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16 MAY 04: R - YOU IN?

Instant Message to Rep. Calvin Smyre: What are you doing this weekend, with all these thousands of Republicans in town? Were you the one who put up signs near Manchester Expressway with an old Georgia flag and the words, "Sonny lied?"

The Georgia Republican Party wrapped up a two-day state convention at the Civic Center Saturday. Yet for some reason, President Bush and Vice President Cheney are coming to Georgia Monday -- and they're campaigning in separate cities. It looks like they don't have to worry about high fuel prices.

The South Commons lawn was covered with campaign signs the last two days, promoting various Republican candidates. Mixed among them was one for next weekend's "Home Run 5K" to benefit Camp Joy -- but that's really not surprising. Valley Rescue Mission brought in Oliver North for its last banquet, so you know they're Republican.

(Shouldn't there be a campaign reform law that every candidate has to walk alongside a yard sign like a priest and say, "I approved this message?")

I couldn't help noticing the placement of campaign signs along Veterans Parkway near the Civic Center. I counted 25 on the west side, in front of businesses such as Subway and Chico's -- but NONE on the east side, next to the Booker T. Washington apartment complex. Maybe if J.C. Watts had shown up....

One of the candidates with campaign signs up is a candidate for the Georgia Public Service Commission, who filed as "Bulldozer" Dozier. With a nickname like Bulldozer, would you trust this man to oversee electric and gas companies?

The top speaker at the Georgia Republican convention was national party chairman Ed Gillespie. His presence no doubt kept all the delegates in line - so none of them endorsed Zell Miller for re-election.

The unpredictable Senator Zell Miller was a guest at the state Republican convention. The Democrat spoke to a meeting of the Bush-Cheney campaign committee - continuing his quest for the biggest "zig-zag" in Georgia history.

It had to be a bit uncomfortable for Senate candidates such as Mac Collins and Johnny Isakson to see Zell Miller at the Republican convention. An endorsement from that Democrat might not do them much good - especially after Mr. Miller gave that Senate speech calling for state lawmakers to select U.S. Senators again.

(Can you imagine what would happen if the current Georgia General Assembly had to select a U.S. Senator? With the two houses divided, Saxby Chambliss might become a very lonely man.)

Columbus public safety workers decided the state Republican Convention was the perfect time to stage another protest at South Commons. What makes this strange is that I figured teachers would be more likely to march outside - since the state determines their pay, while police pay is a city issue.

I noticed only one Republican candidate running campaign commercials during the state convention. The Georgia Association of Realtors is endorsing a Senate candidate with radio ads which begin, "Home. That's where Johnny Isakson grew up. It's where we all grew up...." So why even BRING it up?

Several TV stations did stories about how all the Republicans were boosting the local economy. I witnessed this firsthand Saturday afternoon at a downtown restaurant. I stood behind two "old-line Republicans" - old as in the man wearing a seersucker checkered sportscoat.

The wife in this older couple wanted buns with no sesame seeds at Burger King - and the specific requests began to annoy others around me in line. So many people want to "have it their way," but they don't want anyone else to make them wait for it.

"Fast food!" muttered a woman behind me in line as the Republican visitors took their time carefully ordering lunch. That wasn't what stunned me, though - it was the fact that a loyal G.O.P. member actually asked for "French fries."

The bill for this couple came to $7.17 - and when the husband dropped a quarter on the counter, a big man standing between me and the couple snapped. "Can't you put the money in her hand?" he said to tell them off. This man apparently saw a lack of respect. I saw another great example of Columbus's legendary Southern hospitality....

Moments later, the big man told the woman at the Burger King counter he felt like he "wanted to kill those b*****ds." I've heard of road rage, but never food line furor.

When my turn came to order, I told the Burger King counter worker I was making sure to put the change in her hand. "I don't know what got into him," she replied. He was like what would happen if Miss Manners ever got too close to Martha Stewart.

Only one Democrat attempted to compete for attention with the Georgia Republicans. In fact, Bobby Peters put up so many District Court Judge signs downtown that I wondered if he was switching parties....

In fact, I was all set to start this blog entry with an Instant Message to Bobby Peters - but wouldn't you know, he drove a pickup truck right by me on 4^th Street Saturday night! "It's a non-partisan office," he told me when I asked about the signs. So don't quite call him "Zig-Zag Bobby" just yet.

BLOG UPDATE: The beggar named Patrick promised he'd meet me downtown on Veterans Parkway Saturday afternoon for a ride to church. [9 May] I was there at 1:30 sharp - but he was not. Not even his fellow beggar or girlfriend showed up. Maybe they were outside the Civic Center, looking for a payday.

At the spot where Patrick asked me for money last weekend, I found one sign of his presence - a bag on the ground with two empty Krystal boxes inside. It was on the Arby's side of the fence which divides that restaurant from Burger King. So how tough are the Krystal managers, that they make panhandlers eat their food a block away?

Now other quick notes from a weekend when I had my best evening run since last September:

+ Two women in a car asked me for directions to Kinnett Stadium - in South Commons, near McClung Memorial Stadium. Either these ladies were confused about where the Relay for Life was, or they were two very nervous Democrats.

+ Contestants in the Miss Georgia pageant put on an Armed Forces Day concert for soldiers at Fort Benning. Ask the soldiers what the women sang, and I doubt they'll remember. Ask what the women wore, and they might talk for hours.

+ A friend of mine at church said it was "anti-American" for CBS to show the photos of Iraqi inmates at the Abu-Gharib prison. Based on that reasoning, I guess it was pro-American that the President didn't know about them for months.

+ Glenn Anthony Baptist Church promoted an "illustrated sermon" for Sunday titled "Family Feud." I wondered what Richard Kahn did when he's not taping shows in Hollywood....

+ Ritmo Latino Radio finally changed its call letters on the air to WSHE-AM - several weeks after the Southern gospel part of the station did. That'll teach the Clear Channel managers to send e-mails in two languages....

+ Columbus State University's baseball team beat North Florida twice, to advance to the Division II World Series. If they win the title again, maybe Applebee's on University Drive will honor the C.S.U. coach and change its name to Appleton's.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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14 MAY 04: BETTER LATE?

Puddles formed on the lawn in front of my apartment Thursday, thanks to three different rounds of rain. I hope this trend continues - because those puddles are the closest thing my complex has to a swimming pool.

My pastor just returned from a road trip to Cincinnati - and he told our congregation from Tennessee north, everything was "green and lush." But in Georgia, the landscape was dry. Now why should this be? Surely God knows we're putting a constitutional amendment about marriage on the ballot....

We really shouldn't complain about rain coming now, after weeks of dry weather. It saves homeowners money, in terms of watering the lawn - money they need for expensive gasoline, to mow the lawn.

An old phrase comes to mind from the rain -- "better late than never." But is that saying really true? My late mother's last job was with the Internal Revenue Service - and I never thought to ask if the I.R.S. agreed with that statement.

(If you saw the amazing ending of the Lakers-Spurs basketball playoff game Thursday night, maybe you'll agree this phrase needs revision. "Better late - but even better, two-tenths of a second later.")

I've been thinking about lateness lately for several reasons. A ballcap finally came in the mail this week - one I earned in a Pepsi bottle "Caps for Caps" promotion during the last N.F.L. season. Maybe this is a sneaky stunt to get me to buy Falcons season tickets.

It had been four months since I sent my matching caps to Pepsi for a hat, so I forgot which team logo I wanted. Only now as I open the bag do I remember - my hometown Kansas City Chiefs. But the hat is so gray that I can disguise it in other cities with duct tape.

To Pepsi's credit, the company mailed me a card in March explaining there was a hat delay due to "overwhelming demand." So? There never seems to be a shortage of cola in the summer....

The hat's arrival leaves one late-arriving item still out - a ten-dollar rebate check from OfficeMax. I bought a new speaker-phone on sale March 4 for ten dollars. With the rebate, I'd technically pay nothing but sales tax for it -- but sadly, OfficeMax is being as slow as some of its counter help on Macon Road.

The receipt with the speaker phone told me to send my rebate request to an OfficeMax, uh, office in El Paso, Texas. For all I know, someone could have taken that ten bucks across the border to Juarez, Mexico and bought cheap prescription drugs with it.

One thing I made sure NOT to file late Thursday is the check to renew my auto insurance. Georgia's cracking down on people who drive without a paid-up policy. Officials have revised a different saying: "a day late, 25 dollars short."

Georgia will fine you 25 bucks automatically if your car insurance lapses, even for one day. But what if I realize the payment is late, and I leave the car parked until it's paid? This rule seems unfair to me - and puts a wrong twist on possession being nine-tenths of the law.

Now for some other late entries that come to my mind Thursday night:

+ Republicans from across Georgia arrived in Columbus for this weekend's state convention. I passed one man on Front Avenue, preparing to post a "Crotts for Congress" yard sign in front of the Wyndham Hotel. I'll start the pool on this - and predict it will be gone Tuesday morning.

+ Two adults on bicycles passed me on the sidewalk on Broadway - just ahead of a mega-motorcycle with three big wheels. C'mon folks, we CAN share the same road....

+ Columbus State University's baseball team won its opening game of the NCAA playoffs, beating Pfeiffer College 9-6. When it was over, I was left puzzled - as to why Pfeiffer doesn't spell its "Falcons" nickname with a P.

+ Instant Message to Millie's Corner on South Lumpkin Road: Thank you for deciding to have "Customer Appreciation Day" this Sunday. By moving this outdoor event from chilly December to mid-May, you finally ARE showing appreciation to your customers.

COMING THIS WEEKEND: Will that beggar downtown named Patrick remember to meet us for a ride to church? We plan to wait for him....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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13 MAY 04: FUMBLED RECOVERY?

Uh-oh - Muscogee County Superintendent John Phillips is stirring up trouble again. He told grade school principals about plans to cut a reading program before he told the school board. Once again, it appears Dr. Phillips is getting so far "ahead of the curve" that he might fall off.

The program Dr. John Phillips wants to cut is "Reading Recovery," a program to help children who have problems in elementary schools. I confess I don't know exactly how this program works. At first I thought "Reading Recovery" was what you did after your book bag ripped open.

Muscogee County School Board member Fife Whiteside said Wednesday he only learned about a proposal to "terminate Reading Recovery" after parents called him to complain. This is especially strange, since the Superintendent apparently leaked the news to everyone EXCEPT the reporters.

(Which reminds me -- has anyone bothered to ask David Ebron why he decided NOT to run for re-election to the School Board? Is he fed up with the Superintendent? Or is he someone's back-up candidate, if Gray Conger is disqualified from running for District Attorney?)

A teacher at Key Elementary School warned Wednesday without the Reading Recovery program's individualized instruction, some children will have trouble passing the C.R.C.T. tests in third grade. But does it have to be that bad? Last time I checked, library cards were free for everyone.

Superintendent John Phillips says a reduction in Reading Recovery can save Muscogee County Schools $2.5 million. Let's see - it would easily pay for that proposed executive assistant. How many more aides does he want to hire?

To be fair: the Muscogee County Superintendent says the district is losing $7.5 million in state money -- so he has to trim the budget somewhere. In fact, he'll probably have to trim in the $10 million range. It's either that, or park the buses with their expensive fuel and have everyone walk to school.

Perhaps Dr. John Phillips is throwing down a hidden challenge here - looking for someone to come up with private money to keep this instruction going. I wouldn't object to it being called the "Books-A-Million Recovery" program.

Anonymous donors have come to the rescue of Muscogee County schools before, to keep certain programs funded. But it may be asking a lot for a well-off individual to keep "Reading Recovery" going. After all, we tried that with the Cottonmouths....

It turns out private schools have their quarrels over priorities, too. Have you heard about the debate over the Waverly Hall Baptist Academy? Some parents are talking about leaving, because they disagree with what the new pastor preaches. Is he applying the trinity in math class, and saying 3 = 1?

WRBL reported the other night the new pastor at Waverly Hall Baptist Church and Academy is controversial, because he teaches elements of "Calvinism." So? I used to work with people who were big on "Calvin and Hobbes- isms," and we got along fine.

Some parents in Waverly Hall say the new pastor's teachings don't sound very Southern Baptist. So they may pull their children out of the Baptist Academy, and perhaps even start a new Christian school. They'd better not put the more Southern Baptist school on the north side of town....

(So what would they call this new school - "Waverly Hall REALLY, REALLY Baptist Academy?")

COMING SOON: A "spam-a-rama" offer in which I'm expected to be a failure....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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12 MAY 04: YA-HU!

The Columbus Catfish had a scary moment Tuesday night in Ohio, playing the former RedStixx. Shortstop Chin-Lung Hu slipped on wet grounds in the eighth inning, attempting to throw out a Lake County batter. For a moment it appeared he was hurt - and I was ready to cry "boo-Hu."

Thankfully, the Catfish shortstop was NOT injured. The Columbus radio announcer noted Chin-Lung Hu merely lost one of his shoes, trying to make the play. "He's not Shoeless Joe," the broadcaster declared - perhaps not realizing he was looking at One-Shoe Hu.

The shortstop is from Taiwan, and has been my favorite 'Fish since the season started - not because he can hit and field well, but because of his name. Chin-Lung Hu simply sets my mind to thinking:

+ When he comes to bat at Golden Park, shouldn't they play the theme from CSI? "Hu are you - Hu Hu! Hu Hu!"

+ If he ever really does get hurt, will the team trainer get the nickname "Doctor Hu?"

(Or do the Catfish recommend he visit a doctor at Fort Benning? That way a military doctor can say, "Hu, ahhhhh.")

+ Shouldn't manager Dan Bilardello try him at other positions - so at least once we can say, "Hu's on first?"

+ You put your Chin-Lung in, You put your Chin-Lung out - you put your Chin-Lung in, and you shake him all about....

And while we're at it, why doesn't someone sign our shortstop to a contract to sell Yoo-Hoo soft drinks? I can write the commercial now....

"Yoo Hoo!"

"Yes, I am."

"No, not you, Hu. Yoo-Hoo."

"That's what I said. That's me."

"No, I mean what you're drinking...."

"Oh. You mean....?"

"No, I'm not mean. But Yoo-Hoo...."

"Of course I am."

"You are?"

"Of course I am."

"You're what?"

"No, Hu."

"What?"

"Hu!"

"Oh please! Look, do you have a younger brother?"

"Yes."

"What's his name?"

"Ray."

"So when your mother gave birth, she said...."

"Hu, Ray."

"Hooray?"

"Hu, Ray."

"Hooray!"

"Of course!"

"Hip hip hooray!"

"No, I only have one brother."

"No, wait...."

"But my mother does have two hips."

"Well, good! And does your mother like Yoo-Hoo?"

"Of course she does!"

"Why does your mother like Yoo-Hoo?"

"Because I'm her son, I guess."

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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11 MAY 04: TWENTY QUESTIONS

This is one of those occasional days when I merely ask the questions. I have no answers, but perhaps you do:

+ With the price of premium unleaded gasoline reaching $2.05 a gallon on Macon Road Monday, who actually buys it anymore - and why?

+ Shouldn't someone call for Dr. William Howell to resign as President of the Columbus Rainbow/PUSH Coalition? The United Way drive did better than his Sheriff recall drive - and people didn't have to pay anything to sign petitions....

+ Why does an "Assembly of God" church on Cusseta Road have its building AND its parking lot surrounded by razor-wire fencing? Is crime in the neighborhood that bad - or is a cult forming here?

+ If Winn-Dixie stores are selling "John Boy and Billy grilling sauce," will we soon see Georgia Freight selling the "Reggie Foster furniture collection?"

+ Shouldn't the top fielder for the Columbus Catfish receive a "Golden Glove" award? After all, he plays half the year in Golden Park....

+ Why does Muscogee County have a Superior Court, but not an Inferior Court? Is this discrimination?

+ Considering "Final Edition" only appears on TV-16 once a week, why does Jerry Laquire sound like such an unprepared bumbling oaf when he's on the air?

+ Why hasn't Brad Cotter come home to Opelika-Auburn since winning "Nashville Star?" Officials can finally throw the victory parade they've been waiting to give Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville....

+ Who decided to put a giant historical marker in the middle of the Phenix City Riverwalk? Especially one about the "tie-snake?" Is this someone's idea of scaring people away from walking right up to the river's edge?

+ If I watch "Fox-54 News at Ten" in the central time zone, am I still watching it "one hour earlier?" Or is it really two?

+ Why are Subway sandwich shops selling "Atkins-friendly wraps," when Jared lost all that weight eating regular sandwiches?

+ If Pastor Joseph Roberson gets elected to the Muscogee County School Board, will he work to have the Ten Commandments posted in all classrooms? If not, which commandment does he oppose?

+ Are Columbus Wardogs games less fun to watch because it's impossible to tear down the goalposts after a win?

+ If you say "thanks a lot" to someone in Harris County, will you get in trouble if you don't specify it's a two-acre lot?

+ Why do Columbus area libraries have so many Spanish-language magazines now? Especially since when I'm browsing through them, no one else is?

+ Why did Bill O'Reilly make such a fuss about Taylor County High School having two proms last year, but he hasn't said a thing about Toombs County High School having three this year?

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Today's post was prepared without any knowledge of the latest Bill O'Reilly "15 Questions" column on his web site.)

+ Shouldn't Idle Hour Park in Phenix City change its name? Don't we want to encourage people to exercise, to lose weight?

+ How can two different Columbus TV stations show "Family Feud" at 10:00 every morning? Shouldn't one of them be required to run infomercials instead?

+ Should Kadie the "Kinnett Dairy" cow be moved to Kinnett Stadium? It could be for Shaw High School like that "rally monkey" was for the Anaheim Angels a couple of years ago....

+ Don't people in this area who complain about a drought have only themselves to blame? Why didn't they buy some buckets, and save flood water from last May?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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10 MAY 04: BIN THERE, DONE THAT

A nice new friend has emerged down the street from Phenix City's Municipal Building - so I paid it a visit Sunday. No, don't get the wrong idea. It's next door to the Phenix City Animal Shelter....

Phenix City has given up curbside recycling, for a central location at 12^th Street and 8^th Avenue. It looked bright-blue and new Sunday afternoon - but that will change in a few months, as careless people start dumping unclean trash that doesn't belong there.

There are six bins at the Phenix City recycling center, for all sorts of products. You can drop off plastic bottles, glass bottles, aluminum and steel cans, newspapers and magazines. That last one will be important for guys about to get married....

SSSSHHHH - don't tell, but I drove across the river from Columbus to drop off plastic and steel cans at the Phenix City recycling center. It's a short trip from my apartment, no sign said I couldn't -- and the only witnesses at around noon on Sunday might have been a few dogs leaping up to the animal shelter window.

(Come to think of it, this is a nice convenient location for the animal shelter. If the staff runs out of food, hungry dogs can lick up unwashed steel cans of beef stew or chili.)

Yes, I'm aware of the Columbus curbside recycling program. But I'm VERY aware that in my neighborhood, it's "hit or miss." Many times I've left a blue bin full of items at the curb -- only to find it still full a couple of days later, made even heavier by passing rain.

The ugly little secret about the "Blue Bin" program is that it emphasizes Columbus homeowners. City crews have NO obligation to pick up recyclable materials at an apartment complex like mine, even though they pick up the trash. And you thought segregation in the South was dead....

So what have I done with my recyclable items for seven years? I've driven most of them to bins outside the Goodwill Industries building near Whitesville Road. The bad news is, that place doesn't accept steel cans. The good news is, you can examine other people's discarded magazines and see if there's something worth reading.

This new recycling center in Phenix City is much closer, in terms of driving time and saving gas. But there's still one pesky question - does it take ALL sorts of plastic? The Columbus program is picky, taking only certain kinds of bottles.-- and amazingly, it's not a matter of soda vs. liquor.

Most plastic items have recycling logos on them, with little numbers inside the logos. The Columbus recycling program only takes 1's and 2's, and NOT 5's and 6's. It's sort of like Keisha Swanier playing college basketball at Connecticut, while her high school teammates have to go to CVCC.

So I didn't cause any problems, I put all the plastic without a 1 or 2 in a grocery bag Sunday. Then I left it outside the "plastic bottle" bin -- which I guess makes me a lot like people who leave stray dogs next door at the animal shelter.

I should explain what I've done with leftover steel cans and plastic. When my travels take me to metro Atlanta, I've dropped them in recycling bins in my old hometown of College Park. That's another reason why I like this new center - because you can't recycle burned gasoline.

If I could make one suggestion to Phenix City officials, it would be to do what College Park does - and put recycling bins in several parts of town. College Park has them at all city parks. Residents of north Phenix City probably don't want to go south of 13^th Street unless they're paying a relative's bail.

BLOG UPDATE: With the two-dollar barrier busted, a few Columbus gas stations now seem to be in a race for the highest fuel price. I found a BP station on Cusseta Road Sunday with premium unleaded at $2.04. It's perfect for would-be rap stars who want to flaunt their money in front of their girlfriends.

The lowest price for regular unleaded I've seen is at a usual spot. The Dolly Madison bread store on Victory Store sells gas for $1.74 - and amazingly, you might get two loaves of whole wheat bread for the same price.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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7 MAY 04: WHO-DAT?

So I don't seem self-centered, let's reverse our usual order today and begin with a....

BLOG UPDATE: Thursday was deadline day in the drive to recall Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson. The Rainbow/PUSH Coalition needed about 30,000 signatures - but wound up with only about 1,600. Wow! The Columbus Cottonmouths had more support than that....

Rainbow/PUSH President Dr. William Howell is clinging to a legality, in hopes of recalling the Sheriff. He says the recall petition did not lack a document, explaining why Ralph Johnson was being recalled. Aw, c'mon! Are there 28,000 Columbus registered voters who have NOT heard about Kenneth Walker's death?

William Howell dares to claim "hundreds of people" would have signed the recall petitions, if a piece of paper had explained why he wanted Sheriff Ralph Johnson out of office. Couldn't Rainbow/PUSH members explain why to these people in their own words? Or could it be that people trust Ralph Johnson more than this group?

The Muscogee County Election Board actually agrees with William Howell that there should been a sheet explaining the reason for the recall drive. It probably didn't have to be anything fancy. A few Ledger-Enquirer front pages would have worked.

To be honest, it was obvious to some of us that the Rainbow/PUSH recall drive would fall short. There were plenty of clues....

+ William Howell didn't call regular news conferences to brag about how well things were going.

+ Jesse Jackson still hasn't come closer than Atlanta -- and for that matter, neither has Tom Joyner.

+ The "Friends of David Glisson" didn't promote the recall on their web site.

It turns out Rainbow/PUSH still has time for a second recall drive. The absolute deadline is July 1, six months before Sheriff Ralph Johnson leaves office. If the coalition actually tries again, it will show members have nothing better to do with their time.

(I was going to call July 1 the "drop-dead deadline date" - but I don't want to be insensitive to Kenneth Walker's family.)

Sheriff Ralph Johnson currently has one opponent for re-election - Democrat Robert Taylor. But if this recall drive is any indication, the incumbent can go ahead and take those tours of resort property in Pigeon Forge.

I drove by the Columbus NAACP office Thursday evening, and noticed a lot of cars parked along First Avenue. Either people were trying to figure out what to do next with the Kenneth Walker case - or it was the most unlikely "Friends finale" party in town.

AND NOW.... we return to our regularly scheduled blog topic:

"You're one of the most brilliant men I know...." a woman said to me at church last weekend. Why is it all the women who make comments like this either are married, or in serious relationships?

"You're dressed like you're a manager...." So said former Congressman Jack Brinkley when I met him for the first time the other day. I tried to persuade him that I'm not by showing the worn-out elbows on my pink dress shirt.

"But I'm not getting upset...."

"Yes, you ARE!!!" So a co-worker replied to me Thursday morning -- in a louder tone of voice than I had used since walking in the office only minutes before.

"Who are you, Richard Burkard...." This summary of the above questions was written in a letter to the editor of my university's newspaper years ago -- written by someone who spent years in high school alongside me.

When someone makes comments like these to me, I tend to dismiss them on the outside -- but I mull them over for awhile in the inside. After all, I attend a church which teaches members to "examine yourselves, whether you be in the faith...." So it seems strange to me when doctors have to urge women to do "self-exams" for cancer.

Since I live hundreds of miles from family members, I listen carefully to the comments people make about me. I don't get much personal feedback beyond that -- but my career has taught me looks can be deceiving. The strangest-looking man in the room might be a radio talk show genius.

Let's take the comments from the last week one at a time. The woman at church called me "brilliant" after I called myself an idiot, for leaving home and driving without my wallet twice during April. When the drug store cashier rings up your purchase and you discover your money is at home, suddenly you wonder where the Alzheimer's medicine is.

(And another thing: if I'm so smart, how come I haven't figured out how to romance and marry a woman yet?)

Former Congressman Jack Brinkley made his comment about my being a manager because he saw me wearing a dress shirt and tie on the job. Some workplaces have moved from "casual Fridays" to casual every day - but the managers never seem to send staff members e-mail saying it's OK.

By the way, Jack Brinkley keeps busy these days with the Columbus Civitan Club -- which is putting on a "front porch sale" Saturday at the Shrine Club on Edgewood Road. If you want a back-door sale, the more proper spot might be Cusseta
Road.

But what about Thursday's dispute over whether I was getting upset? This started when a co-worker spoke out about a task other staffers used to do - and I tried to respond by doing the task for him. The "peacemakers" may be blessed, but
they're blessed even more if they delay making it for about 24 hours.

The co-worker's comment about my getting upset caused some serious soul-searching during the day Thursday. This man apparently felt I needed the National Day of Prayer more than national leaders did.

I finally had to confess this co-worker had a point -- and it's one others have hinted to me recently. To them, it appears I get upset easily. To me, it's an effort to get things accomplished and satisfy everyone. Someday I'll learn some people are happier griping about their unhappiness....

True confession: my next-door neighbor is becoming my number-one frustration point. She was at my door again late Thursday, asking for a ride today to the landlord's office to pay the rent. I've given her two rides this week - and I'd planned to spend time today buying my own groceries for a change.

I told the neighbor I had to work half-a-day, then buy groceries. She said she didn't know I had to work. So next time I see her, I'll present her with my weekly work schedule - and we'll see if she's organized enough to give me a weekly schedule for chauffeuring duty.

The next-door neighbor says other people who have given her rides in the past all have broken-down cars. Are THAT many people waiting for gas prices to come down?

I try not to express my upset feelings to my neighbor's face. Instead I "talk it out" with myself in my own apartment. But lately the chats are becoming like labor pains -- first 20 minutes apart, then 15 and 10....

This whole situation is conjuring up old, bad memories for me. In 1989 I took in two single men who attended church with me - both saying they needed places to stay for a few weeks. They wound up staying a combined 30 months or so, had no working cars, and ran up bills totalling more than $1,000. In other words, they could be members of Congress.

Bottom line: if you have constructive criticism to offer, please pass it along. But please don't get annoyed if I actually try to construct something from it....

But enough about my problems. Let's check some last-minute notes before the weekend:

+ Pittsview Elementary School had a farewell meeting, before it's closed due to low attendance. One speaker warned when a community's school closes, crime and drugs tend to move in. I didn't know things were that wild in rural Midwestern farm towns.

+ Smiths Station Primary School lost running water for an hour - yet a WRBL newscast dared to compare the situation to a "third world country." If you didn't know better, you might think water-powered generators run the school electric system.

+ Instant Message to the man who challenged me to put the word "Super-tasty" in this blog: OK, if you insist. I hereby claim the trademark to this word - so no hamburger or ice cream chain can use it.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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6 MAY 04: MUCH 2 MUCH

It was only a matter of time - and Wednesday afternoon on Macon Road, there it was: a Columbus gas station with a price above two dollars a gallon. And sadly, the price was NOT for cigarettes....

The Chevron station near Cross-Country Plaza was the first one I've seen in this area with a two-dollar gas price. It's only for the high-octane premium unleaded - the kind used by AFLAC executives up the road, with both fuel and money to burn.

As gas prices approach two dollars a gallon, does this settle the debate that raged last year about U.S. intervention in Iraq? If it was only a "war about oil," it apparently failed - because the price should have gone down by now.

Do these higher prices explain why the "Summit" name is replacing "Money Back" on several convenience stores, such as on Buena Vista and South Lumpkin Roads? At two bucks a gallon, getting real money back is more and more unlikely.

At times like these, I'm thankful I have three major credit cards connected to oil companies such as BP and Exxon. Every time I use the cards, I earn rebate points for free gas. And these days, I hide the "free gas" cards at home about as carefully as I do the travelers checks.

I've had these gas-rebate credit cards for several years. But because of card company and bank mergers, I've wound up with two lookalike BP cards. One is for personal use, the other is for business - and now if they would lower my anxiety level, by having the same due dates....

I mentioned the other day [2 May] that I'm trying to reduce my driving, to save on gas costs. But a problem is developing with this plan -- suddenly my next-door neighbor needs me to drive her on errands two or three times a week. Maybe it would be easier to have no car at all.

Wednesday's travel plan was for my neighbor to go to a "money store" near I-185, then visit the landlord to pay her rent. But the landlord's office is closed on Wednesdays, and my neighbor did NOT feel comfortable leaving an envelope of money in a slot near the door. For some reason, she's more comfortable handing me dollar bills as I drive down Macon Road.

We went to the "money store" anyway. Then on the way home, my neighbor gave in to her urge and had me take a grocery store side trip for a pint of ice cream. When females do this, it's a "woman's prerogative" - but for some reason, males who do this have commitment problems.

Even when she had a job, my retired neighbor never seemed to be a fan of METRA buses. She'd ask me to drive her to work on rainy mornings downtown - even after I gave her an umbrella for the bus stop.

BLOG UPDATE: Speaking of my next-door neighbor, she told me Wednesday she's been unable to dial the Medicare phone number I gave her. I could have the final letter off 1-800-MEDICARE - but then she wouldn't have known how to spell it correctly.

Now other appetizers from the mid-week menu:

+ Retiring Rep. Tom Buck received a farewell tribute on the Georgia House floor. In fact, several lawmakers dressed like Buck and wore blue blazers. [True/GPB Radio] These politicians must want his Appropriations Committee Chair job in the
WORST way....

+ Televised reports indicated the U.S. Education Department is investigating the Teenage Parenting Center. The question is whether Muscogee County Schools discriminate, by only including expectant mothers. After what happened with a
Hardaway High senior, perhaps the issue should be whether it discriminates against girls who don't threaten lawsuits.

+ Law officers told WRBL the death rate seems to be down on the parts of U.S. 431 which have been widened to four lanes. Now there's the evidence we've been waiting for! Call Rep. Terry Everett in Washington and tell him he can find the money for six or eight lanes, we might name the highway after him.

(Some law officers actually said the problem on U.S. 431 isn't the highway - it's bad driving. Maybe if they left wrecked cars along the side of the road, instead of those crosses....)

+ The Columbus Museum held a Cinco de Mayo membership drive, by giving away "breakfast burritos" to people who drove by and pledged to become members. No, I did NOT take advantage of this offer. The burritos were too well-wrapped, so I couldn't see what was lurking inside.

+ WRCG-AM unveiled its new slogan: "Two-Way Radio." There's an obvious reason why this is limited to two-way. Bill O"Reilly would object to any threesomes.

(If you think about it, aren't ALL radio stations "two-way?" You can sing along to your favorite song....)

+ Instant Message to the woman wearing the orange sports shirt just inside the entrance to Golden Park: I was NOT looking at you because I wanted to sneak into the baseball game. I simply was trying to confirm if you had a mullet haircut.

COMING FRIDAY: What I am, and what people think I am....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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5 MAY 04: CUP-HOLDER, NO CHARGE

"HOMELESS JESUS GOD" read most of the sign held by the man sitting on the corner of 13^th Street and 10^th Avenue. And I mean he was sitting ON the corner - on the sidewalk next to a fire hydrant, with no park bench there. Even the people sitting outside selling Sunday papers have it better than this.

The homeless man held a little plastic cup in his head during the lunch hour Tuesday. I was on my way to the bank to deposit a couple of checks - so really the timing for this encounter was perfect. I didn't have a fat wallet yet.

I turned around the corner and parked along 10^th Avenue, to find out more about this man. After all, his corner spot was on the passenger side of all the cars. He's more likely to succeed sitting in the middle of Broadway.

It turned out the homeless man's afternoon was organized to some extent. "I plan to go to the Salvation Army around five," he told me. I guess that explained the "Jesus God" part of his sign. At some restaurants, it's all a matter of Who you
know.

You may recall the rules we learned last December for staying at the Salvation Army [18 Dec 03]. Yes, this man had a picture I.D. But no, he did NOT have a certificate saying he passed a police background check. I'm surprised this isn't done online now. After all, enough Internet ads offer credit reports....

"I'm going to the police station at three," the homeless man said when I mentioned the Salvation Army's rules. I don't know why he was going there at three. Chief Willie Dozier's news conference on Monday's night police shooting didn't last THAT long.

"You'll need five dollars to get that background check," I informed the homeless man. He clearly didn't expect t pay for that. But then again, he hasn't been in Columbus long enough to notice those signs calling for a public safety pay raise.

I then offered to take the homeless man to the police station and pay for the criminal background check. He started to agree - then mentioned something important to me. "I'm on probation right now." Give the man credit for being an honest beggar. He saved me five bucks.

The homeless man knew he had other options to the Salvation Army. "I stay at Valley from time to time," he told me. I'm assuming he meant the rescue mission, and not the sand and gravel company on Macon Road.

This homeless person moved to Columbus from Atlanta three weeks ago, and apparently has been bouncing around shelters ever since. "Sometimes I get work," he said about his corner spot near the 13rh Street Viaduct. But who would hire this man off the sidewalk -- a city trash crew, which needed relief help late in the day?

The homeless man admitted he was looking for something to eat - but since he was aware of his shelter options, this time I did NOT buy a meal. For one thing, he had his afternoon agenda pretty well set. For another thing, I go without lunch most of the time - so why not everyone else?

Here's what else we spotted on Cinco de Mayo Eve:

+ Tim Vinson of Jordan High School was named Muscogee County Schools "Teacher of the Year." I jogged by the Trade Center which hosted this event, and I have to ask - is this one night of the year when teachers are allowed to have mixed drinks from a full bar?

(A panel of judges honored Vinson for his creative approaches to teaching. Considering Vinson teaches welding, what does this mean? Certainly he doesn't have students weld the talkers' mouths shut....)

+ The Columbus Council approved the creation of an 11-member "public safety advisory council." It will examine practices of the fire department, as well as law officers - so maybe firefighters soon will have a "shoot water/don't shoot water"
policy.

+ Acting Waverly Hall Police Chief Archie Hand told WRBL about his two-person force: "This is not my first rodeo - but the horse sure is bucking hard." What town in Rhode Island did he come from?

+ WRCG radio's "D.J. and Vee" sports talk show had its television debut on WCGT. So I guess on Tuesdays, it now will be "D.J. and T.Vee."

(While Jerry Laquire's Monday night talk show on TV-16 always has been live, D.J. and Vee is a rebroadcast of their radio show two hours before. Doesn't it seem like they're putting the wrong program on a tape delay?)

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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4 MAY 04: A HEALTHY IGNORANCE

"Today is the first day Alabamians can enroll for the Medicare prescription drug benefit...." said the Troy Public Radio newscaster Monday afternoon. Hmmmm - Troy Public Radio. TPR for short. Tipper! Yup, they're as liberal as Mrs. Gore.

But anyway: I turned up the car radio at the mention of the Medicare story, because my next-door neighbor was riding with me. She's well above age 70, so she'd certainly want to hear this. After all, our last stop was the Kmart pharmacy - where they don't tend to have "Blue-light specials" on blood pressure medicine.

"I wonder where folks in Georgia can apply for that thing," my next-door neighbor asked.

"The phone number he mentioned should work nationwide: 1-800-MEDICARE."

"How do you spell Medicare?" she asked. I was so stumped by this question that she had to repeat it for me. But come to think of it, I don't recall ever seeing "Medicare" in my English and spelling textbooks.

By this time, we'd parked the car outside the Piggly Wiggly store on Buena Vista Road. So I used that moment to clarify what my neighbor was saying. "You don't know about Medicare....?!"

"No, sir. I've never had that."

My jaw dropped at the woman's statement, as yours may be dropping now. It was all I could do to keep it from becoming a second parking brake.

"I'd like to have it," my neighbor said about Medicare as she climbed out of the car. "It sounds nice, and I could use all the help I can get." Considering she had walked the wrong direction from my car leaving her last stop, I understood this statement in several ways.

As I write this, I'm still stunned by what my neighbor said. All these years, she's gone WITHOUT any sort of Medicare?! Was she at jobs with health care plans THAT generous?

This is a woman who relies on Social Security checks and occasional lottery wins to pay her monthly bills, and uses a PeachCare card to buy some groceries. How could she know nothing about Medicare benefits? I thought the only people in that position were billionaires like Warren Buffett and Leona Helmsley.

My neighbor apparently never noticed all the TV commercials in recent weeks, promoting the new Medicare prescription drug benefit. Even the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has run ads about it - which makes you wonder how many drug companies REALLY paid for the time.

It simply shocks me that someone up in years and low in income never has used Medicare, and seemingly never has heard of it. My neighbor has the TV news on almost every morning - but apparently for decades, she's only done that for the time
in the corner of the screen.

BLOG UPDATE: Both candidates for Superior Court Judge held campaign kickoff events Monday. It was all Bobby Peters could do NOT to propose charging criminals an extra one-cent sales tax.

Roxann Daniel is the incumbent Superior Court Judge, with more than a year of experience. Bobby Peters is the former Mayor, who says he has three decades of law practice experience. But Mr. Peters has a secret argument up his sleeve. He lives so close to the Government Center that he'll save the state gas money.

Ms. Daniel noted Monday she's the only female court judge in the Chattahoochee Circuit, which includes Columbus and five surrounding counties. Of course, this means she'll be endorsed by Judge Marilyn Milian, Judge Hatchett and Amy
Brennaman of "Judging Amy."

In 2004, there are all sorts of ways to determine who's the most worthy candidate for Superior Court Judge:

+ Give each candidate a show on public access television -- with 30 minutes to settle a case.

+ Offer each one a giant Ten Commandments monument, to display in the Government Center lobby.

+ Track down former Governor Roy Barnes, and ask why he selected Ms. Daniel over Mr. Peters in the first place.

Now other clippings from a cool, comfortable Monday:

+ Phenix City Police announced jail inmate John Rimes was caught stealing items from city employees' desks, while doing floor-cleaning at the Public Safety Center. Maybe it's time to change this policy -- and have dusting done by women in rescue shelters who can't find jobs.

+ A manager of the Hilton Mobile Home Park told WXTX "News at Ten" a security guard patrols the park every day. That's comforting to know - but couldn't that guard be on patrol every NIGHT, when the shootings happen?

+ The Columbus Catfish split a doubleheader with Greensboro, playing two seven-inning games. This prompted the Catfish radio announcer to say, "It gets late early today." Ohhhhhhhhh. So I guess it's like what shoppers face on December 24^th.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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3 MAY 04: TAKE A CHANCE ON ME

The weekend rain is very welcome after several dry weeks - but for a runner like me, it means a change of plans. Friday evening, I drove to the St. Luke Ministry Center to avoid running in the rain. Of course, that STILL meant running in the rain -- between my car and the alcove.

On most Fridays, I'd have no trouble running on the small track in the St. Luke gym -- but this Friday was different. A youth basketball tournament was in the gym for the weekend, and the only way in was with a ticket. I need to make a universal "Blog Press Pass" for occasions like this....

So what was a runner to do with a downpour outside, and a closed gym inside. SSSSHHHH - don't tell anybody, but I went downstairs and jogged some laps in the LOWER level of the Ministry Center. The main hall was arranged with chairs for a worship service. But I didn't come close to knocking over a cross or a Bible.

Having gained some exercise without anybody in the Ministry Center seeing me (unless there's a hidden surveillance camera somewhere), I stepped outside to hurry back to my rain-soaked car. But then something strange happened.

"Excuse me? Excuse me?" A thin man came out the door behind me. I'm guessing he was involved in the basketball tournament. Was he looking for a guest referee?

I turned back to the man, and he said, "How're you doing?" You can probably guess what went through my mind - the second beggar in as many evenings. [30 Apr] You'd think inside the church building, he'd find plenty of charity.

What would YOU say to a man who interrupted like this? I thought for a second and said, "I'm physically OK."

Pause, for a couple of seconds.

"OK, good to see you. Have a nice day." I said that to the man, then turned to walk down the alcove to my car. The man turned and went back inside the Ministry Center. Maybe he was on the greeting team, and had a quota to meet.

Perhaps this man was waiting for four little words from me to make his pitch: "Can I help you?" But why would he need my help, when dozens of people are up one floor at a basketball tournament in a church? The St. Luke's staff probably could find a spare collection plate in a closet for him.

While I mulled things over inside the Ministry Center, I noticed a sign on a bulletin board for a St. Luke's "Singles Event" Sunday evening. It promised worship music, fellowship time and a minister. The obvious question is which one the singles attending would emphasize - and what God would want them to emphasize.

After pondering it carefully, I decided to attend Sunday night's Singles Event. SSHHHH again - the church I attend discourages people from dating outside the denomination. As I told the minister after the event, going to a worship service with totally unknown Christians was a walk on the wild side for me.

(Besides, I felt I owed something to St. Luke for using their gym over the last few months. But much to my surprise, they never even asked for an offering.)

A far-from-capacity crowd of about 50 people attended the Singles Event in the St. Luke Ministry Center. Much of the program consisted of music by the Lighthouse Praise Band. Their goal was to move us to worship - but sad to say, I've seen livelier audiences at T-ball games.

(I don't mean to say this audience was dead - but when the praise band sang a song with the line, "I am the cold," I was the only one who applied those words to the rest of us.)

Maybe the audience of singles was surprised by one or two of the praise band's songs. They did Joan Osborne's hit "One of Us" - and personally, I do NOT think God is a slob. Other people created landfills....

After about 40 minutes, St. Luke Associate Pastor Kevin Hudson got up to speak. He's a young single man who made some good Christian points - but it soon became clear that I was in a room full of United Methodists. That's because I was the only one following along with a Bible, and taking notes.

When the 70-minute service ended, I determined I was the only person in the audience wearing a necktie - and about the only person who clapped hands and sang along with some of the praise band's music. So I was the most liberal AND the most conservative worshipper, at the same time....

As we chatted with some of the other singles over snacks after the service, I began to understand why this group might be so reserved. "When you go through a divorce, you come away damaged," one woman told me. As a never-married man, perhaps it's better to feel merely bruised.

When I told one woman I'd never been married, she seemed stunned. "You are a very rare breed," she said. Yeah, I noticed - as all the other single women seemed older or younger than I.

I should note not everyone in the Ministry Center was single. A couple named Jairo and Ivelisse put "unavailable" on their name tags. To which I told Ivelisse, "Hello, Ms. Unavailable. My name's Richard...."

Jairo related to us that the new Spanish-language service at St. Luke United Methodist is having trouble gaining a consistent following. One week 20 people show up, and the next week only eight do. Maybe it depends on how big Univision's Mexican soccer match is.

Plenty of snacks remained as the last few singles departed the Ministry Center. I wound up taking home a couple of big tasty brownies - which I guess is the story of my life, because I didn't take home any single women.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION: There was no clear winner in our poll about where to find the best doughnut in Columbus, but there was one surprise. "Veri Best Donuts" tied for first -- the small stands scattered around town, which never do any advertising. I've never stopped there, since they tend to be closed when I'm in a doughnut mood. Say, around 8:00 p.m.

Veri Best tied for "best doughnut" in our question with Golden Donuts, Krispy Kreme -- and thanks to a last-minute vote Sunday, Dunkin Donuts. The Manchester Expressway shop almost received no votes at all. And that may explain why it emphasizes coffee so much these days.

I must admit I've grown weary of Dunkin Donuts, primarily because its prices are so high. A dozen doughnuts now cost more than five dollars, and the place is taking credit cards! If they're going to get this expensive, be like McDonald's and start selling steak bagels....

Now other items from a somewhat sticky Sunday:

+ The preacher on the Holsey Chapel C.M.E. Church broadcast on WOKS had to stop his sermon, "so I can marinade a minute." Well, having a cookout during the church service WOULD save some time....

+ The Ledger-Enquirer climbed aboard a freight train, and illustrated how some drivers barely get across the tracks before there's a collision. Why ESPN hasn't made train-racing an "X Games" sport, I have no idea.

+ Instant Message to Troy - uh - Troy University Public Radio: I noticed you're already starting to change your name away from "Troy STATE Public Radio." But what are you going to do about that station in Troy? Take out the "S" and make it W-T-U?

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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2 MAY 04: D-X GAMES

Before we get to our main topic - let's hear it for BRAD COTTER!!! The Opelika singer won the USA Network's "Nashville Star" competition Saturday night! He wins a big recording contract - which means we've probably seen the last of his free concerts outside a golf course.

(Maybe his first record should be a song of encouragement to "Jennifer" from American Idol. It seems she's been crying for a week about getting voted off.)

Now to our topic: today is a big anniversary for me - marking ten years since I bought my current car! I honestly didn't expect to have it so long. After all, my last two cars were totalled in crashes in six years or less.

My current car came to me in a very peculiar way. On the way home from church in downtown Atlanta, I was in TWO collisions - practically at opposite ends of the same entrance ramp to the Downtown Connector! Sadly, the second wreck left a driver in the other car injured. It also left several 12-packs of beer to be removed, since that car rear-ended me.

My rider and I spent much of that Saturday afternoon in an Atlanta impound yard, while we waited for a neighbor to pick us up. During the following weeks spent dealing with the insurance company, that neighbor told me in no uncertain terms: "You are going to buy a Honda Civic or a Toyota Corolla!" These new fathers can be SO authoritarian....

I should explain why this neighbor spoke this way. Leonard was an immigrant from Nigeria, who roomed with me for a few months before he became married. (I sang at his wedding, and I can sing at YOURS as well.) He can be demanding when it comes to cars -- like insisting his rent-a-car MUST be red. [True!]

Sometimes Leonard's English can be a bit fractured - but in the culture of the church we both attended at the time, a married man was the head of his house, and a single guy like me had very little power. So when he told me what car to buy, it was W.W.J.D.:What Would Jesus Drive?

With Leonard's instructions ringing in my head, I only had one real choice after work on May 2, 1994. In Atlanta, only a Honda dealer was on the MARTA line between downtown and my duplex -- Toyota wasn't.

After looking around the lot for awhile, I chose a new Honda Civic DX from Nalley Honda As I would later explain to friends, I'm a Civic-minded man....

If you're looking for my humble Honda around town, it's - wellllll - it's cranberry-colored. I dare not write "purple," as that's the color of big bad Kansas State University.

(But then again, it's certainly not the color on the Honda factory sticker - which claimed my car was red.)

What sort of a deal did I work out for my Honda? What do you mean, DEAL?! I had been driving rental cars and riding MARTA buses and trains for two months, since the two collisions. I figured I had nothing to stand on - since my only alternative was riding buses for several more days.

With a big insurance-company check for a down payment and a 36-month plan worked out, I drove my new Honda home. And before 10 minutes had passed, even before I'd changed out of work clothes and offered a prayer of thanksgiving for the car, Leonard was on the phone. Who needs angels watching over you, when nosy church neighbors live across the street?

"Richard!" Leonard said on the phone in total disbelief. "You haven't put your Club on your car yet?!?!" You know, "The Club" people put lock onto the steering wheel to guard against auto theft. Well, it wasn't a theft that cost me my OLD
car....

"Can't I at least change clothes first?" I asked Leonard. He considered that acceptable - but a short time later, he crossed the street to examine my new car. "There's a bump right here," he noted on the hood around the rod which holds it up. So? I finally had a running car - and even Cindy Crawford has a beauty mark.

No, Leonard's interest in my new car did NOT end there. He insisted on driving it home from church the next weekend! Maybe someday, he'll reveal to me he filled out J.D. Power automotive surveys for years....

If I still lived in Atlanta, my humble Honda probably would be well above 120,000 miles after ten years. But the mileage isn't even to 100,000 yet -- in part because I've lived in Columbus seven years, and in part because my neighbor Leonard now lives in Minnesota.

To be fair, Leonard made a very good call when he told me to buy a Honda Civic. It's a compact hatchback which gets very good fuel mileage - which tempts me to stick my tongue out at SUV drivers at gas stations right now.

It's on the highway where my humble Honda really shines. On the way to a family wedding two years ago, I traveled between Kentucky and Missouri at 50.2 miles per gallon! But then again, part of that came when a giant motor home was
practically on my rear bumper during a one-lane construction zone in Illinois -- so maybe it pushed me.

(I think there's another explanation for it, which I've come to realize driving compact cars for years. People DO get better gas mileage when there's a strong wind at their backs.)

There's another thing about the decision to buy a Honda Civic and not a bigger car. As a single guy, I don't need anything bigger. But which comes first here: the large impressive car, or the future wife who's impressed by them and needs them?

It turned out Saturday was a day with hidden tension for me, concerning my car. I tried to drive to church and back with the gas gauge near empty. Maybe I was a bit TOO worried about it - because I coasted down hills on Talbotton Road and Fifth Street heading home.

The church I attend expects people to fill their gas tanks before the Sabbath starts. I'd already done that twice in April, and didn't want to do it a third time. So stretch your tank, and show OPEC you're a Yank....

Thankfully, I've never run out of gas while driving - and I didn't this time, either. I made it home, then made it around a few blocks to a B.P. station after dark Saturday. Barring an emergency, I can simply wave at all the SUV's in the gas stations for the next three or four weeks.

I should note I AM cutting back on driving a bit, because gas costs so much. My once-a-month trips to Kroger stores in Auburn or Opelika are out, until prices come down. Now will someone please tell Kroger there's an empty FoodMax storefront on the Phenix City bypass? It's been waiting for them for three years....

Now some other short trips around the area on a wet weekend:

+ A funeral procession rolled down 10^th Street downtown - and the hearse driver from Progressive Funeral Home pointed out the window at Veterans Parkway, directly at a driver next to me. That driver then put his vehicle in reverse and backed out a few feet. Was he trying to avoid smelling the remains?

+ I walked by South Columbus Elementary School during recess and heard a child shout, "He used the A-word!" I never realized "Alabama" was considered so disrespectful.

+ The Ledger-Enquirer reported District Attorney Gray Conger sneakily switched to the Republican party, and re-filed for re-election. What suddenly led to this change? Are all the Republicans running for Tom Buck's House seat planning to hire him as an aide?

+ A well-informed source tells your blog Trent Aric is leaving WRBL, to do TV weather in Miami. As handsome as Aric is, all he'll need is a pair of sunglasses to fit right in.

(I hope this source is better informed than the one who told me Mara Kelly was leaving WRBL a couple of months ago - because I still see HER on the air.)

+ The "Real Time" telecast from Cascade Hills Church featured a taped dramatic scene, with a real Columbus police car and an officer in uniform. It's one thing to moonlight with a second job, but with a city squad car?!

+ Instant Message to the New York Police Department: Why are you running radio ads promoting an upcoming police test at Fort Benning - for enlisted personnel ONLY? Are you suggesting Columbus officers really aren't that good?

COMING THIS WEEK: We take a big risk.... while fearing we might be developing Alzheimers....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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30 APR 04: SEVEN UP

"I'm sorry.... I'm sorry," said the thin older woman limping along with a cane. She said this to me as I approached my car Thursday night, outside the Bradley Library - but what could she be sorry for? That she's walking down the middle of the
driveway, not using the sidewalk? That somehow she swung the cane and poked a hole in a taillight?

"What are you sorry about?" I asked - knowing full well a begging moment was beginning.

"I'm hungry," the woman said. Of all the times to meet this woman. The place where I work has been providing free food all week to the staff -- but I didn't think to put a hamburger or a hot dog in the car for my break time.

"Can you just give me a couple of dollars?" the woman asked. She appeared to be older than 70, but I refuse to play favorites when it comes to beggars. I have to assume EVERYONE will use that money for booze or cocaine.

Not knowing if leftover food was waiting inside my workplace, I tried the next-best spur-of-the-moment thing. "I can drive you up the hill and buy you something...." As thin as the woman was, she certainly did NOT need to wait for Wendy's to come out with its low-carb menu.

But I had to move quickly to help this woman, because I was at 40 minutes into my one-hour break time. When I explained I had to get back to work after helping her, she said, "That's all right, that's all right...." Apparently some beggars don't want food that's TOO fast.

"I offered," I said as I closed the passenger-side car door I'd unlocked for the beggar - and then as I entered the car on the driver's side, I heard another woman's voice nearby.

"I gave you some money the last time...." that woman told the thin woman. So it seems this beggar enjoyed hanging out with a well-read crowd -- or maybe the computer-addicted ones.

This quick surprise meeting was a memorable moment of Thursday, the seventh anniversary of my moving to Columbus. In many ways, it brings back memories of the metro Atlanta area I left in 1997 -- only there, the number of potential beggars around the main library seemed like so many pop-up Internet ads to avoid.

I don't think I ever thought seriously about it, but one good reason to leave Atlanta was to get away from the beggars. I encountered one only two days before I moved in April 1997 -- on a rainy Sunday afternoon at the drive-thru speaker of a McDonald's near Morehouse College. He was NOT happy when I told the attendant I was ordering for him as well.

That Sunday session led to the beggar getting an order of fries, a short ride around the West End area of Atlanta, a discussion of him staying in some kind of halfway house after serving prison time - and a Bible discussion. And in a fast-paced city like Atlanta, it all happened in about five minutes.

The man at McDonald's said back then it's dangerous for me to offer shelter to beggars. I told him he expected me to buy him food - and part of the same Bible verse mentioning that includes taking in strangers. He was more "picky and choosey" with the Bible than he was with his free food.

As often as beggars have asked me to help them over almost 20 years in Georgia, they so often leave me frustrated and grumbling under my breath. Try to meet a need without giving them money, and they reject it. Meet their need to the letter, and they suddenly need something else. It's almost like they're money-hungry oil executives....

But let's not get distracted from the main event: my seventh anniversary in Columbus. I arrived in April 1997 to a city rebuilding the Second Avenue Bridge - and now crews are hard at work rebuilding First Avenue, right outside my door.

I arrived in April 1997 to a city protesting "Ellen" announcing she's a lesbian - and now some in the city are protesting "American Idol" dropping what one caller called a "little red-haired boy."

I arrived in April 1997 to a city with 11 commercial radio stations. Now there are about five more - but only three companies own them all.

I arrived in April 1997 to a Phenix City with a nice convenient Wal-Mart store on the 280 Bypass. Now that spot is the best place in the Columbus area to park your trailer for weeks at a time.

Of course things change over seven years -- but some things in Columbus have not. Gray Conger remains District Attorney. Red McDaniel remains a Columbus Councilor. And my love life remains nonexistent.

This time of year happens to mark the convergence of a lot of anniversaries for me. For instance, five years ago today I bought the computer which brings you this blog. In the world of computers, this means it's almost ready for donation to the
Columbus Museum.

Your blog comes to you through a special-discount "E-Machines" from Office Depot. It replaced a Compaq I still have in a closet, which a church friend woman in metro Atlanta gave me in 1996. It's SO OLD you can lock the keyboard into the small monitor panel and carry it around - an early "laptop" so heavy it would leave your lap numb.

For seven months after I bought this PC, I never used it to go on the Internet. I'm still behind the Internet curve in some ways. For instance, I am to "broadband" as most of Columbus is to Starbuck's....

For almost all of 1999, I was content to use my PC for writing documents, figuring my gas mileage and playing the four built-in computer games. I've actually kept track - and sometime this summer I should play my 7,000^th game of FreeCell (winning percentage above 75 percent!).

The problem with my computer now is that Microsoft is phasing out programs for my "Windows 98" operating system - and even the Millennium Edition is still pricy at more than $200. Instead of watching Windows Media Player video, I'm waiting for the DVD version to reach stores.

We'll mention another big anniversary in a few days - but now let's catch up on things I've missed in a busy week:

+ Muscogee County Democrats announced attorney John Martin will challenge Gray Conger for District Attorney. They can find two people for D.A. - but as of Thursday night, they still had no one to replace Rep. Tom Buck?! It IS becoming too expensive to drive to Atlanta....

+ Longtime Rep. Jimmy Skipper of Americus announced he'll retire from the Georgia legislature this fall as well. I wish him the best - but to me, that name never seemed right for a politician. Shouldn't "Jimmy Skipper" host an after-school cartoon show or something?

+ The Boom Boom Room on Cusseta Road was fined a second time for overcrowding. The first offense was $1,000. The second offense Thursday was $300. If it happens a third time, the owners might be eligible for a city grant to relocate in an industrial park.

+ Instant Message to Clear Channel Radio: Do you really mean to have announcements urging me to "wear protection every time" running on WHAL-AM - the gospel music station? Shouldn't the message be a little different there??

+ And how could we forget the new official "brand" for Columbus? It's "what progress has preserved." Watch for a variation of this at Callaway Gardens: "What progress - our preserves."

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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26 APR 04: DENNY'S DENIAL

The sign for the restaurant was missing, showing only the fluorescent lights inside it. But I didn't think anything was wrong. After all, this was Victory Drive -- so maybe Fort Benning sniper school students were using it for target practice.

But a closer look showed this was no mistake. The "Denny's" restaurant sign was missing on Victory Drive, east of Fort Benning Road. Perhaps a modern sign was going up, like the one on Macon Road? You know, "modern" as in retro-1950's looking?

Alas, my thoughts were wrong. Your blog confirmed Sunday Denny's is gone from Victory Drive for good! What makes this surprising is I've heard nothing about a new one opening near Columbus Park Crossing.

An employee of the former Denny's told me the restaurant chain sold out last Tuesday to a new set of managers. That's why the sign is gone, and a new name is atop the Victory Drive building: "Grits -n- Sweet Tea." Yes sir, the staples of the
Southern diet -- well, maybe along with country ham.

The attendant at Grits 'n Sweet Tea didn't know much more about the sudden change. "All I know is, I'm still getting a paycheck," she told me. For all she cared, Tony Soprano could be running the place.

So what about the other Denny's in Columbus? We called the restaurant near Cross-Country Plaza Sunday night, and were assured it WILL remain open under that name. Since it's on the north side of Macon Road, we officially can put this chain on the "abandoned the Southside" list.

This change on Victory Drive has to be a blow to the "Columbus South Revitalization Task Force." Denny's was the best-known sit-down restaurant name on that road. Now the best-known name left on Victory Drive is Pizza Hut - and with the right coupon, you save money with carryout.

Not even "Ritmo Latino Restaurant" stayed open long on Victory Drive - the one owned by the operators of Ritmo Latino Radio. They abandoned it for a nightclub on North Lumpkin Road, where "Benson's Jam Zone" used to be. This may explain why the radio station seems to play more Spanish rap on weekends now.

And if that's not enough, have you noticed Victory Drive doesn't have a Waffle House near Interstate 185? Isn't there a federal law of some sort, which says there has to be one at every exit ramp across the South?

There's another noteworthy thing about the decision to sell out on Victory Drive. Columbus is now a one-Denny's town - which I guess some African-American people will consider good news. It means one less restaurant to give them bad service.

Columbus used to have about three Shoney's restaurants - and now it has one. (I'm not counting the one in Phenix City.) Columbus used to have two Denny's restaurants, and now it has one. If you're a big Wal-Mart shopper, you might visit the store on Buena Vista Road while you can....

BLOG UPDATE: After debating it much of the weekend, I decided to try to sell my debut CD Sunday near Riverfest. My goal was to reach visitors before they went inside the gate - because they'd probably leave with a lot less money than they took in.

But where should I set up my sales position? I decided on the corner where I expected the most traffic: 9^th and Broadway. After all, people were urged to park in the RiverCenter's parking garage -- though as I mentioned in Sunday's blog, not that many people did.

Since Riverfest opened at 12:00 noon, I drove to 9^th and Broadway about 11:55 a.m. - and amazingly, I was able to park right on the northwest corner. That way my sales table would face pedestrians directly. The table you'd probably know
better as my trunk....

Several Columbus police officers passed by me during my two-hour stand selling CD's from my trunk. But none of them bothered me about it. They were too busy heading to Quizno's Subs, which apparently was the official "cop-food" supplier of Riverfest.

With about two hours allotted to stand by my car selling CD's, I noticed all sorts of unusual things:

+ A skateboarder in bare feet seemed to trip over the paint in the 9^th Street crosswalk, and fell flat on his face. If only my camera had been out at that moment - I could have sold the pictures to "Punk'd."

(Someone driving by honked a car horn at the sight - and the flattened boarded scrambled up to say, "If my family wasn't here, I'd moon you're a*s!" As far as I was concerned, his bare feet were enough....)

+ A railroad runs down the middle of 9^th Street - and the crosswalks are very bumpy around the tracks. Several families struggled to roll baby carriages over them. And it's a wonder Tour de Georgia cyclists didn't have a big spill the other day.

+ Countless Riverfest visitors crossed 9^th Street at Broadway AGAINST the obvious traffic light. It looks like we've found Elizabeth White's next big investigative project - "Big Red: Pedestrian Edition."

BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll probably be too busy to blog for the next few days - but we'll have plenty to celebrate toward the end of the week, once we're through....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

25 APR 04: FIND YOUR PLACE

So, you may be wondering, can I hear the music and fun at Riverfest from where I live? No, I can't. My apartment complex neighbors with their loud radios are making sure of that.

I'm not sure what music the neighbors were playing Friday night, but Saturday morning the station of choice was WOKS. Admittedly, some of the Motown songs on the radio were so old that they belonged in the Historic District....

Every time I leave home this weekend, I take a bit of a chance. So many cars are in the Historic District that I might run into someone. And if I don't, I risk having those cars park in every spot of the complex -- forcing me to take a South Commons spot away from a needy Columbus Catfish fan.

Take Friday evening, for instance. I went out for pizza, and found First Avenue packed with parked cars from Fifth Street north. Thankfully, I've prepared for this - because worshipers at Fourth Street Baptist Church double-park for a couple of
blocks every Sunday morning.

If Columbus Police wanted to, they could have a field day ticketing cars in the Historic District this weekend for double-parking. In fact, that fully-funded retirement program might become a reality.

Since it appears many of you visiting Riverfest don't know what double-parking is - you don't park on the other side of a two-way street directly across from a parked car. For one thing, there are much better ways of persuading your neighbors to start riding bicycles....

Bad parking seems to be hip and trendy this weekend. At the famous-name "Hut" where I picked up Friday's pizza, someone decided to park their car right outside the door - despite markings in the driveway against it, and open spaces in
the parking lot nearby. Some people must have a drive-thru lane mentality.

Then at church Saturday afternoon, someone with a big SUV straddled two parking spaces - and I had to park my humble Honda off to a side. Well, humility IS supposed to be a virtue....

(I don't want to say the congregation I attend is unusual - but someone put a newsletter on the information table this weekend from the "Gun Owners of America." Really! If this happened at Pastor Wayne Baker's church, he'd be
complaining about the Sheriff's Department all over again.)

But anyway: at least I was able to see and hear the fireworks which ended Saturday night's fun at Riverfest. In fact, there were TWO fireworks shows - with an earlier display after the Catfish game. For a little while, I understood how residents of Baghdad felt last year.

By the way, did you Riverfest visitors notice the fresh layer of pavement on 8^th Street this weekend? That was put down literally at the last minute - as city crews had the street carved out for work late Friday morning. If only they were this fast with the sewer line in MY block.... (ahem)

E-MAIL UPDATE: The death of football player-turned-Army Ranger Pat Tillman is stirring many emotions - and apparently our thoughts about him this weekend did as well:

Richard,

I started to think I was just weird. I broke down and sobbed when I saw the news on my computer screen. I'm still crying today. There are few stories that have affected me as much as Pat Tillman's story. The last time I cried like this it was September 11, 2001. I'm comforted reading your blog today Richard because I know there are other people in the community who feel the same way I do. I must say, I was extremely disappointed to see that neither local television station viewed the death of a Fort Benning Ranger worthy of their lead story Friday at 6. Your station led with rising gas prices. In a word, Stunning! One of the most revealing interviews I saw ran on CNBC. A former teammate described the ultra secretive Pat as very intellectual, interested in history. Andre Wadsworth recalled how Pat read the Bible THREE times during road trips. The WHOLE Bible. Pat Tillman is in God's army now.

Robbie

If it makes you feel better, Robbie, WRBL made Pat Tillman its "top story" at 5:30 p.m. Friday - and another station led off the 11:00 p.m. news Saturday night with an interview with Tillman's lead Rangers instructor. But what struck me was ABC News -- where apparently you have to die before Wednesday to be "Person of the Week."

If Pat Tillman read the Bible on football road trips, truly he was a different sort of man. It also tells me the movies on those N.F.L. charter flights must be really boring.

It only occurred to me Saturday that Pat Tillman's death was announced on the weekend of the "Best Ranger" competition at Fort Benning. It's been around for decades, while a Fox military reality show called "Boot Camp" lasted only one season. Of course, real Rangers realize they can't afford to vote each other off.

By the way, that "rising gas prices" top story Friday night actually was about a Columbus Chevron terminal running out of regular unleaded gas for several hours. I didn't notice anything different as I drove around town. If someone had marked down their price below $1.25, I would have noticed that....

Now some more uplifting thoughts on an active spring weekend:

+ "World Tai Chi Day" was marked by a group of people at Lakebottom Park. Drivers rolling by and seeing them in action probably thought the Columbus High School drama department was working on its next project.

+ The Atlanta Falcons made Virginia Tech cornerback DeAngelo Hall their top draft pick. If recent history repeats itself, Hall will break his ankle two seasons from now as Michael Vick did.

(Another top draft choice from Virginia Tech? If this keeps up, the Falcons' new mascot will be "Hokie Wolf" or something....)

+ Instant Message to Hae Won Foods on Fort Benning Road: After shopping at your "supermarket" Friday, with its total of SIX aisles and prices well above the competition - sorry. Too Hae. You Lost.

COMING MONDAY: The Southside loses another one....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

24 APR 04 (early edition): THE PAT-RIOT

Friday was a beautiful, warm spring day - until I heard the 1:00 p.m. radio news. Then it all changed.

"Pat Tillman, who gave up a multi-million dollar football contract to become a soldier after the September 11^th attacks.... has died. "

What a shame. What a sad shame. And it hits a little harder because Pat Tillman reported to Fort Benning when he left pro football's Arizona Cardinals.

Tillman went through Ranger training in this area. I suspect every journalist at Columbus and Fort Benning wanted to interview him - along with a lot of sportscasters from coast-to-coast. Yet Tillman wouldn't talk to the news media after he enlisted. From what we could tell, he simply wanted to serve his country. He wanted to take on the terrorists who tried to destroy our country - and take them on far more than any N.F.L. quarterback.

Pat Tillman gave up millions of dollars - though after his tour of duty, he probably could have returned to pro football and reclaimed them. Tillman gave up fame on the field - only now to have it for a very different reason.

How many other pro athletes would do what Pat Tillman did? In this day and age, have you heard of any? In years gone by, athletes didn't have a choice. The military draft forced stars like Ted Williams to become G.I.'s during World War II. In
recent years, Roger Staubach and David Robinson became sports stars AFTER attending the Naval Academy and fulfilling years of service.

Would I do what Pat Tillman did? I never had to face that question - having come of age after Vietnam, and before the reinstatement of mandatory registration with the Selective Service. I'm thankful to God that events happened that way for me -- and I never felt compelled to make a choice.

Yes, you could say I'm spoiled -- perhaps as spoiled as other pro athletes, though I earn much less money than they do. Perhaps Senator Zell Miller would declare me a "wimp" instead of a warrior. But I'm grateful for the ones who are warriors, defending wimps like me The "some" who "gave all," to borrow from a Billy Ray Cyrus song. And if you're more like me than Pat Tillman, I hope you're grateful as well.

May God bless Pat Tillman's family. And may all of us -- especially professional athletes -- think long and hard about what he did, and the example he set.

If you came here looking for jokes -- I'm sorry, please scroll down for them. Right now, I'm not in the mood.............