The Blog of Columbus, Georgia

27 DEC 04: JOIN THE CROWD

After more than seven years in Columbus, I've learned the best time to go shopping. It's Sunday morning, when large numbers of people are in church. If anyone points a finger at me and asks why I'm not in church, I simply say: "I was there yesterday."

Given this knowledge, I decided to go out around 10:45 Sunday morning for half-price chocolate at Target. But before I arrived, I received hints this Sunday would be different -- because at several churches, the parking lot was only half-full.

Target was a busy place -- and as I walked toward the door, I saw an example of how giving people are at this time of year. A southbound car swept in and took a parking spot near the door, before a patient northbound driver could claim it.

I elected to take a parking space in the center of the Target lot. For one thing, the walking to and from my car is good exercise. For another thing, all the aggressive parkers wouldn't be tempted to call me names.

Did you see the "Good Morning America" the other day on people's parking strategies? Some are "stalkers," actually following shoppers to their cars and waiting for them to depart. The best revenge for such drivers is obvious -- leave the items you bought in the trunk, then walk back inside.

Regular blog readers know the day after a holiday is the best time to buy chocolate -- and on this "Boxing Day," the bags of M&M's at half-price were plentiful. But my main problem was finding them. Target reorganized its store recently, to add more grocery items. I didn't check to see if the Target Dog is on his own brand of dog food.

For some reason, the half-price racks at Target were full of M&M's bags - but hardly anything else. Either Hershey's didn't bother to sell holiday kisses this year, or people considered this a germ-free alternative for moments under the mistletoe.

The trip to Target also uncovered something I'd been hunting for months - a pair of maroon socks. This color is part of my wardrobe, but has been missing from major department stores. It's almost like they knew Washington's football team would have a lousy season.

I thanked the checkout woman at Target not only for the half-price chocolate, but for being a "safe haven" at this time of year.
You know - no Salvation Army bell-ringers....

From there it was on to Peachtree Mall -- not really to shop, but to exercise. The St. Luke Ministry Center gym was closed for the holiday weekend. Come to think of it, that seems strange - since I guess the sanctuary was open for Sunday services.

For the first time since last February, I walked for exercise at Peachtree Mall. It's the only place where I keep track of how fast I move. Most of the time for me, a "time trial" is when people don't show up on time - and I consider it a trial.

The mall walk began at 11:51 on a Sunday morning, and nearly every store at Peachtree Mall was open. I've only seen one other shopping mall where this happened - and in San Juan, I assume it's because so many Catholics are in and out of mass by 9:30.

(In fact, so many people were around a register at J.C. Penney's that you'd think Christian activists were trying to change the initials to Jesus Christ.)

The attendance was moderate at Peachtree Mall, and that allowed me to move quickly down the aisles. Speed-walking at a mall is a bit like NASCAR racing - except more females are likely to "spin out" and change direction, when they spot bargains.

I wound up completing two laps inside Peachtree Mall in less than 24 minutes - about 30 seconds faster than the last time I did it in February. Perhaps this shows I've been out running more this year. Or perhaps it was because I turned my head away from the Victoria's Secret window as best as I could.

Now let's slow down for some other notes from the last weekend of 2004:

+ A touch of sleet was on my windshield wiper, when I strolled to the car for the shopping trip. It wasn't even enough to throw at a neighbor, and pretend to have a snowball fight.

+ Retired Judge Albert Thompson died. He was the first African-American elected official in Muscogee County -- and don't you wonder how many times Sheriff's Deputies pulled him over for searches?

+ The Columbus Riverdragons advanced to 10-1 on the season by beating Florida. They're playing so well that a major trade may be in the works - exchanging our team for the Atlanta Hawks.

+ The Atlanta Falcons lost 26-13 at New Orleans. Michael Vick was "inactive" for the game, only days after signing that $130 million contract. Does team owner Arthur Blank let all Home Depot employees pull a stunt like this?

+ Instant Message to "The Place" in Cusseta: I wasn't able to get to your show of "Cusseta's Hottest Girls" late Saturday night. Were there three of them, or four?

2004 IN REVIEW, CONTINUED: July began with a new Georgia law, allowing bars to sell stronger beer. Maybe now we know why people are waiting longer than ever for SafetyCab to answer the phone....

July brought the Georgia primary - and in a battle of Republican Senate candidates, Johnny Isakson beat Mac Collins. The race was so lopsided that I don't even think a majority of Apple Computer users voted for this "Mac."

Locally, the showdown for Superior Court Judge went to Bobby Peters. Roxann Daniel certainly went quietly - so quietly that we're not sure she ever conceded the race.

Remember the chicken spat of July? Several employees at a Popeye's on Wynnton Road walked off the job, after one was fired for leaving a back door open. Inspired by this, several pro football teams have thrown "backdoor" passes for touchdowns this season.

July marked the start of Ritmo Latino's decline. Co-founder Jose Ricci was indicted for embezzlement - and now about the only way you can hear Spanish music in Columbus is to turn up the theme songs of soap operas on Univision.

But Jose Ricci was not alone - as the daughter of Councilor Nathan Suber was indicted on embezzlement charges as well. At least Cynthia Suber hasn't been spotted speeding through residential neighborhoods since then....

Phenix City began a summer of celebration in July, marking 50 years since vice was removed from the city. Of course, now that there's the Cadillac Jack's nightclub on the 280 Bypass AND Sunday beer sales, people may have decided enough's enough.

But there was no celebrating in downtown Columbus, when Kravtin's announced it would close after eight decades in business. I still don't understand why the owners didn't do what "Downtown Jewelers" did -- and move to Cross-Country Plaza.

Columbus lost another familiar name in July, when broadcaster Chuck McClure died. I still suspect he died from the shock of hearing Don Imus supporting John Kerry on WRCG....

Another local broadcaster left the air suddenly in July - WRBL news anchor Dave Marshall. Someone raised a stink about a stinking apartment complex. Marshall made a stink about that to his boss. Then it became an online stink, when someone leaked his news script to us.

A major renovation of Columbus Trade Center was completed in July. It apparently was so impressive, Vice President Cheney and his wife took a personal tour of it weeks later.

Eufaula Mayor Jay Jaxon suggested a change in the city's name during July, to "Lake Eufaula." Then a hurricane blew through the area in September, and almost turned his dream into a real nightmare.

The end of July brought a four-day "tax holiday" across Georgia. If President Bush can get his way with the next Congress, the holiday season may last all year-round....

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: The jokes for today have concluded. But you're welcome to read on, for some serious reflection.)

BUT SERIOUSLY: After my Sunday of shopping around town, the real world slapped me squarely in the face. But it's hard to believe 11,000 deaths from an Asian earthquake had less of an impact on me than one death in North Carolina.

Reggie White was called the "Minister of Defense" in pro football for a couple of reasons. He was an outstanding player - and a minister of God as well. Yes, White said some controversial things. But merely talking about eternal issues around football players had to be controversial enough to them.

The words of praise from pro football announcers and writers were well-deserved. But how stunning it was to hear Reggie White died at only age 43 -- three years younger than I. Those years in the N.F.L. may have taken a toll. But the sack count and number of games missed due to injuries show White gave more of the pounding than he took.

Near my computer there's a box I bought months ago: "Will Workshop Deluxe 2004." I bought the software realizing I haven't updated my will in nearly ten years. Now the death of a football player has me wondering why I haven't opened that box - and let all sorts of other things, including writing this blog for you, get in the way.

Life is too short for all of us, whether you live 43 years or 86. We all should take time to put our priorities in order. It seems to me Reggie White did that - and far beyond a last will and testament. I sincerely hope you do, too.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

26 DEC 04: JUST ENOUGH FOR THE CITY

Before we get to our topic -- BREAKING NEWS: The Columbus area is in a "winter weather advisory" for Sunday morning. We mention it here because hardly any TV station had a newscast Saturday night, to get you scared out of your wits about it.

Some meteorologists like to call the freezing rain, sleet and light snow a "wintry mix." Some of us can remember when that referred to a snack made with Chex cereal.

If you want snow in Columbus, hurry to Springer Street while you can. A family drove home from Louisville, with 700 pounds of snow in the back of their pickup truck! [True/WRBL] Be thankful you didn't have to drive behind that truck -- especially in the windswept mountains of middle Tennessee.

But to our topic -- nothing makes any city look more like a ghost town than December 25. The streets of Columbus barely had any cars Saturday. Almost every parking lot was empty. Even the church group I attend only had half the usual turnout. Does that always happen when a Pastor is out of town?

To be honest, several members of our congregation were at a special church "Winter Weekend." It was held in Louisville, Kentucky - so I hope they're happy with the big pile of snow they're driving through.

A couple in our congregation announced last week we'd have a potluck dinner after church this weekend - then took it back a couple of minutes later, then told people privately they could bring food if they wanted. I've never had a stealth supper quite like this....

Trouble is, the couple which arranged this meal never showed up Saturday. I brought dessert for the occasion, but was pressed into other duties at church and never even pulled it out of the bag. So I wound up with a box full of brownies, and only me to eat them. Being single DOES have advantages.

So with no after-church meal, what was I to do for dinner? In most cities, the only restaurants open on Xmas are the Waffle Houses -- and I know from experience that's when the attendants are most at their wits' ends. They'd like to be scattered, but the crush of customers keeps them covered and smothered.

But thankfully, I stumbled upon a dining alternative this year. It's the new "Buffet City" restaurant at Airport Thruway and Whitesville Road. It shares a shopping center with Caffe Amici and Stevie B's Pizza - so it's the choice for diners who don't have a lot of money, and don't want children running them over.

I told a couple of people at church about Buffet City, noted this Chinese buffet was open on Xmas - and one man responded: "Those Asians will do anything to make a buck...." Didn't this guy pay attention to the sermon on transforming your tongue?

It turns out I went solo to Buffet City - and arriving around 5:15 p.m., I may have beaten the crowd. It offered a holiday buffet for $8.95. "Steaks! Turkey! Ham!" promised the sign at the door. But as it turned out, any resemblance to Ryan's or Golden Corral was purely coincidental....

Buffet City didn't have any noticeable "holiday" displays up, which was fine with me. The only sign of Xmas was faint music on the restaurant's public address system. The couple which planned the church dinner said they didn't want to be bothered with holiday music eating out - so maybe they feared hearing it in the car, as well.

There's a picture of a big city skyline on one of the walls at Buffet City. I think it's Hong Kong - and amazingly, the Chinese Red Army still hasn't taken the "NEC" sign off the top of one of the skyscrapers.

One big selling point for Buffet City is its "Teriyaki Grill." Trouble is, the neon sign on the wall spells it "TERINYAKI." I refuse to blame this on immigrant managers - since Columbus DOES have a big literacy problem.

Yes, Buffet City served three main meats - a ham, a side of beef and a roasted turkey. But you had to carve the meat yourself! So much for Dad trying to avoid embarrassing himself with a carving knife at the dinner table....

Chinese restaurants in Columbus often seem to have some quirks to them - and I found a few at Buffet City:

+ Sushi Pizza. No, I didn't dare try this - but the sushi sure looked a lot like pepperoni.

+ A "Dragon and Phenix Roll." I thought the old mill downtown went by a different name....

+ If there was a "salad bar," I guess it was the area with well-trimmed cucumbers sitting by themselves. Lettuce and tomatoes must cost more than I realized.

I'd certainly go back to Buffet City - but I'd suggest the managers put more Chinese beef entrees in the tables. There were plenty of chicken and shrimp items, along with "Mongolian Pork." This is what happens when Taylor County gets tough against hog farms....

At least the Christmas pressure now is off us for another year. The next time I hear the phrase "big guy," I expect Mark Taylor will announce he's running for Georgia Governor.

2004 IN REVIEW, CONTINUED: June found the heat rising across Columbus. And imagine if there had NOT been a race for Superior Court Judge....

Judge candidates Roxann Daniel and Bobby Peters had a much-discussed debate in June. But it happened on NBC-38's "Rise-n-Shine," so I'm not sure anyone younger than age 55 paid much attention to it.

(I understand WLTZ actually replayed the Rise-n-Shine debate before the July election. Perhaps the second time, they added some gospel singers to keep everyone thinking in a nice way.)

The race for Muscogee County Sheriff became interesting in June, when Ralph Johnson's son was arrested on marijuana charges. Considering what's happened to Adam Johnson since then, I wonder if he's hired Richard Hagler as HIS attorney, too.

June was primary election month in Alabama - and I think Senator Richard Shelby spent about $500 to win renomination. Whatever the filing fee was....

U.S. Senate candidates came to Columbus in late June for a debate. But Johnny Isakson was a no-show, because (he said) he had a church commitment. I keep waiting for some reporter to sit in on one of the Sunday School classes Isakson's taught all these years.

Some Columbus police officers went to Sea Island in June, to provide security for the "Group of Eight" summit. People there must miss them a lot - because later in the year, Sea Island residents closed all their public roads. [True!]

But Columbus police were on alert later in June, when young Tellious Brown vanished for 24 hours. The boy is now safely back home - and we're a bit surprised civil rights leaders haven't blamed the Sheriff's Department or the District Attorney for not making an arrest in the case.

Auburn University's police department was merged with the city police force in June. It sounds like Columbus civil rights leaders want the same sort of thing to happen now, with the Sheriff's Department coming under Public Safety. So which group will sponsor the Ralph Johnson - Rick Boren winner-take-all wrestling match?

The entire country mourned the death of President Ronald Reagan in June. When his body lay in state, several politicians apparently were allowed to cut in line. What would Mr. Reagan have thought of this? Wasn't his point that politicians should NOT think they're above everybody else?

In early June, your Blog visited the new "Mac Daniel's Burger Park" near 8^th and Veterans Parkway. We wondered back then if McDonald's would try to shut it down over the name. It turns out the restaurant closed even before Fort Benning banned it.

A petition drive was underway in June to shut down another Columbus business. Yet as far as I know, not even a Benning "hit list" has closed the Boom Boom Room.. Maybe if Cottonmouths Coach Jerome "Boom Boom" Bechard spoke out against it....

But a big business opening occurred in Columbus in June - the city's first Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. So how's the competition doing these days? Are other doughnut shops, well, in the hole?

A big bank merger was announced in June, as Wachovia of Charlotte bought out SouthTrust of Birmingham. So I really felt ahead of the curve last week, when Jesse Jackson announced that boycott....

COMING THIS WEEK: Staggered and stunned.... in that order....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

25 DEC 04: GOTTA SING

Maybe this makes me look like a holiday hypocrite, but I'm in a musical mood this weekend. We begin with a song for Pastor Wayne Baker and fellow civil rights leaders - based on that holiday tune about "two front teeth":

All we want for Christmas is a second chance.

A grand jury getting more than a glance.

All we want for Christmas is a second chance,

To put in jail that David Glisson!

Next: What if you're like me, not celebrating Christmas - yet you have children at home? Maybe we can change that silly song about wanting a hippopotamus, to this:

I hope that there's a McDonald's on vacation!

I want to eat there every single day!

I want a Happy Meal - it's such a groovy deal,

With all the toys I'll get to take away!

My mom and dad will want some relaxation,

But all the sights are waiting for my eyes!

And if there's Mickey-D's, I'll be so good to please.

It's one vacation I can Super-Size!

Now we go back to 1996 - and a song I submitted to national sports-talk host Papa Joe Chevalier, which won me a T-shirt. Think Nat King Cole for the theme (words adjusted slightly for 2004):

Matchups studied by an open fire,

Face masks covering your nose.

Coaching rumors going out on the wires

By fans who think they're in the know.

Everybody knows some football at this time of year

Helps to make the season bright.

Tiny tots dreaming of scholarships

Will get to bed quite late tonight.

They know the bowls are on their way -

The Rose, the Sugar, Orange, and the Holiday.

And every mother's child is gonna spy,

To see how fast punt returners can fly.

And so I'm offering a simple phrase

To sports fans one to 92:

So what if your team didn't cover the spread?

Happy bowl season to you!

COMING SUNDAY: Was all of Columbus closed for Christmas? Not quite....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

24 DEC 04: WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY

A Columbus civil rights group called a news conference Thursday to "clarify" the boycott announced Monday by Jesse Jackson. The fact that the news conference was not held in downtown Phenix City should say something right there....

Pastor Wayne Baker of the Interdenominational Ministerial Alliance declared a financial boycott of Columbus is a "viable alternative" - but only if all else fails. After all, we saw how many Piggly Wiggly stores shut down when Rainbow/PUSH boycotted them a few years ago: exactly none.

At a Government Center news conference, Pastor Wayne Baker offered a list of six demands which must be met concerning the Kenneth Walker case. The only problem was the location. Isn't someone in a red suit taking lists of demands at Peachtree Mall?

Here's what the Interdenominational Ministerial Alliance wants to see happen in Year Two of the Kenneth Walker saga:

1. The convening of a second grand jury. This could be the reality show Black Entertainment Television has been waiting for.

2. A city personnel board denying former deputy David Glisson his job back. That's what we like to see - a city board which isn't influenced by money.

3. A "reasonable settlement" of the civil suit brought by Kenneth Walker's family. Huh?! You mean $100 million in damages is NOT reasonable?

(Someone said at work Thursday the 100-million dollar civil suit is too high, because "justice doesn't have a price tag." The family of Ron Goldman knows that too well - because O.J. Simpson hasn't paid that family one penny.)

4. A review of anti-racial profiling legislation, by local members of the Georgia Legislature. Now this could be a problem. How do you mark African-American History Month without doing profiles of people of that race?

5. Local law officers undergoing "cross-cultural training." I'm not sure the Nation of Islam will support any demand promoting the cross like this....

(To be fair, all of us probably could use some kind of cross-cultural training. After 20 years in Georgia, I couldn't cook collards if you forced me at gunpoint.)

6. The placing of the Sheriff's Department under Columbus Public Safety. Now there's a sure way to bring change -- as deputies get fed up with their pay and move on.

(But hold on a second: if the Sheriff's Department comes under Columbus Public Safety, would that make the Sheriff's office a city-appointed position? Civil rights groups might find Ralph Johnson in office for the rest of his life.)

Pastor Wayne Baker set no deadline for meeting his group's six demands. But he warned the "window of opportunity is very short." Translation: the next election will be here in about 19 months.

Several city officials were on hand for the I.M.A. news conference. Councilors Wayne Anthony and Julius Hunter agreed a second grand jury should be convened in the Kenneth Walker case. After all, if Georgia has a "two strikes" law for criminals, why not for prosecutors?

Mayor Bob Poydasheff also watched the news conference, and quickly told reporters he'd issued a new city memo against profiling. From now on, expect all police mug shots to be face-forward only - no "profile shots" to the side.

Mayor Bob Poydasheff opposes a possible economic boycott of Columbus. He says outsiders are NOT needed, to tell the city what to do. OK, so when is he giving back those federal Homeland Security grants?

The talk of a financial boycott has done strange things for some Columbus stocks. AFLAC and Synovus went up a bit, in the two days after Jesse Jackson's announcement. But after Thursday's clarification, AFLAC and T-SYS stock wound up lower! I get the feeling callers to radio talk shows are doing some bargain-hunting.

BLOG UPDATE: The number to beat today is five. St. Luke United Methodist Church downtown is holding no less than FIVE different Christmas Eve events. Step One in identifying a "mega-church" - how many services it takes to fit everybody in.

The busy St. Luke day starts with two communion services, the first one at 12:00 noon. My Pastor wondered aloud the other day why churches use the presumed day of Jesus's birth to hold communion - which the Bible says marks His death.

Then St. Luke holds a 5:00 p.m. "Christmas pageant." Which good-looking contestant is singing "Santa Baby" in the talent portion this year?

But wait, there's more! At 7:00 p.m., it's time for the St. Luke "Casual Christmas" service. I guess this is a fashion trade -- with gaudy bright-red ties left at home, but more bright-green sweaters showing up.

The biggest St. Luke Christmas Eve service is the one at 11:00 p.m. It's broadcast live on TV and radio, and beamed far and wide via satellite. Some people wouldn't mind if that signal overrode Al-Jazeera for awhile.

By the way, St. Luke United Methodist Church added something new to its Fitness Center Thursday. There's a posted set of conduct rules at the door, including NO profanity. But based on what I heard a few basketball players say while I was jogging, it was typical Methodism -- with plenty of overtolerance.

There's plenty of other stuff to think about from Thursday:

+ The price of regular unleaded gasoline dropped to $1.60 at Dolly Madison on Victory Drive. Let's all say it together: "I think
they can, I think they can...."

+ Blaine Stewart's "Restaurant Report Card" found a perfect score for a new Japanese steakhouse on Veterans Parkway called "Sumo-a-Go-Go." Please tell me this place does NOT have sumo-sized go-go dancers....

(Have you heard the radio commercial for Sumo-a-Go-Go? There's a voice with such a stereotypical Japanese accent that Jim Rhodes might call for the restaurant to be A-bombed.)

+ Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick signed a $130 million, ten-year contract extension. The "over and under" in Las Vegas is set at three season-ending injuries.

+ Instant Message to WGSY "Sunny 100-FM": A friend of mine said the other day he turned on your station twice in a one-hour period - and both times you were playing "The Little Drummer Boy." Is that the hottest-selling song at FYE this week?

2004 IN REVIEW CONTINUED: High gas prices slapped Columbus drivers in the wallet during May, as premium unleaded fuel went above two dollars a gallon. Looking back, I think it was a big conspiracy - because I didn't notice any restaurants closing their drive-through lanes.

May was a big month for Opelika, as native Brad Cotter won the "Nashville Star" country music competition. Yet for some odd reason, "Taco Star" on Macon Road didn't last the year.

Another prize-winner in May was Tim Vinson. The Jordan High School welding instructor was named Muscogee County "Teacher of the Year." We only hope he doesn't "light a fire" under his students in the wrong way....

May was a winning month in other ways. Columbus State's baseball team reached the Division II World Series. Columbus High's baseball team advanced to win a state title. And the number of people removed from the Civic Center for clapping their hands during commencement may have hit a record low.

May marked the end of Pittsview Elementary School, despite the complaints of local residents. So have the drugs and crime moved into town yet? Has Pittsview become - well, the pitts?

May was also the end of Muscogee County Schools' Reading Recovery program. Combine that with the lack of a central library during winter break, and all some children have is closed-captioning on a TV screen.

May marked the unofficial start of the local political season. The first hot race was for Superior Court Judge - which reminds me: has anyone offered Roxann Daniel a job lately?

Republicans from across Georgia had their state convention in Columbus during May - yet when November came, John Kerry had more votes in Muscogee County than George W. Bush. Maybe the G.O.P. should have tried to recruit voters other than Gray Conger.

But the effort by Rainbow/PUSH to recall Sheriff Ralph Johnson fell short in May - about 28,000 votes short, out of 30,000 required. And then Pastor J.H. Flakes says the majority in Columbus doesn't have a voice?! It does, and it's singing a happy tune....

While many talked about "One Columbus," Taylor County actually did something in May - by having one school-sponsored prom. We're pleasantly surprised to report there hasn't been a single march by a "Southern heritage" group there yet.

A Phenix City worker was fired in May, for stealing city library money. You don't think that worker used the money to buy brass knuckles, then moved to Lumpkin and went after THAT library?!

Then a legal surprise came from Birmingham, when former Governor Don Siegelman. By the time 2004 ended, Siegelman was clesred in court while former Chief Justice Roy Moore had lost. Those liberal judges even hide in Alabama, don't they?

BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: What would you rate our blog's #1 joke of 2004? Write us with a nomination, and we may count then down here next week....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

23 DEC 04: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

It was 8:00 a.m., and several mothers were upset. It was the first day of "winter break" in Muscogee County schools - and the pressure of having children at home was boiling over already?!

The mothers called this week to complain about a news story concerning Santa Claus. The Mobile Register and the University of South Alabama surveyed Alabama residents, about the right age to "tell children the truth about Santa." From the outcry, you'd think someone was revealing he's bisexual or something.

This survey found Alabamians had various ideas, about when parents should tell children "the truth about Santa Claus." Some said age six, others went as high as 10 or 11 - and based on the numbers, a majority of adults may wish the whole issue would "dash away all."

By even mentioning this survey on the air, the mothers were upset. They'd told their children Santa Claus was coming, and now the children were asking what "the truth" was. And you thought only politicians called, to complain about news stories which make them look bad....

The calls of complaint led to a local news media decision: the Mobile Register survey would NOT be mentioned. Yes, it was a Santa Claus cover-up - as big and red as anything the Chinese Communist Party did under Mao Tse-tung.

Not everyone in the local news media was satisfied by the Santa survey suppression. Your blog saw one e-mail, which noted stories about the risks of smoking aren't taken off the air if smokers complain. But of course, smokers can always go outside and light up to avoid them.

More pointedly, this e-mail stated negative stories about Iraq aren't kept off the air - so why should a story dealing with "the truth about Santa Claus" be censored? Maybe it's because mothers do a better job of "psychological operations" than the military does.

There's a core issue at the heart of this whole discussion - the role of journalists in reporting "the truth," whatever it may be. For 11 months a year, the job seems easy. Then one guy shows up at a shopping mall, and all the rules change.

Let's be honest here -- the mothers who called the other day actually wanted the news media to reinforce a lie. Should parents lie to their children? Children lie to each other enough already - about things like the cooties.

"But it's an innocent lie," some parents may say about Santa Claus. The jury didn't buy that defense in the Scott Peterson trial -- and the jurors weren't far from Santa Clara.

Even some churches buy into this, by having people dress like Santa Claus at holiday events. Haven't the ministers of these churches read the Bible verse about "all liars" winding up in "burning sulfur?" That sounds a whole lot worse than one lump of coal.

People who know me know I'm not a fan of Christmas. In fact, I've written at length online about it. Yet Christmas supporters seem to be screaming louder this year - even opposing phrases like "Happy Holidays." That's the way to make Hanukkah-keepers feel welcome.

The bottom line issue here is this: If you expect news reporters to lie about Santa Claus during December, do you also want them to lie about other things the rest of the year? Maybe that's why some of the Santa stuff is left to weather forecasters - because people expect them to be unreliable at times.

E-MAIL UPDATE: The debate over Jesse Jackson's financial boycott of Columbus begins:

I find it interesting that Calvin Smyre was so outspoken several weeks ago at a local press conference, I believe held to announce the lawsuit filed against David Glisson and Sheriff Ralph Johnson, and now he acts as though he has been completely left out of the loop with this financial boycott on Columbus. Calvin may want to decide which side of the "white-washed" picket fence he is going to stand on and stay there.

tired of ALL the fences in Columbus,

Christine

Christine, I'm tired of all the fences as well. Please, Columbus State University - open up Bay Avenue at Tenth Street SOON!

But anyway: Rep. Calvin Smyre is a churchgoing man. He'd probably say Jesse Jackson felt "moved by the spirit" to announce a boycott. Whether it was really the spirit of attention-getting remains to be seen....

Christine raises an interesting question here: why are picket fences "whitewashed," anyway? Was the inventor of this approach subtly racist?

Now other items of interest from Wednesday:

+ The Lee County Sheriff's Department announced two more methamphetamine arrests, pushing the total for the year to 100.
This is the sort of "new meth" we'd rather not learn.

+ Port Columbus marked the 140^th anniversary of the Confederate warship Jackson. But a planned appearance by the CSS Jackson at a celebration near the Space Science Center was called off for "technical reasons." Take that, Jesse....

(A 140-year-old warship has TECHNICAL problems?! C'mon - where did the tugboat break down?)

+ Jay Jacobs was named the new Auburn University athletic director. Inspired by this, the Auburn men's basketball team lost at a tournament in Puerto Rico -- to Toledo. There's still time for Jacobs to pull a Rick Majerus, and back out of this....

+ Instant Message to El Vaquero restaurant: How do you keep doing it? Even on Wednesday night in a holiday week, you were full - and you didn't even serve combined red and green margaritas.

2004 IN REVIEW CONTINUED: April found Georgia Tech's basketball team playing in the national championship game. But the fervor for the Yellow Jackets may be waning. Not one Columbus radio station thought Tuesday night's appearance in the "Champs Sports Bowl" was worth broadcasting.

But the owners of the Columbus Cottonmouths announced in April they'd move the team to Florida's west coast. Somehow the Cottonmouths resurfaced in the fall in a new league - proving a chop at the head doesn't always kill a snake.

While the Cottonmouths left the Civic Center in April, the country band "Alabama" showed up for a concert. Columbus residents view the group's songs a bit differently. They hear "Mountain Music," and think of a parade in Pine Mountain.

Brian Sharpe left WRBL in April after several years, to take a job with the Columbus Chamber of Commerce. Maybe the one-cent sales tax would have in November if Sharpe had issued a "Recreation Report Card" about it.

Rep. Tom Buck announced a career change as well in April, retiring from the Georgia Legislature. Former Columbus Councilor Richard Smith will have his seat in January - so truly the Buck has been passed.

Riverfest returned to its roots in April, holding its annual spring party on Broadway in the Historic District. They were flushing hydrants in that area just the other day - so the hooligans hid their vandalism really well.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

22 DEC 04: KEEP THE CHANGE

Tuesday's Ledger-Enquirer clarified what sort of economic boycott Jesse Jackson is declaring on Columbus. I went to bed Monday night wondering whether I should tell an ambulance driver to send me to Opelika if I became ill. If enough people did this, couldn't David Glisson be blamed for killing MORE people?

It turns out Jesse Jackson of Rainbow/PUSH has called a boycott of Columbus's financial institutions. This includes AFLAC, the local banks - and I guess Fort Benning soldiers should stay away from all title pawn shops.

(Jesse Jackson might deny this boycott is about race - but let's face it, the AFLAC duck isn't brown....)

Jesse Jackson wants a financial boycott of Columbus until two things happen. The big thing is the federal prosecution of former deputy David Glisson, for shooting Kenneth Walker. But Jackson may be overlooking something - how Muscogee County voted for John Kerry for President, so the Bush administration might not really care.

Jesse Jackson's other demand is for the Georgia Legislature to pass a bill making racial profiling illegal. We'd consider this an excellent suggestion -- except we can't help noticing none of the top civil rights leaders in the state are white.

Jesse Jackson's boycott announcement in Atlanta stunned a lot of Columbus leaders - including some African-American leaders who work at places being boycotted. For instance, Rep. Calvin Smyre is a vice-president at Synovus. Does he quit that nice job? And is there room at the Waggoners for any more truck drivers?

Columbus Councilor Nathan Suber actually suggested Tuesday people should NOT cancel their AFLAC insurance policies, or pull their money out of CB&T. But I suppose an automatic withdrawal of any interest to the Rainbow/PUSH Georgia office would be acceptable.

Nathan Suber openly wished Jesse Jackson had talked with local Columbus officials, before announcing the financial boycott. I think this courtesy is known among politicians as "political cover...."

The Jesse Jackson boycott announcement also took a lot of Columbus journalists by surprise. Civil rights leaders William Howell and Wayne Baker showed up in Atlanta, apparently without telling any TV station what was happening. These ministers want publicity -- but do they REALLY expect reporters to follow them 24 hours a day?

Did Jesse Jackson overspeak by declaring a financial boycott of Columbus? Antonio Carter of the National Action Network revealed Tuesday it was discussed weeks ago during a conference call -- but only as one possible option. It's nice to know Jackson supports democracy and "one man, one vote" in cases like this.

Fourth Street Baptist Church Pastor J.H. Flakes said a boycott was called because "the majority don't have a voice." They don't?! How many votes for Sheriff and District Attorney were ruled invalid last month?

After all this, is it still possible to have One Columbus? Pastor J.H. Flakes thinks so. He called Tuesday for a series of "bridge-building sessions" among ethnic communities during 2005. If they want to go ahead and replace the aging Dillingham Bridge, we wouldn't object to that.

We can think of other steps which can be taken right now, to promote One Columbus:

+ Disco Fashions on Broadway can do a TV commercial with some white models.

+ Davis Broadcasting can swap the announcing staffs of "FM-92 The River" and "Foxie 105-FM" for a day. Would half of their listeners even notice a difference?

+ A white family could move into the East Wynnton Park neighborhood -- to prove the children in that ad are right, and everybody DOES have fun.

Former deputy David Glisson could make a move, which saves the city of Columbus a lot of headaches and national prestige. But that answer raises another difficult question. If he goes to Guantanamo Bay, which suspected terrorist goes free in his place?

Now let's take our hands off our bank accounts for a moment, and consider other items from Tuesday:

+ Columbus Council agreed to create a four-way stop sign at 42^nd and Oates Avenue. Now we'll know for sure if Adam Johnson has been drinking too much on this street....

+ Georgia's Public Service Commission granted Georgia Power a 4.2 percent rate increase. It's the utility's first increase in 13 years - and suddenly, we don't feel guilty anymore about not hanging Christmas lights.

+ Georgia's Education Department released results of high school "End-of-Course" exams. A calculator on the Atlanta newspaper web site revealed more than 45 percent of Muscogee County students failed to meet the state standard for U.S. history. They're perfect candidates for the University of Georgia - where Michael Adams wants everyone to forget Vince Dooley.

+ Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville agreed in principle on a lengthy contract extension -- only hours after Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino signed one of his own. Once again, a long shadow covers the Plains....

+ Instant Message to WHAL-AM: What do you mean you're on "from Uptown to Downtown?" Don't you realize in Columbus, Uptown IS downtown?

2004 IN REVIEW CONTINUED: March was a decisive month for Georgia, as voters endorsed the current state flag. We're still waiting for supporters of the old flag in Taylor and Sumter Counties to announce they're seceding from the union.

A giant display was unveiled on the Hamilton town square in March, showing the Ten Commandments. Supporters have been a bit disappointed ever since - because Roy Moore hasn't stopped by to bless it.

Central Columbus celebrated in March when a new Chick-fil-A restaurant opened on Wynnton Road. I'm not saying other restaurants are running scared - but the Sonic on Wynnton Road plans to be open this Saturday evening.

The Kenneth Walker case dragged on during March. Friends of David Glisson started their own web site. Opponents of Sheriff Ralph Johnson started a recall petition drive. To this day, I don't know why these groups haven't merged....

Albany's Ken Hodges was named a special prosecutor over the Kenneth Walker case in March. Then came Thanksgiving week, a grand jury - and civil rights groups didn't consider him very special anymore.

A Columbus Police officer was in trouble with the law for a few days in March - Officer Larry Lightning. With a name like that, why doesn't he drive cars at East Alabama Motor Speedway?

Auburn's Colonial Mall changed its name in March, to "Colonial University Village." I'm still trying to figure out which map the owners checked, when they decided Alabama was a U.S. colony.

(Maybe this mall gave someone the wrong idea - because days after the name change, Auburn University's Interim President fired both the Athletic Director and men's basketball coach.)

Columbus High School's girls basketball team played in a state championship game in March. Compare that with Tuesday, when the Lady Blue Devils could only score about 15 points in a half. Ashley Powell isn't coaching this team anymore, and opponents are much more focused on the game.

But Auburn University pulled a double in March - with both the men's and women's swim teams capturing national titles. Hopefully students understood, when the teams came home and rolled Toomer's Corner with plush bath towels.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

21 DEC 04: SAFELY IN THE CORNER

Fort Benning issued a revised list of banned businesses Monday. Reporters peered over it not only for which names were there, but which names were not. It was a little bit like checking the list of speakers at an old Soviet Communist Party conference.

(It's tempting to say Fort Benning's list shows who's been naughty and who's been nice - but hold on. The generals are letting soldiers visit "adult nightclubs" again.)

Four businesses which were declared off-limits to Fort Benning soldiers during the summer now are OK again. The best-known name on the list is the Coach's Corner sports bar. So maybe the weirdos have been moved down the shopping center, to New Life Tanning....

Employees of Coach's Corner admit the Benning ban caused plenty of damage to their business. After all, ordinary customers felt an obligation to buy visiting soldiers a drink. They don't feel that way when Columbus State students walk in to watch games.

Fort Benning also lifted the restrictions on two Victory Drive lounges: Cellars and the Gold Lounge. As cold as it's been, the generals apparently decided soldiers needed a steamy place to go.

Cellars Lounge made the biggest public stink about the Fort Benning "hit list." The managers posted signs declaring they were NOT to blame for Columbus's drug problem. Apparently Benning finally decided the methamphetamines were brought in by Lee County customers.

A Fort Benning spokesman explained businesses which came off the off-limits list had made progress toward eliminating a drug problem. So I guess the Candlelight Motel is off the list, because the maids sprayed more powerful air freshener in every room.

Yet Fort Benning's new "hit list" also is noteworthy for the businesses still there. "Drive One" is mentioned, even though its building on Victory Drive has been vacant for weeks. Shouldn't Benning make a pre-emptive strike, and ban "Drive Two" as well?

The Fort Benning list still includes a Chinese restaurant near 8^th and Veterans Parkway - the one that turned into a burger stand in the spring, and has nothing in it now. You'd almost think Benning's generals are waiting for police to remove Chinese spy agency listening devices from the walls.

Another Chinese restaurant remains off-limits - but this case is even more confusing. Fort Benning's list calls it by the "Chopstick House," but the sign on Victory Drive has shown the name "China Inn Express" for months. This shows how confusing that closure of Interstate 185 was for people....

There's one noteworthy addition to Fort Benning's list - three life insurance companies. They're accused of offering soldiers what sounded like investment plans, but really were pricy insurance policies the soldiers didn't need. And if supplemental insurance from AFLAC wasn't available, what good were they?

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION about AFLAC wrapped up Monday - and an overwhelming 73 percent of blog voters say the company should have kept its old logo, instead of making a new one (8-3). So I guess we can say the new look is not "just ducky."

This is one matter that it seems people are talking about privately, but no one wants to mention publicly. But we must remember AFLAC has been a rather quirky place for years. Which reminds me -- did anyone move in to Elena Amos's parking garage rooftop house?

BLOG UPDATE: Civil rights activist Jesse Jackson called Monday for an economic boycott of Columbus, because of the shooting of Kenneth Walker. If S.O.A. Watch honors this boycott, countless local residents will consider it a dream come true.

This economic boycott will be interesting to watch. How many businesses on Buena Vista and St. Mary's Roads will go under, because their customers will drive to Phenix City to shop?

(But then again, how will the city of Columbus pay for that $100 million lawsuit filed by Kenneth Walker's family? With no sales tax revenue, the city could go bankrupt -- and Willie Gary could wind up City Manager.)

Jesse Jackson and the "Concerned Black Clergy" of Atlanta compared the shooting of Kenneth Walker to the beating of Rodney King by Los Angeles police in 1991. Now this seems a bit unfair! Absolutely no one in Columbus rioted, after David Glisson went unindicted.

Local Rainbow/PUSH leader William Howell told WXTX "News at Ten" a mid-January protest march in Columbus is designed in part to "bring about harmonious inclusion...." We think this means Atlanta activists will be included in the protest....

Now other quick items left outside to freeze in the Monday chill:

+ The morning low in Columbus was 21 degrees F. -- and WDAK's Chris Weber declared it was "too cold to frost." Obviously this man never has had to defrost a freezer in his kitchen.

+ The wife of former Auburn basketball coach Cliff Ellis revealed she's thinking about running for political office. How embarrassing could this be? If she can persuade more voters than her husband did basketball referees....

+ Instant Message to the man who told me he called SafetyCab for a free ride home, and the phone rang for nine minutes: Did you realize Columbus had that many drunks, needing help ahead of you?

2004 IN REVIEW CONTINUED: February was a difficult month in terms of employment. T-SYS laid off hundreds of workers. Public safety employees staged several public protests. And who knows how many of them bragged to friends about getting a nice new job at Char-Broil.

Perhaps the most newsworthy firing in February came when Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson fired Deputy David Glisson. Ten months later, some civil rights leaders still aren't satisfied - because we still haven't seen Glisson's full face on camera, with no sunglasses on.

But February was a big month in terms of entertainment. The Junior League staged a "Follies" show. "Barney" the dinosaur appeared at the Civic Center. And "Cats" was presented at the RiverCenter - somehow without celebrity veterinarian Hank Hall in a cameo role.

In sports, the Atlanta Hawks traded for Rasheed Wallace -- then traded him again after one game to Detroit. Wallace wound up winning an N.B.A. title, while the Hawks kept changing players like a guy in a fantasy league.

The Columbus baseball team changed its name in February, from the Waves to the Catfish. The team mascot became a character named "Hook" - but it's minor league baseball, so he has yet to become Captain Hook.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

20 DEC 04: GUYS' DAY OUT

"Prestige hams." Those were the first words out of the man's mouth, at the back of a Columbus Winn-Dixie store. Those words alone struck me as funny. I mean, have YOU ever considered a ham prestigious?

"Where are the Prestige hams?" the man went on to ask an attendant in the meat section the other day. I gained the feeling this middle-aged man only goes into supermarkets for a different spelling of Hamms - as in the beer from Minnesota.

As a single guy, I've grown used to making grocery trips every couple of weeks. And the guys who seem uncomfortable on a grocery trip become rather easy to spot. For instance, they're the ones who meander a cart around the aisles the way some people hunt for just the perfect spot in the parking lot....

On the day I encountered the man looking for Prestige hams, other meats were on my mind. Take the pound of ground turkey I bought for next weekend. It tends to cost less the ground beef. It's lower in fat. And you don't have to worry about injuring yourself, carving it at the table.

Then it was on down the aisle, for a package of hot dogs. I keep a package in the freezer now, in case I get invited out for weekend dining. So if you come to visit, remember - for me, a "three dog night" means something very different.

But back to our ham-hunter: as I collected my meat, I reached the conclusion this man came with specific instructions from his wife -- and those instruction were, "Prestige ham." Repeat a short phrase often enough, and it starts to sink through men's brains.

Being ever the sneaky blogger, I didn't stop to hear every word the attendant at Winn-Dixie told the man. But I suspect the Prestige hams were gone, because the customer next asked: "Where are the turkeys?" Just think - in almost any other business, this question would refer to the management.

Some grocery stores used to help customers such as this man, by hanging big cardboard pictures of foods above the areas where they're sold. I still remember a smiling cartoon potato hanging above the potato section of a store back home. Of course, these days Mr. Potato Head might sue for copyright infringement...

I made one more stroll past the meat section of the store before checking out. That man was still there, only now on a cell phone. Truly these phones provide security - in this case, against a big argument with the spouse at the kitchen door.

Hopefully that man found the meat he needed to satisfy his wife. But after all these years, the stories of finding romance in the supermarket aisle haven't become reality for me. You go looking for something sweet, and wind up with nothing but frozen food.

2004 IN REVIEW: Someone asked me the other day what the number-one local story of the year was - and to me it only seemed obvious. If you don't think it was the Kenneth Walker case, you must work in attorney Richard Hagler's law office.

This past year began with civil rights leaders in an uproar over the way the Sheriff's Department handled the Kenneth Walker case. The Interdenominational Ministerial Alliance handled out pamphlets comparing local law officers to the Taliban of Afghanistan. Yet I don't recall one woman filing a sex discrimination suit all year.

Dr. William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH warned in January he might call for a boycott of Columbus Civic Center events, because of the Kenneth Walker. Was he ever surprised, when most of the city boycotted his recall petition drive.

Some of the quotes made in January about the Kenneth Walker look rather interesting, one year later:

+ Dwayne Brown, the attorney for Walker's fellow passengers on that fateful night, said District Attorney Gray Conger "can't be impartial" in the case. So why are many civil rights leaders so angry now, and calling Conger a buck-passer?

+ The I.M.A. pamphlet called on Georgia's Attorney General Thurbert Baker to intervene in the case. Will this group now challenge Baker's re-election, for handing the investigation over to the wrong man?

+ Edward DuBose of the NAACP called for a Citizen's Review Board, to check law officer misconduct cases. That board became reality - but now DuBose probably wishes he had included law officer's sons like Adam Johnson.

+ William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH called for Mayor Bob Poydasheff and Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue to resign. Imagine if they had - the Republicans might have been even more dominant in the November election.

+ David Glisson's attorney said he sent his "deepest condolences" to the family of Kenneth Walker. But the way Richard Hagler talked about Walker at the end of the year, you were almost left with the feeling Walker deserved to only be wounded.

As all this unfolded, Columbus city government gave the Deputy City Managers big pay raises. Public safety workers were kept waiting all year - but thankfully H.H. Gregg showed up in November, with its deep discount pricing on appliances.

Also in January, a tanker truck caught fire on Interstate 185 on a Saturday morning. It brought plenty of stares from passers-by - since barbecue pits don't tend to create that much smoke.

The Presidential campaign came to our area in January. Howard Dean visited Jimmy Carter's church in Plains - then less than 48 hours later doomed his campaign by trying to shout like a Pentecostal preacher.

John Edwards later visited downtown Columbus. He wound up as John Kerry's running mate - but he never returned to the city, while Dick Cheney made an appearance before Election Day. A 1-1 tie apparently goes to the party in power.

January also was a time of condolences in Columbus, as local gospel singer Jake Hess died. At least, we think he died - but every time there's a Gaither Homecoming hour or infomercial on TV-16, there he is....

Speaking of television, WRBL dropped live Georgia Lottery drawings in January. Have you noticed no one has picked them up since? Not even WCGT shows them - perhaps because that station would lose lots of money from preachers canceling church broadcasts.

Columbus was challenged to lose 10,000 pounds in January, during the "Weigh Down Columbus" campaign. A lot of people lost weight -- but I don't recall any barbecue restaurants going out of business.

Callaway Gardens made its own reduction during January, cutting about 25 jobs. But at least none of the flowers and trees were outsourced to China....

Auburn University was in turmoil in January, as President William Walker resigned. The Auburn football team hasn't lost a game since, so maybe he was a walking curse.

January found the Columbus Riverdragons in last place in the standings. Now they're in first place - so I guess it pays for the management to open that wallet, and spend a few hundred more dollars on free agents.

At the end of January, I posted a blog entry urging you to join me in boycotting the Super Bowl. Recall my #1 reason?

1. MTV is producing the Super Bowl half-time show. Do you really want to risk your family seeing another Britney Spears-Madonna style kiss?

Two words - Janet Jackson.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Watch for more of our 2004 review in coming days....)

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

19 DEC 04: MOW, MOW, MOW

The last two weeks had me working an all-night shift - and that meant sleeping during the day. It's really not that bad in December, as sunlight comes through the bedroom window to warm me at midday. And if you close the door to the room with the telephone, it's like telemarketers don't even exist.

But one afternoon this past week was a bit different. I was awakened at about 2:15 p.m. by a familiar, yet surprising sound. One of my neighbors at the apartment complex likes to tinker with a 1970's-era Volkswagen Beetle But did he have to choose this time to actually attempt to drive it?

But no, it wasn't an old car making that noise outside. I got out of bed and peered out the window to confirm what it was -- a man pushing a lawnmower. A poem immediately jumped into my mind. But this mower was NOT pushed by a fat guy in a red suit, handing out gifts....

The sight of a man cutting the grass stunned me. I went to my atomic clock and verified it was still mid-December -- and I had not hibernated until late March.

Never to my knowledge had the landlord sent someone to mow the lawn in December -- and this visit came after a couple of below-freezing mornings, which left frost on the lawn. This was an apartment complex, not a country club golf course....

I peeked out the door to see if the lawnmower man actually was cutting any grass - and I couldn't tell much difference in the rows he mowed. Either the change was microscopic, or this man must have needed extra money from outdoor work to pay holiday bills.

(One thing his lawnmower DID was blow dead leaves around, when he trimmed grass around hedges. So maybe it was a subtle message for residents to get some exercise, by going outside and raking.)

A check on 4^th Street later in the afternoon indicated a city work crew recently mowed grass around the Oglethorpe Bridge as well. This work usually is done by prison inmates -- but is punishing them worth the cost of burning all that gasoline in the engines?

Yet I can't recall ever seeing people cut the grass in Columbus this deep into December before. We DO have seasons here, unlike the year-round warmth of much of Florida. Maybe my landlord is taking the news stories about global warming more seriously than I thought.

Could grass-cutting like this partly explain why Columbus has made the federal government's "non-attainment list" for the Clean Air Act? Mayor Bob Poydasheff told WRBL Saturday night any pollution in Columbus is beyond the city's control -- well, unless enough people file lawsuits to shut down Continental Carbon.

Russell County also made the Environmental Protection Agency's non-attainment list. Of course, this could mean many things in Russell County - like having bad air, not finding missing money at the Middle School, not attempting to bring business to Seale....

But is there another overlooked reason for the clean air problem? Several people reported a big plume of smoke and ash from Fort Benning Saturday - another of the post's "controlled burns." You'd think soldiers in basic training could be forced to chop down all those trees, instead.

"Controlled burns" produce a smoky smell near Fort Benning at various times of the year. In fact, civil rights groups should be thankful prosecutors haven't burned any evidence in the Kenneth Walker case out there....

Now let's cut other things down to size on this last weekend of fall:

+ S.O.A. Watch received an award from an institute in Spain, for its efforts to influence international policy through protest. Apparently this institute scores based on headcounts, as opposed to actually changing anything.

+ Davis Broadcasting held its annual toy giveaway at the Civic Center. First St. Luke United Methodist Church did this, then "Shop with a Cop," and now Davis Broadcasting. It almost makes you wonder if some parents make the "toy circuit," the way some golfers go to tournament stops.

+ The American Red Cross office was visited by "Hooters girls," wrapping gifts for blood donors. I knew they served sweet treats in the canteen area, but this is getting ridiculous....

+ The Atlanta Falcons blew a fourth-quarter lead, then fought back to crush Carolina 34-31 in overtime. The game came down to a winning kick by Jay Feeley - or as I call ir now, a "Feeley Goal."

COMING MONDAY: We begin our year-end review of the Columbus area in 2004....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

18 DEC 04: PARKWAY CROSSING

I could have witnessed a violent collision this afternoon, but I closed my eyes and didn't. And no, it had nothing to do with the Steelers-Giants football game -- or running into crowds of shoppers at Peachtree Mall.

It happened at the intersection of Weems Road and Parkway Drive. It's not Veterans Parkway or Pepperell Parkway - it's named "Parkway." The people living on that street must like to keep things as simple as possible.

Parkway Drive ends at Weems Road, and across Weems there's a bread store. I was stopped eastbound on Weems, waiting to turn left into the bread store parking lot - and that makes me a weirdo right there. I was a patient driver....

As I waited for traffic to clear to turn left, a car on my right decided to cross Weems - from Parkway into the bread store parking lot. He did this as a big green SUV rolled westbound down the hill. I was waiting on that SUV. That other driver must have needed a loaf of bread really bad.

The driver of the white car on my right rolled across Weems VERY slowly - and the green SUV simply kept coming. That's what I closed my eyes. At moments like that, any car about to get hit looks like it has a tail as long as a 1959 Chevy.

There was no horn-honking, no screeching of brakes, no nothing - simply a thudding CRASH to my left. After it happened, I opened my eyes. My guess of a crash was correct. And my guess that neither vehicle would carom my way also was correct. Maybe I should have majored in engineering after all.

The green SUV sat in the westbound lane of Weems Road, not looking too damaged. The white car was smashed in the back - but at least its tire iron was still in one piece. It was smack-dab in the middle of the bread store parking lot, but it was there.

At least the wreck cleared enough room for me to turn left, into the bread store parking lot. I went inside to do my business, and told an employee I doubted either driver in the crash ever noticed the other. But then again, should I have honked MY horn to alert them? Or would they both have aimed their vehicles at me?

Heading back outside, Columbus police already were at the scene of the wreck. An officer arrived in less than three minutes! He must know a shortcut from Columbus Park Crossing traffic duty I've never found before.

The police officer took a statement from three people walking a dog. They passed the bread store parking lot just before the crash, and talked like they hurried away to prevent being hit. But they were on the other side of a fence! Maybe they expected the SUV to keep rolling downhill -- because many drivers act like they don't have brakes.

I walked over to the officer and offered to share what I saw, but he said he already had all the information he needed. I never said who I was - so how could he tell I was one of those journalists you're not supposed to trust with the facts?

At that moment I encountered the driver of the green SUV - wearing a University of Oklahoma cap. I resisted the urge to make a clever remark about Kansas. I wanted to drive on to church in one piece.

Now other notes from a comfortable December weekend -- well, so far it is:

+ A Saturday evening jog on the Riverwalk was my longest nonstop run in two years -- more than three miles! My ears were burning a bit as I slowed to a walk, but I really don't think a nine-minute pace was THAT fast.

+ On the course, I noticed something new at the north edge of the downtown Riverwalk. A display of lights extends onto what looks like an island in the Chattahoochee, next to the old Eagle and Phenix Mill. Now there's a clever way of making sure the river levels don't rise too high.

+ A couple of blocks down the course, I was distracted by a couple of people sliding down the big hill from Bay Avenue to the Riverwalk. They slid down on flattened giant cardboard boxes. Some people want snow flurries Sunday in the WORST way....

+ Meanwhile, back at church our Pastor spoke on "The Wrath of God." He spoke against evolution, the show "Desperate Housewives," the upcoming TV show "Medium," some kind of anti-herpes drug, the makers of Celebrex, the movie "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" -- and I think he was FOR something, too.

+ Instant Message to Brian Baldinger of Fox Sports: Thanks for confusing all the viewers today - telling them the Falcons game was TOMORROW night, instead of tonight. Maybe that's why you're on the fourth or fifth-string broadcast team.

(And another thing: what do you mean, Tommy Tuberville had a great year in "Opelika, Alabama?" Auburn is the city next door! The cities only act at times like they've merged.)

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

17 DEC 04: FOUR IN THE BOX

Let's clean the e-mails out of the blogger's In-Box today - starting with a reply to an Instant Message we sent 28 Nov:

+ To WRCG radio: I like those new, rocking jingles. But as someone who scans the AM dial a lot, it's going to take awhile for me to sing your letters instead of "WBBM" in Chicago where I heard the jingles first.

I agree! I heard the jingle for the first time today... now all I can sing is "NewsRadio 780... WBBM" - I can't get it out of my head!!!

I haven't corresponded with you in a while... hope you're doing well.

-Blaine

That's as in Blaine Stewart of WRBL - who has brought back the on-air "Restaurant Report Card" on Thursday nights in recent weeks. There's no better to enjoy your 6:00 p.m. dinner than to hear him explain which restaurants have kitchens even messier than yours.

(I honestly thought I'd lost Blaine Stewart as a reader after the spat over WRBL colleague Candace Cook's hairstyle earlier this year. It's nice to see even major controversies such as this one can heal.)

In Columbus, of course, the "Newsradio" title has been taken by WDAK. But WRCG doesn't even call itself "news-talk" anymore - and given the fact that their five-minute network news is cut in half every morning, that's only fair.

Let's move on to a different Instant Message. On 2 Dec we said Schlotzsky's Deli near Cross-Country Plaza was "keeping bankers' hours, of 11:00 - 3:00." That brought this reply from the Pacific Coast:

Are the bankers in Georgia working 11:00 - 3:00? Here in California the banks are open from 9:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m. Monday through Friday. The banks open up again on Saturday mornings from 10:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m. When I was working at a bank the hours the bank was open were 10:00 - 3:00 but we had to be there at 8:00 a.m. and left at 5:00 p.m., so we didn't really have "bankers hours"

Wow, someone sticking up for bankers! Well, maybe I shouldn't put "stick up" and "bank" in the same sentence....

When I was in college, my bank was open weekdays from 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. - even on Fridays. It was no wonder more college students flocked to the 24-hour donut shop a few blocks down the street.

But perhaps the phrase "bankers' hours" is becoming passe. In Columbus, I was surprised to learn awhile back that my bank actually is open until 5:00 p.m. every afternoon. I presumed it would close at 4:00 - but then again, Oprah Winfrey is on an hour later here than in Atlanta.

The opening times are a bit curious, though. My bank's downtown office opens at 9:00 a.m. - but drive-through windows a couple of blocks away don't open until 9:30. Is this where the problem employees are assigned?

Since I keep a Saturday Sabbath, I honestly don't know what local banks do on that day. But the SunTrust branch inside the Bradley Park Drive Publix store isn't open on Sunday anymore. You'd think this would only happen at a Lewis-Jones store....

I'm thrilled to report my computer still is functioning normally, after two weeks of crisis. During those problems, we received some guidance from Alabama:

Richard, I don't know the computer expert to whom you refer [8 Dec], but I suggest that you look for another expert! A static electricity discharge can damage computer equipment, but I've never heard of a build up of static energy that takes 24 hours to dissipate, thus rendering the computer inert! 'Tis the season for static electricity, so make sure to discharge the static buildup in you body before going in the next time.

As for the ATAPI incompatibility error, I suspect it is the old CD-ROM device driver that is incompatible with the new CD-RW drive you purchased. Did your computer expert forget to tell you to install the new device driver when you replaced the "tray"?

Also, if Cisco Systems made (or supports) your CD-ROM, they must have branched out from the router business! But, then again, Cisco's routers have always been overpriced!

Good luck with getting your computer repaired. Just an observation from an ex-Columbusite who enjoys reading your blog from Birmingham, AL.

Craig

PS. Are you sure your computer wasn't at Chef Lee's when it should have been at the shop?

Thanks for the guidance, Craig. I admit my "detailed knowledge" of computers stops at HTML - which I think is Microsoft's corporate abbreviation for Hotmail.

I suppose there are many ways to prevent "static energy." For one thing, we could all stay in bed and be completely static....

(Remember: You can't get AIDS from a doorknob - but you can get a static electricity jolt, which feels like God is punishing you anyway.)

An incompatible driver, eh? I thought that only happened on NASCAR racing teams -- or maybe when a wife thinks her husband is going too fast down the highway.

(And who or what is ATAPI, anyway? Did this company merge with Atari back in the 1980's or something?)

Maybe it wasn't Cisco Systems which my computer shop consulted, after all. The Internet problems were such a blur -- maybe the man said "Siskel," as in the late movie critic.

I must say Craig made my week, when he suggested my computer might have been at Chef Lee's. If someone spotted it there, I hope they let me know - that is, if they weren't too busy following Marshal Ken Suddeth around.

Our last e-mail is a reminder that the things you do can inspire other people:

Just to let you know that I found your blog quite by accident but has inspired me to create my own. Thanks for the inspiration though I do reserve the right to critique someday when turn-about becomes fair play... Best wishes and thanks...

This message comes from "MFH," a former Smiths Station newspaper writer and the creator of "Pooblog." This new blog declares the center of the universe to be the Chattahoochee River - which will come as a shock to the Columbus residents who think it's Edward DuBose.

Please don't be confused -- the "POO" in Pooblog stands for "Persistence of Opinion." Your children won't find any stories of the three-acre wood here. Maybe two-acre lots in Harris County, but not that....

I was amazed to find the title of the Pooblog includes a quote from Galileo. With all due respect, people in this area tend not to show themselves as this highbrow and literate. In fact, some of them still might doubt Galileo's theory about the Earth revolving around the sun.

COMING THIS WEEKEND: Was that noise outside my window Thursday what I thought it was?....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

16 DEC 04: READY TO RUMBLE

The members of Fort Benning's Third Brigade rolled out of bed early Wednesday morning, for a three-mile run at 6:00 a.m. They went running outside in below-freezing temperatures - so based on a comment my Pastor made at church years ago, every soldier in the Third Brigade is a fool.

The predawn run was part of a mass pep rally for the Third Brigade. Wednesday marked the last time the soldiers will be together before they deploy to Iraq -- where the running is a lot harder, with all that desert sand.

Only at a place like Fort Benning would a three-mile run in below-freezing weather be considered "bonding." Or in this case, the soldiers might have frozen together....

After the run, the Third Brigade received a pep talk from Commander Stephen Salazar. He reminded soldiers the assignment ahead will be to "serve Iraq." I'm glad we settled that issue! If Iraq's new government tells the troops to get lost, they'll come home early.

Col. Stephen Salazar noted in his pep talk the Third Brigade is likely to lose some soldiers while on duty in Iraq. There's one way to increase your chances of survival. Pack your knapsack with as much scrap armor as you can find.

Col. Stephen Salazar says the Third Brigade will focus on security while overseas. Among other things, they'll train Iraqi police officers -- hopefully in things such as how not trip over suspects lying prone along a roadside....

Another task for the Third Brigade will be to monitor Iraq after its Presidential election. Am I the only one who finds the timing of this vote interesting - on the "dead Sunday" before the Super Bowl? The better for keeping a soldier's attention, I suppose....

Col. Stephen Salazar believes the Third Brigade will be better prepared for duty in Iraq this time, compared with 2003. Soldiers have had plenty of training. There's additional armor for their humvees. And they don't have to worry about their every move costing their Commander-in-Chief his job.

The Third Brigade will go its separate ways for the next couple of weeks, to be with friends and family. This time also will give soldiers a chance to think long and hard about whether they want to go back to Iraq. If they don't, they merely have to go out to dinner at Coach's Corner.

BIG PREDICTION UPDATE: Much to my surprise and delight, the price of gasoline actually dropped again in parts of the area Wednesday. This is why I've never considered giving stock picks....

One of the leading stations in the big price-drop is a Mystik on Broad Street in Phenix City. Its price for regular unleaded fell to $1.63 Wednesday - but with a name like "Mystik," are the managers doing this by sticking pins in an Arab oil sheik voodoo doll?

Now the final rush for Wednesday:

+ WRBL reported passenger traffic at Columbus Airport was up two percent in November. The airport manager calls this significant - but any employee would tell you a two-percent raise isn't much.

+ Students at J.D. Davis Elementary School went on a "field trip" to Peachtree Mall. Hopefully the teachers were tall enough to block their view of the Victoria's Secret windows.

+ Auburn University Interim President Ed Richardson extended holiday break by two days, to cover the Sugar Bowl appearance January 3. So why didn't he do this when the Auburn swim teams actually WON national championships?

+ Instant Message to Superior Court Judge Bobby Peters: You won. You're now in office. You can take the reminder to vote July 20 off your web site now.

SCHEDULED FRIDAY: Nothing but your e-mails, as we clean out the InBox....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

15 DEC 04: COLD CUTS

Boy, is it getting cold in Columbus! Why, this Wednesday morning may be about as cold as attorney Richard Hagler's heart toward the Kenneth Walker family....

The weather experts warned Columbus was in for its first "hard freeze" of the season. For transplants from up north like me, it's really not hard at all. You just put on a winter coat and a hat....

The weather experts issued the usual warnings about bringing in your pets and your plants from the cold. But have you noticed they never suggest bringing in your car? They must realize most people have too much clutter in their garages to park a car inside them.

I'd held out all this time from turning on the heat at home, but Tuesday night I could wait no longer. My residence has a different form of "central heat" - a gas furnace attached to a living-room wall.

It always takes me a few minutes to turn on the furnace pilot light for the winter - mainly because I only do it once a year, and I forget the right way to do it. If I had to use matches instead of a cigarette lighter, people would think I'm a chain smoker.

After about 15 minutes on my knees and prone on the floor, the furnace finally sprang to life. For a moment, a small wall of fire sparked from the bottom of the furnace - but it didn't last long enough for me to get some hot dogs and roast them.

I'd already taken my ice scraper to the car, expecting the first frozen windshield of the season. But when the key moment came to use it Tuesday morning, I couldn't find that thing! Only Tuesday evening did I discover it hiding under the passenger seat - which I suppose beats finding a scared passenger down there.

Chilly winter days mean no outdoor running for me - so once more I'm jogging on the gymnasium track at St. Luke United Methodist Church. Tuesday's run occurred during a youth basketball practice. But I regret to tell all Baptist and Presbyterian readers I did NOT take notes on any of their plays.

E-MAIL UPDATE: My computer seems to be back to normal at last, so let's get caught up on some of your recent comments:

Hi, I'm a new reader. Somehow I happened upon your website, can't remember now what I was searching for! Very interesting. Not quite sure the reason behind your website. I take it you just like Freedom of Speech? But I got a few laughs and liked it enough to pass it on to a few friends and to bookmark it for future reading.

Just out of pure curiosity ... what do you do for a living, who do you work for? And what church do you attend?

Also, I agree about Sheriff Jolley and his land, but if I'm not mistaken, I believe he inherited that land.

If you would, please respect my privacy and don't use my name on your website, I would like to remain anonymous.

Thanks!

We welcome you, Anonymous - or may we call you "Ann" for short?

What's the reason behind this blog? Welllllll, uhhhhhh - you HAVE seen the plugs for my album at the top of the screen, right?

But seriously: this blog is an outgrowth of my attempt to become an Internet millionaire starting in 2000 with a subscription humor service called "LaughLine.com." The attempt lasted nearly three years - but when I didn't even become an Internet THOUSAND-aire, it was time to surrender.

Do I like freedom of speech? Believe it or not, the answer is yes-and-no. I support freedom to express views on issues - but when people express those views by using the same swear words over and over, I start leaning against it.

As for what I do for a living - I'm trying all sorts of things. Freelance work at a Columbus TV station pays the bills. Sales of my CD help keep the dream of a music career alive. And if enough people donate money to this blog, I'll give up those other things and try to become as wealthy as Matt Drudge.

The church I attend is the United Church of God. We meet Saturday afternoons in the "Woodmen of the World" building, down the street from the main post office and behind Dixie Home Crafters. I assume there are no trees around the building because the woodmen chopped them all down.

I'd forgotten about Harris County Sheriff Mike Jolley, and the dispute over how he wants to use some land in Hamilton [23 Nov]. It's logical to think he might have inherited that land. Of course, the Callaway family might have made some unusual campaign donations, too....

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll get to more of your e-mails as time permits, over the next few days.)

Now let's see what else happened of note on Tuesday:

+ Bobby Peters took the oath of office as Superior Court Judge. Before rumors start - I think the woman holding the Bible for him was his daughter, not his latest girlfriend.

(Does Judge Bobby Peters have to provide his own gavel for this job? Or did former Judge Roxann Daniel leave one behind - perhaps boobytrapped to explode, the first time he pounds it?)

+ Fort Benning Commanding General Benjamin Freakley confirmed ten thousand new soldiers and family members will be transferred to our area next year. There's never been a better time to own a barber shop....

+ The "Friends of David Glisson" web site was brought back online, and wished the former deputy a happy birthday. I assume Glisson's family is sensitive enough NOT to serve him a devil's food birthday cake.

+ Instant Message to the 74-year-old woman who called me to complain about the Scott Peterson case: Go ahead and write that book you mentioned, about calling Amber Frey a sinner. I'd like to see how you can expand that rant to 100 pages or more.

(So what did the jury in Redwood City, California tell Scott Peterson? Make like Amber - and FRY.)

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.65 a gallon at Mystik on the Phenix City side of the Dillingham Street bridge.... milk for $1.39 a half-gallon at Piggly Wiggly.... and lids from cans of tennis balls can make great emergency ice-scrapers....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

14 DEC 04: FULL STRENGTH

"It is ready," declared the owner of the computer shop when I called him around 4:15 p.m. Monday. After 16 days of troubles with my machine, this statement did not impress me. Ready for the junkpile, maybe?

"Is it calling up web pages?" I asked, reminding the computer shop of the problem which started all this. Even web pages stored in my computer were in "Garden of Eden" shape - as in "neither shall ye touch it, lest it die."

The computer seemed to be doing all right, but the computer shop owner agreed to go online and test the web page matter. But of course, that would take awhile. For one thing, he said he needed my Internet dial-up disc - the very one I drove home and brought him last week, which he still had. I'm thankful he doesn't change tires for a living.

The computer shop owner had me call back several times to see how things were going. Finally at 5:15 p.m., he said: "Come get it!" Yes, the machine was ready - and he wasn't tired of my persistent calling.

"Is this what you wanted to see?" asked the computer shop owner when I arrived. Sure enough, the CNN home page was on the screen. I didn't really want to see a big picture of death-row inmate Scott Peterson on it, but that's another matter....

(Which reminds me: I hereby invite all the reporters who covered the Scott Peterson trial to come to Columbus, and cover the Kenneth Walker civil suit. This especially goes for the good-looking ones, like Jennifer London of MSNBC.)

"Start saving your shekels," the computer shop owner told me as he unplugged the newly-restored computer. Start?! Shouldn't he have told me this before all these repairs started?

"In a year or two," he continued, "you won't be able to call up anything they'll be sending." The broadband wave of the Internet is going to make dial-up people like me look old-fashioned. Either I'll need a fancier computer, or keep settling for video from my broadcast-only TV.

Then came the moment of truth at the cash register - and the bill for all this effort was only 30 dollars! Well, the name IS Computer Discounters -- but how are they making money? Selling leftover computer parts at flea markets?

The 30-dollar bill was stunning to me, especially considering what I thought I was getting. "Only 30 dollars for a new hard drive...."

"It's a NEW hard drive?!?!" The computer shop owner was stunned by this. And in the true tradition of a repairman, he went straight for his screwdriver.

It turned out I misunderstood what the computer shop did. Instead of giving me a new hard drive, this business merely restored my old one. Uh-oh. Instesd of doing an "Extreme Makeover" on the most critical part of my computer, they simply rearranged and dusted it.

I'm pleased to report I could go online from home Monday night, so my computer seems to be back to normal after 16 days. And much to my surprise, the computer shop added Microsoft Word and Excel - showing they're really puppets of Bill Gates.

Now some quick notes from a Monday which didn't seem to have much news:

+ Which local TV reporter disclosed on the air he took an AIDS test last week - but never mentioned what the result was? Doesn't he realize how many rumors this will start?

+ Belated congratulations to WRCG's Robbie Watson - who I found out only Monday has a new baby boy. Once again, that other blog beats me to a big story....

+ Instant Message to WHAL-AM "Hallelujah 1460": I'm not complaining at all about this - but doesn't it seem strange that Sunny 100-FM is playing all that holiday music, and your "gospel" station is hardly playing any?

THE NEW BIG BLOG QUESTION is one we've been meaning to ask for a few days, but couldn't due to our computer problems. Did AFLAC make the right decision, by changing corporate logos to add the duck? Or do you think this is a first step toward an AFLAC amusement park?

COMING WEDNESDAY: If all keeps working, we'll finally catch up on your e-mail....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

13 DEC 04: LIFT AND SEPARATE

I guess I should take my Official Blog Camera everywhere I go - because I could have used it the other afternoon at a Walgreen's store. But of course, if I DID carry it everywhere I go, some store would detain me and claim I'm spying for the competition.

I approached the check-out at the Walgreen's store and heard the security alarm sound. I looked up so see a man hurrying out the door. We don't know what he took. But if you receive a holiday gift from this guy, remember -- it's the lack of thought that also counts.

"He was asking about gum," the woman behind the checkstand at Walgreen's told me later. "I told him it was 30, 35 cents now. He said, '35 cents!' And then he left." If this shoplifter is caught, he might attempt the Wrigley's Spearmint defense.

The woman came out from behind the checkstand when the security alarm sounded. "I'll wait. Go get him," I said to the woman. After she froze for a moment, she approached the entrance. Perhaps she thought I was part of a plot - but Walgreen's coupons are too good to waste like this.

As the woman stood in the entryway, two men rushed forward from other parts of the store and went outside. Walgreen's apparently has a plan for shoplifters like this - so imagine what will happen if you're the one-millionth customer at a store.

"I saw him for a second, but then he bolted," one of the pursuing employees said inside the store about a minute later. The shoplifter was faster than the Walgreen's staff. As someone who's searched high and low for help in finding items at a Walgreen's store, I guess this should have been no surprise.

With the shoplifter making a clean getaway, I proceeded to make the checkout woman's day. "I'll pay for my things...."

Since this is the busiest shopping season of the year, I suppose this is also the busiest time of year for shoplifters as well. So remember: if you see someone entering a store wearing a large pair of overalls, it may be for more than fashion - it could be for easily dividing stolen items into categories.

BLOG UPDATE: "Have I got great news for you!" were the first words from the "technical expert" at the computer shop Friday afternoon. I didn't quite know what to think of this statement. After nearly two weeks of repair letdowns, he might have gone online with my machine and won a lottery jackpot.

When last we left the saga of my ailing computer [9 Dec], the computer expert reported I needed to upgrade my Windows system. This would make my system compatible with my new CD tray, so I could run the "Restore CD" and regain full Internet access. So he added "Windows 98 Second Edition" - moving me within about five years of a new computer.

When I called the computer shop Thursday afternoon for a progress report on the Windows upgrade, the technical expert said, "It is done." Mistake #1: I didn't ask WHAT was done. Sometimes journalists shouldn't stop being journalists....

I drove to the computer shop with hope in my heart - but the owner stopped me cold. "Did you bring your AT&T disc?" No, I hadn't. He'd told me Thursday morning he'd need it to get on the Internet, after the Windows upgrade. As if a computer repair shop doesn't have its own Internet provider?!

Mistake #2: I drove home to find my AT&T Internet start-up disc, then hurried back to the computer shop. That was a mistake because the shop owner turned on my machine, and discovered the Internet access with an AT&T icon had been there all along. This will teach that company to sell out to Cingular....

So the Internet dial-up was fine, but my browsers still wouldn't call up any web pages - and when the computer shop owner put in the "Restore CD," the computer refused to accept it! I paced around the store in frustration, feeling a bit like Tommy Tuberville reading the B.C.S. standings.

Then the technical expert came out and told me in a stern voice, "You need to stop changing the settings!" Well, hold on - wasn't this the same man who told me days before I needed to change the computer settings, so CD-ROM would be the first option for booting my machine?! So many people in this city simply aren't used to their orders being followed.

The computer shop decided to take a closer look at my machine Friday - and that led to Friday afternoon's greeting from the technical expert. So what was his great news? "We need to start clean, with a new hard drive." Great news for his bank account, I suppose....

I was coming to the conclusion that a new hard drive was the only solution to this problem - so the technical expert's "great news" was no surprise. But thankfully, I made sure my new CD tray was capable of writing as well as playing. Thank you GPB, for inspiring my weekend activity by playing "Burn Baby Burn - Disco Inferno."

The computer shop staff allowed me to take my machine home for the weekend, to save all the material I could to CD. In a way, it's a bit like taking an ailing relative home from the hospital when there's nothing more doctors can do. Only in this case, you can't really file a malpractice suit....

So I spent most of the weekend saving five-and-a-half years of items from my computer onto CD-RW discs. The most essential stuff fit on three of them - and an Office Depot pack left me with seven leftover discs, for holding maybe a month's worth of spam.

Sunday marked two weeks since I was able to call up web pages at home. Today the computer goes to the shop for a FOURTH time, in the hopes a new hard drive will solve the problem once and for all. If it doesn't - well, there's always a telephone and toll-free numbers.

With the main Columbus library in transition, how does a blogger like me check e-mail on a weekend? On a hunch, I found a great alternative Sunday afternoon. Chattahoochee Valley Community College's library has Internet computers, open to all comers. And in the true tradition of liberal education - uhhhhh - no web filters to block porn.

If I can post a blog entry for Tuesday, you'll know my computer problems are solved. If I can't, you might be able to find my machine somewhere at the bottom of Lake Oliver.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

12 DEC 04: LESSONS LEARNED?

Did you see the "Looking Back" section of Saturday's Ledger-Enquirer? It's been 50 years since a Russell County grand jury made several historic suggestions for Phenix City. I was amazed to find not one of them mentioned used car lots.

The Russell County grand jury of late 1954 offered several ways to reinforce the "clean-up" of Phenix City. For instance:

1. Limits on businesses serving alcohol near the two downtown bridges. Obviously the people at Uptown Columbus, Inc. never read this part of the history book.

(What WAS going on early Friday morning on Broadway, which required the calling of several police officers? Was someone at Scruffy Murphy's a bit too roughy-tuffy?)

It's interesting to note earlier this year, Phenix City's police chief shut down a "sports bar" just across the street from the 13^th Street bridge. If ESPN can show the World Series of Poker over and over, I'm not sure why this place was singled out.

Given the 1954 suggestions, why are some people in Phenix City upset with the planned Cadillac Jack's nightclub? The U.S. 280 - U.S. 80 intersection is several miles inland from those wayward Fort Benning soldiers....

2. Increased pay for law officers, so they won't be tempted to engage in corruption. Truly some things never change.

3. Setting up a City Manager - Commission form of government. Won't Phenix City Manager Bubba Roberts be surprised when he comes back from National Guard duty, and finds out the commission tried to do away with his job while he was gone?

4. Putting numbers on Phenix City equipment and vehicles. Do you mean back in 1954, Alabama didn't have license plates?

5. An immediate purging of the city voter list. Uh-oh - I hope Judge Al Howard didn't read that part of the paper, because he might get some ideas.

I wasn't around in 1954, but it seems Phenix City has cleaned up its governmental act since 1954. After all, these days the only voting scandals involve Russell County Commission races....

BLOG UPDATE: As expected, the attorneys for Kenneth Walker's family have re-filed a $100 million lawsuit. The defendants include Sheriff Ralph Johnson and former deputy David Glisson - and if some callers to "TalkLine" don't watch their mouths, they might be added to the list.

Instant Message to the guy who called WRCG's TalkLine Friday to suggest Kenneth Walker might have wanted police to kill him, in a form of "suicide-by-cop": Then where was the suicide note, Mr. Super-Genius? Why hasn't David Glisson's
attorney brought it out to show reporters? Or are you trying to earn a consulting fee from him?

Walker family attorney Willie Gary says in a civil suit, "all the evidence will come out.... not just some." I hope he realizes that cuts both ways - and Richard Hagler might challenge Kenneth Walker's character, as if he's running for Superior Court Judge.

WRBL reports Judge John Allen will oversee the Kenneth Walker family's civil lawsuit. So there's a second person the plaintiffs are unlikely to blame, if things don't go the way they like. The first person was Georgia Attorney General Thurbert Baker - who somehow has not been accused of buck-passing, like Gray Conger has.

Now other items I've missed from the last couple of days:

+ The "Bi-City Christmas Parade" rolled through downtown Phenix City and Columbus. I keep waiting for a local Chamber of Commerce to take over this event, and change the title to "BUY-City."

+ Bill Heard Chevrolet held a "Buy Like a G.M. Employee" sale. Now what does this mean? Do I have to assemble part of the car myself?

+ John J. Hooker performed in concert at Muldoon's. There's no faster way to get on the Fort Benning "off-limits list" than to openly promote hookers like this.

+ Benning "hit list" member Cellar's Lounge tried to gain Hispanic customers by promoting an appearance by "Las Gatitas." Gato is the Spanish word for cat - but for some reason, those women on the posters weren't holding up kittens....

+ The Columbus Riverdragons added to their NBDL lead by beating Asheville, before an announced attendance at the Civic Center of less than 700. What does this team have to do -- hold a Baptist church service after the game?

+ One night later, WWE Wrestling made a stop at the Columbus Civic Center. Lest we forget - pro wrestlers were brawling in the crowd years before pro basketball players did.

BIG PREDICTION: I hope I'm wrong, but I predict the price-cutting trend at local gas stations will end this coming week -- even though OPEC isn't reducing production until January 1. You can't prepare too soon for these things, you know....

COMING MONDAY: An update on my computer problems.... or how I spent a chilly Saturday night....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

9 DEC 04: THE BUSY SEASON

"What's the name of that Microsoft program that lets you do spreadsheets?" a man asked me at a library Wednesday night. This normally would be no big deal - except the man asking this was the librarian on duty.

I knew this gray-haired man from the reference desk of the late, great Bradley Library. He's apparently assigned to the South Columbus branch during the transition to a new main library. But he had helpers at the Bradley. Here he was all alone - and I guess his Microsoft instruction book still was in a shipping cart.

I'm not sure why the librarian on duty came up to me to ask the spreadsheet question. Perhaps he recognized me as a regular patron. Perhaps it was my glasses, making me look like a computer geek. Certainly it couldn't have been because I was about the only other white person in the area.

"Excel," I said in response to the librarian's question about Microsoft spreadsheets. Yes, that's the correct answer. If only I knew as much about fixing computers....

(Which reminds me: the "tech expert" at the computer shop told me Wednesday "ATAPI Incompatible" means I need to upgrade my Windows operating system. I use Windows 98 -- which at least still is newer than my TV set and my car.)

But I digress: the librarians at South Columbus Branch expected more activity with the Bradley Library closing. But Wednesday night was the first time I had to wait for an Internet computer Students were at most of the machines, working on projects - and I'm delighted to say none of them were named "Solitaire."

My correct answer to the Excel question did NOT win me a place at a library computer. I bided my time browsing South Columbus branch newspapers. How did the Atlanta Journal-Constitution learn about the sexual harassment complaint against Habitat for Humanity's Millard Fuller, when the Americus paper didn't have it for a year?

After 30 minutes of waiting, a big man strolled into the computer area -- wearing "security" on his jacket. Yes, libraries in Columbus have bouncers. Whether this man had brass knuckles ready for visitors from Lumpkin, I don't know....

The Security man at this branch library acted a bit like a lifeguard at the swimming pool - guarding against horseplay by young people. Random acts of crayons on adult books simply will not be tolerated.

"They're turning over quickly," the librarian assured me when I walked into the public access computer area. Yet I wound up waiting 40 minutes before a machine became open. Maybe now the rest of you will calm down, while you're in line buying gifts at the mall.

It would be nice if area colleges opened their computer areas to public use, during the library transition. Why, Beacon University might even attract some non-Christians for preachers to practice on.

Now other non-fiction items from Wednesday:

+ A 961-page file was released to reporters on the Kenneth Walker case -- enough to make the "anniversary news coverage" of his death go on for several days.

+ A fund was set up at Citizens Trust Bank to help pay for the medical bills of young Alnyce Peterson. Peterson was hit by Adam Johnson's pick-up truck in October. Come to think of it, does Sheriff Ralph Johnson have any leftover campaign money?

+ The B.P. station at Manchester Expressway and Veterans Parkway made a bold move, lowering its gas price to $1.69 a gallon. You can tell we've become used to high prices when there was NO long line to get to a pump.

+ Instant Message to the Columbus Times: Kari Tornabene. I mean, if you're going to list the names and titles of all the civil rights leaders in your front-page photo, you could identify her beyond simply "TV-9 reporter."

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Our continuing computer problems have hindered us from posting and discussing your e-mail lately - but we will when we can.)

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

8 DEC 04: STILL STANDING

Auburn University came off accreditation probation Tuesday. Governor Bob Riley was happy. Interim President Ed Richardson was happy. And members of the Faculty Senate huddled in private, to check whether they were immune from Richardson firing them.

The Southern Association of Colleges and Schools decided Auburn had made enough
corrections to go off a one-year probation. Perhaps the best sign of change came at the Southeastern Conference championship game -- when trustees sat in a box separate from the coaching staff.

SACS apparently believes Auburn has changed sufficiently, and trustees no longer "micro-manage" university affairs. As we've come to know, this now is left to the Interim President.

Some faculty members at Auburn say even with the end of probation, trustees Bobby Lowder and Jack Miller still should resign for the good of the university. Either that, or their title should change to "distrust-ees."

Auburn students seem pleased by the SACS decision. They say with probation ended and accreditation still in effect, their degrees will be worth something when they graduate. It would have been a shame to see all those diplomas in the trees at Toomer's Corner....

Interim President Ed Richardson said with probation removed, he hoped "Auburn War Eagles" now can focus on other things. I guess that's why he's INTERIM President - because after one year, he hasn't learned "War Eagle" is a battle cry, not a person.

Will the Auburn faculty now turn their guns against Ed Richardson? Some instructors said Tuesday if he lingers on as Interim President, it will be "disastrous" for the university. These members should be patient about this - because after the Sugar Bowl, Tommy Tuberville might be interested in the job.

BLOG UPDATE: This entry again is being posted at a "secure undisclosed location" - because my home computer still won't let me on the Internet. The journalist in me is quite tempted to dub it, "Crisis in the Web: Day 10."

When last we whined - er, told you -- about this saga, I couldn't unscrew one screw on my computer case to change my CD tray and restore Internet service. Thankfully a neighbor came to my rescue Sunday afternoon, with a pair of pliers. Not for unscrewing, you understand - for banging on the screw, to get it loose.

With his help, the computer case came open - only there were more screws to undo to remove the computer CD tray. And my one "Phillips-head" screwdriver didn't fit any of them! It's enough to make you understand why Phillips is also a name for milk of magnesia.

With nearby hardware stores already closed late on Sunday afternoon, I admit I copped out - and went to Kmart. I've been boycotting those stores for keeping Martha Stewart items on the shelf - because how many other convicted felons would be allowed to do that? Well, other than the rap artists....

I spent more than nine dollars for a seven-piece screwdriver set - all to get the one tiny Phillips-head screwdriver which would work with my CD tray. Maybe I can use the others for pounding on the "computer repair" section of the phone book.

After a bit of wrestling, I was able to replace CD trays on my computer. I hooked up all the cords, plugged in the mainframe and - nothing. It wouldn't even come on! This is why I take all the "Charlie Brown" TV specials quite personally....

I'd followed all the instructions of the computer repair shop and the installation manual - and now my computer was dead. Part of me wanted to donate that thing to the Muscogee County Sheriff's Department for target practice.

But I calmed down and returned my computer to the repair shop Monday afternoon. HE plugged it in, and everything was fine. The expert explained sometimes "static energy" of some sort can build up in a computer, which takes 24 hours to clear away. This may explain why they don't shoot fireworks on every night of the Festival at South Commons anymore.

With a running computer again, I drove home to run the "Restore CD" and regain Internet access. But when I placed the CD inside, the computer AGAIN ignored it! You'd almost think I took the machine to Denny's for dinner or something....

"ATAPI Incompatible," the message now said concerning my new CD tray. Incompatible? I knew it - this whole exercise was symbolic of my dating experiences over the last five years.

The computer shop was unable to figure out what "ATAPI Incompatible" means Tuesday - but the expert plans another call to Cisco Systems today, to find an answer. In the meantime, home Internet access is still out - except somehow for America Online's "Instant Messenger" welcome page. If this is some kind of sales plot....

Now quick items to wrap up a Tuesday:

+ Murder suspect Tobias Lee was captured in Monroe, Louisiana, after a three-day search which centered in Columbus. Lee had been spotted at the Mockingbird Mobile Home Park Sunday -- and let's face it, no one wants to be famous for being spotted there.

+ What's this I'm hearing about attorney Richard Hagler dancing at a Bar Association event well after 9:00 p.m.? Doesn't he know - well, then again, maybe he doesn't have any children to waiting for him at home....

+ Instant Message to Troy Public Radio: Do you pay any attention to your "Band World" show? Tuesday night's program sounded so amateurish that the hosts made the "Car Talk" guys sound mature and professional.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

7 DEC 04: END OF THE LINE

I'm not sure when it happened, but I suddenly noticed it over the weekend - the Subway shop near the Columbus Civic Center has closed. Maybe if the company had brought "Sherman and Herman" to town, instead of sending Jared all the time...

The Subway shop at 419 Veterans Parkway opened about five years ago. It didn't have much parking, but offered a "walk-up" location for residents at the Booker T. Washington apartments across the road. But let's face it - this was one Subway which needed a monitor for Quick Cash games.

I suppose this downtown Subway shop shut down for lack of business - and that means victory for Chester's Barbecue down the street, at 6^th and Veterans Parkway. The food there may not be as healthful -- but at least B.T.W. residents will walk a little farther to buy it.

Chester's apparently beat Subway downtown with ridiculously low prices. A sign on the wall offers 99-cent sandwiches. And unlike Subway, customers probably don't have to face difficuly choices with big words like "oregano."

The closing of this Subway reminded me of a story on public radio's "All Things Considered" Saturday evening. It was about the lack of fresh, unprocessed foods in low-income areas of cities. Booker T. Washington apartment residents could walk a few blocks to the Farmer's Market - but there's that scary cemetery in the way.

The shutdown of Subway also is a reminder of how difficult it is to have successful businesses around the Civic Center. Kendall's restaurant at 4^th Street and 3^rd Avenue and now has only one function - promoting specials at a Spectrum store across the street.

(You could argue businesses have trouble succeeding anywhere around South Commons. How many times has Port Columbus asked for supplemental state funding?)

The Subway near the Civic Center was the closest "fast-food" restaurant to my house, a short walk away. I'd walk there after some Saturday night runs, or on rainy weekend evenings. The rainy nights especially were challenging - because the Sub Club stamps would stick to anything but your discount card.

The Subway on Veterans Parkway played a role in the only time I was two-timed by beggars in Columbus. Two beggars approached me at the same time in the "Money Back" parking lot down the street - the first one wanting chicken, the other wanting Subway food. Neither one would compromise, and accept anything from the convenience store.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We couldn't find our notes on that two-timing, due to an early deadline. But we'll keep searching, for an upcoming LaughLine flashback.)

Now other quick and hopefully not-too-dirty things from the last couple of days:

+ Civil rights leaders from Atlanta came to Columbus, and announced a petition drive to collect 10,000 signatures protesting the Kenneth Walker case. For their sake, we sincerely hope William Howell isn't put in charge of this project.

(Pastor Wayne Baker said at a news conference District Attorney Gray Conger "wimped out" of the Kenneth Walker case, by recusing himself. So Baker would rather have a conviction now, even if it's overturned for a conflict of interest later?!)

+ Clear Channel Radio began its annual drive to help the "98 neediest families" in local housing projects. I figured with that new rap station "The Beat," this would expand to the 101.3 neediest.

+ Instant Message to the Opelika Kroger store: OK, I give up. I'm stumped. Why do you have a box offering free Hershey's chocolate postcards on a shelf next to Denorex dandruff shampoo? If it was next to the Clearasil, I might understand....

COMING WEDNESDAY: I follow all the rules to fix my computer, and....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

5 DEC 04: FIRST AND TENN.

Instant Message to Georgia Public Broadcasting: Shame on you. Gerald Riggs Junior played for Tennessee in the Southeastern Conference championship Saturday night -- yet you made his dad broadcast the Georgia AAAAA high school finals in Gwinnett County?! I guess that's why you're not called the "Family Channel."

Auburn blew an early 21-0 lead, then held on to top Tennessee 38-28 and win the Southeastern Conference title. Won't Tiger fans be upset while they watch TV today -- especially if one of "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" turns out to be the operator of a computer ranking service?

(Why do I have this feeling the Bowl Championship Series will treat Auburn football the way the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools will treat the university on Tuesday?!)

Tennessee mounted a comeback after two Auburn punts went bad - with one kick shanked, and another lost to a fumbled snap. I could almost hear the Alabama fans yelling at their TV sets, "Punt, Auburn, Punt!"

A key play in the second half was a touchdown pass from Auburn's Jason Campbell to receiver Devin Aromashodu. This was the first time I've ever seen a football team benefit from "Aroma-therapy."

The quote of the night at the S.E.C. Finals had to come from Jeff Van Note, talking about Tennessee on the conference radio network: "Sometimes a receiver has to make a quarterback look better than he really is." Talk about cursing with faint praise....

Ogletree Village in Auburn set up a large TV screen outside, so Tiger fans could watch the game tailgate-style. With temperatures falling into the 40's, you had to wonder why the university didn't open Beard-Eaves Coliseum. Did Ed Richardson cut the budget for popcorn and soda?

Auburn hoped to trample Tennessee with a lopsided win, then gain enough votes in polls to make the Bowl Championship Series title game. Instead, Auburn only won by ten while Oklahoma clobbered Colorado in the Big 12 Final. "Boomer Sooner" - Bummer Tiger.

I couldn't help noticing while Auburn was moving to 12-0 on the year, Louisville was winning its last two games by a combined score of 125-14. How about an Auburn-Louisville bowl game - and the losing team has to keep trustee Bobby Lowder?

I'm sure Auburn supporters will develop all sorts of reasons why the Tigers should be in the Bowl Championship Series title game - but to be fair, there are logical explanations for Auburn to be left out:

+ Auburn didn't hurry to score more points in the final two minutes, to make the win look more impressive. Steve Spurrier certainly would have done that.

+ The SEC title game didn't end until after 10:00 p.m. ET -- and as attorney Richard Hagler would tell you, the Tigers should have been at home with their children long before then.

+ Citadel on the schedule instead of Southern California. Need we say more?

By the way, did you notice AFLAC's new logo was missing from the trivia questions at Saturday's college football games? This may be the first time Columbus is ahead of Atlanta on something since -- well, since Glenn Davis and C.C. Sabathia played minor-league baseball at Golden Park.

Meanwhile, congratulations to LaGrange High School - which beat Washington County 17-6 Saturday night, and won the Georgia AAA title for the second year in a row. And LaGrange was "LG" long before that phone company was....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

3 DEC 04: CHECKED OUT

Today marks the end of an era in Columbus, as the W.C. Bradley Library closes. It's one last opportunity for library patrons from Lumpkin to come north, and show off those brass knuckles.

The Bradley Library has served Columbus for decades -- but in one month, a new library building will open on Macon Road. Some cities have formed lines of people, to hand off books from an old library to a new one. But in Columbus, too many restaurants are in the way to risk getting grease on the pages.

The Bradley Library was one of the first places I visited in Columbus, when I moved here in 1997. I went to the newspaper section, and checked apartment listings in the Ledger-Enquirer - then discovered how different Columbus and Atlanta are. In Columbus on a weekday, they don't even fill one page.

The setting of the Bradley Library probably was unlike any other in the country -- with the sweeping driveway, where 13^th Street becomes Buena Vista Road. This library was so well hidden from main roads, it's no wonder few beggars camped outside it.

There was only one road into the Bradley Library, and only one way out. But that didn't stop a few drivers from trying to turn off Wynnton Road, and go in through the exit. Those are the people who probably check out books like "Heather Has Two Mommies...."

The Bradley Library had only two lines of parking - the shady and sunny side. The shady side faced a steep hill with lovely flowers during spring and summer. The sunny side came in handy on those January afternoons when the temperature barely
topped 40 degrees.

Most of the time, my trips to the Bradley Library took me to the reference area. I used the public access computers for projects and web surfing. I consulted reference books on religious questions. And the last couple of years, I marvelled at
the scantily-clad pictures of actresses in "TV y Novelas" magazine.

The Bradley Library had a unique mezzanine level. Walk up the stairs, and you could watch people in the reference area below. Take some binoculars, and you might have been able to spy on someone's small business plan as it's prepared on a computer.

But the second-floor layout of the Bradley Library wasn't always best for the books it stores. Windows shone sunlight into one stack, making the covers fade noticeably. But some of those books are about computers, so the information inside
them probably is out-of-date already.

Many of the shelves on the second floor of the Bradley Library were empty, when I took a last look around Thursday night. Either books already have been moved to the new building -- or people rushed to check them out, because they simply can't stand the syrupy holiday specials on TV over the next month.

So what will happen to the Bradley Library building now? It will be turned into office space for the Muscogee County School District. Who knows how many executive assistants Superintendent John Phillips will try to hire now....

So please don't panic, library lovers - come January 3, Columbus will have a new main library. Let's not have any rumors about W.C. Bradley outsourcing thousands of library books to China.

BLOG UPDATE: I've needed the Bradley Library every night this week, because my home computer still isn't working quite right. Remember the "Restore CD" I was going to run the other night? [1 Dec] My computer is ignoring it! It's treating that CD like all the females who jog by me on the Riverwalk....

When I restart my computer, the system blows right by the Restore CD and starts Windows 98 from the main C-drive. When they say it's a "HARD disk drive," they aren't kidding.

I called Computer Discounters Thursday afternoon for further guidance -- and the man there said I needed to buy and install a new CD tray. I guess I'm not the only one to face this problem. After all, Direct Optical Center had to keep its lasik surgery program going year-round.

I'd been thinking about a CD upgrade for awhile, anyway. So I bought a CD-RW. But I wondered why the store didn't have the opposite - a CD-Left Wing, for liberals.

All I had to do when I returned home was open my computer case and undo the old CD tray. So what happened? I couldn't open the case - because one of the three screws is on so tight, I can't undo it. Whoever wrote the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" must have written it on an old typewriter.

The pesky screw was coated with WD-40 a couple of times - yet as I write this, still it refuses to budge. Once again, I show what a limp-wristed wimpy blogger I am....

(I suppose I could call for assistance in loosening that screw - but does Ken Nugent "The Strong Arm" do house calls like this?)

For want of a screw, I can't install a new CD tray. For want of that tray, I can't restore my computer system. For want of that restoration, I still can't go on the Internet at home. Yet I still haven't learned my lesson - and exercises Thursday
evening by jogging, instead of lifting weights.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: For want of all these things, blog updates are unlikely this weekend.)

Now let's rest my weary hands, and consider other odds and ends from Thursday:

+ AFLAC unveiled new signs atop its tower - explaining the old sign had "come to the end of its life." What ARE the symptoms of a dying corporate sign? In some cases, I suppose it's a rush of cash from a buyout....

(The new AFLAC logo has the company duck in the middle, obscuring the letter L. If that duck starts talking to me from the top of the tower, I'm seeing a doctor immediately.)

+ The annual "Night of Lights" event occurred at the Phenix City Amphitheatre - ending with a fireworks show above the Chattahoochee River. Once again, Alabama reminds Georgia how much money it's losing by not allowing fireworks sales.

+ A FoxSports.com projection of college football bowl games predicted Troy will get its first invitation -- to face Northern Illinois in San Jose's "Silicon Valley Classic." When a pairing like this occurs in a place like this, you know there are too many bowls.

(The same projection has Alabama-Birmingham heading to the Hawaii Bowl - for a showdown with Akron! Akron's nickname is the Zips, and the attendance in Honolulu might match it....)

+ Instant Message to WXTX: About your News at Ten ad saying, "Get your news, weather, sports and go to bed" - did David Glisson's attorney come up with that?

(And what if everyone does what this ad says? What's the point of even showing "Seinfeld" at 10:35?)

COMING SOON: I stumble upon a crime in progress....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

2 DEC 04: CAUGHT ON TAPE

When The Tape was released Wednesday afternoon, my car was in the shop for an oil change. At 3:00 p.m. ET, a father and a little boy were in the customer waiting area watching TV - but I decided it was better for them to keep watching Drew Carey on TBS, than a killing on local television.

The Tape many had waited 51 weeks to see came out Wednesday - the one showing the killing of Kenneth Walker. It seemed only fitting for Columbus that one of the two views was in black and white....

Thanks to local television, I looked at The Tape several times from 5:00 p.m. on - and I'm still not sure exactly what happened 358 days ago. Someone blocks a good view of Kenneth Walker. David Glisson does something near the Interstate 185 wall. And somehow, the temperature recorded on The Tape suddenly jumps five degrees.

Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson actually screened The Tape twice - first for invited residents of Columbus, then for reporters. He says Kenneth Walker's family was invited to the private screening, but did not come. Well, why should
they? Their attorneys had seen it already - or at least talked like they did.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson told reporters former Deputy David Glisson used improper law enforcement techniques last December. For one thing, he said Glisson put a gun barrel in Kenneth Walker's back. Yet Walker was shot in the HEAD?! Either Glisson slipped -- or these weapons need to be coated with maple syrup, so officers get a grip.

The Sheriff revealed David Glisson told an internal investigation at first he meant to shoot Kenneth Walker, then changed his story and denied it. So maybe there were multiple slips - first his feet, then his tongue....

Sheriff Ralph Johnson believes David Glisson made a "cognitive, intentional" move to shoot Kenneth Walker by putting his finger in the trigger mechanism. After all, upset drivers do cognitive and intentional things with fingers all the time.

Captain Jay McReaa told reporters Sheriff's officers had information the drug dealers they were after last December 10 were dangerous. Maybe one benefit of this case will be that dealers stay away -- because some deputies are even more
dangerous.

At a mid-afternoon news conference, Sheriff's officers said the "cop-cam" tape lacked audio because microphone cables had become twisted and snapped during months of use. I can relate to this a bit - only in my case, it's the bad habit of biting
caps of ink pens.

Reginald Pugh of the Urban League was one of the people invited to the Sheriff's early screening. He said releasing The Tape will NOT start a healing process, but instead "fan the flames." Now this is confusing - because didn't the
Rainbow/PUSH Coalition once say this would help?!

(C'mon now - did anyone REALLY think the release of The Tape would settle the Kenneth Walker controversy? Football fans can't agree on penalty calls, when they see an instant replay ten times.)

Reginald Pugh argues David Glisson was "hotdogging it" on the night of the shooting, and was too aggressive. This should be a lesson to many people - that civil rights activists sometimes DO believe in a conservative approach.

Reginald Pugh now admits given what's been released, the Muscogee County Sheriff's Department did "all it could have" in handling the Kenneth Walker case. At the speed of an old mule on a muddy farm, perhaps, but it did....

Reginald Pugh of the Urban League now focuses the fault on Special Prosecutor Ken Hodges of Albany. "He needs to be fired," Pugh said - showing Pugh apparently missed the Georgia Primary in July, when Hodges was re-elected easily, with no
Republican opponent.

Reginald Pugh declared Special Prosecutor Ken Hodges seemed to bring to the grand jury "his own agenda.... his own form of justice." And wasn't it refreshing? Hodges's form of justice seemed to match that of many callers to talk radio
stations.

So what did David Glisson's attorney have to say about The Tape? Richard Hagler again stated Kenneth Walker had no business being out with friends at 9:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night. Based on this logic, everyone attending Wednesday
night's Columbus State basketball game must have been substance-abusing criminals.

Can you imagine Richard Hagler becoming Mayor of Columbus? All the RiverCenter shows would have to start before 6:00 p.m. to end inside his 8:30 curfew. Waffle Houses would be open only 14 hours a day. And during the summer, crews on Broadway would roll up the sidewalks before sunset.

I received conflicting reports Wednesday night about whether the Justice Department has finished its investigation of the Kenneth Walker case. Imagine what outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft might have done, if there was evidence
Walker was out dancing.

Even if the Washington investigation is over, civil rights groups want Georgia's Attorney General to appoint a new prosecutor in the Kenneth Walker case. I thought Cooper Creek Park's tennis courts were the only place which allowed
"playing two...."

Civil rights groups disagree with Special Prosecutor Ken Hodges about whether the grand jury could hear unsworn testimony last week. Look for grand jury rules online, and you won't find much information - which I guess truly shows how secretive the process is.

It's clear in the wake of The Tape that the Kenneth Walker controversy will continue for awhile. In fact, it may have expanded now - as civil rights groups may be planning marches from Columbus to Albany.

BIG PREDICTION: Oprah Winfrey will do a show on The Tape and the Kenneth Walker case within 60 days. And since her "Wildest Dreams" tour is underway, I won't be surprised if she gives every civil rights leader in Columbus a car.

Let's take a break from the tension now for some Instant Messages:

+ To Atlanta Woman magazine: There is no "Channel 11 in Columbus." Really. Come on down sometime and we'll show you -- and bring Kathleen and Kimberly Kennedy with you, in case they've forgotten.

+ To WDAK Radio: I didn't realize so many of your listeners have incomes of $50,000 or more. So how many of your announcers do that well?

+ To Schlotzsky's Deli near Cross-Country Plaza: My apologies for writing here months ago that you'd gone out of business. I'm simply not used to a deli outside downtown keeping bankers' hours, of 11:00 - 3:00.

(Then again, maybe those are BAKER'S hours....)

+ To Fred's right down the road from there: Your sign near the front door IS correct, wasn't it? You're selling an "ETHIC Singin Santa?" Hopefully he has a lot of songs - about hard work, honesty, fair play and more....

COMING FRIDAY: The big question on many readers' minds.... is my computer working properly again?....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

1 DEC 04: TAKE GOOD CARE OF MY BABY

So you may be asking where your blogger was Tuesday. Let's clear something up right now -- no, I was NOT behind some closed door with Ken Hodges, laughing at the Columbus Urban League....

I was unable to blog for you because my five-and-a-half-year-old computer needed repair. Or should I make its P.C. age 5.5?

Sunday morning I found I could not call up any web pages on my computer. I'd go online, try to visit any random site, and the computer would put up an error message. I was kicked out of Microsoft Internet Explorer so much, you'd think I
was competing against Bill Gates.

Even my five-year-old version of the Netscape browser wouldn't work online. And when I was offline, the mere highlighting of a web page in a document list set off the error message. Perhaps those weekend e-mails from Miriam Tidwell made ALL my files just as touchy.

A night with the computer turned off failed to solve the problem. So at midday Monday, I took it to my official repair shop. Computer Discounters on Veterans Parkway has helped me through a couple of power surges, a few dead power
units - and even added a mysterious "stick of RAM," which I've never heard rattling anywhere inside.

I noted for the owner of Computer Discounters when I turned on my computer, there was an error loading "C:WINDOWS\BXXSS.DLL." Presumably that was why I couldn't do much on the web - but a .DLL? I don't have a dill
pickle, much less a Dell computer.

Monday evening I checked with Computer Discounters on how things were going - but they hadn't been able to find the problem yet. Instead, the manager HAD found more than 1,000 "ad-ware" files. I had enough hidden "pop-ups" for two seasons of Columbus Catfish baseball games.

With the source of the problem still unknown, my computer had to stay in the shop overnight. This place does NOT offer computers on loan, the way some auto dealers' repair departments offer "loaner cars." I suppose that's because some
weirdo might return a computer filled with child porn, and get the owner arrested.

It felt a bit strange having no computer in the house Monday night. I probably spend more time in front of it than in front of the television - but at least I don't play 150 FreeCell games a month anymore.

A check with Computer Discounters Tuesday at midday found the manager still going "deeper" for the source of the problem. This should teach those of you who think this is a shallow-minded blogger....

Tuesday evening came the verdict - I needed to run the "Restore CD" on my computer, to purge out the last corrupt web pages. But there's one small problem: the laser on my CD tray is wearing down after 5.5 years. Maybe I need a video game
system, to zap it back to life.

I plan to run the Restore CD during the overnight hours, after finishing this entry Tuesday night. This is being posted at a secure "undisclosed location" - and if it's good enough for Vice President Cheney, it's good enough for me.

This will be the first time I've had to run the Restore CD for Windows in a couple of years. It's a slow process, taking a couple of hours and requiring me to reload several items of software. You can tell I'm a geek from up North - because I
know how to reload computers, but not shotguns.

Before we spin that CD, let's take care of some quick items from the last couple of days:

+ An unnamed coach at Russell County Middle School was disciplined, for twisting a student's arm. So much for attorney Ken Nugent becoming a partner in education -- not while he calls himself "The Strong Arm."

+ Alabama Governor Bob Riley visited Auburn, and said it was the wrong time for Auburn University faculty to vote on demanding the firing of two trustees. Why? Is Bobby Lowder THAT vital for Auburn to have an undefeated football
season?

(Governor Riley is concerned about the faculty voting so close to a big meeting on Auburn's accreditation. Well, at least they're speaking up before the fact - unlike some Columbus civil rights leaders I know.)

+ THE BIG BLOG QUESTION closed Tuesday afternoon, while I was at a library - and for quite awhile it was unanimous. In
the end, 86 percent of you say David Glisson should NOT have been indicted for killing Kenneth Walker (12-2). But of course, some attorneys will say it doesn't count because no one swore in the voters....

(One supporter of the grand jury decision wrote: "Bring on the civil suits and the purple suits...." Now hold on here! If Edward DuBose ever gets elected to public office, he could quality for the title, "purple mountain majesty.")

+ Instant Message to Won's Karate on Veterans Parkway: Do you always have children practicing kicks in the parking lot? Is this really an effective security measure?

COMING THURSDAY: Give me a day to get my computer back to full strength, and we'll have a detailed update on the Kenneth Walker case.... including Wednesday's big "tale of the tape"....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

29 NOV 04: SOME HELP YOU ARE

Sunday was a day of celebration for one Columbus family. A missing son was recovered, after walking away and disappearing on Thanksgiving. I know you're supposed to get out and exercise after the holiday dinner, but this is going too
far.

Billy Hardin is mentally disabled, and relatives say the 34-year-old has the mind of a four-year-old. He walked away from his Manchester Expressway-area home, and somehow wound up 25 miles away in the woods at Fort Benning. A sergeant found him there - and resisted the urge to sign him up for basic training.

Even with his return, Billy Hardin's family was a bit upset Sunday. For one thing, relatives claimed Columbus Police seemed uninterested in handling their "missing person" report -- which probably matches them with the half the employees at busy shopping centers over the weekend.

The family of Billy Hardin wanted an alert issued for several area counties - but relatives say Columbus Police never spread the word about his disappearance. But keep in mind, it WAS Thanksgiving weekend. I know from experience some law enforcement offices don't like to pick up the phone even on a typical weekend.

The family of Billy Hardin also is upset with the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer, because at one point in the search it indicated he was dead outside town. If it's any comfort to the Hardin family -- I've been skeptical about the paper's daily horoscopes for a long time....

I can relate in a personal way to what the Hardin family endured. My younger brother has been in an institution in Kansas for more than 35 years. We always called Donnie mentally retarded - this is, until people who didn't know about him started telling us we were insensitive with our language.

Donnie proved so difficult to handle at home that when I was eight years old, my parents decided to put him in the Kansas Neurological Institute in Topeka. He's lived far longer than anyone in our family expected. And he can hold a ball so tightly, he'd probably fumble less often than Warrick Dunn of the Falcons.

Donnie probably couldn't walk away 25 miles, as Billy Hardin did. He's done well in his life to walk at all. It's a mutual thrill when I can visit him, and push his wheelchair downhill outside his dorm. Of course, this is Kansas -- where a steep hill is hard to find....

Now for other things we spotted on a sunny Sunday:

+ The "Eternal Flame" outside the Government Center was aglow again, after we noted it was out on Saturday. Wouldn't it be strange if a firefighting crew lit up that memorial again?

+ Cascade Hills Church held its annual "Christmas Spectacular" at the Columbus Civic Center, featuring what the church called "former supermodel Kim Alexis." Excuse me - but when does a supermodel become "former?" Does she become simply a model again? Or is this some kind of negative statement about her appearance?

+ The Atlanta Falcons scored in the last two minutes to knock off New Orleans 24-21. Saints owner Thomas Benson said one week earlier his players played "like a high school team" - which means they showed up at the Georgia Dome about 24 hours too late to take on LaGrange.

(Fox play-by-play announcer Dick Stockton was off-form at times Sunday. He declared the Saints in front 13-0 by mistake, and said kicker John Carney "is used to kicking indoors...." Carney kicked most of his N.F.L. career in San Diego - where they only go inside for sports because the hockey ice might melt.)

+ Instant Message to the Publix store at Cross-Country Plaza: Did you mean to hang those holiday banners so low? Some Riverdragons basketball player is going to bump his head on them, and sue you.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We're having trouble going online with our home computer, so we may have to miss a day or two for repairs....)

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

28 NOV 04: FLAME-WORTHY?

Even before Saturday afternoon's downpour, it was out. I passed it about 1:30 p.m., and it was out. The "Eternal Flame" outside the Government Center wasn't lit. So which S.O.A. Watch prankster pulled this off -- and how?

I don't drive down Ninth Street every day, so I can't tell you how long the flame "in honor of our veterans" has been out. Bobby Peters might know, since his house is practically across the street. He apparently doesn't have a pocket lighter, to get it going again.

About a year ago, someone suggested I investigate how much it costs the city of Columbus to keep the Eternal Flame lit. After all, natural gas isn't cheap these days - but veterans probably would respond with that cliche, "the price of freedom
isn't free."

The person who made this suggestion also offered a warning - that some terrorist might try to blow up the Eternal Flame. He said that would damage not only the Government Center, "but also Bobby Peters's house." Surely there's a better way to persuade a Judge-Elect to move into your neighborhood....

But I confess I haven't made the phone calls to the Government Center or Atmos Energy - not to ask about the cost of lighting the flame, and not to ask about someone blowing it up. Either way, I'm concerned my monthly bills might increase.

Could what I saw Saturday be a sign of things to come? After all, City Manager Carmen Cavezza has talked of extensive budget cuts. But you'd think a former Fort Benning commanding general would wait until he leaves office to shut down a veterans' memorial....

I doubt any politician in Columbus would dare recommend the Eternal Flame be turned off. But then, I doubted anyone would dare propose a tax vote which might end the property tax freeze....

Meanwhile, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial on Buena Vista Road still sits unrepaired - months after a driver struck and damaged it. C'mon folks! Is everybody committed to building Habitat for Humanity houses for the next three months?

(But you know what? Maybe we should leave that memorial "as is" until late January. That could be the perfect community service project for S.O.A. Watch suspects.)

E-MAIL UPDATE: Uh-oh -- speaking of "flames," your blog received not one upset message Saturday, but two from the same place:

Bloger, why do so many people feel the need to make some crack, (probably showing when you bend over right now) about people crying, you, a few from the Columbus news paper, I think if you really did something besides write, you might see it is really exhausting , and women, me in this case , cry more when they are tired, so next year I bet you 100 dollars if you hang with me from the Monday before the event till the event around 3:30 when they started asking me questions I bet you will be crying as well, and I promise you I will count whining as crying because that is what men do when they are tired....

Also because you are so ill informed , I didn't have a restaurant I had a private party place and that was so I could control who came. I always had more than I needed or wanted, that is why I sold, Miriam tidwell

Ms. Tidwell, since you brought it up - I experimented with what you mentioned as I wrote this reply. No, "it" was NOT showing. Some of us do tuck our shirts inside our running shorts.

My concern over the years has NOT been about "cracks" in the area you're describing. For some reason, my pants tend to develop holes in the inside thigh area. If I stand up straight, people don't notice it - but then again, does that make the problem worse?

Then there's the pair of running shorts I wore for a twilight jog tonight (a run shortened by rain). Somehow, a small hole has developed in the middle of the backside of that pair. I'd rather people wonder about the safety pin in the back, than see through that hole and remove any doubt.

(Could it be that a hungry cockroach ATE that hole in my running shorts -- one which prefers a high-fiber diet?)

But I guess that's not why Miriam Tidwell wrote, was it? And come to think of it, I don't recall ever seeing a stand-up comic on her TV-16 talk show....

I had nothing against Miriam Tidwell crying during "God Bless Fort Benning." [21 Nov] If 15,000 people showed up for my big celebration, I'd probably break down and cry as well. For one thing, I wouldn't have anywhere near enough snacks
to feed them.

Hopefully Miriam Tidwell had some time to rest this past week, after all the activities involved with God Bless Fort Benning. Husband Jack shouldn't have required her to prepare the Thanksgiving turkey - especially since his cancer
treatment center has devices which can heat things in a hurry.

So men whine when they are tired, eh? Miriam Tidwell should have been where I was Thanksgiving afternoon. After dinner, so many WOMEN demanded other people prepare coffee that I openly asked if "Thanksgiving whine" was being served with the meal.

But hold on here - Miriam Tidwell "didn't have a restaurant"?! Then what is this "Miriam's Café and Gallery" I see in the BellSouth Yellow Pages, under Restaurants? Who was the "ill informed" person who bought that listing for several years? Ms. Tidwell may have controlled some things, but maybe not her advertising.

And that's not all: what about that grand opening I attended on 13^th Street 15 months ago? [15 Aug 03] Didn't I see something there about Miriam's opening up for breakfast? Maybe Ms. Tidwell sent customers across the street to Lewis-Jones for doughnuts.

Now let's compose ourselves (hanky optional), and send some Instant Messages:

+ To everyone parked at Peachtree Mall around 5:00 p.m. Saturday: I hope you don't mind - but I laughed at you as I drove by all your cars, on the way home from church. Lambs can be led to slaughter, you know.

+ To the organizers of Friday's after-Thanksgiving "Buy Nothing Day": I had to clean my clothes, so I went to a coin laundry. Does that count?

+ To WRCG radio: I like those new, rocking jingles. But as someone who scans the AM dial a lot, it's going to take awhile for me to sing your letters instead of "WBBM" in Chicago where I heard the jingles first.

+ To Cascade Hills Church: I've never seen anything like what I found on your web site -- a church "Marketing Director." Some of us Christians call these people evangelists.

+ To whomever parks a car at the Oakland Park Shopping Center with a "Money Come to Me!" bumper sticker on the back: Wellll - I suppose it would, if your sticker distracted me and I rear-ended you....

+ To the new "Easy Cheese Pawn Shop" along Veterans Parkway: That name is easily the cheesiest I've seen on any business in awhile.

(And about the bright orange paint job on your building - are you illustrating cheese with that? Or are you taking sides in Ukraine's political crisis?)

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.