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7 APR 04: SURVEY SAYS....

Some friends of mine simply HAVE to watch the "Fast Money" round of Family Feud weekday mornings on TV -- even if they're supposed to be working. For some reason, I don't see the sex appeal of Richard Kahn at all....

Family Feud's answers usually are based on surveys of 100 people - and sometimes it feels like 100 different companies want to survey ME. In recent days my e-mail has had so many surveys waiting, I almost felt like I was holding back our country's technological progress.

With spring cleaning finally finished, I started catching up on these online surveys Monday afternoon. But right away, I got caught in one that "qualified" me to answer more questions - for up to 50 minutes. My high school geometry teacher didn't give pop quizzes which took this long....

The online survey was based on what I'd eaten in the last 24 hours, from Sunday to Monday afternoon. I've been asked questions like this before -- and they were SO detailed about what was on the snack table at church on a Saturday afternoon.

I noted on the survey I'd eaten four times in 24 hours - then it zeroed in on my very last eating time, Monday afternoon. It's a good thing it didn't focus on Sunday night. That was when I marked the Lord's Supper, with nothing but a matzo and wine.

The Monday afternoon snack became to this survey the "KEY SITUATION." Since when does eating snack crackers and nibbling on M&M's become a key situation? Maybe if I was a contestant on "Survivor," but otherwise....

The survey was mostly a psychological study of why I ate this snack, and how I felt before and after eating it. I marked "happy, relaxed" when the survey started - but the longer the questions went on, the more I wished I'd checked "anxious,
stressed."

This survey went over-the-top for me when it started asking about specific characteristics of foods, and whether I thought certain foods met those characteristics. For instance, is bacon "cheesy?" Is ready-to-eat popcorn "fruit-flavored?" I almost expected an IQ report to come out when it was over.

(The survey went through about 25 different characteristics of foods - enough to make me start to wish I ate through an I-V tube.)

But that wasn't all! The survey went on to show me five different generic pictures, and asked how I felt about eating as a result of seeing them. No, I do NOT feel more comfortable about my snacks after seeing a shadow of someone holding up a bicycle. [True!]

At least when it was over, the survey company asked me for my name and address. I'll be paid ten dollars for doing that silly poll. But I'll probably never see the results - so if you see cheese-flavored bacon at stores soon, you'll know I'm out of step.

One lengthy survey a day like this is enough for me. But after I went running, my phone rang at the stroke of 6:00 p.m. I missed the evening news for ANOTHER poll, this one about digital media systems. Sad to say, I do NOT have TiVo - and at that moment, I could have used it.

I was getting ready to head out of town for dinner -- but this survey stretched from ten minutes long to 22. What do I think of RealOne? Am I satisfied with Windows Media Player? Which one did I have first? Why didn't Microsoft warn me people would ask about this, when I bought my computer in the first place?

At least the phone survey allowed me to vent my frustration with Windows Media Player. I have version seven, and the current "version nine" which so many web sites require isn't available for my Windows 98 system. These are the times when I begin to understand those antitrust suits against Microsoft.

BLOG UPDATE: Dozens of public safety employees and their families took their demands for higher pay to Columbus Council Tuesday night. Some of them said they work two or three jobs to make ends meet - thus putting them in the same boat with almost all Council members.

Some public safety employees claimed Mayor Bob Poydasheff promised them a five-percent raise in an open Council meeting. The Mayor disagreed, saying a five-percent raise was what he'd LIKE to provide. At least we can check the notes on this - compared to similar disputes years ago, when we expected Mom and Dad to increase our allowances.

Councilor Nathan Suber had a testy moment with the leader of a public safety group - saying he wants ALL city employees to have a raise. If you'll kindly call all the Georgia state legislators this morning and demand a sales tax referendum, it just might happen....

COMING THIS WEEK: We visit one of the area's nicest restaurants.... and its dog....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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5 APR 04: A CLEAN SWEEP

Victory came around 12:30 this afternoon, in my annual spring cleaning. The vacuum cleaner bag went out the back door - along with several sponges and mops so old and shriveled that a nursing home wouldn't even take them.

Each year I allow about five weeks for spring cleaning. Yes, that long - because it's THAT detailed. After all, I'm a single guy, so this has to last for awhile....

Each room of my apartment offers its own unique spring cleaning challenge. For instance:

+ The bathtub in the bathroom still has a slow leak after all these years - so I simply use the water already there, to clean the stains the earlier water caused.

+ The bedroom features a queen-size waterbed, which gets a dusting. Yes, I still have a waterbed after all these years - so I'm just in time for the 1980's revival.

+ The computer room is where all my papers tend to pile up. I sort some into piles as best I can, and then "the wave" begins with the rest - and it winds up rolling all the way to the white paper bin at All-American Recycling. I think the business's guard dog chews it up from there.

+ The living room is where the OTHER papers pile up. It's also where Venetian blinds cover my front window. Again this year I succeeded in knocking the blinds crashing to the floor, as I cleaned them.

+ The kitchen is the focal point, the last item to be cleaned - and in great Hank Hill cartoon tradition, I DO take several minutes to de-crumb the toaster.

+ I even spent much of Friday cleaning my car, from driver's seat to trunk. Sadly, I did NOT any money on the floor under the seats this year.

One of my last spring cleaning acts was this morning's annual trip to E.J. Knight Scrap Material on 10^th Avenue, with a bag full of aluminum cans. Make that a YEAR'S worth of aluminum cans - so as you see, I remove roaches as part of the process.

All those cans plus some stray tin pie plates resulted in a payoff of $2.50. Maybe next year I'll stop there AFTER breakfast - so I won't have to use a credit card at Ruth Ann's.

So may be asking why I go to all this fuss and trouble. Believe it or not, it's because the church I attend expects members to do it. We call it "de-leavening" our homes for the Biblical Days of Unleavened Bread, which begin tonight. It's one of the things which make us put Reform Jews to shame....

Our church service had a last-minute de-leavening surprise over the weekend. Our Pastor read some items from the "nutritional information" section of the Burger King web site, which revealed two new leavening agents most of us never knew about before. Why scientists come up with new ways to make baking powder, I'm not really sure.

One of those leavening agents is found in Burger King fries. It turned out back at home, frozen potato bags in my freezer had that agent as well. It's too bad I learned about this so late -- but I doubt even the Valley Rescue Mission residents could have eaten so many fries and tater tots quickly enough.

(For those who may be wondering: this surprise leavening agent is "disodium dihydrogen pyrophosphate." I'm tempted to call it D.D.P. for short -- but Columbus wrestling fans might think I'm talking about Diamond Dallas Page.)

Oh no! I just realized something as I'm posting this -- the lid for my tall kitchen trash can is gone! Apparently I dumped it in one of the big trash bags I took to the curb! Maybe I should call this "The Passion of the Clean."

Oh well: it is a true relief and joy to be able to write this blog for you, after finishing more than a month of cleaning. At least my apartment is presentable for visitors. You have approximately two weeks to make a reservation....

As the last bag of trash went to the curb this afternoon, the first of two public service opportunities came my way. Someone parked a few spaces from me needed a jump-start for his giant-sized Chrysler. For these people to ask for help from my smaller Honda - well, I hope they learn a lesson in humility from it.

The second opportunity came a little later, outside the main Columbus library. "Hey mister! Can I borrow a cigarette?" Yeah, sure - like you're going to give it back to me when you're through.

This beggar came to the wrong person. "Nope. I don't have one. I don't smoke." Am I a bad person for this? This man had a need, and I wasn't prepared to meet it.

I walked away realizing I treated this beggar differently than I would most. If a person asks for something to eat, I usually offer to buy something. But I make a difference between smoked barbecue and smoked lungs.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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4 APR 04: HOW TO CATCH A PIG

Before we get to our topic - have you noticed what day this is? It's 4/4/04. Maybe we should celebrate by spending some time on "all fours" today.

But anyway: The first thing you notice about the Piggly Wiggly store on Brown Avenue these days is the big hole in the parking lot. A sinkhole formed in front of the store several days ago, and swallowed a car. You almost wonder if Rainbow/PUSH is boycotting this chain again.

"Shut your mouth!" my elderly next-door neighbor said when we drove into the parking lot Friday, and I mentioned seeing the sinkhole on TV. Then she started praying out loud that the same thing wouldn't happen to MY car. I appreciate her doing that - but my Honda's almost ten years old, and the insurance IS paid up on it....

We stopped at the Piggly Wiggly on Brown Avenue so my next-door neighbor could buy a jar of coffee. She said all she'd had for breakfast was a little oatmeal. She reminds me of my mom, who usually only drank coffee for breakfast. I didn't know it could be so filling.

I decided to go inside the store with my neighbor, and get a snack for later in the day. I settled on a big bag of tortilla chips costing $1.50 - yet at the checkout, the scanner showed it costing $1.89. I didn't get a lot of sleep this past week, but the numbers on the shelf didn't seem that blurry.

"I thought it was $1.50," I said to the Piggly Wiggly cashier.

"Apparently not," the cashier answered. Of course, if the computer was always right, Microsoft should have sent me a big check by now for spreading that "test" e-mail all over the Internet....

I caved in and paid the $1.89 plus tax - but my next-door neighbor wasn't ready to check out yet, so it gave me a chance to double-check the price. Sure enough, the shelf tag said $1.50. And only then did I discover a sticker on the bag of chips said "SPECIAL $1.50." We journalists have such wonderful powers of observation.

Armed with this evidence, I went back to the very same Piggly Wiggly checkout lane. Another woman was with the cashier, and she took charge of things when I pointed out the $1.50 sticker on the bag. She provided me a 41-cent refund - which I had to sign a receipt to receive. As if 41 cents is enough for filing a lawsuit?!

What happened to me is a reminder that supermarket scanners are NOT always accurate, and you should watch the check-out process with care. The Piggly Wiggly staff told me the price of the tortilla chips simply wasn't up to date. But $1.50
has been the price for several weeks -- so you cat help wondering if some ethics fell in that sinkhole, too.

BIG PREDICTION UPDATE: I searched all over my radio dial Saturday night - but sure enough, Georgia Tech's basketball game could NOT be found. What does it say about Columbus when no station even jumps on a bandwagon for a team in its own state?

Georgia Tech won a tense test, to reach the title game in NCAA men's basketball. Former coach Bobby Cremins was spotted in the crowd in San Antonio - but now he may be worried about having his court in Atlanta be renamed for Paul
Hewitt.

(I didn't know until Saturday night that the Georgia Tech basketball court was named for Bobby Cremins this season. How did he outbid McDonald's for this honor -- and is his face going to be on the center circle?)

Maybe it's too late to ask this, but has anyone at Auburn considered Bobby Cremins for the basketball head coaching job? For that matter, EITHER of them -- men or women?

Consider his record: Georgia Tech went from also-ran to consistent winner under Bobby Cremins. He knows the Southeastern Conference, from his years playing at South Carolina. And he can't get any more gray hairs from rebuilding the
program.

Before I forget the Final Four - Instant Message to CBS Sports: How did you arrange for "TROY" to sponsor Saturday night's Final Four games? Troy State didn't even win a game in the N.I.T....

BLOG UPDATE: The St. Jude Dream Home was awarded to a Columbus family Saturday evening. No, my friend at church did NOT buy a $100 ticket. The way things are going, he'll need that money to pay for the gas to drive to and from church.

Speaking of church, my Pastor suggested this weekend recent flooding in Massachusetts is God's punishment for that state's Supreme Court declaring same-sex marriages legal. I can't wait to ask him whose sin led to the flooding in West Point last spring.

COMING THIS WEEK: A final wrap-up of our serious spring cleaning.... and the most unusual commercial endorsement we've seen in quite awhile....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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2 APR 04: SWEET DREAM?

"I may buy a ticket to win that 'Dream Home,'" a friend of mine told me at church the other day. If he does this, he will become the second admitted gambler in my congregation - and prove this group isn't quite as fundamentalist as the Pastor tries to makes it sound.

My friend was talking about the St. Jude Dream Home, which will be given away in a drawing during a Saturday afternoon telethon. A ticket in this big-money raffle costs $100 Reason #1 why I'm not playing: at that price I think a couple of shares of AFLAC stock would be a better investment.

But my friend admitted he was having doubts about whether he should try to win the $260,000 St. Jude Dream Home. "I found out it's in a bad neighborhood," he said. A bad neighborhood?! It's at the Garrett Creek subdivision in Midland! They could have built this house on 30^th Avenue or something.

(Maybe he thinks it's a "bad neighborhood" right now because all the low-priced gas stations are on the other side of town.)

My friend seemed to be thinking out loud about the Dream Home, as he continued: "If I win it, I'd probably sell it - like that man did last year." You may recall the 2003 drawing was won by a Fort Benning soldier who was about to be transferred across the country. I wonder which commanding general lives there now....

I merely listened to my friend talk about the Dream Home - and since he didn't ask for my advice, I didn't give him any. Had he asked at that moment, I probably would have stated Reason #2: the denomination I attend opposes gambling. But then again, a man who openly went on blackjack trips to Biloxi gave sermonettes in my congregation for years.

Several other points have come to mind in the last few days, about buying a Dream Home ticket:

+ Reason #3: The taxes you have to pay if you win -- not only property tax, but income tax for winning a contest. I haven't heard anything about this house having loft space you can rent out.

+ Reason #4: If you're a committed Christian as my friend is, you'll have to pay a tithe on the "income" of winning the house. Somehow I doubt this single man has $26,000 sitting around in the bank.

(Of course, he might try to find creative ways to get around this tithing issue. But my Pastor lives in Macon, and I don't think he'd want to pay $2,000 a month in rent for a place he'd only visit four times a month.)

+ Reason #5: I'm NOT a tax accountant -- but it would seem to me if you sell the house after winning it, you'd wind up being taxed TWICE. The money from the sale would count as income, too. Maybe homeless people figured this all out
already....

+ Reason #6: It's a big four-bedroom house - so who knows what kind of annoying friends and relatives will say they "need a place to stay for a couple of weeks," and wind up never leaving.

+ Reason #7: Each ticket goes to the St. Jude Children's Hospital in Memphis. I'm sure this is a very helpful place - but with 7,500 tickets costing $100 each, couldn't a little of that money go for a Columbus outpatient clinic?

+ Reason #8: The winning name is being drawn on a Saturday afternoon - and my friend keeps the same seventh-day Sabbath I do. Why doesn't he tell these people to wait until after sundown?

E-MAIL UPDATE: Well, spit the dummy! For the first time, we have a blog e-mail from New Zealand:

Did you see the Wardogs team down under game? I would be interested in getting the score as I can't find it anywhere. FYI last years score was 76-6

Australian and New Zeland Football are about at a NAIA or NCAA DIV3 level but obviously lower when you put up the barrier of players paying for themselves.

Great blog. keep it up.

Michael

www.spartans.co.nz

Sorry, Michael, I didn't go to last Sunday's Wardogs game. I was too busy booing and hissing at my television set -- as Georgia Tech beat Kansas in the college basketball playoffs.

TV reports said the Wardogs whipped "Team Down Under" 80-0. So much for it being "Freedom Bowl II" - because Columbus didn't even give the visitors a free drive down the field.

I can understand why Michael couldn't find the score from last Sunday. As of Thursday night, the Wardogs web site had NOT posted it - and in fact, it was still promoting a game which ended four days before. Coach John Fourcade may have declared Team Down Under the Wardogs' "season opener," but no one else seems to agree with him.

Meanwhile, the Georgia Force lost 42-40 to Detroit Thursday night in major-league arena football. What an oxymoron THAT is - "major-league arena football." It's sort of like going to a top-of-the-line pawn shop....

BLOGGER'S NOTE: We may not have any entries for the next few days, as we finish our "major-league" spring cleaning. When it's finished, we promise to explain what we've been doing....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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1 APR 04: FREE CUP OF ICE

Instant Message to Bob Uecker, wherever you are: You missed the chance of a lifetime Wednesday. You could have had a seat in the front row for a Columbus Cottonmouths hockey game, and not paid a penny for it.

Wednesday brought what my Pastor calls a "rare and grand opportunity," which he encourages worshippers to enjoy There was FREE Cottonmouths hockey at the Civic Center! The only problem is, there was no ticket stub to prove to you I
went....

Tuesday night's game between the Cottonmouths and Mississippi was suspended after two periods, due to "ice problems." The Ledger-Enquirer explained this as a gash behind a goal -- so it was NOT that guy in a tutu who interrupted Michelle Kwan at the World Figure Skating Championships.

Because the game was suspended and it's the final week of the regular season, Columbus and Mississippi agreed to resume play with the third period at 11:00 a.m. Wednesday. The Cottonmouths may have stumbled onto something here -a 20-minute "hockey sampler," for fans with tight budgets.

Only one thing stood in the way of my attending the free hockey - my elderly next-door neighbor. She'd reserved me for a 9:00 a.m. drive to the Salvation Army office on Second Avenue. Before you regular blog readers get ahead of this story - no,
she was NOT kicked out of the apartment and asking for eight dollars to get shelter. [18-19 Dec 03]

I was ready for my neighbor at 9:00 a.m. - but she didn't come out of the apartment. I stood around waiting until 9:20 a.m., then decided to do something I was certain would bring her out. Sure enough - as soon as I started a Bible study, she knocked on the door and interrupted it.

It turned out my neighbor changed my Bible study topic as we drove to the Salvation Army. She asked me for some verses on "temptation," since that was going to be her church's study topic Wednesday night. If this woman was 40 years
younger, I might actually have FELT tempted at that moment.

I didn't realize the Salvation Army office is part of the local "food bank network" I've mentioned here, providing assistance for low-income people. My next-door neighbor wound up with a cardboard box loaded with cans. Too bad they were all steel cans, so she couldn't make extra money recycling them.

The morning's errand ended just in time for me to walk to the Civic Center from my downtown apartment for free hockey. On the way, I encountered a sure sign of spring. Familiar uniformed people were busy preparing Golden Park for baseball season. No, not the players -- the Muscogee County Prison inmates....

I'd guess a fairly good crowd of about 1,000 people showed up for the third period. But sad to say, the nacho chips at the concession stand cost $2.50 as usual -- so the Cottonmouths weren't quite THAT generous.

With no tickets to buy, you could sit anywhere you pleased - so I took a third-row seat near the penalty box, right behind two women who led Cottonmouth cheers throughout the period. This again was a rare treat for me. Most of the time, I
wind up starting clapping and cheers at Columbus sports events - and then people sitting near me move away.

A woman one row ahead of me openly admitted to the fans around her: "You can tell what sort of job I have, when I can come here for a hockey game." At 11:00 a.m. with no one sitting next to her, she must be a salesperson who met her quota for March.

This woman one row ahead of me kept dropping insults about Cottonmouths defenseman Ryan Risidore. "He's the worst player on the team," she told me at one point. So if she had her way, he'd be Ryan Out-the-door.

Columbus had a 3-2 lead on Mississippi overnight - but the Sea Wolves scored a goal with about five minutes left, then won 4-3 in a shootout. What a shame. I was hoping to pick up a save or a win, as a "relief fan."

The loss to Mississippi means Columbus is out of the running for the East Coast Hockey League playoffs - even though the Cottonmouths have ten more wins than losses. If only this team played college basketball....

When the Snakes' final shootout attempt failed, I ate my last couple of nacho chips and got up to leave. The concession worker provided me more chips than cheese, thus proving a claim I first learned in that kindergarten classic song "The
Farmer in the Dell" - the cheese stands alone.

COMING FRIDAY: Is a "dream home" in a bad neighborhood? That's one man's opinion....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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31 MAR 04: PARK PLACES

The Columbus Council rejected a proposal Tuesday to build low-income apartments across the street from Flat Rock Park. It's easy to see why the vote went this way. We need to keep title pawn shops as far south of Macon Road as we can.

Councilor Evelyn Turner Pugh told WRBL why she opposed the proposed apartment development: "Where you have a lot of residents, it should stay residential." What does THAT mean? If people who live in apartments aren't residing in them, what are they doing?

(Well, OK - maybe they ARE using those apartments for Metro Squad drug stings....)

Councilor Gary Allen said many of his colleagues were concerned about the size of the apartment development. It would have 128 units merely in "Phase 1." If other phases match it, before long Flat Rock Park will be Columbus's answer to Atlanta's Piedmont Park - walled in by skyscrapers.

Even with the Council vote against the apartment development, zoning near Flat Rock Park still allows for construction to begin. Developer Gary Hall simply wanted city backing for his plan. The Council hasn't "got his back" - but Hall's turning
it to them anyway.

Tuesday's Council vote followed a testy meeting about the proposed apartments Monday night at Blanchard Middle School. One opponent of the project said while she's for one Columbus, "I don't want their South coming to my North." So
why don't you move your North to their South, and try to improve the property values there?

Developer Gary Hall took offense to the complaints of homeowners, who fear "low-income apartments" will ruin their neighborhood. Maybe he has a point. After all, the Peabody Apartments made Three Arts Theatre look so attractive for
years.

Someone pointed out Tuesday the proposed "low-income apartments" near Flat Rock Park are affordable for the income range of Columbus police officers and firefighters. Either this was a cynical comment by the Fraternal Order of Police - or the design plans should be adjusted to build a precinct inside that complex, just like Baker Village.

The core issue in this debate is whether low-income housing should be located in all sections of Columbus - even in areas considered well-to-do. We could flip the coin and suggest high-end housing be built in low-income neighborhoods. But enough people winning lottery jackpots ought to take care of that....

BLOG UPDATE: Columbus law officers began three-day classes in "servant leadership" Tuesday at Columbus State University. I'm still not sure about this idea - because police may decide to serve more arrest warrants and speeding tickets.

COMING THURSDAY: Free hockey at the Civic Center at 11:00 a.m.?! We may have to change our plans....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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29 MAR 04: YOU DON'T KNOW JACK

Boo-hoo. Look at what the Sunday e-mail brought:

Here's a little something for your blog spot!

"K-Od"

AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR!

Georgia Tech polishes off Kansas with an 8-OH run in OT! Did you hear that ? Yeah BaBeeeeeeee! Have a nice offseason!

Sincerely,

TECH Fan!

For some sports fans, March truly goes out like a lion and not a lamb....

Georgia Tech is heading for the college basketball men's Final Four, after pulling out an overtime win over my dear old Kansas. But for a while there Sunday, it appeared the biggest "Ramblin' Wreck" of the weekend was B.J. Elder's aching
ankle.

Jarrett Jack jumped in to fill the gap caused by B.J. Elder's injury, leading Georgia Tech in scoring with 29 points. And for most of the season, I thought Jarrett Jack should have been the name of pro wrestler Jeff Jarrett's tag-team partner.

It's been 14 years since Georgia Tech played in the men's Final Four. That was with the team fans in Atlanta called "Lethal Weapon 3." Considering Tech's record in recent seasons, maybe this team will become known as "Dawn of the Dead."

Kansas battled from behind much of the day against Georgia Tech, but I was a bit surprised that the game wound up in overtime. Jayhawk guard Aaron Miles forced up some shots in the last two minutes that made me wish he'd transfer to Arkansas -- because he was "hogging" the ball so much.

When the final horn sounded in St. Louis, I called my brother and sister-in-law back home in Kansas City. My sister-in-law accused me of sounding too much like a Chicago Cubs fan, by already talking about next year.

My brother comforted me, however, with the news that Kansas only loses center Jeff Graves to graduation this spring - and has three good recruits coming in next fall. Of course, the skeptic in me wonders how good these freshmen really will be. After all, none of them are going directly into the N.B.A. draft.

To be honest, when the college basketball season started I had Georgia Tech's Paul Hewitt on my "coaches most likely to be fired" list. Now he's heading to the Final Four - and Bobby Cremins still is somewhere in South Carolina, waiting for the
phone to ring to invite him back.

BIG PREDICTION: When Georgia Tech takes on Oklahoma State Saturday night at the Final Four, there STILL will be no Columbus radio station broadcasting the game. I was on Interstate 185 Sunday, and was stunned to find even the big sports-talk station in LaGrange didn't carry the G.T.-K.U. game. C'mon, guys - the baseball games in Florida don't count.

And lest I forget, congratulations are in order to Auburn University. The men's and women's swimming teams BOTH have won national titles! What made these athletes swim so fast this month? Were they afraid Ed Richardson might fire the coaches?

COMING THIS WEEK: A contest I hope a church friend of mine does NOT win...

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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28 MAR 04: A.F. x 2

Instant Message to "Team Down Under": We're glad to have you Australian football players in Columbus for the weekend - but did you happen to bring "Waltzing Matilda" with you? I've heard so much about her, but I've never been quite sure who she is....

Team Down Under is a group of football players from Australia, which take on the Columbus Wardogs in a preseason game today. Coach John Fourcade says he's treating it like the regular season opener - the same way Florida's football team tries to open the season with a pushover like Bethune-Cookman.

The Team Down Under-Wardogs game is billed on the Civic Center marquee as "Freedom Bowl II." So did I miss Freedom Bowl I last year? Was it one of those Pacelli High School games at Doughboy Stadium or something?

The visitors from the Southern Hemisphere have been billed as an Australian national team. While the players technically are from there, the title is a bit misleading -- because an online check I did found NO trace of an Australian arena football league. I'm not sure they even play the electric version.

The Australians have some budding outdoor teams and leagues, but they do NOT call our game "American football." They call it "gridiron" for short - which shows they're still about 30 years behind U.S. sports reporters.

The only arena football event I could find online involving Australia was an exhibition awhile back in Sydney. In fact, a "Team Down Under" which took on AF-2's Quad Cities team last March never had played the indoor version of football before. So don't be surprised if there's as much "yellow" on the field as on the unwashed cars in the parking lot.

(By the way, last year's Quad Cities game did NOT have a score kept. So if you're looking for a 100-point game today, watch Dallas play Orlando on the NBA telecast before going to see the Wardogs.)

There IS a New Zealand American Football Association, which has provided players for Team Down Under. They include a 335-pound lineman who has the nickname "Twinkle Toes." [True!] Give a U.S. lineman a nickname like this, and his agent might file a "defamation of character" lawsuit.

So what do the Aussies call "football?" Not soccer or even rugby - but a wonderfully wild game called "Australian Rules Football." I became hooked on this during college, when ESPN showed an hour of highlights every weekend. This was before arena football was invented, so it gave football junkies something between May and August besides NFL Films clips.

This happens to be the opening weekend of THEIR A.F.L. season in Australia - and the issue is whether the Brisbane Lions can win their fourth championship in a row. Compare that with the N.F.L., where the Detroit Lions might not win one in our lifetimes.

By the way, Team Down Under is not the only international "gridiron" squad visiting AF-2 franchises. A Japanese all-star team played in Louisville last weekend -- thus providing struggling sumo wrestlers an extra chance to make some money.

BLOG UPDATE: You'll be relieved to know there's a new back door on my apartment - with no window, but a much tighter fit. It even has a metal strip along the bottom, to make sure nothing undesirable gets in. So of course, two big cockroaches perched themselves on the kitchen wall Thursday night to taunt me, anyway.

And how about those Kansas Jayhawks - racking up 100 points on Alabama-Birmingham in the regional semifinals? My old alma mater takes on Georgia Tech for the St. Louis Regional title today. If the Jayhawks win, I'll be able to annoy people on both sides of the state line all spring.

BLOGGER'S NOTE: Don't expect many updates for the next week or so, because our SERIOUS spring cleaning is in its final stages....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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26 MAR 04: ON A MISSION FROM GOD

Did you see me sing selections from my debut album Thursday night, during the Valley Rescue Mission telethon? In a way, my prayers were answered - because TV-16 probably picked up a few extra viewers from the early basketball games being so boring.

Thursday night marked my first visit to WCGT TV-16 on Hamilton Road - and I was amazed at how small the station is. In fact, it's SO SMALL that the managers probably enter drawings to win double-wide mobile homes.

I arrived at TV-16 about an hour before my scheduled singing time, and found a few Valley Rescue Mission residents outside near a tent. They'd promised me a telethon in a studio, and for a minute it looked like I'd walked into a camp meeting.

"Do you like your hot dog crispy or not-so-crispy?" asked a man cooking franks on a grill. The man admitted he's been cooking in the dark for more than an hour - so I was thankful he didn't put a charcoal briquet on my bun.

One man admitted at about 8:15 p.m. the telethon's hot dogs and buns were "enough food to feed an army." Or maybe one night's attendance at the Valley Rescue Mission in mid-January....

Three groups of people answered phones during the Valley Rescue Mission telethon. During the time I was in the office building with phones - well, I'd rather not say it was slow. Let's just say TV and radio newsrooms get more calls on mornings when the forecast merely CALLS for snow.

I showed up early to volunteer my services as needed - and I filled in at a phone for one man who took a break. This was during the hour when the telethon was taking bids on a computer, and I took a call from someone asking if it was new.
Nope, it was a refurbished P.C. - since this is Valley Rescue Mission, not Best Buy.

After a couple of minutes with only one call taken, the man came back from his break. "Sir - you're fired," he told me.

"Thank you, Mister Trump," I answered.

I've learned the habit of warming up my voice before I sing - and as I went up and down scales outside the studio, a young woman asked me if I knew the "What are you going to sing today?' scale. I misunderstood her and answered, "Yes, I do know what I'm going to sing."

(She also said I could do a "do-re-mi" scale if I wished. Well, of course I could - and probably I should have. Doing jazzy scat singing up and down the scale might have offended some of these religious people.)

"You can get a parting gift," the woman added as she showed me a folding table on the lawn outside the studio.

"Well, hold on a minute. I'm not parting yet. I still have to sing." Was she trying to distract me out of being on live TV?

WMLF Radio's Jim Foster was the emcee of the Valley Rescue Mission telethon. But I'm sad to report he was NOT quite on the level of Jerry Lewis or Ed McMahon. For one thing, during the afternoon he asked when Leap Year is - apparently unaware February 29^th occurred less than a month ago.

The Valley Rescue Mission telethon had a goal of $50,000 in pledges. But sadly, the donations came in slowly. After one hour, the tote board showed only $1,987 -- and then Jim Foster had to start competing with Elizabeth White wearing a St. Jude Dream Home T-shirt.

When I walked into the tiny TV-16 studio, the tote board still was below $4,000. I wondered if there was some "reality show" twist going on - and at the last minute, someone would rush in and tape a zero next to the right number.

"We haven't raised anywhere near what I wanted," Jim Foster admitted to Mission Director Gary Hartman at 10:35 p.m. Maybe the reason was on the schedule clipboard. I hardly saw any African-American people on the air - and I can't imagine the mission sends all those needy people to the House of Mercy.

The unofficial final pledge total to the Valley Rescue Mission was $5,437. Jim Foster promised he'd get a live on-air buzz-cut if the total reached $50,000 -- so perhaps most viewers decided they prefer his hair the way it is.

Some well-known names on TV-16 DID make donations during the telethon. Jim Foster announced $100 pledges during the evening from Mike Gaymon of the Chamber of Commerce and talk show host Jerry Laquire. But as far as I know, Miriam Tidwell didn't even donate any appetizers.

Maybe apathy is busting out all over Columbus. A Rainbow/PUSH Coalition rally Thursday night for the recall of Sheriff Ralph Johnson attracted only about 20 people. Was the rerun of "The Parkers" on Fox-54 THAT good an episode?

By the way, the "parting gifts" I picked up after singing my two songs were a Valley Rescue Mission pen, tote bag and large coffee mug. But some of my friends will be disappointed to learn there was NO music box playing the Mission's TV jingle.

BLOG UPDATE:Go ahead, hate me - when Alabama-Birmingham meets Kansas tonight in the NCAA men's basketball tournament, I'll be hoping Kansas wins. But I will NOT watch the game - since as your dictionary clearly shows, God comes before hoops.

I've seen my old alma mater K.U. play U.A.B. once before - not in basketball, but football. On a whim, I decided a few years ago to drive to Legion Field on a Saturday evening to see the teams play. I knew it would be a slow three-hour ride, with no interstate - but when Sylacauga feels like a big city, you know it's a boring trip.

I carried only a vague map of Birmingham, so I easily got lost downtown trying to find Legion Field. For one thing, the stadium isn't really downtown at all - so it was hidden by all the bank skyscrapers.

When I finally found Legion Field, I parked on grass a long way from the stadium - but I parked for free. This shows UAB is smaller than Auburn University - because on game days, I think the closest free parking spot to Jordan-Hare Stadium is near Loachapoka.

Because I started late and became so mixed-up trying to find Legion Field, I heard the first half of the Kansas-UAB game on WERC radio. For some reason, the Blazers didn't have a "radio network" - as if Columbus stations would broadcast their games. After all, no Columbus station carried Alabama-Syracuse Thursday night.

(By the way, how about what Dick Enberg called the "Bama Boys!" They bounced defending champion and Kansas-conquering Syracuse out of the tournament 80-71 in Arizona. It looks like for a couple of days, Alabama has TWO Phenix Cities - one of them with an "o.")

Having never been to Legion Field before, I walked all the way around the station trying to find the ticket window - and when I did, halftime was over and the window was closed. What was I going to do now? My Birmingham map didn't even
list any nightclubs....

But then a strange thing happened. I was motioned to a gate of Legion Field - and they let me in without a ticket, for FREE! The thing is, I wasn't even dressed like an N.F.L. scout.

Even though I missed the first half, the KU-UAB game wound up going to four overtime periods -- and on that night, the Jayhawks finally made a defensive stop and won the game. So you see, Kansas has momentum heading into tonight's
showdown in St. Louis. It's the speed of a melting glacier, but it's something....

COMING THIS WEEKEND: Do they really play arena football in Australia? We're going to check.... and oh yes, an update on my back door....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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25 MAR 04: DREAM-WORKS

I returned home from work Wednesday afternoon to find a surprising note taped to my front door: "RICHARD - WILL BE PUTTING YOU A NEW BACK DOOR ON TOMORROW." Some people write exactly as they talk, even if the words are jumbled a bit.

The note about a new back door astonished me - because believe it or not, I had a dream Tuesday night along these lines. I dreamed the back door of my apartment was off its hinges, and I couldn't put it back on. Of course, I was a realist in this dream - and was more concerned about people walking right in and stealing my computer.

The landlord of my apartment complex is putting on a new back door as he does an all-around painting job. It's about time this happened, because the brown paint on the back door is peeling badly. One more good slam, and I feared only the wood base would be left.

The good news is I'll have a new back door, which hopefully will seal better than the current one. When a thunderstorm came from the south right after I moved in, I actually had to mop up rain which dribbled over the threshold and into the kitchen. A hurricane might have left me with the cleanest floor in town.

I suspect that gap at the bottom of the back door is also how countless cockroaches have wandered into the apartment over the years. I've tried to push them out that same gap with my feet and brooms - but for some odd reason, they're too lazy to go find a home of their own.

The bad news about the new back door came Wednesday afternoon, when a painter stopped by to make sure I received his note. The new door will NOT have windows, as my current one does - because he said that would cost too much. Maybe if I had given the landlord a tip, on top of my rent....

The three-paned windows on the old back door let in plenty of sunlight. It's been great for breakfast on chilly winter mornings, and adds a nice touch as I prepare dinner on Friday evenings. And when storm clouds gather south of Golden
Park, it's a safe way to chase tornadoes.

The window on the back door also allowed me a look at Golden Park's post-game fireworks shows during baseball seasons. Of course, those happened when the RedStixx were in town. Now we have the Catfish -- and they may settle for depth charges in the Chattahoochee.

With a last "10-4, back door," we check other quick things from Wednesday:

+ A group in a romantic feud on "The Jerry Springer Show" announced they were from Georgia - whereupon the entire audience stood up, and started square dancing all over the studio! And all this time, I thought only the guests were given
alcohol before the show....

+ Two Columbus Cottonmouth hockey players bought tickets in the St. Jude Dream Home drawing. For $100, it's a good investment for these guys. If they win, the team wouldn't dare cut them next season.

+ Instant Message to WRBL: Did I read the screen right Wednesday - that this weekend at a hockey game, the Cottonmouths are giving away "1,500 free U.S. Army PUNKS" ?! If Fort Benning drill sergeants can't break these guys, why do they think the fans can?

COMING FRIDAY: Full coverage of my trip to a telethon.... and a trip a few years ago to Birmingham....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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24 MAR 04: ADVISE AND CONSENT

Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff revealed Tuesday he's setting up a "public safety advisory commission." He did this on the advice of the Council's Public Safety Committee - which in a way makes you wonder why the Committee didn't give themselves the job.

The Public Safety Advisory Commission will include the Columbus Police Chief and Fire Chief, the Muscogee County Marshal and Sheriff, as well as the Mayor and City Manager. With all these officeholders involved, they might as well hold meetings at the Government Center's café.

The Public Safety Advisory Commission also will include "other community representatives." It's not yet clear what this will mean -- but given who else is serving, Calvin Smyre and Seth Harp soon may have new titles.

It appears Mayor Poydasheff will appoint the "other community representatives" to the Public Safety Advisory Commission. He sounds like he wants ordinary citizens involved - which may be hard, because most ordinary citizens don't even bother to vote in city elections.

Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier called the formation of a Public Safety Advisory Commission "a positive," and said he has nothing to hide. Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson had no comment on camera - again implying he DOES.

But Columbus Councilor Red McDaniel opposes the formation of even an advisory commission. He served on a citizen board in the 1960's, and he says it was "too political." Wow - you mean Muscogee County actually had two political parties back then?!

The news about an advisory commission came during a Columbus Council work session on public safety pay. TV reports indicated one big issue is a "60-percent pension plan." They don't get it, do they? People want 100 percent of a plan, or
nothing.

Now other notes from a yellow-tinted, pollen-filled Tuesday:

+ The John B. Amos Cancer Center held a "Colon Cancer Awareness Dinner" at the Trade Center. If you're in remission for this illness, do you have semi-colon cancer?!

+ Sumter County School Superintendent Dr. Franklin Perry defended a recent pay raise to $144,000, saying: "If anything, I feel underpaid." If he ever loses that job, he has a great future as an agent for major league baseball players.

+ The Georgia Lottery unveiled a new "Fast Cash" game, with pictures of NASCAR drivers on scratch-off cards. They do NOT include Jimmy Spencer's picture - because some drivers might be tempted to scratch his face out instead.

+ The Auburn women's basketball team was knocked out of the NCAA tournament by Connecticut. My fourth-grade teacher taught me you pronounce this state CONNECT-i-cut, saying all the C's as in Antarctica. But then again, her name was Mrs. Ducret - with a silent T.

+ Instant Message to WRBL: About that new web poll question you showed on the news Tuesday, "Could 9/11 been stopped?" - is that only for high school dropouts?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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23 MAR 04: HUNGRY?

Did you hear about the disgusting scene at "Flea Market City" on Victory Drive? Police say Ivan Bradley killed a cat there Sunday - then skinned it, so he could EAT it! [True/WTVM] Obviously this man is into the Atkins Diet, because he DID remove the skin....

(I've heard for years there's "more than one way to skin a cat," but this is the first time I've ever heard of anyone staging a demonstration.)

Ivan Bradley could go to prison for animal cruelty, after his arrest on charges of killing and skinning a cat. To do this sort of thing truly fits the definition of a cat-astrophe....

(What puzzles me about this case is that Flea Market City isn't too far down Victory Drive from restaurants such as Wendy's, Taco Bell and Krystal. If this man is stooping to eating cats, what's really in THEIR food?)

And another thing: the phone book lists the location of this alleged cat-skinning as "Flea Market City and SNACK BAR." It looks like it's time to upgrade the menu from candy bars....

Speaking of strange foods: I've mentioned in Blogger's Notes that I'm doing spring cleaning right now. The good news is things are going well. But the strangest development so far occurred Sunday afternoon -- a box of chewed-up crayons in a
drawer. Before you ask: no, I stop at chewing pencils and pens.

I have a little box of eight Crayola crayons, which I picked up with a free coupon from Kroger years ago. I use them for markers once in awhile -- but I don't go as far as the Olive Branch restaurant, and put them on the kitchen table for visitors.

Of the eight Crayola crayons, black was torn almost in half -- and maybe I broke that one awhile back. But an inch of the blue crayon was devoured about halfway in, paper and all. I'm guessing the roaches in my house consider the darker colors to be more full-bodied in flavor.

On the other hand, the green and yellow crayons in the box seemed untouched by the hungry bugs. Hmmmm.... maybe roaches avoid eating vegetables like many of the rest of us.

But then again, the red and orange crayons had well-chewed paper wrappers - with NO damage to the crayons themselves. So maybe all these roaches want is fiber in their diets.

I've become convinced over the years that roaches are attracted to certain items by their smells. If they're near a drawer, they smell the distinct odor of crayons and give them a try. And from the dead bugs I've found in open glasses, a few drops
of orange juice makes them drunk.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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22 MAR 04: MO, MO, MO!

Instant Message to all the residents of LaFayette: Thank you for calling WRBL Sunday afternoon. That HAD to be the reason we finally saw your hometown star playing for Alabama-Birmingham in the second half of its playoff game against Kentucky. In the first half, the Alabama border might as well have been drawn around Sylacauga.

LaFayette High grad Mo Finley hit the game-winning jumper in the final seconds, as UAB upset top-seeded Kentucky in the second round of the men's basketball playoffs. Probably no one in Alabama knows enough about Broadway shows to have the headline: "MO BETTERS BLUE."

CBS's Dick Enberg said early in the second half "the whole town" of LaFayette was watching Mo Finley play for UAB. Well, they probably didn't in the first half - because WRBL showed Pittsburgh-Wisconsin instead. Be thankful NCAA Sports offers live streaming video on the Internet....

Admittedly Pittsburgh-Wisconsin was a better matchup, but WRBL not showing UAB for a half made me realize something. Just like some say there are "two Georgias," there also can be "two Alabamas" - well, make that three. There's Birmingham, for one. And sometimes I think Mobile and Pensacola should form a state with Biloxi and New Orleans.

The UAB KO of KY (translated "knockout of Kentucky") means the Blazers get to face dear old Kansas in the regional semifinals next Friday. With Georgia Tech playing Nevada in the other game - well, the cloud of worry over my head seems
to have disappeared with that cold front.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: I happened to see a UAB-Kansas battle in person several years ago -- for free. More on that later this week....)

Georgia Tech advanced to the round of 16 with a hard-fought win over Boston College. It was one of those rare times when a Southern college could tell B.C. to "take a powder...."

We shouldn't overlook Alabama, which upset top-seeded Stanford on Saturday in Seattle. With two colleges from Alabama in the round of 16, fired Auburn coach Cliff Ellis looks more like a slacker than ever.

Since we're talking sports here, did you see the implosion of Philadelphia's Veterans Stadium Sunday? That could never happen in Columbus. Jim Rhodes would strap himself to a pillar, to protect anything with "veteran" in its name....

BLOG UPDATE: The Rainbow/PUSH Coalition begins a 45-day drive to recall Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson today. The coalition needs to get about 30,000 names on petitions - so don't be surprised to find petition sheets covering the pizzas delivered to your door.

In an interview shown on TV Sunday night, Dr. William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH said he'll take a broad-based approach to the recall drive. "We're going to reach out to the Hispanics, we're going to reach out to the Koreans, we're going to appeal to members of the clergy.... to fraternities and sororities...." He named about every group except the Caucasians.

COMING TUESDAY: A spring cleaning report.... or what roaches eat when they're desperate for dinner....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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21 MAR 04: CITY SNAPSHOTS

I didn't have my camera for these snapshots from the last few days -- so please use your imagination to picture them.

SCENE 1: "Man!" said the man sitting next to me at a library as I used an Internet computer. "Is that a Spalding watch?"

Yes, it was a Spalding on my wrist. No, I hadn't come to the library to sell it.

"Yes," I said - then felt compelled to add details, to satisfy this man's curiosity. "I bought it for $19.95, at a Kmart in Panama City Beach."

I remembered this well because on my vacation last fall, I lost my old digital watch somewhere between Columbus and Panama City Beach. Either I left it in a field at Eufaula's Admiral Moorer Middle School where I exercised, at a Hardee's in Dothan where I stopped for dinner - or it flew out the car window somewhere along U.S. 431.

"Are you a basketball official or something?" For some reason, the man was unsatisfied with my answer. I hadn't realized Spalding had become the new Rolex.

"No," I repeated. "I bought it at a Kmart store in Panama City Beach for $19.95." I needed a watch during vacation because I was at a church convention, and morning choir rehearsals began at 8:00 a.m. Looking back, I guess I was expected to sleep on the beach during late afternoons.

I should note the Spalding watch I bought at Kmart has a silver band, with a blue face. There's no gold of any sort. So why was this stranger so interested in it? Was he planning to impress somebody at a sports banquet over the weekend?

(I'll resist the urge to describe the color of the watchband as "Spalding Gray....")

After I explained the point of purchase for a second time, the man sitting next to me didn't say anything else. Perhaps he went to Kmart and bought one of his own. Or perhaps he was disappointed that I wasn't a scout or an agent, ready to offer him a contract.

SCENE 2: A different library branch on Friday afternoon. This time the notebook for signing in to use Internet computers is gone.

"Do you have your library card?" the woman at the desk asked. Sadly, I did not -- so the public access computers now are off limits to people without cards. These libraries are getting as bad as CVS stores....

I clean my clothes at a laundromat on South Lumpkin Road, practically across the street from the South Columbus Branch Library. I normally start the washers, walk over the bridge built for South Columbus Elementary students and have a fast
online session. Deleting spam is SO much easier with DSL lines.

But as of Friday, the rules for public access computers were different - and to be honest, I'd been warned this change was coming. Normally I carry a library card on these trips, so it would have been no big deal. But at this time of year, I'm too
concerned about squeezing all my spring-cleaning dust cloths in the hamper without any falling out.

SCENE 3: The Friday evening news on WRBL confirmed the city is installing new street signs with larger print. I'd seen these on Martin Luther King Drive - but I wondered why they aren't along 13^th Street, where all the eye care centers are.

What struck me is that the federal government is requiring cities such as Columbus to make street signs larger and easier to read. Talk about a case of BIG government....

SCENE 4: On a quiet Saturday morning which officially began spring, I took a walk to admire the beauty of the historic district. Outside a house on 8^th Street I found two poles with small breathing lizards on each side. You can guess what I thought right away - they're geckos, and the residents saved a bunch on their car insurance with Geico.

I think the two small lizards on the poles were salamanders, showing off their gills as they breathed. I didn't dare disturb them - because who knows how much noise they would have made, setting every dog in the neighborhood to barking.

SCENE 5: At church this weekend, my Pastor admitted he had a hard time focusing on his driving. After all, we meet in a hall that's almost in the "Thunder in the Valley" flight line - and more drivers were looking up than left or right.

My Pastor made another comment this weekend on "The Passion of the Christ," noting NO anti-Semitic acts have occurred since the movie came out. But he read a short item quoting star Jim Caviezel as calling the film "very Catholic" - so I get the feeling my Pastor considers it really anti-Protestant.

But the oddest part came late at night, as I went through my e-mail. One of those online surveys on "What America Eats" asked me a series of questions about my Saturday dining out - and that included the snack table at church! I can't believe I
had to answer three times the snacks cost me nothing.

Now some other quick scattered notes from the weekend:

+ Lake Eufaula hosted a big BASS professional fishing tournament. This makes for quite a varied weekend. You go to "Thunder in the Valley" Saturday for all the noise - then go to the lake Sunday so your ears can heal.

+ The blue team beat the white team 24-16 in the "A-Day" spring game at Auburn University. We expect the white team will be called into Ed Richardson's office Monday morning and be fired.

+ Well, whattaya know - my alma mater Kansas WON its first NCAA tournament game after all! The upset occurred just across the bracket, as the Jayhawks are playing #12 seed Pacific this afternoon. That'll teach me to learn how to worry from
Scott Miller....

+ Instant Message to Higher Power Outreach Ministries of Phenix City: Did we hear the woman on the radio right? Is Johnny Robinson really "the best pastor this side of heaven?" Then how come he isn't even the best-known pastor in Phenix City?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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19 MAR 04: OVER THE CLIFF

Instant Message to Auburn University Interim President Ed Richardson: Are you watching "The Apprentice" too much? You seem to be firing one staff member every day....

Ed Richardson's latest firing came Thursday morning, as Auburn men's basketball coach Cliff Ellis was dismissed. The "Birmingham News" broke the news of a possible firing Wednesday night - but a morning meeting made the story a real
Cliff-hanger.

(Hopefully he'll leave some advice for his successor -- maybe in the form of Cliff Notes.)

One reporter went to Cliff Ellis's home for a comment about his firing by Auburn. She reportedly was greeted at the door by a crying neighbor. So it's just as the sportscasters say - a case of "the hoop and the harm."

Cliff Ellis also broke down later, during a short news conference. He walked out after praising journalists for being "fair" to him over the last ten years. When a sports coach likes the reporters more than the managers above him, it's a sure sign of job trouble.

Cliff Ellis coached Auburn to two "Sweet 16" appearances in the NCAA tournament. But this season the Tigers were 14-14, with NO post-season appearance. Who would have guessed the National Invitational Tournament would be so NIT-picky.

Yes, I'm aware only last week [12 Mar] I declared Cliff Ellis IN and not out as Auburn basketball coach. But keep in mind, I based that answer on Athletic Director David Housel not shooting himself in the foot again. I didn't expect Ed Richardson to pull out his own gun and take matters into his own hands.

Cliff Ellis's ouster came one day after Interim President Ed Richardson fired Auburn University's Vice President of Academic Affairs, Betty Dement. So if Mr. Richardson is being even-handed, he'll fire a student sometime today.

Former Auburn assistant and current Columbus State coach Herbert Greene said he will NOT apply for the head coaching job at A.U. This leaves an unanswered question - does Greene have an agent, who will apply for him?

Meanwhile, Alabama's basketball team had a narrow escape on Thursday's opening day of the NCAA tournament. The Tide edged Southern Illinois 65-64 -- so to borrow from CBS's score box, their season record is not SO IL'ed.

The CBS shorthand for college names has puzzled me at times. Southern Illinois was shortened to "SO IL" Thursday - and Texas Tech appeared in the corner of the screen as "TEX T." I think Cingular Wireless suggested that one, so people would send more TEX T messages.

WRBL continued a strange Columbus tradition again this year, by cancelling its late news after the tournament games. Apparently when basketball games last until after midnight, "on my side" means sleeping.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Speaking of roundball, we were quite surprised to get this message about Columbus State University's playoff appearance [15 Mar]:

Richard,

Thanks for the mention. I've read your "Blog" for several months now and I always enjoy it. It's very entertaining.

By the way when I mentioned CSU was a team that couldn't get a break, I wasn't talking about officiating. I simply meant that this was a team that had to make it through the ordeal of Jed Bedford's death in December. Not only did they lose a good friend and team Captain, the practical effect of losing a player who led the nation in 3 pt. shooting was huge. Yet these guys fought back to win enough games to make it to the NCAA tournament. After winning the regional quarterfinal game in dramatic fashion on Saturday night, they "caught a bad break" for the Kennesaw game. Brown who made the winning shot and scored 31 points couldn't play and Deshawn Bowman, the best point guard in the league twisted his ankle in the game and wasn't close to being full speed. However, that's the way it goes in sports sometimes.

There's no question that I put a great deal of emotion into my broadcasts and yes I do worry about everything! I can convince you that CSU couldn't beat Midland Middle School on a good day!! Why do you think I have very little hair left? That's just my style. Hopefully some people have enjoyed it over the years.

Again, I enjoy your writings and thanks for listening to the games.

Scott Miller

Thanks for the nice comments, Scott. You're right, the Cougars DID fight back hard this season.-- and if necessary, you would have taken the floor and fought for them.

(Wow, Midland Middle School could challenge the C.S.U. basketball team?! This could change the planning of a lot of N.B.A. scouts....)

BLOG UPDATE: Theft charges against Columbus patrol officer Larry Lightning were dropped Thursday, two days after they were filed. The charges came and went with the speed of - well, Lightning.

A Recorder's Court judge threw out the theft charges against Larry Lightning after two former Spectrum store clerks testified they gave the officer items as a courtesy. OK, so when does that constitute bribe-taking?

(Giving a police officer bottled water as a "courtesy" is understandable. But Larry Lightning also was accused of taking beer from the Fort Benning Road convenience store. If more stores did this, the police officer shortage might end in a
hurry.)

Attorney Mark Shelnutt told WRBL it wasn't Officer Larry Lightning's fault if store workers let him have a "line of credit," which he repaid over time. We can't wait to be first in our block to have a Spectrum credit card, with a $100 limit.

It's surprising to hear Larry Lightning's theft charges were dropped, because someone is spreading rumors around Columbus that several police officers are involved in a shoplifting ring. I don't know if those rumors are true - but shouldn't
officers go about this differently? For instance, take the items "downtown for fingerprinting."

BLOGGER'S NOTE: Daily blogging may diminish over the next couple of weeks, due to our annual spring clean-up....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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18 MAR 04: JUMPING AT BENNING

The 104^th Transportation Company returned home to Fort Benning Wednesday, after about a year in Iraq. It's truly good to have all the soldiers home - but I sort of hoped they'd bring some barrels of oil back, to lower the gas price.

Will any of these GI's go back to Iraq? Not if they can help it. A junior officer at Fort Benning told me the other day large numbers of soldiers plan to get out of the army, instead of reenlisting. The dream of getting in the audience on an all-military "Price is Right" apparently isn't good enough....

This junior officer says the turnover in soldiers is for a reason you might not have heard about: bad Army leadership. He claims senior officers who chickened out of fights in Iraq are receiving medals and promotions. Wait until the Democrats hear about this - since they think President Bush did this sort of thing years ago.

The junior officer cited one specific situation near Nasiriyah, Iraq, where a platoon got bogged down in a minefield. He says top officers who snuck out without leading the other troops were awarded Silver Stars. No one else received one -- so
I guess they had to go to a dollar store and buy a book of stickers.

The junior officer suggested morale is a problem in the Army, because officers lacking in leadership keep getting promoted. If there's anything the U.S. military doesn't need, of course, it's a dose of democracy.

(Maybe the winner of the Presidential election should name Donald Trump Secretary of Defense. Then he could fire one slacker every week.)

I can understand what this junior officer is saying, about morale problems and questionable leadership in the Army. But doesn't this sort of thing happen in other walks of life? These soldiers might have taken jobs at Enron, you know....

Now if you don't mind (or even if you do), we're going to send some Instant Messages:

+ To the Columbus office of Habitat for Humanity: If you find the bum who vandalized those nine newly-built homes on Brown Avenue, I have a suggestion. Make that person repair all the damage - by himself, without any help.

+ To the Perk Avenue coffee shop on Veterans Parkway: Am I misunderstanding your big sign - or is Coca-Cola sponsoring "The Passion of the Christ?" I thought Jesus was given vinegar to drink.

+ To the Three Brothers Taqueria: Your new restaurant on Veterans Parkway certainly stands out from the crowd. I can't think of any other Mexican restaurant with a name in English.

+ To Lil' Kim's Cove on 4^th Street: OK, I give up. Why are you flying flags of the United Nations, South Korea and Alabama outside your club -- but NOT the Georgia flag? You're on the Columbus side of the bridge, after all....

COMING FRIDAY: Uh-oh, Scott Miller's reading my blog....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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17 MAR 04: GET OUTTA HERE!

Several events in the news Tuesday got me thinking about withdrawing from places. The biggest one had nothing to do with U.S. forces departing Iraq -- but was about an Athletic Director departing Auburn.

David Housel announced he'll step down as Auburn University Athletic Director next January. But even this might not satisfy the Auburn trustees - who want him to take the blame for starting that recent fire in downtown Tuskegee.

David Housel says by setting a January 2005 departure date, he'll give Auburn plenty of time to find a replacement. So when does the bus leave for Louisville?

David Housel is an Auburn graduate, who's been on the Plains ever since he was a student. He says he should NOT be remembered for one mistake over a 34-year career. That seems fair -- so blame him for bungling Terry Bowden's departure,
as well as the Louisville trip.

I didn't realize until Tuesday that before becoming Athletic Director, David Housel spent eight years as a journalism professor at Auburn University. The question now becomes: when did Housel change his mind about "sunshine laws" and
full disclosure?

To be fair, David Housel has some good points from his ten years as Auburn Athletic Director. For instance, A.U. has won five national championships. Hmmmm.... when was the last time a swimming coach became a big-time Athletic Director?

As David Housel was making news in Auburn, the METRA bus service in Columbus was showing off its new historic exhibit - a 1950's-era bus called the "Freedom Express." With a name like that, you'd think TV news crews would have had the freedom to show the inside of it....

I'm told METRA Director Lisa Goodwin allowed the Ledger-Enquirer to take pictures inside the "Freedom Express" bus, but barred TV news crews from doing so. Considering a statue of Rosa Parks is aboard this civil rights museum piece, this is
amazing - a modern day case of being moved to the back of the bus.

Lisa Goodwin told one reporter if TV crews showed the inside of the "Freedom Express" bus, there would be no reason for visitors to come. This obviously explains why no one shows up at Georgia home football games anymore (ahem)....

And then there's the Columbus police officer who was put on leave Tuesday, after being arrested on five counts of "theft by taking." Don't you love that sort of legal language? When someone is arrested for "theft by giving," that WILL be news.

Veteran officer Larry Lightning is accused of stealing various items from a Spectrum store on Fort Benning Road since last December. As the store's commercial says, "You want it fast, fresh and friendly" - but it never says free.

Police records suggest Larry Lightning had help from three Spectrum employees in stealing gasoline, beer and bottled water. After mulling this combination over, I think the bottled water costs the most per gallon.

(C'mon now - stealing bottled water?!?! Couldn't some little child let this nice officer borrow a garden hose for a couple of minutes?)

Larry Lightning is on leave from the Columbus P.D., pending the misdemeanor theft counts. The timing of this couldn't be worse - as Officer Lightning could have been the talk of "Thunder in the Valley" this weekend.

I really hesitate to bring this up -- but since someone else probably will: there's a clear and obvious reason why Officer Larry Lightning's mug shot has appeared on TV, while former deputy David Glisson's picture has not. Glisson hasn't been arrested yet.

COMING THURSDAY: Soldiers return to Fort Benning.... and why some don't want to go on tour again....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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16 MAR 04: THE FINNISH LINE

"Five minutes or less service," says the sticker on a door of the Downtown Post Office. Yeah, right. It took me close to half-an-hour to use the post office Monday afternoon - so maybe that sticker went up back in the days when Domino's Pizza
promised 30-minute deliveries.

It was a bit past the lunch hour when I rolled down 12^th Street to the Downtown Post Office. It turned out I made the right call in picking a parking spot. The ones right in front of the door have a 15-minute time limit - while down the block they're two hours long. Why would anyone dare risk it?

(Besides, the short walk from the two-hour parking spot takes you past a row of newspaper boxes. Even "Investor's Business Daily" is there - which I guess makes sense, because downtown loft apartments aren't cheap.)

At around 1:15 p.m. Monday the waiting line at the Downtown Post Office stretched well out to the lobby of the federal courthouse. I had to double-check to make sure I hadn't overslept -- and it wasn't April 15 instead.

Only two people were working the Post Office counter downtown - along with someone who was walking around with a tape, measuring the counter itself. He checked how high it was, and how wide it stretched. Was this man a government
inspector, trying to make sure customers have a safe distance from crazed postal workers?

People from all walks of life can stand in line at the post office. My group included a woman who walked in carrying a box with an HSN logo on it. I'm going to assume this Home Shopping Network customer was NOT completely satisfied....

The young woman behind me in line was prepared for a long line like this. She pulled out a wireless phone and talked to somebody. Since I don't have a wireless phone, all I could do was stand there. Starting a chorus of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" didn't seem quite appropriate.

A big event brought me to the Downtown Post Office. I mailed the first copy of my debut CD to Finland! Apparently there's one part of the world which hasn't heard of KaZaA yet....

How much would YOU pay to send a CD to Finland? The lowest available price was $3.20, arriving by air in seven to ten days. For some reason, there was no rate for shipping by dogsled.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

People in Finland are buying my CD! Shouldn't you? Look for One God, Many Moods on the "local artists" shelf at Mustard Seed in Columbus -- or click here for music samples and how to order online. Request full-length songs by calling Jim Foster at WMLF AM-1270 weekdays between 6:00-8:30 a.m. But while you're here, enjoy some humorous thoughts about my "home turf."

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet at the start of 2003, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. So being the web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for nearly seven years, as well as my experiences in it.

But.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.Com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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15 MAR 04: THE MILLER'S TALE

Columbus State and Kennesaw State clashed in men's basketball Sunday night for the fourth time this season. The C.S.U. Cougars know the Owls so well they call the team "Kenny" for short.

It's always fun to listen to Scott Miller call Columbus State games on WDAK Radio. He's obviously a graduate of the Larry Munson school of sportscasting - because if there's something about the game to worry about, Miller will mention it over and over again until you can say it along with him.

Even before Sunday's tipoff, Scott Miller declared a "lucky spot is mandatory" for sitting by the radio to hear the C.S.U. game. That was because leading scorer Yandel Brown had a twisted back, and was barely able to play. The Cougars were so cold in the first half it was obviously a Brown-Out.

Even before the first media timeout, Scott Miller was finding fault with an official for talking with a member of a coaching staff. "He should be watching the game, not the bench," Miller declared. Aw, c'mon - if the announcer can watch what's happening at the bench, why can't the referee?

About eight minutes into the game, Miller was critical again. "He traveled! It was a clear travel, and they called a foul.... and they call it a shooting foul. The foul was on the floor.... That's a terrible call.... That's an awful call, on two accounts." Yes, it WAS a call against Columbus State - how did you guess?

Sticking to the "cheatin' refs" theme, Scott Miller reported during Kennesaw State's Saturday night quarterfinal win, "Catawba never got a call all night." Yet for some reason, the final score of that game was not 222-0.

"Kennesaw State coach Tony Engel spends more time on the court than some of his players," Miller accused at one point. "He was a step from the arc that time." The way Miller describes it, CSU Coach Herbert Greene sits in a chair and wears a seat belt throughout every game.

Another first-half Miller-ism: "We had no blue jerseys under the basket that time at all." So you see, there are times when he IS fair and balanced - perhaps along the Fox News Channel approach, but he is.

When the clock kept running after a shot-clock violation, Miller moaned, "They must do things backwards in Kennesaw.... I had to tell them to turn on the clock to count down to the tipoff last night." Backwards? Well, Kennesaw IS the city where you're required to have a gun in your home....

Columbus State took a brief lead in the second half, but then Kennesaw State rallied to put the game out of reach. Scott Miller seemed to sense the inevitable, saying at one point about a foul: "John [Thomas] DID push him in the back...." This
reminds me a bit of Democratic presidential candidates putting each other down for weeks, then coming together in unity.

As the outcome became obvious, Scott Miller said of the Cougars: "This team simply could not catch a break this year, could they?" How quickly Miller forgot the last-second shot Saturday night, to win the quarterfinal game against Virginia Union.

Yet even in the final minutes, Scott Miller's mutterings were not over. "It's about 125 degrees in this little rat-trap of a gym [in Kennesaw]-- where the NCAA tournament never should have been held." From what I've heard over the years, I
think Miller prepares these grudges at home and carries them with him on road trips.

But wait, there's more! Scott Miller moaned the Kennesaw State arena didn't meet the minimum playoff requirement of 1,000 seats. "They have 896, as I counted them personally Friday afternoon." That's what we like to hear - a sportscaster who's focused on the game.

The final score was 70-55 for Kennesaw State, leaving Scott Miller and all Cougar fans disappointed. The basketball season is over, but please don't be concerned -- Miller now can spend the next two months worrying and whining about the C.S.U. baseball team.

BLOG UPDATE: At the risk of saying I-told-you-so, Georgia was overlooked for the NCAA Division I men's tournament Sunday night. But then again, the Winthrop team which Bulldog announcers bragged about so much when it won in Athens didn't get chosen, either.

BIG PREDICTION: It pains me to do it, but I fear my alma mater Kansas is overrated as a #4 seed. Thus I predict the Jayhawks will lose their opening tournament game to Illinois-Chicago. It's U-I-C - or in this case, I'd rather not see.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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14 MAR 03: WARY OF THE GREEN

"Excuse me, sir," a teenager said loudly to me outside a supermarket on South Lumpkin Road Friday afternoon. But my back was turned, and the teen was competing with the loud rock music inside a Coca-Cola truck behind him. There seems to be no soda for the classical music buff like me.

I needed the young man to repeat his request. "Would you like to make a donation to the Green Hornets?" asked the teen holding a plastic bucket. I figured either this was a new environmental club - or some people are desperate for comic books.

"What's that?" I asked the Green Hornets representative.

"A basketball team," the teen answered. Sure enough, he was wearing a bright green basketball jersey with the word "Hornets" on it. For all I knew, this could be a Spencer High School farm team.

"Who are the Green Hornets? I've never heard of them before," I asked further.

"AAU," the young man replied. That organization puts on amateur basketball leagues from coast to coast - but why should I give money to it? I hear stories of agents slipping top players money all the time.

What would YOU have done, facing an offer like this about a mysterious team? "Since I've never heard of your team, I'm going to pass," I said. I'd trust the players more if they had a table selling chocolate chip cookies.

After a Saturday of reflection, however, I had to repent of my decision. Christians like me are supposed to err on the side of mercy, when it comes to requests like these. In this moment, I was acting like critics of "The Passion of the Christ" - yes, like my pastor.

The request from the Green Hornets came just before I entered the supermarket. After I left and rolled my half-filled cart of groceries to the car, a man walked by my trunk. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Are you alright?"

"Physically, yes," I told the man. He kept walking away - as each of us probably wondered what the other was up to mentally.

BLOG UPDATE: The "Friends of David Glisson" held a fund-raising "Home Run Derby" Saturday at the Rose Hill softball field. Some people in this neighborhood probably asked why Glisson wasn't armed with a softball bat last December 10^th -- because then Kenneth Walker might have lived.

TV coverage of the Home Run Derby did NOT show a big crowd of people on hand. And a petition to reinstate David Glisson to the Muscogee County Sheriff's Department didn't appear to have many names on it. Someone should arrange a
meeting between Glisson supporters and the Rainbow/PUSH coalition - and the side with fewer names has to shut up.

Organizers of the Home Run Derby assured reporters David Glisson is NOT a monster. I never expected I'd hear a former sheriff's deputy compared to Charlize Theron....

Now other notes from a splendid springlike weekend:

+ Muscogee County schools held their first-ever "Character Education Day." My personal favorite character is Bugs Bunny -- but apparently he never came up in the discussion.

(The "character education" in-service day actually dealt with ways to prevent bullying in schools. Of course, they couldn't bring up the religious factor in prevention -- such as telling pastors to stop using a "bully pulpit.")

+ College students from several campuses finished the Habitat for Humanity "Collegiate Challenge." In five days, they built nine new houses! It almost makes you wonder why the Trade Center expansion has taken more than a year.

+ The Port Columbus museum is marking its anniversary with a celebration called "RiverBlast." For some reason, Sonic drive-ins did not mark the occasion with a "River-Blast" slush or shake.

(WRBL's Katie Weitzner did a live report on RiverBlast from a Civil War-era boat, in the middle of the Chattahoochee River! Thankfully no other station knew about this -- because the battle could have left her hair a mess.)

+ Spring cleaning around the apartment reminded me that Target is marking five years in Columbus this month. Come to think of it, why IS this store on Bradley Park Drive? Shouldn't a Target be closer to Fort Benning?

+ Jason Kostal gave a concert at Fountain City Coffee downtown. He's a singer and guitarist, who's also an instructor at Fort Benning's sniper school -- so WRBL dubbed him the "singing sniper!" Somewhere, a budding hip-hop star wrote down
those words....

+ Instant Message to area Blimpie's sandwich shops: Why do you all seem to shut down after dark - even on a Saturday night at 7:30? Some of us DO want a sub outside banker's hours.

COMING THIS WEEK: Why some soldiers are bailing out of Benning, after serving in Iraq....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.