12 SEP 05: SPAM-A-LITTLE

While you're currently at my main blog, I actually have a second one -- a signpost of sorts, to guide visitors to various projects I have online. It also prevents that other Richard Burkard in England from cashing in on my (ahem) celebrity coattails....

That directional blog was set up a few months back, but recently something was added which gained my attention. Someone had left a note in the "comments" section. Could it be someone who likes my music -- or maybe someone who lost their way while doing geneology?

I called up the comment, and wound up annoyed. Someone had left me a lengthy tip about a low-priced stock which was sure to grow. You might call this a "penny stock" for your thoughts....

If this stock tip had landed in my InBox, I would have deleted it right away as spam. Yet it showed up as a blog comment -- and that seems to be the next wave in spamming: leaving scattered sales pitches as comments. It's hard to believe after ten years, e-mail is going out of style.

One local blogger received a "spam comment" awhile back, offering a web site on car loans in Portland, Oregon. This was strange considering the blogger not only lives in Columbus, but never has mentioned Portland in her blog. If the Portland Tourism Board did this, I might understand....

The spammed comment was absurd in another way - because it said: "You have a great site, bookmark!" Bookmark?!? This spammer is so far out on the fringe, he's using a Netscape browser.

These spam comments must be added in a computerized way -- because I can't imagine someone sitting at a keyboard and adding them by hand all day long. But then again, I have trouble understanding why many people sit at an assembly line and tighten things with wrenches all day long.

If it's quickly spotted, the spam comments can be deleted with little harm. But if they're not, they can be as annoying as a pop-up ad. I mean, who wants to argue about the blame for New Orleans with someone who only wants to talk about cut-rate Viagra?

A friend of mine gave up on a blogging project back in May, and a spam comment has sat inside her blog for weeks. It's like the growth of weeds outside an abandoned building -- and like a closed restaurant site I noticed on Wynnton Road Sunday, it can take a long time to level them out of existence.

The company which hosts this blog is trying to, well, weed away the spam. It's now offering "word verification" -- where you have to type in a random display of letters or numbers before your comment appears. Before long, civil rights leaders will complain this discriminates against illiterate people.

As this spam comment wave develops, I wind up looking like a genius having NO comment boxes here. Your e-mails are always welcome - and be thankful I give you that option. Some church blogs offer no way to reply at all. But then again, you can't talk back to "the truth," can you?

E-MAIL UPDATE: It's not spam, but it's certainly eyebrow-raising to read - the latest round in a blog battle between Craig and Deborah, with this message edited slightly for content:

Hey Richard,

Well, I guess you need to change your Blog! The BWAOA has determined that your "G-rated" Blog has become an inexorible vehicle for your allegations as to your sexual (oh, h**l, can I say that?) deviation! [6 Sep] Also, you might want to seek assistance for the serious mental health problems that are manifest in you since you continue to make ubiquitous statements relating to a "suggested", ersatz condition now known as A.V.!

Gotta go now. I have to get up early and make a speech at an NAACP meeting in Mississippi, er, uh, maybe it's Tennessee. D**n, I'm confused! I'm mad now, I think.........But, when I get back from Kentucky (or is it South Carolina?), maybe it'll be time to call TalkLine! Oops, that would be hard to do, since I have never called a radio talk show before!

Hint: You might want to consider changing back to LaughLine - it seems some people take things too seriously!!!!

TFPIC,

Craig

PS. Hey Robbie Watson!

C

Change my blog, Craig? To WHAT exactly?? "The Joy of Stopping with a Good-Night Kiss"?!?

This e-mail confuses me on a couple of levels. I admit I'm not hip to all the text-message shorthand - so what's a "BWAOA?" Is it one of those words Gilda Radner invented, imitating Barbara Walters?

(And TFPIC must mean - well, no. No one in his right mind would sign a message, "toothpick, Craig.")

So we've apparently determined Craig is NOT the "confused inarticulate one" who calls WRCG all the time. No, this man is very different - because he writes us.

Maybe if I put "LaughLine" as the title of this blog, more people would understand what we're about. But I sold the LaughLine.com name in an online auction three years ago -- and it sold for $7.50! [True!] After getting burst by the Internet
bubble, I'm avoiding home-buying at all costs.

BLOG UPDATE: It turns out the man at the front door selling fine china [9 Sep] wasn't a complete liar. Over the weekend I confirmed there IS a Sam in my apartment complex. Since he's never invited me over, I'm not really a member of Sam's Club.

But Sam didn't seem to know the man who wanted to sell him fine china at a quarter past midnight. After describing the salesman at my door, he said: "Unless he stole something...." HUH?!?!? This is an African-American man -- and he's profiling somebody?!

Instant Message to the reader of the "fine china" entry who asked if I'd give her something to eat, if she came to my door: Well, that depends. How annoying a salesperson are you?

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: The man who sold fine china was not the first late-night salesman we've faced at our door. Here's another one we noted in the LaughLine issue of 29 Aug 01:

As we finished Tuesday's LaughLine, we heard a voice outside the office window. We thought neighbors were having a late-night conversation -- until a woman KNOCKED on the window.

"I'm sorry, I thought you had the window open. I'm the neighbor who used to sell you stuff. I wondered if you wanted to buy some steaks."

We noted what time it was. "It's almost two in the morning, and you're selling steaks!?!"

"Yeah. The man just delivered them to me." And people wonder why online groceries are going out of business....

But seriously: the woman explained she brought the steaks to our window because "I figured you'd need them." At 2:00 in the morning?! If people in our neighborhood cooked steaks at that hour, the smell should have awakened us long ago....

The woman offered ten dollars for the steaks in her Piggly Wiggly grocery bag. She even offered to let us LOOK at them. (She didn't say how many there were.) We declined, saying if she came by at two in the AFTERNOON we might be more interested. Besides, can you REALLY tell how fresh a steak is by flashlight?

As far as we know, the woman did NOT come back during the day Tuesday to offer us the steaks again. We're not sure if she sold them to somebody else - or realized in her desperation that she actually could EAT them to make it through the day.

By the way, this woman DID sell us "stuff" before. Several months ago, she came to our door with a tube of toothpaste and a stick of deodorant! She explained she needed money to buy some "sweet meat." We presumed she meant barbecue - but after this latest case, we're not so sure anymore....

Now a quick wrap-up of news events from the weekend:

+ Columbus Police arrested John McQueen on charges of robbing a Wachovia bank branch on North Oakley Drive. Authorities say McQueen tried to disguise his identity by wearing fake dreadlocks, and speaking with a Jamaican accent. But he gave himself away, by denying he was a "jerk chicken" -- just a chicken.

+ LaGrange police staged an undercover prostitution operation, and arrested two men for pandering. Prostitution in LaGrange?! This seems hard to believe, especially in September - when high school football season means people there have some sort of entertainment.

+ WXTX crowned its second "Fox 54 Idol" at the Springer Opera House. Her name is Tymber Boswell - and if she makes it big, I suppose her male fans will be Tymber-Wolves.

+ Andrew Jones jacked his 48th home run of the year, to set an Atlanta franchise single-season record. Jones passes Hank Aaron -- so I think he's now entitled to his own Krispy Kreme doughnut shop.

SCHEDULED TUESDAY: One Columbus man vs. a string of golf courses....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

11 SEP 05: THE TOUGH GET GOING

Downtown Columbus was no place for wimps Saturday night. It was "Bikes on Broadway" night - and apparently that "In Motion X" thing with bicycles was kicked up a few horsepower from last September....

Broadway was filled with motorcycles between 10^th and 12^th Streets. Riders filled the sidewalk tables - so when I came upon them while jogging, I quickly added up the situation and jogged on to First Avenue. The risk of getting tripped, slugged or caught on metal spikes was too high.

(When I first came upon the motorcycles, I didn't know what was going on. Were bikers along the Gulf Coast staging a "Ride AWAY from the Beach?" Or is this what a poker run is going to become, with gas prices near three dollars a gallon?)

With all the motorcycles on Broadway, perhaps it was best that the Columbus Symphony Orchestra did NOT have a concert at the RiverCenter Saturday night. Some of those bikes can roar loud enough to drown out the most securely closed rooms....

But then again, the Phenix City Amphitheater had a Saturday night concert. I didn't notice any motorcyclists there, but "Rock 103" had a van along Dillingham Street. Many concertgoers probably were disappointed to find the staff was NOT giving away "John Boy and Billy" barbecue sauce.

Normally I wouldn't have come upon all those motorcycles -- but Saturday night was no ordinary night for me. I'm thrilled to report I jogged about 3.85 miles nonstop! The total might have been higher, but thankfully no one came out of the unlit sections of the course and tried to mug me.

The course for my longest run in several years began from home, and went north on the Riverwalk from Golden Park to the Trade Center. Along the way, the Mega Millions billboard at the Oglethorpe Bridge showed the jackpot is up to $200 million. Let's face it: hurricane survivors are in no mood to gamble right now.

A Columbus Police "mini-cruiser" followed me from the Trade Center to Ninth Street and Bay Avenue. Really now, officer - I don't run THAT fast, to violate speeding rules....

(By turning my way, the police officer missed a group of skateboarders only a few yards north on the Riverwalk. That statue of Christopher Columbus must be the most used artwork in town.)

I crossed the Dillingham Street Bridge, but had to go on to Broad Street and wait a few seconds for a traffic light. I jog in place and wait for the light to change - which I think puts me in a minority among Columbus residents: a responsible pedestrian.

A block back from Broad Street took me to the Phenix City Riverwalk, and I went the distance to 14^th Street. That includes the newly-dedicated section - and I didn't notice any plaques praising Sonny Coulter or Mayor Jeff Hardin for it.

The 14^th Street bridge required jogging with care, as it's not lit at all. A couple of people were sitting on the sidewalk and chatting, along where a street used to be. As dark as it was, maybe they were waiting for a parade - of drug dealers.

I turned left at the east end of the 14^th Street bridge, and jogged down the next section of the Columbus Riverwalk. There's talk of joining together the main walk downtown with the section which begins at TSYS. The less sweat falling near the River Club, the better....

At first I'd planned to turn around at the railroad bridge near 16^th Street - but then I decided to jog on, even though hardly anything was lit on the walkway north of there. I suppose I risked encountering criminals. But then again, they might have been more likely to be around the Bikes on Broadway, blending in.

No one was on the "TSYS Trek" part of the Riverwalk at all, and the winding path took me to First Avenue near 18^th. I turned around there, not wanting to linger - because sometimes beggars seem to smell my presence from a block away.

A round-trip on the TSYS Trek back to 14^th Street ended my wonderful non-stop run. I lost track of my distance, or I might have pressed on for a four-miler. The barbecue smell from Country's on Broadway wasn't noticeable at all, to distract me.

BLOG UPDATE: The Georgia Legislature gave final approval Saturday to a suspension of fuel taxes for 30 days. Let's all mark our calendars now for September 29 and 30 -- the days to avoid gas stations, as people rush to fill their tanks again before taxes come back.

Spot gas shortages remain, even with the fuel tax suspension. I walked to Spectrum on Fourth Street for breakfast Saturday morning, and almost all the pumps were dry. Maybe all the Alabama drivers couldn't believe that posted price of $2.88 a gallon.

OVERHEARD OVER HERE: Two men were talking at church this weekend, about the post-hurricane unrest in New Orleans:

"The stealing of alcohol -- I don't mind that, because if they don't have food, at least they have something to sustain themselves."

"Yeah, but in that hot heat? It might kill them...."

"I wouldn't mind that, either."

By the way, it was strange NOT to hear Louisiana State's football game on WWL from New Orleans Saturday night. The station is presenting non-stop disaster coverage until further notice -- and if the Saints don't play any home games, that might last until January.

Now for more peaceful items from the last few days....

+ My pastor spoke at church about "the rule of decay" - and spent a significant amount of time talking about the life of Brigette Bardot, the "sex kitten" with the "pouty lips." Presumably his wife in the audience didn't mind this....

+ The Junior League held its annual Attic Sale at the Columbus Civic Center. Members decided to donate leftover clothing to hurricane survivors in Mobile. So does this mean the people at the Benning Park shelter don't need any clothes? Then why are churches still giving them some?

+ Wynnton Elementary School held a weekend open house for the general public. Some people stopped to examine the school's 160 years of history -- probably more people than the ones who wanted to check the "adequate yearly progress" report.

+ The Columbus RiverCenter announced its new marketing director is Darlene Hughes Kittrell, who leaves WRBL after 15 years. We're glad to see she's finally joined a top-ranking organization.

+ Back at WRBL, Candace Cook revealed during the Saturday night news she spent a year as a college mascot. We can understand why Cook didn't make a career of this. She has too many good hair days, to risk ruining them in a hot suit.

+ Instant Message to the business with a sign along Veterans Parkway reading: "Fresh Vegetables Butcher Shop." Isn't this taking the vegetarian craze a bit too far? I mean, how tough are these vegetables you're chopping?

SCHEDULED MONDAY: Updates on the latest man to sell things at my door.... and the latest exchange of words around these parts.... along with that LaughLine Flashback we promised you (we're having trouble finding what we want)....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

9 SEP 05: MOONLIGHT MADNESS SALE

"Do you know Sam?" asked the man who knocked on my front door. "He lives over there." No, I didn't know the Sam who lives a few apartments down from me. If this was the show "My Kind of Town," I'd let down the entire audience.

But this was a strange time for a "know your neighbors" quiz - or for anyone to knock on my front door. This man showed up at 12:15 a.m. Thursday, as I prepared to post the day's blog entry. In fact, it was already too late for him to send Sam an Instant Message.

The light wasn't on at Sam's apartment, but mine was - so I guess that's why the man knocked on my door. He said he worked with Sam, and apparently came by to offer him something. That's the chance you take, showing up after David Letterman's Top Ten list....

The man talked in a quick slurring voice about giving something to Sam, then decided for some reason to offer it to me. At 12:15 in the morning, he wanted to sell me "fine china." This would be an appropriate time, if we were IN China - as it was 12:15 p.m. in Beijing.

This traveling salesman didn't simply have a catalog of his china collection. He carried his collection -- in a giant green trash bag. You'd think "fine china" would be kept in a much finer way....

"You can have it for 20 dollars," the man said -- thus threatening to drive Macy's into bankruptcy.

"Well, I don't really need any...."

"Look at it! Look!" The man reached into his trash bag to pull out some fine china - before I could tell him I don't normally buy such things from door-to-door salesmen, especially around midnight.

"But I don't have any room for it." My kitchen cabinets are full, and my "china" consists of Corelle Livingware plates taken from my mother's house when she died. That's tiding me over until my wedding day - almost 22 years and counting....

"I'll sell it for ten dollars," the man at the door continued. If I can get big price cuts this easily, I need to visit a new car lot this weekend.

"Take a look at it," the man said - and pulled out a giant colored dessert glass. Aha! The dictionary defines "china" as porcelain or earthenware. There's a reason why this guy isn't selling at Columbus Park Crossing.

(By the way, since someone asked me about this Thursday - no, that giant dessert glass did NOT come from my kitchen. The back door WAS locked.)

"I've got champagne glasses, too," the man said. I was starting to wonder if he'd already used the beer steins himself....

"But I don't need any of this," I repeated through the screen door.

"I'll let you have it for five dollars. Come on." Maybe that explained why the "fine china" was in a green trash bag - it was thrown out by somebody, for being a year out of season.

"I don't want any, sir," I said quietly to the man. Some people in Columbus would have called police on the guy by now - but a good humor blogger knows a gold mine when he sees one.

"C'mon, give me five dollars. I'm hungry," the man finally admitted. He apparently was out of money on Wednesday night, and payday wasn't until Friday. They're called one-skillet dinners, friends - and for single guys, they can last several days.

Finally the man had said something which attracted my interest. "I'm going to get you something to eat," I said, and rounded up a long pack of snack crackers and an apple. I assume he wanted a late-night snack - because it would have taken too long to heat my can of Spaghetti-O's.

(Now, now - that can was given to me by a church member, who receives all sorts of free food gifts from his mother. Heat those things at a hot enough temperature, and any stale taste can disappear.)

"Where do you work?" I asked the salesman/beggar.

"I'm a painter. I work for a man named Woody," he said pointing up the avenue. I guess I was supposed to know who Woody is - but I was stumped there as well. At least Judge Bobby Peters and the Urban League have well-marked houses.

"Why didn't your money last until Friday?"

"I only worked a couple of days last week, because of the weather." The rain from Hurricane Katrina hurt -- but at least he didn't have to drive to work, and pay sky-high gas prices.

As I handed the visitor the crackers and apple, I said: "Could you do me a favor?"

"What's that?"

"When you get paid on Friday, will you go help the hurricane evacuees at Benning Park?" We should extend the giving spirit as far as possible - unless this was one of those people who prefers to raid flooded stores and get glassware.

(Come to think of it, might this man take his giant trash bag full of "fine china" to the hurricane shelter? If he did, would police make him pay a fine FINE?)

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Believe it or not, other salespeople have visited us in Columbus after midnight. We'll share another curious example in a LaughLine flashback this weekend.)

Now other short shots from a busy Thursday:

+ Fuel spilled from an old Texaco storage facility on Miller Road into a creek. The Columbus Riverkeeper was called to the scene - which is strange, because you'd think he would delegate this to a Creek-keeper.

+ The Alabama mother of Natalee Holloway told "Inside Edition" judges in Aruba used the attention on Hurricane Katrina as a cover, to set free three prime suspects. But these guys were let out of jail before - so what was the cover back then, Karl Rove?

(Inside Edition actually billed this meeting with Beth Holloway Twitty as her "first interview since Hurricane Katrina." As if there's somehow a connection?! I mean, if Joran Van Der Sloot had persuaded Katrina to visit Carlos and Charlie's bar, we'd all be better for it....)

+ Troup County trampled Spencer in high school football 43-7. Spencer now has lost 26 games in a row - and it's becoming so bad, Spencer Gifts won't even sponsor them.

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

8 SEP 05: FAIR TO PARTLY CLOUDY

When is a fair not a fair, then a fair again? When it's at South Commons. The "Greater Columbus Fair" is returning in three weeks - after being called "The Festival at South Commons" for two years. Even the Columbus Wardogs lasted longer there than that name....

Columbus Civic Center manager Dale Hester explained Wednesday so many people kept calling it a fair, the old name was brought back to avoid confusion. So far, Fort Benning hasn't applied this logic to the School of the Americas.

The Columbus Civic Center is trying to make this year's fair spiffier than ever. For one thing, the schedule includes a rodeo. Any steer ridden for eight seconds becomes a candidate for the Exchange Club's foot-long hot dog trailer.

The Columbus International Festival has been moved from early August to October 1, so it also occurs during the fair. Dale Hester says this will prove it's truly a "Greater Columbus Fair." Instead of - well, what? The Teens and Rednecks Fair?

(Hey, wait a minute! Shouldn't the International Festival change ITS name as well? It would be -- well, you know -- only Fair.)

There's one potential disappointment in moving the date of the International Festival. You'll apparently have to buy a fair ticket, to attend an event that's always been free in the past. But then again, those Polynesian guys who throw around fire sticks need to pay for life insurance.

The Columbus Civic Center did NOT place the postponed Montgomery Gentry concert inside the fair. Now if it was Randy Travis or Ronnie Milsap, things might be different....

Perhaps the biggest disappointment for fair fans is this: the length of this year's event has been cut from 11 to six days, beginning September 27. It looks like city budget cuts have struck the fair - but if they have a dunk tank with Columbus Councilors, that could make up for it.

(This should teach some of you negative voters. It turns out last year's one-cent sales tax proposal was a "fair tax," after all.)

How far do you think this cutting back of the Greater Columbus Fair will go? One shudders at the thought....

+ Of funnel cakes reduced to the size of an oilspout.

+ Of grand-prize stuffed dolls which are NOT big enough to fill the back seat of a car.

+ Of "thrill rides" consisting of cardboard boxes sliding down the hill to the Riverwalk.

CLASSIC BLOG: This blog was first with word of the Greater Columbus Fair becoming a "festival" two years ago. This is from our entry of 29 Jul 03:

But to our topic: a competing local blog claims we are now at the start of "fair season." Maybe in some places, but not Columbus. We confirmed Monday the "Greater Columbus Fair" no longer exists! It's gone the way of that annual Ma Rainey blues festival -- which only lasted about one year.

Billboards for the Columbus Civic Center are promoting "The Festival at South Commons" in late September and early October. A spokeswoman for the Civic Center confirmed to me that's the new name of the Greater Columbus Fair. So for fair fans, the new rule apparently is B.Y.O.B. - Bring Your Own Blue-Ribbon.

Why drop the "fair" name for The Festival at South Commons? The Civic Center spokeswoman explained it several ways. For one thing: "It's not a fairground." So? When was the last time the Springer Opera House actually had an opera?

The woman also explained there's no "horticulture or agriculture" at the South Commons event, which would make it a fair. Apparently that petting zoo the last couple of years wasn't as popular as I thought.

(No horticulture at the Fair? All they'd have to do is invite florists to bring a few displays....)

C'mon now -- who says you have to have agriculture to hold a fair? Those farm animals in auction barns simply make things smell funny....

The Festival at South Commons is a matter of "rebranding" the fair for changing times, the Civic Center spokeswoman told me. Well, at least this new name is understandable. I wonder how many visitors stop and scratch their heads when they see a "TSYS."

E-MAIL UPDATE: In the wake of Wednesday's comment about local law officers serving in the hurricane damage zone, your blog learns the President of the Columbus Fraternal Order of Police is on the scene:

Richard,

My husband, Randy Robertson, is one of the sheriff deputies that went to assist with the search and rescue efforts from Hurricane Katrina. He left early Saturday morning, and hopefully will be home within a week, when another group of deputies from Columbus go to relieve the group he is with. Several Columbus Firefighters were also sent with these deputies. I have talked to Randy once, and he said that all of their group is doing fine, and they've gotten a lot accomplished in the short time they have been there. Please pray for these deputies and firefighters to remain safe and have a safe return home. Thanks.

Christy

I'm sure many will join in doing that, Christy. And remember, Columbus drivers - when you see those billboards asking why police officers are leaving, sometimes it's actually a good and noble thing.

Another familiar Columbus name has had anxious days, in the wake of the hurricane. The younger brother of WRBL's Blaine Stewart was missing, but he and his family now have been found, safe and sound. They fled to a little town along the Louisiana-Mississippi line -- where they may have lacked phone service, even before the storm.

Did you hear what Shaw High School students did for hurricane survivors? They held an in-school "telethon" Wednesday, and raised more than $6,000. When I was in high school, all you needed for special attention on the P-A system was a five-dollar bill.

(The Shaw High School telethon even featured a tote board. But sad to say, I didn't see any students putting on Chris Sweigart's giant pink hat.)

Meanwhile, Tropical Storm Ophelia is spinning off Florida's east coast. Forecasters warn it could become a hurricane this weekend - so c'mon, Governor Perdue! Send all the fire trucks to Brunswick now, like some expect you to do. That way, they'll get blown over with everything else.

Now for final thoughts from a wonderful Wednesday:

+ Georgia state officials unveiled their "Gas Gouger" web site, to report excessive prices at the pump. But it leads you to a form that YOU have to print out, fill out, then fax to Atlanta! Who suggested this approach, Georgia-Pacific paper?

+ The Georgia Public Service Commission began public hearings in Columbus, on a proposed natural gas rate increase. I think you can safely say the company asking for this is developing an "Atmos-Fear."

+ The late local news showed home video of a young man being forcefully arrested in Lanett, after a "Christian heavy metal" concert. So what's the problem with this? Police brought THEIR heavy metal - called handcuffs.

+ Phenix City officials dedicated a new section of their Riverwalk, stretching from 13^th to 14^th Street. As someone who's jogged on that new section throughout the summer, I can tell you this city has a BIG problem with response times.

COMING FRIDAY: The man selling fine china door-to-door.... at midnight....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

7 SEP 05: A TAX CUT THEY DON'T LIKE

People still are reporting cases of price gouging at area gas stations. So here's my question: why don't thousands of college students make similar calls when their tuition goes up?

One man told me Tuesday he just returned from Pensacola, Florida - and while many stations were out of fuel, the stations who had diesel were selling it for $2.59 a gallon. But I'm not sure this means Columbus stations are price gouging. It could mean few people along the Gulf Coast can afford BMW's.

Tuesday's AAA gas price report actually showed Columbus with the second-lowest average gas price in Georgia. Only Albany is lower - and stations there can charge a little less, because they're already selling all those deer stands for hunting season.

The Georgia General Assembly began a special session Tuesday, to approve the fuel tax suspended ordered by Governor Perdue. This issue is considered so important, GPB isn't even driving reporters around Atlanta to do "Lawmakers" shows.

Georgia law requires five days for the legislature to pass the two bills suspended fuel taxes for a month. I'm not sure why the state has this rule. Maybe it gives fair time for lobbyists from big oil companies to fly to Atlanta, and twist arms against it.

Republican leaders of the General Assembly are encouraging lawmakers to spend time during the special session at hurricane shelters. After all, you know Democrats will be there - getting upset people to move to Georgia and register to vote.

Despite all this, Alabama's Governor is in no mood to cut his state's fuel taxes. Bob Riley must have been in Washington a few years ago, when all those "Thank you, Alabama!" ads appeared on TV....

Governor Bob Riley at first explained he'd have to call the legislature back into session to approve a suspension of fuel taxes. So? Georgia's legislature had to be called back -- and some of the lawmakers from Mobile might not mind escaping the damage to spend a week in Montgomery.

Auburn House member Mike Hubbard tried to explain Governor Riley's decision further Tuesday. He said Georgia's fuel tax increases as the price of gas or diesel increases, while Alabama's fuel tax does not. How strange is this - Republicans supporting a flat tax instead of a tax cut?!

Mike Hubbard added Alabama fuel taxes pay for roads - and there are plenty of road repairs to make along the Gulf Coast. Are we sure some of those repairs are necessary? After two big hurricanes in 12 months, can't we simply require everyone in Gulf Shores to drive sand buggies?

So for now, there's really no good reason for drivers in the Columbus area to buy gas in Phenix City, Eufaula or Valley. Cross the bridge, save some money - and be thankful no one's dared to propose making them toll bridges.

BLOG UPDATE: Officials provided an answer Tuesday for why the old Phenix Regional Hospital isn't being used as a hurricane shelter. They said the building needs work before people can stay there. How many rats and cockroaches have to be killed?

(The explanation about the building came from Russell County's Emergency Management Director, Chance Corbett. When it comes to emergencies, would YOU feel comfortable leaving things like that to Chance?)

It's been more than four years since Phenix Regional Hospital closed. You might consider that a long time - but remember the old Wal-Mart on the 280 Bypass. It can take years to find just the right furniture store.

By the way, a statement from Columbus city officials shows at least six Sheriff's officers are in the hurricane damage zone - along with one Columbus Police officer. We know the reason for this, don't we? That's the only officer with a big enough bank account to afford gasoline for the trip.

Meanwhile, Habitat for Humanity in Americus announced plans Tuesday to build 1,500 new homes along the Gulf Coast. With the number of hurricanes going up, skeptics would call this an extremely large-scale form of bowling.

E-MAIL UPDATE: I'm not sure if this came from a blog reader or not - but it certainly came as a surprise:

Hi Richard

I just came across your details. We share the same name. Whilst I realise there are a number of Burkards about, you are the first I have come across with the same first name. Not that exciting but I though it worth an email.

Best regards

Richard Burkard

Cheshire

England

Well, well! There's finally an explanation for why I follow European soccer a little....

I don't recall any Burkards from England coming up in recent family reunions. In fact, the last one seemed more focused on whether we had spare tax refund checks hiding in state treasuries.

It turns out my family includes a cousin with the name Richard Burkard. He drove trucks for years in the Kansas City area, including at least one stint with my father's company. Yet my genetics must be weird - because I'm still a bit scared of stick-shifts.

Now let's climb down from the family tree for other notes from a nice Tuesday:

+ Wal-Mart presented plans to Columbus Council for a SuperCenter on Gateway Drive in Midland. The company made sure the parking lot had at least 20 trees, to make local groups happy. Now if it will limit traffic to 20 cars an hour, it might make nearby residents happy.

(One person living near this proposed store told WRBL she's "frightened" by the thought of living in a city where Midland is considered suburban, and "the center is a ghost town." Hey, there's an idea! If Dothan, Alabama is the "Circle City," Columbus can be the "Doughnut City.")

+ Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff told WDAK radio's "Viewpoint" he plans to retire and do volunteer work "after my second term." I think that's a subtle clue he's accepting campaign donations....

+ Instant Message to WHAL radio: Yes, your announcer's right - "fewer commercials mean more music." But they also mean something else: last place in the ratings.

COMING SOON: A most curious discovery in the Columbus phone book....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

6 SEP 05: LAST OF THE SUMMER WINS

A group of local bloggers organized a trip to Golden Park Monday, for the final day of the Columbus baseball season. The event was arranged online in only the last few days. So much for assuming people who blog are always forward-thinking...

(You don't think these people read about my "Meet the Blogger Week," and decided to beat me to it?!?!)

I had other things to work on Monday, so I missed "Blogger's Day Out" at Golden Park. Those of you who went to the game may have recognized the bloggers -- getting their laptops checked at the gate.

In all, 1,088 people showed up Monday for Columbus Catfish "Fan Appreciation Day." And here's the strangest thing - a nice breeze was blowing, so the spectators didn't need any fans.

One of the Catfish executives told WDAK's Chad Goldberg the crowds at Golden Park this season were better than last year. I assume that means more people bought tickets - as opposed to fewer people getting arrested on Thirsty Thursdays.

Charleston beat Columbus 4-3 in ten innings Monday - which meant the Catfish ended the year with a nine-game losing streak. And the last eight of those games were at home! Were these players preoccupied, trying to rent their apartments to hurricane evacuees?

(Charleston's heading to the South Atlantic League playoffs - yet it used seven pitchers in Monday's win. I guess the River Dogs manager wanted to make sure all the hurlers had working arms.)

Monday's loss means Columbus finished in last place in the South Atlantic League Southern Division - in BOTH halves of the season. C'mon, Bobby Howard - don't you have some free time to coach this team from June to August?

Less than two weeks ago, the Columbus Catfish stood in second place in the Southern Division. Then came the nine-game losing streak - as if the team started watching Kansas City Royals tapes.

The wettest summer on record in Columbus affected the Catfish season. Three home games were canceled because of rain - yet the team didn't prepare for this, by having an umbrella giveaway night.

Reporters who follow the Catfish voted for several team awards. Brandon Carter was named "citizen of the year." Which means - well, what? Was he the only one who avoided getting a speeding ticket?

(What did the Citizen of the Year award earn Brandon Carter? He didn't enter Monday's final game until the bottom of the tenth inning, as a pinch runner. I'd think baseball fans would want to see good citizens - unless they refuse to sign autographs.)

Then there was first baseman Dan Batz, who was named the Catfish "unsung hero." He probably also won the prize for "best baseball name."

It would appear the future of the Columbus Catfish is bright. Team officials say they're trying to work out a new multi-year deal with the city to play at Golden Park. Of course, given what happened during the final home stand, that may not be a good thing....

BLOG UPDATE: Dozens of hurricane survivors moved into The Ralston Monday. The downtown apartment complex brought them to Columbus from Gulfport, Mississippi. Since the staff didn't use METRA buses, this may end those rumors about a big bus surplus.

Several people are asking why the old Phenix City Hospital isn't being opened as a hurricane shelter. I can think of only one good reason for this - and I hope Probate Judge Al Howard enjoys all that roomy office space.

A little restlessness is developing at the main Columbus hurricane shelter - but not from the storm survivors. Police were called Sunday night when a group tried to deliver food, and the Red Cross wouldn't accept it. Please don't take brownies -- they cause too much suspicion.

Did you hear the reports of someone breaking into cars and suitcases of hurricane survivors at the Super 8 Motel? I hope police catch whoever did this - and remind that person we're in Columbus, not New Orleans....

As if there isn't enough finger-pointing underway from Hurricane Katrina, Jerry Laquire turned on the American Red Cross Monday night. He told viewers to WCGT's "Final Edition" the agency hasn't provided anything but "ditty bags" of supplies. Doesn't a little ditty matter, when you leave home with none?

I take it Jerry Laquire hasn't stopped by the Benning Park SuperCenter, because American Red Cross staff members are all over the place helping hurricane survivors. He must think all that red is from graduates of Hardaway High School.

BLOG CORRECTION: It turns out O'Kassions bridal salon on River Road is NOT donating evening gowns and formal dresses directly to hurricane survivors [4 Sep]. It's taking donations of those outfits, then reselling them and giving the money to charity. So this is an upper-crust version of Goodwill Industries....

E-MAIL UPDATE: I'm out of my closet. Now the writer of the "Alleged Virgin" e-mail from last week emerges from hers:

Dear Richard,

Re. your emailer and your response [4 Sep], may i state that i did not think i needed to sign my name as my name is my email address ... but if i had it would have clarified that i certainly will own up to my letter, ( i was surprised when my letter did not have my name on it in your Blog, sorry didn't think about it).

BTW, the following emails from Craig, your response and my original email with your "Ode to Virginity" are once again your topic ... for those who do not care to read the rest of this email (in case you put it all in the Blog), my name is Deborah Owens ... and i still find a discussion of YOUR Alleged Virginity ????? to be an unusual baiting of a sexual subject in a "G" rated Blog.

BTW, if you are a virgin, I think many people may associate that announcement with (deviance/mental health?) issues as normal hormonal activity creates undeniable drives with inevitable consequences, etc. ... and i am sure you do not want people to think you are deviant ... as you are a Christian, etc. Richard, you are an absolutely likeable guy with good ethics and the joke is funny ... but in text --- no one knows if it is a joke ... and with your concerns about females or the lack of them in your life one is left to wonder if it is true. If it is true I want you to get some therapy as you do not need to talk about it with the uncaring public!

Oh, is your emailer the caller on Robbie's show ... the confused inarticulate one who is suffering from reverse-racism issues! He is the one who so lacks vocabulary that he calls everyone an "idiot" as if anything he has ever said is meaningful. He is needingly pandering to the white right and is a modern day uncle tom. He has no clue who he is as he has not had an authentic thought probably since he learned to be passive aggressive. He is so out of touch with his authentic self that he lacks normal reaction ... He is a sad waste.

Deborah Owens (PS thx for the spell ck)

Am I reading this correctly? If I'm a virgin at age 47 (and it's no joke, I am), I might have a mental health problem?! For once, I think I'm standing on the side of Catholic priests here....

As for getting therapy for my, uh, "condition" - I'll defer to what Brian Williams of NBC News said a couple of weeks ago: "I don't need a therapist. I have my blog."

No, I don't believe Craig the e-mailer is "the confused inarticulate one" who calls WRCG's TalkLine all the.... hey, wait a minute. Do you mean there's only ONE of those callers?!

Now other leftovers from the Labor Day Weekend....

+ Which local blogger just revealed her lover talked about marrying her someday - as they lay together in bed? Some young adults need to read romance novels, about the proper way to propose.

+ The annual Muscular Dystrophy Telethon on WRBL raised around $200,000. News team members went to any length to gain donations - including reporter Chris Sweigart wearing a giant pink hat. It looks like he's ready to cover next year's "Atlanta Pride" weekend....

(This year's telethon was held inside the WRBL studio, instead of moving to a downtown hotel. Is the Muscular Dystrophy Association low on money? Or are all the hotels booked for other stations' holiday parties?)

+ For some unknown reason, my atomic clock displayed a November 24 date - as if Monday was Thanksgiving, instead of Labor Day. Maybe that's what went wrong at WYFK-FM, where the Bible Broadcasting Network President gave a message for Memorial Day.

+ My older brother marked a birthday - and I simply couldn't resist. I called his home in Kansas and asked: "Could I speak to number 56, please?" At least I didn't call him OLD number 56....

SCHEDULED WEDNESDAY: Have I found my long-lost twin brother???....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

5 SEP 05: REST FROM MY LABOR

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: I'm resting on this Labor Day, and letting other people be funny. Here are items other people have sent my way in recent months. Have a safe and happy holiday!)

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.

AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.



IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.



IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.



IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.



IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.

AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.



IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...........they are called managers. [SmileandLaugh.com]

+++++

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."

So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. [Sandy Collins, Smiths Station]

+++++

A Baptist preacher was at a revival, and coming to a dramatic conclusion. "If I could, I'd take all the beer in town and throw it in the river! I'd gather up all the wine in town and throw it in the river!! Then I'd take all the whiskey in town, and throw THAT in the river!!!"

After the message was over, the worship leader stood up to lead a closing song. "Let's turn to page 365 - Shall We Gather at the River?" [Mike Richardson]

+++++

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey. [SmileandLaugh.com]

+++++

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees, who do banks have branches?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?"

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

How come we choose from just two people for President and 51 for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Or watch a white thing come out a chicken's rear and think, "that ought to taste good."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no human being would eat?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all the ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your b**t? [Sandy Collins]

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

4 SEP 05: WHO WANTS A BEATING NEXT?

You can probably guess what the number-one topic was this weekend at the church I attend. Well, I mean other than sin. Well, then again, many in my congregation might consider New Orleans a synonym for sin....

The man who gave the first sermonette message wound up talking tougher than my pastor. He said watching fires in New Orleans on TV reminded him of "Sodom and Gomorrah." Uh-oh - are we sure all the holy people in town evacuated?

The sermonette speaker encouraged us to pray for survivors of Hurricane Katrina - but he noted New Orleans has a reputation for witchcraft. If this city ever reopens for business, I predict voodoo dolls of President Bush will sell fast.

Would you dare to be a minister in New Orleans right now, the speaker asked - telling people they need to repent? Well, maybe - if you armor-plated my Bible and gave me a flak jacket first.

My pastor returned from vacation this weekend - a weekend he decided to spend with a daughter and son-in-law in Gulf Shores, Alabama. Based on what he told us about the approaching hurricane, he has three-and-a-half days of vacation time left over.

The pastor admitted there probably was bad disaster planning by the Department of Homeland Security. This was quite an admission, considering my pastor tends to have a noticeable Republican bias. It was he who encouraged us to "pray that George W. Bush wins the election" - in October 2000, during a service.

The pastor received confirmation from worshipers that President Bush had issued "shoot to kill" orders to restore calm to New Orleans - and he endorsed that approach. If Jesus had carried a handgun 2,000 years ago, everything could have been different....

"If they won't obey God's law, they have to face man's law," the pastor explained. He strongly opposes criminals being coddled" - yet he went on to give a sermon mentioning Moses was a murderer.

But my pastor seemed ready to move on from Hurricane Katrina. He said dozens of small earthquakes have occurred in recent weeks in a line from North Carolina to middle Georgia -- with one shaking a Forsyth church member in her waterbed. Any old bad dream can do that for me....

Did you realize, the pastor declared, the Chattahoochee River sits on an earthquake fault line? Hey, anything that will make kayaking downtown more interesting....

But the pastor went on to note the Chattahoochee River is considered the most stable river in the country. If that's true, when does Fort Benning plan to take the Phenix City riverbank off its "banned" list?

The pastor added what happened in New Orleans parallels a recent movie on the F/X cable channel called "Oil Storm." He said the only difference was that a Category 6 hurricane hit in the movie. I wasn't able to tell him afterward that's what made the movie fiction - because the Safford-Simpson scale only goes up to five.

Before the service, members of my congregation talked about the future of New Orleans. One man suggested if the city is rebuilt, homes should be on stilts so they reach sea level - or as some thugs in that city might call it: firewood.

This man sells insurance for a living, and he predicts homeowners' policies will increase slightly because of the damage from Hurricane Katrina. These insurance companies don't get it, do they?! They need to hike rates 50 percent right now, then wait for Georgia's Governor to intervene.

BLOG UPDATE: Speaking of which: gas prices went down across Columbus Saturday after Governor Sonny Perdue suspended state fuel taxes for all of September. But at least he was wise enough NOT to declare it a "driving holiday."

The two suspended fuel taxes amount to 11.5 cents per gallon -- yet some Columbus stations cut their prices 15 cents. Come to think of it, the summer discounts on fountain drinks are ending....

Yet some Columbus gas stations didn't drop their prices at all Saturday, and remained above three dollars a gallon. Either they didn't hear the announcement from Governor Perdue, or they're looking for hacksaws to damage that gasoline pipeline again.

Meanwhile, several Harris County sheriff's deputies arrived in Louisiana Saturday. They'll help restore order in the hurricane damage zone - and in a worst-case scenario, they can provide a safe escort for the ultimate New Orleans "jazz funeral."

The news has been filled with local people and groups trying to help hurricane survivors. Boy Scouts are helping, Seventh-Day Adventists are helping, grocery stores are.... well, is there anyone out there NOT helping? Please write me if you aren't - because maybe Kanje West can talk with you.

One of the most unusual relief efforts is at O' Kassions bridal shop on River Road. It's looking for donations of clean prom dresses and evening gowns, to give to hurricane survivors [True/WTVM]. I realize people need any clean clothing they can find - but an evening gown?! Won't looters assume you have money, and hold you up?

Then there's the man who announced he's filling a box truck with donated supplies in Thomaston, to drive to New Orleans. After hearing about this, I started wondering if this man is legitimate. If someone's selling cases of bottled water at a yard sale in Upson County, call detectives....

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now for something completely different! Last Wednesday's message declaring me an "A.V.: Alleged Virgin" brought this response:

Who is that masked emailer? Oh, I've got a guess - IDIOT maybe!!!

Craig

Now now, Craig - that should be ALLEGED idiot. As in A.I., as in artificial intelligence....

I know who wrote the "alleged virgin" e-mail. But that person did not formally sign it, so I'm leaving it anonymous. After all, that person might be a schoolteacher -- and did you notice how many times "alleged" was misspelled?

Now for real items of interest from the last couple of days....

+ A special meeting of judges and court reporters addressed the storage of evidence at the Government Center. One of the evidence rooms appeared so messy, some college students might have been living in it.

+ Georgia Tech snapped Auburn's 15-game football winning streak 23-14. Watch your Eufaula Tribune and Valley Times-News this week for a special edition, declaring Tech the new national champion.

+ Georgia impressed the skeptics in its opening game, by blasting Boise State 48-13. It truly was a case of men against Boise....

+ Lest we forget: Alabama's season began with a 26-7 win over Middle Tennessee State. After what's happened to gas prices, we appreciate anyone who can eliminate the Middle-men.

+ The Atlanta Falcons "Big Ticket" tour came to McClung Memorial Stadium, encouraging young people to play football and try cheerleading. Come to think of it, maybe Peerless Price can stay with the Falcons - and simply change careers.

+ Atlanta's baseball team beat Cincinnati 9-3, thanks in part to a Jeff Francoeur home run. Four fans went to the game dressed as hot dogs, and calling themselves "Francoeur's Franks!" [True/TBS] Are fans doing this same sort of thing in Cleveland, for Coco Crisp?

(I've heard of players "hot dogging" it on the field, but never fans doing it in the stands....)

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.92 a gallon at Marathon on University Avenue.... hot dogs for one dollar Monday at the northside Meineke Muffler, raising money for hurricane relief.... and send a stuffed frog to Oklahoma football fans, just to annoy them about the loss to Texas Christian....

COMING MONDAY: I'm taking a Labor Day blogging break, and letting other people write the jokes. If you have one to share, write me quickly....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

for 3 SEP 05: SING A SING STORE SONG

An East Alabama blogger (hey, yet another "B.P.") reported on this past week's gas price panic with the title, "Everybody Sing Along!" He actually wanted a SONG about record-high gas prices? After a moment, I came up with one -- to the show tune "Put On a Happy Face:"

Gas prices, they will jack up!
Hurry and find a space.
Prepay and fill your tank up;
Win the big fuel race.

Then spread rumors all over the place....
There's no gas, without a trace!

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

2 SEP 05: TOP-LEVEL ATTENTION

How about something uplifting, for a change of pace! A nationally-broadcast radio program is coming to Columbus this fall. Republicans will be disappointed to learn it's not any of the talk show hosts on WDAK....

The program that's coming to Columbus is "From the Top," a public radio show which features youngsters skilled in playing classical music. So far, they've resisted the urge to call this show "I Want to be GPB's Idol."

(Before some of you call this program elitist, remember one thing - the Columbus Civic Center had its own "back-to-school talent show" a couple of weeks ago. Ask Foxie-105 FM why it hasn't been broadcast yet.)

From the Top will record a program with young musicians at the RiverCenter October 24 - and it's taking applications from candidates right now on its web site. I assume they'll do something to screen out the guys who want to do the rock version of "Bohemian Rhapsody."

(From the Top will be in Birmingham two days before the stop in Columbus. For once, the cities will have something in common - besides traffic headaches on U.S. 280.)

Perhaps you're wondering where From the Top gained its name. That's a musical phrase for starting from the beginning of a piece. At least, I'm assuming that's where the name came from - because it would be silly doing this show on the RiverCenter's roof.

I've heard From the Top on public radio a few times, and the quality of the young classical musicians is impressive. And even more amazingly, there's no gruff British conductor counting all the wrong notes they play.

Meanwhile, other organizations also are searching for new musical talent. I've been contacted by Christian Music Presenters, which is holding auditions in Atlanta next weekend. I had to specify if I'm a "performer" or a "presenter." I guess a performer fakes some of his hallelujahs.

This organization asked me to fill out an "artist profile." But it was incredibly detailed, and I surrendered when it asked for "every song in my current repertoire." You want me to list EVERY song in a hymnal - and also track down the writer and publisher? How about what key it's in, too?

But the main reason I'm not going to Atlanta for this audition is the $75 fee I'd have to pay. I've paid for tryouts like this before and -- well, let's put it this way. I'm still waiting for Hollywood producers to contact me about my screen test from about 25 years ago.

E-MAIL UPDATE: First the good news: we have NO messages today about my virginity. They all focus on more urgent things - such as Hurricane Katrina:

Richie-boy,

First, it's Mekka Gates. Not Misha. [1 Sep] She's American, not Russian. Secondly, please inform your readers that Germany has pledged to help the US. And the reason we don't get more aid is because we don't ask for it. Frankly, we don't need any body's help. We can handle this disaster ourselves. Help is appreciated, but it's not necessary. Thank God America still has the might to stand on it's own. If you ask me, no matter what bad news we hear about our country politically, economically, socially,...this just goes to show the naysayers out there that America still is the greatest country, the most powerful country, and with the absence of a plea for help, either the most the humble or stubborn country in the world. And let's face it, sometimes stubbornness is a good thing.

AR

Thanks for the correction, AR - although I can hear some skeptics now, asking if "Mekka" really is a city of worship in Saudi Arabia.

I'll let your statement about Germany helping the U.S. stand as information enough. In fact, NBC News reported Thursday afternoon that Israel also has offered whatever expertise it can. Some soldiers with Uzis could help in downtown New Orleans....

But parts of AR's message are surprising, considering other comments he's sent here. "We don't need anybody's help" - isn't that what Democrats claim went wrong with the invasion of Iraq?

And I suppose there are times when stubbornness can be a good thing. Unless, perhaps, you decided not to leave your Gulf Coast home last Sunday.

All sorts of people are offering to help survivors of Hurricane Katrina. South Girard School students in Phenix City plan a fund-raising drive next week. An EMS unit from our area is heading to the coast. And don't be surprised if Habitat for Humanity winds up rebuilding half the homes in New Orleans.

But Mitzi Oxford with the Columbus Red Cross office noted Thursday some of the people who were evacuated from the Gulf Coast might wind up staying in our area for good. These newcomers may be in for a culture shock - such as when they find the biggest Mardi Gras party takes place inside a downtown church.

Next up: a reply from one of the sources we cited regarding Wednesday's gas panic....

The wholesale rationing (or allocations) is a fact. Primarily from the major chains to the independents who usually buy on the spot market. And some stations were trying to ratchet down demand by raising prices (along with raising profits, no doubt). For a lot of convenience stores, out of gas means they may as well shut the doors till they get more since gas drives the other sale items.So they would rather sell less gas but remain open to sell $1.20 cokes and stuff.

A rumor fueled (heh) run on the gas stations caused some stations to run out? Or low supplies at the independents caused some independents to run out while chains had adequate supply? Or a combination caused independent stations to run out "faster" than "expected"? The store that told [writer's father] that they were unsure of their supply and was trying to stretch out the gas was the day before the run. I didn't post till late afternoon the next day when the run was well underway and what I posted was true.

By the way the Governor of Georgians statement on WTVM's website probably didn't help with the rumor mill either. And was posted well before I did. "Today Governor Perdue reassured citizens that the fuel shortage facing Georgians is a short-term problem. He announced that Colonial Pipeline, the largest pipeline distributing fuel into Georgia, expects to be operational again by Labor Day weekend."

regards

chuck over at redneckin

Chuck's asking some serious economics questions here - and economics was my most troublesome subject in college. If only I'd settled for the "home" version....

It turns out selected stations ran out of gasoline across the Southeast, from North Carolina to Alabama. In Opelika, it was SO BAD that the Cowboys station on Pepperell Parkway could only serve real cowboys on horseback.

I waited until after the panic passed, and filled my gas tank Thursday. It feels good to say I only needed one fill-up in August - as long as my ego ignores the fact that a Monday fill-up would have saved me 55 cents a gallon.

I found a couple of Columbus locations still selling gas for $2.99 9/10 a gallon. That's the price I paid at the Dolly Madison bakery store on Victory Drive - where the pumps are so old, I'm not sure they can be set any higher. Being old-fashioned can be a good thing....

(The other Columbus station at $2.99 a gallon is the Citgo at 5^th and Veterans Parkway. Timing is everything here - because the Booker T. Washington apartments are across the street, and residents could cross the road at any time for handouts.)

Less than an hour after I filled up there (cash or check only, please), President Bush told the country on television to avoid getting gas unless they absolutely must. Based on the lines I saw in Columbus Wednesday afternoon, most of the city will be fine until next weekend....

In fact, Georgia Governor Perdue is urging people NOT to take Labor Day weekend trips, but stay at home with their families. You can tell this Governor is Republican, when he talks down a holiday promoted by labor unions.

Did you see what happened at the B.P. station at Manchester Expressway and Veterans Parkway? It started the day Thursday selling gas for $2.80 - but an hour later jumped to $3.09 because "everyone else" was at that price. That old "everybody's doing it" line doesn't work for teenagers....

And did you see the woman tell off a B.P. station employee on Buena Vista Road Thursday, for selling her gasoline for five dollars a gallon? Little Robinson admitted she's not sure why she stopped there Wednesday, but apparently was afraid the station would close. Charge that much for everything, and eventually it will.

Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff expressed outrage Thursday at reports of gasoline price gouging. He promised to go after price-spikers with all the powers of his office -- which I think means stations will get on Fort Benning's "banned" list.

Our last e-mail from Thursday comes from a Columbus radio personality:

Hey Richard it's Mike over at the Q. I was at the BP Station on the corner of Whitesville and Double Churches this morning (formerly known as the "SING STORE") and the cashier was telling me that they did over $29,000 in gas sales ALONE yesterday. Just thought I'd share. Happy blogging...

-Mike

Happy blogging, indeed! Be thankful computers aren't gas-powered....

Maybe that station should reclaim the name "Sing Store" - because enough drivers are singing the blues at the moment.

That $29,000 figure sounds astounding at first - but stop and do some math. Stations could make that much right now from only 300 SUV drivers filling their tanks....

What's the deal with all these Columbus B.P. stations, getting so much attention? Is someone from Spectrum tipping off local media, so that company can gobble up another couple of dozen stations?

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: President Bush's decision to tap into the Strategic Petroleum Reserve this week reminded us of five years ago, when he opposed such a move during a Presidential campaign. Did the draw-down help then? Here's how we reported on it in LaughLine, during the fall of 2000:

22 Sep 00: Albert Gore started the [gas price] debate, by calling for the release of some oil from the "Strategic Petroleum Reserve." We suspect this is a political stare-down - and Mr. Gore blinked. He was first to ask for a price cut, because his campaign budget is tight.

We learned watching "Nightline" Thursday night that the Strategic Petroleum Reserve contains 571 million barrels of oil. The Democrat wants to release five million barrels at a time -- which we computed as about 40 million gallons of gasoline.... Mr. Gore is SUCH an environmentalist. He'll only provide enough gas to fill our tank half-full.

George W. Bush was unimpressed by his opponent's petroleum proposal. He said the Strategic Petroleum Reserve was set up to guard against "sudden disruptions" of the oil supply. Hey, Mr. Bush! When gas prices jumped last spring, that WAS a sudden disruption - of our budget.

The Republican said only last winter, Albert Gore was AGAINST tapping into the Strategic Petroleum Reserve -- and now he's suddenly FOR it. Mr. Bush smells a political ploy. Of course, the voters will decide which candidate is guilty of inhaling too many gasoline fumes.

25 Sep 00: Many U.S. residents were sobered to learn over the weekend that they face a national oil emergency. President Clinton made the announcement in Washington - then promptly flew to California, for a series of hopscotch stops. How nice of our President to set an example, by reducing consumption.

Beginning today (Monday), President Clinton is releasing one million barrels of oil a day for 30 days from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. We're told the U.S. uses 20 million barrels every day - so we figure we're getting about three-tenths of a gallon per person per day. Please don't use that extra ten miles or so on one trip.

Republicans say the release of extra oil is merely a political ploy to buy your vote. Of course, an end to estate taxes and the "marriage penalty" would NOT be vote-buying, would it?!?!

(Besides, if the amount of available oil goes up five percent, and the price at the pump goes down five percent - is our vote worth about a dollar a fill-up? How cheap can these Democrats be?)

Albert Gore got what he wanted when the President tapped into the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. So why hasn't he converted his campaign vehicles to solar power?

26 Sep 00: The oil began flowing from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve Monday - as OPEC leaders met for a summit in Venezuela. Saudi Arabian officials called the release of oil an election-year stunt to help Al Gore. Uh oh - how can we vote for George W. Bush now? The Saudis are on his side!

True tales of our town: gas prices in our town dropped a couple of cents Monday, as the tapping of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve began. Too bad this is only for 30 days - if it lasts until December, we might get gas for FREE.

9 Oct 00: OIL EMERGENCY UPDATE: It turns out U.S. companies can send some of the released oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve OVERSEAS! There's no law against it! [True/ABC News] If we see video of oil barrels being unloaded in Saudi Arabia, we'll finally know there's a conspiracy.

The speculation is that oil companies may ship U.S. reserves to Europe, where gas prices are much higher. Perhaps in return, the Europeans can help US - with the high price of Jaguars and Porsches.

10 Oct 00: OIL EMERGENCY UPDATE: Bids were submitted for oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Now we learn two of the top bidders are ONE-man companies! Well, we suppose you COULD save money with a "make-your-own" gas station....

24 Oct 00: OIL EMERGENCY UPDATE: Today (Tuesday) is the final scheduled day of oil releases from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. We thank the President for doing this - because the Northeast has been mild enough that the heating oil probably was never needed.

After 30 days of petroleum reserve releases, our gas price has dropped about three cents a gallon. If the Democrats were trying to buy our votes, they paid us about two dollars. Next time, guys, maybe you should release some of the national beer reserve instead.

Even with the extra oil in the system, the Lundberg Survey shows gas prices have gone UP three cents a gallon in the last two weeks! Why? The tension in the Middle East has oil traders afraid there MIGHT be a cutback! Why didn't the President think of this - and ration everyone a gas can, too?

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

This is a special fund-raising day among bloggers, for hurricane relief efforts. If you can help survivors of Hurricane Katrina, give to a Columbus TV station's relief fund -- or contribute to this faith-based organization, which provides aid around the world. Thank you for any help you can offer!

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1 SEP 05: PANIC NEAR BENNING PARK

The "Georgia Peanut Tour" was in Columbus Wednesday, set up by the state peanut commission. Suffice to say, the timing of this visit wasn't very good. If they don't have a way to turn peanuts into gasoline, forget about it....

We'll get back to that tour, but we simply MUST start with perhaps the wildest rush hour Columbus has ever seen. Crowds of cars suddenly filled many gas stations Wednesday afternoon - almost as if teenagers had been told about a surprise return appearance by Hilary Duff.

3:30 p.m.: Your mild-mannered blogger takes a walk down Fourth Street for a convenience store snack. The sign at Spectrum shows regular unleaded gas for $2.85 a gallon. The "low price" has jumped 50 cents in 18 days. Why don't gas stations have "employee discount" sales?

As I walk by Spectrum, I'm amazed by how busy the pumps are. It's not officially "rush hour" yet - and it's far too early in the week to head for Auburn and start football tailgating.

Up the street at Money Back, the gas line doesn't look any busier than most afternoons. A man stands inside wearing a giant "wreath" made of things such as a Krystal hamburger box and what looks like a transistor radio. Hurricane evacuees from New Orleans sometimes give themselves away.

3:45 p.m.: Walking home with my convenience store snack, the line entering Spectrum seems even worse. Cars almost extend onto Fourth Street. A man gets out of a red car in line, then the driver hurries around the building -- just as I walk behind them. Some would say there's a plot here to run me over.

I check the cars at Spectrum, wondering how many of them are hurricane evacuees from Louisiana. But to my surprise, all the license tags are local - Muscogee and Russell Counties. How IS Columbus going to handle all these extra Fort Benning soldiers?

4:00 p.m.: National Public Radio reports President Bush is releasing oil from the "strategic petroleum reserve." The President stuns some liberals about an hour later outside the White House, by pronouncing "strategic" correctly.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Remember the last time this reserve was touched? We do. Watch for a LaughLine Flashback about that Friday.)

4:30 p.m.: GPB radio reports on a gas pump panic in Sandersville, Georgia. People rushed to fill up on rumors of two disrupted gasoline pipelines from Louisiana. The gas station owners there say they have ways of obtaining more fuel. But for a few days, the staff should bring playing cards to work.

4:32 p.m.: I check a Phenix City web site which "had heard" wholesale gas rationing was under way. It's also posted this e-mail message: "Manchester is out. Waverly Hall is almost out...." This writer may have so many readers racing to gas pumps that he should charge a subscription fee.

5:00 p.m.: Early evening newscasts try to sort out fact from fiction. Misha Gates of WRBL says there's NO gas shortage - but panicking drivers might create one. You may remember how this occurred years ago with Beanie Babies....

5:50 p.m.: I take a late-day drive, and practically every gas station I pass has drivers filling up and lines of people waiting. Apparently a rumor spread that Columbus gas stations would close at 4:00 p.m. Yet so many have lines now that rumor-spreaders should be rounded up, to get the source of this junk stopped.

The price of regular unleaded is still $2.85 at Spectrum on Fourth Street, as well as Dolly Madison down Victory Drive. But not far away, Summit's price has jumped to $3.09. If you're going to donate to relief funds, why not help gas stations as well?

On down Victory Drive, a Chevron station has hiked its price all the way to $3.29. If this trend continues, convenience stores will start sounding like the trading floor at the oil futures exchange -- with open bidding.

(If you think that was bad, one BP station on Buena Vista Road posted $5.00 a gallon for regular unleaded during the rush hour. Some might call this price gouging -- but then again, maybe the staff wanted to take a dinner break.)

What makes this all ironic is that the $3.29 Chevron station is one block away from the Benning Park Recreation Center -- where hurricane survivors moved for shelter earlier in the day. Driving around that building, all seems peaceful. Yet somehow, the evacuees' anxiety spread all over Columbus.

In another curious twist, many of the cars parked outside the Benning Park Recreation Center have Georgia tags as well. Either local people are pitching in to help - or they drove survivors to the center from Hilton Terrace Baptist Church, so Baker Village residents wouldn't be tempted to loot Louisiana cars.

8:00 p.m.: After an evening workout, I drive past the Chevron on Victory Drive again. Now regular unleaded stands at $3.14 -- so maybe people are getting better prices per gallon on eBay.

"The price is three dollars, three cents at the Spectrum across the street," reports Columbus Catfish announcer Chad Goldberg from Golden Park on WDAK. These days, baseball and gas prices are a lot alike - because they're all about the numbers.

Only one problem: Spectrum on Fourth Street shows $3.09 on its board when I pass it a couple of minutes later. Either the price is changing by the second - or Chad Goldberg needs glasses more than the baseball umpires.

10:00 p.m.: WXTX "News at Ten" shows Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue, urging drivers to conserve gasoline and remain calm. That's easy for him to say - since he likes to travel by helicopter all over the state.

Georgia's Governor also signed an executive order during the day, banning gasoline price gouging. For those of you who see nothing wrong with it - well, I hope you're enjoying your multimillion dollar inheritance money.

10:15 p.m.: An ABC News special on Hurricane Katrina shows two gasoline pipelines truly have been disrupted, between Louisiana and the east coast. BUT the problems could be fixed as soon as this weekend. Yeah, as if people are in a mood to drive for Labor Day weekend trips now....

All in all, it was a wild afternoon for Columbus drivers. The last time the city had a "Wacky Wednesday" like this, Hungry Howie's was still serving pizzas on Manchester Expressway.

Amid all this hurricane-related havoc, the Georgia Peanut Tour went on as scheduled. Wednesday's stop was the Tom's Foods plant near downtown - where the company's decision to terminate a pension plan has the workers coming out of THEIR shells.

The Georgia Peanut Tour included a stop at Golden Park Tuesday night. People attending the Columbus Catfish game received free bags of peanuts. Hopefully the fans drove to the Red Cross office Wednesday, and donated those bags to people who really need them.

The Columbus Catfish broadcast included what turned out to be an exclusive interview with Georgia Peanut Commission President Armand Morris. As he put it: "Baseball and peanuts go good together." Even if proper English usage and farming don't?!

Armand Morris was asked about the benefits of peanuts. He said they contain amino acids, so they're "good for young ladies." Morris never explained the connection - but next time I have a date, I may ditch the bouquet of flowers and bring a can of peanuts instead.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now back to our continuing coverage of Katrina, for this gripe from Justin:

I was just wondering why none of the networks are covering stories on the BILLIONS of dollars that countries around the world are donating to America for relief efforts?

I just love the way the US passes out $$ in the billions every year but no one even lifts a finger to see if they can help during our times of need.

Now that's the spirit in a time of crisis! When all else fails, blame somebody....

I heard this same sort of complaint in the wake of the September 11th attacks - and it turned out other countries DID offer assistance then. Perhaps you don't hear much about outside support because it goes against the traditional U.S. image. If we're a superpower, why do we need help from those wimps?

The Hurricane Katrina "blame game" is underway in many places. Talk show callers blame people who didn't evacuate. Survivors in New Orleans blame the government for not doing enough. Supporters of the government blame other countries. It's like that show on GPB Wednesday night -- "Will the Circle Be Unbroken."

As I wrote on another web site Wednesday, people tend to become impatient in times of crisis. Shocked and grieving people want relief, and they want it right now. Just think back to when Ray Goff coached Georgia's football team....

It takes time to coordinate the proper sort of help for people in need, and it seems we all should be patient and wait for that to happen. Of course, that advice probably will cost me an extra five dollars the next time I fill my gas tank.

Now for MORE continuing coverage - on that other hot blog topic, my sex life:

Dear A.V. (ALLEDGED VIRGIN); :)

Your recent post below [Wednesday's Song of the Day]....

GEEZ., the word "VIRGIN" freezes up my computer & keyboard! No joke, i mean, really ... the keyboard does a classic "no response with stationary cursor" to key strokes when i type that word! It sputters and stammers and I doubt they would let me into the Virgin Islands.

I can only conclude that a person who needs to tell the world he is a virgin at 40 (whatever) years of age, is either participating in a cute publicity stunt or is flat out fibbin!

If you have sexual content on your blog it is not really a good "G" rated Blog.

Discussing Virginity is (also) a sexual discussion ... in fact, it is surprising that anyone so repressed that he is an A.V. (ALLEDGED VIRGIN) can discuss something that is so personally sexual and exhibitionary. You did provide the caveat "Dictionary Definition." Huh? I would classify that concept of "Dictionary Definition of Virgin" in the same category as that illustrious statement: "That depends on what the meaning of "is" is." Baiting your public to discuss the Dictionary Definition of "Virgin," may be perceived, by you, to be tantalizing to your readers, and though i can only speak for myself, i find it, instead, well, in order to be polite i should just say that i don't find it tantalizing.

A.V. (ALLEDGED VIRGIN), if you are the "V" word and if you want to keep your Blog "G" rated ... have you noted that the discussion you initiated with your "confession/admission" (albeit, needy- attention-grabbing, very conflicted sexual content in a "G" rated Blog) is not "G" rated! It occurred to me that a person so emboldened as to publicly discuss his ALLEDGED "VIRGINITY" may not have the moral prerequisites to be a virgin. Also, if you have to rely on the dictionary definition, then maybe you aren't one.

But seriously, I do hope your repressions have not made you a vicarious pornographer or perversely exhibitionistic or alternatively inclined or idealistically delusional.

Conversely, your expressed desire to do a "G" rated Blog, despite your initiation providing subject matter to the contrary (and, in-keeping with that conflict) ... Maybe you can do a video ...

You can call it: "Like a Virgin ~ Reprise." I suggest you wear a tuxedo and try your best not to attract attention of a sexual nature to yourself throughout the entire song and dance. I think it is safe to say that the "Elvis-Pelvis" moves are out of the question ... Keep it clean :)

Wow - I'm old enough to remember when "A.V." stood for audio-visual.

Call me alleged if you wish, but how am I supposed to prove I am a virgin? I've read enough books to know it's much easier for a woman to prove it - and no, those books were NOT published by Playboy.

If calling oneself a "virgin" disqualifies this blog from being G-rated, then I have news for this writer. Don't read the King James Bible - because the word shows up there in some form more than 50 times.

(Sexual content on this blog? I thought virginity meant a LACK of sexual content....)

No, I do NOT have pornography in my home. Well, then again - does watching parts of The Jerry Springer Show count?

That remix of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" is an interesting idea. I could sit down throughout the song. That approach seemed to work for years for Roy Clark and Stevie Wonder....

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for..... ahhhhh, forget it....

SCHEDULED FRIDAY: The national broadcast that's coming to Columbus....

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.