BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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30 APR 03: THE ANNIVERSARY WALTZ

Tomorrow I mark six years at the TV station where I do freelance work. I started as a full-time news producer. Now - well, for the last eight months I've STILL been a full-time news producer.

There are many things I've come to like about Columbus, six years after moving from metro Atlanta. The traffic jams are far less frequent. My rent never has increased. And I actually can go for a jog from my home, without worrying getting run over by fast cars or stopped by street beggars.

I've now lived long enough in Columbus to have memories of how things USED to be. For instance:

+ In 1997 the block where the RiverCenter stands was a big parking lot for Columbus city employees. Now they've made real progress - with a RiverCenter parking lot that has more than one level.

+ Today Columbus has only one enclosed shopping mall. In 1997 it had - no wait, Columbus Square was already two-thirds empty then.

+ In 1997 Columbus and Auburn had several "Bullitt's" fast-food restaurants. Today you can't even have a pro basketball team with a name like that.

+ In 1997 Columbus had a new indoor soccer team, the Comets. Today it has a new baseball team, the Waves - which might stay about as long, one season.

+ In 1997 WRBL's sports department had three people. Today, as Jack Rodgers left on a trip to Romania, it officially has none for awhile. As we say, progress.

+ In 1997 WTVM showed the family comedy "Step by Step" weeknights at 7:30 p.m. Today it's gone - and missed by absolutely no one.

+ In 1997 local advertisers boycotted WTVM for showing "Ellen." Nowadays no one seems to notice WLTZ showing "Will and Grace."

+ In 1997 WDAK radio had "Imus in the Morning" while WRCG had Scott Miller. Today they're at the exact opposite stations. I won't be surprised if six years from now, they're simulcasting on both of them.

More sixth anniversary reflections are coming soon....

BURKARD'S BLOG

28 APR 03: WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?

I went for an evening walk around South Commons last night - and as I returned to the apartment complex, children were playing in the grassy courtyard. Suddenly I heard a mother's voice say, "Get your a** over here." Do they have female drill instructors at Fort Benning's basic training now?

I normally don't do things like this, but I decided the mother was talking to me - so I walked over to where she sat on a porch and said, "OK, I'm here." After all, children aren't addressed in rough language like hers. Well, then again, I don't watch "The Sopranos."

Once I walked over to the woman's porch, she and a couple of other people just stared at me as if I was a weirdo. Perhaps it was because I responded to her call, and none of the children did. [True!]

Finally a man in a neighboring apartment clarified - that woman using the "A" word was not calling me. "Oh, OK," I said and walked into my own apartment. I seriously doubt the woman got the message I was trying to send, about her use of
language around children. Then again, I'm not sure a tough-talking TV judge could get through to her, either.

This week I mark six years in this apartment complex - and I can't help noticing the folks on the opposite side of the courtyard from me never invite me over to their outdoor cookouts. Could it be they're simply shy? They've already invited other friends over? Or could it be that I'm the only non-African-American person in the complex, and they suspect I'm a police informant?

To be fair, I've never invited other people in the complex to my apartment. For one thing, I don't have a grill for outdoor cooking. For another thing, I've inherited so much furniture over the years that the fire code limit on people might be three.

Spring cleaning helps me clear away the piles of things around my apartment. Yesterday I finally put together a six-foot-tall torchiere pole lamp from Penney's, that I bought seven years ago! This lamp is SO OLD it's a forest green color -- and you may remember when that was a popular color for cars.

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

27 APR 03: DON'T YOU LOVE SURPRISES?

A big surprise showed up at my door around 4:30 Friday afternoon - a plumber, to fix my bathroom leaks! Considering it's been about a month since I reminded the landlord of these things, it seemed like a miracle from heaven.

The plumber wrestled with the leaky bathtub, as a crew did about a year-and-a-half ago. He even went around to the other side of the problem, and checked under the kitchen sink. Thankfully, the cockroaches usually hiding there were on their best behavior....

The plumber used some technical language, to say he'd have to come back the next day. He left a few screws and tiny pieces on a shelf in my medicine cabinet for safekeeping. But as I write, he still hasn't replaced the dozen or so items he removed from under the kitchen sink. C'mon - I really did do spring cleaning there.

I spent Friday night with the bathtub still dripping - and only one handle for BOTH sides of the bathroom sink, as the other had broken off. I remembered Atlanta water restrictions, and invoked the "alternate spigot rule."

The plumber returned as promised around 9:00 a.m. Saturday, joined by another man. I'd just awakened then they arrived - so I didn't think to ask if the other guy was called a "plumber's helper."

A second round of work ended with TWO sink handles, but still a drippy bathtub. Apparently the seals have worn out, and the plumber must return Monday to "tear out some tiles." Of all the times to go back to the full-time overnight shift....

The surprises continued at the weekend service in the church I attend. It started when our Pastor offered a "P.S." at the end of his sermon - which in our congregation stands for "Personal Speculation."

The Pastor said he'd been thinking about Jonah - and was starting to conclude he was DEAD when he spent three days and three nights inside the great fish. This didn't sound right to me at all. And sure enough, Jonah 2:1 says he prayed from INSIDE the fish! Unless, maybe, Jonah was a Mormon....

My dilemma at once became: how do you correct a Pastor who's wrong about the Bible? After all, this man's been preaching close to 40 years -- and even worse, he often criticizes people who say Old Testament books like Jonah should be ignored.

The answer to this dilemma came to me, without my even trying. The Pastor walked over after the service to the audio table where I'm stationed, to ask a favor. I shook his hand, said hello - but dared to open the Bible to Jonah 2, saying, "I can't agree with what you said." In case you ever face this challenge, I never thumped my Bible once.

"I stand corrected," the Pastor said after reading over a few verses - then actually had me turn up the microphone at the lectern, so he could announce to everyone chatting in the hall what he'd found. He never named me as the source of the information. If he had, some people would have drafted me to run for Pastor - while others would have told me to get lost, for insulting a "man of God."

Surprise #3 came Saturday night, with Riverfest in full swing near my home at South Commons. I walked over to Kimball's restaurant on Third Avenue for dinner about 9:15 p.m., after a twilight run - and was told they're only open until 8:00! They didn't extend hours during Riverfest? Not even to sell discounted funnel cakes??

Another mini-surprise came as I walked to Kimball's - as a man stood and hollered in a parking lot on Second Avenue. Only later did I realize he was shouting, "PARKING PLACE!" Since it was the Villa Nova package store's lot, I almost walked over to him to say he'd had one too many beers.

The surprises even stretched into this Sunday morning. I went out for breakfast - and came home to find a shattered, blood-strewn tortoise shell in the driveway not far from my back door. The gangs in this neighborhood must have a small budget....

Other brief items I've meant to mention from the past few days:

+ Russ Hollenbeck, the man Doug Kellett loved to call "a-k-a Jerry Garcia," was named the permanent host of WRCG's "Talkline." With his T-shirts and ponytail hair, conservatives might flock to WDAK like never before.

+ The Saturday night WRBL 11:00 p.m. newscast had NO sports section. Regular sports anchor Jack Rodgers was busy
leading C-P-R courses at Riverfest, while Thomas Forester seems to have disappeared. Is he finally getting a hair transplant or something?

+ The Sunday radio broadcast from Eastern Heights Baptist Church featured a message by a young man as nervous as you'll ever hear. He kept asking things like, "Anybody here ever of a man named Noah?" Then it was Cain and Abel, then Job. For a man telling us to "step out in faith toward God," he sounded like Peter ready to sink in the water.

+ In a "Yahoo Pyramids" game room, someone commented the cards were bad. To which we replied, "Yeah. I haven't spotted a single Iraqi yet."

(Not long after that, one person in the game room wrote he/she was from southwestern Ontario. I couldn't resist replying, "I didn't bring a breathing mask to the computer, so please be careful.")

BURKARD'S BLOG

24 APR 03: SPINNING MY WHEELS

The "Tour de Georgia" bicycle race came to Columbus this afternoon. I wasn't sure whether to watch this or not - since they
haven't changed that French-sounding name.

It's not just the Tour de Georgia, of course. It's the "DODGE Tour de Georgia." Yes, a bicycle race is sponsored by a car
company. So why can't Dodge make cars which get gas mileage as good as a bike?

(Which reminds me: I filled my gas tank at Summit on Victory Drive today - and the price is down to $1.32 a gallon! Be sure to thank the woman behind the counter for these lower prices. The boss finally may be listening to her.)

Today's stage of the Tour de Georgia stretched from Macon to Columbus. My Pastor lives in the Macon area and makes this
circuit all the time, but I'm not sure he'd be in support of this bike race. After all, these athletes are pedaling all those miles -- simply for money. Sin!!!!

The Columbus part of the road course rolled past the main Post Office on Milgen Road, as well as the co-sponsor "Tidwell Cancer Treatment Center" on Warm Springs Road. We suppose this is because of Tour de France champion and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong. So why was the finish line at the Civic Center - and not a mile-and-a-half down the road, at Carl Gregory Dodge?

The road course passed within one block of my apartment, but I decided to walk to the RiverCenter to be around more spectators and scenery. On Fifth Street was a crew from Strickland Tree Service, with a big tree chopped into large-sized pieces of the trunk. Now THAT would make things interesting - a surprise obstacle course.

(One of the crew members had a long pole in his hand. I'm not sure what it was really for - but he called it a "spoke catcher.")

The turnout was small around the RiverCenter on Broadway - a couple of dozen spectators, I'd guess. We saw quite a show,
starting with a group of police motorcycles rushing by. This doesn't seem fair to the bicyclists - unless they're like the "rabbit" at a greyhound track.

Then came not one, but TWO long groups of patrol cars - from the city of Columbus and the Georgia State Patrol. We were so impressed by the sight that we didn't realize we'd be helpless if someone picked our pocket.

At last the cyclist came spinning by - and on this day, there was no breakaway leader. The entire pack of bikes passed us in about 20 seconds. It was somewhat like a NASCAR race - only with the pace cars making all the noises.

The team cars followed the bikers, with two or three spare bikes hooked on top. Either they're substitute cycles if something
goes wrong - or I should have stood at the finish line for the post-race giveaway.

An Italian cyclist won today's stage. When you think about it, the Italians ought to win these races all the time - since they're so famous for eating pasta, they're loaded with extra carbs.

One man received the "King of the Mountain" jersey at the finish line - a white shirt with polka dots shaped like peaches. This tour should be thankful Mister Blackwell doesn't live anywhere in Georgia.

One benefit of the Tour de Georgia's stop in Columbus is that Riverfest opened at South Commons Thursday night, one night earlier than usual. This annual street fair promises a "world-class midway." Isn't that phrase an oxymoron -- sort of like a supermarket selling "world-class lard?"

The Tour de Georgia moves on tomorrow, with a stage heading north to Rome. In fact, it will start at Callaway Gardens, not Columbus. Can't these bikers go uphill to Harris County? Wimps....

The Tour de Georgia stop brought back all sorts of memories. One of my first interviews at a Kansas City radio station was with a group of four bikers on a cross-country trip, promoting Indian guru Sri Chinmoy. I kept waiting for the guys to do something weird, like speak in a strange language or pedal with their legs crossed.

One of those cyclists even gave me a small leaflet, with "Four Cycling Songs of Sri Chinmoy." I only recall one of those songs - which started, "Cycling, cycling, cycling," and ended with the singer holding "speed-HIGH!!!!!" for about 16 beats. The only good reason I can imagine for singing this would be to drown out honking cars and trucks behind you on the road.

When I was a boy, I dreamed an event like the Tour de Georgia would develop someday. I had a pretend summer-long circuit set up in my mind -- the "Cycletron" tour across Kansas. I didn't drink diet colas back then, so never thought about having it sponsored by "cyclamates."

(Come to think of it -- did I ever tell anyone about this idea? Is it too late to sue, for stealing an intellectual trademark?)

BLOG UPDATE: The Wal-Mart ALLEGEDLY "Super" Center is in my personal doghouse at the moment. I took a single-use camera there Tuesday, for one-hour film developing. The manager put it in a bag - and now it's disappeared! They should reserve the magic tricks for greeters only.

Apparently my envelope of pictures was taken from a tray on the counter at the one-hour photo stand. I'm not sure who would do this - because I certainly haven't noticed any North Korean secret agents in Columbus and Phenix City, since I declared war on that country. (11 Jan)

(If someone is holding this envelope for ransom - no, I am not dating the good-looking women's basketball coach on a couple of the shots.) (15 Jan)

I called the photo stand this morning to see if someone turned the pictures in - and no one had. But the manager said, "You made me move my pictures off the front counter." Now hold on a minute - I did this? I simply asked for my photos, I didn't steal them.

BURKARD'S BLOG

22 APR 03: WAR AND A LITTLE PEACE

Today is Day 34 of the War! With!! IRAQ!!! The TV station where I work still is using "War" graphics and language.
Our bosses may be the only journalists left on Earth who believe the Iraqi Information Minister's version.

My TV station also has a "station identification" message at the top of the hour that says, "Bless Our Troops." I see this
and wonder - WHO should bless our troops? Any "Being" in particular?

Yesterday afternoon the showers passed, making it a nice day to drive around Columbus. For starters, I made my first visit
to the religious college in town - "Beacon College and Graduate School." Excuse me for asking a silly question, but
shouldn't that make it Beacon University?

Then it was a short "hop" to Target for half-price Easter chocolate. This year, M&M's had something I'd never noticed
before - "speckled egg" chocolate candies. Now THAT'S a creative way to re-label the defects at the factory....

It's not far from Target to Lake Oliver, where I jogged on that part of the Riverwalk for the first time in three months.
But this course is SO unfair. If it's going to be downhill heading south, there has to be a downhill version going back north.

As I headed north on the Riverwalk, I came upon a woman walking her large black dog - well really, letting the dog roam
freely all over the place. It's a good thing I was tired and mostly walking at that point. Asphalt stains are really hard to get
off T-shirts.

The dog decided to probe around me, so I stopped my walking to avoid anything confrontational. "He won't hurt," the
woman assured me - only hours before the 11:00 p.m. news reported on a dog attacking a seven-year-old in Russell County.

The dog was running around on its own, even though the woman held a leash in her hand. "No leash?" I asked. "It has a
leash," she replied. "Yes, but it's not ON a leash," I noted - trying to jokingly smile as best I could as I said that, but
wondering if this woman uses this same sort of logic when it comes to paying her bills.

A sign at the Riverwalk entrance clearly says: "LEASHES REQUIRED IN PUBLIC PARKS." Well, the woman with her
big black dog HAD one - only she didn't use it. It's a bit like what some college students do with their brains....

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

20 APR 03: LA BOMB-A

Many people are marking Easter Sunday today - but I have a question for them. Why doesn't some TV channel mark the day by showing the forgotten Dustin Hoffman movie "Ishtar?" That IS where the word Easter came from....

Speaking of (ahem) bombs: as I took a late-afternoon walk this weekend along Front Avenue, I saw a car filled with prom-goers. Only instead of a limousine, they rode in a LONG red finned convertible that looked like it was from 1960. Before "the bomb" meant something good, that car was a bomb.

As some of you may know, the church denomination I attend does NOT keep Easter. My Pastor suggested over the weekend people who wear "Easter bonnets" are guilty of pride, when they should show godly humility. I may never buy Blue Bonnet margarine again.

(We're SO STRICT about this in my congregation that we're even against winter storms -- those "Nor'Easters.")

I met some women over the weekend, though, who might have benefited from bonnets. They were in line ahead of me at a
Taco Bell - and one of a grandmotherly age had a FULL moustache! It was so obvious that Wayne Bennett would have asked her to shave it off.

No, I did NOT say anything to these two women with moustaches. I only looked long enough to confirm what I thought I saw - but stopped short of suggesting they get jobs on the Riverfest midway next weekend.

17 APR 03: A TIME OF THANKSGIVING

Thank you, Pizza Hut, for sending a flyer with 18 different coupons to my mailbox Wednesday. But after noticing all 18 coupons have an expiration date of March 31 - thank you at least for keeping the Postal Service afloat. [True!]

Thank you, Shoney's, for your helpful motel discount bulletins just inside the front door of your restaurant. But when your Phenix City, Alabama restaurant has bulletins for Kentucky, a one-day drive and two states away - well, who's trying to work himself through school filling those racks?

Thank you, Bludau's, for a lovely and elegant Wednesday night dinner with church friends. And since you're a French restaurant, special thanks for appealing to local patriots by putting New York strip steak on your menu....

(Given Bludau's prices, the last thing I expected to find on this fine French menu was "freedom fries.")

Thank you, Mrs. M, (full name available on request) for revealing a new phrase to me at that Bludau's dinner. You're truly a Southern native -- to call squash, broccoli, artichokes, and similar things "Yankee vegetables."

Thank you, Al Fleming, for your Wednesday TV commentary taking WRBL and WTVM to task for their failures in local news coverage. But considering your station WLTZ doesn't even have a news department - why don't you criticize them even more?

(By the way, why didn't Al Fleming complain a bit more about WRBL when he did commentaries there? He was upset about the New Year's baby born to an unwed mother, but besides that....)

Thank you, WRBL, for reporting the eagle's cage will not be outside Auburn University's football stadium next fall. But how could you call it "Beard-Eaves Stadium" when the video clearly had a "Jordan-Hare Stadium" sign on it - and how did the news anchors who have lived in this area for years never even notice it?

Thank you, Atlanta Falcons Youth Foundation, for your $75,000 grant to Girls Inc. of Phenix City-Russell County to build a new athletic complex. But considering the project will have softball fields, a soccer field and a walking trail, but NO field for U.S.-style football [True/WTVM] - what sort of message are you really sending?

(And when your giant-sized check at a news conference spells Russell County with only one L - shouldn't you be donating money to education programs instead?)

Thank you, Columbus historic preservationists, for the fund-raisers you've done to renovate the Fifth Avenue home of blues legend Ma Rainey. But when I drove by that house Wednesday, paint was peeling badly from the front wall - so how much money did the singers at those benefit concerts REALLY get?

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

17 APR 03: A TIME OF THANKSGIVING

Thank you, Pizza Hut, for sending a flyer with 18 different coupons to my mailbox Wednesday. But after noticing all 18 coupons have an expiration date of March 31 - thank you at least for keeping the Postal Service afloat. [True!]

Thank you, Shoney's, for your helpful motel discount bulletins just inside the front door of your restaurant. But when your Phenix City, Alabama restaurant has bulletins for Kentucky, a one-day drive and two states away - well, who's trying to work himself through school filling those racks?

Thank you, Bludau's, for a lovely and elegant Wednesday night dinner with church friends. And since you're a French restaurant, special thanks for appealing to local patriots by putting New York strip steak on your menu....

(Given Bludau's prices, the last thing I expected to find on this fine French menu was "freedom fries.")

Thank you, Mrs. M, (full name available on request) for revealing a new phrase to me at that Bludau's dinner. You're truly a Southern native -- to call squash, broccoli, artichokes, and similar things "Yankee vegetables."

Thank you, Al Fleming, for your Wednesday TV commentary taking WRBL and WTVM to task for their failures in local news coverage. But considering your station WLTZ doesn't even have a news department - why don't you criticize them even more?

(By the way, why didn't Al Fleming complain a bit more about WRBL when he did commentaries there? He was upset about the New Year's baby born to an unwed mother, but besides that....)

Thank you, WRBL, for reporting the eagle's cage will not be outside Auburn University's football stadium next fall. But how could you call it "Beard-Eaves Stadium" when the video clearly had a "Jordan-Hare Stadium" sign on it - and how did the news anchors who have lived in this area for years never even notice it?

Thank you, Atlanta Falcons Youth Foundation, for your $75,000 grant to Girls Inc. of Phenix City-Russell County to build a new athletic complex. But considering the project will have softball fields, a soccer field and a walking trail, but NO field for U.S.-style football [True/WTVM] - what sort of message are you really sending?

(And when your giant-sized check at a news conference spells Russell County with only one L - shouldn't you be donating money to education programs instead?)

Thank you, Columbus historic preservationists, for the fund-raisers you've done to renovate the Fifth Avenue home of blues legend Ma Rainey. But when I drove by that house Wednesday, paint was peeling badly from the front wall - so how much money did the singers at those benefit concerts REALLY get?

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

16 APR 03: FOND FAREWELLS

This day feels a bit strange to me. My spring cleaning ended yesterday. My church congregation doesn't begin the Days of
Unleavened Bread until tonight, after taking communion last night. So when I went running this morning, I ran south on the Riverwalk - AWAY from all the bagel and doughnut shops.

It's a tradition in the church I attend to put all leaven out of your house for the Days of Unleavened Bread, which are mentioned in the Bible. I finished this year in record time - a day and five hours early! It's wonderful to discover that vacuum cleaner cord stretches so far into the oven.

I finished cleaning so early I took the last bag of trash not only out of my apartment complex, but out of state! I left it in Idle Hour Park in Phenix City - where I might actually find it when the spring season is over.

(The thrill of leaving my trash in another state is hard to explain. It's the closest I'll ever come to leaving a puppy dog along the side of a desert highway.)

I'm still pondering another departure I arranged Monday - one I stumbled into, really. I bought a homeless man a bus ticket to California to see his ailing mother. He had better not missed that bus - because if I see him on a street corner again, I'll ask for at least a 50-percent cut of his profits.

"HOMELESS, HUNGRY AND SICK" read the sign the man held up on the sidewalk on Brown Avenue, near a Piggly Wiggly store. I could have bought him food for his hunger - but I'm probably the only person in Columbus who still remembers the five-year-old Rainbow/PUSH boycott of those stores.

I decided to pull into the Piggly Wiggly parking lot and talk to the man, since I hadn't encountered any beggars all winter. This is a switch - because usually they come to me like I'm wearing a bit word "SUCKER" on all my T-shirts.

I'm now prepared for encounters with beggars - by carrying a card from the local Task Force on the Homeless listing resources. Yet this man knew the names of every shelter in Columbus, and had explanations for why he wasn't at any of them. Either he's really a bad guy, or the staff felt insulted by all his education.

Randy was the beggar's name - and he openly admitted he's a convicted felon. Why don't I wait to meet these people until Tuesday, when I can watch Crimestoppers reports first?

Randy explained he'd been barred from the Valley Rescue Mission for misdeeds of some sort, and didn't have the money to spend a fifth night at the Salvation Army. I should have offered to pay for his next night right there - but I totally forgot about the good-looking woman named Ysivette I met there awhile back on a news story.

With all of Randy's options seemingly closed, I started wondering if I should take him in personally. For some reason, the shelters around town never mention this alternative - for YOU to house them, and help them meet their budgets....

As I offered possible options out loud, Randy suddenly offered a solution: "I'm trying to get a bus ticket to see my sick mother in California." What a golden opportunity! Instead of telling a homeless beggar to get lost and leave town, I personally could do it FOR him.

So I let Randy get into the car and we drove to the downtown bus station. He explained during the trip he'd come to Columbus to work with his relatives, and they scammed him. "I guess I should know better than to work with my family," he said. This didn't sound right to me - until later, when I remembered how many times my brother asked me to work with him while I was on vacation.

Randy's ailing mom lives in Redding, California, which he said was "just north of Sacramento." To which I replied to his surprise: "JUST north? About 180 miles." [True!] Why this didn't set off alarm bells about the accuracy of the rest of his story, I have no idea....

So how much does a bus ride cost from Columbus to Redding, to send a homeless man out of town? I wound up paying 166
dollars! I somehow thought Greyhound was still the "68 or less" bus line - but of course, that was before the warfare in Iraq drove up fuel prices.

Randy left his "homeless, hungry and sick" sign beyond a trash can outside the bus station. I never did find out what his sickness was. He seemed to walk well enough - so maybe he was like other beggars, it was pathological lying.

The alarm bells about beggars didn't go off until after I drove away. I wound up returning to the bus station on my way home from another errand. The good news: I used a credit card to charge Randy's bus ride - so any refund would go back to my credit card. The bad news: if my entire credit card number was on the receipt, Randy's probably eaten at four-star restaurants the last couple of nights.

Oh yes, before I forget - goodbye, Kansas coach Roy Williams. Have fun at North Carolina. It's too bad they wouldn't rename the field house "Allen-Williams," after you got the Athletic Director fired.

(P.S., Coach Williams - did the folks at North Carolina forget to tell you you're now in the same conference with Duke's Mike Krzyzweski? You'll get to lose to him a lot more often.)

8 APR 03: ORANGE YOU UPSET

It's a conspiracy, I tell you. Orange-colored cleaners are all the rage in stores. Orange traffic cones are put up at road construction sites. And now those cheatin' refs have robbed my beloved Kansas Jayhawks, by giving the men's basketball title to a bunch of guys in ORANGE shirts!

(It's only fitting, you know - since orange is the color worn by so many prison inmates....)

It was a night of sulking at my workplace, after Kansas missed a three-point shot at the siren and lost to Syracuse. I wore a K.U. cap to work to show my support - but wound up symbolizing the final score by plopping an orange on top of it at my computer.

(I peeled open that orange during the night, but I simply couldn't bring myself to eat any of it. I'm like the Iraqi Information Minister right now -- still in the denial stage.)

I don't call the Syracuse teams the Orange-MEN, by the way. That's SO sexist. They were the Orange Persons for awhile -- but now I borrow from the Trix commercials. They're simply the "Orange Orange."

Did you see "gentleman" Coach Roy Williams' post-game interview with CBS's Bonnie Bernstein? He uttered a normally-bleeped expletive, when asked about the open job at North Carolina. Maybe Williams should learn a lesson from Atlantic Coast Conference coaches - and have the assistants answer the questions on radio and TV.

To make things worse, Coach Williams pandered to Bonnie Bernstein when she asked a follow-up question about North Carolina. He said, "Somebody in the truck is telling you in your ear to ask that question...." Can't he tell Bonnie Bernstein apart from Jill Arrington?

To be a "fair and balanced" journalist, I had a short clip of the Kansas-Syracuse final in the works for the 6:00 a.m. news - but I had to drop it for time, because of a live George W. Bush-Tony Blair news conference. Sometimes I regret dropping news stories. This was NOT one of those times....

Let's see - what else has happened while I've been busy rooting for the Jayhawks and continuing spring cleaning?

+ Cascade Hills Baptist Church had a weekend sermon on "EGO - Edge God Out." Only the graphics on the screen misspelled "Edge" as "Egde!" This may show what they think of a worldly education.

+ WRCG Radio fired talk show host Doug Graham, before his planned resignation date. The bosses must think he's so conservative that he'll bring in Fort Benning tanks for a final sendoff.

(Doug Graham reportedly called my TV station, WTVM, to see if there are any openings for news anchors. After the negative things he said last fall about Cheryl Morgan and her husband, he'd do well to get a job filling the vending machines.)

+ The South Georgia Waves' opening home baseball game at Golden Park was rained out for the second night in a row. If it keeps raining like it has lately, that nickname actually might be fitting.

2 APR 03: BUSY SEASON

Apologies for not updating this blog in awhile -- and things may be hit-and-miss for the next couple of weeks. At work, we've been busy covering the warfare. At home, I've been busy with spring cleaning. And thankfully, I have NOT become confused - and hurled trash bags across property lines at anybody.

I've been keeping an overnight "war blog" at the TV station where I work - putting in new details on Operation Iraqi Freedom as they happen. Tonight we can report there are now TWO U.S. media casualties in 12 days: Connie Chung and Peter Arnett.

What WAS Peter Arnett thinking when he agreed to be interviewed by Iraqi television? Fox News Channel may have the motto, "We report, you decide" - but in Iraq it's more like: "We distort, it's already decided."

(If Peter Arnett wanted to make comments against the warfare, there's a much more appropriate place for that - The New
York Times.)

Be thankful my overnight tape editor isn't a journalist in Iraq. Early Monday, he offered the theory that Israelis are racists
and "all Jews basically look alike." What makes this comment more amazing was that he's NOT African-American, and does NOT belong to Operation PUSH.

I upset this tape editor a few nights ago when he commented upon seeing a rap star that he's "still in the ghetto." I called
such a comment borderline racism - and I was taken to task for taking his remarks too seriously. Did I miss something, or did the movie "Bringing Down the House" change all the rules?

Given what happened before, I took a different approach to the tape editor's comments about Israelis and Jews. I suggested I don't buy into "conspiracy theories," and said some people see things differently. I stopped short of saying about 95 percent of them did....

As for the cleaning: I have a few minutes to blog because I finally finished cleaning the computer room. It took about a week-and-a-half because there were so many papers, so much dust - and so much e-mail spam that kept building.

It's great to have all the scattered papers from the floor of this computer room arranged at last. My next job is the living room - and moving half of the papers I left in there back in here.

(I have a theory that this is genetic. A few years ago at my brother's house, he had so many papers scattered on HIS office
floor that I felt I'd somehow sent wrong messages to him.)

While we're here for a break before cleaning resumes, let's get caught up on some local topics:

+ Fellini's on First restaurant downtown wants to serve beer and wine. Columbus State University, which has property nearby, is opposed - while the nearby First Presbyterian Church has no position on it. These restaurant owners should be thankful they're not next to a Baptist church.

+ The Save-A-Lot grocery store in Phenix City closed, after about two years in business with the lowest prices in the area.
I'm saddened by this - but at least co-workers won't mock me anymore for bringing "Bubba Cola" to work.

(A staff member told me Save-A-Lot plans to open three new stores in Columbus in the next year. I sure hope so - because I may have to surrender to the Wal-Mart behemoth.)

+ Newscasters around the area kept pronouncing the country under fire in a true Southern accent - "eye-rack." I thought that's where you picked your glasses, after the vision exam.

+ Good old KANSAS made the NCAA men's Final Four for the second year in a row - and I'm thinking the Jayhawks actually could win the whole thing. They have the advantage of experience. They beat Texas during the regular season. And Roy Williams is patriotic enough to keep all his players out of the FRENCH Quarter.

20 MAR 03: IRAQ, YOU ROCK, WE ALL ROCK

Today's top story on WRBL's 5:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. news was, of course - a deadly tornado in southwest Georgia, about 100 miles away from Columbus. Perhaps that station really DOES think the fighting in Iraq is a video game.

Perhaps WRBL figured viewers had their fill of warfare-related news, and needed something different. But I can't help wondering about this station. Sunday night at 11:00 p.m., after the Azores summit and the Presidential "moment of truth" announcement, WRBL led with the NCAA basketball pairings. [True!]

Our station had a "war plan," with my job (naturally) being to update the web site as warranted. I hurried in with a big bag of oranges I bought the other day, to share with the crew. Little did I know nobody else brought anything. The management didn't even open the stashed boxes of Meals-Ready-to-Eat.

I posted on a TV news message board how "Entertainment Tonight" might be covering the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom:

+ Jann Carl: "We are FIRST in our PRIME position on the Iraqi side of the border - and here comes Tommy Franks! EWWWWW!"

+ Maria Menounos: "While the soldiers prepared for battle, we watched how they prepared their outfits. We're counting down the five best-dressed battalions!"

+ Paula Abdul: "Oh-oh - NOW Simon's done it! Blair-bashing is coming up!"

Other thoughts on the beginning of the bombing of Baghdad:

+ Have you seen CBS's spinning of reporters' faces on the Evening News? Every time I see it, I want to add merry-go-round calliope music to it.

(Either that, or I wait for one of this squares to say "Bankrupt.")

+ If a reporter is going to do a live report wearing a gas mask at an "undisclosed location," why do we even bother to name him? Shouldn't we call him "Reporter X" like pro wrestlers?

+ Is it really a good idea for President Bush to call his allies a "Coalition of the Willing?" Those initials spell C-O-W.

+ A war protester in New York's Times Square was heard on ABC News shouting, "This war will be the last." Just wait till that person see what could be planned for North Korea....

17 MAR 03: THE END OF THE ROAD

President Bush gave his final ultimatum to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein tonight. It was such a Texan moment - about the only thing missing was someone singing the theme from the movie "High Noon."

(OK, CBS - if there's a 48-hour deadline on Saddam Hussein, why don't you suspend all programming and show "48 Hours" for awhile?)

I personally take no pleasure in seeing war come. I'm a Christian, who believes in Jesus Christ as "Prince of Peace." It gets confusing when my Pastor goes to other Bible verses, where God calls Himself a "Man of War." Is this a "good cop - bad cop" thing?

The church I attend loves to look forward to Christ's return, bringing 1,000 years of peace on earth. Yet my Pastor lately has been criticizing anti-war protesters as "nambies." He's stopped short of saying they're "namby-pamby" - which is strange, since no one in our congregation is named Pam.

The last few days have marked a different sort of end for me. I filed the city papers to close the LaughLine web site. They decided NOT to refund the 82 cents in property tax I had coming back.

(It's not easy to sit in the property tax office and tell the man, "I am a dot-com failure." But at least I didn't tell him I'm a failure in romance, too.)

As I walked through the Government Center basement parking lot, I couldn't help noticing a spot marked for a "Treasure Vehicle." [True!] This was news to me - that pirates dumped buried treasure in the Chattahoochee River years ago.

I've also been looking back a bit recently, as last week marked ten years since the blizzard of 1993. I'll always remember it for several reasons:

+ A former roommate trudging through the piles of snow from across the street, bundled up so much I almost didn't recognize him - all to borrow a cup of flour.

+ The exercise I received at sunset shoveling away show on my sidewalk and around my tires with a snow shovel SO BIG it probably will pick up half of the next snow in Columbus at one time.

+ Driving in the snow to Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport - and going jogging that evening IN MY SHORTS inside the long underground Transportation Mall. After the last couple of years, that's probably impossible now. Security guards would be waiting at every other door to ask questions.

10 MAR 03: UG-HHHHH!-A

Couldn't help noticing tonight that members of the University of Georgia Alumni Association answered phones during GPTV pledge breaks. How many Georgia Tech grads called just to say two words: "Jim Harrick" ?!

(And they were answering phones during lectures on money by Suzie Orman. What was her first law again - to be TRUTHFUL about your finances?!?!)

The University of Georgia men's basketball team disqualified itself from all post-season tournaments, amid allegations that coach Jim Harrick paid money to players. Well, maybe we shouldn't say ALL post-season tournaments. They could get together with St. Bonaventure and Michigan....

Curiously, Jim Harrick's son was fired from the UGA staff a few days ago - but the head coach officially is "suspended" for now. Some alums probably are ready to suspend him, too. From the highest tree in Athens....

Jim Harrick's main accuser is former Georgia basketball player Tony Cole. Cole was charged with rape, but was acquitted. Now a Georgia judge has an arrest warrant out, because Cole may have bounced a rent check. So?! Basketball players bounce things all the time....

But wait, there's more! Three Georgia basketball players reportedly took a "phony class." For most college students in good shape, this could have been any physical education course.

Great basketball trivia question: who did Jim Harrick replace at Georgia? The answer is the forgettable Ron Jirsa - who was fired after two winning seasons, and two appearances in the N.I.T. Maybe UGA now will return to an old, washed-up concept: winning, but NOT at any cost.

Thankfully, the Columbus State men's basketball team is above board. It won the Peach Belt conference title, and now hopes to host a Division Two regional. Coach Herb Greene said his team was "ready for the next level...." So when are they playing the N.B.D.L. Riverdragons?

9 MAR 03: LOOSE ENDS AND BEGINNINGS

We may finally have resolved the issue of what a "hemi" is. [14 Jan] At church this weekend, two men explained it was a metal rod Dodge put in the engine years ago to increase compression, so drivers would have more power With my humble Honda, "increased compression" means you move the seat closer to the steering wheel.

The issue came up as several men at church were discussing a "concept motorcycle" they saw in the newspaper. It has two wheels in front, two in back, with the seat on a hump in the middle. Didn't they call this years ago a convertible?

This weekend marks the start of spring cleaning for me -- a process I allocate five-and-a-half weeks to do. Now if Saddam Hussein will kindly cooperate and resign, so I don't lose any days to a war....

(Which reminds me: was it Britain's idea to set the deadline for Iraq at March 17 - Saint Patrick's Day? Where is the outrage from the Irish at this? Civil rights groups protested at the Kuwait deadline of January 15, 1991 being Martin Luther King's birthday.)

My cleaning traditionally begins in the bathroom -- with an hour spent last night simply on the bathtub area. It takes so long because I keep dreaming the shower water somehow will rinse all the soap scum away.

I took a Sunday drive to Auburn-Opelika today, because that area has Kroger stores while Columbus does not. But you'd better carry a "Kroger Plus" card, or you'll pay about 30 percent more for everything. It's sort of like Sam's Club, only without screeners at the door.

Sometimes the spelling errors at Kroger amaze me. The sign in the produce section said "Hokay Tomatoes" - even though the label clearly says "Hokee." Maybe this is why Kroger doesn't sell eyeglasses.

On the way home, I passed the Denny's restaurant in Opelika - well, it was. It's now closed, even though a district manager told me weeks ago at the TV station a closing was a false rumor spread by a "disgruntled employee." Maybe that employee knew three-fourths of the customers.

To top off the afternoon, my old alma mater Kansas came from behind in the last two minutes to beat Missouri, and win the Big XII Championship! It makes me want to sing: "Oh, Columbia's the GERM of Missouri...."

5 MAR 03: ONE QUESTION TOO MANY

The letters section of today's Ledge-Enquirer confirmed what I'd suspected for more than a week - I wrote a question for my TV station's "Viewer Line" which offended some people. The strange thing is, the question had nothing to do with the Georgia flag....

In the 6:00 a.m. newscast I've been producing, I showed an ABC report on a U.S. air base in Saudi Arabia. This base has a Burger King, a Pizza Inn and a Baskin-Robbins on site. If some of those were covertly set up inside Baghdad, Saddam Hussein might have died from obesity by now.

After the report, I asked the viewers in a script to call with their thoughts about an overseas air base with so many perks. "Do they help boost morale?" I asked. But then I added: "Are today's armed forces spoiled?" Uh oh - the way some people are reacting to that, I might as well have changed all the "Veterans Parkway" signs in town back to 4^th Avenue.

One letter writer in the newspaper declared the second question, "The most ignorant question ever." Apparently that's even worse than a single guy asking online, "Am I hot or not?"

Several people apparently felt personally insulted by a question asking if the armed forces are spoiled - when my point really was to bring calls to the "Viewer Line." Trouble is, none of the calls have been played on the air yet. What was that Watergate line - "twisting slowly, slowly in the wind" ?!

We're down a bit in staffing at the TV station right now, which may explain why the Viewer Line calls have not been aired yet. But based on the letters in the paper, I think I can fairly guess the answer to the spoiled military question. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

I first suspected the question touched a nerve when I received e-mail from my supervisor the next night. It says from now on, all Viewer Line 9 questions must have her approval. For an all-nighter like me, it's a no-win situation. Either my question makes her angry - or I call her at midnight for approval of the question, and she gets angry for waking her up.

(It should be noted my TV station's web site has had a poll question posted about a war with Iraq for more than three weeks. I don't dare touch that one now, either -- but then, I'm the only one who still remembers it enough to post results on the air.)

Perhaps it's just me, but the focus in our station's evening news lately has been on flag-waving and soldier support. Local people against a war with Iraq don't seem to get much air time - perhaps out of fear someone from Fort Benning will hold a live-fire exercise on their block.

If any reader here is offended that I posted a question asking if the armed forces are spoiled, I apologize. This issue apparently proves when people say, "There are no stupid questions," other people consider that a stupid answer.

3 MAR 03: REVENGE OF THE BIRDS

Today officially has been declared by Columbus Council "News Three On Your Side Day." I think I can understand why - but keep one thing in mind. 3 + 03 + 03 = 9.

I wrapped up work on the overnight shift so quickly that I was home by 7:50 a.m., and in bed a touch after 8:00. But at 11:55 a.m., a sudden rattling awakened me. Oh, no! The Iraqi invaders have drooped paratroopers, to launch the pre-emptive strike....

No wait, that's not what the noise was. Another bird was in the house -- and this time took up position at my bedroom window sill. If this keeps up, I may have to rent that Alfred Hitchcock movie to learn how to keep them out.

Unlike last week, this bird apparently got in the house through a vent tube over the kitchen stove. I'd heard a noise from that area Sunday - but how can you really tell a bird's rattle from a rat's noise?

(Two vent drops in one week - do these birds think I run a theme park or something?)

I hurried out of bird - er, bed - and persuaded the bird to head out the front door to freedom. Then it was 12:05 p.m., and I struggled to get back to sleep. Perhaps it was because my anxiety about that bird reminded me too much of my romantic relationships.

I awakened officially about 2:30 p.m. - and found the kitchen in a bit of disarray. Apparently the bird searched for a way out there, before deciding to explore my sleeping quarters. I had a cat like that years ago - and it grew so desperate it started ripping my running shoes for attention.

A review of the bird's damage found some coupons off the kitchen table and on the floor. Some aluminum foil I use for wrapping meat and heating burritos had a hole in it. And yes, there WERE a couple of "spots" to give the bird away.

Later in the afternoon, I went for a jog. And on the way home, I found Carver and Spencer high school's teams playing at the Golden Park baseball stadium. It was hard to believe - a crowd of fans even smaller than the RedStixx used to draw.

And one other thing: have you seen the latest Captain D's commercial, with the woman in the restaurant talking about all the ways they prepare fish? I'm sorry -- but I've never seen a Captain D's with THAT many white folks inside. Not in Columbus, at least....

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

2 MAR 03: "SIEMPRE EN DOMINGO"

My Sunday schedule was filled with three-letter words. "TAX" for working on my taxes. "CUT" for my hair. "SEW" for buttons falling off shirts. "BRO" for calling my brother. And of course, "GAS" - because Rush Limbaugh just might be right about an Iraqi war starting.

I arose this morning to a big surprise - as AM radio's "Sports Monster" [WMLF 1270 AM] was broadcasting in Spanish. I knew ESPN Radio's Dan Le Betard liked salsa music, but THIS much?!

It turns out the sports-talk station is now presenting Spanish programs eight hours a weekend - as "Ritmo Latino Radio." At least they did one thing to satisfy the sports fans - by having someone yell, "GOOOOOOOOL!" at the top of their lungs.

Ever the journalist, I called Ritmo Latino Radio to get the scoop for you blog readers. The man at the other end said it's on from 8:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon Saturday and Sunday - with hopes of expanding the hours soon. If I were the home-spun Coach B.R. Johnson who normally is on at noon, I'd be a little nervous....

(Ritmo Latino Radio IS a local show in Spanish -- which no doubt will scare all the conservatives in town, if they stumble on to it.)

Personally, I have no problem with radio stations broadcasting in Spanish. The music usually is nice and dancible. I understand the language well enough to keep up with some of the conversation. And I don't know the dirty words, to be offended by nasty stuff.

Some people have trouble with Spanish, of course. There's a TV ad in town, for instance, encouraging people to dine in non-smoking restaurants - and the announcer says at the end with no inflection at all, "Se habla Español." When I hear it said like that, I like to respond: "OK - Habla Español."

BLOG UPDATE: I promised to tell you more about the self-admitted "crazy man on the corner" who called the TV station the other night. (27 Feb) The caller's name was Michael, and he said he's a retired Army Sergeant with an "honorable discharge." Without my even asking, he defined "honorable" as, "to die for a cause." I wonder how many "honorable mentions" on sports teams would define it that way.

Michael offered a scattershot of thoughts -- including criticism of the weather announcer on NBC-38 (NOT my station) for "insulting children." I never had an opportunity to ask what the comment was. Did he encourage youngsters to jump in a rain puddle or something?

Michael says instead of going after Iraq, the U.S. should "clean up our own house" first - for instance, by taking shows such as Jerry Springer and "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" off the air. He'll he pleased to know the Celebrity show is only on 15 nights in a row. It just seems like months.

Michael called shortly before air time - so as he continued his diatribe at 5:56 a.m., I mentioned I was four minutes from the news. "You know what four means to me? Abraham Lincoln," he replied. Inflation HAS hit the nickel and the five-dollar bill, hasn't it?

But no, that's NOT what the caller meant. The Lincoln Memorial has four sides, he explained - while the Jefferson Memorial is round. I guess I was supposed to find some deep significance in that. Was Thomas Jefferson more well-rounded as a President?!

I tried to seek clarification on several points -- but was called a "smart**s" when I did. After all, we're told the customer IS always right. Get two customers with different opinions together, though, and they might forget that point.

By the way, not even I was immune from Michael's criticism. My first name "Richard" meant to him, "white man." Only too late did I think of Detroit Pistons basketball star Richard Hamilton....

E-MAIL UPDATE: A friend of ours in town offers this reply to what the morning Videographer said about the death of Mr. Rogers:

My daughter Olivia can top that.... We were watching the Obit on Peter Jennings, who was showing a clip of Mr. Rogers. Liv quipped, "That's right; he finished the show and died...." Not exactly honey.

Too bad it didn't happen that way -- with him getting one last word.

27 FEB 03: IT HAPPENED ONE OVERNIGHT

Since Columbus isn't that big a city, the newsroom phones aren't bombarded with calls at all hours of the night. But even
a few calls can make the night memorable - especially when one man refers to himself as "the crazy man on the corner."

I'll get to that man - but let's take the events of the last overnight shift in order:

+ 10:30 p.m.: I arrive at the newsroom, and try to contact someone with the Auburn Peace Project to respond to President
Bush's "vision" speech on Iraq. The calls bring no response - so perhaps members needed to sleep, after spending all day bombarding Congress with phone calls.

+ 11:02 p.m.: "Cory" calls, asking for the evening reporter - a woman who's out on a story. He never leaves a message
with me, because I'm simply not sexy enough for his pick-up lines.

+ 11:15 p.m.: During the 11:00 p.m. news, a concerned caller says she thought the Female Anchor said "2000" in a news
story - when she should have said "2004." A check of the script showed this wording: "March of next year." The thing is, this anchor isn't even a women's libber - much less a women's ad libber.

I tell the caller I can't review the tape of the newscast until it's over at 11:35 - and she says it's really not an important
issue. So why do these people call TV stations late at night? Are they THAT lonely?

+ 11:45 p.m.: The woman calls back to hear the aircheck of the newscast - and it turns out our Female Anchor DID say 2004. The caller hadn't heard the "four" before. Hopefully she doesn't work at a fast-food restaurant.

+ 12:15 a.m.: A man calls asking for the regular morning producer - for about the ninth weeknight in a row. He never leaves a message, when I mention she's away. These bill collectors obviously don't want to give themselves away.

+ 4:30 a.m.: ABC mistakenly sends the wrong news feed to our station - revealing Fred Rogers of "Mister Rogers Neighborhood" has died. I decide to add an "obituary" package on his life to the morning newscast. To do this, I take out a report on Robert Blake. Though I felt sad at the time, after thinking about it I feel QUITE uplifted.

+ 5:25 a.m.: I break the news to our Morning Videographer that Mr. Rogers is dead. He asks, "Was he changing shoes
and had a stroke?"

+ 5:52 a.m.:That self-declared crazy man calls, and starts a rambling speech. It starts with a comment that "psy-ops will
not be enough to win this war." We have to go in physically and do the job, he says. Why this caller thinks I'm a commander at Fort Benning, I have no idea....

(OOPS! I'm out of time, and will have to finish this man's conversation the next time I post. Stay tuned....)

26 FEB 03: I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD RATTLES

I slept well during the day today - but I heard several noisy reminders that spring is near. For one thing, there was the ceremonial first firing of the Weed-Wacker outside my window.

But that's not all - an occasional rattling could be heard, seemingly inside the walls of the apartment. In a way, I didn't mind this. If it happened throughout the night, burglars might think it's a ghost and be scared away.

I got up once or twice and banged on the bathroom wall - and the noise stopped for awhile. This led me to think the cockroaches along the baseboards had hit a record size.

Only after 4:00 p.m. did I discover what the noise was -- when a bird emerged from an aluminum pipe just above my water heater. Apparently the bird flew into the top end, and became stuck for hours. How do I stop this - by putting a "scare-cat" on the roof?

The disoriented bird flew around the apartment for a moment, then settled on the window sill in the computer room. I went to the front door, opened it and tried to lure the bird in that direction with whistling. That strategy didn't work - which I should have realized, since it doesn't work with single women, either.

After a couple of minutes, I carefully walked into the computer room - wearing a hat, on the theory the bird might see my bald spot and think it's a car....

My window screen in the computer room is VERY loose - and by pushing it out, the bird took the hint and flew off. I couldn't keep the bird. For one thing, my lease has a "no pets" clause. For another thing, all my plastic storage boxes are full of keepsakes.

(Imagine if I still had the cat I gave away to the Humane Society, before moving to Columbus. My spring cleaning would have been moved up a couple of weeks.)

Getting caught up on some items in the local and regional news recently:

+ Proctor and Gamble announced a $2 million grant to Tuskegee University - its biggest gift ever to a "historically black" college. We presume no Crest "Teeth Whitening Strips" were on display at the ceremony.

+ Phenix City's School Board discussed how to move from appointed to elected board members. One member warned if the entire U.S. Senate was voted out of office, the country would be in chaos. It makes you wonder how the U.S. survived between 1792 and 1800, when the first Senate met.

+ Columbus State University's basketball teams had "Fan Appreciation Night" - with FREE admission! If only they'd promoted the free offer as much as they promoted an auction last week, with a comedian I'd never heard of....

(There's one comforting thought about C.S.U. have free admission to basketball games. If no one shows up, the teams can't leave town the way the baseball RedStixx did.)

25 FEB 03: HORNS-A-PLENTY

As I drove home from work this morning (still on the overnight shift), I waited for the light to change at 10^th Avenue and Wynnton Road. I was first in line, and heard a horn honk twice behind me. At that point, I had several choices:

A> Wave - since people in the South are SO friendly.

B> Point to the red light in front of me - because some people in the South can be SO unaware.

C> Violate the red light to get out of the way - because some drivers in the South love to pretend they're on NASCAR teams.

D> Find a weapon and use it - since President Bush HAS authorized pre-emptive strikes.

I ignored the first honk, only half-awake and aware. The second time, I waved looking through my rear-view mirror. As I did, I discovered my light had changed to green - and I raced through the intersection. Sometimes you can prevent fiery road rage.

The driver behind me was in a white pick-up. As it happened, he followed my path through the 11^th Street tunnel, leading to downtown Columbus. For those of you from other cities, it's like the Holland Tunnel in New York - except the politicians here haven't heard about charging tolls.

The pick-up driver happened to follow my line one block down 6^th Avenue, 10^th Street, then south on Veterans Parkway. I was not nervous through all of this. If he'd followed me into the driveway, then tried to sell me jewelry dirt-cheap, I would have been.

I waited for another light at 9^th and Veterans Parkway - and I heard another honk. It was that pick-up driver, who had pulled up alongside. Now my guess was that the man was lost - but did he really expect to get out of my car back there, and hold up everybody?

In some other cities, I would have ignored the driver to my left so as not to be provocative. But I took a took a change and rolled down the window to hear him say: "That was my friend driving a semi I was honking at back there." Ohhhhh. Then who was he honking at, just before talking to me?

This is what annoys me about serial horn-honkers - and the man drove away before I thought to mention it. Car horns have no speech pattern, to help identify their meanings. If you wave in response, the honker may respond with (ahem) a few fewer fingers.

Speaking of repetition, I received a phone call this evening offering me a new MBNA Platinum Visa Card - for the second night in a row! I turned it down again. But if this keeps up, I may start saying yes - to build the most unusual deck of playing cards in the world.

Monday night the credit card telemarketer was male. Tonight it was a female. She asked questions about the cards I have now, while the man kept adding point after point about why the MBNA card was SO superior. That "Mars and Venus" stuff even applies in boiler rooms.

The female telemarketer didn't quite get it at first, though. She wanted to read me the long, boring "fine print" about the card that the man did 23 1/2 hours before. As I explained to her: If my vital statistics haven't changed since last night, why should I assume your rules have?

WAR UPDATE: North Korea still has not responded to my declaration of war against it. (11 Jan) But the military fired a short-range missile into the Sea of Japan, hours before South Korea inaugurated a new President. This must be the North's idea of a fireworks celebration.

22 FEB 03: EVERYONE'S SMARTER THAN ME

I was on the audio desk at church today, and oversaw the most one-sided sermon I've ever
heard. The speaker's message was so short, it needed only one side of the cassette.

It marked the end of a humbling week for me. It started with my working an all-nighter at the TV station from Sunday afternoon to Monday morning - for the third time in four weeks. I know the news isn't supposed to stop, but can't the employees stop once in awhile?

Our overnight producer was sick and sounded that way on Super Bowl Sunday. She had a
miscarriage on Pro Bowl Sunday. And on Daytona Sunday, her husband came to the station to report her mother had a heart attack. We'd like to ask all major sports events to move to Friday nights for the rest of the year.

The humbling experiences at the TV station continued when a fire was reported in town during the 11:00 p.m. news. I heard on the police scanner one person was being treated for smoke inhalation, told the 11:00 p.m. producer - and the anchors went on to promise more details at 6:00 a.m. It turned out to be a minor case, and the photographer at the scene didn't bother to shoot the fire. It's hard to have an "all-new" morning show when the staff considers things the "same old same old."

The photographer let me have it when he saw the fire was in the morning show, to fulfill the
anchors' promise to the viewers. He accused me of making up something "fictitious" -- which may prove he has better news judgment, but does NOT prove he's psychic.

I told the photographer I'd heard on the scanner one person was injured. He said no, the
scanner call said "smoke inhalation." So remember, if you're ever overcome by smoke in a fire -- you're not injured. You may not even be hurt.

As the week went on, I realized I'm still officially a freelance "temp" at the TV station, and
should have deferred to the full-time photographer. Your ego and your brain may both be in your head, but you can't let one get ahead of the other.

I was SO READY to defer to the photographer that I offered Friday morning to let him veto
power over stories in the newscast. (We're the only two people in the news department late at night.) He declined, saying that wasn't necessary. I'm posting this information in case he complains about stories six months from now....

Our TV station staff had other humbling moments during the week. For instance, for awhile
our fancy new radar system was showing the rain BACKWARDS -- in a mirror image of what really was there. So for several hours it was "Triple FLIP Doppler."

Driving around town today, I saw other things that should be humbling to whoever created
them:

+ A hotel at 13rd and Veterans Parkway has a sign on the roof saying, "Heritage Inn of
AMERCIA." America is misspelled! Aren't we glad the Bush administration is renewing interest in patriotism and civics?

+ A motel on Warm Springs Road has a sign offering a "welcome SPECILA." This is an
Italian family reunion I've never heard of before....

+ A church on Second Avenue invites you to a Sunday afternoon "Usher's Fellowship." I'm
not sure why Usher is skipping the Grammy Awards for this....

15 FEB 03: DRESSED TO THE NINES

We had a chili supper at church after our afternoon service today. Early in the week, the forecast was perfect for this - rain all day, and temperatures in the 50's. We wound up with a high around 75, no rain - and a few of us wondering if a picnic was more appropriate.

My contribution to the chili supper was a two-liter bottle of diet cola and a - uh, well - a container of brownies. What DO you call a long, rectangular, sealable thing from Tupperware?

I also offered to the congregation a short presentation on my TV station's new "Triple Doppler 9." I've already posted one suggested name I had for it (8 Feb) - but tonight I had other names which were (ahem) rejected by the management:

+ We could have had a paint or construction company sponsor it - and call it Triple Dauber 9.

+ We could have signed an Atlanta record company to promote it - as Triple Hip-Hopp-ler 9.

+ We could have worked out a deal with the Medical Center - but we would have had to call it Crippled Doppler 9.

+ We might have arranged a tie-in with an environmental group - and called it Triple Poplar 9.

+ We could have arranged for three big pro wrestlers to install the radar atop the Government Center - to have Triple Grappler 9.

+ We might have promoted the radar at a Columbus Riverdragons basketball game - to have Triple Dribbler 9.

+ We even could have arranged to have the radar sponsored by a hair salon - to offer Dippity-Doo Doppler 9.

After the chili supper was over, it was on to Target as quickly as we could. After all, it's the day after Valentine's Day - and all the "holiday chocolate" is half-price. The early bird gets the Hershey's Hugs.

Our last stop was a supermarket for bread and milk - and we left noticing the early edition of the Sunday Atlanta newspaper. A front-page article says former Governor Roy Barnes spent about 80 percent of the Georgia "emergency fund" within two weeks after the November election. We all know what the emergency was - a Republican was about to become Governor.

10 FEB 03: IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE?

I am thankful to blog tonight, after my phone line was down all day. I've yet to hear exactly what went wrong - but my TV station's new Doppler radar IS only a few blocks away. Hmmmm....

I called the phone company at the office, to report my loss of service. But when I dialed 611, a very short tone was followed by nothing but silence. If you're listening for my complaint, please be polite enough to let me know.

I wound up posting the loss of service at BellSouth's web site. The phone company e-mailed me back, revealing service was out in an entire area. Apparently everybody else in my neighborhood has cell phones, because no one called the TV station to complain about it.

What disturbed me about the reply message was that BellSouth promised to have the outage fixed by "Thursday at 8:00 p.m." A FOUR-DAY phone outage, in the heart of a mid-sized city?! Did they hire all their repair workers from Puerto Rico or something?

(At least the problem was fixed in ONE day, not four. It pays to live in the Historic District - with a growing number of law offices in it.)

Our TV station began a week-long blood drive today - and I was so provoked, that I raced to the Red Cross to give blood after producing the 5:00 p.m. news. I was even more provoked by The Boss allowing me to give blood without clocking out.

Bad sign #1 about the blood drive: I walked into the donation room, and was greeted by a big guy in a white jacket saying in an amazingly dropout-sounding voice: "I'm new here, so I'm learning everything...."

Bad sign #2 about the blood drive: I stepped out for a moment to use the restroom before beginning the donation process - and found a sign reminding me to flush the toilet after I was through.

To be fair: everything went smoothly with my blood donation. Well, so far it has. At least the Red Cross hasn't sent out an ambulance, just in case....

My TV station set up the week-long blood drive because of serious problems with the Georgia blood supply in recent weeks. Dozens of donations had to be quarantined and possibly discarded, because some kind of white substance became mixed with the blood. If this was orange juice, I might dismiss it as added calcium.

The mysterious substance was analyzed last week - but for some strange reason, the Red Cross has yet to reveal what that white substance was. It's only a matter of time before Jesse Jackson gets suspicious about this....

(At least this provides a refreshing change of pace for my TV newsroom. Usually when we talk about "white stuff," we mean snow.)

8 FEB 03: CHEERS AND CHANGES

Tonight's walk at The Mall was a slow one - two laps in about 26:38. That's the problem with being a one-mall town. All the fast walkers like me get mixed in with the slowpokes who actually are shopping.

The Christian store at The Mall is in the final days of its "going out of business" sale. I stopped and looked at the small number of items left on the shelves -- but I resisted the urge to ask which employees failed to pray for customers.

No, I did NOT buy anything at the Christian store -- even though everything was marked down at least 35 percent. This is a theological dilemma for me. Either I buy something I don't need, and help my neighbor survive - or I DON'T buy something, thinking God will appreciate my lack of possessions.

The Georgia state high school cheerleading convention has been in town the last couple of days -- and I'm told The Mall was filled with cheerleaders Friday. My work schedule has been simply TOO oppressive lately....

(But then again, I'm getting to the age where The Mall's security guards might have seen me around those cheerleaders, and pulled me into an office for questioning.)

It's a bit strange for me to believe high school cheerleaders have championship tournaments now. Some of us can remember when their biggest competition was getting to date the starting quarterback.

Not far from The Mall, US Airways made its last flight from Columbus Metro Airport today - and it had only TWO passengers on it! It almost makes me wonder why they're stopping service....

US Airways's pullaway leaves Columbus as a one-airline town - and that airline only flies to Atlanta, 100 miles away. You could drive from Hartsfield Airport to Columbus in the time it takes to change planes and face all the security checks.

Getting caught up on some loose change from the last few days:

+ My TV station called a news conference Thursday to announce its fancy new Doppler radar system - and people who were there tell me the only "news media" to show up was ONE newspaper columnist. Well, at least our station had EXCLUSIVE video of the event at 11:00 p.m.

Local car dealer Bill Heard reportedly was there, too - since Chevrolet is sponsoring the radar. Heard already has a concert hall and a major road in town named after him. If this becomes the "Bill Heard Radar" instead of Doppler Radar, this will be the last straw.

Our radar system is called "Triple Doppler Nine." I was hoping Baskin-Robbins would sponsor it - so we'd have "Triple Dip Doppler" instead.

+ The new management of the leading news/talk radio station in town dropped the hammer Thursday. The local news-and-chat show in the early morning was replaced by "Imus in the Morning" from New York. Is it just me, or does Imus mumble about as badly as Ozzy Osbourne?

When I moved to Columbus six years ago, Don Imus was on a different radio station -- and his ratings were low, while the news-talk station did well. Now remarkably, the roles are reversed! Imus's old station is news-talk in the morning, Imus is on that other station -- and to everyone's delight, Howard Stern still can't be heard at all.

5 FEB 03: SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Today is a big day in our area - "National Signing Day" for high school football players. This event is even more interesting in the age of home computers - because you can place bets on how many of the players can write legible signatures.

Our TV station talked not only to the football players signing college commitments, but their parents. Several moms and dads said they were thrilled for this day to come - probably because they don't have to worry about coming up with the cost of a college scholarship.

(Here's my question, though: if they call it "National Signing Day," how come the TV stations never go to schools for the deaf?)

I puzzle at how several agencies are able to rate which colleges have the best recruiting classes. Do they base this on players' speed? Their team records in high school? Or something more important than any of that - which players have the highest G.P.A., so they'll stay eligible?

E-MAIL UPDATE! One of our nieces wrote us with a follow-up to her husband being held up at gunpoint (1 Feb):

We are having the police patrol our apartment more often and basically just being more aware of our surroundings. The paper did get into trouble though, from the police department and the press association of Kansas. So hopefully no one will have to go through this again.

I hope not, either. Maybe now I should gently tell my niece that her husband's address probably is in the phone book already.

I checked the web site of this newspaper, however, and the crime report is still posted there in its entirety. When I read it, though, it wasn't the address of my niece that surprised me. Since when has she been married to a guy who works in a liquor store?!?!

1 FEB 03: DAY OF DISINTEGRATION

What happened with the shuttle Columbia today was the capstone of a wild week for me. I might never have heard the news until church in the afternoon - except I happened upon one of my station's reporters outside a downtown restaurant. She told me, "Everyone's being called in." I was NOT - so perhaps for once they misplaced my phone number.

I drove by the Space Science Center in town twice, looking for signs of a Columbia memorial. Only when I jogged by it after dark did I see any trace - a poster on the ticket booth window, with a few flowers left on the counter. Coca-Cola didn't even bother to take down its sign, so it could be called the "Challenger Space Science Center" again.

I drove to church around 1:30 p.m., and was surprised by all the flags still at full-staff. It was that way outside the downtown post office and fire station. Have we become so scared of the government that we have to wait for orders about such things?

I happened to be Worship Leader at church, and changed the first couple of songs to be more introspective and comfort-seeking. Somehow a song called, "Hallelujah, Praise God's Name" didn't seem quite right to start things off on this day.

(You could tell it was a different day at church. I walked in to hear Peter Jennings's voice on a TV set at the side of the hall. Most weeks, the only time Jennings would come up is if the Pastor bashed him for being a biased liberal.)

I couldn't help thinking about the Israeli astronaut on the Columbia mission. He told reporters before launch he'd honor Israel by keeping the Sabbath during the flight - but on the first weekend, he admitted he became so busy with experiments he forgot the Sabbath. [True/A.P. 18 Jan] I predict I'll hear about him from at least six Sabbath-keeping preachers in the next year.

Another marvel of the day was that my Pastor was AWAY from church today - just as he was the Saturday after Operation Desert Storm began in 1991, and the Saturday after 9/11/01. If he knows something big is coming, he should at least share the gift of prophecy with everybody else.

Am I the only one who was surprised by how life did NOT stop for the shuttle disintegration?

+ TV networks went back to regular programming tonight -- unlike 17 years ago, when Challenger exploded and all commercials were cancelled. The economy MUST be in bad shape.

+ College sports teams in town had their scheduled games -- and the OTHER television station, which did a 6:00 p.m. sportscast, somehow forgot to ask the coaches why they played.

+ That unnamed other station spent its final moments at 6:00 p.m. in "happy talk" with the meteorologist about his Friday birthday. "Are you old enough for the seniors' discount at Shoney's?" one news anchor asked. Maybe that guy should buy food for the mourning Space Science Center staff instead.

+ I stopped by MY television station for a few minutes - and the only caller demanded we investigate how much the city spends to keep an "eternal flame" for veterans lit downtown. Some folks stop mourning VERY quickly.

Oh yes -- I almost forgot to mention the "wild week" I've had. It's been so busy I haven't had time to post it all: For one thing, I was fingerprinted at police headquarters Thursday by an F.B.I. agent.. Before you ask - no, I have NOT had an affair with Laci Peterson's husband.

The reason for the fingerprinting was because of a threatening letter our TV station received, which I happened to open. The F.B.I. has asked me NOT to disclose the details of the letter - but I'll only say this: the way it was worded, the shuttle Columbia could have been a target.

So what else have you missed, that I have not?

+ I had a flat tire Friday -- and couldn't figure out how to use the new hydraulic jack I bought last year for emergencies like this. Couldn't Kmart at least paint the "release valve" in a different color, so I can find it?

+ The husband of one of my nieces was held up at gunpoint at his workplace -- and for some reason, the daily newspaper printed his home address the next day. I hope the reporter is planning to stake out the house, to make the citizen's arrest personally.

+ I was offered an opportunity to do commercials for an ad agency in San Antonio - IF I e-mailed the office an M-P-3 track. Trouble is, the recorder I downloaded from mp3.com records in every format EXCEPT M-P-3! Maybe that web site should be called EMPTY-3 instead.