The Blog of Columbus, Georgia

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

16 SEP 09: For a Few Pennies More

Tuesday was a wet day in Columbus -- as I counted four separate rounds of rain outside my window. Yet Tuesday night at a campaign office on Macon Road, I assume someone from the Muscogee County Schools started singing, "Every time it rains, it rains -- pennies from heaven."

Final unofficial returns show the Muscogee County School sales tax question passed by a 57-percent margin. So voters in Columbus now have approved two sales tax questions in 15 months - which may confirm more and more Republicans are moving to Harris County.

Come to think of it, the weather may have worked in favor of passing the school sales tax. Reports last winter indicated the new Muscogee County Administration Building would be finished in July [3 Feb]. Yet it's still not open -- perhaps due to a rainy year, or perhaps due to construction workers borrowing from football teams and running out the clock.

Nancy Boren with the Muscogee County Election Board admitted the SPLOST turnout was low. Only about ten percent of the eligible voters cast ballots -- and I can't believe the other 90 percent are stuffing their children into Brookstone, Calvary Christian and Pacelli.

The SPLOST vote is a victory for Muscogee County Superintendent Susan Andrews, who made herself the face of the sales tax question. But I'm not sure it's a victory for the school board - because if certain members had appeared in campaign commercials, voters would have thought of that administration building all over again.

(The Superintendent kept pleading for votes, even after the polls closed - as a campaign commercial appeared on WLTZ at midnight during "The Tonight Show." Early voting is legal, but I don't think late voting is yet.)

Susan Andrews put some money where her campaign mouth was. Records filed two weeks ago with the Georgia Ethics Commission show she donated 300 dollars to "The New Day Campaign." But it appears the only school board member to make a donation was Philip Schley's 500 dollars. Perhaps the other members stopped at donating school supplies to August giveaways.

The New Day Campaign built a bankroll of more than $60,000, to win approval of the school sales tax. By my count, at least $9,000 in donations came from businesses with a stake in building schools - such as contractors, engineers and architects. So it may be "about the kids," but it may also be in part about employers' families in Carrollton and metro Atlanta.

The New Day Campaign also built a wide range of influential support across Columbus. It's easy to do when Common Cause has to practically beg for opponents to show up at a public forum....

Cynics might say the local news media were biased in favor of the SPLOST. Take Monday's front-page headline in the Ledger-Enquirer, as best I remember it: "Vote Tuesday for One-Percent Sales Tax." Well, 57 percent were FOR it - but 43 percent were voting ON it, saying no.

And did you notice the commercials for The New Day Campaign included the voice of Dick McMichael? He never would have done that, when he was a TV news anchor. But he's retired from journalism now - well, unless he stumbles upon another speech by William Calley.

But by their own admission, opponents of the SPLOST never organized themselves. And while they found fault with Muscogee County Schools in some areas, they missed some other points - such as the fact that the Superintendent commutes to work every day from Harris County [True/The Courier]. At least she's not in the line of cars parked outside Northside High School.

Superintendent Susan Andrews told WXTX "News at Ten" the process of spending SPLOST money begins today, with the development of a bidding process and school plans. But the local sales tax will not take effect until next January - so your process of spending money to save one cent per dollar also can begin today.

For its next trick, the Muscogee County School District may settle the prolonged lawsuit over land behind the Columbus Public Library. The school board heard a suggestion the other night to set up standards for public greenspace. I assume the Education Park Coalition would be allowed to determine what color "green" actually is.

-> Our other blog begins with poker, then goes in directions you might not expect. Visit "On the Flop!" <--

BLOG UPDATE: Our search for "The Courier" ended Tuesday, with a phone call from its publisher. Wane Hailes assures me he's "alive and well" - and his new location is an office building on Front Avenue downtown. He's moving on up, but not quite with the River Club crowd yet.

(Come to think of it, The Courier now is practically across the street from the Ledger-Enquirer. Wane Hailes may be preparing for the day desperate managers run to his office, and offer to sell him a daily newspaper for $100.)

Wane Hailes explains he didn't need as much space to publish The Courier/Eco Latino. In fact, he described his operation as "a man and a computer." Hey, that sounds familiar! Hailes probably could save even more money by doing what I do, and moving into my apartment complex.

Wane Hailes assured me Eco Latino has NOT gone away - but its publishing schedule has. It comes out with The Courier every other week, and alternates with Hailes's new crime paper "The Joint." I forgot to ask if that paper also is published in Spanish - where "joint" can be translated "restaurante de mala muerte," or Restaurant of Bad Death.

Wane Hailes says his one-dollar paper "The Joint" is selling "like crazy" in parts of Columbus, such as the businesses along Milgen Road. He's found people want to know who's been arrested. And let's face it - people don't get a head start on the process like they used to do, by visiting the post office.

By the way, Wane Hailes told me his newspaper dispute with Piggly Wiggly is settled now. He explained his point about advertising in minority media was made, when the supermarket chain began running commercials on WFXE-FM "Foxie 105." Good - this clears the way for ME to whine about supermarkets not advertising with local bloggers.

While I reach for a handkerchief to add dramatic effect, let's consider other Tuesday news:

+ Muscogee County Judge John Allen dismissed five of the 11 counts against accused family murderer Michael Curry, and allowed him to post a $300,000 bond. I'm not sure why Curry's attorney still wants a change of venue - because it appears asking for a bench trial could give Curry a fighting chance to win.

(These rulings come after District Attorney Julia Slater announced she would NOT seek the death penalty for Curry. If this trend continues, Mayor Wetherington may go beyond the 100 new police officers and ask voters for a few new judges and prosecutors.)

+ Columbus Water Works officials finally announced what caused the April collapse of a giant steel water tank near J.R. Allen Parkway. They say a faulty weld seal gave way -- so please do NOT start rumors about ghosts at Port Columbus going out for an all-night fling.

+ The owner of the Albany Herald filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. This was surprising to me - because I'm not sure that newspaper even publishes 11 sections on Thanksgiving Day.

+ The Chattahoochee Valley Sports Hall of Fame announced five new members. Baseball pitcher Tim Hudson makes sense. But Ben Hardaway III - for fox hunting?! That's not even a sport ESPN shows, and that channel shows spelling bees and poker tournaments.

+ Instant Message to WLTZ News: Aw c'mon! Bear O'Brian shaves his beard and puts on a dress for a publicity stunt - and that's your "Just for HER" story?! I'm not sure that appearance was even for O'Brian's wife....

COMING SOON: A man who may be trying to start a big new beauty contest....

The number of unique visitors to our blog in the first half of 2009 was up 11.1 percent! To advertise to them, offer a story tip, make a PayPal donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post your e-mail comment and offer a reply.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 383 (+ 11, 3.0%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

15 SEP 09: Legend Left Behind?

Two streets in Columbus are deserving of the title "Broadcast Row." Right now, several radio stations are in the process of moving from one of those streets to the other -- and the move has ramifications many people might overlook. For instance, those stations may air a long series of commercials for U-Haul....

BLOG EXCLUSIVE: A manager with PMB Broadcasting confirmed Monday the chain is moving its four stations out of their longtime home on 13^th Avenue. If all goes well, they'll be in a new building on Wynnton Road by the end of October -- out of the shadow of Clear Channel's stations up the hill.

Joseph Brannan with PMB Broadcasting told me the sales and administration departments already have moved to Wynnton Road. Moving the studios of radio stations such as WRCG will take a few weeks -- because if you interrupt Neal Boortz in the middle of his show, some listeners might consider it a left-wing plot.

The large signs for PMB Broadcasting's stations also have been moved to Wynnton Road. When we stopped by the 13^th Avenue building Monday, the only sign we saw outside was a "For Sale" sign. Joseph Brannan suggested another radio station might want it. Now if we can find a radio chain left to buy it....

A paper on the 13^th Avenue door indicates "on-air interviews" still are being conducted there. That apparently means the sports stars interviewed by Coach B.R. Johnson on WRCG every afternoon -- the ones allowed to skip classes at local high schools.

But something else at that door was what intrigued me about this move. The PMB Broadcasting studios on 13^th Avenue are in the "Charles McClure Radio Broadcasting Building." It was named in honor of the late radio station owner a couple of years ago - and now it's being abandoned?! Well, at least McClure would appreciate a good capitalist sale for it....

On top of that, Chuck McClure will be inducted in the Georgia Radio Hall of Fame next month. Couldn't they wait to clean out his building for a few weeks? Or is this how PMB Broadcasting is finding appropriate items to place by his plaque?

We asked Joseph Brannan what will become of the Chuck McClure Building - and he admitted he didn't know. Brannan assumes PMB Broadcasting's owners will talk with McClure's family about the future of that plaque. If it moves the way WRCG's broadcast tower was moved a few years ago, we may never see it again.

There are some interesting synergies in PMB Broadcasting's move. Stations such as WRCG, WCGQ and WKCN are heading into a Wynnton Road building which used to house Clear Channel stations. We'll have no jokes about the "ghost of Jim Foster" - because his gospel music show is still on the air, only from another state.

By moving to Wynnton Road, PMB Broadcasting is about a mile away from the Davis Broadcasting stations. WTVM sits in between them, providing news updates to both groups -- and ready to intervene, in case sports talk hosts Mike Vee and B.R. Johnson decide to fight each other.

So in a few weeks we'll have the WTVM group on Wynnton Road, while the Clear Channel stations which get their news from WRBL will be by themselves on 13^th Avenue. I think this makes Loco's and Miriam's Café the unofficial demilitarized zone.

There's one remaining mystery in the PMB Broadcasting move. The stations will NOT have to share a building with The Courier, as WBOJ "103.7 The Truth" did. The newspaper has moved out - but we're not sure where. Did Wane Hailes settle his feud with Piggly Wiggly, to get office space inside a supermarket?

Joseph Brannan with PMB Broadcasting admitted he didn't know where The Courier had moved. But he noted publisher Wane Hailes is trying out a new publication called "The Joint," which lists police arrests and shows mug shots of suspects. It sounds like perfect reading for our new police officers, taking breaks at Golden Donuts.

We called The Courier to ask about its whereabouts Monday, but our message went unreturned. The paper's web site didn't help in our search -- and sadly, it doesn't seem to have a Spanish-language "Eco Latino" section anymore. If the menu changes at El Vaquero, you may have to stop there to find out.

It's our custom NOT to talk politics here on election days. So we'll avoid the big issue local leaders are pushing, and focus on other Monday news:

+ Our sympathies to the friends and family of Jody Powell. He served as Press Secretary for both Governor and President Jimmy Carter -- and according to Wikipedia, Powell spread the "killer rabbit" story about a Presidential fishing outing in Plains. It's a good thing alligators overran south Georgia, to prevent that from happening again.

+ A Russell County judge ordered Hurtsboro Mayor Rayford Tapley to stand trial in October, for tampering with city records. Tapley's attorney seems to argue the mayor is accused of NOT turning over records, when he never had them in the first place. That seemed to work for President Obama's attorneys, when it came to his birthplace.

+ Columbus Water Works officials announced their insurance companies will pay three million dollars, to settle flooding claims from last spring's water tank collapse. They promised to finally release the cause of that collapse next week - before a Fort Benning soldier refuses to serve in Iraq without knowing the answer.

+ Officers in Fort Benning's Third Brigade began a week of "leader engagement" training - learning how to settle disagreements in Iraq through dialogue. Uh-oh, don't tell my pastor about this. He suggested during last weekend's service the U.S. should level Afghanistan with bombs to "win the war" - and no, his sermon did NOT mention the "blessed are the peacemakers" verse.

+ The Atlanta Journal-Constitution announced it will increase the price of weekday editions to one dollar. This makes the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer your low-price leader - with Monday editions still costing only three cents per page.

+ Instant Message to Kanye West and Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina: I think I've found the perfect job opportunity for you. Go to ESPN, and become the next co-hosts of "Pardon the Interruption."

SCHEDULED WEDNESDAY: The "yes or no" question (you probably know which one we mean)....

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 372 (+ 12, 3.3%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Monday, September 14, 2009

14 SEP 09: Fest-Fallen

It used to be set up perfectly. An air-conditioned event on a steamy summer Sunday - absolutely free, and perhaps with free food thrown in. And since it wasn't held at a church, there was no pressure to leave a "love offering" somewhere.

The event I'm talking about is the annual Columbus International Festival. Did you know this year's festival was held Sunday? I'd admittedly forgotten about it. Maybe if someone had explained how the Muscogee County School sales tax will help students improve world geography scores....

The Columbus International Festival was a fixture at the Civic Center for years. But this year, the event was held at Peachtree Mall. That seemed like a step down to me - unless someone decided the best way to serve "international food" is by lining up for lunch at Sbarro.

Yet the poster promoting the International Festival promised food from many cultures. I'll take them at their word on that -- although the Subway stand at Peachtree Mall does offer "Italian B.M.T." and Chicken Teriyaki sandwiches.

WXTX "News at Ten" showed something I'd never seen at a Columbus International Festival before. There apparently was a short parade by a marching band inside Peachtree Mall. It was a sure way to distract guys away from watching football games on TV's at Radio Shack.

I'm not sure which country the marching band represented. But maybe Peachtree Mall should stage parades more often. I encountered one several years ago on a Sunday afternoon, inside "Plaza Las Americas" in Puerto Rico. After the celebrants with a small band passed by, I asked someone if Gloria Estefan had just shown up.

Much of the fun at the Columbus International Festival comes from the stage presentations by various cultures. Perhaps the biggest thrill comes from South Pacific performers handling "fire sticks." Well, it thrilled me until a young man dropped one a few years ago - and the Civic Center stage did NOT go up in flames.

In the past, International Festivals were enjoyable and educational. I even won an umbrella one year as a door prize. And I still have the "Unity Pledge" card from my first festival 12 years ago - promising to "promote and practice friendship, cooperation and understanding among the various cultures of our city...." The card really challenged you to do that, by misspelling "and."

The pessimist might say the move to Peachtree Mall means the International Festival has lost some of its luster. But the optimist might contend it shows Columbus actually has become more accepting of diversity - especially for a city with no "majority" ethnic group. As long as law officers don't stir up the pot, by firing on people who look a little different....

As for local events: next weekend's Shrine Circus and Harris County Rodeo seem to dominate the local publicity right now. In a way, they're more diverse than the International Festival - because trained tigers and bucking broncos tend to injure humans without regard for gender, race or national origin.

Now as we promised, let's get caught up on some other local headlines we've missed in recent days:

+ The board of "One Columbus" endorsed the Muscogee County School sales tax. In fact, it seems the only vocal opponents of Tuesday's question are the usual anti-government suspects -- the ones who wish the remaining local radio talk shows discussed things other than college football.

+ The intersection of Ninth and Veterans Parkway was closed, to improve the ride for drivers across railroad tracks. The work is expected to continue today - which I think means freight trains won't make the Government Center windows vibrate so much.

+ Motorcyclists filled downtown Columbus for the annual "Bikes on Broadway" weekend. Some of us they'd bring back the bicycle races on downtown streets. At least those bikes created a nice breeze for the spectators as they hurried by.

+ The Muscogee County Juvenile Justice office set up a free car wash, so local wrongdoers could fulfill community service sentences. I'd want my car washed by the people convicted of money laundering -- because they'd probably be the most experienced with soap and water.

+ Columbus Regional announced anyone under age 19 will be barred from making patient visits to hospitals, for the duration of flu season. That's the way to encourage our teenagers to be caring and responsible - send them to R-rated movies.

+ The University of Alabama announced a record fall enrollment in Tuscaloosa, at about 29,000 students. This is obviously a big boost for the city's economy - and imagine what would happen if Nick Saban wrote a new book.

+ Georgia, Auburn and Alabama all won their Saturday college football games. But with the exception of Auburn, Columbus TV viewers were unable to watch any highlights during newscasts until late Sunday night. Local cable systems and ESPN should address their thank-you cards to "Hey Lee" at WTVM.

+ The Atlanta Falcons opened their season by mashing Miami 19-7. The game was so lopsided that Falcons radio play-by-play man Wes Durham didn't even bother calling the last two minutes, when Atlanta kneeled three times. Did Durham have to take a three-percent pay cut this season?

(I didn't realize until this weekend that tennis star Serena Williams is a part-owner of the Miami Dolphins. If you think that line judge calling a foot-fault made her upset....)

+ Instant Message to Jimmy John's sandwich shops: That's a really daring step you're taking. A former Alabama football player named Jimmy Johns is going to jail on drug charges - yet you're NOT changing your name?!

SCHEDULED TUESDAY: Is a piece of Columbus history being abandoned? We plan to check....

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 360 (- 17, 4.5%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

13 SEP 09: Forward Thinking

If you're a grandma or grandpa, Happy Grandparents Day. I mentioned it to several grandparents at church this weekend, and everyone seemed to have forgotten about it. So if dozens of surprise parties are ruined today, I hereby take the blame....

We're home from a big family surprise party, and now have the pictures posted to prove it. My older brother seemed to enjoy the 60^th birthday bash we staged outside the Kansas football stadium, even though he reportedly was in a bit of a funk in recent days about turning 60. Maybe the Jayhawks should have won by more than 49-3.

A parade of stars came by the birthday tent, to offer best wishes to my big brother. We mentioned the visits by both Kansas mascots, along with a couple of cheerleaders. I tried to tell the female cheerleader I was the single guy in the group -- really, I did....

A literal parade marched by one hour before kickoff. The Kansas band walked down the hill toward the stadium, playing the school fight song. "That's not Happy Birthday," I told a friend nearby. The friend reminded me for my older brother with football season tickets, that song was close enough.

Because it was a surprise appearance, we stayed for a few days at the home of my oldest niece and her family. She has daughters ages nine and five - and the five-year-old made sure I wasn't bored, by knocking on my bedroom door last Sunday morning with a 300-piece jigsaw puzzle. She coached me well in getting it started. But too many stuffed animals kept distracting her away.

As we worked on the jigsaw puzzle, my five-year-old grandniece taught me something remarkable. She told me everyone in Hawaii "sleeps on the beach," because no one has a home. I wondered where those men lounging along the Chattahoochee Promenade got the idea for it....

It appears my grandniece got HER idea from her mom and dad, who noticed plenty of people snoozing in a Hawaii park during a vacation several years ago. Imagine the stories tourists take home about Columbus. Especially if they'd followed me running Saturday night - to see a pair of full-sized police cars driving together on the Riverwalk at Rotary Park.

While the family surprise party was the centerpiece of our road trip, we saw other sights along the way. Our first surprise was a billboard promoting the Jim Blanchard Leadership Forum -- along Interstate 85 in south metro Atlanta. Has the Columbus area run out of leaders, who need Colin Powell's advice?

Our first night on the road was spent in Metropolis, Illinois - admittedly to investigate the poker room at Harrah's casino along the Ohio River. We found two packed tables, with no room for us to squeeze in. Our $50 in chips received plenty of action - fidgeting with them on a rail at the edge of the room.

The casino is one of two big attractions in Metropolis. The other is a statue of Superman in the center of town. The superhero claimed Metropolis as his home, you know -- a town which barely seems large enough to support a "Daily Planet" newspaper anymore.

A couple from Florida happened to be at the Superman statue on the morning we stopped by. They took a picture of me with Superman, and asked if I'd seen the picture President Obama took there. I admitted I hadn't - and the husband replied: "You didn't miss nothing."

Yet Superman is NOT the biggest figure in Metropolis. On the way to the statue, we found an even taller statue of "Big John" outside a grocery store. I can only conclude one of his sacks contains a can of kryptonite....

We stayed in Metropolis at a brand new America's Best Value Inn. We drove to Kansas the next day, stopping only twice - and were stunned to discover when we finished that a hand towel from the motel was in the passenger seat, hiding under a briefcase. I meant to use it to clean off the windshield, not take the manager to the cleaners....

I was prepared to send a check to the Metropolis motel, with a letter explaining it was a "fine" for stealing. But four days later came an unusual opportunity. I passed a different America's Best Value Inn in northwest Oklahoma. Here was a chance to make amends - and clean my conscience, instead of the windshield or checkbook.

"This will sound unusual," I told the attendant at the Oklahoma motel - explaining I'd mistakenly taken the towel from Illinois. I offered to give the towel to her, and she accepted it with a smile. Whether she shipped it three states away to Metropolis.... well, I doubt a "Best Value Inn" would go to that much trouble.

That wasn't the only strange case of "paying it forward" on my road trip. I encountered two beggars at exits along Interstate 70 in rural Missouri -- exits 40 miles apart. The beggar at Exit 148 wound up with food I bought for a man at Exit 188. Did the state police swoop by and pick him up during a simple gas fill-up?

"HOMELESS VIETNAM VET HUNGRY" said the sign held by a man sitting at the end of the Exit 188 ramp. People at the truck stop there told me he'd been there for a while, and may have been staying in a tent nearby. The official farm harvest had passed, but the unofficial one apparently continued.

"Can you walk to the truck stop?" I asked the man from my car. "If you do that, I'll buy you something." The homeless Vietnam Vet signaled he could. So I drove down a short winding road to the truck stop to fill my gas tank. I didn't give him a ride, since I've heard those "back to school" reminders about not accepting rides from strangers.

I bought the beggar a 99-cent-sized bag of corn chips - but when I looked for the man, he had disappeared. He was NOT along the road heading back to Interstate 70. So perhaps he found a better deal - and perhaps the manager of a McDonald's passed his way next.

With no sign of the homeless Vietnam Vet, I drove on to Exit 148. The Ozarkland store there offers a free computer for checking e-mail -- perhaps in hopes you'll do what I did. You become guilty of stopping for a free e-mail check, and you buy a half-pound of fudge for $4.50.

As I walked back to the car with the fudge for my relatives, a woman came to my window with a story to tell. She was laid off three months ago, and her husband was out of work already. Apparently a half-pound of fudge made me look like Mr. Moneybags.

The woman told me she faces eviction from her home if unemployment checks don't start coming soon. I explained to her I'm unemployed as well, was trying to travel as inexpensively as possible - yet had encountered two beggars 40 miles apart. If I'd stopped for gas in St. Louis, Kansas City or Memphis, it might have felt like a paparazzi attack.

The woman was looking for a room or food. I couldn't provide a room for her during a road trip in the middle of Missouri, but I noted the corn chips I'd bought down the highway. She was willing to accept that -- then led me to a Saturn parked by the Ozarkland door. Her husband was inside, along with a little girl. So this story seemed legitimate -- while that other man may be looking for a V.A. Center to get treatment.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Only a couple of reader items reached us during the road trip. One was titled, "No Mo Sunshine"....

Now that have removed Harmony Mendoza the web site, seems that the clouds are hanging around more than usual?

Huh? A Google search for Harmony Mendoza's name Saturday night revealed she's still hiding on the WRBL web site, even though she no longer works there. For all we know, she might have noticed the clouds and run for cover.

Since our blogging moved away from Columbus for a few days, perhaps it's fitting that the e-mail topics did as well....

Is it true?? Ellen DeGeneras is the replacement judge on American Idol..Can she really judge music competition or is this a move to boost ratings on what could be the last days of an American institution?

Yes, it's true -- but you raise a good question. From what I've seen of her talk show, DeGeneres probably would fit better on "So You Think You Can Dance."

Isn't it interesting that the Columbus TV station which blocked some episodes of Ellen DeGeneres's prime-time comedy in the 1990s now shows her at 10:00 every morning? The management there hasn't changed. But hmmmm - come to think of it, the Pastor at First Baptist Church has.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll update local news from the last few days on Monday - we promise.)

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 377 (- 15, 3.8%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

10 SEP 09: Carrie Me Back

CHECOTAH, OK - We're preparing this from a public library where we had to show a photo ID. That led to an awkward moment -- but the staff DID allow someone from Georgia to log on, despite last Saturday's football game.

The last time we stopped in Checotah happened to be the day native Carrie Underwood won the 2005 "American Idol" title. From what we can tell, it's still a one-stoplight town -- but that could be changing. At the corner of Gentry and Broadway Wednesday morning, we saw stop signs on a corner waiting to go up.

A sign along Interstate 40 and on the U.S. 69 business route through town remind you of Carrie Underwood's triumph over Alabama's Bo Bice. But there's no big billboard with her smiling face, as there was four years ago. That's what happens when you're snatched into the clutches of VitaminWater.

Carrie Underwood is NOT the focus of Checotah this week. In front of the Carrie Underwood sign on B.R. 69, you're reminded this weekend is "Okrafest." I thought they were doing this in the heart of Chicago -- but then I remembered that's Oprah-fest.

Okrafest dominates the painted windows on stores, in a downtown Checotah that's busy compared to other Oklahoma cities. But they show cartoon characters like Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny endorsing okra -- NOT country music stars. And not even that repentant cookie monster....

One storefront has a large mannequin of Elvis Presley in the window. We found nothing like that Wednesday for Carrie Underwood -- but then again, some love-struck stalker might break the window out, steal it and take it to a concert to be autographed.

We originally planned to make this a "two-star trip," in terms of country music. But when we reached the small southern Kansas town of Sharon, we discovered too late to turn that we'd have to leave the two-lane highway to see the hometown of Martina McBride. Shame on us -- she probably would have sung, "Turn in anyway."

Two signs along U.S. 160 mention the "rose of Sharon" in her hometown. One notes Martina McBride was country music "Female Vocalist of the Year" in 1999. The town apparently can't afford to update the sign, for the three other times she's won that title since then.

A check online shows Sharon, Kansas has a population of only 210. Nothing has been built from the town limits out to U.S. 160 since Martina McBride became famous. Conway Twitty had "Twitty City," but there isn't even a sign pointing to McBride Drive -- because there apparently is none.

I did radio news in northwest Oklahoma in the early 1980s, when Martina McBride was a teenager and could have heard the station where I worked. But her biography shows McBride's father made her a country music fan at an early age -- and my station was just as likely to play Barry Manilow as Alabama. Manilow simply didn't use enough steel guitars in his songs....

CLASSIC BLOG/25 May 05: We're not far from that OTHER "Lake Eufaula," and find ourselves in the middle of a frenzy. Well, as much as a town of 3,500 people can be in a frenzy with a downtown speed limit of 25 miles per hour....

BLOG SPECIAL EVENT: Checotah, Oklahoma likely will come to a stop in a few hours, to see if native daughter Carrie Underwood will become the fourth "American Idol." But this town is so small, it probably would come to a stop most evenings around 7:00 p.m., anyway.

A giant billboard of Carrie Underwood greets you as you exit Interstate 40, to take the business road into Checotah. Radio commercials wish her well. Signs all over town root her on.... well, ALMOST all over town. The First United Methodist Church seems to realize it's wrong to promote idolatry.

Carrie Underwood watch parties are planned across Eastern Oklahoma for the big American Idol announcement. Checotah plans to have one, of course. And an "after-watch party" is planned until 2:00 a.m. at a Muskogee, Oklahoma nightclub called "The Wild Cowboy." I'm not sure Carrie's even old enough to go to that one.

(Come to think of it, wouldn't a name like "Wild Cowboy" be more fitting for Bo Bice?)

Alabama's Bo Bice is the other finalist for American Idol IV. But it's clear who the Oklahomans like. In fact, the Fox TV station in Oklahoma City made Carrie Underwood the top story Tuesday night -- complete with the phone numbers you could call to vote for her. The numbers for Bice were NOT shown. So much for "fair and balanced" coverage.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll take Friday off from blogging, as we come home and recover from our road trip. May you take time to remember the meaning of Patriot Day -- and please rejoin us this weekend, when our normal format should resume.)

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: Suspended due to road trip

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

9 SEP 09: Old Nueve

Since we're away for a few days, we can only assume what Columbus's biggest TV station is doing today. It's probably marking 9/9/09 the same way it marked 9/9/99 ten years ago - giving away prize packs to viewers, and perhaps enjoying a nice staff cake. But I'm not sure it can afford to give 99-dollar bonuses to the employees right now.

We can tell all sorts of stories about our years with WTVM. But some of the most memorable ones involve ordinary viewers who called the station. Some had complaints. Some claimed to have great discoveries or revelations. And one decided if a TV station can have freedom of speech, he has the freedom to say whatever he pleases to that station.

One of the first calls I took was from a woman who thought she noticed something curious. She said almost all the TV news anchors were left-handed. But when I asked around, I discovered exactly the opposite was true. They were right-handed - but as you watch TV, the right hand is on the left side of the screen. This does NOT help the reputation that some viewers are backwards-thinking.

Another woman years ago complained about the "mug shots" of criminal suspects shown on the air. She apparently had kept score, and determined almost all of the suspects were African-American. Then I began my own private score -- and when the woman called again, I reported the racial mix was about 50-50. Imagine if I'd told her about the racial mix of civil rights leaders.

This woman contended Euro-American corporate criminals had their mug shots kept off the air. In many cases, this was because the charges were in federal court - and federal courts don't tend to release mug shots. TV stations have to surround the suspect with photographers as they walk outside court, and hope they don't trip over each other.

For a while, the complaints led to a station policy that ALL mug shots were banned from the air. But that didn't last long. For one thing, what if a suspect is wanted by police and still on the loose? And for another thing, those web sites offering to "cartoonify" photos hadn't come along yet.

A few callers to the TV station became infamous for phoning so often. One young man I'll call Waldo still makes a habit of calling the newsroom within five seconds of an attractive reporter going off the screen. I know, because I counted it down at 11:00 p.m. several times....

Waldo would butter up the female reporters, seemingly with dreams of winning a date with them. Trouble is, Waldo has a very recognizable voice - and when you admit you work at fast-food restaurants, most TV journalists simply are not impressed.

Many times a female reporter would want nothing to do with Waldo - and since I answered the phone, it was left for me to say: "She refuses to talk to you." Yes, I could be that blunt. He didn't seem to care. He didn't even get it when I quoted the reporter verbatim: "She says she's left for the evening."

Then there was the older woman, who sounded like a European immigrant. She called one Sunday morning to complain about the sermon being broadcast from First Baptist Church. I suggested she call the church, if she disagreed with the message. She doubted that would do any good. And you know, with most Baptists that might be true....

The woman apparently wanted the other side of some doctrinal point put on the air, to answer the Baptist minister's sermon. Yet to my knowledge, the woman never bought any TV time to present her viewpoint. You'll notice no atheist groups seem to do that, either. Once again, tithing makes a difference....

One last memorable example was a man who lived outside Columbus. He called after a 6:00 p.m. newscast because Dee Armstrong said during a health story, "If you're black, you need to...." do something. The man objected to the use of the word "if" - proving it truly is the biggest two-letter word in the English language.

"If implies doubt," the man told me -- claiming we were asking viewers to double-check whether or not they're African-American. I should have asked him if he pulls out his driver's license every time a reporter says, "If you live in Georgia...."

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: Suspended due to road trip

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

8 SEP 09: Be Like Mike

TO: Mr. Tony Dungy

AT: Indianapolis, IN

CC: Mr. Tom Heckert, Philadelphia Eagles General Manager

Dear Mr. Dungy:

After years of experience in journalism and blogging, I'm ready to move my career in a different direction. After seeing what you've done in recent weeks, I'd like to hire you as my agent - as I seek a job in the National Football League.

I've marveled at the way you've steered Michael Vick over the last several weeks, in obtaining new gainful employment. Not only did Mr. Vick receive a two-year contract, the first year reportedly is worth $1.6 million. I'm not sure former President Bush has even found a job paying so well.

This is especially impressive, considering Mr. Vick had barely finished a two-year sentence for dogfighting. If you can do that, I'm sure you can help me obtain a job in the N.F.L. After all, what does Mr. Vick have that I don't? I mean, besides a federal prison record?

A friend pointed out Mr. Vick might have an advantage over me, in terms of speed and quickness. But I contend the last couple of years have leveled the playing field in this regard. Angry dogs are equally likely to chase us on the street now -- and they might show more sympathy toward me.

What you've done with Mr. Vick may revolutionize the jail and prison system in our country. For instance, my own city has tried for decades to teach inmates skills in construction work or trash collection. The better answer may lie in teaching them to play football - simply moving "The Longest Yard" to another level.

(You've also shown TMZ is not completely joking when a presumed Hollywood celebrity says in a commercial: "There are no consequences for my actions - EVER. As long as I apologize and go to rehab.")

If you're unable to convince a pro football team to use me as a player, I'm well prepared to work in other responsibilities. For instance, I did play-by-play of college basketball games during college. And I've come up with a "touchdown call" which can work equally well in English and Spanish.

Some might contend I lack the experience to hold such a job in the National Football League. I would respond by noting I've played in exactly the same number of N.F.L. games as Suzy Kolber, Andrea Kramer and Lesley Visser.

Another possibility is to utilize my skills as a humor blogger. I can write all kinds of online insults against opposing teams, to "psych them out" before big games. As an example, before a game against the Minnesota Vikings I can suggest Brett Favre take the field wearing flip-flops -- since he did that throughout the off-season.

(But you'll notice I'm writing you after the end of the pre-season training camps -- so no one gets the bright idea of hiring me as a tackling dummy.)

And if all else fails, I'm prepared to take an N.F.L. front-office job. Not necessarily as a General Manager, although I would accept such a position -- but as the person at the front of the office greeting visitors and answering phone calls.

I turn to you, Mr. Dungy, partly because of your skill in coaching the Indianapolis Colts. You helped quarterback Peyton Manning win a Super Bowl a couple of seasons ago - so he finally could match the number of pro and college championships won by fellow Tennessee quarterback Tee Martin.

With your mentorship and power of persuasion, I am sure to be an asset to at least one of the 32 National Football League teams. Please let me know if you'd like to see my complete resume, along with various bandages collected through the years - although they admittedly came from blood drives, not football injuries. Regards....

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: Suspended due to road trip

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Monday, September 07, 2009

7 SEP 09: Laugh's Labor Lost

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Happy Labor Day to you! We had holiday issues three times during our LaughLine years, when we wrote for subscribers nationwide. So while we're on a family vacation, we offer some Labor Day humor from years past:)

1 SEP 00: Just in time for Labor Day weekend, a new "Jobs Rated Almanac" ranks the best and worst jobs in the U.S. Among the jobs at the BOTTOM of the list:

+ Cowboys -- ask anyone who's played or coached for Jerry Jones in Dallas.

+ Lumberjacks -- under environmental pressure. After all, how can you tell it's an "old-growth" tree if you don't chop it down and count the rings?

+ The WORST of all - fishing. Every time they go out, they risk a "net loss" - and could hit bottom.

So who has the BEST job, according to the "Jobs Rated Almanac?" The financial planners! They arrange all your money in their companies' mutual funds, take a cut off the top - then go find a better investment, and keep it a secret.

4 SEP 00: Today is Labor Day in the U.S. and Canada. Shouldn't hospitals offer special discounts on this day, for women giving birth?

Labor Day weekend means the annual "Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon." We're always a little suspicious as we watch this show - because Lewis supposedly has all these fans in France, and they never seem to give a nickel. (Well, OK, a "franc.")

Firefighters in your town may be doing street-corner fundraising for the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. In our town, you're asked to fill giant boots. We only hope a big fire doesn't break out during the weekend - because one member of the fire crew will have a BIG problem walking.

5 SEP 00: George W. Bush marched in a Labor Day parade near Chicago - while Green Party [Presidential] candidate Ralph Nader merely WATCHED a parade in Detroit. Someone should tell Mr. Nader that "energy conservation" doesn't mean resting his legs, too.

Maybe you had a holiday.... but what would you do to get off work TODAY? Britain's ICM research firm did a survey to find some of the most creative excuses people REALLY used to skip work. Among them:

+ "I forgot I had a job." Yeah, right - and I'll somehow forget to sign your paycheck this Friday.

+ "My dog was on fire." That'll teach you to prepare "Mexican dog chow," with jalapeno peppers mixed in.

+ "My cat was mugged." Wow, these are desperate criminals. Can't they ask the Salvation Army for a fur coat?

The ICM survey even found one man who got off work by arranging for someone to break his fingers! [True/Sky News] Maybe this man needs to find a NEW job - coming up with plots for "The Sopranos."

3 SEP 01: Today is Labor Day in the U.S. and Canada. This one-day celebration must be difficult for people in Britain to understand - since they've had a non-stop "Labour Party" for decades.

A United Nations study was released just in time for Labor Day. It shows U.S. residents work more hours per year than people in any other industrialized country. Did this survey merely count the hours on the time clock - or did it deduct the hours workers play games at their computers?

(The study shows the average U.S. resident worked 1,978 hours last year. That's 38 hours a week, NOT figuring any weeks for vacation. Trouble is, a lot of bosses don't figure in any weeks, either....)

To be fair: many European countries have different work policies from the U.S. Employees overseas often are guaranteed several weeks of vacation per year. Now you know how they find the time to travel to soccer games -- and serve jail terms for trashing town squares.

One of our LaughLine subscribers started a new job a few weeks ago. He told us he worked more than 65 hours in his first week! We have a theory about businesses like this -- and it includes the words "hazing."

The U.S. Congress won't return to work until Wednesday. Lawmakers will have spent about four-and-a-half weeks out of session. Maybe if they stayed away from Washington four MORE weeks, the budget.... would look better.

Alabama's Troy State University played its first major college football game - and actually led Nebraska for a few minutes! The Troy State fans in Lincoln used up their rolls of film before the first quarter ended, taking pictures of the scoreboard.

4 SEP 01: We couldn't believe President Bush's words during a Labor Day speech in Green Bay: He claimed U.S. workers are unique because "they work hard, to support their families." We thought Mister Bush was a COMPASSIONATE conservative - but when he implies workers in other countries are lazy, we start to wonder.

A few union members admitted they were embarrassed by the Labor Day visit from President Bush. The President's probably never paid union dues -- and he's already accused of a few union DON'Ts.

The "Love Network" came through again, with nearly 57 million dollars pledged to the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. We think Ed McMahon could make that total go even higher. All he has to do is persuade one of those big magazine sweepstakes winners....

2 SEP 02: Today is Labor Day in the U.S. and Canada. If you see a major league baseball player, tell them how much you appreciate the hard work and great sacrifice his union made to keep playing on this holiday.

Labor Day has been a U.S. holiday since 1894, created to celebrate the working people. Maybe this is why so many corporate executives committed fraud to take millions of dollars - "Bosses' Day" isn't a national holiday yet.

This holiday may be a danger point for workers these days. The hiring firm "Challenger, Gray and Christmas" reports U.S. corporate downsizing announcements jump 38 percent between Labor Day and year's end. Those holiday gifts must be more expensive than we realize....

AFL-CIO President John Sweeney says recent corporate scandals provide a great opportunity for unions to gain new members. He'd probably gain many more if he actually found some of those laid-off workers jobs.

A few months ago the Labor Department posted leading unions' financial reports on the Internet for the first time. The presidents of the ten largest unions all make at least 100-thousand dollars a year. So?! Imagine how many hours of overtime they work.

Jerry Lewis has staged his Labor Day telethon for 36 years - and you can tell how times have changed. Nowadays, the "Love Network" of stations might refer to an X-rated pay-per-view channel....

(And what about "Jerry's Kids?" No Roman Catholic priest would dare call a group of children his own these days.)

Speaking of Labor Day, did you know the "American Idol" finalists are union members? [Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini] joined a musicians' union in Hollywood over the last few weeks -- but for some reason, the runners-up have yet to picket outside Simon Cowell's dressing room.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: Suspended due to road trip

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

6 SEP 09: Halfway Over the Hill

LAWRENCE, KS - "I was clueless," my older brother said after he discovered a big surprise in this college town Saturday. This is one time when I probably can declare my older brother clueless, without getting him upset.

BLOG SPECIAL EVENT: Weeks of secrecy ended for my family Saturday, when we surprised my older brother with a 60th birthday party. It happened halfway up a hill, overlooking the University of Kansas football stadium. Yes, we made sure there was a football game scheduled below.

No one in my family told my older brother a tent was reserved especially for his birthday. And no one told him I was part of the surprise -- traveling more than 800 miles by car over two days to get here. I left Columbus at midday Thursday. So if Bert Coker stumped Susan Andrews on the school sales tax question, someone need to post it on YouTube before long.

The trip to Lawrence took two days by car. And to make sure my older brother wouldn't know I was coming, I'm staying for a few days at the home of his oldest niece and her family. In fact, I took a route to avoid the entire county where my brother lives. Do you think that was a little too cautious?

My older brother's wife and daughters started planning this "60th surprise" last spring. The party tent was catered, so that didn't take much work. But coordinating the details to keep my brother in the dark was another matter. My sister-in-law admitted she almost spilled the beans a few times. Regular poker playing helps prevent things like that....

I faced my own surprise challenge to keep the secret last Sunday night. My older brother rarely calls me, but he did it to ask if I'd received a birthday card he mailed me. In truth, I have NOT -- and if someone at the Columbus Post Office stole it, you owe me dinner at Applebee's for that gift card inside.

My older brother didn't ask any probing questions about his upcoming birthday, so I didn't have to invent any dodging answers. Playing moderately dumb worked -- such as asking nonchalantly if college football season was about to start.

To make sure my part of the secret wasn't given away, my car was NOT parked outside my niece's house Saturday. My older brother and sister-in-law were meeting relatives there, so I parked at the far end of a Catholic Church parking lot a block away. That niece and her family are Catholic now, so hopefully they'll add an extra offering in my behalf.

Family members including myself made our way to the Kansas football stadium more than three hours before kickoff. But parking and driving on campus already were restricted, so coolers with beer were dropped off near the Student Union to be carried to the party tent. The campus caterers do NOT provide beer -- which has to frustrate Bud Light, which makes beer cans in college colors now.

For about 15 minutes, I guarded over two half-full cases of beer and a heavy ice cooler at a curb near the football stadium -- only hours after attending a church service. This was no time to attempt to convert passing students. Especially since I wouldn't know a real ID card from a fake one....

Slowly the family members, friends and party items assembled at tent #8. We made sure my older brother showed up last, about 90 minutes before kickoff. How my sister-in-law arranged for the Jayhawk mascot to show up for pictures moments before my brother arrived, I may never know.

We're sadly unable to post pictures from the road, so photos of the surprise party will have to wait until we're back in Columbus. But my older brother posed with both Jayhawk mascots and a couple of cheerleaders -- while it was left to me to notice a couple of passing "Rock Chalk Dancers," and admit to them I wished I was an undisclosed number of years younger.

Several family members offered me a ticket to the football games, but I politely turned them down. I noted to one the 6:00 p.m. CT kickoff was too early for me. I worship a different God on Saturdays than a brown oval one made of leather....

So as the first half of the Northern Colorado-Kansas game unfolded, I intentionally sat with my back turned to the stadium below -- looking at fans watching the game for free from a distance, higher up Mount Oread. I'm now ready to apply for work as one of those "event staff" crowd-control security guards.

One woman at the birthday party admitted she didn't attend any Kansas football games last year. "How will we know when it's halftime?" she asked.
"The marching band will come on the field and play a few songs," I answered quietly. This is why they still need to show the bands on TV.

Sundown came during halftime, so I was able to turn the folding chair around and watch the third quarter from a distance. Without binoculars, it was hard to see much. That wasn't the case when I was in college 30 years ago -- because no one had invented a giant video board to block the view from an end zone.

If you didn't hear, Kansas crushed Northern Colorado 49-3 in the season opener. Earlier in the day, Oklahoma State stomped Georgia 24-10 -- so the Big 12 might actually be bigger than the Southeastern Conference in something other than basketball.

Several other things happened during the afternoon, to show I come from a humorous family....
+ My middle niece is six months' pregnant -- and her husband recently bought her a "maternity sized" shirt that didn't quite cover her belly. In his words: "It's maternity wear for a supermodel who swallowed a pinball."

+ That husband also dared to wear a Kansas State jersey at a party filled with arch-rival Kansas fans. That's because he graduated from Kansas State -- and came prepared with headphones to listen to THAT game, instead of the game in the stadium. All he had to do was raise his hands at the happiest moments....

+ My youngest niece (about age 25) escorted one of my oldest nieces daughters into the stadium. But they sat in the student section, and the mentor reported at halftime the nine-year-old daughter grew tired of "nasty words she didn't like." The Catholic grade school is teaching that girl well.

+ The youngest niece escorted that nine-year-old to the restroom -- but as she did, a freshman guy asked the 25-year-old to escort HIM to the bathroom as well. "It's my first game," the young man admitted to her. If I had done that during college and roommates knew about it, they would have disowned me to this day.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Since we intentionally kept this Blog Special Event a secret, we'll go ahead and respond to a comment about one of our Friday Instant Messages (timed to post while we were on the road)....

You can tell you are not from the deep South when you turn your nose up at fried bologna..You have never had a fried bologna sandwich with a fried egg on it have you? It ranks right up there with collards and pork chops in my book..Yummy!

OK, I'll confess -- I've never had a fried bologna sandwich. But why is Hardee's the only restaurant chain which seems to be offering it? If I don't see it advertised at Ruth Ann's, it may simply be as flashy in the frying pan as overheating canola oil.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll be in a "road mode" for the next few days. But we prepared several posts in advance, so we should only miss one daily entry.)

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: suspended due to road trip

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Friday, September 04, 2009

4 SEP 09: H-1-N-1, W-0 L-0

Now now - don't get the wrong idea about today's title. We have NOT outsourced the writing of this blog to Asia, to save money....

Most of you probably figured out the first part. We're talking about H-1-N-1, the "swine flu." The second part refers to the record of practically all college football teams: no wins or losses, heading into this weekend's opening games. A few teams played last Saturday - but not even the hard-core Southern fans are talking about Fort Valley State's opener.

College football teams are concerned about H-1-N-1 affecting their rosters. WLTZ reported the other night that Auburn University is teaching its players about protecting themselves from the flu. Hopefully the Tigers are being told it's still OK to tackle your opponent.

Then there's Saturday's opening game for Georgia. Oklahoma State's athletic director confirmed Thursday his full team will NOT shake hands with the Bulldogs before kickoff. But he says it's NOT a matter of the flu - coach Mike Gundy seems concerned about a pre-game fight breaking out. So his shorthand could mean "Hit 1, Not Playing for 1."

High school football teams have flu concerns already. Opelika High School kept at least 15 players out of last weekend's opening game due to flu symptoms. But when your team still shuts out Sidney Lanier 28-0 - well, as young people say nowadays: "That's REALLY sick."

But let's go back to Auburn University. What sort of instructions do you think the Tigers are being given, to guard against H-1-N-1? Maybe they're told....

+ Stop at the sideline table after every series. But please don't confuse the big jug of hand sanitizer with the Gatorade bucket.

+ The shields on the helmets to cover your eyes work every bit as well to hide your mouth.

+ Follow the California example - and instead of trading "high fives," pass I-O-U slips.

Columbus State University doesn't have varsity football, but it now has an official national H-1-N-1- expert. The American Red Cross has given that title to nursing professor Carlie Frederick. So all conspiracy theorists are urged to e-mail her, about why physicians are refusing to take the vaccine - or where the FEMA prison camps are located for locking them up.

Even though some people have obtained seasonal flu shots already (not the H-1-N-1 vaccine), Columbus city officials will promote them next week. Mayor Jim Wetherington will receive a shot Tuesday on "Roll Up Your Sleeves Day." In other years, the mayor would have demanded this declaration to check suspected criminals for gang tattoos.

Before we hurry off to wash our hands again, let's send some Instant Messages....

+ To Muscogee County School sales tax opponent Paul Olson: A message at the Ledger-Enquirer web site raised a good point. Is there anything in local government that you like? You can probably sum up that list for me, and send it in one Twitter message.

+ To whomever started a scuffle at Rep. Mike Rogers's town hall meeting in Auburn: If you beat each other up, the debate about whether our country is heading for dictatorship is bound to stop. You'll both be locked in prison for assault, and it'll feel like dictatorship anyway.

+ To Asbury United Methodist Church on Ellen Avenue: Aren't you forgetting something? You're holding a "Patriot Day" barbecue Saturday - but doesn't Labor Day come first, before 11 September? Unemployed union members might appreciate your food even more right now.

+ To Hardee's: You're kidding, right -- with that new fried bologna biscuit? To me, that belongs down your biscuit hole....

SCHEDULED THIS WEEKEND: Holiday weekend editions that we consider special.... but we can't say anything more right now....

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 392 (+ 14, 3.7%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

3 SEP 09: L-E-Ominous

Well, what do you know -- maybe I wasn't seeing things when I looked at this week's issues of the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer after all. The newspaper is taking the next tough steps in a financial diet. And since its version of Slimfast wasn't fast enough, now it's gone to the 40-hour approach....

The Ledger-Enquirer's web site announced Wednesday almost half the newspaper's staff will take mandatory furloughs. They begin this weekend, and must be taken by 12 December. That's too bad - because furloughed Muscogee County teachers might have come in to write great stories during winter break.

The furloughs at the Ledger-Enquirer will last for one week without pay. That's worse than the three-day layoffs planned in Muscogee County Schools. But unlike the school district, the newspaper did NOT announce plans to take any days off. Strange - that's what almost all other media outlets in Columbus are doing.

It's interesting to read which Ledger-Enquirer staff members are exempt from the furloughs. Employees who prepare The Bayonet get to keep working. Well, unless they plan to change the name of a furlough to the more military "stand-down" or cease-fire.

The advertising department of the Ledger-Enquirer also will escape mandatory furloughs. In fact, any salesperson who exceeds the September monthly goal might receive an awarded from the National Newspaper Publishers Association.

You can find all sorts of reasons to explain the Ledger-Enquirer's plight. The economy is struggling. Newspaper sales are down from coast to coast, as people get their news online. And growing numbers of people apparently are using plastic grocery bags to line the bottoms of bird cages....

Recent staff cuts at the Ledger-Enquirer clearly are hurting the newspaper's coverage of stories. Take Wednesday, when it reported Bert Coker opposes the school sales tax question -- something he told this blog last week [26 Aug]. The small news team may be so busy that there's no time for web-surfing.

(That "breaking news" item also disclosed local government critic Paul Olson opposes the school SPLOST. Olson told us that last week as well, as he happened to drive into Bert Coker's driveway while we were on the phone with Coker. But Olson called his comments to us "off the record" - so you see, he's at least trying to help the newspaper.)

Give the Ledger-Enquirer credit for one thing - it was honest with its readers, by announcing the staff furloughs on its web site. The WRBL news team has taken plenty of furlough days in the last year, but I haven't heard it mentioned on the air. As Wayne Bennett told me before he retired in May, news shops seem to report on every economic cutback except their own.

In fact, I can now reveal the WXTX "Fox 54 Morning News" was canceled last December partly due to corporate-ordered staff cuts. Five employees lost their jobs -- but a couple were rehired in recent months. And Friday entertainment reporter Wes Carroll actually found steady work, replacing another laid-off man at WDAK radio.

There are other cuts the Ledger-Enquirer could take, which still have not happened. We speculated here in January the newspaper might stop Monday editions, yet they're still coming out. The paper could suspend home delivery, and mail each edition as Americus does. And the paper could be reduced to tabloid-size - to match what critics say it's become, with crime news on page one.

Thankfully, local media have NOT taken even more drastic steps to cut staff. Have you seen the new commercial for Office Furniture Express on Veterans Parkway -- which claims a dog named "Mr. Munson" is Chairman of the Board? Paws Humane hasn't even gone that far....

E-MAIL UPDATE: We don't receive compliments about local businesses very often, but Wednesday we did....

I got my yearly regular flu shot today at Wal Greens Macon Rd..The people there were so nice and organized..Thanks Wal Greens

Keep in mind this is NOT the vaccination for H-1-N-1. This is to guard against the regular seasonal flu -- but the "swine flu" has received so much attention, drug stores might want to promote the other vaccine by calling it "Yoo-Hoo! Flu Two!"

We'll have more to say about flu fears Friday - but now let's review a wide range of Wednesday headlines:

+ The high temperature in Columbus was 79 degrees F. I'd like to think I've turned on the air conditioner for the last time this year -- but criminals might be thinking the same thing, and plotting to steal it because I don't need it anymore.

+ The Muscogee Educational Excellence Foundation announced it unanimously supports the school sales tax question. Gasp! Are you as stunned and flabbergasted by this news as I am?! Why, this could be the dramatic push to get the Columbus Chamber of Commerce off the fence and make an endorsement next week.

+ The Georgia Secretary of State certified four candidates for the November special election, to fill Vance Smith's seat in the House. All four are Republicans, and one of them is Smith's son Kip. The battle to succeed the Kennedy family as "America's Royalty" officially is underway.

+ WTVM reported a Recorder's Court hearing for an aggravated assault suspect was postponed, because several witnesses wore flip-flops in the courtroom. This is a classic case where "clothes make the man." Wear flip-flops on the witness stand, and your testimony might do the same thing.

+ Authorities arrested a Lumpkin man on charges of growing 60 marijuana plants in his attic. And you thought you smelled musty old books up there....

+ A Stone Mountain man appeared in court on charges of slapping a two-year-old girl in the face at a Wal-Mart store, to stop her from crying. If he's found guilty, he could go to jail. If he's acquitted, former Vice President Cheney could hire him as an adviser on terrorism.

+ The Chattahoochee Valley Library System announced a September discount program. Show your library card to get lower prices or free items at several restaurants - and even ten-percent off at a bridal shop. Why not follow the library's example, and check out a wedding dress for four weeks?

+ NASCAR driver Ryan Newman met with soldiers at Fort Benning. Newman drives a car sponsored by the U.S. Army - but thanks to the breakup of General Motors, a NASCAR Humvee racing circuit now seems out of the question.

+ The University of Alabama announced its 2010 football schedule. The Crimson Tide will play on the road next year at Duke - which demands a question: why? Duke has trouble selling 30,000 tickets for a rivalry game against North Carolina. Is Nick Saban hoping this game gets moved to the Georgia Dome, too?

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 378 (+ 11, 3.0%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

2 SEP 09: Hate Healthy?

The morning run on the Riverwalk was quiet Tuesday, and largely uneventful. The biggest challenges for me came from high humidity at the end - and jogging behind a smelly garbage truck for one block at the beginning.

But as I walked up a ramp from the Riverwalk to head home, I found an unusual sheet of paper on a bench. It declares President Obama a "dictator," and has ten descriptive adjectives to go along with it. Wow - talk show host Sean Hannity tends to stop at three.

There was writing on the back of the paper as well, which was more difficult to read. It had no further adjectives about the President, but warned: "America is in great peril. America is doomed." I have no idea who wrote this - but fundamentalist churches would at least have used a word processor for a message like this.

The bottom line on the back urges me to "rise up on 9-12-09." That's when the "Tea Party" organizers plan to hold a big rally in Washington against President Obama's policies in general, and health care reform in particular. What should we call this - the Million-Healthy-Man March?

(If you can't go to Washington, WRBL noted the Columbus Tea Party plans another rally that day outside the Government Center. It will be followed by a "march to Veterans Parkway." On a Saturday afternoon, protesters might do well to have ten cars drive by to notice a three-block march.)

In contrast to that protest paper, supporters of health care reform held a rally Tuesday outside the downtown Columbus office of Rep. Sanford Bishop. That's the place where the Columbus Tea Party had its own rally last Friday. In New York, I think this is called the "alternate side of the issue" rule.

The pro-Presidential "Organizing for America" staged Tuesday's rally. WTVM reported they wanted to "thank" Sanford Bishop for working to get health care reform passed. Wait a minute - thank him?! Didn't Bishop say two weeks ago he hadn't made a decision yet? Is he trying to be the next Zell Miller or something?

Well, let's double-check that statement. It turns out after his forum in Columbus, Rep. Sanford Bishop told a forum in Albany: "My mind is made up on health care reform...." but not the size and details of it. It's a bit like choosing between name-brand prescription drugs and cheap generics which might make you throw up.

But health care reform really isn't my issue here -- it's the debate over it. The most strident sign I saw on TV from Tuesday's rally said:"Health care, not war." I didn't realize the 11 September attacks occurred because al-Qaeda members couldn't afford co-pays for checkups.

But the pro-reform demonstrators didn't seem to call anyone pejorative names with their signs. Why, I didn't even see a sign against Glenn Beck - but maybe the march outside WDAK radio is coming next week.

As I headed home from Tuesday's run after seeing the anti-Presidential paper, I realized where we've come in this country. In 2009, we've come back to 1969 - a time of noisy anti-war protests and sit-ins. The only difference is that the "silent majority" suddenly is louder than the minority. Either that, or 90 percent of the hippies turned into conservatives.

Yet if President Obama really is a Marxist "dictator," wouldn't he order National Guard personnel to stop the Tea Party protests? Wouldn't he ban health care reform forums, after what we've seen in recent weeks? And wouldn't St. Francis Hospital now be called Muscogee County Infirmary #6?

I'm not one to pin condemning labels on other people. But whomever left that scathing sheet of paper near the Riverwalk should realize something - there's still freedom of speech, allowing that to be written and left on a bench. If that's the case, maybe the U.S. isn't in "great peril" after all. And maybe that person should be more daring -- like hiding behind Tea Party members at their next march.

BLOG UPDATE: The fourth annual Jim Blanchard Leadership Forum concluded Tuesday at the Trade Center. The Ledger-Enquirer reports this year's event sold out for the first time -- which may explain why Richard Hyatt didn't have a seat for doing real-time blogging, like he did last year.

The list of speakers included the Presidents of Aflac and Chick-fil-A. One newscast showed City Manager Isaiah Hugley in the audience - but if he's never been a "Leadership Forum" speaker in his own city in four years, is that a good sign?

(Hey, wait a minute - Aflac and Chick-fil-A on the same program? It's duck and chicken together! I wouldn't be surprised if some local barbecue restaurant owners stayed away in protest.)

Gen. David Petraeus of the U.S. Central Command was the Leadership Forum speaker who received the most TV attention. But wow, did WLTZ let me down. I thought sure they'd pull over NBC News correspondent Norah O'Donnell, for a "Just for Her" special report.

Some of next year's speakers at the Leadership Forum already are lined up. One of them will be former first lady Laura Bush. Her ex-president husband may already be committed to a Southwest rodeo tour for the summer....

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E-MAIL UPDATE: Showing economic frugality, a blog reader combines two topics into one message....

Richard, Thanks for clearing up the difference between the blue & green road signs in Lee County & Smiths Station. I had just noticed the green ones appearing recently. The city of Smiths Station has talked about going back to the real street names (instead of Lee Rd #'s) within the city limits ever since the city was incorporated (close to ten years ago). But as of yet nothing has been done.

And don't think being on the "Do not call list" will stop the "robo calls". I still get them and have been on the "do not call list" since the beginning of it. The jerks that do this have figured out a way to have a disconnected # or someone else's number appear on the caller ID so that you cannot trace the call or turn them in. When I told a solicitor last week not to call my number anymore he told me that he would call me back again tomorrow when I was in a better mood!

And all this time, I thought Lee County might have changed road sign colors to win that "Greenie Award" from WLTZ.

Despite the new federal rules limiting computerized telemarketing calls, your blog received one Tuesday afternoon. The recording had the rambling voice of a guy named Mike from "Debt Solutions." Perhaps the answer is to run up the company's debt -- with $16,000 fines per call.

I was invited to press "1" for more details -- and for the first time in a long time, I did to ask some tough questions. But instead, I heard a woman talking loudly with an accent I didn't understand. When I asked her to repeat what she said, the line went dead. Maybe it's a "going out of business" sale?!

Since I don't have caller ID on my phone, I could leave only a limited amount of information at the government "Do Not Call" web site. You also can phone the Federal Trade Commission with a complaint - but if it's part of "do not call," do two wrongs make a right?

Let's see what else distracted us on a busy Tuesday....

+ The Phenix City Council approved a fiscal 2010 budget, giving all city employees a four-percent raise. It's what officials have to do to keep up with the Joneses down the street - or in this case, the Russells.

(The Phenix City Council also rejected a claim for damages by ousted City Manager Bubba Roberts. Let's see - if I remember recent history correctly, the next step is for at least one Councilor to be arrested.)

+ The Ledger-Enquirer changed its appearance, dropping to five columns on what appeared to be a narrower front page. But I compared, and the page width was the same size as USA Today - so I guess this is simply a case of stripes making you look slimmer.

+ TIC Federal Credit Union announced it will expand to Phenix City. This only makes sense, of course. If a credit union is only in one state, that's not exactly "federal."

+ WRBL announced it will join the Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon at 9:00 a.m. Monday. That's one hour later than usual - and makes me wonder if the local fundraiser will take a lunch break, to avoid paying the staff overtime.

+ The chair of the Southern High-Speed Rail Commission told National Public Radio that Alabama's constitution bars the state Department of Transportation from investing money in train service. You wondered why all those auto assembly plants came South, didn't you?

+ Columbus native and pro football cornerback Rod Hood was signed by the Chicago Bears, one day after he was released by the Cleveland Browns. Hood played in the Super Bowl last winter for Arizona - and now he's not good enough to play in Cleveland?! Are the Browns signing LeBron James or something?

+ Instant Message to PMB Broadcasting: Please, I'm begging you. Move the Atlanta baseball games away from WRCG, when they're at night. Tuesday night's Tim Hudson comeback game in Florida was delayed by rain, went well after midnight - and I couldn't pick up your station. I had to settle for a preacher on WOKS, who seemed to be against the hour of midnight.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 367 (+ 10, 2.8%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

1 SEP 09: Get Real or Get Lost

History came calling Monday afternoon, and I missed it. Well, I didn't miss it completely -- because I always keep my answering machine on. You never know when an important tip to the blog will come. Even if it's only why I need grandparents' life insurance....

The call on my answering machine invited me to take a short survey over the phone, to be rewarded with "two complimentary boarding passes" for a cruise. The message even had Caribbean music playing in the background - which almost made me wish I could forward the call to Michael Registe.

The cruise offer was a recording - and that's what made it so historic. As of today, most computer-dialed recorded phone calls are supposed to stop. So if you get a "robo-call," contact the Federal Trade Commission - which I guess is now the national robo-cop.

All kinds of robo-calls have come my way in recent years. And yes, I'm to blame -- since I chose NOT to put my name on the "Do Not Call" list. Call it an unusual way of making sure my telephone works, and someone actually cares about me.

The robo-calls have ranged from satellite television deals to burial plans. And even though I pressed "2" or "9" to be taken off the computer lists, the same offers kept on coming. I answered so many calls for cruises, I could have applied to work as a third-deck lounge singer.

The new federal rules actually allow you to keep receiving robo-calls, if you wish. You have to give companies written permission -- but really now, how many people are going to do that? I mean, besides the voice talent companies which make money from these offers?

Before you ask me - no, I do NOT really think the telemarketing calls will go away with today's new federal rules. I'm guessing the companies with great offers will go back to an old-fashioned approach. You know, real people calling you - only from places such as Bangladesh and Costa Rica.

We should note there are exceptions to the new restrictions on robo-calls. You can still get recorded calls from....

+ Politicians. Muscogee County School Superintendent Susan Andrews will have the phone lines all to herself for two weeks.

+ Agencies offering emergency information. I received a test call a couple of weeks ago from the Columbus city "reverse 911" system - and it didn't even ask me to dial 119.

+ Organizations with "certain health care messages." So please, do NOT report President Obama to the FTC.

So why did I miss Monday's historic call offering a cruise? Because I was trying to win $5,000, through a different sort of mass advertising. I received a flyer from JayMaxx with a mystery scratch-off number. I had a small chance of being a big winner -- and for a consolation prize, I needed to buy milk at Publix down the street.

The goal of the giveaway obviously is to sell cars -- and JayMaxx apparently is taking over this promotional idea from the departed Bill Heard Chevrolet. But Monday's trip was different, as the salesperson did NOT try to persuade me into a car for a test drive. Telling him you're unemployed may be the secret way around that....

Only one flyer in thousands had the number for $5,000. Of course, mine did not - and I wound up with a phone number or web site to contact, for a free hotel weekend in my choice of "spectacular destinations." Columbus is NOT on the list. In fact, no place in Georgia or Alabama is. Someday the Robert Trent Jones Golf Trail will learn television ads alone are not enough.

But as usual with these offers, the fine print gets in the way of the trip. I have to pay a "50 dollar refundable activation fee" within 30 days. Hotel stays which begin on Friday or Saturday are NOT free, and cost more. And there's also a fee for making a reservation with less than 60 days' notice - so an impulse to visit Destin had better bounce off your wallet first.

While we're pondering absurd ads, let's wrap up the one-month consumer survey we mentioned here last week. A late surge made our final count FOUR credit card offers in the mail -- down from five in November 2007. See how financially cautious our country has become?

The last three credit card offers to reach our mailbox were for business cards, and we didn't apply for any of them. Our idea of a "business lunch" these days is a big bag of chips from the convenience store.

So with little else to show from Monday except some milk and diet cola, let's check what the news offered:

+ Today's scheduled auction of the Rob Doll Nissan property on Whitesville Road was called off. While negotiations continue, three subcontractors claimed they haven't been paid for work on the planned new dealership. You'd think these workers would have heard of Doll's 48-month financing plan.

+ The Columbus Police Chief joined the Muscogee County Sheriff and Marshal at the Men's Wearhouse store at Columbus Park Crossing, to start a suit collection drive for needy people. If they're involved in a "plain-clothes" operation like this, are we in for more undercover law enforcement?

+ The Jim Blanchard Leadership Forum opened at the Trade Center, with a speech by retired General Colin Powell. Powell explained he had to learn to listen, when he became Secretary of State. Critics of the Bush administration still say he listened too much, and questioned too little.

+ The Montgomery Advertiser reported the demise of Colonial Bank has cost longtime executive Bobby Lowder more than $150 million in stock value. So please do NOT be shocked if Lowder walks up to your tailgate outside Auburn football games, and asks for an extra burger.

+ The Opelika Parks and Recreation Department opened a new Sportsplex. More than 20 people were waiting at 5:00 a.m. CT for the doors to open -- which should prove once and for all that jogging can be addictive.

+ WTVM's Derek Kinkade announced through Facebook he now has an "AMS" seal from the American Meteorological Society. Apparently he answered every "Ask Derek" question correctly, to overcome those embarrassing challenges.

+ Instant Message to Davis Broadcasting: I appreciate your interest in helping our soldiers overseas. But really now - who decided to name your collection drive "Operation Big Package?" Do you know how many Fort Benning privates are giggling behind your back about that name?

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 357 (+ 13, 3.8%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.