BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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22 JUN 03: SOUTH UNCOMMONS

It was just after 9:00 Saturday night when I went running on the Riverwalk, south of Golden Park. No barricade stopped me from going down the stairs - but when I came up almost a mile later, a big wide barricade stopped my run completely. A jogger I am. A hurdler like Edwin Moses I'm not.

The dirt has returned to the Riverwalk, after the high water of a few days ago. And before you ask - no, I don't mean panhandlers looking for dinner money.

(The way the weather's been going, this year's Independence Day celebration may have to be called "Galoshes on the Hooch.")

I found a couple of folks fishing on the Riverwalk at Golden Park, as my run began. Supposedly higher water improves your chances of catching fish. But on the fast-moving Chattahoochee, I fear it also improves your chances of getting catching your line on a loose tire and getting thrown in.

I left the Riverwalk at the South Commons softball fields - and there was a good crowd of players and cars. If all those folks went to a South Georgia Waves game, the attendance might double.

I picked up the jog for a few blocks around the Civic Center, as a few people were walking out from the Wardogs game. Imagine how surprised I was when I reached the car - and found they left because the Wardogs had a big LEAD for a change.

The Waves were out of town, but there was still a game going on in the twilight outside Golden Park. Two dads were tossing what looked like softballs with their young children. "It's like golf," one dad said. Whereupon he started to throw - and I whistled to distract him, just like the U.S. Open.

.(I did my best to add to the "golf" mood, by praising the toddler's little tosses in a deep whispered British accent.)

All in all, the run went well - helped by a refreshing north breeze for the first evening of summer. Longtime Columbus residents who didn't know better might have thought they'd died, and gone to Minnesota.

The post-run dinner took us to Hickory House Barbecue, at U.S. 80 and 280 in Phenix City. Their large barbecue beef sandwich was SO big that pieces of chopped meat fell out of the bun - and pieces of fat and gristle couldn't get between your teeth.

On the counter at Hickory House Barbecue, I picked up a coupon for a free bowling game (not again!). But strangely, it was good at Peach Bowl - not Bama Lanes, a couple miles down the 280 Bypass. Phenix City must have a bigger north-south gap than I realized.

(Ever stranger: the restaurant had to add a "Y" to the coupon - because the printer spelled it "Hickor House." Well, at least they remembered the O-R.)

Checking other fun facts from the first weekend from summer:

+ A CB&T branch on Tenth Avenue was robbed by a man, who got away on a bicycle. So we can see why he needed the
money - gas prices are simply too high.

(Our CB&T, uh, "checking" found the Tenth Avenue branch now has been robbed five times in the last six years. And people STILL oppose national health insurance?!)

+ "The Rocky Horror Show" appeared on stage at the RiverCenter. Wow, P-FLAG really IS gaining a following in Columbus.

+ During Saturday night's "Real Time" telecast, "Galatians 5:23" supposedly was displayed on the screen - but the words and Pastor Bill Purvis's comments were from Matthew or some other book. How big a donation will it take, to buy Bibles for the control room?

BIG PREDICTION UPDATE: We put the silent clock on our Pastor during the weekend service - and sure enough, he talked for more than four minutes about the new Harry Potter book. He found it especially sad that English-speaking countries are taking the lead in buying Potter books. If only J.K. Rowling lived in France....

For some curious reason, my Pastor read background about the new Harry Potter book from the "Jerusalem Post" newspaper. If anyplace could use a magic spell, Jerusalem could - to calm down Hamas.

My Pastor quoted from the Jerusalem Post, in which some book experts said the Harry Potter series soon will outsell the Bible. My Pastor considers that a sad sign of the times. Trouble is, the Latter-day Saints wrote a Bible sequel -- and he doesn't like the "Book of Mormon," either.

BURKARD'S BLOG

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20 JUN 03: TALK SOUP

Our sympathies to radio talk show host Russ Hollenbeck, whose father died this week. Our condolences as well to WRCG Radio - for running out of people to fill in for him on "Talk Line."

We were surprised Thursday morning at 10:05 a.m. to hear Neal Boortz on WRCG, instead of Talk Line. We had to call the station to confirm what happened to the local talk show - because we thought Archway Broadcasting might have dropped it, to buy a couple more radio stations.

Russ Hollenback was the call screener and producer of Talk Line, then moved over to host the show. So why can't HIS
screener/producer fill in when he's away? Other people on Channel 16 have shown you don't have to worry about having a "face for radio."

Where is Jerry Laquire at a time like this, to fill in on Talk Line as he has before? His nightly TV show on WCGT was dropped several months ago. Maybe he's trying to get a new show with Al Fleming -- "Point, Point and Point Some More."

WRCG still has several people on the staff who could have filled in on Talk Line:

+ Robbie Watson has told me she'd rather do news, than host a talk show. That's too bad - because she has a great loud voice for provoking upset callers.

+ Mike Vee has a sports show in the afternoon - but from what he's said about hockey, he'd simply encourage everybody to beat each other up.

+ D.J. Jones co-hosts the sports show with Vee - but having him host Talk Line? Check the top-left corner of today's Ledger-Enquirer front page for the reason why not.... (ahem)

The lack of Talk Line meant Columbus radio had absolutely no local talk shows about the news of the day. Well, there might be one exception - but Jim Foster on WMLF rambles on and on, without taking any phone calls.

And speaking of WRCG talk shows - Q: Why does Bill O'Reilly never go to laundromats?

A: All the washers have spin cycles!

As for other talkers - are you watching the two-part "Nightline" report about teenage preachers, including Columbus's Ben Shuler? ABC News probably is surprising people with this series. For one thing, not one liberal has appeared yet to call them misguided idiots.

Did we hear it right - Ben Shuler entered a national preaching competition at Grace Christian School to meet a "fine arts"
requirement?! We never thought of preaching as a fine art. But then again, some ministers in African-American churches DO break out in song during sermons.

(For those of you who don't consider preaching a "fine art" - well, now you know how the rest of us felt when those anti-Christian paintings went up at New York galleries.)

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

19 JUN 03: THE ATMOS-SPHERE

I jogged to the Riverwalk for a run this morning - and found the path in downtown Columbus covered with water again. City crews need to hurry and put up signs, warning low-income parents this is NOT a free swimming pool.

Apparently four inches of rain in Troup County in two days were enough to flood streets and homes there -- and send high water downstream to Columbus. So I guess you could phrase it this way: "The rain in LaGrange stays mainly away from drains."

Columbus city crews have spent about six weeks cleaning up the Riverwalk from the larger flooding in May. That meant dropping a lot of sand on either side of the path, to replant grass. When I saw it, I thought the city was planning a big welcome-back beach party.

Speaking of "Atmos-pheric conditions:" As I wrote my monthly natural gas check Wednesday night, I'd finally had enough. The numbers were simply too big! Not what I was paying - but the account number.

Every month Atmos Energy's envelopes remind you: "Write account number on check." Have you stopped to count how many digits that number has? I did - and mine has 19 of them! I'm surprised this company doesn't change its name back to "United Cities Gas Company," to make sure EVERY line on the check is filled completely.

If you wrote out the current world population of about six billion people, you'd need only ten digits -- for example, 6,000,000,000. So why do Atmos Energy's account numbers need 19 digits? Are they serving space aliens on other planets, without telling anybody?

(Come to think of it, major credit cards have 16 digits on them. But I can understand that, because some women seem to have hundreds of them.)

Atmos Energy sent out a news release the other day, already warning natural gas prices will be higher next winter than they were this past winter. Talk about giving a whole new meaning to "Atmos-fear."

(Remember, you can prepare now for this winter's high natural gas prices. This is the best time of the year to buy a sweater on sale.)

Awhile back someone suggested I check how much the Columbus city government pays Atmos Energy to keep the "eternal flame for our veterans" lit outside the Government Center. "I hate that thing," the man admitted. The man did NOT tell me his name and address - since if he did, he'd probably have to enter a "witness protection program."

The man said the city of Columbus is in effect subsidizing Atmos Energy, by paying them every month for the eternal flame. So why doesn't Atmos lobby to put these flames in every city in Georgia? Then maybe our natural gas bills might go down.

(Wouldn't you love to visit this man's house -- to see his charcoal-grill water heater?) .

E-MAIL UPDATE: "Sorry... no mirrors on my computer monitor... [1 Jun] there's no room... with all of the pictures of me attached to it. Funny stuff! Blaine" [Stewart]

We're glad Blaine Stewart is a good sport about these things - and we hope he and WRBL find a JUNIOR Consumer Investigator very quickly. Otherwise, his "Senior" title might give away his real age.

BIG PREDICTION: I predict my Pastor will bring up the new Harry Potter book at church this weekend - and be against it. This will come only one week after he praised the founding fathers for supporting freedom of religion.

To comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

BURKARD'S BLOG

16 JUN 03: SUB-LIMINAL

I knew I would find it somewhere Sunday, and I did. There on the kitchen floor was a tiny Subway "Sub Club" stamp - the one I lost over the weekend, which deprived me of a free sandwich. Maybe Jared's exercise to lose all those pounds was walking around his house, to find missing stamps.

I rounded up my Sub Club stamps Saturday night at dinner time, after having them loose and unsorted for months. I had enough stamps for a free sandwich - if I could convince the staff the various colors were due to spilling a lot of fruit punch.

Eight stamps equals a free Subway sandwich these days - so I stuck the stamps on the card, put it in my pocket and walked from the bedroom area to the kitchen. Then I pulled out the card, and one stamp was missing! The worst part was, I couldn't blame it on a conspiracy by ANY political group.

I actually crawled around on the living room floor, looking for that less-than-one-square-inch Subway stamp. After all, a three-dollar sandwich was at stake here -- and believe it or not, I have not read ANY of Clark Howard's books.

I eventually gave up on the freebie, and walked a few blocks in the rain to pay full price for a Subway sandwich. I told the woman at the restaurant I'd probably find the missing stamp the next day - as indeed I did. Maybe I should have asked for a packet of honey-mustard sauce, to make sure the stamps stick.

Speaking of which: the woman gave me two Subway stamps and a new Sub Club card for my trouble. When I got home, those stamps had STUCK to the card from being in my humid wallet! At least God's not totally against me - because the stamps are stuck on the right side.

Subway sandwich shops can appear in some unexpected places. The last time I drove through Richland, there was a Subway
along U.S. 280 -- in a town where I'm not sure any of the residents ever have ridden ON a subway.

And another thing I've been forgettng to ask the folks at Subway: who or what is a "Chipotle?" As in that "ooo-eee, that is nice and spicy" Southwest sauce? Is that the first name of the guy in the test kitchen who invented it?

(And why doesn't "Chipotle" rhyme with "bottle?" Did this sauce cost Subway a tie-in with the movie, "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle?")

Now for some leftovers, on things other than sandwiches:

+ About 50 people pleaded NOT guilty to being involved with a cockfighting ring in Taylor County. In that part of the state, it probably is easy to divide the birds for matches - by white meat and dark meat.

+ As I had my oil changed, I took a short walk on Victory Drive - and as I passed a used car lot, I happened to sneeze. Thankfully, a salesman did NOT race out and declare it a sale.

(Before you ask - I walked down Victory Drive to go to Spectrum. ONLY Spectrum. Really. Honest....)

+ I was surprised to hear Chuck McClure still doing editorials on WRCG radio. But have you noticed he ends each one by saying it's for WCGT-TV 16? He MUST be upset by the new owners running Don Imus in the morning.

+ Just before "News 3 at 6:00" tonight, WRBL showed a commercial for a "stool softener" - yes, right at dinner time. Nothing can get you out of the mood to eat corn on the cob quite like this....

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

15 JUN 03: DADDY? OH.

We had a big Father's Day cake at church this weekend - but an Elder's wife took it home, one-third uneaten. I certainly wasn't going to take the first piece. It would have started rumors about my years of sin.

At church this weekend I wished two dads a happy Father's Day. One replied, "The same to you - WEEKEND, that is." It was the closest anyone's come in years to showing sympathy on me, for being single.

The older I get, the more awkward Father's Day becomes for me. I'm approaching age 45, and still not married. I'm not a father, either -- and you have to specify BOTH those things these days, so people don't get wrong ideas.

Father's Day becomes especially awkward when offers reach my mailbox with great discounts on men's clothing and gadgets. "Great Father's Day Gifts!" they say. So if I take advantage of these specials, does that make me a greedy, selfish jerk?

From what I see on TV talk shows, it's really not that hard to become a father. The tough part comes in denying it for years, until the paternity test results are announced.

My own Dad died a couple of years ago - and I don't think he ever really understood how serious I was about living my faith. Several years ago during a phone call, he actually encouraged me to "shack up" (my phrase, not his) with a woman. Of course, this was several years before the second wife HE did that with left him for another man....

I suppose I could do what Rosie O'Donnell and Calista Flockhart have done, and adopt a child. But I'm old-fashioned enough to think children should grow up with TWO parents at home. It increases the chances that one of them might actually set a good example.

The church I attend doesn't really encourage adoption - and the way it interprets the Bible, I shouldn't date anyone "outside the church." Given the small numbers in my congregation and the duties I have to do each week for the service, I'm left with our big church conference each fall to find someone. My "hunting season" is shorter than Georgia has for alligators.

But enough about my troubles - let's check other brief things from the weekend:

+ Callaway Gardens held its annual "Fly Fishing Weekend." Does this mean people go fishing for mosquitos? Or is there an award for the best-dressed fisherman - the one who's the most "fly?"

+ The Columbus Wardogs fell to Tennessee Valley, for their eighth loss in a row. If this keeps up, the only games you'll see in town with Coach John Fourcade will be at the AR-cade.

+ A car in a South Lumpkin Road parking lot had this sticker on the rear window: "I do what my Rice Crispies tell me to." I hope I'm not near this driver, on a day he's told to SNAP.

BURKARD'S BLOG

14 JUN 03: PHENIX-PHOBIA

Saturday night's news brought a stunning announcement about Phenix City's future hospital. The Chief Executive of Ameris Health Systems has been fired - less than 48 hours after he announced the hospital's location! Those grumbling residents near the Fifth Avenue Extension must be more powerful than we thought.

An Ameris official explained the C.E.O. is required to live in Phenix City or Russell County, where the new hospital will be built - but the man only seemed interested in living in Columbus. Didn't this guy realize he merely had to drive across the river for better gas prices?

(Do you think there's something more to this than where the C.E.O. wants to live? Could, perhaps, the head man of Ameris be too amorous?)

The Ameris spokesman said the person in charge of the new Phenix City hospital must be "involved in the community." Apparently this company hasn't used the word "tri-community" used around here -- as in try to get along.

The next question should be obvious: what other Phenix City businesses and institutions require officials to live in town, and bar them from living in Columbus? A check of the phone book shows Phenix City school superintendent Tom Hackett DOES live inside the city -- and if anyone would have a valid reason to live in Columbus, he would.

Our quick phone book check found Columbus City Manager Carmen Cavezza even has a lake cabin inside the Columbus city limits. Next time you're shopping for dinner, demand nothing but Muscogee County fish! Anything from Troup County might have Atlanta's waste in it.

I've mentioned before here (22 May) my puzzlement over people who don't like to go to Phenix City. Maybe they're confused by the commercials they see on TV. The Lee County Flea Market is several miles outside town.

But back to the hospital: someone asked me the other day why Ameris is building a new hospital in the first place. Why not, she asked, lease the building where Phenix Regional used to be? I'm not sure if the company would save money - but potential patients like her would be walking distance from convenience stores with soda discounts.

Away from the 11:00 p.m. news, Bill Purvis declared during his "Real Time" sermon: "Sammy Sosa plays epic baseball." Given what's happened to Sosa lately, this'll teach that pastor to record his shows two weeks in advance....

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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12 JUN 03: ON MY HONOR

A Powerful Individual in the city of Columbus (hereafter known as P.I.C.) has informed us that this blog is upsetting some people. OK, let's get back to basics here. The last line in each of these items is supposed to be FUNNY....

The P.I.C. also informed us that an item on this blog upset the spouse of one of the people mentioned. It is certainly NOT our goal or intent to do that, and we apologize if we have. But then again, this P.I.C. needs to tell all late-night talk show hosts to stop doing it, too.

In addition, we were requested to keep the P.I.C.'s entity OUT of this blog. We're willing to honor that request - and in fact, this is a great idea. If you would like NOT to be mentioned here, e-mail us for the rates to join our "no-blog list." (We use PayPal.)

Come to think of it, we should have thanked the P.I.C. for those comments of "constructive criticism." At least it proves this blog is being read by somebody....

With that issue hopefully resolved: has your workplace gone to "online timesheets?" We know a business in Columbus which did it this week. It's doing away with its time clock, and having employees fill out their hours on a web site each week. Isn't this an amazing concept - managers actually trusting employees to be on the honors system?

Think with me here -- with an online timesheet, what can stop employees from fudging on their hours to gain some unearned extra money? If we're going to become high-tech about this, why not give all the staff members free video cell phones? Then make them turn the phones on and off at the entrance, to prove where they are.

(I don't know if The New York Times uses online timesheets. But if it did, Jayson Blair would have left that paper a millionaire.)

Speaking of online work: we received a call at home this week from the office of the Republican Congressional Committee in Washington. It offered us the chance to become "Honorary Chairman" of a local business advisory panel for the G.O.P. The REAL Chairman probably is a paid crony.

As part of this special offer, I was played a taped message from House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. He said I, the businessman, was no doubt burdened by "the complex tax code." Well, yes - but shouldn't I be telling Mayor Poydasheff to make the city business tax forms less confusing?

Tom DeLay's message also suggested I, the businessman, am saddled with a "high cost of health care" for my business. Well, no - I found a way around that. It's called no health insurance at all.

After Tom Delay's chat was finished, the female operator returned to the line and told us our Honorary Chairmanship position with a Republican advisory committee would include a "National Leadership Award." Considering my humor web site folded eight months ago, this would only cause a G.O.P. scandal.

Yes, there WAS a catch to this special Republican offer. The committee was putting together a full-page ad in the Wall Street Journal, and my name could appear there to help pay for the ad -- for between $300 and $500. If I'm burdened by high health care costs, how could I possibly afford this?

Finally I explained to the operator my objections to the offer. My tax code problem is with the city. I have no health insurance. My web site was sold. In short, the Republicans would be giving a "National Leadership Award" to a classic dot-com failure.

Undaunted by my explanation, the G.O.P. operator offered to let me donate less money - and said the advisory committee meetings would be a great way to network, and get customers for my business. For WHAT business?! I was almost ready for a pitch to sell "I love Tom DeLay" T-shirts.

The Republicans did NOT find a customer in me on this day - and it's just as well. There's one big argument against the Honorary Chairman position I never mentioned to the operator. I'm not registered to vote.

TEST.... TEST.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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8 JUN 03: A NIGHT ON THE TOWNE

Part of Second Avenue downtown was blocked for awhile Saturday night, as police stopped cars so people could walk to the "Heritage Ball." In a Deep South city like Columbus, "heritage" means one of two things - and this one seemed to ean "white."

Guests apparently parked in the TSYS lot on the west side of Second Avenue, then crossed the road to the Heritage Ball in the front yard of an old home on the east side. The moneyed people get police to stop traffic, and help them across the street. The rest of us get a city permit for a block party IN the street.

(So why didn't they pitch a big tent and have the Heritage Ball IN the TSYS parking lot? Their nice shoes had to get muddy, after two days of rain....)

No, I was NOT invited to the Heritage Ball - where people wore fancy dresses and tuxedos. Apparently this blog is not yet on the status of a Marquette McKnight or Tim Chitwood column.

I encountered the Heritage Ball delay on my way to eat dinner at the "Old Mill Towne" restaurant on Warm Springs Road. The restaurant has been called Malone's at least twice in my six years in Columbus, and had another name I can't recall. This place changes names as much as Talbotton Road turns into Warm Springs, Gentian and Milgen.

At 8:45 p.m. Saturday night, there was NO waiting for a table at Old Mill Towne. In fact, parking places were easy to find. Maybe this restaurant should put an "Olive" in its name somewhere....

"My name's Rachel, and I'll be your server," she said at my table. A radio station program director in Kansas City taught me the proper way to respond to this. "OK, my name's Richard, and I'll be your customer."

I asked Rachel for a chicken breast platter - and as the menu promised, it came out sizzling. In fact, it was SO sizzling that I used the steam from the plate to disinfect my hands.

The platter with chicken, onions and red potatoes must have continued to sizzle for five minutes after hitting the table. Yet the woman who brought it out did NOT use potholders of any sort. Either she has tough hands, or she stands in the walk-in freezer first.

The Old Mill Towne dinner was quite good. And thanks to an "American Town Marketing" coupon, I enjoyed it for 20 percent off. Memo to WTVM: I'd use your "Big Blue" envelope of coupons if you mailed one to my zip code - or is this "Big Redlining?"

Wrapping up some other quick thoughts from Pentecost Weekend:

+ The play "Ma Rainey's Black Bottom" was nominated for several Tony Awards in New York tonight. How thoughtful of them NOT to preview the production near the Ma Rainey house in Columbus (ahem)....

+ I watched the First Presbyterian Church Pentecost service on television this morning. Will someone tell the minister with a half-goatee he might want to take a break from TV, until it's fully grown?

+ Didya hear about the congregation that went to the beach to receive the Holy Spirit? It was Pente-COASTAL.

BURKARD'S BLOG

6 JUN 03: A CLEAN SWEEPS?

There's the Publishers' Clearing House sweepstakes - and then there's the "Publisher's Sweepstakes." The latter one is different. It called me at home Thursday evening for the second time, congratulating me for being a finalist at TWO different levels. I didn't claim a third level, though - because I didn't buy any magazines over the phone.

The Publisher's Sweepstakes promises to give away $1 million in late October. And somehow, the woman on the line said I could have a 40-percent magazine discount because I'd "used them before." Well, no - unless you define "using them" as talking to the last telemarketer.

Not only am I a finalist for $1 million, but the Publisher's Sweepstakes determined I was eligible for a "diamond watch" - AND four years of three different magazines, all at no charge. BUT I couldn't get the watch and the free subscriptions unless I subscribed to a weekly magazine. Considering two of my freebies were Car Craft and Esquire, this was only a good deal for the Postal Service.

The woman with the sweepstakes read a list of weekly magazines, and asked which one interested me. "And I have to PAY for this one?" I asked. "Well, allow me to explain...." she said - then asked if I had any hobbies or interests. Why do these callers expect direct answers from me, but they won't give any in return.

The weekly magazine subscriptions, the telemarketer explained, was "the only one we ask for assistance on." Assistance?!
Remember when this used to be called a payment?

At least this call from the Publisher's Sweepstakes ended peaceably. The first time this contest called, I had to ask twice to
confirm it was NOT the Publishers' Clearing House -- and I apparently asked so many questions, the man who called hung up on me! [True!] Will he be surprised when he never hears his voice on "Crank Yankers."

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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5 JUN 03: BEANS AND FRANK

Memo to Doug Graham, wherever you are: Frank Myers still is talking about you. And no, he was NOT drunk when he talked - he's that glib with his tongue ALL the time at dinners and parties.

Attorney and Democratic Party spokes-official Frank Myers sat at one end of a long table Wednesday night at the El Vaquero restaurant near Cross-Country Plaza -- and he took charge of the situation. For starters, he tried to sign people up in a "Mega Millions" pool for Friday's $80 million drawing. By comparison, Republicans would tell you to get off the couch and buy a ticket yourself.

You may recall when Doug Graham was at WRCG Radio, he raised the question of how much Frank Myers influenced news coverage at WTVM. After all, Myers's wife is news anchor Cheryl Morgan. The strange thing is, Graham never asked about WRBL's news coverage being influenced by sportscaster Jack Rodgers' dad -- the Columbus Mayor Pro Tem.

(Even stranger: Doug Graham was still in town in March - when WTVM showed an entire half-hour of Governor Sonny Perdue's town hall meeting at the RiverCenter.)

Given this knowledge from last year, I wondered if I should even bring up Doug Graham's name during the dinner. But not to worry - Frank Myers did it first. "Doug Graham has a job opening now," he declared at the farewell bash for a WTVM news anchor. Somehow, methinks Graham would be more comfortable waiting for Al Fleming to retire from commentaries.

Frank Myers addressed all sorts of topics, as I dined on two nice chicken enchiladas with rice and refried beans - but I have to be careful here. This IS a public blog. And he IS an attorney, who knows how to file lawsuits....

Frank Myers revealed he's called the NEW host of WRCG's TalkLine, Russ Hollenbeck -- and actually thinks he's doing a good job. "He's much more balanced.... but the show is more boring." This is amazing! Even Democrats prefer to hear a talk show host ranting and raving.

Frank Myers also predicted Scott Peterson "is gonna walk" for the killing of Laci Peterson and her fetus/baby in California. When IS that defense lawyer going to blame the deaths on Eric Rudolph?

Frank Myers and Cheryl Morgan have a three-year-old daughter - and after dinner, she was allowed a few minutes of "energy time" between the tables at El Vaquero. She ran back and forth, and at Frank's urging went to other tables and said hello to customers. You can't start these future politicians on "pressing the flesh" too soon.

(Would my parents have let ME do that at a restaurant when I was three? Well, I vaguely recall trying to act as emcee of an event at the Odd Fellow's Lodge....)

El Vaquero near Cross-Country Plaza apparently is more of a political hotbed than I realized. As I walked in for dinner, I spotted former mayoral candidate Jed Harris making his way out. So the Democrats REALLY want the Hispanic vote in next year's election.

There's now a CiCi's Pizza shop down the street from El Vaquero. The sign outside Wednesday night offered a "holiday special." Holiday?!?! Well, some Christians WILL mark Pentecost this Sunday.

BURKARD'S BLOG

4 JUN 03: YOUR FATHER'S MOUSTACHE

The big political news this week may be right under a State Senator's nose. Seth Harp has grown a moustache! Is he planning to buy a used car lot or something?

Sen. Seth Harp's moustache is a little hard to see at first, because it's as gray as the other hair on his head. You might even think it's a milk moustache - but we all know Harp doesn't have any dairy farmers in his district.

(Come to think of it, Rep. Calvin Smyre has a moustache. So maybe Seth Harp is trying to feel like a Democrat for a while.)

People who have lived in Columbus for awhile know facial hair is a BIG issue here. Newscaster Wayne Bennett had to shave off his moustache a year or two ago. Now Seth Harp may have lost any TV editorial endorsements for years to come.

What you may not know is that when Wayne Bennett was ordered to shave off his moustache, the News Director at WTVM had a full beard - and had worked with one for years. Within a few months, he resigned and moved to Tampa. Hmmmm - maybe it wasn't because of ailing relatives after all....

Which reminds me: didn't I see WRBL meteorologist Jeff Donald with a moustache for awhile, several months ago? It's a great forecasting tool, you know. If sweat drips off the moustache, it's hot. If there's ice on it, it's cold. And if you can see the skin underneath the hair, it's a windy day.

BLOG UPDATE: The TV newscaster I mentioned awhile back who was interested in the Auburn sportscasting job (18 May) now openly doubts he'll be selected. He suspects the University will "promote from within" - and I can't wait to hear Terry Bowden do play-by-play.

(Speaking of Auburn football: did you see the A.U. grad who had a big day for Frankfurt last Sunday, in N.F.L. Europe? The Fox announcers said opponents "fear Robert Baker." Maybe they saw his arrest record in Mobile.)

BIG PREDICTION UPDATE:Tuesday's post time doesn't lie! (Well, except it's in Pacific time.) Your blog called Amelia Vega, Miss Dominican Republic, as the winner of the Miss Universe pageant hours BEFORE the live telecast! If only I did as well dating 'em as picking 'em.

(Now if someone in Nevada will open a book on the Miss Georgia pageant....)

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

3 JUN 03: GETTING THE MESSAGE

The rain came with a rush about 7:09 a.m. today. I heard the rush, woke up and closed my bedroom window - moments before the thunder came with a rush, and made me wish the window frame was wood instead of metal.

I'm struggling a bit to getting back to regular nightly sleep. A new 6:00 a.m. Producer is finally hired, and this week began putting the newscast together without my help. But when she described Monday morning with the words, "Slow descent into Hell," I was a touch concerned.

I kept the answering machine turned off Sunday night-Monday morning, in case the new Producer called with questions. But no call came - which I suppose is a good sign, since it meant she was praying to Someone better for help.

I've been getting other calls this week, though - and they're quite annoying. I pick up the phone after one ring, and after a long pause there's a ring and a recorded message as if I'M calling somebody. Is this BellSouth's strange way of getting "Caller I-D" customers?

The ring and recorded message also show up on my answering machine while I'm gone. Monday night I came home to find FIVE of them. It's almost as if someone thinks I invented the "TeleZapper."

(Maybe the calls are from an automatic ringer at a telemarketing firm. But I've asked before and I'll ask again - if their offers are SO good, why doesn't the person in the boiler room ever leave a message with a return phone number?)

Meanwhile, an off day went well - as I jumped on a one-week Wal-Mart special to buy a pair of athletic shoes for only TEN dollars. If this was a Payless special, the "over and under" for the shoes wearing out would be six months.

It turned out I bought two pairs of shoes - the athletic pair with the name "Jerry" on the box, and a pair of dress shoes named "Scott." I should have checked to see if Wal-Mart has cowboy boots named "Billy Bob."

I bought these shoes at the Wal-Mart SuperCenter which still hasn't found my roll of film. (24 Apr) I didn't bother asking about it at the photo counter today, because it had a line of customers during the noon hour. From the looks of this, it may be time to check Lee County landfills.

(Wal-Mart SuperCenters still feel very strange. I've never before held two full shoeboxes in my hands, then placing a bag of tortilla chips on top.)

BIG PREDICTION: On the issue I know is gripping so many readers of this blog - I pick Miss Dominican Republic to win tonight's Miss Universe pageant. No, you may NOT ask why. You also may NOT ask how I ranked the top five....

BURKARD'S BLOG

1 JUN 03: LET'S TALK ABOUT ME

The Mass Media will watch Washington closely tomorrow. The Federal Communications Commission will vote on whether to allow TV networks to expand their ownership of media outlets. To get a head start on things: you can buy my blog today -- minimum bid $100,000.

Combined media ownership already is becoming a way of life in Columbus. For instance, WTVM and WXTX soon will be co-owned - and the way ABC's ratings are going, you may get to see the World Series and NFL games on "Fox-9" before long.

There also are "partnerships" between various news outlets in many cities. For instance, WTVM has one with Clear Channel radio - so if the radio news some mornings sounds suspiciously like what you read at WTVM.com, that's why.

WTVM also has a partnership with the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer - but that's not as tight a relationship. Why, my station hasn't even bothered to ask for the phone number of that reporter in Iraq.

WRBL's Blaine Stewart did a lengthy two-part report on the upcoming F.C.C. vote this past week. He went to Tampa, where a TV station shares a "News Center" with the Tampa Tribune newspaper and a combined web site. Considering that same media conglomerate owns both WRBL and the Opelika-Auburn News, I can't wait to see their fancy new headquarters in the middle of Smiths Station.

The WRBL report on Tampa's "News Center" seemed to go three minutes, and featured an extensive slickly-produced interview with WFLA-TV News Director Forrest Carr. Hmmm - whose desk do you think will see THAT reporter's tape in the next few weeks?

By comparison, Blaine Stewart's interview with an Auburn University journalism professor didn't seem nearly as long - and included a clip of Stewart anchoring the news at his old station in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. If I wanted to read Stewart's life story, I'd click on "biographies" at the WRBL web site.

It turns out Blaine Stewart's entire news department in Mississippi lost their jobs a few years ago in a budget-cutting move. He implied Monday's F.C.C. vote could bring more of this. But I have an old ratings report for Hattiesburg - and from what I can tell, only a few dozen people noticed when that news staff was fired.

(What else could Blaine Stewart have been implying here? As I recall, his News Director in Hattiesburg is NOW his News Director at WRBL - so is he expecting history to repeat itself?)

If this was not enough, Blaine Stewart anchored the 11:00 p.m. news at WRBL Saturday night - and illustrated a report about cleaning up your computer by bringing HIS newsroom keyboard onto the set, to show it off! It's a good thing he didn't bring out his monitor, because it probably has mirrors attached for self-admiration.

But no, Blaine Stewart didn't stop there. Moments later, he reminded WRBL's viewers: "I am the Senior Consumer Investigator at News 3!" Next thing you know, we'll learn Stewart is related to the old Iraqi Information Minister.

The bottom line of all this: I suppose we should be worried about Big Media controlling more and more outlets - but I'm also a bit concerned about Big Egos thinking they control them as well.

(By the way, in all this speculation about media buying binges I've missed something. Who's trying to buy the Drudge Report?)

Now to play some catch-up from a busy late spring weekend....

+ At 10:45 a.m. Sunday, the Columbus Dunkin Donuts shop had a line stretching out the door. They simply did NOT make that new Cracker Barrel restaurant big enough, did they?

+ I had dinner Saturday night at a Subway shop - and I thanked the woman behind the counters for warning me about the olives. Right now the sign outside says, "Our olives have a hole in them." I certainly don't want to eat anything that's defective.

(What IS the point of the Subway signs lately - saying things such as, "Our tomatoes are round" ?! I've yet to see one grocery store with a tomato shaped like a pyramid.)

+ My six-game bowling coupon run ended with a not-half-bad-for-me 96 at Peach Bowl. But the center had quite a change between Sunday and Friday - as all the seats near the lanes were ripped out, with folding chairs in their place. Is this a special bowling edition of "Trading Spaces" or something?

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

31 MAY 03: LET THERE BE LIGHT

I went to two different worship services today - and they went a combined 90 minutes. Attention Deficit Disorder is starting to affect our churches....

Service #1 was at my usual congregation. During the second verse of the first song, the power went out in the hall! Yet we finished the three-stanza song - and the song leader praised us for "enduring to the end." But then again, he stopped the service at that point for a break.

(We were able to finish the song because we use an upright piano for our accompaniment. For some of you younger readers -- that's what people used BEFORE electronic keyboards.)

With only an emergency light in the back shining inside the hall, the "men in charge" of the congregation quickly huddled to decide what to do. No, I was NOT one of these people. Single guys get about as much respect in my church denomination as they do in President Bush's tax cuts.

We meet for church in a metal building with no windows, and only two doors outside. So we opened the doors, and moved the lectern over in front of a door. Some churches would have had a revival tent ready, for occasions like this.

The Presiding Elder gave a sermonette - but we were planning to watch a video sermon, and we couldn't because of the outage. And here I thought the Holy Spirit gave us POWER for these situations....

The Pastor was out of town this weekend, on a "working vacation" in Seattle. That means he gave two messages - and,
well, maybe kept his mouth shut the rest of the week?!?!

With no Pastor and no power, we followed the sermonette with announcements, one more song and a closing prayer. None of the "men in charge" apparently had a back-up sermon ready. Too bad they didn't ask me, because I have several just waiting for someone to hear - even if they don't want to hear them.

Total time of service #1: 30 minutes. Someone said to me afterward it was "like some Baptist churches." Apparently that guy believed the half-hour of time Baptist churches buy on TV and radio is really their entire service.

What my regular congregation doesn't know (ssshhh!) is that I now have a back-up plan for worship. Cascade Hills Baptist Church now has Saturday evening services at 6:00 p.m. So if the preacher decides to preach for an hour on the evils of the Democratic Party - and sometimes I think my Pastor might....

I drove home between services for some Bible study - and let the record show, I DID turn on my air conditioner for the first time this season. It was comforting to know it still worked after sitting idle for eight months. It was more comforting to know no roaches were rushed out of hiding, when I turned it on.

Service #2, as I say, was at Cascade Hills - and if you've ever seen this church's Saturday night telecast, you know it's a different kind of church. Sad to say, some nights their presentation at 11:00 p.m. is more polished than the two late local newscasts.

I entered the Cascade Hills "worship center" at about 5:50 p.m. - and two big video screens above the seats had a countdown clock running, along with film of people surfing. For a minute, I thought they were having guest Polynesian singers from T.B.N.

The countdown clock was heading for a service time of exactly 6:00 p.m. - but twice, someone shuttled the tape backward
in the final minute to about the two-minute point. Maybe this is somewhat like what God did, when some preachers predicted Jesus would return in 1975 or 1988.

A side note here: on my one previous Saturday visit to Cascade Hills, we were welcomed formally at 6:00 p.m. by Brent Tanamachi. He used to do news and sports reporting at WRBL. He's now the church's "College Pastor" - and probably is steering journalism majors toward more respectable careers.

On this Saturday night, a worship team sang and played a rather rocking secular number to start the service. I wasn't familiar with it at all - but thankfully, the words of the song were on the video screen. Cascade Hills apparently takes the "interpreting of tongues" seriously.

One of the worship singers said after the first song Cascade Hills is "not the kind of church you're used to." I could have told them that the minute I walked in the door - because I was the only person in the building wearing a tie, much less a sportscoat.

I happened upon a special Saturday night at Cascade Hills, as children in the church's youth league baseball program were on hand in their uniforms. The players on the A's, Braves, Rangers and Yankees stood up for applause. I could tell it was a Protestant Baptist church, because no team was named the Padres or the Brewers.

(Wait a minute - the YANKEES? At a church in Columbus, Georgia?!?! This must be their way of reaching out to other ethnic groups.)

After the young baseball players were honored, a worship singer urged the children to "be very still" during the upcoming sermon. In my usual congregation, the leaders don't have to make such comments - because parents who don't keep their children quiet risk getting singled out during the service, on the spot.

Finally it was Cascade Hills sermon time - and Pastor Bill Purvis didn't wear a robe. Not even a tie. He wore a colorful summer shirt, and white casual-looking slacks. No wonder he didn't tell the boys to take off their ball caps to pray to God....

Bill Purvis apparently realized this service would have a lot of first-timers and visitors - because he admitted some people are turned off by organized religion. "We're DIS-organized, for a purpose," he said. I was tempted to test that statement - and walk down the aisle to finish his sermon.

(This quote brought back a flashback of my high school days. I used to borrow a Will Rogers line and told people, "I don't belong to an organized religion. I'm United Methodist." If only a tenor in our madrigal group hadn't bothered to bring up that quote, when we sang at a church supper....)

As glib as Bill Purvis is and as practical as his sermons are, his message struck out with me on this night. After all, doesn't God WANT organization and order in His church? Otherwise, one week they might forget to pass around the offering plate.

The tithes and offerings came at the very end of the Cascade Hills service - after the sermon and an invitation hymn. If the
Pastor couldn't persuade people to turn over their lives to God, at least you felt compelled to turn over SOMETHING.

The crowd of people went on after the 60-minute Cascade Hills service to the nearby "Sportatorium," for a youth baseball barbecue. I did NOT go to this for two reasons: 1) I wasn't involved in the sports program. 2) This church is known for its "wild game
suppers," so who knows what the barbecue sauce is covering.

As I walked to my car, I received a big surprise - as I was greeted by my landlord. He asked if I attend Cascade Hills regularly. I told him I didn't - and probably blew a chance to cut my monthly rent by 10 percent.

The parking lot drivers were so focused on moving to the Sportatorium that I couldn't get out of my spot for five minutes. Finally a driver motioned for me to go - proving at least ONE adult in this church understands how to show mercy to others.

BURKARD'S BLOG

30 MAY 03: NOT THE END, BUT THE BEGINNING

Now I'm REALLY confused. Muscogee County started having commencement exercises this afternoon - while I was at a Kroger store in Auburn, looking at a display promoting raisins as "great for BACK to school." Finally this "early-season" marketing stuff has gone too far!

It's graduation weekend in Muscogee County public schools. Our best wishes to all the high school seniors - and remember: the driver's license photos will NEVER look as good as your senior picture.

There's a big switch this commencement weekend in town. The Friday night graduation exercises are at the Civic Center - but the Saturday ceremonies had to be moved, because the Columbus Wardogs reserved the building for arena football first! Since the Wardogs are 2-and-5, we know which group has the better success rate....

The Wardogs tried to play nice, to settle the controversy over moving some graduation ceremonies out of the Civic Center. All high school seniors were promised a free ticket to an arena football game. Given the team's record right now, maybe it should sign some bulky seniors to contracts instead.

(I think I've figured out what put the Wardogs out of sorts, after a two-game winning streak to start the year. Radio announcer Justin Cazana had to miss the third game -- and they've never recovered since.)

For some reason, there was no mention in the media this year of the "quiet commencement" policy - where people making noise or clapping hands during the reading of seniors' names risk getting kicked out of the arena. Maybe the school district now has a "quietly-do-away-with-it" policy.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

26 MAY 03: A MATTER OF TIMING

Here's hoping you've had a nice Memorial Day. I can't tell you how many times I've heard it called "the unofficial start of summer." Some of us thought that had moved up to early May, when the first big blockbuster movie comes out.

To dial around Columbus radio, you might be confused about what season we're in. WDAK ran ads declaring "summer's here" a couple of weeks ago. Yet when NASCAR races are on, WMLF runs ads telling me to "get the jump on the cold weather" with my car.

My TV station isn't helping things much right now. It's running announcements telling how "amazing things happened in May." The list of events starts with the Tour de Georgia - which as I recall came through Columbus on APRIL 24^th. [24 Apr]

For years, it was easy for me to figure out the start of summer. It was when the National Hockey League Stanley Cup Finals ended. The amazing thing is, this year that benchmark might be accurate for a change - the first week of June.

Some school districts in our area let students out for summer vacation in the middle of last week. Muscogee County's year ends this Friday. So plan your trips to the mall appropriately, to dodge the crowds.

I'm pleased to report I made it to Memorial Day without turning on my window air conditioner, in the kitchen. [11 May] That's an unofficial family tradition - but of course, my family was and is in Kansas City. If they had lived in Columbus, we might have had air conditioning on the first time the temperature hit 85.

BLOG UPDATE - I'm down to two bowling coupons left, after a Sunday doubleheader in which I visited both Peach Bowl and Bama Lanes. I scored a mere 62 at each of them! With scores that low, maybe I should take up golf and head for Green Island next May.

BURKARD'S BLOG

25 MAY 03: MONEY BACK

"Do you want this?" a little boy asked me as I walked past an apartment in my complex last evening. The boy was offering me some folded money, with a five-dollar bill on the outside. Talk about desperation - people are trying to pay off journalists on their day off.

It was surprising to see this boy with an expanded "Afro" hairdo, looking no older than ten, offering me a wad of money. I wasn't quite sure how to respond. After all, what if his dad was inside - and it was his drug money?

It was the Sabbath day for me, so I tried to do the right thing. "It isn't MINE," I said of the money packet -- then walked on my way. Other people probably need that money more than I do. And that little boy didn't need the spanking his parents probably would have given him.

All of this leads me to ask some questions about money-related offers I've seen lately on TV:

+ Has anyone ever sat through all 30 minutes of the "Chip Ellis The Bank" info-mercial? How many times do you need to hear him say, "I'm the real deal," before you get the point?

+ Who is this new guy doing ads for Budget Car Sales -- the one acting like he's having autistic fits about "all these CAR-AR-AR-ARS" ? Can't some prescription sedative be given to him? Or are they hiring West Central Hospital patients for commercials these days?

+ Did WTVM ever get enough donations to pay for "Operation Thanks?" Or will we see twice as many commercials during newscasts in June?

BLOG UPDATE - The Pastor of the church I attend made another surprising offer this weekend. He's now asking people to raise their hands, if he makes a misstatement during the service. (27 Apr) He'd better hope a group of Southern Baptists doesn't show up someday.

My Pastor's latest correction involved a comment last weekend on celebrity current events. He claimed Brad Pitt was caught with pistols in his car - "after he went to Iraq calling for peace." It turns out Sean Penn did those things, not Brad Pitt. After all, if Pitt went to Iraq, he'd have to wear a shawl to hide his highlighted hair.

After the church service, someone pointed out to a Local Elder he was drinking "spring water." (He always brings a bottle of Dasani with him.) To which I stumped the Elder by asking, "But what are you going to do when it's summer?"

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

22 MAY 03: PHENIX PHURSDAY

I had several errands to run in Phenix City this afternoon. It was a bit surprising to see no signs at the Alabama line, bragging about being the home state of "American Idol" Rubin Studdard.

(So let me be sure I understand this. The "205" Rubin wears on his shirt is the area code for Birmingham - and NOT his weight goal?!?)

After six years in this area, I still don't understand why some Columbus residents loathe to go to Phenix City. It's not like all the businesses there are in double-wide mobile homes or something....

Stop One on the trip: a small Christian bookstore on Crawford Road, called "The Covenant." A man asked if I needed help as soon as I walked in the door. As we all know, a female employee would have let me have at least ten seconds to check items on the front table.

Several people in the church group I attend have requests for songs for me to sing. Trouble is, I can't find accompaniment tracks for any of them at stores such as "The Covenant." I'm starting to wonder if should pull a Bobby McFerrin or Billy Joel stunt, and simply record myself humming in the background.

The Covenant is located in a small shopping center - and I was surprised to see a Blimpie sandwich shop in that center has closed, only a few months after it opened. Maybe for the Phenix City crowd, they need a barbecue pork sub.

(Or, in light of American Idol, maybe a "Rubin" sandwich?!)

Stop Two: Bama Lanes near the 280 Bypass, and my second free bowling coupon. This bowling center is well hidden from the highway -- the better to keep those truck drivers from stopping there, and blocking the parking lot.

In some ways, Bama Lanes is a step above Peach Bowl in Columbus. The shoe rental costs 50 cents less. The video screens above the lanes have 3-D style effects. And if all else fails, you can sing along to the oldies music on the P-A system.

My free game started well, with a spare in the first. I was at a modest 49-for-5, when the young man behind the counter came down to offer me some advice. I moved to the left like he said - and promptly threw my second gutter ball in a row. Come to think of it, the Bible recommends a "MULTITUDE of counsel," not just one guy.

The adjustments didn't help much, and I wound up with a mere score of 72. Was it the music? Did I pick the wrong ball? Or was it the two guys two lanes over from me, smoking and walking around like they might take my sneakers?

(Only a 72 in my second bowling game in three days? That settles it - Annika Sorenstam can't play with ME, either.)

Stop Three: A few groceries at Winn-Dixie - but first on the way, I spotted a cute sign outside the Bonanza steakhouse: "Dear Lord, if you can't make me thin, please make my friends fat."

Winn-Dixie's become one of these "discount card" supermarkets - where if you don't take your card, you don't get dozens of lower prices throughout the store. All they need to do is program this into our foreheads, and the "mark of the beast" will have arrived.

The young woman at the checkout circled my receipt, to show "I've saved $1.85 so far with my discount card." She didn't bother to mention my spaghetti sauce, gallon of milk and bag of tortilla chips today saved me absolutely NOTHING.

BURKARD'S BLOG

20 MAY 03: LET'S ROLL

This afternoon, for the first time in five years, I went bowling. Pick up and drop down a heavy object enough times, and it might qualify as weight training.

I piled up a stack of coupons for free bowling games, by eating Banquet frozen dinners -- but they're only good during the day, Monday through Friday. Since I'm still working an overnight shift and sleeping during the day, I should get doughnuts before or after the game. Then I'd REALLY live the life of Homer Simpson.

I pulled in to Peach Bowl Lanes a bit after 5:00 p.m. - and out of 54 available lanes, only TWO were in use. So it was a perfect time to try my first bowling in years. Hardly anyone was around to stare at me and laugh -- and even better, nobody was smoking.

(The last time I bowled was in Toronto in 1998, at a small center in the basement of a strip mall. I was all alone that afternoon - and it DID feel like the operators needed a TV to watch or something.)

While the game of bowling was free with the coupon, I still had to rent shoes. I'm thrilled to report my size-eights were red on one side, blue on the other and white in back. Those shoes weren't circus-clown looking - in this day and age, they were downright patriotic.

Picking a bowl from the rack behind lane 22, I started throwing with no warm-up at all. If you see me leaning to the left for the next day or two, that's why....

But seriously: I wound up with one strike, two spares -- and only TWO gutter balls, on second shots. Remember when the announcers on "Bowling for Dollars" called it the "channel," because gutter sounded too low-class?

After I bowled a strike in the fifth, a strange thing happened. My shots in the sixth never registered on the computer scoring system. Either bowling centers now have a "free frame" policy I didn't know about, or the computer was absolutely shocked.

My final score was a record high for me in ten-pin bowling - a 106. I could have finished in the 130's, but I missed the six-pin twice and the ten-pin once for easy spares. They set those pins simply TOO close to the gutters.

As I left the lanes feeling satisfied, I saw someone walking up with a bowling bag unlike any I'd ever seen - on wheels. Since when did a bowling center start looking like the airport?

So why is a bowling center so empty on a weekday after school? Even without a coupon, a line of bowling and shoe rental only costs about five dollars. But it seems the only balls many young people want to roll these days are trac-balls, on video games.

I read statistics some years ago showing the Columbus and Montgomery areas have the smallest concentration of bowling lanes in the country. Maybe around here, the only targets people want to aim at are the moving ones they can shoot with guns.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

19 MAY 03: OUR SPECIAL GUESTS

Only minutes after my afternoon jog today, a man knocked on my door. He said he needed to make a phone call. I was stunned by this - partly because I thought I was the last person in Columbus without a cell phone.

All the man said he wanted to do was call the Booker T. Washington housing complex. Yet I stood on my side of the screen door, for seconds which seemed like a half-hour. Should I let in this total stranger? Should I ask for an ID card, and call police first?

(And after reflecting on it, shouldn't I prepare better for things like this -- and buy a cordless phone, that people can use on the porch?)

It was a moment of true mental anguish as I pondered what to do. The Christian side of me said, "Let him in." The TV journalist side of me said, "Didn't you watch those special reports on home invasions?" And the historical side of me wished BellSouth hadn't taken down all its pay phones.

Finally I decided to let the man inside to make a local call - AFTER he emptied all his pockets first. That way, I knew the man didn't have a hidden weapon. As he pulled out several dollar bills, it also showed me he didn't need to ask for dinner as well.

The man didn't have an easy time emptying his pockets, because he carried a lit half-cigarette in one hand. This guy could have "burned a hole in his wallet" in two different ways....

The man had to reach WAY down to empty his pockets - because his walking shorts were about five inches below his waist, and his boxers were quite noticeable. Yet he also had a wide brown belt tied around his shorts! To be honest, I do the same sort of thing -- except my slacks are so TIGHT around my waist, I only wear a belt so it looks right.

I seized the control of the situation at this point. "Pull your shorts up," I told the man, "and you'll need to put out your cigarette. This is a smoke-free house." It's amazing how much more powerful I feel, when Judge Joe Brown is telling off people on the TV nearby.

The guest left his cigarette stub on a front window sill outside and came in. "How'ya doing?" he asked.

"The phone's over here," I answered to hurry things along. The fewer things in the apartment he could examine, the more
challenging it would be if he tried to steal stuff later.

But wouldn't you know it - the man had trouble dialing with my phone. It's a "touch-tone," only I have it set for pulse dialing. Georgia law still makes you pay more for touch-tone service - apparently a last-ditch way of promoting the slow, "Old South" way of doing things.

The second time the man dialed the 321 number, he got through - but the line was busy. With that, he thanked me and went on his way. Given my recent history, I'm surprised the man didn't invite me to join him at B.T.W. for a beer bash.

As it happened, another couple of special guests were in downtown Columbus today. They were scouting out the RiverCenter for a possible Presidential debate next year. Peter Bowden of the Convention and Visitors Bureau says he's trying to use ALL of downtown as a selling point. Well, the reporters will need all those Broadway bars to drink when it's over.

Wayne Bennett said during the 5:30 p.m. news if the RiverCenter "was good enough for Willie Nelson, it should be good enough for a Presidential debate." Given that reasoning, one of the debates next year should take place on a Luckenbach, Texas farm.

A Presidential debate at the RiverCenter truly would be prestigious for Columbus. It also would be historic. From listening to talk radio stations in town, it would mark one of the few times a Democrat could state his opinion publicly without being interrupted.