In our seventh year of often-humorous views on life in Columbus, Georgia -- the government, the people, the flow of the river, whatever. Coverage, community, comedy.
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28 SEP 04: K-WHY?
With apologies to a TV station in Los Angeles for our title -- I head on vacation today. I timed this 11-day trip perfectly, to ignore at least two presidential debates.
The church denomination I attend has convention sites around the world. The Columbus congregation normally is assigned to Panama City Beach, Florida - but several months ago I applied to visit Lexington, Kentucky instead. After four Florida hurricanes in two months, I'm looking like a genius....
But it was not an inspired sense of meteorology sense that moved me to visit Kentucky. Lexington is a "designated singles site" for our denomination this year. For a guy like me, it's a bit like Alabama legalizing crossbow hunting a few weeks ago.
So admittedly, I'm going to Kentucky partially in hopes of meeting new single people - and whatever might (ahem) follow from that. That is, if the women ALLOW me to follow from that....
There's only one problem with my grand strategy. A friend of mine at church told me several weeks ago that many single women are avoiding Lexington, and heading for Panama City Beach instead. I hope they took toolboxes to help repair buildings.
There's one other challenge I face in taking a trip to Lexington. It's the home of the University of Kentucky, or U.K. My alma mater is Kansas, or K.U. For my own protection, I'm only taking one Kansas T-shirt with me....
(At least I'm going there at the end of September. Kentucky is a lot like Kansas in one way - when college football season starts, it means one thing for the fans. The college basketball season is only a couple of months away.)
My figuring shows it'll take about eight-and-a-half hours to drive from Columbus to Lexington. It's interstate highway all the way - and I'm renting a car, so I won't risk having to get out and push my humble Honda up the Smoky Mountains in
Tennessee.
Which reminds me: have you heard the new radio ads for Callaway Gardens? They praise the park's location "in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains." Is it really a good idea to connect the gardens with the Appalachians - and imply Harris County has all sorts of backwoods hicks?
So if you'll excuse me -- I'll post this, get some sleep, then finish packing and hit the road. I MIGHT be able to post blog entries from libraries in Kentucky. Presumably the public access computers are somewhere amid the stacks of books on
bourbon and racehorses....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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27 SEP 04: TAXI DRIVE
A trip to Peachtree Mall stunned me Sunday - as ads promoting an upcoming movie were all over the place. I don't think Victoria's Secret ever has been allowed to advertise its TV fashion show like this....
Ads for the movie "Taxi" hung from the ceiling of Peachtree Mall, near Rich's-Macy's. Not simply one poster, but several of the same poster. I knew right away it had to be a movie, because SafetyCab won't be in business again for a couple of months.
The movie promotion didn't stop at the ceiling. A giant billboard for "Taxi" was on a stage. Little signs were on the Peachtree Mall doors. Even the trays in the food court had "Taxi" placemats on them! Some political campaign is missing out on a golden opportunity here....
I didn't walk from end to end through Peachtree Mall, but I saw enough at the west end to get the message. There's a new movie coming out called "Taxi" - and Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah must be switching names for it, because Latifah's name is below Fallon's head on the ads.
Yet here's what struck me as strange about all this: dozens of ads promoting a movie are in a mall with NO movie theatre inside it! Yes, there's the "Peachtree 8" across the parking lot from Penney's.-- but still, that's a discount house! Instead of "Taxi, October," they'll do well to have it by January.
(There were so many ads inside the mall that I started to wonder if "Taxi" was filmed in Columbus without anybody knowing it. Does someone hijack a cab in Atlanta, and drive it to Dothan?)
The makers of "Taxi" must have left Peachtree Mall a big tip to promote this movie so much. So why isn't there some kind of promotion with Columbus cab companies? You'd think only one of them would be "yellow" about accepting an offer like that....
Is this how the new owners of Peachtree Mall plan to improve it - by putting up annoying ads all over the corridors? I suppose it beats raising the rent for tenants. But where would a Parisian or a Penney's go - back downtown? Some bars on
Broadway would have to close, to make room for them.
Now some other items from an eye-opening weekend:
+ Which area grocery store is selling boxes of Cheerios with Canadian labels on them? I know this is happening, because one was passed on to me. Are cereals becoming like prescription drugs -- cheaper to import from Canada?
(And another thing: do the managers stocking Cheerios from Canada realize the second language on the box is French, not Spanish?)
+ A high wind watch was issued for Columbus, as Tropical Storm Jeanne moves north. Today should be a great day for a long run outside - but turning around and jogging home into the wind will be another matter.
+ Atlanta's baseball team beat Florida 6-3. Atlanta's football team beat Arizona 6-3. About the only thing missing in Georgia sports was having the Davis Cup semifinals at the Stone Mountain Tennis Center....
+ David Rainer was named "Fox 54's Idol" at the Bradley Theater. He now heads for the San Francisco "American Idol" auditions. If Rainer winds up in a "worst singers" TV show this winter, all the local judges should be required to get a
hearing exam.
(David Rainer is only 17, and now he'll go to San Francisco. If he doesn't make the cut for "American Idol," he might still attract interest from guys looking for boyfriends....)
+ Instant Message to St. Luke United Methodist Church: Did you really mean to do that Sunday? I mean, singing the song "Morning Has Broken" during the service -- only days after the former Cat Stevens was barred from the U.S.?
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: If you want to avoid the Cat Stevens version of "Morning Has Broken," I sing it on my album.)
COMING TUESDAY: Where I'm going, and why I'm going there....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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26 SEP 04: EPPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN
Muscogee County Democrats opened a new headquarters on Macon Road Saturday. It's in the old Pier One Imports Building -- and we all know how well that worked for Judge Roxann Daniel during the summer.
Meanwhile, Russell County Democrats are trying to regroup from an important court ruling. A judge kicked Commission Chair Cattie Epps off the November ballot, even though she won the primary in June. Republicans now are racing the clock - searching for a way to get John Kerry disqualified, too.
Russell County Probate Judge Al Howard declared Cattie Epps ineligible for the November election because she filed campaign finance documents after the June 1 primary. This ruling gave an amazing new meaning to the religious song, "One Day Too Late."
Cattie Epps sued Probate Judge Al Howard, attempting to stay on the November ballot. For some reason, Epps never argued that the handling of election ballots has nothing to do with probate cases.
Al Howard admitted to the Ledger-Enquirer last month even if Cattie Epps was barred from the ballot, Russell County voters still could write in her name for Commissioner. We'll see if Epps tries to organize this sort of campaign. She'd help
her chances by changing her first name to "Cat" for a few weeks.
(I can hear Commissioner Epps borrowing an old Richard Gephardt line now - "It's your CAT-fight, too!")
Remember Al Howard's words several months ago, after Russell County Commissioners such as Cattie Epps voted to reinstate Administrator LeeAnn Horne-Jordan? The judge warned Horne-Jordan's backers risked a possible recall drive. It turns out there was a bigger risk - a man with both a gavel and a bad mood.
By the way, the chair of Russell County's Democratic Executive Committee is a familiar name - J.W. Brannen, who lost the mayor's race last month. If Cattie Epps winds up losing her Commission seat, Brannen might want to consider retiring to Lake Eufaula.
THE BIG BLOG QUESTION is back, based on the entry we posted Saturday night (just below this one). Now you can tell me whether I should hold beggars accountable for their claims - or whether my wallet pocket and heart have cast-iron buttons on them.
Now let's check other findings of the weekend:
+ The chief executive of St. Francis Medical Center resigned, telling the Ledger-Enquirer he had unspecified "management differences" with the board. You don't think someone actually suggested renaming the hospital "Hurricane Frances...."?!
+ Albany's City Manager told Police Chief Bobby Johnson to leave, only days after he announced plans to retire in January. Now I finally understand why Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier doesn't want to talk on camera....
(The interim police chief in Albany happens to be named Bob Boren. Is this some new "police and fire games" competition or something?)
+ WXTX "Fox 54" held open auditions for a local version of "American Idol." One judge from Foxie-105 FM described some of the candidates as "great shower singers." Or as Simon Cowell might call them - losers.
+ Atlanta's baseball team clinched its 13th division title in a row. Considering how much this team changed from last year, I think Bobby Cox finally should win the "Manager of the Year" award. If he doesn't, I think Cox should argue about it until he gets ejected -- since he's so good at that, too.
+ Auburn's football team breezed to a 33-3 victory over The Citadel. Coach Tommy Tuberville hopes to build on this next year, by finding a college called The Country-dell.
+ Columbus State's women's soccer team lost 2-0 to the renamed college "South Carolina-Upstate." Is this really a good name for a university? Won't jeering fans accuse all the players of taking "uppers?"
+ Instant Message to Buck Ice and Coal: Your "official" Confederate flag on Talbotton Road looks tattered and torn. Too bad all the street-corner vendors around town only sell the politically incorrect version.
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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25 SEP 04: NO CAN DO
She wore a white scarf over her head, and "ALABAMA" on her orange T-shirt. As I walked toward my car outside the downtown Taco Bell tonight, our conversation went something like this:
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Yes." The new season for beggars begins.
"Do you have two dollars? I'm out of gas. I've got a gas can around the corner...."
This is the Taco Bell-Spectrum combination store at 14th and Veterans Parkway. "There's a gas pump right here. I can use my credit card...."
"Can't you just give me two dollars?"
"Well, go get your gas can, and we'll go to the pump and fill it up."
"But it's not here."
"I know. You said it's around the corner."
"But I'm waiting on my sister-in-law's brother [or somebody like that] to pick me up."
"Well, when he shows up, maybe he'll have the two dollars."
"But he DOESN'T have the money, you see."
"Oh. Well, how long will it be before he shows up?"
"I don't know."
"Well, I can wait until he comes."
"I don't want you to do that. Just give me the two dollars."
"And I'm saying we can fill your gas can at the pump now."
"But I'd have to go get it."
"Yes. You said it's just around the corner."
"But I don't want to do it until he comes."
"Then I can wait until he shows up."
"Just forget it. I'd don't need it."
"But if you don't need it...."
"Have a blessed night, sir."
"....Then why did you ask me for two dollars?"
"Never mind, sir! I said: have a blessed night!"
I stared at the woman in frustration for about five seconds. Then I walked on to my car, saying nothing. For the second time in 36 hours, my attempts to please a woman were rejected coldly - and neither of them had anything to do with a date, much less sex.
(For reasons we cannot discuss here, we will NOT get into details of the first incident. Let's just say this: some people seem to prefer objecting to things that are wrong, then have you make them happy by adjusting things to be right.)
Regular blog readers know I seem to attract beggars like Wal-Mart attracts lawsuits. So why did this two-dollar request end in a two-minute stalemate? Let's analyze the conversation:
1. To my knowledge, I'd never met this woman before. If I simply give her two dollars and walk away, her "gas can" might turn out to be a thermos jug to hold beer from Spectrum.
2. I've heard the "secret gas can" line before. It happened eight years ago at an Exxon station on University Avenue in Atlanta. The man at that case wouldn't even tell me where his gas can was. You never know when you'll come across an undercover C.I.A. agent.
(That gas trip was bizarre, as it seemed half the customers were on a happy hour from the asylum. Another man backed off in far when I merely waved hello to him.)
3. Beggars tend to see only one solution to their problem - and if your solution isn't exactly the one they want, it cannot possibly be done. So it's a lot like national energy policy....
4. Most beggars don't want anyone waiting around with them to get their need met. It's as if they're afraid they'll forget their story, and you'll catch them.
5. The scene of this discussion was walking distance from the House of Mercy - and beggars tend to show up in this corner of town. Yet somehow they don't seem to gather outside Columbus Water Works, asking for help paying their bills.
6. Why did this woman seem afraid to get a gas can filled before her relative showed up? Did she somehow think the fuel goes stale after 15 minutes?
By the way, I went to Taco Bell to end the fast I mentioned Friday. I loaded up for it Friday evening at Cici's Pizza on Macon Road - where you get a pizza buffet and a drink for only $4.75! This place must make all its profits from the
children playing video games.
(You can tell who the target audience at this restaurant is right away - because the TV sets tend to show nothing but Nickelodeon and the Cartoon Network.)
A children's birthday party was in progress as I dined on pizza. The youngsters sang "Happy Birthday," and one even added a second verse. Who needs a karaoke night when you have singers like these?
COMING SUNDAY: The Russell wrangle....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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24 SEP 04: FAST AND SLOW
When the sun sets on this Friday, I plan to stop eating for awhile. Now don't get wrong ideas about this -- and start calling me "Mary-Kate."
Tonight is the start of the Biblical Day of Atonement, or what the Jews call "Yom Kippur." Believers go without food and drink for 24 hours. They'll also gather to worship -- as well as trade old jokes about offering to take each other out to lunch.
No, I'm not Jewish - but there are Christians who keep the Day of Atonement as well, and I'm one of them. It's our one "expected fast" of the year. The rest of the time, many people aren't fast to start fasting at all....
Please note the Day of Atonement starts at sunset, under the Jewish tradition. So if the rest of you can avoid going to restaurants until after 7:30 p.m., we believers would appreciate it. We'll be "carbo-loading" like marathon runners, from 6:00 on.
I've heard stories from friends over the year about how they have to prepare for a fast like this. Some coffee drinkers have to ease off the stuff for a couple of days in advance, or they develop headaches. And then people get so upset about alcohol addiction....
(Since I don't drink coffee, I can't really relate to what these people face. And in this era of Starbuck's and five-dollar cappucino, I also feel a bit wealthier.)
During a fasting time such as Yom Kippur, I don't develop headaches at all. The only big change is that I tend to get sleepy. Considering our church service doesn't start until 2:30 p.m. Saturday, I hope the Pastor doesn't mind if a few people snore during his sermon.
But here's the strange thing: I've found I can go jogging at the end of a fast, and travel a good distance. Someday I'll learn the hidden lesson of this - and stop nibbling on all those chocolate chip cookies between meals.
My most memorable Yom Kippur was one of the first I ever kept. It was the early 1980's in Oklahoma, and I hurried to down dinner at Taco Grande just before sunset. Yes, I had spicy Mexican food on a deadline - and 23 hours later at the end
of the fast, I felt nearly dead as a result.
(I'm not exaggerating about this. I was crawling on the apartment floor and throwing up in the final hour of that fast. Looking back, I guess I needed humbling much more than I realized.)
Did you hear about the major league baseball player who keeps Yom Kippur? Shawn Green of the Dodgers plans to miss at least one game this weekend for Atonement, even though Los Angeles is fighting for first place near the end of the season. Green's teammates may be hoping Barry Bonds converts to Islam, and makes a pilgrimage to Mecca.
How ironic that on the Day of Atonement, auditions will be held downtown to find a Columbus contender for "American Idol." Instead, believers will be at church or at home - being more like American IDLE.
So chew on these Thursday items for awhile, while I eat up and prepare my body for the weekend:
+ Georgia Insurance Commissioner John Oxendine announced he'll investigate whether other military bases pressured soldiers to buy expensive life insurance plans, like what happened at Fort Benning. So when do Benning's generals plan to add State Farm and Allstate to their off-limits list?
+ "What's New, Miriam?" on TV-16 spent a half-hour focusing on the Chattahoochee Riverkeeper. Miriam Tidwell showed she had a little knowledge about this topic - as she never asked any guest to reveal exactly where the river is kept. Jerry Laquire probably would have asked that.
+ Stuart Sappington won the Georgia Senior Amateur golf title at the Country Club of Columbus. Sappington broke a tie for the lead by hitting a hole-in-one from the 16th tee! Is he really from Alpharetta, Georgia - or the Republic of Georgia, and trying to make the next Ryder Cup team?
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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23 SEP 04: I'D RATHER NOT
Hello, I'm Dan Rather. Well, I might as well be. I've fouled up enough things in the last few days that someone's probably asking the Drudge Report to demand my resignation.
You may have noticed a couple of corrected items in this blog this week, and that's bad enough. But the biggest blow yet came Wednesday, when I discovered I'd spread incorrect information at my regular job. At least it wasn't that chain letter
spam about Microsoft awarding money for an e-mail test....
Here's what happened: someone called my office twice recently with important information to pass on. I took down the important information, passed it on - but it was really meant for people in another state! This is what happens when people
move around the country, but never change their cell phone area codes.
The caller with the important information was confused because several states in the South have the same county names. So many Sumters, so many Clays, so many Lees - which I think are preferred around here over Levi's....
I tried to make sure the caller's important information applied to our area, and she said it did. But I blew it, because I neglected to double-check other sources to make sure it's accurate. I suppose that's why many people listen to two or three conservative talk shows a day.
If I simply had gone online to check the caller's important information, I should have discovered it did not apply to our area. But I believed the caller was accurate. After all, isn't the customer always right -- unless you're the former Cat
Stevens, and you're trying to fly to the U.S.?
With the CBS News debacle about Alabama National Guard records fresh in my mind, I decided during the day Wednesday I'd offer to resign from my job. Since so many co-workers want Dan Rather to quit, I might as well join him at the unemployment office.
(During the lunch hour Wednesday, I was even talking like that woman in the Office Depot commercial shopping for supplies. Several times I said to myself, "I am SO suspended....")
To make sure false rumors didn't spread about what I was doing, I offered my resignation as publicly as I could - well, short of doing it on the business phone intercom....
I offered to resign at an afternoon meeting on the job - but a surprising thing happened. Everyone around me said it wasn't necessary! Why is it that so many people who talk a hard line actually display a soft heart?
One supervisor explained I was different from Dan Rather's case at CBS News because no one was harmed, and I had not tried to defame anyone. Imagine if the caller had given me a hot tip about Bobby Peters....
I'm grateful that the bosses decided NOT to accept my resignation. But I still feel like Dan Rather, because I ran with information without double-checking it first. Now I know how the Fort Benning generals felt when they banned that closed
restaurant.
This is why I haven't joined the online and conservative crowd, pointing fingers at Dan Rather over those National Guard documents. I've spread incorrect information at times myself, usually without meaning to do it. Take the times I've
answered October 31st greetings with "Happy Halloween," even though I can't stand it.
But before you point a finger at ME as well, listen to Bill Cosby's advice for a moment and "turn the mirror around." If you've ever spread incorrect information or rumors about anything, aren't YOU also a Dan Rather? And if you were fan of the old game show "To Tell the Truth"....
E-MAIL UPDATE: As if I wasn't feeling forlorn enough about all this, look at what the Wednesday e-mail brought me:
I NEVER stated or suggested that Chief Dozier has not been able to improve the police force. All I stated was that Chief Dozier was an excellent leader who had to deal with the obstacles of a manpower shortage and poor compensation which led to moral issues brought on by city leaders. I think it is important, if your goal with your website is to inform people, that you give them correct information.
Thanks,
Randy Robertson
President,
Fraternal Order of Police
Karl F. Eidam Lodge #9
Memo to self: don't drive over the speed limit for awhile - ANYWHERE in Columbus....
Thank you, Mr. Robertson, for clearing up any misunderstanding of what you said. This puts you ahead of Police Chief Willie Dozier - who still won't talk on tape at all.
(At least Randy Robertson didn't challenge one small part of what we wrote Tuesday. He IS a blog reader....)
Yet this clarification raises a question - wouldn't a fully-staffed, well-paid Columbus Police Department BE an improvement? At least the morale on the force would be better. And imagine how the unemployment rate would go down -- because officers would open up those second jobs for former mill workers with none.
Related to that: has Chief Willie Dozier been able to meet the concerns of law enforcement organizations such as the Fraternal Order of Police? You could blame Columbus Council for tying his hands. But look at what happened what Marshal Ken Suddeth asked for donations for new weapons
Oh yes, about the "goal of our website." That should be in the top-right corner of the blog when it comes on your screen. Sometimes what we write may inform you. Many times we try to amuse you. And hopefully we don't make you so upset that you break your keyboard in two across your knee.
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Daily blogging may diminish in the next few days, as we prepare for a fall vacation....)
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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22 SEP 04: SUNDAY OR SINDAY?
Phenix City officials admitted Tuesday crime has increased on Sundays, since alcohol sales on that day became legal last year. The timing of this announcement couldn't have been better - four weeks after city elections.
The Phenix City Council decided to change the rules for Sunday liquor sales a bit. It won't be allowed at nightclubs anymore. This means guys will have to romance their gals on Sundays the old-fashioned way - with one milkshake and two
straws.
One business which will be affected by this rule change is the "Red Barn Game Room" on the 280 Bypass. The management admits it's upset with the Phenix City Council barring Sunday alcohol sales there. But look on the bright side - the pinball scores are likely to go up.
WRBL talked Tuesday night about the change with the manager of Phenix City's "O and J Lounge." Or as it now will be called on Sundays, the "OJ Lounge" - as in orange juice.
(Maybe these nightclubs should organize a protest of some sort. Get together with the used car lot owners, and you'll change Phenix City for the better.)
Phenix City Council members still will allow restaurants to sell alcohol on Sundays, under the "50 percent rule." More than half the business's income will have to come from food. And you can guess what that probably means - smaller portions, bigger prices.
Phenix City motels also will be allowed to keep selling alcohol on Sundays. After all, it would be too difficult for maids to knock on doors at 2:00 a.m. to lock up the mini-fridges.
Related to this, Phenix City police announced Tuesday they've suspended the licenses for Ann's Sports Bar downtown. I'd forgotten there even was a sports bar near the river. This may explain some of the weirdos I've seen walk inside Piggly
Wiggly, in the same shopping center.
Phenix City Police Chief Preston Robinson says they've recorded more than 80 criminal complaints at Ann's Sports Bar in the last year. Perhaps high-definition TV's inside made the hockey fights and boxing cards too lifelike.
Perhaps it isn't fair to connect them, but Ann's was located right down Third Avenue from the Riverview Apartments. With this sports bar closing, I hope the disputes between neighbors don't move back into the parking lot.
So with all this news, what's a Phenix Citian to do for fun? Don't worry - officials also revealed Tuesday they're negotiating to bring an International House of Pancakes to town! If the city can convince IHOP to show first-run movies during breakfast, Mayor-Elect Jeff Hardin will claim victory.
(So some of you Phenix City residents don't become confused -- just because it's called "International" House of Pancakes, that does NOT mean they'll serve a Yankee version.)
The proposed IHOP would be built across the street from Phenix City's Wal-Mart SuperCenter. And with a Zaxby's restaurant only a short walk away, this could become East Alabama's version of the Mall of America.
This reminds me of a question which has bothered me for years. So often I hear people talk about products "selling like hotcakes." But how fast do hotcakes sell, really? In Columbus and Phenix City, it would seem waffles do much better....
Now let's see what other great opportunities presented themselves Tuesday:
+ Ground was broken for the new National Infantry Museum and Heritage Park on South Lumpkin Road. The complex will have 200 acres - which is just about the right size for a morning run during basic training.
(The complex will have more than the National Infantry Museum. I'm hearing it could have an IMAX theater. And planners will include space for a parade ground -- a perfect place for SOA Watch protesters to meet every November.)
+ Mayor Bob Poydasheff told WRBL he has someone in mind to replace Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier, and he plans to present that name to the Council within two weeks. Before rumors start, let's settle one thing right now - I am NOT the "R.B." the Mayor probably has in mind.
+ The National Rifle Association presented a 30-minute "infomercial" on WLTZ. It found so many things wrong with John Kerry that you wonder why an N.R.A. member didn't speak up to object at his last wedding.
+ Mike Gaymon's guest on WDAK radio's "Viewpoint" was the general manager of the Columbus Catfish. Now that's perfect timing - to bring on a baseball team executive three weeks after the season ends, and six months before the next one.
+ Atlanta's baseball team announced plans for its own 24-hour cable channel called "Braves Vision." It promises to show classic games from years gone up - which will be a great opportunity to chart Don Sutton's receding hairline.
CORRECTED: + Chattahoochee Valley Community College scheduled an evening of "Georgia Championship Wrestling" for Thursday. But sadly, the card may not include the bout many Russell County residents really want to see - Cattie Epps and LeeAnn Horne-Jordan vs. Tillman Pugh and Al Howard.
+ Health officials revealed a Columbus man is recovering, after testing positive for the West Nile virus. This doesn't seem fair. For one thing, Columbus is on the EAST side of the river....
+ Instant Message to Dr. Robin Pennock: Congratulations on being appointed Deputy Superintendent of Muscogee County Schools. Does this mean you'll get that $300,000 home in Russell County?
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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21 SEP 04: CODE OF SILENCE
Is he shy? Is he embarrassed about something? Why won't Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier talk to TV stations on camera about his upcoming retirement? If his school district employee wife wants to write a statement for him to read, we won't object....
Chief Willie Dozier puzzled some local journalists Monday, by refusing to talk on tape about his retirement plans. Maybe he's following the example of that other law officer who's been in the news this year -- but why copy David Glisson?
Willie Dozier makes it sound like his departure October 31 is no big deal. But c'mon now - he's been in charge of one of Georgia's largest police forces for almost five years. And it's really not his fault if most of those officers moved to metro Atlanta for more money....
Blog reader Randy Robertson of the Fraternal Order of Police suggested Monday Willie Dozier's leaving because he hasn't been able to improve the police force. Columbus Council turned down one request for 25 new officers -- perhaps hoping 25 new neighborhoods would hold drug marches instead.
. It's interesting to compare the approach of some of the "top cops" in this area. Lee County Sheriff Jay Jones has been willing to talk with reporters for years, and handles it very well. Yet leading law officers in Columbus seem unwilling to go "on the record" unless their Miranda rights are read first.
Think about it - Police Chief Willie Dozier won't talk on TV about his retirement. Sheriff Ralph Johnson didn't want to comment much about the Kenneth Walker case. So it's no wonder when Marshal Ken Suddeth announced the acquisition of
new weapons, some Columbus Councilors demanded an investigation.
The retirement announcement by Chief Willie Dozier raises questions about his successor. Does Mayor Bob Poydasheff promote from within the force? Does he conduct a national search for a chief, which has caused controversy in Montgomery? Or does the Mayor simply post something at ChattahoocheeHelpWanted.com?
If Mayor Poydasheff chooses a chief from within the Columbus Police Department, the top contender could be Assistant Chief Rick Boren. That choice has one hidden advantage - the fact that wife Nancy Boren works at the Election Board, and the Mayor's term is up in two years.
One issue which could bubble up in the search for a police chief is the race issue. Willie Dozier is the first African-American chief in Columbus history. Will civil rights groups call "even up," and demand that job stay African-American for the next 165 years?
BLOG UPDATE: Monday was a day to bask in the glow of Kansas's big double-overtime soccer win over Auburn. But two things tempered my enthusiasm. It was a very busy work day - and besides, practically no one around me cared.
In our last posting I mentioned the sign at the entrance to Auburn's soccer complex - where no food, drinks, pets or weapons were allowed. Yet a few people brought in large cups of soda, and one person carried in a chihuahua! So much for today's college students being more conservative and traditional....
One of the few Kansas fans with me in the crowd at Sunday's women's soccer game planned the trip to Auburn long ago. He lives near Fort Walton Beach, Florida - so he was grateful his home escaped serious damage from Hurricane Ivan. By comparison, Pensacola may gather enough wood to set a world record for the biggest marshmallow roast.
After Kansas beat Auburn in the second overtime, a Tiger fan along the rail next to the field twice said the Jayhawks "got lucky today." Lucky?! Those psychologists are right - grieving people go through a denial stage first.
Now let's face some other facts, which we learned Monday:
+ Gas stations around downtown Columbus hiked their prices about ten cents a gallon. Did THAT many people from Florida evacuate here, because of the hurricane?
+ On the other hand, area Dairy Queen restaurants are offering FREE ice cream cones today! All you have to do is make a donation to the Children's Miracle Network. If this seems unfair, remember something - hardly anyone leaves a tip at Dairy Queen the rest of the year.
+ Instant Message to Alabama quarterback Brodie Croyle: The timing of your injury was really clever - but I regret to tell you Miss America 2005 Diedre Downs wants to be a CHILDREN'S doctor.
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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20 SEP 04: JUST FOR KICKS
Before we get to our main topic - our best wishes to Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier. The city's first African-American police chief revealed in Sunday's Ledger-Enquirer he plans to retire soon. That way, he'll finally be free to admit if he thinks the Sheriff's Department is full of racially-profiling rednecks.
It's easier than you might think for a white guy to feel like a minority group. I certainly felt that way Sunday - when I went to Auburn University, and rooted for the visiting team.
I didn't realize until last Friday that my old alma mater Kansas was bringing a women's soccer team to Auburn. In fact, I'm not sure I realized Kansas even HAD a women's soccer team. When I attended Kansas, we did well to have intermural
soccer teams....
The first time I knew Kansas was playing soccer at Auburn came when I checked the Auburn web site, to see if the football game was still on for Saturday. After all, Auburn cancelled Friday's soccer match with Nevada-Las Vegas - and we all know how popular "Rebels" are in the South.
"You ought to go," a co-worker said to me when I mentioned Kansas was coming to Auburn. I told him there are plenty of things I "ought" to do. For one thing, he hasn't seen the stacks of magazines I haven't had time to read lately.
"It's free," the co-worker told me about the women's soccer matches. "They're that desperate for a crowd." Now this I couldn't believe. An Auburn sports event that's FREE? Why, it cost 20 dollars simply to park close to the football stadium on Saturday.
My old loyalties took over at that point - and I decided I had to make the trip Sunday to Auburn. That's loyalties, plural. Kansas Jayhawk sports - and the fact that I haven't shopped for groceries at Kroger in three months.
I encountered a surprising traffic jam on the way to the soccer pitch. Downtown Auburn was jammed with cars Sunday, during the noon hour Central Time. The only place in Columbus with traffic that slow at that time on a Sunday is Fourth
Street Baptist Church, with cars double-parked for more than a block.
Apparently the Auburn students were out for a Sunday drive because they were still savoring the Saturday win over L.S.U. The "rolls" still were on the trees at Toomer's Corner - and for all I knew, young fans may have been cruising ever since the final whistle, 18 hours before.
Thankfully the crowd of cars cleared once I passed Toomer's Corner. I was growing concerned the long line of cars was heading for the soccer field - and I was being set up for an ambush.
The Auburn soccer field is located not far from Jordan-Hare Stadium, but the two places are very different. For one thing, the soccer field has an old farm building overlooking it -- and the building doesn't have a single ad painted on it.
Sure enough, admission to the Kansas-Auburn soccer match was free. All you have to do is cross a bridge over a creek to reach the pitch. But a sign at the entrance warns no food, drinks, pets or weapons are allowed. That explains why no soccer fans from England were there.
By the way, Parkerson Mill Creek next to the soccer field was at a normal low level - so I guess Auburn University safely can have class again today....
(The only unusual thing I noticed in the creek was a big blue piece of wood. Did someone lose a ping-pong table when Hurricane Ivan came through?)
I looked around the crowd at the Auburn University soccer field, and quickly discovered I was a loner. No one else had on a Kansas cap or sweatshirt like I did. And the field only has bleachers on one side of it - so I couldn't even go to the other side, and get autographs of all the players.
Undaunted by my situation, I took a seat and started cheering for Kansas anyway. I quickly discovered I was making more noise than 90 percent of the fans in the bleachers. Perhaps that's because I didn't have a hangover from Saturday night's
post-game parties.
There aren't any cheerleaders on the "touch lines" at Auburn women's soccer games, rooting on the Tigers. Aubie the mascot didn't show up, either. Maybe he was committed to appear at a Sunday church service, to help illustrate the story of
Noah's ark.
So during the first half of the Kansas-Auburn game, I did a few short "rock chalk" chants as the Jayhawks tried to move forward. They had the better chances at scoring - but one led to a yellow card, when an attacker collided with Auburn goalie Megan Rivera. For you female readers: the cards women's soccer players get are a canary shade of yellow.
Halftime came and neither side had scored. So I walked back to my car for a swig of soda during the break. Since the game had no tickets, no "pass out" rules were in effect - and you might as well go have some tailgate food every time a
player is injured.
Not until halftime did I meet someone else who's a Kansas graduate. He didn't have on any Jayhawk gear - instead wearing a Pebble Beach golf course sportshirt. Well, that WOULD make him less of a target after the game ended....
"One of my buddies just donated two-and-a-half million" to Kansas, the man told me. "Another buddy is about to give a million for the second time."
This talk of high-rolling donors was far out of my league. "I'm still working on my first HALF-million."
As second-half play unfolded, I figured out what made this Auburn crowd different. Some students were there - but so were parents with young children, especially little girls. For a young family, any kind of free entertainment truly is a blessing.
I saw something in the second half I'd never seen at a soccer game before. A Kansas player threw the soccer ball in from the sideline by somersaulting - really a forward handstand, before the making the throw. This is what happens when a college has no women's gymnastics program.
(Either that, or this young woman must have enrolled at Kansas after appearing in the cast of "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers....")
Auburn began to have the better of the play as the second half wore on - but after 90 minutes, the game remained scoreless. In baseball, this is called an exciting "pitcher's duel." For too many baseball fans, this score in soccer is called a reason not to watch.
A tie game in college soccer means two ten-minute "sudden death" overtime periods. In the first overtime, a woman finally spoke up in the bleachers above me: "Please, somebody score." I didn't bother to ask if the woman forgot to bring
sunscreen to the game.
CORRECTED: I'm thrilled to report there was a happy ending in the second overtime. Kansas scored at 102:34 for a 1-0 win over Auburn! That may help the Jayhawks keep a top ten ranking.-- something I don't think the K.U. football team has had in about 20 years.
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We have more to say about the Auburn soccer match, but we're out of time for today. Watch for that Tuesday.)
Now other quick kicks from Sunday:
+ President Bush toured the damage from Hurricane Ivan, spending some time in Orange Beach, Alabama. His aides obviously briefed him well about this trip - because the President never mentioned the city's ruined orange crop once.
+ A friend of mine at church revealed something strange about the recent storms. He says Hurricane Frances put half of Waverly Hall in the dark for awhile. Then Hurricane Ivan put the OTHER half of Waverly Hall in the dark for awhile. Now
the town is even - and hoping Jeanne isn't the tiebreaker.
+ The Atlanta Falcons remained unbeaten by stopping St. Louis. In a post-game radio interview, Coach Jim Mora Jr. declared Jay Feeley "is not a kicker. Jay Feeley is a football player." Maybe that's what's wrong with college football this
fall. Too many football players are kicking extra points.
+ Instant Message to Timberline Homes of Opelika: That is SO cruel of you - that sign you have outside promoting an "after-hurricane sale."
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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19 SEP 04: OPENING UP
Saturday was a day which found many closed things re-opening in Columbus. For instance, gates were opened on Chattahoochee River dams to handle floodwaters from the Atlanta area. We're waiting for word about how many kayaks passed through.
The higher river level left the Phenix City Amphitheater flooded - hopefully cleaning away all the sinful stuff which happened there over the summer, like music concerts....
The Columbus side of the Riverwalk did NOT appear flooded, so I went for a Saturday morning walk there. The stairs to Golden Park were open -- but red tape blocked the bottom of the stairs at the Civic Center. Only later did I realize why this was probably done. Animals from the Shrine Circus may have been lying in wait to eat me.
The obedient side of me refused to climb over the red tape, even to walk up the flights of stairs. To set a good example, I'd turn around and walk back to where I entered. Besides, an even tan on each arm looks much better....
Only one thing delayed my turning around at the Civic Center. A woman was walking my direction with her beagle - a beagle rambling around without a leash, which suddenly decided to make me the center of its attention. It walked up to me and started sniffing my legs. I stood there wondering if I looked like a fire hydrant or something.
I tried to dismiss the dog by holding up my hands and showing a grit-my-teeth grin. The beagle backed off, and began running around me in semicircles - all the time staring at me. It's great practice if I ever have to deal with Hollywood
paparazzi.
"He wants to play," said the woman who by this point had walked by the stairway. The beagle kept circling me - totally ignoring the Civic Center red tape. It turns out we had not one rule-breaker here, but two.
The woman kept walking east, but the dog wouldn't let me go. It kept circling me, barking on occasion. I kept my position at the bottom of the stairs, turning around only to keep the beagle in my sight. If it lifted its leg, I was ready to do
the same - only to kick away.
"Are you afraid of it?" the woman finally asked. I refused to answer the question, instead offering what seemed to me the more obvious one.
"Are you aware of the new animal control rules in Columbus?"
"Yes."
"The dog is supposed to be on a leash."
"It's OK. I have my leash here." It was in her hand, it was purple - and it had nothing attached to it at all. She might as well have been carrying keys to a car she traded in five years ago.
"Perhaps I'm misunderstanding the rule," I told the woman, "but I think the dog is supposed to be ON the leash." It's sort of like explaining to the "Click It Or Ticket" cop that your seat belt IS buckled - and you're sitting on top of it.
"I'll put the dog on the leash," the woman said. Then she turned around on the Riverwalk, tracked the beagle down and put the leash on it. At last, they had made a connection - and I was no longer a candidate for brunch.
Long-time blog readers will recall I've had other encounters with dog-walkers on the Riverwalk, who let dogs run all over the place and think merely holding a leash is enough. Do these adults let their children get away with this at busy
supermarkets, too?
Since I didn't answer the woman's "fear" question, I suppose I should settle it here. If a dog is running loose around me, I do get a bit concerned. Enough stories have made the news of dogs attacking people, and even killing them. At least during a hurricane, I have time to hide in a shelter if I wish.
E-MAIL UPDATE: Our comments on the LOST (Local Option Sales Tax) last Sunday brought a surprising reply, from Fraternal Order of Police President Randy Robertson:
To find out about the F.O.P. and their support of this tax please go to FOP9.net.
Thank You
Thanks to YOU, sir, for alerting us to a web site which apparently only came online September 1. Don't be confused by that name, though. The Fraternal Order of Police is NOT taking over a TV station.
You have to click on the "President's Page" to find details of the mid-August Fraternal Order of Police vote to back the LOST. Randy Robertson writes Mayor Bob Poydasheff has promised to "solve all of the F.O.P. concerns." Maybe the Mayor will ask Oprah Winfrey to provide a free set of new squad cars.
Randy Robertson explains the Columbus Chamber of Commerce acted as a liaison with Columbus Council, to get an assurance LOST money would provide for "financial needs of law enforcement officers." Aren't there professional negotiators on the SWAT team to handle this sort of thing?
In addition, the F.O.P. web site reveals the Chamber of Commerce plans to do a study of the wages and benefits for all Columbus government employees. Maybe now we'll find out why the operator of the Government Access Channel makes more money than a police captain.
Randy Robertson promises the Fraternal Order of Police will continue its campaign for improved public safety benefits. For one thing, the F.O.P. wants "an end to Compression." Exactly how victims of muggings would have their bruises treated remains unclear.
Let's see what else we need to catch up on this weekend:
+ Alabama's Diedre Downs won the Miss America pageant. It HAD to be those eyes - which seemed to keep staring into the distance, like she was looking for the perfect man to date. Too bad I was stuck at home, watching television....
The Miss America final showdown came down to Miss Alabama versus Miss Louisiana. Given how the L.S.U.-Auburn game turned out earlier in the day, I figured the judges would give Miss Louisiana a couple of extra points.
(Miss Georgia made the list of ten semifinalists at Miss America, making this the best showing for our region in years. Maybe we need more hurricanes to move through, to get sympathy votes.)
+ Alabama Governor Bob Riley gave a pep talk in the wake of Hurricane Ivan - declaring, "Nothing can defeat an Alabamian!" Obviously he hasn't been watching Crimson Tide football games the last couple of seasons....
+ Columbus shut out Jordan in high school football 19-0, and the WOKS announcers counted only 27 Jordan players in uniform. Either a lot of Red Jacket players are injured, or the band suddenly is a lot more cool.
+ Kendrick spanked Spencer 33-14 at McClung Memorial Stadium. I walked by this game at quarter-time, and was stunned by how empty the stands were. After all, the students had two extra days to work on their homework....
(I look at empty stadiums like that for local games, and can't help wondering if the presumed interest in high school football around here is overstated. Golden Park seemed to have more fans on Thirty Thursdays.)
+ Fencing already is up around the west end of South Commons. Either preparations for the Festival are under way very early - or the Shrine Circus is concerned an elephant might escape.
+ Instant Message to the woman who called to express concern about Columbus flooding during a hurricane: We're 396 feet above sea level - so the storm surge would have a VERY long way to go.
COMING MONDAY: Look out, Auburn, my Kansas Jayhawks are coming....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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for 17 SEP 04: RIDERS OF THE STORM
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We realize Hurricane Ivan has caused a lot of disruption for a lot of people. Our sympathies to those of you with repairs to make or power still out - and we suggest you bookmark this post for that time when "we'll all look back on this and laugh.")
You know there's a hurricane threatening the Columbus area when you walk into a restaurant for dinner - and EVERY TV screen in the place is showing the Weather Channel. Either something serious is coming, or everyone is bored by September baseball.
The Columbus area felt some of the force of Hurricane Ivan Wednesday night and Thursday. The rain sometimes fell so hard that it seemed the entire city was moving through the Fourth Avenue Car Wash.
Hurricane Ivan was so powerful that more than half of Alabama Power's customers statewide lost electricity. That's 700,000 homes and businesses - a lot of people to demand the company reach a contract agreement with electrical workers
quickly.
Alabama Power warned in advance some customers might lose power for two weeks because of Hurricane Ivan. Thankfully, this is a state where an electric can opener still is considered a luxury item.
Alabama sports officials prepared for Hurricane Ivan by cancelling all high school football games statewide this weekend. Many families will need that time for more important things - like driving their RV's to Auburn or Tuscaloosa right before
Saturday's kickoffs.
Beard-Eaves Memorial Coliseum in Auburn was turned into an evacuation shelter. The Red Cross was prepared to use dorm rooms, in case the arena reached capacity - but as we all know, that only happens when Kentucky's basketball team comes to town.
The Canterbury Nursing Home in Phenix City lost power for several hours - which allowed residents to talk about the "good old days" when hardly anyone had electricity at all.
So how was my day Thursday, as Ivan caused a fuss all around? Don't worry, I kept track for you....
8:20 a.m.: I head out the door to go to breakfast, amid light rain and gusty wind. The church I attend still is planning a special "Feast of Trumpets" service for mid-afternoon, so I'm treating it like a regular worship day. Besides, listening to FM religious radio means you never hear a school cancellation.
(That reminds me: Muscogee County schools are CLOSED Friday and Saturday! Hopefully this announcement will reduce the dozens of calls to radio stations -- maybe by two or three.)
A few small scattered limbs are in the streets of the Historic District - and one trash can is tipped over along First Avenue. Those jail inmates on garbage duty can be SO sloppy and careless....
I'd picked the spot for this special breakfast a long time ago. I've heard a lot about Booth's Corner Café in Phenix City - but hardly any cars are parked outside when I arrive. When school is cancelled in Phenix City, it seems like the entire town sleeps in until 9:00 a.m.
There's only one couple eating in the restaurant, and Fox News Channel is showing reporters live along the Gulf Coast on the TV. Jonathan Serrie looks like he's on a video-phone - yet he says lights are still on in downtown Mobile. Truly that's a Democratic city. They won't let Fox News use electric plugs.
(By the way: if Fox News Channel is so pro-Republican, why did they have reporters along the Gulf Coast at all? You'd think conservative reporters would be as far inland as Montgomery.)
French toast is served by the one-armed chef/manager - and then the power flickers for a moment, but stays on. "Thank you, Jesus," says a woman in the corner booth. Perhaps she only had a credit card for paying the bill.
As I eat breakfast at the counter, who should walk in Booth's Corner Café but Thomas Weise - the best-known Catholic priest in the area. But the power keeps flickering occasionally off and on, so I'm not sure if he crossed himself before walking inside.
"You'd think being next door to the power company, they could keep your power on," Pastor Weise says to the manager.
"Yeah," the manager answers. "I also thought I could get a discount on my bill."
The Booth's Corner Café manager says he called Lowe's Monday about an electric generator, but "they just laughed at me." I wonder how many businesses became so desperate, they thought about hooking up mice and treadmills.
Thomas Weise recalls 25 years ago this week, when Hurricane Frederic ripped through south Alabama. He served with a Catholic charity, which helped evacuees at the Mobile Civic Center. So mark your calendar now - when September 2029 comes, take your vacation somewhere else.
I count 11 times the power flickers off and on during breakfast - yet only later do I realize Pastor Thomas Weise never once said thanks to Jesus when the power stayed on, while the earlier woman did. So who IS the more religious person of
the two?
10:45 a.m.: As I rest at home, the first storm warning I've heard today comes from the National Weather Service computer system. The voice on the radio these days sounds very human-like - but someone should tell it the Lee County seat is not called "Oh-PELL-ika."
A tornado warning is issued after a possible tornado is spotted on radar in the "Holy Trinity" area of Russell County. Huh? You mean there's still something religious in Alabama the atheists haven't removed?
11:05 a.m.: The tornado warning siren sounds at South Commons. I move under my computer room desk for cover - only to find I don't completely fit. So much for feeling so good about losing ten pounds.
11:50 a.m.: After a second tornado warning ends, the phone rings. The Local Elder from church tells me the special service is cancelled. And here I was all set to point fingers at everyone else, for lacking faith and wimping out.
The decision to call off the service goes against what I was praying in the hours before. Doesn't the Bible have examples where God protected His people, when they stepped out in faith and didn't show fear? And this was well before someone
invented mobile homes....
Since my power is still on, I decide to go online. The denomination I attend has several congregations which offer "cybercast" services - but the one I visit in Indiana won't let me in due to some kind of "missing component." I'm paying Real Networks $9.95 a month, and they left something out?!
So here's a special Holy Day for the church I attend, and I have no place to worship. I decide to listen to various radio preachers during the day - and they could get the offering money my congregation didn't want.
12:50 p.m.: During one of these radio programs, I decide I should eat out for lunch - just as I would have gone out to dinner after the scheduled afternoon service. If I wait until 5:00, all the nice restaurants might be closed. And on a special day like today, a bag of Cheese Krystals doesn't seem quite fitting.
1:00 p.m.: "You're gonna get wet!" says one of my neighbors safely on a porch as I head out the dinner for lunch. I have on a jacket with a hood. He offers me an umbrella - but I point out the wind will only blow it the other direction and tear it apart.
(I'm foolish, you say? Well, I was still being faithful even if my church congregation was not. To borrow a phrase, I won't let any hurricane steal my joy. Panhandlers maybe, but not hurricanes....)
Broadway has plenty of restaurants, I reason, so I'll pick a place there for lunch. I drive past Minnie's at Eighth and First -- which appears to be open, but probably has its smallest lunchtime crowd in months. When you can actually drive down First Avenue at lunch hour without worrying about hitting cars, that's small.
But there's a problem with my choice of a restaurant area. Almost all the stores along Broadway from 10th to 12th Street seem to be closed, with fire hoses on the street. I don't notice any damage - so perhaps this is the city's way to make sure The Loft doesn't become a giant swimming pool.
While many restaurants are closed, an old reliable remains open - the "bus station" Country's near 14th and Broadway. But the city's "streetscape" project makes me go practically around a block to park. Officials should be thankful hardly any TSYS employees live downtown.
After parking my car, I race for Country's in strong rain and wind - but when I reach shelter, I'm disappointed. It's the drive-through lane, and the two women standing outside are NOT guarding a door. Some smokers can't kick a habit, even in the worst of weather.
Through a muddy patch I walk to the FRONT door of Country's - and several people are eating there, but the restaurant isn't full. It turns out Country's plans to close at 3:00 p.m., because TSYS shut down for the day. So can we all pay our next credit card bills a couple of days late?
For some reason, the financial channel CNN-FN is on the big TV at Country's. But at a diner's request, it's changed to the Weather Channel. At the risk of losing some fans, I have to say it - drop-dead gorgeous meteorologist Alexandra Steele can show me a "warm front" anytime.
(In all the restaurants I've visited since Wednesday evening, I must note none of them had a Columbus station on. When bad weather comes, "First Alert" winds up in second place.)
One of the commercial breaks on the Weather Channel promoted United Methodist Churches, with their slogan: "Open hearts, open doors, open minds." Well, not quite - St. Luke's closed its school program for the storm.
The barbecue at Country's is as good as always - and as I leave, I tell the cashier it's definitely a "memorable day." She reluctantly agrees. Perhaps she only brought an umbrella, and didn't think about those high winds.
2:30 p.m.: At service time for our congregation, the rain almost has stopped and the wind isn't blowing too hard. I resist the urge to call the Local Elder and say, "I told you so." We're supposed to be "under authority" in this congregation.
3:15 p.m.: I post a few items to a church-related web site I have, and check for other online services. A San Diego congregation offers one at 5:30. Los Angeles has one at 6:00. I never guessed going to church would become like going to the multiplex.
4:05 p.m.: While waiting for one of these services to start, Pastor Terry Jefferson's broadcast begins on WHAL-AM. He says the only names given for churches in the Bible have cities in them, from the book of Revelation. Then why is HIS church called "Word of Revelation Ministries" - with no Columbus in the name at all?
Pastor Terry Jefferson goes on to say whether believers drink or smoke is "up to you" - then later calls it a shame that so many preachers today drink and smoke. His message was against church division, yet sometimes he sounds like his own
mind is in two parts.
4:30 p.m.: I call up an online service from Minnesota - but I show up in the middle of it. It turns out the 3:30 starting time on the computer screen was adjusted for my time zone from Central Time. Once again, you can't trust everything you read on the Internet.
The sermon speaker talks at length about the risk our country faces from climate change, a potential "super-volcano" off the west coast of Africa and mad cow disease. Truly a trip to church can offer comfort from stormy times....
5:30 p.m.: It's still relatively calm at the end of the online service, so I walk down the street to Spectrum for a snack. The Villa Nova package store has its mailbox blown off the wall, and seems to have part of its sign blown off as well. Across the street, it's a good thing baseball season is over - because Golden Park might have wet grounds for a month.
Inside Spectrum, an attendant says: "No one in Phenix City has any power." I tell her during the morning, some people did. She seems rather stunned by this. Maybe she meant the new mayor hasn't taken office yet.
(WXTX "News at Ten" reported about 6,000 Phenix City customers were without power Thursday night. That compares to about 12,000 in Auburn - apparently proving it pays for Phenix City to have only a two-year college.)
6:12 p.m.: Finally the power flickers at home for the first time. But it stays on all evening, despite a few momentary glitches at awkward times - such as right after I turn on the computer, meaning I have to let it restart for six minutes.
BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: Do you have a humorous "Ivan adventure" to share? Please e-mail us, and we'll share it with our readers....
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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15 SEP 04: IVAN-A-VAMOOSE
Auburn University has cancelled classes for the rest of the week, because of Hurricane Ivan. But as of Tuesday night, the Saturday football game against L.S.U. was still on. That's what I like about Auburn - its priorities are in order.
People across South Alabama have plenty of reason to be concerned about Hurricane Ivan. But c'mon - no classes for three days at Auburn? Is Interim President Ed Richardson's budget-cutting becoming THAT desperate?
The forecast track on Tuesday night indicated Ivan could plow right up Interstate 65, from Mobile to Montgomery. If Federal Judge Myron Thompson is reading this - there still could be time to change your mind, and let that Ten
Commandments monument go back in the rotunda.
Governor Bob Riley ordered residents of five Alabama coastal cities to evacuate Tuesday. If people aren't careful, "Orange Beach" may wind up more of a Seaweed Green.
People even were ordered to evacuate some mobile homes in Chambers County and Eufaula. The homes might not be strong enough to take hurricane-force winds - but if they start rolling over after they're blown off foundations, at least they WILL be mobile.
At least five evacuation shelters were open in east Alabama Tuesday night, for people escaping Ivan. They included Philadelphia Baptist Church in Smiths Station - which I guess leaves the Roy Martin Center in Phenix City for all the atheists.
Ivan still could bring heavy rain and strong winds to Columbus - so Tuesday night I took an inventory. I have one gallon of water, as well as a 12-pack of Dasani cans. There are seven cans of chili in the pantry. And if all else fails, there's an unlimited number of roaches in the kitchen I can catch and cook.
(True confession: the Dasani 12-pack is a gift from the Columbus Wardogs - handed out to journalists the day the arena football franchise first was announced several years ago. Wouldn't it be sad if the water lasts longer than the team?)
Some Columbus residents rushed to Wal-Mart and similar stores Tuesday, stocking up on essentials in case the hurricane moves this way. Bottled water and batteries sold quickly - and if Ivan doesn't show up here, bored teenagers can pour the water on the batteries for a cool chemistry experiment.
The church congregation I attend is two weeks away from an annual convention. Many of the members plan to head for Panama City Beach, so they're thankful Ivan may be heading west of there. And if the hurricane comes ashore in Biloxi - well, that'll teach those sinners to have casino gambling.
Ivan is nothing to laugh at, you say? OK, let's try some other topics:
+ Rainbow/PUSH leader Jesse Jackson spoke to students at Columbus State University. He urged them to register for the November election by saying, "Vote for lower tuition!" Someone should tell Dr. Jackson the Georgia Governor isn't up for re-election this year.
(WRBL showed two guys outside the C.S.U. Lumpkin Center backing President Bush, with a giant cardboard cutout of him. If it's cardboard and not a blow-up doll, are these guys REALLY better off today than they were four years ago?)
+ The Ledger-Enquirer went before the Georgia Supreme Court, asking for the release of some evidence in the Kenneth Walker case. You'd think after nine months, the newspaper would have some sort of "undisclosed source" who would leak these things.
+ Shaw High School softball coach Debbie Ball was among five people named to the Chattahoochee Valley Sports Hall of Fame. Well, it's about time! A sports hall of fame HAS to have a "Ball," to even exist....
+ Instant Message to the two tired soldiers I outran for several blocks on the Riverwalk Tuesday morning: I don't mean to rub it in - but my age is now 46, and my weight is still above 190 pounds.
BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.66 a gallon at Dolly Madison on Victory Drive.... batteries as low as 39 cents with a coupon at Walgreens.... but why did the $1 McChicken sandwich disappear from the downtown McDonald's?
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll probably have no entry Thursday, as we mark the Biblical "Feast of Trumpets." Please stay safe from the storm....)
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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14 SEP 04: OVER THE RAINBOW
We're reversing our usual order today. Before we get to the main topic, we simply MUST comment briefly on several other things:
+ Since I mentioned it for Bobby Peters, I must be evenhanded - there's now a "Suddeth for Marshal" campaign sign posted on the outside wall of the "Boom Boom Room." Of course, Ken Suddeth can do that with a clear conscience. Deputy marshals don't raid places such as this.
+ I was shocked - SHOCKED! - to read online Monday night that Rich's-Macy's will drop the "Rich's" from its name. My old joke about entering Peachtree Mall with "Rich's" and going out with only "Penney's" is about to go out the window.
Rich's and Macy's were merged by Federated Department Stores several years ago - and now the company has decided to call all its stores Macy's. Next thing you know, these New York Yankees will try to take the sugar out of sweet tea.
Rich's Department Stores are more an "Atlanta thing," I suppose. But I used to shop at Rich's quite a bit - and I can name you at least one CNN anchor who bought "Finale on Five" discount items downtown and wore them on the air. Which I guess says something about CNN salaries, doesn't it?!
Macy's certainly will be a classy-sounding name at Peachtree Mall, to go with Dillard's and Parisian. Now if we could just find a fancy-named buyer for "Dollar Tree"....
+ The Chattahoochee Valley Regional Library System decided Monday NOT to close the Lumpkin branch. So which one will get axed instead - the SOUTH Lumpkin branch? As in Road?
Some people say there's nothing for children to do in Lumpkin, besides visit the library. There's no city park, no playground, no video stores - and apparently no parent with a big backyard for playing ball.
The local library system thought about closing the Lumpkin library because teenagers were causing trouble there, and only one full-time librarian was on the staff. Maybe this librarian should go down the road, borrow an old-time whip from
Westville, and keep these rabble-rousers in line.
Lumpkin residents decided to volunteer their time to keep the library open and staffed. Now that's the community spirit! So who will be next -- and buy a basketball goal at Wal-Mart, so the children can get some exercise?
The plan is to hire a second staff librarian in Lumpkin - but whoever takes the job will need a high school education, and be willing to work for less than eight dollars an hour. The way some residents describe this town, the high school education might be the biggest hurdle.
A person who attended a Monday public hearing tells me one man made a BIG deal about the use of jail inmates to clean the Lumpkin Library. If he thinks that makes the library unsafe, he'd better not come to Columbus. On trash days, he'll have to avoid entire neighborhoods.
AND NOW.... for our main event: Jesse Jackson of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition is scheduled to visit Columbus State University today. He's encouraging college students to vote in November. But this might be difficult at C.S.U., which doesn't pick a homecoming queen until basketball season.
Jesse Jackson is coming to town with the "Hope Is On the Way" tour -- as in the Democratic ticket. Some of us would feel more comfortable if a Republican was with him on this tour. You know, we just may have found Dylan Glenn's next
job....
The Jesse Jackson visit to C.S.U. comes on the same night that Columbus city officials hold their second public forum on a proposed one-cent sales tax. Tonight's forum is at Baker Middle School - so if no supporters show up there, I guess we'll know where to find them.
LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: Jesse Jackson's last visit to Columbus occurred three years ago. He visited a church near downtown, only three months after confessing to an adulterous affair. Here's how we reported on it in the LaughLine issue of 23-24 Apr 01:
Jesse Jackson came to our town Sunday afternoon. The organizers of his visit told the local newspaper they hoped to attract a mix of "labor, college students, young and older...." Strangely, they never mentioned a mix of black and white.
We'd guess about 200 people showed up to hear Jesse Jackson speak - and more than 90 percent of them were African-American. The "Euro-American" audience included a man wearing a seersucker jacket, a straw hat and a military-style "buzz cut." When WILL our police learn to disguise the undercover officers better?
Our white Mayor showed up to welcome Jesse Jackson to town, calling the visit an "honor." He said we should focus on Jackson's message, instead of tearing down the messenger. That sounds fair - but why didn't he talk at all about reducing the
number of single mothers?
Jesse Jackson and his tour buses arrived at a church near downtown about 55 minutes after the program started. They left about an hour later, before the closing song was finished. Either Jackson's Georgia tour has an incredibly tight schedule - or he's found a very clever way of avoiding reporters' questions.
But seriously: Jesse Jackson explained he was late because the tour buses missed a turn - and wound up taking a round trip around the metropolitan area. It's no wonder Jackson encourages young people to stay in school. That way, someday someone in his entourage will be able to read a map.
(Maybe also, someone would spell the song title on Jackson's program correctly - so in "We Shall Overcome," the "C" isn't capitalized.)
We were a bit surprised to learn Jesse Jackson's WIFE is on the bus tour with him. Jackson introduced her as "the mother of my five children...." Now hold on a minute! Is that child with Karin Stanford NOT his? Did the Rainbow/PUSH payoff
somehow change the father?
Jesse Jackson's 25-city tour of Georgia is called the "New South Tour for Hope, Healing and Shared Economic Security." How nice of Jackson to be concerned about those laid-off dot-com millionaires....
Jesse Jackson urged his audience to move beyond the "race gap" to the "resource gap." He says the South is filled with low-income workers, such as motel housekeepers. OK, then shouldn't Jackson tell us how much he tipped the motel maid last night?
Jesse Jackson IS a "Reverend" - so he asked "What Would Jesus Do" with the 1-point-5 trillion-dollar budget surplus. "Would he give half to the rich young ruler?" Maybe so. But has Jackson checked that OTHER part of the Bible - about taking from the guy who buried the talent, and giving it to the guy with ten? [Matt. 25:20-28]
Jesse Jackson argued it makes no sense to give part of the tax cut to Bill Gates - since he "lacks the capacity to spend the money." Now hold on a minute! There's all that Microsoft stock available right now, at reduced prices....
Jesse Jackson asked rhetorically how someone could lack health insurance, earn less than 10,000 dollars a year, live in a trailer, and somehow call themselves conservative. Two words, Dr. Jackson -- Home-Based Business.
Jesse Jackson couldn't resist bringing up last week's southern flag vote. "Mississippi voted to secede from the union again! One America, one flag shouldn't be that difficult." Will someone please remind him the vote was about the state flag -- NOT the Stars and Stripes?
(Jackson went on to ridicule Mississippi lawmakers for putting all their energy into the state flag issue, instead of jobs and education. Did we miss something -- or did Jackson WANT South Carolina's legislature to put some energy into a flag last
year?)
Jesse Jackson noted the success of African-American athletes - then dared to quip about the Masters: "If commentators had the vote, Tiger wouldn't have won!" We're not so sure about that. If certain white PLAYERS had the vote, maybe....
LaughLine tried to be merely an observing reporter during Jesse Jackson's speech. But then he asked everyone to stand who's at least 17-and-a-half years old, and NOT registered to vote. We had to get up - the only one in our section who did! Of course, Jackson never asked WHY we weren't registered -- such as our RELIGIOUS reasons, from the Bible....
(We'll get into those reasons another time, if anyone is interested. Let's just say we don't buy the argument, "If you don't vote, you can't complain." If the government takes our tax money without asking us, are we supposed to simply grin?)
Take it from us: Jesse Jackson is a very LOUD speaker. He spoke into the microphone with such force that big speakers near us rattled. And when he emphasized how many families have no health insurance, we got downright scared....
Jackson was introduced by a state House member, who declared him "the Moses of the 20th and the 21st century." How interesting. Didn't Moses LEAVE the people for 40 years, after committing a serious offense?
A local director of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition tried to give Jesse Jackson credit for the E-P-3 spy plane crew coming home from China. He said when Jackson offered to go to China, "Bush heard up! - and settled it." Next time this happens,
WE'LL offer to go to China -- then apply for the Nobel Peace Prize.
The local Rainbow/PUSH director also praised Jesse Jackson for having an "independent mind.... He carries out what the Spirit of the Lord tells him to do." We wonder if MRS. Jackson would agree with that - especially after that expose in the National Enquirer.
A local TV reporter claimed Jesse Jackson drew a "massive crowd." We're not sure what she saw, but the church we attended was NOT full - with a couple of almost empty pews at one side. Could it be Jesse Jackson is losing popularity? Or does he need to come to town on a day when there are no NBA playoff games?
Jesse Jackson's trip is partly a fundraising campaign for the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition. The donation envelope we received has a 35-dollar membership level - but for 100 dollars, you also get the "Jacks-Fax." Why spend 65 extra bucks to hear from Jesse Jackson when he's on TV so often?
Jesse Jackson's appeal for funds made the tour seem like a tight-budget affair. "Macon pays for Columbus, and Columbus pays for Americus...." Yet the Rainbow/PUSH New York office is located on the 27th floor of the Empire State Building! How does the group afford this -- with beggars going one subway station at a time?
(C'mon, Bill Clinton. You can put some pressure on Rainbow/PUSH - to come home to Harlem, where your office is.)
Before the program began, we overheard two men discussing Jesse Jackson in the row behind us. One said, "Don't judge him on what he did in the past, but he's doing now." This man needs to be hired as Timothy McVeigh's P.R. agent. After all, McVeigh hasn't set off a bomb in six years now....
Jesse Jackson's admission of an adulterous affair was the "500-pound gorilla" that hardly anyone in the room wanted to discuss. We asked four people at random how they'd explain allowing an admitted adulterer to speak in a church -- but only one would even admit Jackson IS an adulterer. We guess the rest really DON'T read those tabloids at the supermarkets.
(One woman answered our adulterer question by saying, "I'm glad he encouraged young people to vote." HUH?!?! Maybe Jackson unwittingly has angry George W. Bush supporters signing up....)
BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: If you plan to attend Jesse Jackson's C.S.U. presentation, we'd appreciate your thoughts about it. Please e-mail us....
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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13 SEP 04: UNDER THE GUN
"FINAL NOTICE" warned the outside of the envelope which landed in my mailbox over the weekend. It was a letter from the National Rifle Association - so I was a bit worried. If I didn't respond the right way, this group might send gun-toting lobbyists to my apartment.
The "final notice" warning was puzzling, because I didn't recall getting a FIRST notice from the National Rifle Association. But then again, isn't this how you might expect a pro-gun group to act? Shoot first, and take questions later....
I finally opened the N.R.A. envelope Sunday night, and found a letter inside from Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. He warns: "unless you act now, your Second Amendment rights are certain to be dismantled and destroyed by anti-gun politicians." Is that why the ban on 19 types of assault weapons is expiring tonight?
"Little-by-little they are stripping us of our Constitutional freedoms," the N.R.A. letter warns. Huh?! There's not only the expiring ban on semiautomatic assault weapons, but more cities and states are allowing you to carry concealed weapons. Can the government really ban what it can't see?
"The gun ban lobby is critically using tragedies.... as political springboards," Wayne LaPierre writes. Of course, the National Rifle Association is cynically using a surplus of deer to seek more hunters....
He adds the anti-gun groups "are attempting to pass laws which harass and isolate law-abiding gun owners" - such as higher gun and ammunition taxes. Now this is a revelation! I never considered the proposed one-cent Columbus sales tax harassment before.
The National Rifle Association warns if anti-gun legislation passes, "you and I will be the last generation of gun owners...." We will?! Does this mean all police officers will be armed with billy clubs and tasers?
(By the way, why isn't the N.R.A. outraged at the N.F.L.? Pro football games never end with a "final gun" anymore.)
As you may have guessed by now, Wayne LaPierre's letter really is a sales pitch. He wants me to join the National Rifle Association for at least one year. But there's one small problem with this - don't you have to OWN a gun first? I don't....
While several members of the church I attend own guns and delight in using and collecting them, I've never owned one and have no interest in them. If the deer population grows too big, I'll try to help out by hitting one with my car.
True confession: my late father owned a couple of guns. But I never knew he owned a handgun until we were in a car wreck one Saturday afternoon in Hutchinson, Kansas - and we had to wrap the gun under the front seat in a pillow, so we didn't get in trouble with police.
So why don't I own a gun? I simply never have seen a need for one. I lock my doors and windows and pray before I head on a road trip - figuring at least "One" of those protective measures won't let me down.
I'm sorry, Mr. LaPierre, but I won't be joining the National Rifle Association this time. That means I won't be a subscriber to your magazine "America's 1st Freedom" - especially since the Bill of Rights mentions freedom of speech and the press BEFORE gun ownership.
(That reminds me: does the N.R.A. support the creation of state militias? "A well-regulated militia" is the context of that second amendment it loves so much....)
It also means I won't receive the extra incentive of an "NRA Shooter's Cap." The letter says people who wear it "are recognized around the world as defenders of the U.S. Constitution...." And I thought you needed to wear an Army uniform
to be recognized this way.
No, I will not be taken in by the right-wing scare tactics of groups such as the National Rifle Association. And no, I won't be taken in by the left-wing scare tactics of other groups, either. The only time it pays to drive from one side of the road to the other is in a miniature car, in a parade.
BLOG UPDATE: For the record, the big flag outside the Columbus Civic Center WAS at half-staff Sunday - for awhile, at least. It was halfway up at 2:15 p.m., but all the way up at 4:30. Maybe the managers weer making up for what they missed Saturday.
Now other noteworthy news from Grandparents' Day: (Uh-oh, did you forget YOURS?)
+ Columbus Police announced five arrests, in the theft of nine vehicles from Extreme Motorsports near the J.R. Allen Parkway. So you criminals don't get confused: a "poker run" does NOT mean you steal a motorcycle, and take it to your
late-night poker game.
+ A Unitarian Universalist church in Camp Hill, Alabama fired its pastor, after members learned he was supposed to be registered as a convicted sex offender. I thought these people were supposed to practice tolerance in cases like this....
+ McClung Memorial Stadium hosted its first high school "Battle of the Bands." So many people marched at this event that S.O.A. Watch might be challenged to meet there in November and match it.
(Instant Message to WRBL's Chris Sweigart: Please don't tell me the Battle of the Bands had "hundreds of fans packing the stands" -- especially when you're standing in front of noticeably empty bleachers.)
+ The Atlanta Falcons edged San Francisco in the season opener 21-19 - and fans held their breath every time Michael Vick was sacked. Former Columbus sportscaster Erik Stone used to call Chris Chandler "crystal chandelier." Now people
are treating Vick like he's gold-plated to boot.
+ A man from Americus was one of 200 finalists in the Pepsi "Play for a Billion" contest, but failed to win. Could you imagine a billionaire living in Americus -- and all the Habitat for Humanity homeowners knocking on his door, asking for loans?
COMING TUESDAY: Speaking of "left-wing scare tactics" .... a special "LaughLine flashback" edition about a big-name visitor to Columbus....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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12 SEP 04: LAND OF THE LOST?
We have a couple of e-mail topics to consider this weekend. Our main event concerns an upcoming vote in Columbus:
I'm curious, what is your stand on the upcoming lost tax and the "negotiations" between the Fraternal Order of Police and The City Council? Do you think that the citizens of Columbus have been well informed of what the FOP is requesting of Council, or do you think that they are just asking for more money for raises?
What's my stand? At this point, I'm simply LOST in thought about it....
For those who may not know: LOST stands for Local Option Sales Tax. It's a one-cent tax Columbus city officials want you to approve in November. City Manager Carmen Cavezza warns if it fails, there could be government layoffs - which is a sure way to get Republicans to vote against it.
City officials are holding forums across Columbus to answer your questions about LOST. At the first one last Thursday, they explained a sales tax increase would mean lower property taxes. Now this is unfair! The city went all the way to
Georgia's Supreme Court to keep a property tax freeze - and now it could be dumped.
One well-known Columbus figure expressed his opposition to the LOST at Thursday's forum - veterans' activist Jim Rhodes. Maybe if an exception was made for U.S. flags, and items bought at Ranger Joe's....
I'm not familiar with "negotiations" between Columbus Council and the Fraternal Order of Police - but that group of officers once opposed the LOST, and now supports it. Someone I know dared to say the other day the F.O.P. "pulled a
John Kerry."
(I suggested to that man the group's name should change to Fraternal and Local Order of Police - if it really pulled a flip-FLOP.)
While the Fraternal Order of Police now supports the LOST, the Police Benevolent Association still seems to be leaning against it. Maybe the P.B.A. is waiting to see where the candidates for Sheriff and Marshal stand on it - which amazingly could turn this into an argument of "white tax, black tax."
Are Columbus citizens "well informed" about what the F.O.P. wants? It's just my opinion, but I'd tend to say no. I've heard about too many phone calls where citizens can't figure out which TV station has the "Problem Solvers."
The Fraternal Order of Police isn't helping Columbus citizens, when it comes to informing them of what it wants. For one thing, the only phone numbers I see on billboards are for city officials - with not one for a concerned police officer.
Is the Fraternal Order of Police "just asking for more money for raises?" Well, it doesn't have to ask for more money for guns. We've learned in recent weeks that Marshal Ken Suddeth can come up for the money for those....
My main concern over this issue is the abbreviation for this proposed sales tax: LOST. I doubt any sincere church pastor would support this - because he'd want people to be saved instead.
On the other hand, this tax question might pass if Columbus city officials market it properly. For instance:
+ The money will buy new street lights - or you'll be "LOST in the dark."
+ If the money will improve the Space Science Center, say so - that it's "LOST in Space."
+ Allocate money for animal control - so dogs can be "LOST and found."
E-MAIL UPDATE: We said we had a couple of topics - and here's the second one, which is more of a fan letter:
Richard,
I'm writing to tell everyone that Robbie Watson is back. Robbie is intelligent, educated, informative, and most of all a best friend to me. It has been a long time coming for her and she deserves it. She was the best sports broadcaster at WTVM Channel 9 and she will be the best talk line host. She is
definitely respected by her peers, family and friends. What a great person to know and to have as your friend. Archway has a jewel on their hands!!!
A friend to Robbie,
Taffy Keller
Hoover, Alabama
Taffy, I'm not sure what to make of this. The last time e-mail to our blog praised someone so much, that person was running for Superior Court Judge.
I worked with Robbie Watson several years ago, and I wish her well as the host of WRCG's "TalkLine." But I can recall a few times when I had to give her guidance and assistance. Take the Monday afternoon around 4:00 p.m., when I stunned her by mentioning a rain-delayed NASCAR race....
My current schedule does not allow me to hear Robbie Watson on TalkLine. But it was interesting to read her quote in the Ledger-Enquirer about WRCG going "too far to the left." I never realized D.J. Jones was such a liberal.
Now other notes from a surprisingly rainy weekend:
+ Northside High School won its first varsity football game ever, beating Columbus High 28-14.. NOW will visitors to Northside Park be allowed to walk on the practice field?
+ Georgia Tech stunned Clemson in college football 28-24 -- a game Clemson should have won, except a fourth-down punt in the final minute was botched on a bad snap, leading to a Tech touchdown. They call Tiger Stadium "Death Valley," but on this night Dr. Jack Kevorkian showed up.
(It took about 30 years, but we've finally found a sequel for Auburn's "Punt 'Bama Punt." Maybe this should be called "Roll Tigers Roll.")
+ WDAK revealed Scott Miller was considered for the Auburn University sportscasting job, after Jim Fyffe died last year. Could you imagine Miller and Larry Munson talking with each other before an Auburn-Georgia game? They'd both be so negative that neither team might want to leave the locker room.
+ I mentioned the change of B-101 FM to "The Beat" to some teenagers in the church congregation I attend. One girl said she'd already switched to "Rock 103." She should be thankful our Pastor was nowhere near that conversation, because her whole family might be in big trouble.
+ Instant Message to WXTX: Was it really a good thing to have Joshua McKinney ask viewers during the 10:00 p.m. news if he should buy Semone Doughton a steak dinner? In other cities, I think TV stations arrange to have these things catered.
BLOGGER'S NOTE: Daily blogging may diminish in the next couple of weeks, as we prepare for a fall vacation....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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11 SEP 04: REMEMBER US?
"I was going to ask what day it is," said the middle-aged woman with an open checkbook at a bread store today, "but how could you forget what day this is?" She couldn't - which amazingly puts her several steps ahead of the city of Columbus....
Governor Sonny Perdue called for all flags at Georgia state buildings to fly at half-staff today. But exactly two years after its dedication, September 11th found the big flag outside the Columbus Civic Center at the top of the pole. Did Mayor Poydasheff ever get home from his wedding anniversary trip, to take charge of these things?
One mile down the street, Carl Gregory Dodge flew its flag at half-staff. Yet the only difference I noticed by the city of Columbus was a ten-minute delay in the Saturday midday siren test. Considering Bob Riley suggested people in his state stop at noon for prayer, perhaps this IS the gateway to Alabama.
(Yes, I noticed the flag all the way up the pole at tonight's Georgia Tech-Clemson game. But I'd expect that sort of behavior at a bastion of "liberal academia," even in the South.)
But back to the bread store across town: a woman behind the counter there recalled the September 11th attacks and said, "It's gonna happen again. I'm sure of it." That's a scary thought - but at least none of the bread in this store was sealed with duct tape.
I found out too late about Thursday night's downtown prayer service, so I didn't go this year. After all, the congregation I attend had a weekly service today ON the actual day. And knowing this group, some members might give fallen soldiers a 21-gun salute in the parking lot.
Yet I somehow had a funny feeling all day this worship service wouldn't go according to form. For one thing, the Pastor went ahead with a planned "weekend off" after the attack three years ago. And he just finished a two-week vacation on the west coast - while the rest of us will have to take ours during an upcoming church convention.
My suspicions were confirmed as the service went along. The Pastor led a prayer for September 11th and hurricane victims during announcement time - then came back for a sermon on "The Importance of Right Eating." Right eating?! As if a good breakfast will make you less likely to keep the murder and stealing commandments?
The Pastor admitted he was "preaching to the choir" with his message - and indeed he was. A big crowd was on hand for this service, but I quickly concluded the extra visitors were NOT there to think about September 11th. They were on hand for the big church dinner afterward.
Yes, our congregation chose September 11th for a big annual "sit-down dinner." Which is strange to me, because we never have any stand-up dinners....
(Well, then again we HAVE had stand-up dinners a time or two. After dinner, I did a short stand-up comedy routine.)
I was asked to bring wine to the church dinner. Yes, we DO believe it's OK to drink in moderation - but I tend not to do it. When you're a single guy like me, YOU are the designated driver.
I bought a big bottle of Livingston burgundy wine for the church dinner - only to bring it in and find at least four others with the same label on the wine table. We strive to be united as a congregation in all we do. So apparently we all figured
out which bottle of wine was the best bargain at Winn-Dixie.
A fellow single man pointed out something I hadn't noticed as the dinner ended. He said someone brought the same jug of wine for the third year in a row! I never dare to do this, when people don't touch the brownies I bring....
"It's been two years, and we still haven't emptied this," said the other man of a jug of Carlo Rossi Blush. He told me the first time it was brought, it wasn't even opened. It was opened last year -- and now it was about one-quarter full. Yet I'd guess a Baptist holds the world record, for the longest time taken to empty a wine bottle.
The dinner was very nice, from elegant place settings to strawberry cheesecake - yet I was still puzzled as I drove home tonight. Why didn't my Pastor present a sermon tied to what he calls the "modern-day Pearl Harbor?" Did he somehow
forget this - or did he present a message on eating because he's been fasting for days?
Lest I pick on my own congregation: Glenn Anthony Baptist Church picked September 11th to hold its "AWANA Kickoff Luau." If the Muslim terrorists had won, we wouldn't be eating luaus - at least not with pork as the main dish....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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10 SEP 04: TWO-CHINA POLICY?
Fort Benning's rush to declare things off-limits to soldiers finally went too far Thursday. Two restaurants were added to the list - and one of them hasn't been in business for months! Someone should give the commanders directions to these places, before the brass bans them.
The two additions to Fort Benning's list are the China Inn Express on Victory Drive, and the China King Express on Veterans Parkway. Trouble is, China King shut down months ago - so once again there are problems with military intelligence.
Fort Benning apparently didn't realize the China King Express near Eighth and Veterans Parkway has closed. In fact, something else opened there last spring -- a name blog readers will recall: Mac Daniel's Burger Park! [3 Jun] That place can't even get free publicity when Benning bans it.
(By the way, I'm told Mac Daniel's Burger Park now is closed as well -- so more people in the Historic District may be vegetarians than I realized.)
So why is China Inn Express, well, out? When I first heard about Fort Benning's announcement, I wondered if the cooks on Victory Drive are top-secret spies for Beijing....
But a Fort Benning spokesperson explained it very differently. China Inn Express now is off-limits because drivers made deliveries on post, and tried to "solicit business" without the Army's permission. C'mon, you drivers - leave the soliciting to the Victory Drive nightclubs.
The Fort Benning staff claims China Inn Express's drivers were told to stop asking for customers inside the gate - but the restaurant would change drivers, and the problem would start all over again.. How many Benning privates say the same sort
of thing, when a drill sergeant gets promoted?
Because of violations, China Inn Express no longer is allowed to deliver food inside Fort Benning. This ought to make for some interesting scenes - as soldiers and cooks arrange secret chow mein deals at Victory Drive motels.
(What could be so bad about Fort Benning soldiers buying food from this Chinese restaurant? Did it refuse to sell "General Tsu" chicken or something?)
Is Fort Benning doing all this because it neglected to ban a different sort of business? Soldiers told a U.S. House hearing Thursday they were tricked into signing high-priced life insurance policies on post. Of course, some would argue soldiers signed their lives away when they enlisted....
The soldiers told House members drill sergeants invited them to meetings at Fort Benning, in which they were led to think they were enrolling in savings or mutual fund plans. Instead, it was life insurance they didn't really need -- and you
shouldn't buy "whole life" when your whole life is ahead of you.
The "American Amicable Life Insurance Company" was singled out as the offending company, at both Fort Benning and Camp Pendleton, California. Executives told the House hearing they've fired the agents who sold expensive policies. So how many of them sent resumes to AFLAC?
Now some quick things to close the week:
+ The Columbus Civic Center presented comedian Ron White on his "Drunk In Public" tour. Why should I buy tickets for a show like this, when I can walk down Broadway and see it for free almost any weekend?
+ Troy University stunned Missouri in college football 24-14. As a Kansas graduate, I can't help giggling over this upset - until I remember Kansas isn't ranked, Missouri was, and my Jayhawks struggled to beat Tulsa.
+ Instant Message to the muscular man I saw wearing sunglasses but no shirt, riding a bicycle down Wynnton Road: Well, at least you were heading west - and that's the right direction to Malibu.
COMING SOON: Some "lost" e-mail.... and a look back to Jesse Jackson's last Columbus visit....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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9 SEP 04: JUST BEAT IT
The talk inside Columbus radio stations Wednesday involved a sudden change at WBFA-FM. "B-101" is out, and "101.3 The Beat" is in. So the answer for, "To B or not to B, that is the question" suddenly has changed.
The old B-101 called itself the "number-one hit music channel." The new 101.3 The Beat claims to be the "new number one for hip-hop and R&B." With either format, I think the only way this station is "number one" is if you start at the left end of the FM dial, and turn it right.
Clear Channel Radio apparently dropped the B-101 bomb Tuesday, without telling some staff members. I'm hearing the evening announcer showed up for work, and was told he wasn't needed anymore. Maybe he'll run into old "TalkLine" host Russ Hollenbeck at the VFW Job Fair today....
(Now hold on a minute here! Was this evening announcer white? If he's suddenly disqualified from playing hip-hop and soul music, isn't that racial profiling?)
Clear Channel is introducing 101.3 The Beat by promising to play "10,000 songs in a row, commercial-free." I did the math on this, and it computes to about 30 days of non-stop music. Yet another Columbus station refuses to put Georgia Tech football games on radio.
(Oh, excuse me - I didn't use proper street slang. The Beat calls it "rolling 10,000 JOINTS in a row." I don't think this ever happened in any Cheech and Chong movie -- not even in their dreams.)
Another feature of The Beat is the occasional "back in the day" song. I've been meaning to ask about this for a long time. When WAS "the day," anyway? Did anyone tell me in advance it was coming? Was I given sufficient time to prepare for it?
Not everything has changed with the arrival of The Beat. Take what an announcer says at the top of the hour: "WBFA, Smiths/Columbus." Apparently Clear Channel hasn't heard the news - it's a city called Smiths STATION now.
This change is Clear Channel's latest challenge to Davis Broadcasting - as The Beat clearly is aimed to pull listeners away from "Foxie-105 FM." We mentioned recently that WFXE has lost one-third of its audience in the last year [16 Aug]. Maybe The Beat decided they're all finishing their jail terms.
It's interesting to line up these two radio chains side by side. Clear Channel now has The Beat, while Davis has Foxie 105. Clear Channel has "Hallelujah 1460," while Davis has WEAM. Clear Channel has Magic 98.3, while Davis has K-95.7. You see -- Archway Broadcasting is still white-bread and right-wing after all.
Clear Channel Radio remembered to change the B-101 web site, to reflect the station's new format. The old site allowed you to join the "Rate B Music Club," and evaluate new songs. Maybe that was the problem - too many musicians were B-list celebrities.
So what will happen to the B-101 broadcasters? Program Director Wes Carroll has another job to fall back on - announcing Georgia Championship Wrestling matches, where at least the turnovers tend to be in the script.
The change at B-101 FM follows a sudden drop in the ratings. The station lost half its audience between last fall and this past spring. Of course, this could be a positive sign - as these teenagers graduated from high school early, and went to
college in other states.
Speaking personally, I didn't listen to that old FM station at all. After all -- B-101? I'm still young enough that I don't want to be 51.
With B-101 throwing away its pop music hits, the only Columbus station left with that sort of music is WCGQ. Just think - we could be one lightning storm away from never hearing Avril Levigne on local radio again.
Oh, before I forget - Instant Message to Robbie Watson: I told you so. Several years ago, I said you'd make a great talk show host. And now that you're the new host of WRCG's "Talkline" - well, do you need an agent?
Today's topic was the result of a reader's tip. To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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8 SEP 04: A MIGHTY WIND
The strong gusts of wind stopped blowing across the Columbus area Tuesday - and by nightfall, things were almost calm. I recalled other recent Tuesday nights and thought to myself, "Which election did I miss?"
These were no politicians - it was the last gasp of Hurricane Frances, knocking down trees by the dozen and knocking out power for thousands of people. All in all, I'd rather see "Francis the Talking Mule."
Georgia Power estimates at least 10,000 customers in the Columbus area lost electricity. Some people might not have it back until Thursday -- and for families with children, this could pose a challenge. With no X-Box or Game Boy systems
running, they have to settle for old-fashioned "BORED games."
One of the neighborhoods hit hardest by the storm was Green Island Hills. A wooden street-corner marker for Green Island Drive was knocked down - which should make things fun at Columbus Council, when city crews try to install a green "large-print" metal sign to replace it.
The storm damage wasn't merely confined to Columbus. Parts of metro Atlanta lost power - and Governor Sonny Perdue admitted he shaved Tuesday "with a flashlight." If Georgia had a Democrat as Governor, he'd wield a lot more "power"
than this....
As of late Tuesday night, only Taylor County schools had decided to cancel classes today. Hundreds of people there remain in the dark - about the Civil War, the state flag, race relations; and even their electricity.
I'm thankful to report my corner of Columbus never lost power at all during the storm. I pulled out a small battery-powered travel clock as a precaution - which come to think of it might be a nice change from hearing Don Imus's voice first
thing in the morning.
It was surprising to dial around the radio late Monday night, as the rain and wind reached their peak. The only station which seemed to have live storm reports was "107-Q" FM. That station has news scoops about as often as "Rooster 106" plays a Britney Spears song.
(For all the talk from Clear Channel Radio about offering its listeners a valuable public service, its stations seemed to do hardly anything Monday. This sets a dangerous precedent - and terrorists might choose to attack Columbus on
Thanksgiving.)
The WCGQ announcers made it sound like traffic lights all over Columbus were being turned sideways by the storm. So when I drove to work Tuesday, I tried to avoid as many intersections with stop lights as I could. For once, I was like those
crazed drivers of sport utility vehicles on the freeway....
Yet as I traveled downtown and up Wynnton Road, I didn't see any traffic lights out of line at all. Maybe Columbus city crews brought in some professionals to reset things - like the staff from Peach Bowl.
Even the tunnel connecting Wynnton Road and 11th Street was open with no flooding - you know, the tunnel teenage drivers honk their horns in all the time, showing they've never driven in New York.
When these tropical storms approach, I'm always reminded of what a WRBL reporter did during hurricane season a few years ago. Katie Crecente was a sweet, downright attractive young woman. But for some reason, she stood in front of a storm satellite map one day wearing a raincoat and plastic hat - inside a studio. [True!]
The hurricane evacuation sign came off the Columbus Civic Center marquee Tuesday. In a way, this disappointed me - since the sign openly will promote a "DRUNK IN PUBLIC" comedy concert for the next couple of days. Which one would the Chamber of Commerce rather see up there?
If you're still here from Florida and waiting for things to settle down back home, we understand. Stay as long as you wish - and don't forget to buy a few gas cans, because it appears you're going to need them.
BLOG UPDATE: Fort Benning tacked two businesses onto its "off-limits" list for soldiers Tuesday. One was a big surprise - "Drive 1 of Columbus," a car dealer on Victory Drive. If Phenix City's Council declared this place off-limits, we might understand....
It's not clear why Drive 1 was marked down by Fort Benning's commanders. WRBL reported soldiers had complained of shady dealing there. If that's the real reason, every transmission shop in Columbus may join this list in the next few weeks.
The owner of Drive 1 says he was given no reason for the Fort Benning ban. He speculates soldiers who bought cars developed "buyer's remorse." And imagine how they feel after a quickie wedding....
Doesn't this sound strange - Fort Benning barring soldiers from visiting a used car lot?! What sort of "buyer incentives" might Drive 1 be offering? Might they happen to involve any nightclubs down the street?
The other new business on the "Benning ban" list is The Fire House club - which some people say should have been there all along. Maybe if the staff had raised as much money for "Jerry's Kids" as the real firefighters....
Some downtown businesses are concerned that rowdy soldiers might move their way. So starting this weekend, Broadway bars will enforce a "dress code." The two-drink minimum might be replaced by two stripes.
SONG OF THE DAY: In light of the latest additions to Fort Benning's "verboten list," Wayne Bennett inspired me to put a new local twist on an old December song:
You'd better watch out, Fort Benning guys!
Visit wrong clubs -- that's not very wise!
General Freakley's coming to town!
They're making a list - checking it twice.
Gonna track down purveyors of vice.
General Freakley's coming to town!
When good G-I's are sleeping, he sends out the M-P's,
To see if soldiers break the rule, that you don't go where you please!
Don't go to that bar, or that motel -
Even that place where used cars they sell!
General Freakley's coming to town!
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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for 7 SEP 04: STORMY MONDAY
It didn't take long Monday to see the impact of the approaching Tropical Storm Frances. A little after 9:00 a.m., I saw a man walking down Veterans Parkway with important provisions for the weather. He was carrying a 12-pack of Coors Light.
At Veterans and J.R. Allen Parkway, a makeshift sign pointed people to the "Hurricane Evacuation Route" - only the part with those words was partially tipped over. Was Lowe's out of nails, as well as plywood and generators?
(Which reminds me - why does the hurricane evacuation route lead people south through Columbus? Isn't Frances heading our way FROM the south? Did Uptown Columbus Inc. lobby for this?)
A short trip near Whitesville Road found sprigs of pine trees strewn across the asphalt. As cloudy as it was, you'd almost think it was the last week of December instead of the first Monday in September - and a few stores probably have Xmas decorations up already, anyway.
In parts of Columbus, outer bands from Tropical Storm Frances caused damage Monday. Pine trees broke and fell on a couple of mobile homes. At times like this, you wonder why those homes aren't REALLY mobile - with people moving them out of the way.
Several Red Cross shelters in Columbus and Phenix City have plenty of visitors from Florida. In fact, I hope the evacuees in Phenix City don't find out about Glenwood School - because they might sue for ripping off the "Gators" idea.
The approach of Frances caused so much concern that WRBL showed weather updates and radar maps on the screen for part of the day, instead of the phone number for the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Hopefully viewers didn't become confused, and think Jerry Lewis was developing green splotches on his skin.
(So much for that station having a "First Alert." When the telethon ended, they joined a women's tennis match in progress - then went right into "Jeopardy!" at 7:00.)
If the weather experts are right, the center of Frances should come right over Columbus today. So don't be surprised to see Columbus State women's basketball coach Jay Sparks outside - because he loves to recruit new centers.
Several school districts decided NOT to have classes today. Americus schools are closed, as they were part of the day Friday - but at least the storm finally should put out that peanut fire once and for all.
I was a bit surprised to hear Valley and Chambers County schools are closed today. But then again, some people there probably can't wait for flooding - so they can go fishing on their front porches.
It became so breezy Monday afternoon that two little flags I put in my front porch mailbox for Labor Day blew around a bit. I put out both the U.S. and Canadian flags - but I'm sorry, I'm stubborn enough to refuse to spell labor with a "U."
(I should note I'm the only person in my complex who flies a flag on holidays such as Labor Day. Other residents think it's enough simply to put out the gas grill.)
My power flickered a couple of times Monday night - so that's why I'm posting this well before midnight. Here's hoping Georgia Power didn't send ALL its crews to Florida....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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6 SEP 04: THIS SPAM TASTES FUNNY
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: With all my supplies purchased for the hurricane we're told is NOT coming to Columbus, I'm taking Labor Day off from writing jokes. Instead, I offer a collection that's been embedded in e-mail spam I've received in recent months. Have a nice holiday -- and who knows, maybe these will be an improvement:)
A notoriously absent-minded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter, the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said: "Good evening, professor. How are you?"
"Well," answered the professor, "I thought I was all right when I left home, but now I don't know what's the matter with me. I've been limping for the last half-hour."
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden. While he was sawing, another man passed in the street. He stopped and said, "Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it." He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.
Nasreddin said nothing. He thought, "This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do." The man continued on his way. Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and
Nasreddin fell with it.
"My God!" he cried. "That man knows the future!" and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live. But the man had gone.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm
really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been
treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes. The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."
"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"
"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.
"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her, "Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".
Bertha was a very pretty girl. Quite a lot of young men wanted to marry her, but she was not satisfied with any of them. One day, one of the young men came to visit her and asked her to become his wife. She answered, "No, John, I won't marry
you. I want to marry a man who is famous, who can play music, sing and dance very well, who can tell interesting stories, who does not smoke or drink, who stays at home in the evenings and who stops talking when I'm tired of listening."
The young man got up, took his coat and went to the door, but before he left the house, he turned and said to Bertha, "It isn't a man you're looking for. It's a television set."
A guy sits down in a Café' and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
In some Government offices the clerks, upon arrival in the morning, have to sign their names in an "attendance book." This book provides space for signature, time of arrival, and "remarks." Ten minutes after the hour and official draws a red line under the last arrival's name, and all those coming subsequently are expected to furnish an explanation of their tardiness in the "remarks" column. When a real "London particular" occurs the number "below the line" is legion; the first of them writes: "Delayed by fog," and the rest scribble a "ditto."
One morning -- a foggy one -- Mr. Jones became a proud father; but even this only caused him to be about eleven minutes late. Proudly he wrote in explanation: "Wife had twins," which was followed in due course by the usual string of "ditto's."
Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on
Track 1?"
Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."
The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?"
"He's never seen a train wreck before."
When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening. Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things. One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully. Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"
"Yes, Father, it is." answered Tom.
"And that shirt's mine too, isn't that, Tom?"
"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.
"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.
"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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5 SEP 04: A MESSAGE TO MICHAEL
We'll get to the two big local stories of the weekend - but hopefully you'll understand if I put my family first. Today marks a milestone for Mike, my older brother. He's turning 55! Now that he's reached the speed limit, I hope he'll be careful not to drive above it.
Mike is nine years older than I am, so he was the first in our family to do a lot of things. The first to be married, to graduate from college, to become a father and a grandfather - hey, wait a minute! I've never checked to see if he has his own blog....
Mike always had the edge when we were young, when it came to family competitions. He knew how to win at Monopoly (he HAD to have the race car token). He often humbled me at tennis. And in softball - well, I still have trouble hitting slow-pitch out of the infield today.
Mike was a teenager when the Beatles hit it big, and he collected as many albums as he could. He even had an electric guitar - but sadly, they didn't invent "Nashville Star" for another 40 years.
I always bring up my brother when people try to put down chemistry as a college major. After all, Mike has a bachelor's degree in chemistry from Kansas -- and even some graduate hours. I'm sure the knowledge has come in handy, during his
years driving trucks.
I wanted to surprise my brother by driving to Kansas City for his 55th birthday, much as I went there when he turned 50. But sadly, my schedule is so busy this year that I couldn't make the trip. Besides, he'd probably sucker me into moving around heavy church furniture with him again.
SPAM-A-RAMA: As my brother's 55th birthday approached this past week, a curious e-mail arrived in the InBox - with a name on it matching my older brother:
Dear Burkard,
I am Barrister Marcel Upaa , I am the Personal Attorney to Engr.Michael Burkard national of Your country, who used to work with shell development Company in Nigeria.
On the 21st of April 2002, my client, his wife and Their three children were involved in a car accident Along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road. Unfortunately they All Lost their liv es in the event of the accident, since Then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to Locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.
After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his Relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of His family but of no avail, hence I contacted you.
Did my brother somehow have a mysterious twin, which I never heard about? And if so, why didn't we at least get a Shell gas discount from this man?
This "barrister" goes on to write the Burkard family had a $10 million Nigerian bank account, which is being offered to ME if I agree to be "next of kin." No wait - he adds I'd only get 30 percent of this, while he gets 60 percent. And you wonder why more people haven't sued Continental Carbon....
This curious offer had me wondering for a few days -- until when another spam message came this weekend. Now a FRANK Burkard's bank account is offered to me, after his entire family died in an African plane crash several years ago. I'm glad I never took up a former roommate's offer to visit his homeland of Nigeria. We might never have returned.
.BLOG UPDATE: The first sign of a big event in Columbus came Saturday afternoon, as I drove north to Ninth Street. All parking spaces were blocked from Veterans Parkway west to the river. Either the Vice President was coming to town, or I missed the first "Welcome Hurricane Victims" parade.
The five blocks of closed parking spaces was part of the city's security plan for a visit by Vice President Cheney to the Trade Center. You never know when some terrorist will buy fireworks in Russell County, and try to turn them into a roadside bomb.
I've been in Columbus long enough to know Ninth Street is usually a quite empty street on Saturday afternoons - so those closed parking spaces on the street were no big deal. There are times when it pays to have a downtown zone that's still
quite dead.
Vice President Cheney and his wife arrived at Columbus Metropolitan Airport around 6:00 Saturday night. But if his goal was to make an impact on the evening local news, he failed. Many people forgot it was the first weekend of college football, and the Wake Forest-Clemson game didn't finish until after 7:00.
Did you see the Vice President walk down the stairs from Air Force Two in a tuxedo? If you didn't know better, you might have thought he actually was going to a million-dollar fundraiser....
One incident occurred while Vice President Cheney was at the airport. Columbus Police say a 13-year-old tried to climb a security fence, and get on the tarmac. These School of the Americas protesters get younger all the time.
Assistant Police Chief Rick Boren indicated to WXTX "News at Ten" the 13-year-old was NOT arrested for climbing the airport fence. In fact, he might wind up in future commercials -- as the most enthusiastic visitor to the Columbus Airport in
years.
Hundreds of people lined up along Airport Thruway, hoping to get at least a glimpse of the Vice President as he traveled downtown. Many of them had to be surprised, as Dick and Lynne Cheney went by in a limousine - and NOT a Rob Doll
Nissan.
When the procession reached the Trade Center, the Vice President and his wife spent about an hour at the Third Ranger Battalion Ball. News reporters were NOT allowed inside the dance. What sort of precedent could this set next January - a
classified inaugural ball?!
(Which reminds me: if Laura Bush is "first lady," should we call Lynne Cheney the "second lady?" In this day of politicians cheating on their spouses, it doesn't sound quite right....)
People who attended the ball say Vice President Cheney gave a 15-minute inspirational speech, which ended with everyone giving him a standing ovation. Perhaps he encouraged the soldiers to get each other's names -- in case one of them decides to run for President in 30 years and brags about winning a Purple Heart in Iraq.
We're told Vice President Cheney was presented a polo shirt with the Third Ranger Battalion logo on it. If only his heart allowed him to play a sport like polo anymore....
It happened my Saturday evening running course was scheduled to go down the Riverwalk past the Trade Center. I started the run wondering if Secret Service agents would block my path. And I was a bit concerned, because the other direction found Golden Park holding both a fireworks show AND "dog night."
Along the Riverwalk at about Fifth Street I saw headlights in the distance. "I knew it," I said to myself. They're probably blocking off the Trade Center section for security reasons - though for some reason, Fort Benning hasn't put a checkpoint on its section of the Riverwalk.
Jogging north at Sixth Street, I passed a man sitting on a bench with a bicycle next to him. "I assume it's blocked off up ahead?" I asked.
"What?!?!" the man replied. Maybe he pedalled all the way here from Florida, to escape the hurricane.
Another block down, the reason for the headlights became clear. Two Columbus police scooters passed me heading south -- only they were clearing the path for a tow truck, hauling a third scooter which apparently broke down. I'll say one thing
for them: the truck put more light on that section of the Riverwalk than it's had in a couple of years.
It was about 8:20 p.m. when I reached the Trade Center - and without my knowing it, Vice President Cheney already had left. I faced no police blockade at all. There wasn't even one from twin couples holding hands in the twilight - what I call a "quadruped."
Air Force Two flew out of Columbus as night fell, passing over the Hardaway High football game at Kinnett Stadium. Vice President Cheney should have stayed in town for awhile -- as this game was probably a preview of the November election. Hardaway beat Upson-Lee 2-0.
So why didn't Vice President Cheney spend the night in Columbus? I now can reveal the Sheraton Hotel on Sidney Simons was the one which received the Secret Service security check a few days ago. Maybe the management will learn a lesson from this, and add Fox News Channel to its TV system.
Do you remember the last visit by a Vice President to Columbus? It was 1998, and Al Gore went to Columbus State University to examine the I-CAPP program. Some people will be surprised to learn he did NOT claim to invent it.
The Al Gore trip six years ago used Fort Benning's Lawson Army Airfield as the landing spot for Air Force Two. Dick Cheney's flight used the Columbus Airport. Those old stereotypes keep coming back, don't they? Democrats support more government involvement, while Republicans oppose it.
As the Vice President made his quick trip to Columbus, some visitors from Florida spent the night in hotels and shelters. Hurricane Frances finally came ashore, thankfully weakening a bit before it did. But incredibly, it moved in slower than some 80-year-old Florida drivers....
The Columbus Civic Center was set up as a "hurricane evacuation relief center" -- but when I checked it around 8:45 Saturday night, the parking lot was empty and the doors were locked. Apparently you're only expected to show up with only the clothes on your back during bankers' hours.
Then again, maybe all the evacuees from Florida were staying at Port Columbus. A small yard sign on the main driveway directed people toward the Civil War Naval Center. Damaged warships are a wonderful way to prepare you for the damage
awaiting back home.
Of course, our area is doing all it can to accommodate people fleeing the hurricane. How brilliant of Fort Benning to prepare for this storm weeks ago - by banning soldiers from several Victory Drive motels.
The Motel 6 and Days Inn on Victory Drive didn't look that filled with cars when I drove by them Saturday night. Come to think of it, we didn't have any evacuees at the church I attend earlier in the day. These Florida faithful probably have their "prayer closets" reinforced with concrete.
So where is Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff, while a top Republican visits town and the city prepares for possible remnants from a hurricane? I'm told he and his wife are out of the country, on a trip marking their 50th wedding anniversary. We wish them well - but we'd feel a bit more comfortable if the mayor turned on his cell phone once in awhile.
It's been a late night with much to discuss, so it's time to wrap up the party with these short things:
+ A cold storage warehouse in Americus caught fire and burned for two days. In the process, a record may have been set -- as millions of pounds of peanuts stored in the warehouse became "fresh roasted."
(Americus schools were closed at 12:00 noon Friday. Officials said it was due to smoke from the warehouse fire. I can't help wondering of the smell of those burning peanuts simply made all the students hungry.)
+ Auburn opened its college football season by shutting out Louisiana-Monroe 31-0. That's quite a change from the last two season openers, which were losses to Southern California. The only "S-C" Coach Tommy Tuberville wants to see for awhile is South Carolina - or maybe Sumter County.
+ The Columbus Catfish "dog night" promotion was postponed a day, because of "unplayable field conditions" Friday. You don't think that was because they tested the promotion with a bunch of pit bulls on the field....?!
+ Instant Message to Clear Channel Radio: Who hacked inside the WHAL-AM music computer of "gospel music" and added "Thunder Island" by Jay Ferguson? You know, the song with the line "My lady/ In the sun with your dress undone"? Some of us WERE paying attention....
COMING MONDAY: Don't delete this spam; you might miss something funny....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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3 SEP 04: FLEE-RIDA
Days of speculation were confirmed Thursday night, with the announcement that Vice President Cheney will visit Columbus this weekend. The reason why he's coming here seemed obvious - to appeal for votes from all the Florida residents who have moved here for a few days.
We welcome all the people who have taken refuge in Columbus from the approaching hurricane. And we encourage our guests to try to have some fun while they're here. For instance, try this tongue-twister: "My family fled Florida, afraid of Frances."
Motel rooms were full in many Georgia and Alabama cities Thursday, as people evacuated Florida. Valdosta, Macon and Eufaula reportedly had all their rooms booked -- which is big news, considering Eufaula is the only one you'd probably want to visit over Labor Day weekend.
Several Columbus motels tried to be merciful on evacuees, by offering the lowest rates they could. We're still waiting to see if the nightclubs on Victory Drive will be so cooperative....
Even the House of Mercy offered to take in people fleeing Hurricane Frances. Some long-term residents may meet visitors from Palm Beach - and wind up moving there with new jobs as domestic help.
Several Columbus stores were out of generators Thursday. Even before this, Home Depot reported it was out of bottled water. As if people GO to Home Depot to buy bottled water? Do you need it to make your new faucet work?
Isn't it interesting that in a Presidential election year, Florida is getting hit by two strong hurricanes only three weeks apart? It almost makes you wonder if Someone is trying to send a message, about who REALLY had more votes four years ago.
Given the rush of people into Columbus, you might wonder where Vice President Cheney will find a place to sleep after appearing in Columbus. It simply wouldn't look right for Rob Doll to put a mattress inside a Nissan SUV for him....
But don't worry about the Vice President. I'm told the Secret Service did a security sweep of a nice hotel near the airport earlier this week, in preparation for a visit. Clearly when it comes to the White House staff, membership has its privileges.
For some reason, Vice President Cheney will NOT make a public campaign appearance in Columbus. Instead, he'll visit a Third Ranger Battalion military ball at the Trade Center Saturday night -- and it's CLOSED to the news media! Maybe he'll be interviewing soldiers for jobs with Halliburton....
One other scheduled event for this weekend has been postponed. October 23 is the new date for the Civic Center's "Chaos in Columbus" boxing card. Between the evacuees from Florida and a Vice Presidential visit, we might have chaos anyway.
E-MAIL UPDATE: The Children's Miracle Network put down any rumors Thursday about its executive director - and seemed to aim the firehose directly at your blog. This message came first:
Richard,
Rather than making assumptions about why the CMN Director resigned, why don't you ask your "sources" about her recent engagement and upcoming marriage in October, not to mention the fact that she is moving next month. Of course, that did not cross your mind, I'm sure. We will encourage her to add you to the guest list...but be sure to bring a gift!
She has served the families and sponsors of CMN faithfully and tirelessly for years. She will be missed by all who have had the pleasure of knowing her. Her contributions to CMN far surpassed any of the expectations.
Wishing her well in her marriage......
A grateful CMN family
Thank you for the clarification - and no, my sources never mentioned Alexis Cantwell being engaged. They can be like some Paul Harvey news stories: "Just what, not why."
I wish Alexis Cantwell - uh, well in her marriage, too. Finding the love of your life can be a "miracle" as well. At least I've heard that, because I'm still looking for one....
I'll be happy to bring a gift to Alexis Cantwell's wedding in October, if I can make it. Let's see: maybe something with the letters "C-M-N" in it - naaah, I can't afford to buy her a condominium.
Not long after that came a supporting message from Alan Quin of Sunny 100 FM:
I'm an Alexis fan from way back. How possibly could Columbus Regional and CMN find anyone better to argue, fight, cry, laugh, celebrate success and still learn with all in an effort to do and gain the most for the Children's Miracle Network.
Anybody notice the $70k plus increase in telethon this year? Anyone notice the effort radio put in cross-promoting the event? Anyone notice it's close proximity to this year's radio-thon? Anyone notice we never gave anything more than hourly totals on the air last year during radiothon?
My challenge and charge to those who choose to be critical from the outside............get involved and encourage others to do the same........whatever your cause.
Negative is easy, positive is another issue.
AQ
Uh-oh -- I'd better not go to Georgia Freight and ask for the Reggie Foster special for awhile.
Our thanks to AQ for showing at least one fundraising event in Columbus did well this year. Maybe all those CMN telethon donors were moved to give, simply because they were happy not to watch hours of infomercials.
As for that thought for the day: "Negative is easy, positive is another issue" - just remember: a battery-powered radio can't work correctly without a little bit of both.
(And for the record: I'm an "Alexis fan" from way back, too -- only it was supermodel Kim Alexis, starting about 20 years ago.)
(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Because of Thursday's twin breaking stories, our item about the Marshal will be delayed until another day....)
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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2 SEP 04: G'S FOR W
Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue declared a state of emergency Wednesday night. He said it was because of Hurricane Frances. But why am I thinking he's concerned about Zell Miller coming home and running against him in 2006?
Senator Zell Miller gave the keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, even though he says he'll remain a Democrat. The last time a U.S. Senator zig-zagged this much, the place may have been Chappaquiddick.
Local Democrats say Republicans can't accuse John Kerry of flip-flopping on issues, then turn around and have "Zig-Zag Zell" Miller speak at their convention. I think it's sort of like dating. If you change your mind away from me, you're wishy-washy and won't commit. If you change your mind toward me, you've converted to the truth.
No, I have NOT been watching the Republican Convention on television - just as I didn't watch the Democrats several weeks ago. In fact, so many speakers have said the same things over and over that I've concluded these parties really are secret cults.
(The TV event of the night for me was the Latin Grammy Awards - and I'm thankful to report there was NO repeat of last year's show. Long-time readers will recall that was the night my water heater leaked, and left a puddle in the living room.)
President Bush will give his big speech tonight, accepting the Republican nomination for a second term. Before he does, someone should ask him - is this election winnable?
To be "fair and balanced" like July [29 Jul], I returned to the Fundrace web site Wednesday night to check which local residents have donated to the Republican campaign. It turns out President Bush has far more $2,000 donors from Columbus than John Kerry does. In fact, what does it say when John Edwards still has more $2,000 donors than John Kerry?
The biggest political donor of all in town is investment banker Salvador Diaz Verson. He's given the Republican National Committee more than $25,000. If Diaz Verson isn't careful, he's going to donate his entire tax cut.
The list of $2,000 donors to President Bush's campaign is dominated by one name. AFLAC shows up as the employer of 11 different "maximum" supporters. So when will the duck walk through the White House Rose Garden in a commercial?
(I read online that AFLAC threw a big party at the Republican Convention in New York for Senator Saxby Chambliss. I wonder if the guests had to answer an "AFLAC Trivia Question" -- like naming the man Chambliss beat two years ago.)
Thanks to this election list, I learned the President and Chief Financial Officer of AFLAC lives a short walk from me on Front Avenue -- and Kriss Cloninger is a $2,000 donor to the Bush campaign. Now I know where to start, if I decide to sell my album door-to-door.
Several familiar corporate names are maximum donors to President Bush's campaign. There's Daniel Amos of AFLAC. There's Jim Blanchard of Synovus. There's Richard Ussery of TSYS. And there's Bill Heard -- who somehow has a road and highway named after him, while Bobby Peters still doesn't have either one.
The Bush campaign donation list also has $2,000 from both "Lawrence Hogan Mize" and his wife. You probably know him better as Larry Mize, the pro golfer. So where's the executive order, returning a P.G.A. tour event to Callaway Gardens?
(And how about this -- the Bush campaign has a $750 gift from Carver High School football coach Wallace Davis! It's a wonder he hasn't been pushed into speaking at the convention.)
It's a bit surprising to find three Columbus attorneys on the list of maximum donors to President Bush's campaign. You mean they're not supporting "trial lawyer" John Edwards? Hmmmm - maybe there's a bar exam which needs double-checking here....
Doctors ad medical professionals also fill the list of "W donors." For instance, Dr. Jack Hughston of Hughston Clinic fame made one donation of $540 before July 31. Wait a minute - $540? Now we know WDAK has a right-wing bias.
(If you're still in doubt about this: Mike Gaymon of the Chamber of Commerce has donated $150 - and he has a weekly WDAK talk show now.)
And for you conspiracy buffs: the donation list has $100 to the Bush campaign from "C.L. Patrick" of Carmike Cinemas. But don't you think he would have been paid that money back, to keep "Fahrenheit 911" out of his theatres?
Now for some Instant Messages which shouldn't be political at all:
+ To all critics of Muscogee County School Superintendent John Phillips: Have you recovered yet? I mean, from the news that he's a finalist for Georgia Superintendent of the Year....
(Given some of the things John Phillips has said and done, I imagine many people were surprised to learn he's in the final four for Georgia Superintendent of the Year. Maybe he moved that money allocated for a "chief of staff" to lobby for this.)
+ To the Columbus State University women's soccer team: Do you realize your opening home game Wednesday night at "The Farm" probably had more fans than the Columbus Catfish at Golden Park? They had a baseball doubleheader -- but of course, you probably had many more "headers."
+ To the driver behind me who honked his horn at Wynnton and Buena Vista Roads: Did you REALLY expect me to run that red light? Have you come to think everyone in Columbus does that?
+ To the couple I saw lying together on a Riverwalk bench at about 7:30 Wednesday morning: Did you two know each other when you finally woke up? And did you know where you'd been the night before?
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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1 SEP 04: POOLE PLAY
Columbus NAACP President Edward DuBose went before Columbus Council Tuesday, to report a man was treated unfairly by a police officer last week. Come to think of it, when WAS the last time a civil rights group presented an award to the law officer of the year?
Ed DuBose illustrated his short presentation to Columbus Council by raising his hands in the air, then folding them like he was pointing a weapon. At moments like this, we're grateful the Government Center has security checkpoints - because
some overzealous officer might have shot DuBose on the spot.
Ed DuBose spoke in behalf of Paul Poole. Poole says he was in his car in a parking lot minding his own business, when a police officer pointed a gun at him and ordered him to get out. I've heard of getting stopped for "driving while black," but never "parking while black."
Paul Poole happened to fit a description of a suspect Columbus police were seeking, but he was NOT the right man. So did the officer overreact by pointing a gun in the car window? Or should we wait until Columbus Council gets a bill for a
new bullet-proof vest?
Paul Poole says he filed a complaint with Columbus Police about his treatment last week - but he has yet to receive a response. Tell us about it! David Glisson was fired more than six months ago, and he still doesn't know if he'll be indicted.
Paul Poole was peeved as well because when he filed his complaint with Columbus Police, it was taken down on a note pad. There was NO formal paperwork filled out, he says. This man truly is a rare breed - someone who likes government documents.
Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier explained sometimes police complaints actually ARE filled out on note pads, but they're still recorded. After all, imagine if Republicans had tried to fit every piece of the Whitewater investigation onto a single flow chart....
But back to the main point: Edward DuBose told Columbus Council Paul Poole easily could have become the next Kenneth Walker. Thankfully, that did not happen - but how far does DuBose want to go? Should police trade in all their guns for long inflatable balloons?
Councilor Mimi Woodson responded to Edward DuBose's story by saying she had her own complaint last weekend, involving the Sheriff's Department. Hmmmm - who was pulling up the Robert Taylor campaign signs?
Mayor Bob Poydasheff promised to look into these reports of law officers pushing their authority too far. After all, the officers might get the feeling they're running Columbus - and Fort Benning military officers already are trying to do that.
E-MAIL UPDATE: We mentioned last week a certain local charity had NOT announced the results of its annual radiothon. A reader in Birmingham whom we're keeping anonymous figured out it was the Children's Miracle Network, and sent us this:
Richard,
I called Clear Channel and they raised 19,000. I believe that they raised around 80,000 last year. That will hurt the tote board next telethon. I hate it.
Ouch! This could be the biggest cloud "Sunny 100" has faced in years....
I've now heard through several sources that Alexis Cantwell resigned as Children's Miracle Network director after last week's radiothon. I don't know if it was due to that fundraiser or not -- so I'll resist the urge to say CMN went to the Cantwell once too often.
Several big fundraisers in Columbus have fallen well short of their goals in the last year. The trend includes the Valley Rescue Mission telethon in March - but I think that was because too many people knew I'd be singing....
Still, the numbers from charity events are stunningly poor in the last 12 months. Valley Rescue Mission's telethon came in well under its goal. So did the Children's Miracle Network radiothon. And if the United Way sees another big decline this fall, it might have to start next year's campaign the day after this year's ends.
Now other tiny tidbits from Tuesday:
+ Police in Valley said a masked man with a gun held up a Waffle House at 3:30 a.m. Or as Elmer Fudd might report the story: "A wascal wobbed the waffle westauwant with a wifle."
(The suspect was last seen running toward the Valley Holiday Inn - so I guess we could say he wanted his Waffle House order scattered.)
+ Some parents at Talbotton-Central High School complained their children were suspended from class 50 days for getting in a fight. I can see why the parents would consider that harsh. In the National Hockey League, those teens would have
spent only five minutes in a penalty box.
+ Speaking of hockey: the Columbus Cottonmouths announced they'll open the season at home October 29 against Knoxville, then host the "Macon Trax" the next night. If you ask me, this nickname Trax sounds a bit C-D....
+ Washington Redskins team owner Daniel Snyder bought a portion of the Six Flags company, and talked like he may try to take it over. Imagine driving to Atlanta and seeing his influence - at the new, improved "Six Helmets Over Georgia."
COMING THURSDAY: Who says Columbus is a Democratic town?....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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31 AUG 04: DEPUTY DOGGED
Former Muscogee County Sheriff's Deputy David Glisson finally spoke out Monday about -- uh, about -- well, we hoped he'd talk about the shooting of Kenneth Walker. But after reading the Ledger-Enquirer interview, I was left with the feeling
Glisson wants to run for sheriff somewhere.
Attorney Richard Hagler would NOT allow the Ledger-Enquirer's Richard Hyatt to ask David Glisson any questions about the shooting of Kenneth Walker last December. Isn't this a bit like telling a reporter you can't ask President Bush any questions about Iraq?
(Come to think of it, I guess that explains the newspaper's headline for the interview: "Living with Restraint.")
The article on David Glisson reminded me of too many interviews on morning TV news shows. A newsmaker can't appear without his or her spouse. The newsmaker only has a couple of meaningful things to say. And if you try to pry something else out of them, they repeat those couple of things like they're programmed.
(Oh, by the way -- if Kenneth Walker is "Kenny" in the newspaper, shouldn't David Glisson be "Dave?")
The interview revealed David Glisson followed his uncle and three cousins into law enforcement. To quote the newspaper article: "we were all born and raised here and we all love Columbus." The reporter apparently failed to ask why Glisson now lives in Salem....
David Glisson was one of the founding members of the Metro Narcotics Task Force in 1989. He admits having long hair back then, but only wearing a fake earring. Now hold on - was this group looking for drugs, or cheap dates on Victory
Drive?
Ralph Johnson was one of David Glisson's supervisors when the Metro Squad began. That same Sheriff Johnson fired Glisson in February, in the wake of Kenneth Walker's shooting. Maybe this now explains why the Sheriff didn't name Glisson for weeks.-- Glisson was undercover so long, Johnson wasn't sure who he was.
As much as he's been portrayed as a cold-blooded gun handler, David Glisson says he never kept a weapon in his home. For one thing, Glisson brought up four children there. For another thing, some guys simply know how to leave their work at
the office.
If David Glisson has found a new job since his February firing, the Ledger-Enquirer article didn't reveal it. Instead, Richard Hyatt writes Glisson is accepting the fact he'll never be a law officer again. So that missing "person of interest" in Smiths Station is asked to drive to Glisson's house and surrender on his own.
Attorney Richard Hagler had the last word in the newspaper article, saying David Glisson is waiting on the sidelines for the Kenneth Walker investigation to play itself out. Hagler adds Glisson is "talked about as if he is an object rather than a human being." Is Hagler really surprised by that? If we can't see his face, he might not have one.
As it happened, one of the lead attorneys for Kenneth Walker's family was indicted Monday. Bill Campbell is accused of corruption and bribe-taking during his years as Atlanta Mayor. Oh no - do you think Campbell learned how to do this by
watching Olympic judges in 1996?
Bill Campbell told reporters the federal grand jury indictment against him was full of "lies from beginning to end." That's probably true of at least one national political convention, too - but we're trying to figure out which one....
Bill Campbell says a top F.B.I. polygraph expert recently gave him a lie detector test, and he passed it. How many losing candidates in Atlanta wish they'd demanded this of him years ago?
Now to make a quick end of things....
+ The Republican National Convention began in New York, with Muscogee County Chair Rob Doll serving as an alternate delegate. Do you count as half a minority group member if you sell Nissans for a living?
+ The Muscogee County School Board began public forums on a new "five-year plan." I can hear home-schoolers grumbling now - about how this board is just like the Communists under Josef Stalin.
+ A Columbus fire truck was called to Benning Park, after children apparently started a grass fire near the tennis courts. I happened to watch this scene -- and as usual, no one was ON the tennis courts. So it couldn't have been sparked by a wild serve.
+ Instant Message to Evangel Temple First Born Church: You emphasize clean living, right? So why does your big church bus have such dirty black fumes coming from the back?
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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30 AUG 04: A FALLING OUT
"You're a genius," a co-worker told me one day last week. Oh no, I'm not. If I was a genius, this blog would have a paid sponsorship and a movie deal worth six figures by now....
I was reminded again Sunday both of why some people consider me a genius, and why I know I'm not one. It all began with a trip to the laundromat. I prepared for this Saturday night, by stocking up on one-dollar bills while on a couple of errands. At least my wallet felt fuller this way.
Problem #1: This laundromat's change machine often has trouble on weekends - and the attached dry cleaning business isn't open then. I checked at the front door, and noticed nothing unusual. But when I carried by hamper full of clothes
inside, the "out of service" light was on. Did I breathe on it too hard?
The hamper was hustled back into the car, and I drove to a nearby supermarket for quarters. I know from experience the small shops near this laundromat don't keep enough quarters stocked up - and they're a bit annoyed at this laundromat's
change machine having problems. Hey, at least it brings in extra customers....
I didn't want to offend the folks at the supermarket, so I bought a couple of bags of corn chips and asked for change as I bought them. Now I had a pocketful of quarters - and I felt like a former boss of mine, who used to boast about how he reported on news stories this way years ago. Yes, there was life BEFORE cell phones.
Back to the laundromat I drove, and a woman outside warned me about the change machine. "Yes, I know," I said, explaining where I'd just been. Too bad this place doesn't have a sign to flip on the front window for this.
The laundry work went well - at least until I was sorting out which clothes were dry and which needed extra time. Problem #2: my stack of wet stuff wanted to fall off the top of the dryer onto the floor. And it wasn't really wet enough to just sit there and make the laundromat even more humid.
Problem #3 came as I hustled some clothes on hangers to the car. A pair of slacks fell on the asphalt - then a shirt or two wanted to fall off my car hook into the back seat. Well, the "fall season" IS almost here.
Once the laundry finally finished, I drove toward home on Victory Drive - and noticed a clear stroke of lightning in the west. Before you ask: no, it appeared far north of South Seale Road....
I concluded rain was coming, so I needed to hustle the clean clothes into my home as soon as possible. There was more errands to run. The "alleged genius" side of me figured the rain would fall as I drove to my other stops - totally forgetting
lightning could strike my metal-framed car.
I grabbed items for the other stops and drove north. Problem #4: the wind from the approaching storm blew a huge piece of clear plastic across Veterans Parkway - and I drove right over it, then looked in my rear-view mirror and saw nothing. Either it stuck to my grill, or something new is catching leaking water.
Much as I expected, rain began falling as I drove north on I-185 toward Troup County. Problem #5: I suddenly realized I had no windshield wiper on the driver's side of the car. I guess it fell off somewhere in the last few days - or then again, a beggar could have been desperate for something to swap for dinner.
How many days had I driven without a windshield wiper? Some genius I am - because I honestly have no idea. It's wanted to come loose from time to time for months, and I couldn't figure out how to make it stay on properly. Well, short of getting out a tube of Krazy Glue....
The passenger's side windshield wiper still was on, so I used it to keep moving up I-185 - but as I did, the stub where the other wiper should be slowly cut a groove into my windshield. Sadly, it wasn't cold enough for the rain to turn to ice and work on that groove like a Zamboni.
The showers thankfully were spotty, so I made it to LaGrange without much windshield damage. Driving around town, I discovered Jimmy Swaggart has his own FM radio station there -- and as long as I listened, I was amazed that he never broke down and cried once.
After attending to personal business, I went searching for an open auto parts store to replace my missing wiper. That's when I discovered LaGrange is NOT like Columbus - because several big-name parts stores there are closed on Sundays. It only acts like a bigger city, with all that Internet access....
A woman at a Summit station near LaGrange Mall gave me detailed directions to an open AutoZone store - and to her credit, she was exactly right in what she said. But she kept trying to give me back the money I paid her, for a large soda.
(By the way, if you haven't been to LaGrange in awhile - it's NOT called "West Georgia Commons" Mall anymore. Apparently the stores are too common at ALL malls anymore.)
I found the right windshield wiper for my car at AutoZone - but then came Problem #6: the instruction sheet for installing the wiper had a series of drawings, which I couldn't figure out. Why can't these companies simply print directions in five or six different languages? We actually might learn new words from this....
Humbled, frustrated, and knowing I'd fouled things up before, I walked back inside AutoZone and persuaded an attendant to come outside and put the wiper on my car. See, I told you I'm NOT a genius. Geniuses drive pickup trucks full of "junk," so they have replacements ready at all times.
But enough about my troubles. Let's check what else happened Sunday:
+ The Ledger-Enquirer began a special report on "The Night Kenny Walker Was Shot." Kenny?!?! Have we come to know him THAT well since last December?
+ Ritmo Latino Radio stunned me by playing a "Spanish rap" tune in which a man said the "N-word" several times. No, I don't mean Nicaragua - or even what one group keeps calling "Looney-Toony Noriega...."
+ On the "Higher Power Outreach Church" radio broadcast, Pastor Johnny Robinson revealed his House of Restoration shelter in Phenix City gained at least $140,000 by splitting from the Columbus Homeless Task Force. Keep that in mind if he comes to your group this fall seeking urgent donations.
+ A check on Second Avenue and Warm Springs Road found Coastal gas stations are changing their names to Marathon. In a way, I can understand this - because I've never really considered the Riverwalk the west coast of Georgia.
COMING THIS WEEK: David Glisson talks at last.... the Marshal in a mess.... and local backers of President Bush....
To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.
If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.
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29 AUG 04: SOUTH SEALE - THE DEAL
The "Celebrate Phenix City" 50 years summer celebration concluded Saturday night, with a fireworks show over the Chattahoochee. If you missed that well-planned show, head to South Seale Road tonight and you might see an improvised
one.
Some residents along South Seale Road say Sunday and Thursday nights are dangerous times. They claim long lines of cars go by, and some people fire guns into the air. Don't these folks know East Alabama Motor Speedway is WEST of Phenix City?
(If people in south Phenix City actually are doing this for fun, Shooters ought to consider opening a second location....)
One South Seale Road resident showed off two big handguns he's bought, to protect himself from late-night troublemakers. Hopefully Mayor-Elect Jeff Hardin did all his "door-to-door campaigning" during broad daylight.
Some South Seale Road residents say they took a signed petition to the Phenix City Council two years ago, seeking better policing of the neighborhood - but they claim nothing was done. Perhaps Council members were too busy trying to find a
dealership to sell new cars on 14th Street, instead of used ones.
South Seale Road has received a lot of attention in the last couple of days, after a man was shot and killed in the parking lot of the Davis Lounge. The owner admits he's concerned about what happens inside his business, more than what happens outside. So he takes this "lounge" stuff seriously....
Apparently after watching Friday evening's news, Phenix City Public Safety Director Preston Robinson announced he was shutting down the Davis Lounge that very night. He had to move quickly, of course - while the rest of town was distracted by the Shaw-Central football game.
None of the TV newscasts went down South Seale Road Saturday night, so I assume the shutdown of the Davis Lounge went peaceably. But how about that Phenix City Police Department -- making Fort Benning and Columbus police look like wimps, for merely banning soldiers from businesses?
So how can Phenix City police shut down businesses like Davis Lounge on the spot, while Columbus can't? Certainly police couldn't have been scared away from the Boom Boom Room by that big Bobby Peters sign outside it....
It happens that the Davis Lounge crackdown occurred on the weekend of a big semi-annual gun show at the Columbus Trade Center. I'm pleased to report when I jogged underneath the Trade Center Saturday night, there were NO tables set up on the Riverwalk -- and no one was showing off what they'd just bought.
To come full circle: that Riverwalk run gave me a good view of the big "Celebrate 50 Years" event - and I never have seen the Phenix City Amphitheater more filled with people than it was Saturday night. Of course, since it was a country music concert, a good number of them likely were "filled" with alcohol as well....
Grand Ole Opry star John Conlee was the headline act at the Phenix City Amphitheater - but he should have tailored his act to his audience. Conlee sang "I'm on the back side of 30" as I jogged by - but I might have changed it to, "You're on the back side of 50."
Some co-workers challenged me Friday to name a John Conlee song - and on the spur of the moment, I couldn't. You're showing your age if you can remember when Conlee was a big country star. And you're REALLY showing your age if you can't remember why.
I also passed a couple of Columbus Police cars at the south end of Bay Avenue, near the Dillingham Street bridge. Presumably they were looking for concert fans on the "FRONT side of 30" - as in miles per hour....
For the record, the Saturday night run was my personal best in a year -- at a fraction above two miles non-stop. I've mentioned here my improving distances [22 Aug], but I think there was a subconscious explanation for this effort. I knew
fireworks were coming - and after Golden Park three weeks ago [8 Aug], I didn't want to be anywhere close.
Now a quick look at other interesting items for a late-summer weekend:
+ The Trade Center hosted not only a gun show, but a "Reptile Show." Wow - what IS new in reptiles for Fall 2004? Are the alligator handbags going to be tie-dyed this season? Are rectangular shells in for tortoises, instead of round ones?
+ Country's Barbecue staged its annual charity "Midnight Run" in Midtown. I think they chose the wrong course for this race. It should circle the new library and the old Sears Building - and be called the "Columbus Square Memorial."
+ The Capital City Bombers blew out the Catfish 13-5 -- and things got so out of hand that infielder Jimmy Rohan was called on to pitch, for at least the second time this season. Rohan actually struck out a batter -- and I think in cases like that, it should count for two outs.
+ A couple of guys at church were talking about how badly the U.S. men's basketball team played at the Olympics - so I asked them if they did what I did [25 Aug], and tried NOT to watch the games all week. "No," they said abruptly. And here
I thought my congregation was full of right-wing conservatives....
BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.69 a gallon at Snack Attack on Buena Vista Road.... 20-ounce sodas for 50 cents at Walgreens.... but a "Gator Stick" for $2.99 at Skipper's on Buena Vista? Bill Purvis can have that one....
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