The Blog of Columbus, Georgia

Thursday, December 20, 2007

20 DEC 07: CONDITIONS ARE FLUID

Russian "Putintate" Vladimir Putin was named Time magazine's "Person of the Year" Wednesday. In this part of the country, I think some people would have voted for a thing instead of a person: water. A lack of it made yards brown, dried up local fountains - and still has elected officials on the verge of spitting bottled water in each other's faces.

Several items relating to water made news Wednesday. Reporters discovered Senator Richard Shelby of Alabama snuck language into a spending bill, to block the federal government from rewriting the rules for water sharing. This may sound selfish - but then he's saving the government money on liquid paper.

Senator Richard Shelby apparently believes the current Army Corps of Engineers water-sharing rules are fine. Or perhaps he's concerned that the rules will be revised so Georgia gets to keep more water, while Alabama receives less. So why doesn't Shelby add an "earmark" to widen West Point Lake, so more of it is in Chambers and Randolph Counties?

WLTZ's top story Wednesday night was also water-related. It explained why local officials don't like the latest management map from the Georgia Water Council. No, it's NOT because Troup County would get more gallons per person than Muscogee County....

The issue with the new water management map is that Georgia is divided into 12 geographic districts, based on county lines. Local officials want the lines drawn by the way rivers run, so the Chattahoochee River would have a district all to itself. Even if that means people in the Bull Creek neighborhood have to drive to Helen sometimes to complain.

But there was a hopeful sign of peace Wednesday on another, uh, water front. WRBL reported Columbus Water Works is offering to swap one of its ponds for a pond the city owns behind Oxbow Meadows. So what's the catch here? Is one filled with freshwater fish, while the other has an alligator?

You may recall Columbus Council's discussion in November over what to do with "Beaver Pond," behind Oxbow Meadows [28 Nov]. City officials say they need it for dumping inert natural waste such as tree limbs. Columbus State University opposes that, and it operates Oxbow Meadows. There are companies which make high cloth fencing, to hide this sort of thing.

But now Columbus Water Works is coming to the rescue. It has a pond in Columbus South near Oxbow Meadows, and is offering to trade it with the city for Beaver Pond. This way, waste can be dumped without ruining the effect of Oxbow Meadows - a true example of "what pond-switch has preserved."

City Manager Isaiah Hugley is willing to pursue this swap, so crews will examine the ponds after the turn of the year. I suppose there could be objections - for instance, from people who want a new outdoor swimming pool in Columbus South.

But under this swap, the city of Columbus still would have three ponds -- one becoming full of natural waste, and a second set aside for more. Now someone needs to figure out where Pond #3 is, so people can go there after dark with buckets for watering their lawns.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION closed Wednesday night, with most voters wanting heads to roll in Columbus city government. We found 62 percent of you want officials to be fired, for their handling of the Zachary Allen "cocaine crash" case (8-5). The next question is: WHICH officials should be fired? One writer wrote "YES" 15 times - but Columbus Council only has ten members.

This one-week question sparked some very lively comments. Some people want Zachary Allen charged, since he tested positive for cocaine after wrecking a city EMS vehicle late last year. But another said Allen's attorneys would argue "he was not mirandized." I think that refers to being read his "Miranda Rights" - because I've never seen actress Helen Mirren in Columbus.

"The Feds need to be in the middle of that department," one person commented. The federal government inside the Columbus Fire Department?! It's bad enough now to see federal "homeland security" grant money being used to buy Columbus firefighters exercise equipment.... [true!]

"All who filed false reports should be prosecuted," that voter also wrote. Another claimed the cocaine test result was hidden for a year "due to the fact he is an Allen." Somewhere in the Government Center, Sheriff Ralph Johnson must be wondering why his son didn't get the same sort of break.

Then there was a voter who brought up a fire department name I hadn't heard in a long time. He called Jerry Fountain a "crusader" against "vile corruption and cronyism," and longed for him to return. But there's one potential problem with that - when you're in a drought, adding a Fountain doesn't look very appropriate.

That same voter argued part of the problem with Columbus Fire/EMS is its scheduling: "working one day and being off two days. I think those two days off breed corruption." Then let's apply this across the board - and order Columbus Council to meet every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now an update to another corruption complaint, was started here Monday. It involves the Phenix City Manager....

YOU SAID

"I asked a news reporter who covers Phenix City about this Sunday - and was told Bubba Roberts claims to own property inside Phenix City, where he lives from time to time. That's in addition to his home outside the city limits. So if Russell County can hire an engineer who lives in Lee County, why isn't this legal?"

MY RESPONSE:

H.H. Bubba Roberts does INDEED own property inside the city limits. He has NEVER and I guarantee you WILL NEVER EVER live in or on this property. According to tax records (all public records of course) he owns a home at 2014 2nd Avenue in Phenix city. If you were to take a trip to that address you wouldnt unlock the doors on your car much less get out. This homes appraised value is $50,099 and is a RENTAL PROPERTY. I live not too far from this address and at the time I sent all this info in to the papers & other media outlets about his homes it had a busted window covered with plywood and the neighbors advised the police removed a crackhead woman who had been squatting there. The outdoor lighting remains on 24/7 as does all the lights inside the empty house at the moment.

His other home in Lee County appriases at a whopping $206,000 complete with a boat ramp, boat house, and shop on the same property. So why in the h**k would he even consider living at this rental property. That comment is such a joke!

Just thought you should have the rest of the story on his homes. BUBBA Does NOT live in town and hasnt for years.

They just fed you the same story they feed everyone. Says here lives there sometimes ... what a joke.

Thanks for your attention & for trying.

We went to 2014 Second Avenue Wednesday afternoon, actually climbed out of our car and looked at the home. There's a church parking lot right down the street, which gave us a measure of protection....

I didn't notice any lights on at the modest Second Avenue home -- but I didn't get too close, because a "private property no trespassing" sign is posted outside. If the Phenix City Manager owns the home, at least he's helping Alabama Power meet its expenses.

From what I could see, the Second Avenue home appeared to be in decent condition. A couple of blocks down the street, other homes appear downright run-down and messy - and they're much closer to the planned Phenixian development, so those owners should cash in much better.

By the way, who left a three-legged dog outside to roam 20^th Street in Phenix City? It was quite a surprise, when that animal crossed my path - and it was even more surprising that the dog seemed able to jog a bit.

Thanks to everyone who visits, votes and writes - and now let's get caught up on news from the last couple of days:

+ The Phenix City Council voted again to oppose the proposed soft drink tax in Russell County. Have you noticed how the Alabama tax proposal has been mentioned for its nice economic benefits - while in San Francisco, a similar proposal is designed so people DON'T buy soft drinks and get fit?

+ Columbus State University tested its new "Cougar Alert" warning system, with messages sent to students by computer and text. We're told 90 percent of the students received the test message successfully - while the other ten percent are the nerds too busy reading books for next semester's courses.

+ Demolition began at the tornado-damaged Sumter Regional Hospital in Americus. What a different one year makes! If bulldozers had been seen near that hospital last January, Jimmy Carter would have been pleading for Congressional intervention to stop them.

+ Bill Parcells decided NOT to take a front-office job with the Atlanta Falcons. What does it say about this football team, when Parcells prefers to keep doing those Coors Light commercials with classic news briefings?

2007 IN REVIEW, CONTINUED: March had a disastrous beginning in Columbus and Americus, due to deadly tornadoes. Yet Art Garfunkel's concert went on at the RiverCenter, after the audience was moved into a basement. So did he change one of his song titles to "Bridge Under Troubled Skies?"

A new recycling plant opened in Phenix City during March. Blaze Recycling reportedly can shred an entire car in one minute. Too bad it opened four months after Zachary Allen's car crash....

But things were more ominous in March at Phenix City's hospital. The obstetrics department at Summit Hospital was closed - and now in an ironic twist, the entire building is being adopted.

Phenix City Manager Bubba Roberts was asked by the mayor to resign during March - but he didn't, and there aren't enough votes on the city council to force him out. It's a wonder Jeff Hardin didn't e-mail us about that house on Second Avenue long ago.

March was the month when the great "library land deal" was announced involving the city of Columbus and the Muscogee County School Board. The legal wrangling since then makes you wonder why the Library Board simply doesn't expand the central library, and use that space for law journals.

The Alabama Legislature voted itself a raise in March - a 62-percent raise at that. The jealousy over Nick Saban's football coaching contract was deeper than anyone imagined.

The principal of Baker Middle School suddenly was "reassigned" during March. I don't know if the new principal is doing any better - but it certainly hasn't persuaded anyone to buy the old middle school yet.

One Columbus grade school had a change in March, as Eastway Elementary was renamed in honor of Lonnie Jackson. I assume this school now follows Jackson's tradition - by serving Thanksgiving dinner to students about ten days in advance.

Loachapoka's schools had a strange day during March. When a strange odor filled a school building, teachers climbed aboard school buses to hold class. Why don't more school districts require this -- especially on the rides to and from school? If teachers don't drive, greenhouse gas levels go down.

Jordan High School brought a state boys' basketball title to Columbus during March. So where was THEIR parade down Broadway? Where was THEIR big rally at the Civic Center? Apparently the Red Jackets dominated their final games a little too powerfully.

Auburn University won national championships in March, for male and female swimming. And perhaps more amazingly, the athletes did not sneak off for a mixed skinny-dipping party to celebrate.

(A few days later, Dr. Jay Gogue was approved as Auburn's new President. He's been in office several months ago - and I'm stunned by the fact that not one professor has called for his firing yet.)

March was also the month when Blue Man Group performed at the Columbus Civic Center. But the show did NOT sell out - as WOKS-AM refused to play the group's blues songs.

We tried to make history here in March, by having a Big Blog Question on what to name the Aflac duck. More voters preferred the "none of the above" option than any of the names we offered. Yet local humane societies keep showing up on TV with named animals, anyway....

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.81 a gallon at the newly-converted Crown Busy Bee, 14^th Street in Phenix City.... milk for $3.89 a gallon at Walgreens.... and no, I have no blog gift cards to sell....

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BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1846 (+ 40, 2.2%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

19 DEC 07: THRILLER NIGHT

"If there's one thing I've learned in the last seven days, it's - to h**l with Georgia!" So said new Georgia Tech football coach Paul Johnson Tuesday night to a basketball arena largely filled with loyal fans. Within an hour, I think most of those fans were ready to say the same thing to the officials....

BLOG SPECIAL EVENT: Undefeated Kansas escaped a disastrous meltdown at Georgia Tech Tuesday night, winning 71-66. And of course, your loyal Kansas graduate made the trip to Atlanta to see it all. It cost a lot less than a trip to Miami to see the football team in the Orange Bowl -- and I didn't even have to spend extra money at the higher-priced Atlanta gas pumps.

The Kansas-Georgia Tech basketball game will serve as my "bowl game," since I have work commitments during Orange Bowl week. And since Alexander Memorial Coliseum is set up a bit like a bowl, it's even more fitting....

But Tuesday's trip to Atlanta to see Kansas play Georgia Tech was a bit of a dice roll. Tech's web site said the entire regular season was sold out, save for "a limited number of single tickets" for each game. So much for making it a date night - because what if our single tickets were on opposite sides of the court?

The single tickets went on sale 90 minutes before the 7:00 p.m. tipoff time, so that meant I was on the road up Interstate 185 before 3:00. I had to guard against delays from Atlanta afternoon rush hour traffic -- not to mention being distracted by landmarks I used to know, and how they've turned into things like used car lots.

5:05 p.m.: I reach Tenth Street, where Alexander Memorial Coliseum is located. The line outside the main gate for tickets looks quite short. But then trouble happens, as I dream of parking on Techwood Drive across the street. Someone added "no parking" signs on that street in the last 20 years or so....

I've been to Georgia Tech games at what Brad Nessler dubbed "the ThrillerDome" before. I followed Mark Price's amazing college career in the mid-eighties for the newspaper in his Oklahoma home town, where I used to live. I had a press pass for a courtside seat - back in the civilized days, when Tech students mocked Maryland Coach Lefty Driesell for being bald.

I parked my car on Techwood Drive for games back then - but with that option unavailable now, I have to follow the Georgia Tech web site instructions. I turn left onto Fowler Street, and find a roadside parking space within a block. It seems too good to be true - and only as I climb out of my car do I discover it is. Signs along a fence say they're for disabled parking, with a permit required.

So on down Fowler Street I go, and find a small open space between two cars two blocks down. It's a classic challenge of parallel parking - but I try to squeeze my small Honda in, I bump the bumper of the car behind me.

"Don't touch my bumper again," says a man standing on the sidewalk -- as if he's waiting to pay for his game ticket with a body shop check.

"Have I damaged your bumper?" I ask the man after rolling down the passenger's side window a bit.

"No," the man admits. Some bumpers actually still have the strength to handle tiny bumps.

The man wearing a Georgia Tech cap guides me into the small open parking space. I needed to "cut deeper" as I turn my steering wheel, he says. I'm admittedly rusty at that - as I don't even have to cut the grass where I live.

5:15 p.m.: It's a three-block walk from my car to the main ticket window. Along the way, I pass a man. "Selling tickets?" he asks.

"Yes - they're doing it right up there."

I'm about the 25^th person in line at the ticket window -- and that surprises me, since Kansas is ranked third in the country. Perhaps the short line is due to Georgia Tech students being away for winter break. Or perhaps it's a typical 5:00 hour in Atlanta, with thousands of fans stuck in midtown traffic.

Two men seem to be in line ahead of me. "You selling?" one asks.

"No, I'm buying."

"Kansas seems to draw a lot of fans, doesn't it?"

"I don't know." The Jayhawks haven't played in Atlanta in years, and I missed those games due to Sabbath commitments. My old church pastor would tell you when a church meeting is underway, God isn't at the basketball arena - He's only at the church meeting. Pity the worshipers who had to stay home sick.

"How long have you had that hat?" the man asks me next. Suddenly we've switched from basketball to Project Runway.

"About six or seven years," I say after thinking it over a second. "Next question?" Spontaneous news conferences seem to break out around me every so often.

The hat I'm wearing is a Kansas Jayhawk blue ball cap, which shows a few stains from sweaty Columbus afternoons. I've worn it a lot in recent weeks, with the Kansas success in football - but even though I wear it on poker nights, I really don't sweat when I'm dealt great hands.

The two men in front of me eventually peel off, to look for tickets. "The game is sold out," one says. But I quote the "single ticket" statement on the Georgia Tech web site -- leading me to wonder if those two are buying unwanted tickets to sell later as scalpers. Sports tickets sometimes flip faster than foreclosed houses.

5:30 p.m.: The ticket window opens on time, with a sign on it from the 4:00 p.m. women's basketball game: "Adult -- $4." I speculate to the people around me than the men's price will be a bit higher -- which is strange, since both Georgia Tech basketball teams reached the NCAA tournament last spring.

I finally reach the window, and learn how much higher. The Georgia Tech web site warned tickets were sold "cash only" - and one of them costs 30 dollars. That's the exact amount I won last week on poker night. The Lord gives, and then he takes away....

Thankfully, I guessed right before leaving home -- and have 41 dollars in my wallet. So armed with my ticket, I walk on in to the Coliseum. The ticket-takers don't even bother checking the bag I'm carrying, with a camera and note pad. What if I bring something to match the Georgia Tech free T-shirt gun?

The prices inside Alexander Memorial Coliseum also reflect what I call "gotcha" pricing - where they've got you trapped. Hot dogs range from four to six dollars, and a large bag of peanuts costs 13 dollars. This year's crop really was hit hard by the drought....

But surprisingly, the small game program on the concourse is free for the taking. It shows me this is Georgia Tech's first home basketball game in more than a month. This rustiness may explain why the scoreboard visitor isn't changed from Georgia Southern to Kansas, until about 35 minutes before tipoff.

5:50 p.m.: I walk into the main arena, and find pre-game drills already underway. Both teams are stretching and shooting - and within a few minutes, ESPN will begin taping items for its live telecast. Sadly, there's no Erin Andrews or Bonnie Bernstein strolling the aisles or sidelines to get my attention.

With plenty of time to wait, I stroll around Alexander Memorial Coliseum - and I'm struck at how commercialized college basketball has become. The drink cups have multiple ads on them. Signs around the two main scoreboards rotate with sponsors. There even are ads on the bathroom walls - but somewhat surprisingly, none of them offer condoms.

Georgia Tech pioneered this commercialism several years ago, by renaming the basketball floor "McDonald's Court." But these days the golden arches are gone. It's now "Cremins Court," after former head coach Bobby Cremins - so is it Tech which is afraid to put his new team at College of Charleston on the schedule?

6:20 p.m.: Several Kansas fans have scattered tickets around me. One of them is an Atlanta attorney - and as we chat, I'm amazed to learn he attended the same high school I did in Kansas City. In fact, he graduated high school one year ahead of my older brother. Maybe I shouldn't have brought up the fact that my brother now drives trucks for a living.

6:45 p.m.: The Georgia Tech Pep Band starts playing, 15 minutes before game time. This replaces the recorded music which was playing loudly before. I listened carefully, but could not figure out all the lyrics to "Soldier Boy" - and no cheerleaders were dancing it, either.

6:50 p.m.: A sportsmanship announcement is made, as fans begin to fill the arena. I'm surprised again, when the recording notes NO alcohol is allowed at Alexander Memorial Coliseum. Yet during the second half, many in the crowd still know how to sing the jingle, 'When you've said Budweiser, you've said it all."

6:53 p.m.: Flag-carriers and cheerleaders bring out the Georgia Tech basketball team for the game. The school fight song is played - and the only words most fans seem to know are in the second verse: "To H**l with Georgia." No wonder football coach Paul Johnson has learned that so well, and so quickly.

I wind up with a single seat wearing a Kansas sweatshirt, with Georgia Tech on either side of me. It inspires me to sing to the man on my right an old Sesame Street tune: "One of these things does not belong here...."

First half: Tipoff is right on time at 7:00 p.m., but a challenge occurs right away. Did Georgia Tech take a 2-0 or 3-0 lead? The officials check ESPN's video replay, and call it three. It's about the only time Kansas Coach Bill Self raises a fuss all night - which could mean he's turning Self-righteous.

The officials are in a whistle-tooting mood, and the personal fouls pile up quickly. I tell people around me that the referees seem to be sponsored by Tic-Tac.

Georgia Tech basketball has a lot of gimmicks which borrow from pro sports. One timeout has a "dance cam" following fans, while another offers a "kiss cam" to smooch your partner on the big screen. By comparison, an old-fashioned "Let's Go Tech" routine by the cheerleaders doesn't excite the crowd at all. The ladies doing standing backflips after free throws may have to start doing doubles.

But gimmicks may have their limits, because not every seat is filled for the Kansas-Georgia Tech game. A top-five team visits Atlanta, and it can't fill the building?! Well, maybe it's because fans around me aren't sure if the University of Kansas is in Lawrence or Manhattan - and one even claims Kansas is famous for corn. No, that's what the joke writers from Kansas write....

The Georgia Tech fans around me do seem to be impressed by the Kansas team. One calls the Jayhawks "big and quick." Another compares senior center Sasha Kaun to "the Russian in Rocky V." Wow - I hear that name, and compare him to a soul singer from the 1980's.

But the game is good and tight. Kansas takes an eight-point lead, then Georgia Tech cuts it to two. The Jayhawks lead 36-29 at the half, but I'm not feeling comfortable. This is only Kansas's second road game, after playing nine at home -- and what if some players are concerned about whether they passed their final exams?

Halftime: Georgia Tech's new football coach is introduced, to the loudest ovation so far. Paul Johnson admits he's trying to catch up on recruiting, while hiring a staff of assistants. And his quote about Georgia which we mentioned above shows he still has a good bit of the Navy in his system.

Second half: Kansas jumps out to an early 12-point lead - but I'm amazed at how the Kansas fans around me seem to sit on their hands, even when the Jayhawks make a nice basket. It's as if they've read all the scary reports about Atlanta, and fear Georgia Tech fans will mug them.

Alexander Memorial Coliseum has two "jumbo screens" above it - and the "Buzz Vision" for instant replays finally works, after not showing any in the first half. It showed all the replay sponsorships, though. I hope Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt enjoys the new suits they're buying him.

Paul Hewitt calls a timeout at about the 12:00 mark, and uses much of it to vent to an official. You'd think after all these years, Hewitt would know he can e-mail The Vent at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution....

(And even if he did, some of us might offer a polite reply - pointing out three Kansas players fouled out, while no one from Georgia Tech did.)

Paul Hewitt suddenly calls another timeout with 9:17 to play, and throws off his sportscoat to the floor in less than two seconds. He's apparently now upset with how his team is playing - because other coaches would have thrown that sportscoat at a referee, in an attempt to get ejected.

(I should note here that even Georgia Tech is called the Yellowjackets, the coach does NOT wear a yellow jacket on the sidelines. That sort of approach to coaching seemed to end when Alabama fired Wimp Sanderson.)

Kansas reaches a game-high 13-point lead. Georgia Tech eventually makes a comeback, but a mix of sloppiness and great defense gets in the way. One of them has a Yellowjacket breakaway end with TWO blocked shots by the Jayhawks. You don't see many double-blocks like that anymore - not even when people are changing flat tires.

Yet Georgia Tech keeps hanging around, because Kansas can't finish the game well. Several missed free throws allow the Yellowjackets to climb back within eight at the 2:00 mark -- and a backcourt fumble makes the score 67-64 with 32.1 seconds left. Did the Jayhawks watch Atlanta Falcons tapes by mistake?

But Sherron Collins makes two free throws with eight seconds to go - and then Kansas steals the ball at midcourt as Georgia Tech tries to approach for a tying shot. The final margin is five points. And that's where some frustrated fans head next - the Five Points MARTA station, on their way home.

Post-game: Georgia Tech guard Lewis Clinch tells the WQXI-AM locker room show Kansas is NOT the toughest team he's seen this year. He says Vanderbilt was. Is that a coded way of saying, "We were robbed by the refs"?!

I hear this interview in my car, while traffic clears the Georgia Tech campus. While I ate popcorn during the second half, I've yet to really eat dinner. But that's OK, because the legendary "Varsity" is right on the way to the Downtown Connector. It's buzzing with post-game fans - but I'm saddened to hear the server require me to give up my ticket, for the free chili dog coupon on the back.

I wind up with a large Diet Coke to stay awake on the drive home, onion rings which are a bit limp but very tasty - and two of what the late author Lewis Grizzard called "chili dogs that bark all night." And in perhaps the biggest surprise of the night, no beggars show up by my car window in the parking lot looking for some of their own.

(By the way, what does it say when The Varsity accepts major credit cards - but the basketball ticket window at a technologically advanced place like Georgia Tech does not? For all the team's sponsorships, couldn't it work out something with American Express?)

Because of our road trip/special event, we didn't hear much local news Tuesday. But this much we know....

+ A Columbus man surrendered to police, on charges of robbing Golden Donuts Monday evening. Talk about a daring holdup! He may have hit the very place where you'd expect officers to be swarming.

+ The Steve and Barry's store officially opened at Cross Country Plaza. Among other things, it offers a fashion line by tennis star Venus Williams. Hopefully she resists the urge to say in commercials, "You'll LOVE it."

+ Fox Sports Radio reported the Atlanta Falcons are talking to Bill Parcells, about becoming an executive vice-president. That's too bad - because it seems to me this team needs him as a coach. Not to mention a quarterback, and some receivers with better hands....

+ Instant Message to Keep Columbus Beautiful: Has someone told you about what's happening in the middle of Interstate 185? It looks like rows of trees in Harris County have been sawn off at about ten feet high. Is this some strange way to make sure the "scenic byway" has scenes which everyone can see?

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Because of today's special event, our review of 2007 will take a break today. It should resume Thursday.)

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1806 (+ 107, 6.3%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

18 DEC 07: MERGER MEDICAL

Wow - two hospital buyout announcements in the Columbus area within a week! Who could have guessed this? Who would have thought hospitals would be selling out in December faster than X-Box 360 sets?

A group from the Hughston Clinic announced an agreement in principle Monday to buy Phenix City's Summit Hospital.. This comes only days after Columbus Regional announced plans to buy Doctors Hospital. About the only thing left is for the state to sell West Central psychiatric hospital to St. Francis.

The Hughston Clinic is an entity does NOT seem to be buying Summit Hospital. A statement says six surgeons at the clinic are doing it - so maybe this will be renamed the REAL Doctors' Hospital.

The six surgeons are paying $53 million to buy Summit Hospital. That's almost nine million dollars each - so check the costs on that patient bill very carefully.

Speaking for the six surgeons, Dr. Carlton Savory admitted Summit Hospital has had financial problems since it opened 16 months ago. He said that makes the timing of the purchase perfect. Hmmm - as in buy low, sell high?!

Dr. Carlton Savory says few immediate changes are planned in Summit Hospital. It will have an orthopedic focus, but remain a "general hospital." Maybe more patients would use it if the actual cast of General Hospital showed up.

Dr. Carlton Savory believes the future is bright for Summit Hospital. He says once construction is finished on the Phenix City north bypass, Summit will be the easiest hospital to reach in the Columbus area. Hopefully he'll tell that to the ambulance drivers who will whiz by, taking trauma patients to The Medical Center.

But really now -- can six surgeons successfully supervise Summit's subordinates? Come to think of it, can they say that last sentence out loud without a speech therapist?

But anyway: Dr. Carlton Savory's answer to that question is yes. In his words: "We know how it should run." There could be no better time for the Summit Hospital nurses to organize a union....

Phenix City Councilor Gail Brantley told WRBL she was pleased with the sale of Summit Hospital. She said anything would be better than the hospital's closing -- although the building probably could be turned into nice new condos, on the order of The Phenixian.

But some Phenix City residents may be shuddering at the news that Hughston Clinic doctors are buying Summit Hospital. After all, Columbus Regional owned Phenix Regional Hospital before shutting it down. We're sorry to have to remind the Doctors Hospital staff of that....

Remember when a Summit Hospital executive was dismissed during the planning process, essentially because he bought a house in Columbus? Now Columbus doctors are taking over Phenix City's only hospital - which may not give residents there migraine headaches, but could give them migrating ones.

THE BLOG OF AMERICA: NBC announced Monday that Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien will resume first-run programs in January, despite the Writers' Guild strike. It's not clear how the shows will be done -- but I'll be more than happy to call in long-distance with fresh jokes.

With the return of late-night shows looking very likely, I'd better get these national jokes out of my system now....

+ Q: Why does Beyonce want a Democrat to win the White House?

A: They're "to the left, to the left!"

+ Former Georgia Congressperson Cynthia McKinney confirmed she's running for President. Part of me wants to say that sentence needs no punch line....

(Cynthia McKinney hopes to be the Green Party's candidate. Come to think of it, that's probably the most logical party for a "person of color" to prefer.)

+ Brian Williams introduced a new announcer voice for NBC Nightly News - and it's Michael Douglas! Huh?! Katie Couric asked Walter Cronkite to be her CBS introduction voice, and people claim HER newscast is the soft one.

(No wonder Brian Williams's top story Monday night was the decision to resume late-night talk shows. He wants to be back around his acting buddies again - and maybe do a Saturday Night Live sequel.)

Back to the local news now, and other highlights from a chilly Monday:

+ Columbus Council will vote today on the emergency purchase of a new floor and refrigeration system for the Columbus Civic Center. Manager Dale Hester showed WLTZ cooling pipes, which are corroding from the outside in. Shame on those country music fans for using the floor as a spittoon.

+ WRBL reported the new Wal-Mart SuperCenter on Airport Thruway will not open until next spring. Wasn't the original plan for a January opening? Everything looks ready from the outside - and Shoney's probably has already stocked up with extra french toast sticks for the breakfast buffet.

+ Another round of three-state water talks was held in Tallahassee, Florida. Alabama Governor Bob Riley said an agreement was worked out so areas with a water shortage can have their request heard within a week. I still think Georgia's Governor had a faster idea, with that day of prayer a few weeks ago.

+ Plans were announced for a Sunday celebration of Carver High School's state football title. It will start with a parade down Broadway at 2:00 p.m. - as if all the people who attend downtown church services are going to stick around for two hours, instead of hurrying off for last-minute shopping.

+ Instant Message to Phenix City Police Chief Brian McGarr: Has anyone told you about the paint job on your patrol cars? I didn't notice it until Monday - but some people probably giggle when the passenger's side door opens and it says "Phenix City Lice."

2007 IN REVIEW CONTINUED: February began with an unusual court case - as a Russell County judge went to a grade school, for the trial of a teacher. He may be on to something here. So many people will want to see the Kenneth Walker civil trial that they should have it along Interstate 185.

A grade school teacher in Clay County, Georgia made news in February, by using duct tape to shut a student's mouth. Those antibacterial soaps must not wash mouths out as effectively as the old ones did.

A Valley, Alabama middle school had a different kind of scandal in February. Administrators removed all the bathroom tissue, to punish some rebellious students. If only the students had been caught passing notes in class - the days of writing 100 sentences as punishment could have been gone forever.

The Ledger-Enquirer had a scary story in February, warning the federal government might seize control of the old Baker Middle School. But as of Monday, signs were posted outside the building saying it's up for sale - so the folks in Washington can't figure out what to do with it, either.

The Parisian store at Peachtree Mall closed in February -- and even though Dillard's later bought the space, it remains empty today. It hasn't even turned into that restaurant people have waited about ten years to see, replacing W.C. Crowley's.

Another closing in February was recommended by the Phenix City Police Chief. The city council voted to shut down Gonzoes' Jazz and Blues Sports Bar. Apparently it's against city custom to show Utah Jazz basketball games and St. Louis Blues hockey games at the same time.

Georgia Senator Johnny Isakson announced in February he helped weld a bolt at the U.S.-Mexican border, to keep illegal immigrants out. Well, that's one small step toward matching Jimmy Carter's work with Habitat for Humanity....

The General Manager of the Columbus Catfish went to Columbus Council in February, saying Golden Park needs padded outfield walls and a better drainage system. Then the Catfish went on to win a championship - and they won a division title because Savannah's field had drainage which is even worse.

College softball's annual "Leadoff Classic" returned to Columbus in February. And as usually happens, one day of play was washed out by rain. After what's happened in recent months, I suggest ten Leadoff Classics be scheduled throughout the next three months.

A new sports team began play in February, and the Columbus Lions reached the finals of the World Indoor Football League. That league has now folded, with the Lions joining a different league - so it's the end of the World as we know it.

(SCHEDULED WEDNESDAY: A road trip to Atlanta, which likely will mean a late post here.... check the sports schedule for a clue as to why....)

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1699 (- 79, 4.4%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Monday, December 17, 2007

17 DEC 07: BANNED FROM THE BAND

It's one thing to show up at church and be surrounded by your friends. It's another thing to go to church and find yourself under a police escort. Yet that happened to one man at a Columbus church over the weekend - and it wasn't even a guest speaker who became converted while in prison.

BLOG EXCLUSIVE: Your blog confirmed Sunday evening that a member of the Cascade Hills Church praise band has been removed, because his wife sent an anonymous e-mail raising questions about church government. Actually, he was told to "lay low" - which some might misunderstand to mean he's softly playing a bass guitar.

The news about this shake-up actually reached us by another anonymous message:

The band member that was mentioned from Cascade Hills who's wife informed the members of the bylaw change was removed from the band list on the website, replaced on his scheduled date and effectively removed from the band. This was done before anyone from the church talked to him. Just as was expected.

Brianna Ogletree confirmed this report in a phone conversation. In fact, she says husband Roy only found out about his removal when the church web site took him off the list of band members. This is almost like that single woman on "Sex and the City" who was dumped with a Post-It note.

Roy Ogletree was taken off the Cascade Hills band list two weeks ago. His wife told me after checking the web site, he called the church music minister - and was told he "needed to lay low." Since it's December, it could have been a move to a live nativity scene.

(We tried to call up the music ministry page Sunday night, but we were kicked back to the Cascade Hills home page instead. Is it because Roy Ogletree could be seen in the background on that page, as wife Brianna told us? Or is someone at the church tapping into our e-mail, and knowing we're coming?)

Other band members set the record straight: Roy Ogletree will NOT be allowed back on stage to play worship songs at Cascade Hills Church. I suppose he still shake a tambourine in the audience - but then, this church is Baptist and not Pentecostal.

But Brianna Ogletree told me her husband still needed to see someone at Cascade Hills Church. So he went to the Saturday night service, and wound up with a "police escort around the building." Perhaps this was understandable, after what happened in Colorado the Sunday before. But if he isn't carrying a guitar case....

(We mentioned here years ago how Cascade Hills Church has off-duty uniformed police officers at its services. The twin shootings in Colorado made me consider them in a very different light. Are they there simply for traffic control? Has Pastor Bill Purvis received some kind of threat? Or are the tithe collections at every service THAT big?)

Brianna Ogletree told the Ledger-Enquirer two weeks ago she feared her husband might be asked to leave the Cascade Hills Church band. She told me Sunday the church seems to have an attitude of "guilty until proven innocent." But hold on - isn't that the process of repenting from sin works?

Brianna Ogletree says she's "very disappointed" with Cascade Hills Church - and in fact was so disappointed that stopped attending there early in the year. At least she's happy with the thought that it'll be "nice to go to church as a family." Wherever they go, the pastor had better preach properly -- or we might hear about it.

By the way, Brianna Ogletree had no new information on the court order Cascade Hills Church sought to stop anonymous e-mailers [2 Dec]. This church might find stamping them out is a lot like stamping out sins from your life -- when you think you've put down one, another two seem to pop up.

E-MAIL UPDATE: What other powers do readers want to go after today? How about the Phenix City Manager....

I know you're the voice of Columbus (and to some small part the voice of hurtsboro?) but we over here in Phenix city have a big problem locally & the media well we all know they are just puppets and dance to whoever is playing the music.

Our elected council members, Mayor, & City Manager all swear to uphold the City Charter when elected or nominated to their seats. One aspect of our cities charter is that all of these fine officials MUST live within the city limits. The reason this was put into the charter (the cornerstone of our fine city) is because if a person lives in our town, pays taxes & city services in our town ... they just MIGHT give a D**N about our town & do the right thing by its people, employees & businesses.

City Manager H.H. "Bubba" Roberts lives 16 miles outside the city & drives a city vehicle to and from work every day. Our citizens pay for that vehicle and the gas he uses to drive back & forth. He is a terror to all that work in the city. He makes HR decisions on a whim and throws actual "PHYSICAL" temper tantrums when he doesnt get his way. He doesnt care about our town or the employees who work very hard to keep it the wonderful town its always been. He and his buddies (John Storey, Arthur Sumbry, & that gal who always votes what John wants) are running this town the way they want & be d**ned with us & down with Jeff too if he doesnt wanna play ball!

The entire city council & mayor know and have known for several years that he does NOT live inside the city limits. A few months back the mayor tried to have him REMOVED because he wouldnt work with him but found out that unless the ENTIRE council backed removing him ... he was staying. They should remove him simply for being in violation of our towns charter and if they are going to ignore the city charter they swore to uphold fully when elected....then they ALL ought to be out of those seats.

Sorry to burn up the blog like this but after writing dozens of letters to the Ledger Enquirer its quite obvious there isnt a sniff of investigative journalism anywhere over there. They only print what comes out of councils mouths ... they wont dare look into anything shady.

Charles Farley Jr

I asked a news reporter who covers Phenix City about this Sunday - and was told Bubba Roberts claims to own property inside Phenix City, where he lives from time to time. That's in addition to his home outside the city limits. So if Russell County can hire an engineer who lives in Lee County, why isn't this legal?

If Bubba Roberts is that much of a "terror" to Phenix City employees, why is it that the only person to complain about him publicly is a member of Russell County's SWAT team? You may remember that incident involving the city firing range, which led to the new range for county employees in Fort Mitchell. Be thankful those facilities are several miles apart....

CORRECTED: Keep in mind that a city employee filed charges against Phenix City Council member Ray Bush earlier this year, not the City Manager - and Bush was cleared in court. Would any city employee dare accuse Bubba Roberts of some kind of abuse? Or are they waiting until the final weeks of the 2008 election to bring it up?

We thank all of you for sending us comments and news tips - and since not much in the news thrilled us Sunday, we'll focus on sports instead:

+ The Ledger-Enquirer promised it will publish a book on Carver High School's championship football season - and sell it for $29.95. If Brookstone had won a state title, I might understand that price....

+ Mayor Jim Wetherington promised the city will do "something special" for Carver. Maybe the team will get free tickets to the Columbus Catfish home opener in April - and the city can save money, by celebrating two champions at once.

+ The Atlanta Falcons were trampled by Tampa Bay 37-3. Several Falcon players promised radio sideline reporter Nicole Watson they planned their own "something special" for their first touchdown. Well, at least they get another week to practice it....

(The Falcons were SO BAD that they never converted any third-down plays. Did Bobby Petrino take all the team playbooks with him to Arkansas?)

+ Instant Message to Beacon University: Did I hear my radio right - you're sponsoring Columbus Cottonmouths hockey games? Do the ministers on the faculty turn the other direction when fights break out?

2007 IN REVIEW: We start at the beginning, in our review of the last year. The second day of January was the first day in office for Mayor Jim Wetherington. Remember the question he asked in his inaugural speech for evaluating his term: "Do you trust your city government?" At this moment, the answer seems to be a resounding no.

Columbus city documents unveiled in January showed several surprising companies owed landfill fees - including the Dolly Madison bakery. Perhaps the bakers thought they'd wadded up the slices of bread enough to earn a discount.

Later in the month, Columbus Council voted to build a new skate park in the South Commons area. I'm waiting for the construction to start on that - and I don't think they needed to rip up sewer lines around McClung Memorial Stadium to build it.

The Columbus NAACP spent a day in January renovating the historic Spencer House on Veterans Parkway downtown. Your ticket to the January banquet might actually provide the group with enough exterior paint to finish the job, since it's been a scraped mess for months.

President Bush visited Fort Benning in January - and within weeks, the Third Brigade was on its way to Iraq. So if the President makes a surprise visit at your high school during 2008, make a run for it.

Columbus had several grand openings in January. The Riverpark campus of Columbus State University opened downtown. The new Wal-Mart SuperCenter opened at Columbus Park Crossing. And not far from there, Red Robin Gourmet Burgers opened - yet local nature groups have yet to complain about this restaurant killing robins for meat.

Phenix City began the year with news of merger talks, involving three water systems. It's a bit surprising the drought hasn't eliminated one of them by attrition by now.

Developers promised in January that "The Phenixian" complex would begin construction in June. Yet it still hasn't started today, because of a long hassle over ownership of the land. I won't be surprised if we wind up seeing a high-rise on the grounds -- but it'll be for a Troy University academic building.

A Phenix City McDonald's showed a rare bit of customer courtesy in January, by posting signs warning prices were about to go up. Cable TV of East Alabama tried to follow that example months later, but it was a lot more controversial....

The "Hurtsboro Mondays" phenomenon began here Monday, with news that a City Council member was found in violations of Alabama ethics law. Mae Dell McVay faces a January trial - while in the meantime, we've heard enough complaints about Hurtsboro to put half the town in the Russell County jail.

We noted during late January that gasoline prices had dropped to $1.98 a gallon in Columbus. Shame on all of us who failed to hurry to hardware stores, buy all the gas cans we could and filled them on the spot....

The big regional sports story was Nick Saban's decision to leave the National Football League, and become head coach at Alabama. Some sports talk hosts called him a "snake" at the time -- but now Bobby Petrino has made him look downright gentlemanly.

We made a BIG PREDICTION in January that CBS would make Louisiana State-Alabama a national TV game. Sure enough, the network did it -- and if John Parker Wilson had held that football in the fourth quarter, the final result actually would have been two teams with winning records.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Our review of 2007 will continue throughout the coming days.)

Today's main topic was the result of a blog reader's tip. To offer a story, make a PayPal donation, advertise to our readers or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post your e-mail comment and offer a reply.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1778 (+ 53, 3.1%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

UPDATE 1, 4:16pm

Sunday, December 16, 2007

16 DEC 07: THE COMEBACK KIDS

"We've gone from professional broadcasters to.... I don't know what we are." Yet another classic quote from WOKS sportscaster Cliff Rutledge - this time in the final minute of Saturday's Carver-Cairo clash for the AAA football title. Amid all the tension, listeners needed something to make them laugh out loud.

Congratulations to Carver, which won the AAA crown Saturday by edging Cairo 16-13. Once again Carver had to come from behind in the last two minutes - but at least they took the ball with three minutes left, so fewer fans had a heart attack.

Carver's two best-known stars came through again when it mattered. Quarterback DeRon Furr ran 24 yards for the winning goal with 1:01 to play, diving over a corner of the end zone. In fact, his dive was so long and so high that two officials held up cards giving it a ten.

Jarmon Fortson not only ran for a Carver touchdown - he sacked the Cairo quarterback for a big loss in the final minute. So he might be able to play two ways at Auburn, freeing Tommy Tuberville to find yet another replacement for Brandon Cox.

The WOKS announcers said Saturday's game had plenty of sportsmanship. Perhaps they read some of our pre-game comments, stemming from the fight on the field when Cairo beat Shaw. Or maybe Cairo thought Carver's nickname was the "Fighting Tigers."

The radio broadcast also spotted Charles Flowers at the "Syrup Bowl" in Cairo, congratulating Carver Coach Dell McGee after the game. The local rumor-mongers would say Flowers's grand strategy worked - and they'll now claim McGee will leave to join Flowers's coaching staff in Albany, while his wife gets a guaranteed job at the Miller brewery.

The Carver win means Columbus Mayor Jim Wetherington captures a bet with the mayor of Cairo, and took home a bottle of syrup. All Wetherington could offer in a bet was a stuffed tiger - as if Country's Barbecue wouldn't offer him a dinner plate in a reheatable box.

(At least the mayor went to Cairo for the AAA final. I'm not sure he even went to Golden Park in September, in behalf of the Columbus Catfish.)

So let's draw the local high school sports boundary lines. Jordan is for basketball, Carver for football, Columbus for baseball and volleyball -- and maybe there's still time for Hardaway to call NBC, and get in on that "clash of the choirs."

We had a backup plan for today's entry, in case Carver lost - because I witnessed an even more amazing sports comeback in Columbus the other night. Some people might disagree with that assessment. Such as the people who don't consider poker a sport....

The comeback happened on my Thursday poker night, where everybody starts with 200 pretend-money chips. One player dropped all the way to 31, went "all in" as a last stand - yet rallied from there to outlast about 16 other players and be declared the winner. If I'm able to give you this many details, it means I stayed to the end. And NOT because football was on a big-screen TV

Yes, the guy who made this amazing comeback at the Lil Kim's Cove "poker night" was I -- my third winning session since the start of October, and I've only played seven nights in that time. So do I qualify to get a big-money sponsorship with a poker web site?

I had about 60 chips when players were combined into the final table. This made me what they call in poker the "short stack." So short that only a few drops of Cairo's syrup could have covered it....

But then an amazing run occurred. I wasn't keeping score, but someone near me said I won four pots in a row - and did it with big hands: one straight, two flushes and a full house. So I came off the cliff, without needing a bluff.

I made a couple of bad decisions during the evening to lose chips -- and when the table dropped to four players, I took a big hit when an opponent made a "Jack or else" on the last card in a hand. After such a big run, my luck seemed to be running out. But then.... no, DeRon Furr did NOT show up at the bar to save me.

With some more cautious play, I rebounded after losing a big chip lead and wound up in the final two. But that's where it became complicated. First place at Lil Kim's Cove pays $50, second place wins a bucket of five beers - and I don't drink beer. A man agreed to split the prizes with me. But how do you cut a bottle of beer in half, without making a mess?

Someone had to be declared the winner to end the game and claim the prizes. So the two of us decided that I would win, take the 50 dollars, then give my opponent 20 while he received the five beers. We both wished the presidential candidates could resolve things this easily.

My Thursday night poker games have been amazingly successful lately. Since Labor Day I've had three wins, finished third once and fourth three times. And perhaps most amazingly, a couple of guys seem to be changing their blue language when I sit near them.

Oh yes - I happened to bring up Carver High's success at one of the poker tables. One player predicted Cairo would win the AAA final, because the players are from a "farm town." So?! What about that country music act this weekend, which seemed perfect for the Columbus Civic Center - Little Big Town?

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now a different "Fortson" sighting, from a reader concerned that we keep him/her anonymous for safety reasons....

If you want to see the most professionally torched vehicle in the world, drive out Fortson Road to Fortson Court and go around the back of the first set of offices. Overnight someone torched the truck belonging to the owner of a landscape service..

It is burned to a cinder, no windows, no tires, and the surrounding area suffered no damage except for a couple of melted trashcans. It is a sight worth driving to see, it had to be done by someone who really knew what he, or she, was doing.

The owner made someone very, very mad. I'd be watching my children and pets carefully after that.

We saw this e-mail late Thursday, but decided NOT to drive to the scene after hearing the Friday morning radio news. WDAK reported police were investigating the burning of the Southern Landscaping truck, so I assumed the damage had been impounded. The writer almost makes it sound like the damage could have fit in a cremation urn.

Admittedly not knowing very much about this case, I'm wondering if the torching might qualify as a hate crime. Does this landscaping service employ immigrants, legal or otherwise? This could have been done by someone who felt robbed of a job -- or perhaps someone whose team lost a weekend soccer game near Victory Drive.

So how do you like the new TV newscast in town? Another reader has been taking notes....

Richard,

I've had a chance to watch the outsourced WLTZ newscast a few times now -- what a joke! WRBL and WTVM/WXTX have nothing to worry about.

For example, look at the regional weather graphics they are using. The red dot that is next to the text "Columbus" is actually located on Ft. Benning in Chattahoochee County. I'd bet that the dot is supposed to represent Columbus.

I can understand nationwide weather forecasts, but it just feels wrong to have a weathercaster experiencing 20-degree weather and snow talking about our high temps in the 70s.

From John Beard's biography on the WLTZ web site.... "John has a wonderful wife, Amy, and a beautiful little girl, Alex. If you see them around town, stop and say hello."

See them around town?

From KLJB's website (Davenport, Iowa).... "John has a wonderful wife, Amy, and a beautiful little girl, Alex. If you see them around town, stop and say hello."

-Thomas

Oh dear - the secret's out. The next thing you know, we'll see pictures of Al Fleming voting in the Iowa caucuses.

I hadn't paid close enough attention to the WLTZ weather maps to see where their red dot was. I've been too busy waiting for the sports reports - trying to figure out why Jeremy Moss shows boxing matches instead of Columbus State basketball highlights.

(I wonder how many other people agree with Thomas about faraway forecasters. The Weather Channel is based in metro Atlanta - so do envious North Dakota residents boycott it during winter?)

But to be fair: WLTZ news anchor Libby Allison WAS in town last weekend. She was in the NBC-38 car at the Bi-City Christmas Parade -- and she didn't seem to dress in a winter coat and mittens at all.

By the way, the links above led me to something I hadn't noticed before. WLTZ has completely revamped its web site in the last month. You can watch video from the newscasts - but for some odd reason, all the stories in the "Local News" section take you to the Ledger-Enquirer's site. The TV receptionist must not have time to type in the scripts herself.

We have to hold at least one other e-mail for another day, as we check other weekend highlights:

+ A Saturday evening storm dropped more than an inch of rain on most of Columbus, and left standing water on the grass near my front door. The lawn must have been so stunned, it didn't know what to do with it.

+ Columbus Police announced the crime crackdown which began last summer has led to more than 1,000 arrests, and the seizure of 56 guns. So if the criminals don't have the guns, how did we have that wave of homicides?

+ WRBL reported a cashier in the business office at Chattahoochee Valley Community College pleaded guilty to embezzlement. I thought this college offered accounting courses - but maybe that's Columbus Technical College.

+ An Alabama state lawmaker proposed legalizing guns on college campuses, but only for students enrolled in the ROTC program. Why put limits on this? Fine arts majors might want to make anti-war statements.

(The lawmaker who proposed this claims if ROTC students are allowed to carry guns, it will stop future Virginia Tech massacres. Maybe I'm missing something - but didn't the bulk of those killings occur in a chemistry hall, not military science?)

+ Sugarland joined Little Big Town in a country concert at the Columbus Civic Center - and for some reason, it left the Cottonmouths unable to show their Saturday night hockey game on the Internet. I didn't know Jennifer Nettles's voice was loud enough to break camera lenses.

(Columbus tripped Twin City 3-1 in the hockey game, after a Friday night game at Huntsville was postponed by a power outage in the arena. A Columbus-Huntsville game with a lack of power?! That sounds about as unlikely as a men-only night at a shopping mall.)

+ Instant Message to Summit Hospital: I saw your nice big billboard on the 280 Bypass - but after what you've been through, I have to ask: how can you afford that?

THE BLOG OF AMERICA: The continuing Writers' Guild strike has reached the point where this season of "Lost" may have fewer episodes. As if a "Lost season" wouldn't be appropriate?!

+ Pakistan's President ended the country's state of emergency. Well, it ended officially. As long has Pakistan has nuclear weapons, India's government won't even feel safe when the countries play a "friendly" game of cricket.

+ The Miami County, Ohio Sheriff made inmates paint the jail walls pink. Charles Cox explained the colors can have a calming effect. At last I understand how Pepto-Bismol works....

+ The attorney for Kevin Federline demanded Britney Spears face court sanctions. It's because Spears missed a deposition date claiming illness, then was seen out and about in Los Angeles after midnight. Amazing healing can occur at those 2:00 p.m. doctor appointments.

(I personally know of someone who had a "healing" like this years ago. A former roommate was too ill to attend church one day - then went to a church dance that very night. He may have improved physically, but his reputation took a turn for the worse.)

+ Post offices braced for a final rush of pre-Christmas mail. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, about 14 billion cards are sent around the world -- so if your neighborhood post office sounded like it had a noisy holiday party this weekend, everyone there could afford it.

+ The Virginia house which Michael Vick used for dogfighting was offered for sale on the courthouse steps - but it attracted only one serious bidder, so it was withdrawn. You almost get the feeling the Atlanta Falcons's coaching job will be filled the same way.

+ Veteran golfer Greg Norman and tennis legend Chris Evert announced they are engaged. You have to give Norman credit -- after all these years, it appears he's finally won a "U.S. major."

+ Movie critic Roger Ebert declared on The Oprah Winfrey Show that he "dated" Winfrey twice during the 1980's. It's too bad fellow critic Gene Siskel died several years ago. We want to know if he joined in a double-date -- and whether he took Phil Donahue or Gayle King.

+ Alex Trebek checked out of a hospital, as he recovers from a heart attack. We're thankful to know he's not in "Final Jeopardy" quite yet.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: The Blog of America will be suspended for awhile, as on Monday we'll begin our extensive review of 2007's top events.)

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1725 (+ 72, 4.4%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Friday, December 14, 2007

for 15 DEC 07: NO EXTRA CHARGE

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: You may find this item humorous, serious, or a little of both - but we offer these thoughts from time to time, as we keep a seventh-day Sabbath.)

"Jerry Springer Show...." the man sitting next to me at the poker table started hesitantly the other night. "He's appearing in Columbus...."

"Jerry Seinfeld," I corrected him. "They're two very different shows." For one thing, I think Springer's voice is quieter.

"When's he coming to town?" the man asked.

"In March."

"He sold out! He sold 4,000 tickets!" In Columbus, that IS a bit hard to believe - especially since Jerry Seinfeld doesn't sing country music.

"They added a second show," I noted to the man.

"And the ticket prices START at 46 dollars!" He simply couldn't believe Jerry Seinfeld sold that many seats so fast. Tickets to see Carver High School play in today's AAA football final cost only 15 dollars - so Coach Dell McGee must be wondering what more it has to do.

"I'm a Christian," the man continued, "but I'm not sure I'd pay 46 dollars to see Jesus Christ appear at the RiverCenter."

"I probably would pay it," I answered. "I'd want to take it out of my tithe, though."

Would YOU pay money to see Jesus Christ? Some ministers talk as if there IS some kind of admission price for access to God. If you don't pay money, God won't bless you -- and might not even listen to you. They almost make the Creator of all life sound like a Washington politician.

The Bible clearly shows you should pay tithes and offerings to God. But that's not our issue here. A day is coming when Jesus Christ WILL make a grand appearance, and no tickets will be required. The first chapter of Revelation says so - the Revelation which was around long before the Ledger-Enquirer started checking Columbus Fire Department records.

"Every eye shall see him," Revelation 1 says about the future coming of Jesus. We noted earlier this year [20 Jan] that some ministers say this will be possible because CNN will televise it live. But I suspect God has something in mind which is much grander and larger - since this was written long before Anderson Cooper had a 360.

This great appearance of Jesus is one that everyone will see - which should mean you won't have to pay any money to see it. But let's go back to what the man next to me on poker night said. Would you want to see Jesus appear, at ANY price? Or is it something you'd rather not think about -- because He might treat you like one of those tables He once overturned in a temple?

Christians believe Jesus is coming again someday. And to borrow from a children's game: "Ready or not, He will come." It's better to be ready, and make the changes necessary in your life to get ready now. That way, when Jesus appears absolutely free of charge, you'll be free as well - free of sin and guilt.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1653 (- 237, 12.5%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

14 DEC 07: THE 1,500 CLUB

A special season begins for this blog today. No, we do NOT keep the season of Christmas - even though at Thursday night's poker tournament I dared to sing: "Blinds are now at 10 and 20, pum-pum-pum...."

BLOG SPECIAL EVENT: The special season is one of blog-writing milestones, lasting from today until our fifth anniversary in early January. This day happens to mark the 1,500^th post we've made. So if I'm now in the 1500s, does that officially qualify me as a renaissance man?

Since we only post items to this blog once a day, that means we've made 300 posts a year over the last five years. That's a lot of writing, an awful lot of jokes - and probably a few jokes which were just plain awful.

For newcomers who may not know, we began this blog after operating a subscription humor service for nearly three years. LaughLine.com went out of business 11 October 02, after only a few subscribers and 713 daily issues. We noted on that final day that at least we stopped one short of Babe Ruth's home run milestone.

(The LaughLine web site was sold days later in an online auction - for only $7.50. I would have been better off heating two slices of toast, and making them look like pictures of Paris Hilton.)

We've heard from many people over these 1,500 posts, who appreciate and enjoy what they read here. Why, this e-mail reached us only this week....

Okay the reviews are coming in---you are hilarious!

Is the constable a real person or a funny literary tool? I love his sorties about the mare!

You need to write a book---or have you already---it would sell a milion!

Isn't this amazing? We celebrate a Blog of Columbus milestone, and Hurtsboro, Alabama shows up again....

Yes, Constable R.J. Schweiger is a real person. Ask almost any Hurtsboro resident about him. Or if you don't want to make the drive, you can probably ask most of the staff at the Russell County Court Clerk's office -- because he's been in enough hearings as a defendant.

We have indeed thought about turning our blog items into a book. In fact, we offered a book proposal to a couple of publishers in the last year or two. One told us they could not make the time and commitment necessary to make the book a success. Translation: they'd have to offer a big payoff to arrange a live interview on WRBL.

Then there was the person who came to us earlier this year, suggesting we turn this blog into a local version of TMZ - with multiple immediate posts a day, including video clips. But this idea didn't thrill me. For one thing, do we really need the paparazzi following Dr. John Phillips every time he steps outside the Superintendent's office?

We've written about all sorts of topics in 1,500 posts. So we decided to play a "numbers game," and check the archives to see how many times certain selected words have come up....

+ Flood: 48 posts. That beats 45 for "drought" - so for you newcomers: yes, it does rain hard here once in a great while.

+ Little League: 176 posts. That tops 146 for "Cottonmouths," and shows which sport is really king in this city.

+ "Poydasheff": 236 posts, including 16 this year since he left the mayor's office. But somehow we missed where he went on this year's annual overseas vacation - and whether any new industry is coming here as a result.

+ "Wetherington": 142 posts He may not smile much, but so far he's providing a lot more joke material.

+ Hurtsboro: 94 posts, with 82 of them (including today) in 2007. Imagine if I'd asked Constable R.J. Schweiger to be a guest writer during our vacation.

+ Cottonton: 4 posts. If the Constable lived there, that number surely would be higher.

E-MAIL UPDATE: One thing we've supported at this blog is freedom of speech, on all sorts of topics. Take this unusual sighting....

I know the Constable keeps you up to date on the garbage situation in Hurtsboro, but I thought I'd let you in on an interesting racket the may be going on in downtown Columbus.

I noticed a business man emptying his office's trash into a public trash can on the sidewalk on Broadway. If commercial enterprises are required to have private contracted trash pickup and those guys charge by volume, it makes sense to reduce the volume by using the free public bins (not completely ethical, but makes sense).

Best of luck to in Miami (VT is not going to make it easy).

That businessperson has an interesting idea. If you fill the trash cans on Broadway, the "purple people" from the Business Improvement District will have to remove it - and you dodge those landfill fees in a new and more legitimate way.

But isn't this businessperson taking a risk? Dump your trash into a bin along Broadway, and all sorts of curious passers-by might come along and see what you've dumped. Remember the Greyhound bus station electric bill we posted here? [17 Sep] Someone might pull out a business credit card statement, showing regular payments to mobsters.

That's "best of luck to KANSAS," I think you mean - the old alma mater playing Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl three weeks from now. Certainly the Hokies will be a challenge. But at least the coaching staff no longer can use alumnus Michael Vick as a source of inspiration.

Another regular feature of this blog is our quick summary of news items. Take Thursday....

+ Columbus Fire Chief Jeff Meyer read a statement, saying he expects a city investigation of the Zachary Allen "cocaine crash" to be "thorough." Meyer plans to say nothing more until that investigation is finished - and we'll see if something so thorough leaves him so through.

+ The evening news reported Columbus Regional is in talks to buy Doctors Hospital. Let's be honest here: how many people in Columbus would notice, if Doctors Hospital disappeared? The only people which might really care are expectant mothers - because then they might have NO Baby Place.

(The news of this possible merger is enough to make executives at St. Francis Hospital sick to their stomachs. But then again, maybe that's why St. Francis just opened a new center for digestive disorders.)

+ A federal government report estimated the big base realignment move to Fort Benning will cost the U.S. Army a record $31 billion. Maybe this explains why we've heard nothing about the gold being moved here from Fort Knox - because it might all be sold.

+ AT&T donated one million dollars to the National Infantry Museum project. After what happened with BellSouth last year, it's a wonder the name isn't changing to "The AT&T Museum, which happens to honor the infantry."

+ WRBL showed students attending their final day of classes at the old Rigdon Road Elementary School. They'll move into a new school nearby in January - and then the crews bulldozing the old Sears building can roll down the street on their lunch hours to make a little extra money.

+ The new director of the Georgia Department of Transportation revealed it's a defendant in more than 1,500 pending lawsuits. Did THAT many drivers have wheel alignment damage, while crews repaved Manchester Expressway?

+ Carver High School held a "pep rally and bonfire" for the football team, before Saturday's AAA football final in Cairo. This sort of thing doesn't happen everywhere, you know. Columbus High School environment students might complain about the bonfire contributing to global warming.

(WLTZ went to Cairo, and found Syrupmaker fans preparing shirts reading: "Are you prepared to meet yer Maker?" If they don't allow school-led prayers before high school football games, can this sort of shirt be legal?)

THE BLOG OF AMERICA: The nominees for Golden Globe Awards were announced Thursday - but questions abounded about whether the Writers' Guild strike might disrupt the mid-January show. And all this time, I thought winning actors wrote the little "thank-you lists" in their pockets themselves.

(The list of nominees includes NO mention of "In the Valley of Elah," the movie loosely based on the killing of Fort Benning soldier Richard Davis. If you're going to win awards, it usually helps to have a movie that people actually want to watch.)

+ Democratic presidential candidates held their final debate before the Iowa caucuses. At one point, Barack Obama openly hoped Hillary Rodham Clinton would be an adviser in his administration. I think "advice and consent" with the Senate usually works in the other direction....

(The New Hampshire Co-Chair of the Clinton campaign resigned, after warning Republicans might raise questions about Barack Obama's use of illegal drugs years ago. This comment was considered "over the line" - which is strange, since Republicans actually asked those questions when Bill Clinton said he "never inhaled.")

+ The Ohio Ethics Commission began an investigation of a mayor in suburban Cleveland, who offers to conduct wedding ceremonies for free. Randall Westfall's offer includes a suggestion that couples donate to his campaign fund - and that political disclaimer must be very hard to write on the wedding cake.

+ The Illinois Legislature is considering a bill making Chicago the first U.S. city to operate its own casino. This might confuse some tourists - to walk in and see signs promoting the "Daley Jackpot."

+ Madonna was named to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Is she really a "rock" singer, as opposed to pop music? To borrow from a Madonna song, this hall may have really pushed things over the Borderline....

+ Tabloid TV shows showed Britney Spears out on the town in Los Angeles at midnight - after she called out sick from a court deposition earlier in the day. As ditzy as Spears appears to be these days, an aide may have needed to remind her to eat for her health.

(Britney Spears went out after midnight with her nanny - and at one point left the nanny behind at a gas station. People already were wondering why Kevin Federline has custody of Spears's children. Now we see why - the nanny doesn't get enough sleep.)

+ Former Senator George Mitchell released a 300-page report on the use of drugs in major league baseball. Yet he suggested NO players be punished for using steroids and human growth hormone. These Democrats always seem to return to their roots....

(George Mitchell's report claims pitcher Roger Clemens took steroid injections several years ago. Clemens responded by denying the claim, and calling it slanderous. Mitchell had better be careful not to walk past any bullpens during spring training.)

+ Reports from Virginia indicated Michael Vick wrote a federal judge before his sentencing, asking for mercy and a "second chance." Perhaps he doesn't realize the judicial system is more like basketball than football - it's "one and done," not "three and out."

(What does it say about our times when the Atlanta Falcons seem more likely to give Michael Vick a second chance, than former coach Bobby Petrino?)

SCHEDULED THIS WEEKEND: A "comeback of the year" which could top what Carver's football team did last week....

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1890 (+ 62, 3.4%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

for 13 DEC 07: THE SILENT STARLING

We're now up to Chapter 4 of this "REVELATION" the Sunday Ledger-Enquirer started. We hope all parties realize the Biblical limit for chapters is 22....

The latest surprise in the Zachary Allen "cocaine crash" case came Wednesday from the Columbus Deputy Fire Chief. David Starling admitted to the Ledger-Enquirer he decided NOT to include Zachary Allen's positive drug test in a report on last fall's three-car collision. Today's young generation only has time for the headlines, after all.

David Starling said no one was told about Zachary's positive cocaine test because "we didn't want it to get out." And for more than a year, it didn't. But the fire department didn't borrow the CIA's example, and destroy the evidence.

This raises a rather obvious question. Why didn't David Starling want the drug test on Zachary Allen to become public knowledge? Was it because Allen's dad is a Columbus Councilor? Was it a matter of the fire department trying to protect its reputation? Or was it the realization that yet another public safety opening would have to be filled?

Columbus Fire Chief Jeff Meyer explained the positive drug test was considered a matter of "medical privacy." [True/WLTZ] So which local doctor is issuing prescriptions for cocaine? If it's mixed with a headache powder, does that make it legal?

Meanwhile, Mayor Jim Wetherington announced the police chief will conduct an internal investigation of the Zachary Allen "cocaine crash" test. Ricky Boren has plenty of time to do this, of course - because he passes on all investigations of police officers to the G.B.I. now.

The police probe probably will confirm Mayor Wetherington's statement at Columbus Council that "mistakes were made." We'll see if it determines exactly who made the mistakes and when. And we'll see if Chief Ricky Boren follows the lead of City Manager Isaiah Hugley, and presents it all in a handy flow chart.

The November 2006 crash involving Zachary Allen's city vehicle happened while Bob Poydasheff was in his final weeks as mayor. Poydasheff told WXTX "News at Ten" he does NOT recall being told about the crash, much less the test for cocaine. Unless someone slipped an extra piece of paper in one of his moving boxes....

Perhaps the most surprising interview yet in this case appeared on WLTZ Wednesday night. It was with the Ledger-Enquirer's Executive Editor, who explained why he's giving the case so much front-page coverage. The answer to this should be clear - the Carver High School football team isn't shooting off its mouths about this weekend's finals.

Executive Editor Ben Holden said he is NOT on a vendetta against Zachary Allen, or his Columbus Councilor dad. He claimed newspapers are "too busy" to have vendettas. Holden must not have read the New York Times, when it had all those front-page stories about the Masters golf tournament.

Ben Holden went on to say the Zachary Allen case is an "organically important story." Huh?! I've heard people compare newspaper stories to (ahem) fertilizer, but this must be very different....

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION was updated Wednesday night, and now asks if you agree with what Columbus NAACP President Bill Madison said the other day. Should Columbus fire officials lose their jobs, for what's happened with the Zachary Allen crash? Is the newspaper blowing things up beyond proportion? And should Allen be ordered to appear on Steve Wilkos's talk show, to face screaming insults for 30 minutes?

The last Big Blog Question ended with a 6-1 NO vote. You say the staff of a Box Springs junkyard should NOT be charged for shooting a would-be burglar. One person commented: "Life is simpler in the country. Remember that when traveling east from Columbus." If you drive behind a farm tractor, you're bound to learn that lesson.

But someone else sent us e-mail while the Question was in progress:

Looks like the Box Springs Junkyard shooter ,got his Talbot BOC buddys to by the DA a broom to sweep this under the rug. Still very hus hus??

I'm not so sure the Talbot County District Attorney is sweeping anything under the rug. If it's the same man as the Muscogee County District Attorney, it simply takes him about a year to decide whether some cases are worth prosecuting....

Now for other public cases which were aired on Wednesday:

+ Phenix City police arrested a 71-year-old man on bank robbery charges. Police told WRBL the man robbed a Wachovia branch on U.S. 280, then sat down inside the bank and waited for officers to show up. Apparently he needs warm housing for the winter more than the bank's money.

+ Fort Benning officers announced the base realignment plans are now final. A "letter of decision" has been made public. For many male soldiers, this phrase refers to a love letter from their girlfriends back home....

(Officers said the first wave of soldiers from Fort Knox, Kentucky should reach Fort Benning in 2010, with the rest arriving in 2011. We hope the jewelry stores which take gold trade-ins can hold out that long.)

+ A new mayor took office in Macon, replacing the controversial Jack Ellis. Ellis claimed he planned to take a trip to the Caribbean - but some residents are wishing he'd travel all the way to Venezuela, and ask his buddy Hugo Chavez for asylum.

+ Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank admitted he felt "betrayed" by former coach Bobby Petrino's sudden move to Arkansas. At least Michael Vick waited until the off-season before he was indicted....

(Emmitt Thomas will serve as the Falcons's coach for the remained of the season. Thomas played on a Super Bowl-winning team in Kansas City years ago - back when the only person who ran his mouth was head coach Hank Stram.)

THE BLOG OF AMERICA: Our best wishes to "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek, who's recovering from a mild heart attack. We're thankful he hasn't had a second attack - because those Daily Doubles can be especially dangerous.

+ Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee talked about a rival's religion. He asked the New York Times Magazine if Mitt Romney's Latter-Day Saints church believes "Jesus and the devil are brothers." If Satan would repent of his centuries of sins, some Baptists might begin to think that way.

(NBC News reported when Mike Huckabee was governor of Arkansas, he was allowed to eat at Wendy's for half-price. Imagine the deal Bill Clinton could have struck with a Little Rock McDonald's.)

+ The average U.S. cholesterol level dropped to 199, which is the lowest number in 50 years. So it must be all the low-far doughnuts which are making us obese....

+ The Jewish festival of Hanukkah ended Wednesday. A New York grocery tried to gain customers during the eight-day event by selling hams -- to Jews. The owners should have offered turkeys. But instead, they proved THEY really are.

+ A man waiting in line at the Nuremberg, Germany airport drank a liter of vodka, so he wouldn't have to surrender the bottle to security guards. Some passengers will do anything to get a wheelchair and a skycap to help them.

+ Paris Hilton told reporters in Berlin she's looking for "a nice boy.... funny, smart and loyal." As in nice, smart and loyal enough not to videotape her acting strange in a bedroom....

+ A Michigan organization announced the winner of its annual "wacky warning label" contest. This one is on a small tractor and says, "Danger: Avoid Death." I can think of some freeways in Atlanta which could use that label, too.

+ Tiger Woods was named the P.G.A. Tour's player of the year by fellow golfers. Steve Strecker was voted "Comeback Player of the Year" - for the second year in a row. I've heard of golfers forgetting bad rounds, but forgetting each other?!?!

SCHEDULED FRIDAY: This blog marks a milestone (if you haven't already figured that out)....

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 1828 (+ 68, 3.9%)

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.