "pinned against a wall" by officers before he was shot. So apparently the wall fell down, to leave him prone on the ground?!

Dougherty County District Attorney Ken Hodges reportedly plans a decision by August, on whether to prosecute anyone in the Kenneth Walker killing. Hodges has other things to worry about before August. For instance, he has an opponent in the Democratic primary. [True!]

Now other assorted news buttons, to sew up the week:

+ Music legend and Albany native Ray Charles died in Los Angeles. Georgia Public Television used to play his song "Georgia on My Mind" every night at sign-off. Now sadly, GPB never signs off - and Charles has.

+ Dish Network took the two big Columbus TV stations off its satellite service in Albany, and replaced them with Atlanta channels. Now viewers in southwest Georgia can join in Atlanta's favorite 6:00 p.m. guessing game - what color will Monica Kauffman's hair be tonight?

+ WRBL's "Top Story" at 6:00 p.m. was about a woman who saw a baseball crash through her windshield, as she drove down Fourth Street past a Columbus Catfish game. She said the Catfish should pay for the damage -- but why stop there? The city hasn't put up "watch out for falling balls" warning signs.

+ The Catfish swept a doubleheader with Rome - and pitcher Julio Pimental set a Columbus baseball record in game one by striking out 16 batters. That's the way to lower team insurance costs....

+ Northside High School Principal Dr. Renee Mallory put on military garb, and rapelled with local Junior ROTC members. Is this really a good thing - teaching principals new ways to jump all over the students?

+ Oxbow Meadows wrapped up a "Harry Potter" theme summer camp, by having students play a game of quidditch. Oh well - most right-wing pastors probably boycott this center already, for having "Second Sunday" nature programs.

+ The Group of Eight summit ended on Georgia's Sea Island. If you didn't join in the protests in nearby Brunswick or Savannah, bonk yourself on the head and say: "Wow! I could have had a G-8!"

+ Instant Message to the KFC on Macon Road About that "Dale Jr. bucket" you're offering on the sign - is that really authentic? I mean, does the side of the bucket have about 25 logos of different NASCAR sponsors?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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10 JUN 04: SIX MONTHS UNDER

Tonight will mark six months since Kenneth Walker was shot and killed by a sheriff's deputy along Interstate 185. After half-a-year, the score stands this way: One deputy fired. One civil rights leader embarrassed. And two prosecutors who seem to be in hiding.

Except for a web site and a few fundraisers, we haven't heard much from the "Friends of David Glisson" who support the fired deputy. We're not even sure how friendly they are with him - since their web site never has posted his picture, while it has two of Sheriff Ralph Johnson.

If David Glisson has found work since Sheriff Ralph Johnson fired him in February, we haven't heard about it. Maybe they hired him at the Group of Eight Summit in Sea Island, as a mysterious "lethal weapon."

We also haven't heard from civil rights groups in recent weeks about the Kenneth Walker shooting -- especially since the petition drive to recall Sheriff Ralph Johnson failed so badly. I'd presume they're waiting for the next abuse of power by law officers. But haven't they missed a couple of recent police shootings?

William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH certainly hasn't said much since the recall effort failed. Remember how he called CNN, and persuaded a reporter to come down to cover picket lines downtown? He may not have even called Jesse Jackson about that petition drive....

(In fact, I still haven't heard if the Muscogee County Election Board considered Howell's appeal over how the recall petitions were worded. But then again, Howell would have told everybody if he had won.)

As for criminal charges in the Kenneth Walker case - well, let's put it this way. District Attorney Gray Conger has caused more of a stir in the last six months by switching political parties....

You'll recall Gray Conger recused himself from the Kenneth Walker investigation. Then Albany's Ken Hodges was appointed by Georgia's Attorney General to handle the case. That was in early March - so we're starting to see his definition of a "speedy trial."

Where is the outrage by civil rights groups toward District Attorney Ken Hodges? Three months after taking the Kenneth Walker case, nothing has happened. Do you think he's waiting for the Walker family's lawyers to find all the incriminating evidence?

It's really not fair to put it this way, but the biggest "winner" in the Kenneth Walker case so far seems to be Sheriff Ralph Johnson. When you can rent a room at the Trade Center for a campaign kickoff rally, you must have some measure of job security.

Be honest now -- would you have guessed back in January more people in Columbus would be talking about the race for Superior Court Judge than the Sheriff's race? Maybe we should ask these candidates how many years in prison David Glisson should get.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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9 JUN 04: I'VE GOT A NAME

After weeks of painting and fixing at my apartment complex, I came home Tuesday evening to the biggest surprise of all. The complex now has a NAME on a sign in the courtyard outside! It's about the only new sign on First Avenue that doesn't
say "Bobby Peters" on it.

For seven years I was never sure exactly what the name of the apartment complex was. The only sign outside was one for the realty company/landlord. And if that's not there anymore, should I start worrying about a new owner jacking up my rent?

So now I'm delighted to tell you I live in the "First Avenue Apartments." I'd tell you exactly which one - but the terrorists might change their target from the Sea Island summit to the other side of Georgia.

(I'm not sure how long that new apartment sign is going to last. A man in one apartment loves to shoot B-B's off his porch - and if he grows tired of the birdhouse in the courtyard, it's only a matter of time....)

That's not the only new thing outside my apartment complex. Two big "no parking" signs have gone up on walls facing First Avenue. This is a bit puzzling, since I've parked off the street along First Avenue all along. What are all the spaces for - people with wi-fi laptops?

It's not like there's a big demand for parking spaces at the First Avenue Apartments....

+ The sewer work in April chased any Riverwalk tourists away.

+ The Columbus Catfish on the other side of Fourth Street haven't sold out a home game all season.

+ A small Anglican church sits next door to the apartments - but those people don't double-park for blocks the way Fourth Street Baptist worshippers do.

But back to my home's new sign: have you noticed some of the curious names for apartment complexes around Columbus? There's one close to Cusseta Road and Brown Avenue with the sign: "CRAWFORD TERROR APTS." Not even September 11, 2001 changed it - so does the F.B.I. know about this place?

(How interesting that the "Crawford Terror Apartments" sit only a couple of blocks from the Boom Boom Room....)

And did I see this right in the phone book Tuesday night - there are "Bullet Apartments" on Bullet Boulevard? And what's even more amazing is that it's NOT public housing....

Sometimes the name of the apartment complex isn't the problem - it's the logo or shape of it. Take the Park View apartments on Armour Road. Yes, it's across from Britt David Park - but the name looks someone spray-painted it on for community service, after a graffiti violation.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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8 JUN 04: ICE IS NICE

Monday night offered me an interesting choice: go to the RiverCenter and watch the national tour of the award-winning musical "Rent" - or stay home and watch the seventh game of hockey's Stanley Cup Finals. I hereby invite all high school drama clubs to e-mail me, when you decide to put "Rent" on your schedule.

The Tampa Bay Lightning won a thrilling seventh game 2-1 over Calgary, and won their first Stanley Cup. Normally I wouldn't mention this here - but if recent sports history repeats itself, you should be able to buy Tampa Bay merchandise on the WRBL and Opelika-Auburn News web sites sometime today.

(The last time the Calgary Flames were in the Stanley Cup Finals in 1989, an Atlanta radio station broadcast the games because the Flames used to play there. I don't think that happened this year - because even with the Thrashers, it seems
fewer people care.)

In a way, the final day of the N.H.L. hockey post-season was the first day of a new era for the Columbus Cottonmouths. The Southeast Hockey League announced a commitment for the Snakes to play beginning this fall. If this is REALLY a "Southeast" league, we want all the players to learn to say y'all.

As of now, the Southeast Hockey League has six teams committed for next season. This past year, it had only four -- but probably still had seemingly endless rounds of playoffs.

At least one team in the SEHL would be familiar to the Cottonmouths. The "Huntsville Channel Cats" were part of the Central Hockey League several years ago. One team in Columbus hopes to copy them -- but so far, cable TV has no "Cats Channel."

The list of current SEHL franchises includes teams in Huntsville, Birmingham and Mobile - but NOT Montgomery. If you want to see slick action there, you have to settle for the Alabama Legislature.

Meanwhile, Monday was another day of change at Auburn University. First the men's basketball coach was fired. Now the head baseball coach is gone. Who would have guessed last fall that Tommy Tuberville would wind up looking like Methuselah?

Interim President Ed Richardson showed Coach Steve Renfroe the clubhouse door, after Auburn's baseball team failed to make even the Southeastern Conference tournament. This has to concern many of the university instructors. If most of their students fail next fall, they might be dismissed as well.

(The way Ed Richardson is cleaning out Auburn athletics, he might decide to renovate Jordan-Hare Stadium this summer and move the home football games to Beauregard.)

Steve Renfroe had a winning record in four years at Auburn - but the last straw apparently came when the Tigers lost their last five series of the season. With that recent showing, Renfroe may have a future coaching at Spencer High School.

While Alabama and Auburn both missed the S.E.C. and N.C.A.A. baseball tournaments, Georgia and Georgia Tech are preparing to meet in the "super-regionals." With a name like that, it's only fitting that they'll play in Atlanta - a short drive from the Cartoon Network.

Did you read how Mississippi State's baseball coach explained recent sports success by Georgia and Georgia Tech? Ron Polk claims it's all because Georgia offers HOPE scholarships, while other Southern states don't. OK, who's giving secret money to Auburn's national champion swimming teams?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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7 JUN 04: D-UH DAY?

The weekend e-mail brought this complaint - but thankfully, NOT directly aimed at me for a change:

Richard,

I find it downright disgraceful not ONE of our local TV stations showed up with a camera Thursday night for a parting shot of Fort Benning's 507th leaving for the historic jump into Normandy. The paratroopers jump this weekend is the first time in 60 years the group and members of the original 507th returned to France. I've watched the History Channel and PBS highlight the heroics of the 507th during D-Day and days after all week long. Hours of emotional, gripping stories from soliders in our own backyard. OF course, the tv stations are notorious for reading the front page of the Ledger and then acting as though their lead at 6 is some sort of revelation on their part. Do your homework . What the hell ever happened to covering beats? What's WTVM and FOX54's slogan "More=Less"???

Pathetic! The only reason I watch local TV news is to get a good laugh. (before I puke)

Blog That!

Robbie Watson

Don't we all appreciate receiving this sort of (ahem) constructive criticism about our work?

To be honest, I don't know why local TV stations did not attend the departure of the 507^th for the D-Day anniversary. Maybe they're waiting for the military veterans to come home - because the stories of surviving that jump will be much more interesting.

(Come to think of it, did any RADIO stations attend the departure of the 507^th? I didn't hear it on a couple of stations - but I didn't listen to G.P.B. Friday morning....)

Sometimes Fort Benning restricts any access to post for TV news crews. Presumably this is for the journalists' safety - for instance, so graduates of the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation don't attack them for showing protesters.

It's nice to know some area soldiers were able to attend Sunday's events marking the 60^th anniversary of D-Day. After all, Lonnie Jackson never set up a commemoration on Buena Vista Road for it -- apparently because he's been busy trying to find tutors to teach it to children.

My church Pastor gave an impassioned short talk about the anniversary over the weekend. He predicted a future generation will face its own similar D-Day, because it will forget the lessons of 1944. So when do you think the History Channel will go out of business?

My pastor deeply believes the post-World War II generations will forget the lessons of 20^th-century history to their peril. The way his church denomination tends to interpret prophecy, he might not mind if President Bush ordered a pre-emptive strike against France and Germany right now.

Oh yes, as for the idea of "more = less" - isn't that the whole concept behind Wal-Mart SuperCenters? I'm still boycotting them....

Now for other items which might give you cheer, after a sobering weekend:

+ A Columbus police car rolled by me as I took a Sunday evening walk around South Commons - and it did so on the sidewalk, driving around Golden Park to Broadway. So some of the city maps are still right! You CAN drive through there....

+ The manager of the Boom Boom Room admitted he's considering shutting down the nightclub - but added he WON'T do it simply because petitions are circulating against it. There's a man who's learned from Sheriff Ralph Johnson's example.

+ RaceTrac on Victory Drive again took the lead in the summer soda discount race. It's offering 32-ounce fountain drinks for only 49 cents! Trouble is, this computes to $1.96 per gallon - and I'm still afraid the gas price will go up to match it.

+ Instant Message to the Columbus Catfish: Why do you have posters on the box office windows at Golden Park promoting Pigeon Forge, Tennessee? Is this your latest hint about possibly moving out of town?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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6 JUN 04: MOURNING IN AMERICA

How stunning, and how strange. I never would have guessed I'd learn about the death of a legendary U.S. President, while watching an ice hockey game being played in the Canadian province of Alberta....

The Tampa Bay-Calgary playoff game was late in the first period Saturday night when I turned it on - and that's where I learned Ronald Reagan had died. ABC's Gary Thorne mentioned a special report would be upcoming between periods. How ironic - since hockey is about the only "cold war" many young people understand anymore.

(Perhaps it's only fitting that I learned of Ronald Reagan's death by watching hockey. He was shot in 1981 on the day of the NCAA basketball finals - and they went ahead and played that night.)

I quickly dialed around my cable-free TV to see other coverage of Ronald Reagan's death. Amazingly, there was none until a special "Dateline NBC" at 10:00 p.m. If Fox News Channel is so pro-Republican, why did Fox-54 keep showing crime shows - to be fair and balanced?

As it happened, I went to the Cascade Hills Church Saturday evening service before learning of President Reagan's death. The mood of the audience DID seem a bit subdued - but I thought it was because Pastor Bill Purvis was out of town, and they weren't sure how hip the guest preacher would be.

The death of Ronald Reagan wasn't mentioned at either church service I attended Saturday. At the 2:30 p.m. service, I assume no one had heard about it. But at Cascade Hills at 6:00 p.m., it wasn't even mentioned during prayers. Of course, there wasn't a prayer of thanks for Columbus High School winning the state baseball title, either....

Understandably, the death of the former President was the top story on Columbus TV news Saturday night. But who told a reporter they remembered Ronald Reagan for his "handling of the Iran hostage crisis?" The hostages in Iran went free on the day President Reagan took office, in 1981!

Muscogee County Republican Party Chair Rob Doll said he'd been praying for Ronald Reagan in recent years, as the former President dealt with Alzheimer's disease. That's nice to know -- but did Doll also pray for former President Clinton to resist temptation?

Isn't it amazing that Ronald Reagan died on the day the U.S.S. Jimmy Carter was christened in Connecticut? The President from Plains now has his own submarine -- and yet the man who kicked him out of the White House upstaged him one last time.

(And not only that, it's the weekend Bill Clinton is rolling out his Presidential memoirs - so many Republicans HAVE to be thinking God is on their side in this election year.)

Ronald Reagan was President during my early years as a journalist. A Kansas City radio station called me in from home on the day he was shot in 1981. My jaw dropped in disbelief in the car, as a different station updated Mr. Reagan's health - then played the song "That's Life," by Frank Sinatra.

I arrived at KJLA Radio that March Monday in 1981 to hear my boss/Program Director read an update on the suspected shooter of President Reagan exactly this way: "The man - if you want to call him that - is...." Keep in mind, this was years before Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity came along.

A year or two later, I worked at KXLS in Alva-Enid, Oklahoma - and President Reagan visited Oklahoma City for a speech. I drove two hours to "The City" to cover the event, only to miss the deadline for media credentials by a few minutes. This was one time when driving at the speed limit did NOT pay off.

I would up covering President Reagan's visit as best I could - standing outside the Oklahoma Capitol building, interviewing both supporters and protesters. It turned out to be an "angle" of the story no one in Oklahoma City had -- but reporters were too busy listening to the President to offer me a job.

(Not meaning to brag, but the two other Enid stations with radio news didn't even bother going to Oklahoma City. One called itself "The News Authority" - but saved its big investigative coverage for things such as "the dog problem.")

Since I promised some "little things" in this issue, let's offer some of them as we close:

+ I marked the 60^th anniversary of D Day Saturday night in my own unique way - by going to Captain D's for dinner. The staff at the counter seemed unimpressed.

+ A petition drive began along Cusseta Road to shut down the Boom Boom Room. Maybe nearby residents would feel safer if David Glisson was hired as the club's head of security....

+ Instant Message to Money Back stores: C'mon already! Charging $1.89 for a QUART of milk? No wonder you didn't bother to put a price on the bottle - you knew no one would buy it.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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4 JUN 04: UP THE AVENUE

Two big events unfolded Thursday a few blocks away from my First Avenue home, and at about the same time. So of course, I was too busy to attend either one of them. One of these days, someone will buy my movie script of this blog and I'll be independently wealthy.

The first big event came at about 11:20 a.m., when a historic house at 537 First Avenue caught fire. Police cars and fire equipment wound up blocking the street for several hours. We don't know how many attorneys rushed over from nearby offices, hoping to find someone injured.

One witness said the First Avenue fire started in a clothes dryer. Then shouldn't this have been easy to stop? Simply turn on the washer next to it, then tip the washer over....

The house at 537 First Avenue has extensive damage, and a house next door has minor damage. An abundance of fire crews made sure things didn't get any worse - so the Historic District didn't become history completely.

A few minutes later at 11:30, another event occurred about three blocks away at the Government Center. Robert Taylor formally launched his campaign for Muscogee County Sheriff. The first pressing questions were obvious - how old are Taylor's children, and has he checked their vehicles for drugs?

Robert Taylor handed out fliers at a news conference, declaring himself "Taylor-made to be Sheriff." I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this - but I've received e-mail spam for months asking about the size of my "Johnson." Were those campaign ads I've been deleting?

Robert Taylor says he's running for Muscogee County Sheriff because incumbent Ralph Johnson didn't respond properly last December to the shooting of Kenneth Walker. So apparently the big issue in this race is NOT crime prevention - it's who shows compassion for crime victims better.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson declined to comment on the announcement ceremony by opponent Robert Taylor. Perhaps he doesn't have to comment. Mr. Johnson had his campaign kickoff event weeks before filing for office as an independent - and Mr. Taylor waited a month after filing to hold one.

(But then again, maybe Sheriff Johnson is too busy to comment right now - because he's overseeing the grounding of his 17-year-old son.)

I watched TV coverage of the kickoff events for both Sheriff candidates carefully. Did you notice almost all the people at Robert Taylor's event were African-American, and almost all the people at Ralph Johnson's event were Euro-American? This race may come down to which man "Ritmo Latino Radio" endorses.

Robert Taylor's kickoff announcement came one day after Federal Judge Clay Land dismissed part of the big lawsuit filed by Kenneth Walker's family. The Muscogee County Sheriff's Department is immune from suits, under Georgia law. In fact, it seems Sheriff Ralph Johnson is the only one who ever wears a suit.

The attorneys for Kenneth Walker's family plan to refile their $100 million suit, naming other parties in addition to Sheriff Ralph Johnson and former Deputy David Glisson. Come to think of it, which company makes the weapons for those deputies? This may qualify as a gun crime....

COMING THIS WEEKEND: Those "little things" we hinted at Thursday.... the hockey playoff game was too good for us to write more Thursday night....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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3 JUN 04: MAC ATTACK?

"Columbus's Finest Homestyle Burger" boasts the sign outside a new fast-food restaurant downtown. Now hold on a minute! At this time of year, if the burger's not cooked on a Char-Broil grill, is it REALLY "Columbus homestyle?"

But that claim was NOT what prompted me to visit this restaurant Wednesday. The hamburger stand near 8^th and Veterans Parkway is named "Mac Daniel's Burger Park." At least it's located near all sorts of law offices - which the owner may need when McDonald's headquarters finds out about it.

Daniel Hill opened Mac Daniel's Burger Park last Friday, on the site of an old Chinese take-out restaurant. He told me the name "Mac Daniel" was his wife's idea. I'm not sure where the "park" came from - except that trees are green on both sides of it.

So far the options are simple at Mac Daniel's Burger Park - so simple that the menu board above the counter is half-empty. If enough people buy Daniel Hill's burgers, perhaps he'll expand all the way to hot dogs.

Daniel Hill says business is going "pretty good" so far. But when I visited Mac Daniel's Burger Park around 1:30 Wednesday afternoon, only one woman was inside with Hill and me. Maybe I timed it wrong -- and the next Greyhound bus was arriving less than a block away at 2:30.

Mac Daniel's Burger Park is located six blocks down Veterans Parkway from a downtown McDonald's. But Daniel Hill seemed unconcerned when I brought up the competition. "We serve homestyle burgers. They taste better, they're bigger -- and they're a whole lot cheaper!" They are? Hill's place doesn't have a one-dollar value menu yet....

But I had to come back to that name - "Mac Daniel's Burger Park." McDonald's tends to be very protective of its name, and tries to stop businesses (especially restaurants) from having a name anywhere close. The only exception which comes to mind might be Mack Trucks.

(In fact, it's a wonder children in kindergarten haven't been forced to change that classic song to "Old Montgomery Had a Farm....")

Daniel Hill has an explanation ready, should the McDonald's suits march down the street toward his little hamburger stand. "They're McDonald's, like the name of somebody. I'm M-A-C." And as we all know, that extra letter cleared the way for Snoop Dogg to be a big success.

Besides, Daniel Hill told me, "Mac means number one." So in the slang of the street, he's the number one Daniel. That might work for McDonald's attorneys -- but wait until Daniel TV and Appliance finds out about this.

I wish Daniel Hill well -- and it turns out I'm on the leading edge of the Mac Daniel Burger Park story. Hill says he'll appear on TV next week, promoting his new restaurant. If anyone in the McDonald's corporate office reads this blog, he might appear sooner than he expects -- as he's served a "cease and desist" order.

SONG OF THE DAY: Since we brought up that old children's tune, how about a version fitting our topic:

Old McDonald changed his name.

E-I-E-I-O!

'Cause on his farm attorneys came.

E-I-E-I-O!

With a trademark here and a briefcase there....

Here a suit! There a suit!

Threatening a lawsuit!

Old McDonald changed his name --

Else big bucks he'd owe!

BLOG CORRECTION: It turns out Tillman Pugh only won his Russell County Commission primary Tuesday. He's NOT reelected yet, as he faces a Republican opponent in November. We'll see if John Kerry cares enough about this to visit Phenix City....

COMING FRIDAY: If there aren't any big things, I have a number of little things....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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2 JUN 04: SINS OF THE SONS

Tuesday's news revealed the teenage son of Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson was arrested on charges of marijuana possession. It's embarrassing -- but in a way, perhaps we all should be relieved. In this case, police say they FOUND the drugs....

Columbus police say they found eight bags of marijuana on Adam Johnson at a Victory Drive convenience store. The bags reportedly were in his pocket, inside his truck, and even in a police car after he rode in it. Now hold on a minute -- in the police car?! There's step one toward the "I was framed" defense.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson admitted to WRBL his son DID have marijuana on him last weekend. Hey, there's step two for the defense! Choose a racially-mixed jury, call the Sheriff to testify, and you might have a deadlock over whether the testimony is believable.

The Sheriff added when it comes to the arrest of 17-year-old son Adam Johnson, "I'm playing by the rules." Hmmmm - does that mean his boy gets kicked out of the house or not?

Sheriff Ralph Johnson told the Ledger-Enquirer his teenage son "will face the consequences." Now this should be interesting to watch. Who will face them first: David Glisson or Adam Johnson?

It was interesting Tuesday to hear people around me react to the arrest of Adam Johnson. Several said Sheriff Ralph Johnson shouldn't be held responsible for what his 17-year-old son may have done. Republicans laughed at this sort of thinking for years - until Vice President Cheney's daughter revealed she's a lesbian.

At times like this, the question arises of whether the arrest of a famous person's child really is news. My boss says Adam Johnson's arrest is news because the father/Sheriff is a "public figure." Oh really?! Doesn't it seem like this Sheriff often tries hard NOT to be a public one?

It sometimes seems like Columbus news media in general are protective, when it comes to offenses by the children of well-known citizens. You might call it the GOB principle - Good Ol' Boys showing gobs of respect for each other.

Around this season a few years ago, I took a call from someone complaining about a loud post-graduation party in Green Island Hills - at the home of a famous-name resident. The caller wanted a TV crew to show up, and put that family to shame. But how far do you go with this? I don't take pictures of neighbors with loud radios on their porches....

BLOG UPDATE: Russell County Commission Tillman Pugh had a close call in Tuesday's Alabama Primary. In fact, it may have been even a closer call than that January night at Wal-Mart....

The final count in Russell County shows Commissioner Tillman Pugh won reelection, but with only 50.7 percent of the vote. Considering Pugh's recent problems with Administrator LeeAnn Horne-Jordan, I can only conclude nine more men cast votes than women.

The big issue no one dared discuss in the Russell County Commission races was LeeAnn Horne-Jordan's sex discrimination complaint. It turned out most Commissioners won new terms - so maybe voters would rather get their entertainment watching officials snipe at each other.

I heard an early complaint Tuesday about the primary vote in Russell County. A woman in Pittsview claimed she received the wrong ballot for a School Board seat, without the candidate she wanted. If you can't exercise your right to vote, get exercise another way - by picking up phones over and over to make calls.

It turns out the woman's favorite candidate won easily. Kenneth Barnes claimed a school board seat with 74 percent of the vote, even though Barnes himself was given the wrong ballot and couldn't vote for himself! I predict as a new board member, Barnes will emphasize geography skills -- such as reading maps.

BIG PREDICTION UPDATE: Was I ever wrong about Tuesday night's Miss Universe pageant! After predicting Amelia Vega here last year, my pick of Peru didn't even get past the first round! Maybe now I'm under the Candace Cook curse or something....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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1 JUN 04: DEM BONES, DEM BONES

Bad Sign #1 when you're visiting a restaurant struck me just inside the front door. The chalkboard didn't list the special dishes of the day - it listed several big ball games. What does this say about the chef?

I'd been planning for months to visit Smokey Bones near Columbus Park Crossing - so I went over the weekend to enjoy some barbecue. What I found was something quite unlike local favorites Country's or Mike and Ed's. You're more likely to find "bones" on a big-screen TV, showing a gambling channel.

"Smoking or non-smoking?" was the familiar first question I was asked. But this question left me puzzled about something. At a barbecue restaurant, does the non-smoking section mean non-smoked meats?

Bad Sign #2: "Our special tonight is..." the waitperson named an unusual Mexican beer I'd never heard of before. "We also have Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light...." and she rattled off a series of other beers. I was almost left to think I'd walked into a northside version of Cannon Brew Pub.

"Do you have any non-alcoholic drinks?" I finally asked the waitperson. She never mentioned any - and since I'm a single guy, I'd have to stumble upon a beggar to be my designated driver.

Smokey Bones DID have a non-alcoholic mixed drink - but the waitperson didn't mention soft drinks until I specifically asked for one. Country's sometimes shows children in its TV commercials. This place probably only shows women wearing halter tops.

The waitperson pointed out something unique about Smokey Bones - a box at the side of each booth, where I could tune in the audio from one of five big-screen TV's above the bar. On this night, all of them were sports-related. If you want romance with your sweetheart here, it's B.Y.O.B. - Bring Your Own Boombox.

(Long-time Columbus residents may recall this is not a new concept at all. The sports bar attached to the old Chickasaw club actually had TV's in some booths - providing an island for C-SPAN junkies in a game-filled world.)

The Smokey Bones waitperson left me a "menu card," which mostly listed drinks and desserts. The real food menu was on a paper placemat - which seemed to me just one step above a Burger King.

I asked for the Smokey Bones sliced turkey platter. Bad Sign #3: it came with an open-face bun -- so really I received a big sandwich. Maybe this is their concession to Atkins dieters....

It became obvious at this point that Smokey Bones is NOT really a barbecue restaurant. It's more a sports bar that happens to serve barbecue -- though so many restaurants are filled with TV screens nowadays that it's getting hard to tell the difference.

Please don't misunderstand me - Smokey Bones is a nice place to visit if you have the proper priorities. It's great if you're going for beer or baseball. But the barbecue sometimes seem like an afterthought - something they have to keep serving liquor on Sunday afternoons.

So what else was noteworthy from the Memorial Day/Pentecost weekend?

+ I returned home from church Sunday evening to find the living room temperature at a record high: 93.4 degrees F. Of course, I turned on the air conditioning right away - but now I wish I'd brought out some bread, to see if it would have toasted on the spot.

+ McClung Memorial Stadium hosted its second annual Memorial Day Blues Festival. It must have been effective - because rain came Monday to spread the blues to lots of other people.

+ Candidates did last-minute campaigning for today's Alabama primary. How many young voters are going to be upset when they go to the polls, and find out the rules are different from "American Idol" - with only one vote per person?

+ Instant Message to the Boom Boom Room on Cusseta Road: Isn't it finally time to change this club's name? After that Sunday morning killing in the parking lot, "Peace Palace" might set a better tone.

(It also doesn't help that you have a "no weapons" sign outside your club - yet show two lit fuse-bombs on the marquee.)

BIG PREDICTION: Wow, is the pressure on me after picking the right woman last year. But when it comes to tonight's Miss Universe pageant, I'm leaning toward the woman from Peru. With a last name of "Holler," she must be from the south part of Peru.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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for 31 MAY 04: GOTCHA!

BLOGGER'S NOTE: Happy Memorial Day! This holiday post is a follow-up to the Bobby Peters campaign sign issue. We caught another candidate violating the advertising rules in 2002. Here's how we covered it in LaughLine that summer:

15 JUL 02: Today's deep question: if a big campaign sign doesn't have little type that's required by law, does that make the candidate a big cheater or a small one?

As candidates compete for Mayor of Columbus, Georgia, LaughLine has found one of them has an illegal campaign sign. Jed Harris's big downtown billboard lacks required words about who paid for it - you know, the words that if you slowed down to read them would cause a 12-car pileup.

The billboard above a downtown Columbus, Georgia viaduct says: "Elect Jed Harris Mayor - the people's choice." There's a huge photo of him, but NO wording required by law about who paid for the sign. He wasn't even sneaky enough to hide the words in a couple of underlined words.

The election laws in our town say all political advertising, even yard signs, must state who paid for them. If they don't, they're illegal. We suppose this rule is designed to teach would-be politicians the importance of "fine print."

We learned about this election law detail from a political wonk in our town, who loves to call radio talk shows. He's filed complaints in other campaigns, when the powers-that-be violated wording rules. He has NOT done this yet with Jed Harris -- so either he's voting for Harris, or he's lost his magnifying glass.

LaughLine stopped by the Jed Harris for Mayor campaign office Sunday to ask about the illegal billboard - but the office is closed on Sundays. A lot of businesses in our town work that way. Some people still think the "blue" in the U.S. flag is for blue laws.

Undaunted, LaughLine called Jed Harris at home Sunday afternoon and left a message. The voice on the answering machine was female - which leads us to ask: why don't more politicians have their wives work on their office staffs? Imagine how many paid positions could be cut from government budgets....

Jed Harris did NOT return our phone calls by Sunday night's post time. This former Georgia State Representative happens to sell insurance for a living - so you'd think he'd be willing to give The Mass Media a good quote.

16 JUL 02: As of Monday night, we still had NOT heard from Columbus, Georgia mayoral candidate Jed Harris about his illegal campaign billboard. Maybe he's like so many candidates these days - looking for donations in New York or California....

(No, Jed Harris probably would NOT be with President Bush in Birmingham. Harris is a Democrat - and unless he's holding a protest sign in the President's face, he doesn't want to be anywhere close.)

Still undaunted, LaughLine called the "Jed Harris for Mayor" campaign office. The man who answered the phone admitted he had NOT seen the billboard lacking the "paid for" details. He promised to check it for us -- but he hasn't called back, either. Is this a cover-up? Or is this poor constituent response a reason not to vote for this guy?

Many of the candidates for office in our town are gathering downtown tonight for a Jaycees event called "Political Palooza." In about five weeks, many of them will find the emphasis is on the "looza."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: If we must, LaughLine will go to Political Palooza and ask Jed Harris right to HIS "palooza" about his billboard....]

17 JUL 02: With our phone calls about an illegal campaign ad unreturned, LaughLine was left no choice. Tuesday night we came face-to-face with Columbus, Georgia mayoral candidate Jed Harris about his large billboard. We're thankful to report he's a nice politician - and didn't even threaten to punch us in the nose.

Jed Harris told LaughLine the art work for his campaign billboard was submitted correctly, WITH the "paid for by" line required by city law. He said the billboard company goofed, by leaving that line out. That company's fouled up OTHER signs lately, too - like leaving the last few letters off "Budweiser."

(Hmmmm - Jed Harris is a Democrat, but he's apparently not a Harry Truman "The Buck Stops HERE" Democrat.)

Jed Harris said he called Viacom's billboard division after LaughLine pointed out the missing line. The Atlanta office promised Harris it would be corrected Tuesday afternoon. We expected that answer, and drove by the billboard before the meeting. It's still NOT changed! How long does it take to prepare a couple of Post-It notes?

Jed Harris told LaughLine his campaign still owes Viacom 5,000 dollars for that large billboard. "I'm not paying a d**ned bit of it until that's fixed," he declared. We smell some political strategy here - called double or nothing.

(By the way, Jed Harris said he was out of town when LaughLine called him Sunday -- then became occupied with other things. We understand candidates CAN be busy people. But is his campaign staff too busy conducting polls or something?)

We found out during our short conversation with Jed Harris that he has a campaign web site - one NOT registered with Google. It's called "Elect Jed." [electjed.com] Isn't he asking for it with a name like that? Hackers will try to put up Beverly Hillbillies photos.

We found Jed Harris at the Columbus Jaycees' candidate forum, called "Political Palooza." Somehow an election event with that name doesn't sound quite right. You almost expect the candidates to put on boxing gloves for three rounds.

19 JUL 02: By the way, mayoral candidate Jed Harris's billboards DO now have an added line about who paid for them. But if you're going to jot down the address, PLEASE turn on your flashers or pull over - since let's face it: a lot of people don't vote and don't care.

COMING THIS WEEK: A new restaurant which is just asking for a lawsuit.... and a "restaurant" which may not really be....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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28 MAY 04: ENDURING TO THE END

It was all over Tuesday night at the end of the second. A baseball game? The Stanley Cup hockey finals? The "American Idol" winner? No - an old bottle of ketchup I've had for years. It was declared empty at the end of the second hot dog.

I've had a big glass bottle of tomato ketchup for at least eight years. I brought it to Columbus from the Atlanta area, after winning it with a bag of groceries at a supermarket grand opening. What does it say about my life when ketchup bottles have sentimental value?

This bottle of ketchup was a no-name brand - Shurfine, I want to say. The main label fell off the bottle long ago, due to condensation from being out of my refrigerator. That piece of paper proved more important than you might think - because have you ever tried opening a slick glass bottle with a stuck lid?

A small label still surrounds the neck of the ketchup bottle, with the words "EXTRA THICK." Truer words were never written. The ketchup around the lid would get SO thick that I couldn't unscrew the top for months at a time. But that's OK - it promoted the aging process.

To be honest, I don't use ketchup at home on a lot of foods - and when hot dogs come up on the dinner menu, I work on leftover restaurant packets first. From my own experience, I think ketchup packets left out too long inspired Heinz to develop those weird colors for children.

Not wanting to be wasteful, I turned the glass ketchup bottle upside-down in recent months to secure the last few drops. But it wasn't built for that, the way Heinz bottles are today -- so this old bottle needed mustard and salad dressing containers as crutches.

So back to Tuesday night's last hurrah: I pulled out the ketchup bottle for my three-dog night (!) - but the upside-down lid was stuck again. I chipped away at the crusty ketchup around the lid as best I could. After a few moments, a "burp" of sorts occurred and a touch of ketchup hit the floor - sort of like the volcanic eruption of Mt. Condiment.

Most of the ketchup stayed inside the cap, however - and I spread it out over two of the three hot dogs. Before you ask: yes, it still WAS red and not moldy.

With that, an amazing era in my kitchen has ended. I believe the food longevity record now passes to a big two-pound jar of generic-brand "salad mustard." It would have been empty long ago - but c'mon, who puts mustard on a salad?

By the way, the kitchen has been warm in recent days - but I still have NOT turned on the air conditioner in the window. Long-time blog readers will recall I try to hold out on doing this as long as possible. [11 May 03] That way, I can keep money out of Georgia Power's clutches as long as possible.

BLOG UPDATE: Well, well - remember those three "gossip" questions we asked Wednesday? [26 May] Somebody apparently figured out the third one. But instead of notifying the blog, they spent Thursday calling the Election Board and all the news outlets in town. I feel more like Rodney Dangerfield every day....

Yes, Judge Roxann Daniel, you figured it out -- it's your opponent Bobby Peters whose campaign signs don't appear to have the proper wording about campaign committees. Considering he's a former Columbus Mayor, you'd think he'd know the rules. But then again, Peters was unopposed for that second term as Mayor.

It turns out it's the Georgia election code with that rule about how campaign literature should be worded, mentioning who pays for it. This shows political races are a bit like "Dungeons and Dragons" games -- you should always check for traps.

Bobby Peters told a TV reporter Thursday it's a "matter of interpretation" whether campaign signs count as literature. My Webster's New World Dictionary includes under "literature" the definition, "printed matter of any kind." Is Mr. Peters's legal practice so slow that he painted the signs himself?

Judge Roxann Daniel admits it would be hard to bring a case against opponent Bobby Peters. For one thing, she says the Georgia election code is written in such a way that sign violations are unenforceable. For another thing, Mr. Peters has so many lawyers backing him that the "friend of the court" briefs would be overwhelming.

Take a stroll through the Legal - oops, Historic District, and you'll find plenty of pro-Daniel or pro-Peters signs outside law offices. Is this a proper thing to do? Back the winning candidates for judge, and you look like you're seeking special treatment. Back the losers, and your clients won't have a chance for months.

Bobby Peters announced late Thursday he'll take steps to fix those 1,500 campaign signs without a "paid-for" section. Deep down, he might not mind this - because he'll shake all the hands of backers a second time, to confirm their support.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: This isn't the first time we've caught a Columbus candidate violating election rules. We'll share another case in a "LaughLine flashback," the next time we post on Monday....)

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION: OK, I was wrong -- and I hereby apologize to WRBL's Candace Cook. A week of voting ended Thursday, and you declared her hair the best on Columbus television. But wait a minute! Did people vote for the blown-straight hair we usually see, or the curls which accidentally showed up that one night?

This "hairy" question brought a record number of votes for the blog - more even than the question about recalling Sheriff Ralph Johnson. I guess the priorities of Columbus residents now are abundantly clear....

The final score shows Candace Cook leading the "best hair" race with 38 percent of the vote. A late rush of support pushed her ahead of the 25 percent for WRBL colleague Amy Giuliano. It's either that, or curled-up votes finally straightened out.

Of the five names we offered in the question, Cheryl Reneé was third at 19 percent. Then came Deborah Singer at 13 percent - and sadly, Kirsten Olesen received no votes at all. Maybe Olesen and her supporters were too busy working.

We also received a couple of surprise alternative choices - including meteorologist Joshua McKinney [24 May]. Someone suggested former reporter Adrian Helmick, who moved away from Columbus two years ago. Either the current styles on TV don't impress this voter - or the voter spends all their time watching cable.

At least one TV personality came to me, complaining about NOT being on the list of nominees for best hair. But hey - I had to draw the part-line somewhere....

So congratulations to Candace Cook - and if her hair defines her "classiness" as someone suggested, [20 May] so be it. I guess this makes her the "head" of the class, doesn't it?

And let's not forget the other stuff which happened Thursday:

+ Former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman was indicted by a federal grand jury, on charges of bid-rigging. Does anyone really think he'll be convicted of this? He couldn't rig a state lottery referendum in his favor....

+ Mike Vee signed off from his afternoon spots talk show on WRCG. He's taking a morning radio job in Opelika - so for now, his co-host is simply another radio D.J.

(Mike Vee is going to an FM station in Opelika that's the new flagship station of Auburn University sports. Oh no! Don't tell me Auburn will join Alabama and Georgia Tech -- and go off Columbus radio stations, too....)

+ A group of teenagers from the Inner Harbour halfway house appeared outside Miriam's Café, for a program of "therapeutic drumming." Isn't that a strange name for it? Many people see a doctor for therapy, to stop their heads from drumming.

+ Instant Message to the middle-aged man who walked into a Phenix City Piggly Wiggly store with no shirt and bare feet: I dressed that way in public once. I think I was about six at the time....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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27 MAY 04: LAST RIGHTS?

Roy Moore announced Wednesday he's filing an appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court, to regain his seat as Alabama Chief Justice. If that fails, Moore may have only one option left - President Bush winning re-election, then nominating him for a Supreme Court seat.

Roy Moore says his dismissal as Alabama Chief Justice last fall was loaded with hypocrisy. He notes God is referenced by name at the start of all federal court sessions -- not to mention under the breath of most losing attorneys.

The appeal by Roy Moore claims he was removed as Alabama Chief Justice merely for exercising his first amendment rights. As many speeches as he's made around the country, I wonder if Moore's making more money using his freedom of speech than he did promoting his religion.

Did you see one TV station call him "Honorable Roy Moore" on the screen? I'm not sure if that will stop the complaints to newsrooms by upset Republicans - or make them demand all members of the cabinet receive the same treatment.

The group "Alabama Atheists" is unimpressed with Roy Moore's U.S. Supreme Court appeal. Group leader Larry Darby claimed Wednesday people are growing tired of Moore. Of course, many Alabama Christians grew tired of atheists around the time of the school prayer ruling in 1963.

There's been a lot of speculation about Roy Moore running for political office -- but he denied the rumors again Wednesday, and I believe him. Somehow, I can't see John Kerry selecting Moore as a running mate....

Several candidates are invoking Roy Moore's name as they run for the Alabama Supreme Court. One of them is long-time colleague Tom Parker. You can tell it's a different era in the South when a "Tom Parker" mentions Roy Moore more than Elvis Presley.

Have you seen Tom Parker's campaign commercial on TV? It says he's "strongly against gay marriages." Well, why stop there? Go ahead and tell us how you'll vote on lawsuits of more than $20 million.

BLOG UPDATE: Columbus State's baseball team was knocked out of the Division II World Series Wednesday night, losing a gutwrencher to the Rollins College Tars. Aw c'mon -- the TARS?!

+ Shouldn't this be the name of a stock car racing team in the South?

+ What are the college cheerleaders called - the Tar Babies?

+ You can't expect me to believe the University of North Carolina broke away from this college, and that's why it's famous for Tar Heels.

+ Where do journalism majors at this college offer their publications - a Tar-Paper shack?

+ Do they have a fast-food restaurant on campus - selling Tar-Macs?

Things looked grim for C.S.U. as the last inning started - but the Cougars made up a 9-7 deficit with three runs in the top of the ninth. If this was the "Rollins" that's involved with protective services, I don't want to have anything do with it.

But Rollins rallied in the bottom of the ninth itself, with a two-run homer off C.S.U.'s ace reliever Brian Baker to win 11-10. It was Baker's fourth inning of pitching -- which almost makes you wonder if Cougar Coach Greg Appelton watched any of the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series last October.

At least Columbus High School still has some baseball left to play. The Blue Devils beat St. Pius X Wednesday - not only advancing to the state semifinals, but getting revenge for the girls' basketball finals in March. I wouldn't be surprised if a couple of those Columbus players have pictures of Ashley Powell in their rooms.

Now let's catch up on some other mid-week meanderings:

+ The Spectrum store in my neighborhood (believe it or not, there's only one) marked down all sizes of fountain drinks to only 79 cents. So you see - something IS going down in price, to make up for the gas and milk.

+ Georgia's Natural Resources Board decided to bring back mandatory restrictions on watering lawns. There's an odd-even system six days a week - and no one can water at all on Fridays. So why Fridays?! Do the board members think this will stop a Muslim terrorist attack?

+ The title of "American Idol" went to Fantasia Barrino - and that means Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue lost a bet. He owes North Carolina's Governor a bushel of peaches. But knowing our governor, he may outsource this and get the peaches from Mexico.

+ Instant Message to WRBL reporter Chris Sweigart: We welcome you to Columbus - but we can't help asking a question. If you took a taser shot Tuesday for a story on Harris County "stun guns," why didn't you light up a cigarette Wednesday for a story on Lee County smoking?

COMING FRIDAY: The end of an era in my refrigerator.... and did I resist doing that "something?"

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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26 MAY 04: THE SCOOP AND THE HARM

"Gossip" said the title of an e-mail to your blog -- and I can't tell you how much I agonized over what I read. I'd rather not have this blog become a gossip column. But then again, Webster's New World Dictionary defines gossip as "idle talk and rumors about others" -- and this wasn't rumor, it was fact.

If the "gossip" I read had been put in the hands of Paula Froelich at the "New York Post," it probably would have become public knowledge days ago. It probably would have come out at the "Washington Post" as well. But this is Columbus - where there's an unwritten rule about never hurting other people's feelings.

The church I attend does NOT think well of gossiping. In fact, it's so much opposed that a big congregation split in the home office city hasn't even been mentioned on its web site - and it happened almost a month ago.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We're going to talk religious talk for the next few jokes. If you're offended by this, scroll down about three paragraphs and see if you can catch up.)

Given what this church teaches, I went to the Bible Tuesday for guidance about gossip. Several verses in Proverbs warn about a gossip who "betrays a confidence." But if the item in question is on file at a courthouse, it's only confidential if you don't go there and look.

There's also a section in the New Testament which links gossips with "slanderers, God-haters.... arrogant and boastful." Yeow! This standard could disqualify almost every elected official in the country.

I also recalled some of Paul's New Testament writings where he talked of church members having each other's wives, and even named people who did him harm. The Bible didn't allow any of these people "equal time" to tell their side....

Then I decided to apply the three traditional rules of "gossip." First: was it true? After a couple of attempts to verify it, I found it was -- but I should have left the court clerk a tip for all the checking she did for me.

Step two: is it fair? A lawyer used the phrase "public document" about it, so it seemed to be -- but in this day and age, one cable network seems to define "fair" as anything slanted toward Republicans.

. Step three: is the "gossip" necessary? Now this was the sticky one. Some people I know think ANY gossip is necessary, as long as it doesn't mention them....

I decided Tuesday to give the subject of the gossip a chance to comment about it. I also went to that person's attorney -- so you can see how serious I am about avoiding a libel suit.

After taking all these steps, I took a break in the late afternoon -- and there was Halle Berry on "Oprah," admitting all the tabloid stories about ex-husband Eric Benet's affairs were true! So if they can get it right sometimes, maybe I can too....

So I've taken all this introductory space to explain why I'm posting what I'm posting. Now I'll post it, and take whatever lumps may come. And for those of you who think you've guessed it already - no, this has nothing to do with Diana DeGarmo winning "American Idol."

Let's ask some pointed questions, beginning with the "gossip" item the source sent via e-mail:

1. Which well-known local personality quietly has filed for divorce during May? I reviewed the papers at a court office Tuesday afternoon, and the split should become final this week. Surprisingly, the divorce was filed by a big-name attorney/politician -- someone I thought would be on the side of preserving marriages, given his party.

This mystery personality separated from a spouse in March, and the spouse does not appear to be contesting the divorce. So why call on a big-name attorney/politician to handle this? To scare the spouse away from going to "Celebrity Justice" or something?

2. Which local corporate executive called a media outlet recently about doing an "informational" appearance - only one day after he appeared at that very outlet? No, it was NOT a case of Lonnie Jackson developing amnesia.

3. Which political candidate is putting campaign signs up all over Columbus - and every one of them appears to be ILLEGAL? None of them has the required wording for the candidate's campaign committee! It's called "fine" print for a reason -- leave it out and you may get fined.

BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: Do you think you know the answers to our questions? We'll take your guesses PRIVATELY ONLY. E-mail us if you'd like to try....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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25 MAY 04: A PUGH-DUNNIT

Tillman Pugh clearly is on a mission - well, make that two missions. For one thing, the Russell County Commissioner wants to know who assaulted him earlier this year. For another thing, he wants to wear his "Pugh for Commissioner" election badge in front of every TV camera he can find.

Tillman Pugh revealed Monday he's getting a surveillance tape digitally enhanced, so he can find whoever attacked him in January. Mr. Pugh said this with a re-election sticker on his shirt Monday -- one his opponents for Russell County Commissioner next week probably wish had been digitally blurred.

WRBL played the original surveillance tape from the Phenix City Wal-Mart Monday night. Tillman Pugh says it shows two men wearing white caps going inside -- the men who later assaulted him. How sneaky of these criminals! They know how regular Wal-Mart customers think -- that only good guys wear white hats.

The surveillance tape from Wal-Mart also shows an outdoor camera view of a red pickup truck circling the parking lot. On most weekends, this would be no big deal - since good parking spaces don't open up at Wal-Mart very often....

Commissioner Tillman Pugh recalls the driver of the red pickup stared at him January 25, as the two men wearing white caps assaulted him. Pugh said the attackers "cracked my cranium" - and somewhere, Jerry Laquire wrote down that phrase to use on future talk show callers.

Tillman Pugh says what happened to him in late January was NOT a random attack, and he was a definite target. You have to give the County Commissioner credit for one thing - in four months, he hasn't blamed this attack on Administrator LeeAnn Horne-Jordan even once.

Tillman Pugh says he's sending the surveillance tape to New York, and will spend as much as $2,000 to have it digitally enhanced. I don't want to say I'm old, but I can remember when "digital enhancement" meant a trip to a nail salon.

In addition, Tillman Pugh is offering a $2,500 reward for information about whoever attacked him in late January. But who would have noticed two men in white caps inside a Wal-Mart store -- especially if they didn't have a loud, whining baby with them?

I do hope Tillman Pugh finds the attackers, and they get what's coming to them. But I'm sorry -- something inside me says Monday's TV appearance smells of campaign politics. For one thing, next Tuesday is the Alabama Primary. For another thing, Wal-Mart didn't wait four months to release tape of that Indiana mom shaking her daughter.

I'm reminded of a joke the late Atlanta radio preacher Mays Jackson told, as his wife asked where he wanted to be buried. "Put me on the lawn in front of the Wal-Mart store," Jackson said. His puzzled wife obviously asked why. "That way, I'll know you'll come to see me at least twice a week."

Here's what else we noted on Victoria Day 2004 -- and how many people did I stump with that Canadian holiday....

+ Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue visited Fort Benning, and declared Georgia a "very patriotic state." Excuse me - but which of the 50 states is NOT? I haven't heard one of them talk about seceding lately.

+ U.S. Senate candidate Johnny Isakson unveiled a new TV commercial, in which people praise him for teaching Sunday School for nearly 30 years. So does this mean if he's elected to the Senate, he'll try to convert Joseph Lieberman away from Judaism?

+ Wireless phone numbers in the Columbus area became "portable," from one company to another. What IS the big deal about this? I see people with portable numbers all the time -- walking out of convenience stores with lottery tickets.

+ Instant Message to Columbus and Hardaway High Schools: You ARE being nice to the senior baseball players in today's quarterfinals, aren't you? I mean, you're not withholding their diplomas until the playoffs end?!

SONG OF THE DAY: Public radio's "All Things Considered" truly lived up to its name Monday, as it marked the 50^th anniversary of the Roto-Rooter jingle. Isn't it time to put new, modern words on this -- while still keeping that old accordian?

Click It or Ticket - act today!

Better buckle up, or you're gonna pay!

Click It or Ticket! (Doot.) (The accordian chord.)

Or we can make it fit Columbus election-year politics....

Vote Bobby Peters - for court judge,

And give that woman on the bench a nudge!

Bobby Peters! (Doot.)

COMING THIS WEEK: Can I resist doing something until Memorial Day weekend? Must.... try....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.